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SuperSaiyanGod

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I remember reading someones signature in the forum which said: "Stop looking at the past, you are not going that way".

Everyone in the world in one point or another has committed a mistake, but if you keep looking at the mistakes of the past, you won´t be able to the see the opportunities of the present.

I truly recommend doing a NoFap detox and having a workout routine. You can do it.

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Today my plan concerning sleeping came to fruition. I've been trying for a couple of days. So two days ago I slept through the whole day as is my custom, and woke up at 8pm. My plan was not to sleep for the entire 25 hours. I was very tired at an english class in the evening, but when I came home, I fell asleep immediately. I woke up sometime lated, but it was pretty easy to fall back asleep, and then once more. Then I just woke up at 6am. Now if I only do it a couple more times, my habits will be back to normal. Now, I could have fallen asleep once again, but I don't know whether I wouldn't wake up at noon or at 2pm. closer to my normal habit. So I've decided to get up. And now I have a morning for the first time in weeks.

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One week without gaming, but not without junk food or porn. Junk food is a problem, poorn doesn't take that much time so I can live with it, but the worst thing is that none of this makes any difference as long as I fill the entire time I used to spend on gaming with internet. In fact this week has been a lot worse than those 9 days towards the end of September when I had perfect diet and went to sleep at 10pm. every day. I felt great, I didn't have a problem getting up quite early, and I was more productive than I am now even though I spent most of the time gaming.

Today I got up at 8am, because I have to. But I have just no motivation to go to sleep early. All I want to do in the evening is to delay the next day and delay going to sleep. Basically to escape. Yesterday evening I've almost started gaming again, but I haven't due to technical problems.

So today I'm gonna start with a hot shower (it's cold as fuck), laundry, and a good breakfast. And once I leave the apartment I won't be back until 10pm, so the day is bound to be spent productively. And then I hope I'll just go to sleep.

There, making plans in the morning actually makes sense, unlike doing it in the evening as is my habit.

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10 days without gaming, 3 days without porn etc.

A few days ago I've set up a Habitica account. I have three dailies (no games, no porn (I'm getting so much exp from this one), go to sleep at a reasonable hour), one positive habit (study for 25 minuts, I took that from some anti-procrastination method I found in a study skills video), and I've also accumulated several to-dos - basically everything I have to do once goes in there. Just now I've added another habit, to make plans in the morning. I've just read in my previous post that it works a lot better than making them in the evening.

I've already studied 8x25 minutes, which is more than I usually do in an entire month.

It's a bit depressing that 25 minutes of studying only translate to reading 3-5 pages in a book, even if I'm very focused.

Now I think I'll do some exercise. Let's see how it goeth. That is all.

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15 days without gaming, 1 day without porn etc. (I think)

After work on Saturday I had a lot of urges related to porn. That's because My work involves a lot of waiting where you're not really allowed to distract yourself, so my thoughts just flew away. I came back home and took a nap, because I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on anything if I was sleepy. After the nap I did the m, which wasn't bad on its own, but I think then, along with the hunger, it activated a cue for junk food. I made a stupid mistake of going to a store while being hungry, and ended up getting a lot of junk food. That in turn activated the circuits for porn (from my old habits, routine), and that in turn for more junk food and porn, and so on. So I spent the rest of Saturday relapsing on every front except gaming. I went to sleep late, without a good reason, but I was lucky I just naturally got tired quite early. Then on Sunday I started off with more of the same, but then I had to get back to work and I sobered up.

Yesterday was really good, I studied a little bit, I went to classes, then I played a board games with my flatmates.

Yesterday I added another habit to my Habitica: get up immediately after the alarm goes off. Falling asleep again, setting up another alarm, or just lying around are the stupidest ideas in the world. It makes the entire rest of the day harder, because all it does is add to your fatigue, make it harder to get up, harder to fall asleep at a reasonable hour, and makes you feel disappointed in yourself ("I could have done so much by now if I had gotten up immediately instead of putting it off"). But getting up immediately makes you proud of yourself, and then I always use a reward like loud music, good food and dog time to reinforce it. The most perfect scenario would be jogging, but that's in the future.

Now I gotta make plans. I have a lot of studying to do. I like having a lot to do. Plowing into work seems the best way to deal with these challenges.

A few days ago I met a guy who is an artist/philosopher, and he doesn't even use the word "challenges". He prefers to call it "riddles". Addictions are riddles.

 

Edit: Oh, the "I think" in the header means I'm pretty sure I was doing m some time during the night, but I also feel as if most or all of it was a dream. So I'm going to go easy on myself and count that as being clean. The two dailies I have in Habitica are "be clean from everything" and then "be clean at least from porn", because these two are different, but sometimes the second one is still possible if I fail at the first one. I feel like there should be another word for "fail".

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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17 days without gaming, 0 days without porn etc.

Late evening, I should be going to sleep, but I have a thought.

So I'm using this website/app called Habitica to work on my life. And I find it very exciting and fun, and sometimes it gives me the same emotions as gaming. One of my habits is studying in 25 minute increments. Doing two or three sessions in a row is like going grinding in an rpg game, and when I finish, I'm literally excited and think "oh fuck, there's gonna be so much exp and gold!". This is a genuine reaction, reminds me of that time when I used to be comfortable with gaming, years ago. Another thing is doing harder tasks, you can set them up in stages for a bigger reward - it's like going for a raid and then getting so much loot and exp at the end.

I feel great right now. Also I'm gonna be Indiana Jones at a costume party next week - a few hours ago I was getting depressed because I didn't feel like going and I didn't know what to go as. I don't like clubs, but if I have a really cool costume it should be a lot better.

I keep relapsing with porn every other day. Sometimes it's up to 3 hours a session. But I'm still WAY more productive than I used to be. Also once I relapse in a given day, I don't have any incentive to stop relapsing, because I count days, and not hours or sessions, and my daily at Habitica is already failed. I should set up a new system, where I get a reward every three hours I go clean, but lose health for every 10 minutes of porn I watch. That should reduce the length and maybe the number of relapses. I'm gonna set it up right now.

That is all.

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18 days without gaming, almost 1 full day without porn etc.

An unprecedented occurance: this week I studied for 8 hours and 20 minutes, all in 25-minute sessions. This is raw studying without including breaks. This is a big deal because it's WAY more time than I usually spend on an average exam at the end of the term. If I keep this up (actually I'm planning to improve it because I know I can do much better with my time), I'm gonna be a freaking terminator at the end of the year. Right now my goal is to slowly reach around 3 hours of studying a day. Today I did 4 sessions and then I was so excited for my loot and exp! Plus, I celebrate every three hours in which I don't watch porn, which is probably much healthier than celebrating days and thinking of streaks. Sometimes I think about relapsing but then I remmeber every 10 minutes counts as a separate relapse. And the idea of doing it for 10 minutes isn't appealing at all, my habit is hours at a time - and if I did that, I would loose all my health immediately.

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19 days without gaming, 1 day without porn.

It's morning, I just got up. I'm working on a habit to get out of bed immediately after I wake up. It's been going very well since I started. However today, it being Saturday, I felt like I deserve a break. I felt like I couldn't just disregard the habit completely, but I thought that if I start the day with reading in bed and don't fall asleep again, it's going to count as if the habit has been upheld. So I read for 5 minutes, but I suspected I was going to fall asleep. So I got up, put on music, checked in at Habitica. And you know what? GETTING UP FEELS MUCH BETTER THAN SLEEPING LONGER. I don't even need any rewards for it! Plus, I've slept a good 8 hours, only woke up once during the night, so I'm well-rested.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to today is visiting my friend to work on a research project, because 1) it's hard for me to come up with a valid subject, seing how much in this area of study is already known (and I'm the brainy type), and 2) I really like my friend, but working with her isn't as pleasant as I thought it would be. I'm also getting a bit overwhelmed with all the studying I have to get done, what with all my slow reading and stuff. Before the next Thursday I have to:

  • have the subject of the research project prepared quite well (Tuesday)
  • finish reading two chapters from textbooks (Monday)
  • read at least 1 chapter from a book I haven't even looked for yet (Monday)
  • go to my friend (today)
  • meet up with my mother, as she's visiting the city (Sunday)
  • find a viable Indiana Jones costume; this is gonna take hours I could use on studying, and I hate shopping

I've just decided the last one is waiting until at least Tuesday. I have no time to waste before that, so I'm not even thinking about this. The rest of it is doable, the costume is actually the worst, most stressful part. So from now on I'm not even thinking about it until I'm done with everything else.

And now it's time for a shower AND BREAKFAST, LET'S DO IT!!!

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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19 days without gaming, 1 day without porn.

It's morning, I just got up. I'm working on a habit to get out of bed immediately after I wake up. It's been going very well since I started. However today, it being Saturday, I felt like I deserve a break. I felt like I couldn't just disregard the habit completely, but I thought that if I start the day with reading in bed and don't fall asleep again, it's going to count as if the habit has been upheld. So I read for 5 minutes, but I suspected I was going to fall asleep. So I got up, put on music, checked in at Habitica. And you know what? GETTING UP FEELS MUCH BETTER THAN SLEEPING LONGER. I don't even need any rewards for it! Plus, I've slept a good 8 hours, only woke up once during the night, so I'm well-rested.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to today is visiting my friend to work on a research project, because 1) it's hard for me to come up with a valid subject, seing how much in this area of study is already known (and I'm the brainy type), and 2) I really like my friend, but working with her isn't as pleasant as I thought it would be. I'm also getting a bit overwhelmed with all the studying I have to get done, what with all my slow reading and stuff. Before the next Thursday I have to:

  • have the subject of the research project prepared quite well (Tuesday)
  • finish reading two chapters from textbooks (Monday)
  • read at least 1 chapter from a book I haven't even looked for yet (Monday)
  • go to my friend (today)
  • meet up with my mother, as she's visiting the city (Sunday)
  • find a viable Indiana Jones costume; this is gonna take hours I could use on studying, and I hate shopping

I've just decided the last one is waiting until at least Tuesday. I have no time to waste before that, so I'm not even thinking about this. The rest of it is doable, the costume is actually the worst, most stressful part. So from now on I'm not even thinking about it until I'm done with everything else.

And now it's time for a shower AND BREAKFAST, LET'S DO IT!!!

:D love the gig. Gj with your sleep routine. This truly makes a difference.

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20 days without gaming, 2 days without porn (but not anything else).

I've elected to only care about porn, everything else is fair game. Every three hours without porn I get points in Habitica. But every 10 minutes of porn counts as a separate relapse. I need to get rid of porn as soon as I can, because it is the worst thing in my life. So I need to make it as easy as possible.

Yesterday I was playing board games with my roommates until well after midnight. I also had trouble falling asleep so I got way less sleep then usual. Then I went to a vegan food festival (I bought two things and both were bad or even disgusting) and when I came back home I decided to take a nap. But instead of roughly 1,5 hours I slept (and then did m) for more than four hours. This was a very stupid idea. I think I'll eat something, because I'm not going to sleep until midnight, as I still have some reading to do. By the way, the list from the previous post is getting decimated. But tonight I can sleep less because I'll be outside the apartment all day tomorrow.

 

Very late evening update: week summary

I've decided to start summarizing every week every Sunday evening, right before I got to bed. Habitica is going to reset every week, but I'll keep a record here. This way I'll be able to look at the progress. Week 1 summary:

  • Studied for 12,5 hours (1 hour 45 minutes a day on average)
  • Got out of bed immediately 7 times, missed 2 times after a nap
  • Played video games for 0 hours
  • Planned my day 6 times and missed 1 time
  • Exercised 0 times
  • Went to bed at the right hour 6 times (including today)
  • Watched porn many times, for at least 6 hours total (likely more, but I haven't been counting at that time)
Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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22 days without gaming, 4 days without porn

I don't have much to say today. I'm getting impatient, I would like the days to go faster, because I want the counters to grow. I should focus more on doing stuff.

A challenge: I don't have many reading assignments for the next week (I usually only get them due on Monday), so I'm gonna have to find something to read on my own. I think I'll just start reading further into my textbooks and then I'll be ahead and I'll be able to remember more from the lectures.

I've decided that I'm not gonna be Indiana Jones, because I hate shopping. I have much more interesting things to do. I'm not sure I'll even go to the party, but if I do, it'll probably be something much simpler or even have no costume at all. But I don't feel like going there without a costume, because it's gonna suck.

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You probably know, that there's no way to make those days pass faster :D As Cam says, one day at the time. You have to live in the moment :) I see you're struggling with porn, I wonder if you have ever tried to block those websites? If not, I recommend you to try out this tool called Cold Turkey. Once you block a website  for the amount of time you want, there is no way back :) It's really helpful.

Edited by Remigjus

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24 days without gaming, 0 hours without porn.

I made it to 5 days, but yesterday I relapsed for 50 minutes and then another 20 minutes a bit later. Today another 20 minutes, because I felt an urge to see the images I've seen yesterday. So the main task for today is to break away from the relapse cycle. Another stupid idea I've had a few days ago (probably Tuesday) was buying junk food. I ate so much of it these past two days that I haven't had almost any energy to study, or do anything for the matter. Yesterday I took a nap and woke up almost too late to make it to classes - and I didn't go at all. If I had gone, I wouldn't have relapsed. Anyway, today I'm well rested, because I slept until 9:30 instead of the usual 8:00, and now I'm ready to go.

One thing I changed today was improving the "planning my day" habit. Before that it was just about writing a rough plan of the day. Today I devised 5 questions worth answering in order to sort of focus my energy at the beginning of the day. They are:

  1. What do I want to accomplish today and how do I want to improve myself and my life?
  2. What should I avoid today?
  3. What obstacles await me?
  4. What is my motivation? Why am I doing this today?
  5. What day would I be happy with? A rough plan of the day.

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25 days without gaming, 0 hours without porn

I can't stop watching porn. It makes me want to lose all hope. I'm eating junk food and watching Game of Thrones. My going to bed time is in 1 minute. But I don't want to go to sleep, I want to keep doing what I'm doing, and I want to add video games to it. But if I do, it's going to be as horrible as it was during the summer. I'll cut the contact with the outside world, within a few days I'll be going to bed at 7am, and I won't be studying at all. But, to be honest, all I want to do is get back to gaming.

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Well, here goes.

0 hours without gaming, 0 days without porn

Like I said yesterday, I felt like I'm without hope. But even though I bought junk food, I went to bed without gaming. Now, today's morning was quite interesting, because I got up at the planned hour and opened up Habitica. I don't remember doing it, but yesterday's no-gaming daily is ticked off (I made it to 26 full days), so I must have done it. I didn't make any plans though, I didn't tick off the meditation habit, the pornfree night habit, the get up immediately habit or the make plans in the morning habit. Instead I got back to bed and started watching porn, quickly forsaking the intention of counting minutes. I estimate about 100 minutes today. Then I started watching game of thrones, youtube, and so on, and then I downloaded a game and started playing it, thinking that I'm a lost cause anyway (I think, I don't have a clear recollection), so I might as well enjoy my time. And I did enjoy for a while, but then I started getting bored, because I had already played that game several times, I started looking for another one, watching youtube and tv again, etc. etc. - the usual I'm sure everyone knows.

I stopped at 10:20pm., thinking that if I quit now, I can still go to bed at a reasonable hour and tick off at least one positive habit. And that's what I did. But the main reason why I did it is because a productive routine feels much better and I want to return to it because I like it, and I like doing something sensible with my time, even if it's a small chunk of my day in reality. I like the feeling of heading somewhere that doesn't suck as much as all my usual predictions about my future. I deleted all the games immediately, and I don't have an intention of getting back to them anytime soon. I think I'll even meditate before I go to sleep.

That's it. Some other thoughts are as follow: I can never buy just one bag of snacks, it always has to be at least six. I don't really care what I eat from an addiction kind of point of view, but I want to stop because a) I want to lose weight (for the sole purpose of looking better, and to a lesser extent in order to save my knee (with which I'm not doing anything anyway)), and b) it is just unpleasant to eat so much of it and be full all the time. It's much better to have a few diverse meals then eat snacks all the time and have this weird feeling in your mouth after one bag.

Okay, now that is really it. @Hitaru you've made my day. I didn't know anyone was interested (yes, sorry about that, guys who are sometimes liking and replying to my posts and then I never even acknowledge it and often even get angry about the mess you are making in my precious, precious thread, like quoting an ENTIRE POST and replying to it with a single line - your feedback is wanted, I'll just never tell you about that, because I'm a rude jerk, which is something that everyone in my real life knows and they are often willing to remind me of that. You know what I really don't like? That all of this is happening online, and NEVER offline. I don't have literally anybody I can talk to about these matters. I mean, I could, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with it at all). Anyway, I'll make it easy for you: imagine my thread is a 150-page story about Sisyphus carrying his rock up the hill over and over again, each time thinking "yay, I'm finally doing it!" and then dropping it on the ground out of his own free will, and then sitting there between 2 and 12 weeks thinking about how lonely he is and about how much his life sucks, and that he'll never be able to climb this fucking hill, and then picks the rock up again and starts carrying it again for anywhere between 1 minute and 11 days and then decides he's giving up again.

WHY DOESN'T THE FUCKING @THING WORK?!

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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0 days without gaming, 0 days without porn

Gamed again today.

Week 2 summary:

  • Studied for 5 hours 25 minutes (46 minutes a day on average)
  • Got out of bed immediately 6 times, missed 3 times (1 in the morning, 2 after naps)
  • Played video games for about 15 hours (Saturday and Sunday)
  • Planned my day 5 times and missed 2 times (out of my own free will, and not because I forgot)
  • Exercised 0 times
  • Went to bed at a reasonable hour 4 times
  • Watched porn for about 6 hours 30 minutes (but I haven't been counting most of the time)
  • Meditated for 30 minutes

I should feel good about this week, it was pretty good. But I don't feel good about the last two days, which were back to the old crappy routine. I want to get back to the good routine. This month has been really good, I just wish I could have kept myself from fucking it up right at the very end.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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It needs to turn blue while editing the post to work, sometimes you need to go down a line, write the @ with the name and paste it back in place, like 

@Hitaru this. It's a minor bug I think. 

Quoting the whole thing instead of using @ to drop a single line, the pain is real lol. Maybe it's time to introduce some "Posting Guidelines" like the real OGs and maybe I'm the guy supposed to do it.

About the loop thing that's completely normal man. My journal is longer than yours and if you read the beginning and end looks like worlds apart, but the parts in the middle is all about "I'm going to do this, erm not better that, ehh now I bail out, oh now I feel so bad, then I try another thing" and so on, so on.

We're used to steady progress in video games. In general the more likely to fail the lighter the game punishes you for failing. At the very least you don't acquire "debt" with the game. That doesn't happen in life. Each try feels like a stone you put in a bag full of stones, and while you become stronger the bag also becomes heavier.

But that's only because we have such a negative concept of failing, as if each failure took us a step closer to become a loser. Each failure is a step to become a winner, don't forget, ever. We're living the present and many times lose perspective. That's why we journal, not just as a bad feeling dumpster, the whole point is to check on the process of the journey. The journals must be revisited and re-read. If you really feel you haven't improved at all (which I tell you, is practically impossible), then you'll surely have the answer written down at some point.

When the same problem persists, you are overthinking it. If you are writing about it, check back the beginning and be double or triple serious about the first answer you proposed. That usually is the good one. When I arrived to the forum the first thing I said is: No Porn, No Games, No mindless browsing, No laying on the couch all day, Sport and Go outside, a job and independence. It's been almost two years now. The rest of the journal? Basically a lengthy repetition and tries of that mantra, I can bet you. 

We had the answer from the beginning, the problem was always how much did we really want to commit. 

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2 days without gaming, 2 days without porn

I've just read through the posts I had written in October, so I'm gonna summarize it all here, because it's quite an interesting period of time.

  • My classes started on October 3. I think I quit gaming on October 2 (Monday). On the first week I felt much more depressed than in September (in September there was a 9-day period of quality, I can't find any mention of no gaming, but I had my sleeping and diet under control, and I spent more time reading or studyingn something than in that first week of October). That's probably because I suddenly had to go out every day very much prefer simply being at home. I probably also felt bad about the atmosphere at my classes, which was much, much worse than at my english classes at a private school - to which I went readily every day. During that first week I wasn't productive at all if I understand correctly.
  • Then I set up a Habitica account and it started going pretty well. I wrote a few posts where I'm happy of excited about something. Week by week I added some more habits and was quite good at upholding them. Of course there have been worse and better days. That way, I went to 26 full days without gaming. Also now that I've counted, it has been a pretty good period of being pornfree, on average I was watching it every 3-4 days, which is unheard of. Actually it'd been 5-6 clean days, 2 relapse days, 1 clean day, 1 relapse, 1 clean, 1 relapse, then another 5 clean days, and then 5 relapses. This is interesting because what my life usually looks like is a few days, maybe even a week without porn, and then 2, 3, 4 weeks without even trying much; these weeks contain maybe a couple of clean days here and there. Right now I'm sort of holding my own against it.
  • Then I relapsed with gaming and immediately felt as bad as during the summer (which was probably the worst one of my life). There have only been two days with gaming (after the first one I made plans to stop, but on the next day I started again; doing that again is still at the edge of my thoughts all the time), and then I reorganized all my habits, set up more structure to my morning routine, and started trying again. So far it's been going well - it's been two full, perfectly clean days.

Today I feel tired. I slept a bit longer than usually. I only have meditation left in my morning routine. This night I had to get out of bed five or six times. At one point my thoughts were so erratic that I couldn't fall asleep for a good half hour, and I couldn't even keep one position for more than a minute. I have that every night. I should be having all those crazy thoughts in my dreams, but I wake up all the time, so these thoughts are surfacing to my consciousness. This is very tiring and very irritating.

I don't want to meditate, I'm gonna do a half-assed job. All I want to do is go back to bed.

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I have no connections to other people. I have nobody I could talk to about emotional problems. No friends, only people I sometimes talk to. No family, only people who brought me up. It makes me feel horrible. I also think it's impossible to be happy in a situation like that. I have no idea what to do with it. I think this is the deepest problem of my life, and the reason I watch porn and play video games is because I need to simulate these connections.

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Have you tried video blogging? I found I did not feel comfortable talking about my emotional concerns etc with other people as it was admitting weakness. That mindset is flawed, but a way I got around it was making video blogs. I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest every single time I do it, and it is up to you on what you do with it afterwards, whether that is to delete, upload, share with a few close people, or just to hold onto to watch at certain times when you feel like you need to be grounded or if you're having a bit of a crisis.

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@giblets, I have thought about it. But I would have to do it in some anonymous way if I was to talk about addictions, because I don't trust the internet to keep it a secret from the people I know. I've also thought about making some more ambitious vlog, but, as usual, it was just a thought.

0 days without gaming, 0 days without porn

I've been gaming for 2 or 3 days I think. Yesterday (actually at 2:30am. today) I deleted all the games, because I thought this was the perfect way to keep myself from gaming after I wake up. I deleted all my save games, from an rpg game I played for at least 20 hours. I just got up and now the dominant feeling I have is regret from doing it, because I want to keep playing that game. I have some stuff to do, I should be reading and preparing for my research project, but all I want to do is get back to gaming.

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The morning is the worst part to game - I know that feeling. I used to game in the afternoon or night and then get so frustrated that I didn't achieve anything, then go to bed hoping that I'll have a fresh start or a new lease on life the next day, with all those "I'm going to be productive thoughts". Then in the morning, "oh a quick game won't hurt", or "I'll just check the auction house", etc, but the problem is after that then there is just preoccupation for the rest of the day with games, so you're in the never ending cycle.

You're doing the right thing mate, and those feelings are natural, and will pass. Think of another task you can do as soon as you wake up that you find enjoyable, such as running, checking the news, etc.

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0 days without gaming, 0 days without porn

I forgot to do week summary yesterday evevning, because I've been gaming. If I didn't have to go to classes, I'd be gaming right now.

Week 3 summary: (the way I remember it)

  • Studied for 5 hours 25 minutes (46 minutes a day on average)
  • Got out of bed immediately 5 times, missed 2 times in the morning.
  • Played video games for at least 30 hours (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday)
  • Planned my day 4 times, missed 3 times
  • Exercised 0 times
  • Went to bed at a reasonable hour 3 times
  • Watched porn for over 6 hours (haven't been counting most of the time)
  • Meditated for 45 minutes.

There. I fucking give up, fuck all this. What does it matter whether I game or not?

Well, I'm going to be homeless. So I should at least probably reduce the time.

Oh, fuck me. I hate my life. I know I'll nevevr change.

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0 days without gaming, 1 day without porn (it's after 3am, which means the day has turned)

I want to stop feeling things. I want to forget about everything.

I am now going to delete this fucking game again, along with all the mods which I spent 7 hours setting up. I'm going to do this because it's supposed to be the right choice, because it's supposed to make my life better, because it's supposed to make it easier tomorrow, because it's supposed to be the first step. But in the morning I'm going to regret doing it. And the next time I have a chance, I'm going to download that game again and waste another 20 hours on it.

Why is it so easy to spend the entire day on gaming, but so hard to spend it on something meaningful? Well, for one, spending the time with people I like would be meaningful, but I'm unable to find any people which which I could do that.

That's the only thing I want. But I won't ever be able to have that. There's probably something so intrinsicly wrong with me that I'll never be able to change that. Until I stop existing. I wonder what it would be like to feel that last flame of life going off, and then you're gone. What it would be like to just stop. There's no meaning to life. Life is the source of all suffering, but without life, there wouldn't be any. After it ends, that must be peace, and isn't that the final goal?

WHY THE FUCK DO i HAVE TO FEEL SO TERRIBLE RIGHT NOW? I KNOW IT'S BECAUSE I'VE SPENT THE ENTIRE EVENING AND HALF THE NIGHT IN FRONT OF A SCREEN, BUT I CHOSE IT MYSELF. WHY MUST I ALWAYS MAKE THESE HORRIBLE CHOICES, WHY DO I HAVE TO BE OUT OF CONTROL? WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO CONSIST OF PERIODS LIKE THE LAST MONTH WHERE IT WAS ALL PRETTY GOOD AND THEN A PERIOD OF COMPLETE SHIT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER? I HATE IT.

 

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