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I might be repeating myself and it may be boring. But I would really like to kill myself and be done with all this. There's too much stress from everything. This looks like the perfect, permanent solution to this permanent problem. I can't imagine how I could ever be at peace unless I do it. How I would like to be done with all this nonsense.

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You shouldn't be alone with these thoughts. What's your situation, do you have someone close to you? You should at least call someone! This won't last. Thinking that this will last is only a part of being in this dark place. Please please get in contact with someone close by!!!

Edited by Zala

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Hey this sounds really troubling man and i am sorry you are going through this. This way of thinking is your mind and body screwing you. The only thing you can do right now is not killing yourself but reaching out for help. Family, friends or even better professional help like a suizide hotline. People will help you and you deserve to be helped.

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I feel the same right know.

Tomorrow there is a chemistry Lab(I don't like it) and I am still not off gaming.

I don't know how to have the desire to stop playing video games on a practical way.

Theoretically it would be to limit phone usage but on a practical level I hesitate to just go without it for 10MIN...

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On 10/16/2018 at 9:45 PM, SuperSaiyanGod said:

This looks like the perfect, permanent solution to this permanent problem.

Thats because in the state you are now and because you cant think rationally in such state of mind. The thing is that this state of mind is a temporarly thing. I had same experience in my life and we can talk about that stuff. I am not offering you a proposal to be your personal therapist or something , but based on my experience some conversations(in reasonable manners) really help to make the flow of feels and thoughts in your head from ooze which they are in such state of mind into something more consistent.

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 This week there took place an event my friends and I have been preparing since February. It was a meeting of all the officials of a large European student organisation I'm in. 70 people from around the continent, 8 days. Even though a few nights were hard, this was probably one of the top 3 weeks of my life. And for the first time in my life I felt like I have a group of friends. Then there was an after party with just the ten of us. We really got close to each other, or at least that's what I hope it is. And I hope it lasts.

But now I have to return to my crappy life, and I feel even worse about it because of the contrast. I just have to survive the next month, I have three large projects which I am panicking about, but they will be over by the second week of December. I don't really care about doing them well, I just wanna survive. 

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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I don't think I got any rest. Nothing's changed, I still feel overwhelmed by everything. I don't wanna live my life, I don't wanna do all that stressful stuff. I wanna forget about everything. I can't even do the simple things because I'm paralyzed whenever I think about them. 

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Have you felt like this before? How long have you been feeling like this? Maybe you can go back a bit and see, what changed ...
Sending you hugs.

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Starting this moment, the most hardcore week of this year starts for me. Three major projects to do, one by Tuesday and two by Friday. But I'm gonna do it. So, starting now, I don't have time for even a single distraction. No youtube, no movies. No two hours of porn before going to sleep, no sleeping in in the morning. This is something I can do. I'll tell you how it went in a week.

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I did it. I've assembled a six person team and we prepared an outline of a large event and sent it to a contest from which we're might get the funds to see it through. It was pretty hard, but I had a lot of help from more experienced people. I also had a great team.

I've finished one of the smaller projects, the other one is by this Friday, not the previous one. So I'm gonna finish it by the end of the week and then have a quieter period.

I'm having a bit of trouble controlling my eating. I eat to much pizza and waste a lot of money on it. Otherwise, I feel stressed out but pretty okay.

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@SuperSaiyanGod The way you describe life, it sounds like everything is stressing you out. Is it possible for you to reach out to someone in your location to help you with evaluating options to make your life less tense? You deserve peace and calm, you deserve happiness and joy. The negative emotions we all experience are useful in that they are warnings that tell us to take some action. In this sense, your stress is an indicator that you need to make changes in your life for more balance. You aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed, but be sure, once we get used to life's real circumstances and stop avoiding it all via gaming and other mind numbing distracting activities, we become more and more capable in dealing with it all and dealing with it well. 

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I haven't touched junk food, snacks, ice cream, candy etc. in over six months. December 24 was actually ~180 days. December 24 was also supposed to be exactly 90 days without gaming. I had a reddit post planned to celebrate that. I made it to around 80 though. At some point I decided that since I waste a lot of time anyway, I might as well waste it on games, because what's the difference. I can be reasonably productive even if I spend 5 hours a day on porn and the internet, so if I replace some of that with gaming it wouldn't be a problem. The whole reason I had cut out gaming in the first place was so that it wouldn't distract me from college stuff.

Well, there is only one difference between gaming and surfing, and it's that gaming makes me want to do it more. The more I game, the more I want to game the next day. And very soon my days became almost exclusively about gaming. At one point a few weeks ago I started working really hard on reducing procrastination. I was making detailed plans and intentions about the things I'm gonna do, and I felt really good because I was taking care of all the stressful stuff very quickly. I intended to continue during my Christmas break, and I even kept it up for three days. I woke up quite late, but I got to work immediately. I planned to do several important things during the week. I worked on them incrementally, for 2-4 hours a day, and then went to visit a friend or played video games. But I soon started playing video games until 2am. Then 4am. When I was with my friend, I often wanted to go home and play video games. Sunday the 23rd was the last productive day, then between Monday and today I've been doing almost nothing but gaming.And I've been going to sleep after 4am and waking up after noon. And I was getting increasingly stressed out about all the important things I still have to do.

So now, at 4am I've decided to get rid of my games again. This time it should be much easier even than the last time, because I've learned a lesson about why I really don't want to game. Still, I made it to 80 days. It's never been that long, except maybe in 2012 when I had a girlfriend. And it was surprisingly easy because I spent the entire summer preparing. And I took it one thing at a time - instead of attempting to turn my life over, I just added another element to a change that's been going on since June.

I still have quite a lot of time to get everything done. I'll just have to start working on it.

My diet is reasonably okay compared to how I ate earlier, though I haven't been losing weight for about two months because I ate too much pizza. As in every 2-3 days. Maybe I'll work on that too.

It appears I am not going to any new year's eve party. Oh well. Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I've ever been to one (or hosted one) that I have genuinely enjoyed. It's more like I always expect the next one is going to be perfect.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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Your post remind me on a conversation with a friend. He is imo addicted to lol and he used to say also "where is the difference?" When I said i do xy(non productive things), or I played games with my family etc.. He always wanted to say lol isnt worse than other unprodutive things. So basically like you, why not playing, when you already waste much time. Why wasting time with semi funny things? Instead waste it with things like playing. But yea, your results on that are definetely true. Gaming is much worse than just to be not productive. Of course you should aim to bE productive.ä

would write more, but its late

give ur best

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I want to quit gaming. I know it doesn't serve me. But I don't know how to do it, I don't know what I did last time when I made it to 80 days. I guess I was just motivated. Or I started at the right moment. I remember feeling ready for it. It was supposed to serve a specific goal of being an engaged student. I also started at a time when I had very little stress from external sources (in contrast to the often-present stress from the inner source of suicidal thoughts). So right now I am basically over with my semester. I only have two small things and one tiny, easy exam and then I'll have exactly three weeks of winter break. Which means it's going to get a lot less stressful. This should make not gaming much easier.

So I'll start now and I'll have a headstart.

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I've just remembered something. The rule was that anything goes as long as I do / don't do x. It worked perfectly for my diet (haven't broken any rule even once in seven months), exerecise (hadn't skipped a day until me knee started acting up), and then video games. Maybe I'll just apply that again.

Although I really want to game right now. I can't think of anything that could take my mind off of it. Especially since gaming is an active activity, and I don't really have any other active things to do that I would be able to do for such a long time.

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I Can recommend going to a book store and get "atomic Habit" by James Clear and start with making the Cues visible through a  habit scoreboard.

I'm still getting all of my habits together.

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On 1/29/2019 at 12:13 PM, SuperSaiyanGod said:

Although I really want to game right now. I can't think of anything that could take my mind off of it.

Hey, SuperSaiyanGod, I understand the cravings that you had to go through. I have a piece of advice for you:

It's okay to have cravings from gaming, but it's never okay to give in to them. If you do, remember that you are not a failure, and you can rise again after you fall.

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