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Gaming the System 006 - James' First 30 Days As a Digital Nomad in Thailand!

SuperSaiyanGod

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This is what I wrote between 9 and noon.

Working. I am now sitting in an exam room as an invigilator. I only have one candidate in the room. The stressful part was talking to the wole group od 9 people. But now I only have one person until the end of the work day, so it's not stressful at all, considering how I have every instruction written down and I basically just read them out loug. I was very happy to get this opportunity, as this is only the second day of work I have ever done (except for private lessons). I'm mostly doing this for the experience and only a little bit for the money. My self-esteem has been suffering for the last cocuple of years, because I'm still relianat on my parents' support at 23. I want to get accustomed to working and get comfortable with the idea, so that I can later go to a more serious, more responsible job.

Sleeping habits. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning and got up immediately. It feels so awesome, I think that's the ninth day in a row where I didn't have any trouble getting up at the planned hour (7am, today was an exception). I didn't even have a problem on Monday, avter the very hard relapse on Sunday. Perhaps this is because I go to sleep at the right hours - I usually plan to go to bed around 10pm, and rarely go after 11pm; I only do if I have something important to do. However, about half the time (a bit less maybe) I can't fall asleep immediately, and sometimes fall asleep between 2am and 3am. This probably has something to do with taking a nap during the day. I should either hide my sheets and pillows for the day, never enter the bed during the day, or not be home between noon and five.

Relapse analysis. I relapsed very hard on Sunday but I didn't go on a binge. Why is that? I can think of several reasons:

  • I have too much to do to relapse again. Even on Sunday evening I didn't have time to do it again, because I had to prepare for Monday. Yesterday I didn't even have time to ride the bike, and I really wanted to.
  • I now have tools that help me deal with all of this. I know the triggers and I know I have to avoid them, so I just do. I have activities that I can do to regulate my mood. Didn't work for the relase though.
  • I have commitment and I really want to abstain. It was simply that my choices weren't thought-out enough. Next time, if I make the right choices (like don't take a nap, leave the apartment, take a cold shower r go biking instead of panicking), it's going to be okay. Honestly, I have no idea why I forgot about taking a cold shower.
  • Maybe I think more positively. I don't think in the depressing terms of the 12-step groups, like that I'm an incurable addict forever*, that I can never do it without the help of a "higher power", that I'm powerless to resist, that I'll always be dependent on a group of people who keep thinking these things. I won't tell them any of this, because that might make it harder for them.
  • Maybe I remember that life feels just so damn good when I abstain. Maybe I didn't forget it lake that last time.

On procrastination. I have so many tiny little things to do. I could do them all in fifteen minutes, but I haven't gotten to it yet. I should do them today. But I really wanna go biking in the evening.

Today I should stay outside of my apartment, because I'm getting sleepy. I have to obtain some notes for developmental. I should also study them. I'm going to a workshop as a participant towards the evening; it should keep me occupied, not asleep, and totally regulated. The bigger things are appealing. The smaller ones not so much.

On the reason. I should thing of the reason to believe in, but I'm feeling very sleepy. I don't know how I'm going to survive the day. Here's the plan: I'm gonna go home after the exam to change and eat something. I'm not gonna lie down. Then I'll go to college and do the little things. And then I'll go to the workshop, eat something, and bike if I have the time (I won't neither for biking nor for eating).

What is the reason to believe in? It's supposed tob e a set of reasons for which I'm trying to change my life. A set of reasons for which I'm abstaining from porn. A ser of reasons that are deeply important to me, that I adamantly believe in, and that are the fundamental basis for my change. They are supposed to resonate with me so much, that I won't ever be able to give up again.

 

*Though I understand that I'll never be able to watch porn or play games in moderation; but that's totally not a problem for me.

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I didn't have time to write yesterday, so this post is for Wednesday.

Report. I'm clean. 10 days of no games (or related stuff), no junk food. Also I decided to count the number of days since the beginning of the attempt, instead of since the last relapse. Thus, because I relapsed with porn once, but didn't go on a binge, I'm counting it as if I have 9 days. If I can ever stabilize it at one relapse a week (obviously I'm not planning to relapse), it will be an improvement by a factor of 2000% - because instead of watching porn 2-4 times a day, sometimes up to 6, about 20 times a week, I'd watch it once a week. However, if I don't go on any more binges where there's several sessions in a row, I should be able to learn how to better deal with those tough situations. And eventually I'll know how to prevent a relapse every time.

Various projects. On Tuesday I got an information that I'm gonna be hosting 7 more hours of workshops. It's going to be on June 19th, which is the day of my first exam. But I don't have a problem with that, I'll be ready for the exam a few days in advance.

I didn't get elected yesterday. In fact, I got the least amount of votes. On the meeting, I got two certificates that list everything I did for the organization this year - I forgot how much of it there was. It was really nice and the meeting, which was the last one this year, was very emotional for everybody.

I got very sad that I didn't get elected and I tried to rationalize it somehow. I even got comforted by some people. But then on the way homem I realized I didn't actually have any reason to be sad or angry. I gave a good speech, I don't regret anything, I went out of my comfort zone a little bit (because giving the little speech was scary). I also got a nice notebook as a gift, which is gonna be useful to write all the things I always have to do, now that I'm trying to keep busy and actually work on my life.

I passed a test yesterday (C+). I have another one tomorrow. And then I start studying for the exams.

I'm now gonna go do some errands around the city, after which I get to studying.

Edit: I should be able to go biking today, finally!

 

Edit: Early afternoon. I just remembered some music that I used to like really much, and then I remembered it was from a soundtrack from a game I only played a little bit. I listened to it just now and it reminded me of the entire game series. That was a stupid decision.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Report. I have been browsing the internet so much today. I technically started studying for a test that I have tomorrow, but I only read 4 pages out of 17. I feel low energy, distracted, etc. For the last few days I didn't have time to ride the bike, which is what I use to generate energy. Though if I studied like I should have been, I would have time this evening. I'll continue studying tomorrow. I only need to get a B.

Another small problem is that I have medicine that I have to take twice a day and it has to be right after a full meal. So I have to plan my days around classes, commitments, and meals, and I still want to go to bed a bit after 10pm. So the problem is that I can't just eat the last meal before going to evening classes, because that would be too early for the medicine. So I have to eat at around 9pm and then I don't have time for biking before I go to sleep. However, this is mostly just some excuse. If I ate faster and didn't waste time on the internet, there wouldn't be a problem.

I will now go to sleep, because I feel tired. I have to get enough sleep tonight, because on Saturday I get up at 5:30.

I just feel like in the last two days I didn't have any excitement or any success, it was just riding the tide. And then the tide goes down or whatever, I have to use conscious decisions to stay up. Otherwises it will be a binge sooner or later.

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Report. I had some urges for porn today, but I was at college. I was thinking a little bit about giving up. I was thinking that I'm tired and that it'll probably be harder and harder. I don't really remember. Something along the line: this is going to be such a long time with this unpleasant void in my mind. But then I met some people and got busy. I had a very hard time studying today and yesterday, but I passed the test and got an A, it was a very easy test. Then I went for a vegan burger with a friend.

Today my ex-girlfriend wrote to me to chat a little. I guess we're friends. She told me she has a boyfriend and I feel really hurt. It's been a little over 4 years now and I still can't get over it. I guess time itself won't do it.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Report (morning). I relapsed with porn. I feel crappy. Yesterday i had some plans on what to do after work, but I didn't do any of it. Instead my new plan, which I formed even before I finished working, was to go home and watch porn for the rest of the day. And that's what I did. After some fantasizing I just wanted to relapse. I think these were all the same excuses as the last time. After that I didn't break discipline - I went to bed at the right hour and I got up at 7am. Then I trimmed my beard and shaved, and took a cold shower. Now I feel like doing nothing. I'm gonna make breakfast and then I'll see what happens.

The one thing that I hate most about the addiction. This is what I wrote yesterday: It's interesting what I feel right now. I want to ask a girl to go to a wedding with me. No big deal if she doesn't want to. So normally I feel it's going to be a bit scary, but I'm gonna do it anyway. But fantasizing makes me want to withdraw from reality and not ask her out at all. And I think this is the worst effect that my addiction has on my life. However, it is not only the relapse that makes me feel like a loser. It's mostly the fantasizing, the need to go back to that safe place away from reality. All those thoughts that I have when I fantasize make me feel like a loser.

 

Edit: 10:50am. What the fuck is happening?! Why did I just relapse again?! I have to get out of here before I relapse again.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Report - 2pm. I just relapsed with porn again. This is the third day in a row. I was just sitting in my apartment after all the morning routines and the urges hit me. I did some stuff from the list but then I gave up. I just decided to do it.

I wonder what it was that allowed me to break out of the binging cycle those two weeks ago. I guess I just have to finish my morning routine and get out of the apartment. Then only come back for lunch and then leave again.

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I noticed I relapse with porn if I go into my bedroom to lay down for a nap. That leads to fapping which leads to porn. I have to stay out of the bedroom. It's a tough battle.

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Report - morning. Yesterday in total I relapsed two or three times with porn, I dono't really remember. Then I think there was one time when I started and stopped, because I thought "why the fuck am I doing this, it doesn't make sense". I also played a video game for like half an hour, late in the evening. Before that I actually started downloading the game, but I got rid of it before I started playing. Then I got it again, started a bit after 10:30pm. I played for a short while and I hated it. I needed to get rid of it. My initial thoughts were "okay, I'm now gonna play this for several hours, because I don't care one bit about my sleeping habits, and then the first thing in the morning I'm gonna sit in front of the computer and continue playing". But as soon as I launched the game, I remembered how much this all sucks. I actually forgot how crappy my life is when I binge on video games and porn. I thought "I can't be doing this, because it's going to screw up my sleeping habits on which I've been work for two weeks now; I'm gonna get back to the cycle off getting up at the last moment, skipping classes, never being prepared for anything, gorging on junk food, feeling crappy in the evening and starting over in the morning". So I stopped.

I think this is the only reason why I'm trying to abstain. Because it sucks so much when I don't. It sucks way worse than having a prospect of an uncomfortable eternity in front of myself.

I have a really hard time thinking. I woke up at the right hour, but I didn't get up for hald an hour. It's not as bad as it could be, at least I didn't go back to sleep. I had a pleasant night. Hopefully tomorrow I will still have the discipline to get up immediately. What can I do today to improve it? I'm going to get out of my apartment and study a lot. I'm gonna go to college even though I have no classes today, I'm gonna print out the notes that I have, and I'm gonna sit with them for several hours. This should be a nice accomplishment that should give me enough of a boost. Then I have one errand to do, and then maybe it will be a good enough weather to go for a bike ride.

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Quick report for the last two days - 11am. So two days ago was a clean day, I left the apartment and did a lot of studying. Then yesterday in the morning I just relapsed with porn. I wasn't even thinking, I just did it. I went to classes where I really didn't want to be, and then as I got home, I immediately got ro porn and I watched it until almost 2am. Today was the first day I broke my strek of getting up at the perfect hour. I woke up at 7, and decided to go to sleep. I didn't sleep in long, only about 1,5 hours (which is a huge improvement I guess, because three weeks ago my natural sleep without an alarm would last until noon) and then I started watching porn immediately. And I only finished just now.

I'm getting stressed out by things. I have to modify my marketing project today, it's not a lot of work, but because of the procrastinating I feel stressed out about it. I generally feel like I've procrastinated too much and now everything's going to be terribly hard. Anyway, I'm gonna do my morning routine now and if the sleeping habits are a little ingrained by now, I shouldn't have much trouble falling asleep at the usual hour.

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Report after relapses. Sadly, in the last few days I relapsed with everything. Even with junk food. I played a video game that wasn't even fun or satisfying. I got rid of it after two days three days (bofore that there was one slip with the same game). I added some junk food later, but luckily for now I only spent a little bit of money on it (it's a big financial problem for me when I binge on it). Today and over the last few days I've been watching porn and masturbating almost all the time. Before I returned to gaming, I was watching it for several hours a day, as if it was instead of gaming. That means I have to abstain from all three, otherwise it doesn't make sense.

My plan is thus: I'm gonna block all my internet except for the most crucial things (college stuff, facebook for communication, public transport, email, bank, doctor stuff, library stuff, this forum) and give the password to my best friend without telling him what it's all about. He's gonna think it's just so that I can study. I'm blocking reddit because there's no option to allow only specific subreddits. I'm also somehow gonna block all internet on my phones. That way I'll have no way to download games, waste time browsing random shit, look at any sexual stuff. I know there's a way to break all those restrictions if I really want to, but it's going to take a lot of time. I'll couple it with keeping busy and it should be fine.

If I spent the last week on hardcore studying like I was planning, right now I would be perfectly prepared for tomorrow's exam. Instead I've been just looking through the notes for the lest couple of hours. I'm only grateful that it's gonna be an easy test instead of something that actually requires real knowledge.

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Hey, hey, hey my SuperSaiyan!

The relapse is important thing. It happens, end this is the best time to make positive changes :)

The trick with friend is a good. I suggest you to tell him that it's just for studying/work purposes. This way you'll have to embarrass yourself if you will want to get the password back!

I recommend Rescue Time app. It's just awesome for me! It shows how much time you spend on specific website/program each day and show your productivity and distractive time. I installed it a month ago and I didn't even realise before how much time I wasted on YT over a month! :)

I have even better idea for blocking sites. Using computer at home should be only for things that are necessary. Planned at least day ahead. And things that you have to do at home. For me it's printing, accounting, accountability calls and this forum. The rest I can do outside the house like in coffee shop, library reading room or even outside :)

Btw. I'm interested into what you said once, I mean that you're psychologist. However you still study, right? Can you expand more about it? If you want of course :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Report. Life - crap.

I want to apply for an all-expenses-covered volunteering program that's going to last 6 or 12 months, but I have no idea how to write a motivation letter. I left myself one day to write it, because the applications end tomorrow. Also I don't have a CV, but it would be almost empty anyway.

I had a few days between my last exam and the end of the applications, but I spent 80% of my waking time gaming, until this morning.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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You are here so long and you still playing stupid games. Start searching why you are running from your problems or you just want fill emptiness in your life. Wake up! You are a man not a pussy. You are good enough. Love yourself and you will start doing what is good and best for you. Don't be like that people who justify their bad actions! You are better than that. We are here to support you. But you must take action and be responsible! Be strong!

Edited by Onlysoul
I'm grammar expert

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It's 2am. Every evening, whenever I go to bed, I have the same thought: tomorrow morning I'm gonna stop gaming, start a healthy diet, reduce computer time, write a post in this journal and so on. Then, in the morning, I immediately start up the computer and continue the crappy lifestyle from the previous day. It's been 14 days since my last exam, and in that time I made 10 or 20 commitments to get a hold of my life, all of which ended after up to a few hours. My lifestyle consists of this:

  • I wake up around 9-10am (there was a time when I would wake up at 7am every day not long ago; my habits haven't returned to their old crappy self yet)
  • I constantly play video games I don't even enjoy. Every couple of days I make a commitment to stop and I get rid of the account where I play this one game. Then after one or two days I but this game again. I already waster about 110zł on this. I don't enjoy gaming but I keep doing it.
  • I watch porn several times a day.
  • Two out of three days I only eat junk food (snacks and candy). The other days I eat one or two good meals and then junk food. Probably 3000-4000 calories a day.
  • When I don't game or watch porn, I'm on reddit and youtube.
  • That's it. My room is in more of a mess every day.

Maybe writing this here will help me. I'm now gonna go to sleep because I'm tired. But I kinda already started so maybe it will be a bit easier tomorrow.

Feeling not worthy, still a complete child who fantasizes about a relationship. No woman would want to date this empty pile of problems. I'm a child with no interests who hasn't dealt with a single serious problem in his life. I think of myself as of this awesome, critically-thinking buy, but I'm shallow and disgusting.

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Sounds like you need to start out with small changes right in the morning, to break the habit of killing your day with gaming. Cam always talks about having a solid "morning routine". Even the worst routine can be slowly eroded by small changes.

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Try 'Habitica'. It's an app that helps people build good habits. The system is similar to RPG, so you may enjoy building good habits day by day. You can join a party and a guild where the people who have the similar problem gather. I also have trouble wasting time everyday, but I can get reward or punishment from this app, so I can do my daily routine better now.

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Start looking these videos immediately!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBIt1VN5j37PVM8LLSuTTlw

 

You are like previous version of me. Lazy AF. But that is the past. I can manage my life you can do it too. Dont be pussy start living! You are the man! You are worth it! You didnt born to be on computer! You are better than that! You can change world! Just decide! We are here for you! But you must start taking immediately actions! Clean your room, sleep more, brush your teeth and check GTD or what is best for you. 

We are warriors! We can change ourselves! Feel free to pm or ICQ. You are worth it!

 

 

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From book The Power Of Habit:

Take, for instance, studies from the past decade examining the
impacts of exercise on daily routines. When people start habitually
exercising, even as infrequently as once a week, they start changing
other, unrelated patterns in their lives, often unknowingly. Typically,
people who exercise start eating better and becoming more productive at work.

They smoke less and show more patience with colleagues and family. They use their credit cards less frequently andsay they feel less stressed. 

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@Mettermrck - Well, after I managed to get out of bed, I took a cold shower and ate an okay, though non-vegan breakfast. Then I proceeded to waste the rest of my time, but I'm not sure on what, except this 4-hour nap just now.

@Tom2 - I was at habitica in the past, but right now it feels like a strong trigger. Even your profile picture seems triggering.

@Onlysoul - Oh god, I thought it was gonna be some interesting channel, not fucking improvement pill. But I appreciate the other post, I was planning to exercise anyway, this is good to know.

At least I'm not gaming today and I don't know why, but I don't have any cravings. To be honest, I'm treating it as a problem. Because when they get back, I'm gonna relapse. This is always what it looks like - I suddenly start feeling good and I think "Okay, now I'm onto something", but it's just a wave of emotion I'm riding and then when it ends, I get back to addiction and depression. It's as if I have cyclothymia. Maybe I should go to a psychiatrist - I scheduled a free consultation, but it's gonna be on August 4th. I already scheduled it twice in the past and didn't go, because I was feeling back when the date actually came.

It's 9pm. Now I'm gonna go take a cold shower, eat an okay but non-vegan dinner, and then strength exercise while watching a superhero movie.

I'm finding that cooking is a compelling alternative to gaming. I don't know why. I'm enjoying its simplicity and the manual aspect of it. It seems like an activity where I can see measurable growth - by slowly adding recipes - and it could have tons of long-term benefits. I'm pretty excited about going vegan, though a bit scared. Also it's a skill worth having in a relationship I hear. I still have to eat the rest of the non-vegan crap I still have in the fridge, but tomorrow I'm gonna start with some simple recipe. I'm totally horrible at cooking right now by the way, as I only have two or three very bland dishes that I alternate between. But I'm finding practice makes it relly effortless.

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I don't have energy to work out. That's been the case for about two weeks. Maybe it has to do something with my diet. I also feel a weird discomfort around my elbow when I lift. I thought resting should be enough to fix it. I'll try again tomorrow, but closer to the morning and not at 11pm.

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