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SuperSaiyanGod

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  1. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 37, 4.10.2019 20:22. I either forgot or didn't feel like writing yesterday. I'm mostly writing now because I don't want to skip days. I'm not sure I see much value in writing this journal right now. Though I want to keep doing it because I want to be able to use it later should I need to do this all over again. So yesterday I met my friend and she helped me finish my resume and look for job offers. Mostly she helped my by just being there, because the thought of looking for a job on my own is paralyzing. She says I have a very good resume. I don't really believe her, I think it's quite empty, all my experience in work and NGOs is stretched out as much as possible so that it doesn't look bare. But at least now it's 95% finished (just need a photo and some graphic design done). I have about a dozen job offers that we thought I should apply for. They are in vastly different fields, from english teacher to a dude who carries documents, none of them I really feel confident about or am excited about. But I'll see. We've also picked every offer that said english is very important, because that's my best skill, by a lot probably. I'll be finishing the resume tomorrow. Anyway, I'm intensely grateful to my friend. Today was first day of class. Last year of college if everything works out. I'm very stressed out because I didn't do my mandatory internship-type thing on time and now I'll have to ask someone what to do about it. I mean, the worst thing that can happen is they'll say I have to take a year off from college, which means I'll be at college for 9 years instead of 8 - no big difference. I don't expect that though. The second worst thing is that I might lose a shot at scholarship, which I otherwise would get 100% because I totally kicked ass at the last two grading periods. That would suck. If I get the money, I'll use it for psychotherapy. If I don't, it'll be a shame. Otherwise, I think that's it. It might be an unpleasant conversation, and I know I have no reason to have it feel unpleasant, but I find it hard to control even though I know all the possible bad consequences. That is all. I now have two days free. Today I registered to vote. Which means I'll be able to vote in this city. This is the first time I did that, usually I would either put it off for later until it was too late and be unable to vote, or have to vote at the village I'm from which is a pain. Now it is finally all. Huh, I just said I don't feel like writing this and then I wrote a lot. That's good. Oh, oh, I also cleaned the apartment today. Well, cleaned 85% of it. That felt good. But I really didn't want to do it. What I did was decided to just power through it immediately as I got home from classes. And it worked. I'm so stupid with the cleaning thing, I always put it off and it always feels more and more stressful that I still haven't done it, and then I just do it and it takes maybe an hour and isn't that bad. This actually describes me well in pretty much everything I have to do. That is a problem, I would definitely talk about in in psychotherapy.
  2. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 35, 2.10.2019 10:04. Forgot to write yesterday, possibly because I was gaming pretty much all day, just as I did the day before (started at about 15:00). I find it really difficult to stop. Today I slept until 9:00, but that's because I couldn't fall asleep until at least 3:00. And that's because my rls wouldn't let me. I had to get up to walk twice. I really don't feel like doing anything today. But I'm going to make breakfast. I should clean the apartment today.
  3. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 33, 30.09.2019 6:59 according to my computer, though my alarm just went off. I really feel like going back to sleep. Anyway, so far so good, I feel kind of motivated to do my morning routine and not game. Edit: 12:35. I did a thing I had to do, and I did my morning routine, but I didn't shower. And I for two hours in between. I feel like gaming. I really don't feel like exercising or playing guitar. I think I'll read in bed for a while.
  4. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 32, 29.09.2019 7:20. Forgot to write yesterday. Only remembered in the evening. Yesterday got up at 8, same reason as before, but the day before I'd only slept for maybe 30 minutes. But I had the worst sleep in weeks, I'm not sure I slept more than 50%, if even that. So that's why I set the alarm to 8. Today I got up at 7:00, quite easily. I don't feel like doing much. I forgot to buy rolls yesterday and today everything's closed. So I'll have to figure something out with breakfast. My morning's aren't going well. I usually get up early, then play video games or watch porn for some two hours, and only when I get really hungry do I start making breakfast. It's as if all I wanted to do was fill as much of my time with gaming as I can. I think that's why I should stop gaming cold-turkey. But I don't really want to, nor do I think I would succeed. Evening edit: 22:11. Today all I did was play video games and watch porn. I'm deeply uncomfortable with the fact that pretty much the only thing I care about is to make as much time for gaming as possible. Just squeeze in more gaming: before breakfast, before going out, before going to sleep. And I don't like how my bed time is slowly but steadily moving later into the evening. 8pm would be ideal, I'd be comfortable with 9pm, I'm uncomfortable with 10pm. Especially if I want to read for an hour before I go to sleep. So now I'm removing all my video games. They'll still be there on the internet, but at least they won't be immediately available. And doing this first tiny step should make tomorrow go more smoothly. I want to fix my morning routine: up, out to bakery, shower, breakfast. Maybe add exercise before the shower, which I should be doing for my knee anyway but haven't started. Maybe later add guitar practice afterwards. I don't want to revert back to my bad habits, those which I've been working on eliminating this past month. But tomorrow I have to go out pretty early so I'll exercise after I get back.
  5. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 30, 27.09.2019 8:35. Woohoo, day 30! I believe I've already written a longer report some time ago, I don't think much has changed. One thing that's important is that being at my parents' was indeed a great boon and since I returned home it's been harder. The trick with putting my phone away from bed so that I have to get up immediately as I hear the alarm works every time. Today I slept until 8:00 (actually woke up earlier, around 7:45, and kinda knew I wouldn't fall asleep again) because I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight I think, and that's probably because I slept between 14:00 and 16:something yesterday. I was just very sleepy. I also didn't feel like doing anything except reading in bed. For an hour I was able to fend off sleep, even didn't feel sleepy at all when I was lying on my stomach. But then I kinda fell asleep without really realising it. I did feel andger and disappointment, but I also felt no longer sleepy. So I don't really feel bad about it anymore. I need a feelings chart. I've decided quitting gaming this way isn't really a good idea. Instead what I'm going to do is start building positive habits for activities I can use to replace gaming. Yesterday reading felt very nice. So the first one is going to be reading. I'm going to set a goal of reading an hour a day. This shouldn't be too hard, and it'll definitely make reading much more enjoyable since it'll help me stop forgetting what I'd been reading before. So sleep 30, reading 2, eating 458+ As for eating - if I'm losing .75kg every week, which is what it seems like, I've calculated that I only need 12 weeks to get to 80kg and another 16 to get to 70. Assuming the rate stays the same. I find the fact that getting to my goal of having normal weight (80kg) is only going to get three months if I keep the right habits VERY motivating. I don't think I had that goal before, back when I started and I weighed 114kg, but now it's realistic, and I think it'll be helpful to have the goal.
  6. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 29, 26.09.2019 7:40. I didn't fall asleep until well after 23:30, because my new roommate was moving in and doing some noise. But then I slept well. Oh well. I feel very similar today as I did yesterday. But I'm a bit more motivated to doing stuff. I don't get any real pleasure or satisfaction from gaming. I think I'm going to stop. I don't really feel ready. And I have no idea what I'm going to replace it with. So for now I'm going to make a rule of no gaming until 12:00. if I don't count the morning routine, it should be only aroudn 3 hours every day. And I'll see how it feels. So I guess I'll start separating it into: Day 29 of sleep experiment Day 1 of gaming experiment Day 457+ of eating experiment And of course I'm not counting days of success, but days of attempt. However, I think it might be the case that the next chapter of this operation isn't going to be about gaming, but about finding a job. That's because that is the second most problematic area of my life. The first was sleep, which sapped my motivation completely at the very beginning of every day. The fact that I don't have a job and never really had one gives me a lot of stress, anxiety, and feeling of being worthless. And feeling of being late. So it might be that I'll put the gaming experiment on hold for at least a month after I start the job experiment. That's because my rule (and one everyone should have because studies support it) is to only work on one thing self-improvement-wise at a time, and give that one thing at least 30 days before I try something else.
  7. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 28, 25.09.2019 Forgot to write yesterday. I really don't feel like doing anything. It's 7:04. I really don't feel like making breakfast or taking a shower. My friend visited two days ago and left yesterday. I was already itching to be on my own by the time he was leaving. Then I proceeded to waste all that time. We met my other friend and it was fun. Most of the time I could lay back and let them do the talking, which is kinda what I'd planned. I likely won't be doing anything today. I'll wait with breakfast until I feel hungry.
  8. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 26, 23.09.2019 7:56. I got up at 7:45 because yesterday I forgot to set up the alarm (I turned it off because I'd already been up). And so I've been lying in bed half awake and half asleep, waiting for the alarm to go off, as I was hearing the street strating to get busy and seeing the light emerging. But then I realised there was no alarm. So I just got up. I have no bad feelings about it, I'm even happy that I already have the habit of waking up on my own this early. It wasn't hard to get up either. And I'm perfectly rested. Yesterday I turned off the computer at 21:55. I played video games and until then. I think I fell asleep in a standard length of time, maybe an hour. Like yesterday, I don't remember getting up during the night. Maybe there was one time? I don't remember. Now that I'm back in the city, my old morning routine is back up: first go out to buy things for breakfast, than take a shower, than make and eat a big breakfast. And right about that time my friend should be about to arrive. Oh, today I'm signing up for a german course. I just learned I have an additional 90 hours of free language courses at my college, and I intend to use them. Maybe I should pick up another language? Maybe French, it would be nice to be able to read all that illegible stuff that sometimes pops up in italics for a change.
  9. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 25, 22.09.2019 I've been feeling much worse since I returned home. Maybe it's because this place is associated in my head with all the crap I'm usually feeling. Maybe it's because there's less space, or no cats. Or maybe it's because I don't have anyone to talk to. For the last three weeks I spent time with my parents every day, and quite a lot for my standards. Now I don't have that ability. So I really don't feel like playing guitar today. And, just like yesterday, I really feel like sitting in front of the computer all night. I think yesterday I went to sleep after 21:30, or even 22:00. Not bad, but I felt this compulsion to keep going. Even though earlier that day I felt sleepy because I had woken up earlier than usual. I just don't want the day to end. I don't want to be quiet with myself. If I was able to fall asleep immediately, it would be much easier. Tomorrow my friend is visiting me, and I also have a meeting set up with my other friend. So I'll be spending time with the two people I like most in the world, at the same time. This is going to be interesting, and might give me a boost I need.
  10. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 24, 21.09.2019 19:10. I've been at my parents' for exactly three weeks. It was nice, much better than expected. It helped me with my sleeping habits. Now I'm back home, I got back at noon. The first thing is that it's cold here, much colder than back at my parents'. This makes the bed very inviting. I need some way to keep my feet warm because it's very distracting. I am currently in bed because of that reason. An interesting development. I think this night was the first night when I didn't have to get up during the night. This is probably because the previous night I only slep for some 7 hours. But that doesn't seem like a sufficient explanation. Another explanation is that it's because I'm getting better sleeping habits. But it's too early to conclude that. It's still early in the process. So I went to bed at around 21:00 and fell asleep quite quickly (or at least it didn't take exceptionally long, just a normal amount of long) and slept straight until 5:30, which is when I had to get up. I may have woken up during the night but I have no memory of it. The result is that today I am more sleepy than usual. Over the last one week it wasn't really a problem to stay awake during the day, but today it was a little tempting to take a nap. I didn't though. I played the guitar today. I've now played every day for 13 days, at least 45 minutes a day. This week I played much less than last week though. Today I returned to my own guitar and it's much harder to play than on my dad's guitar. I think I need to go to a music store and ask how to make the strings "softer". That Nothing Else Matters is coming along nicely, though slowly. My brain is slowly getting used to these new movements. I'm currently trying to get my head around the verse and today I've been mostly playing two bars on loop.
  11. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 23, 20.09.2019 8:41. So today I woke up on my own and it was bright, so I immediately jumped out of bed thinking that I'd missed the alarm or even turned it off without remembering. And then I looked at the phone (which was away from bed) and it was 6:57. So yeah. That was a bit of panic. Yesterday I couldn't fall asleep until well after 23:00. But I still got some 7 hours of sleep, which is awesome. I think I haven't had any suicide thoughs in three weeks.
  12. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 22, 19.09.2019 7:46. Someting interesting happened today, that is, something different than usual. Yesterday in the evening I made a plan to put my phone away from my bed so that I would have to get up to turn off the alarm. I didn't expect it to have any effect, because usually when I did that I would just go to sleep immediately. For example when the alarm was set for 14:00 so I would get up then instead of at 17:00. Now it worked. I heard the alarm, was confused as usual because of it, but got up and turned it off. And then my rational side took over: I had absolutely no good reason to get back to bed. And I just started my day - shower etc. It felt very good. So it might be a good idea to try it again. I think this time it worked because the circumstances changed so radically. I think I woke up 4 times this night. Slept maybe 80%. I find it very frustrating.
  13. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 21, 18.09.2019 20:51. So it's been three weeks. I think that's what's said about how long it takes for a habit to form. I don't feel like my habit is formed. Every evening I have this thing that I want to keep sitting in front of the computer like I always do (or did, hopefully) or just keep myself from falling asleep for as long as possible. Maybe that's because going to sleep means cutting myself off from all the stimulation, and I want as much stimulation as possible. Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of that silence and void of me just lying there doing nothing, and that's why I want to keep myself stimulated. But, it actually feels good to realise that I haven't done that in three weeks. Not once during these three weeks did I have to feel horrible for going to sleep at 4am (or at 8am, or later). I didn't have to feel disappointment in myself or self-hate because of that. I did occasionally feel some disappointment from getting up at 7am instead of 5. This is what I already talked about, it's not really rational. Maybe it will go away. Getting up has been hard all through the last week. I go to sleep at 9 or 10 pm, and sleep for 9 or 10 hours (stay in bed for that long, sleep less of course because I keep waking up multiple times a night). And then all I feel like is going back to sleep. But I never once did that. I stayed in bed until around 8 sometimes, including today. And I spent that time doing things I'm not proud of, including browsing the internet. But at least I didn't fall asleep again. I always remember that that would be a disaster. What if I sleep until 12pm? That would ruin everything I achieved so far. So, I wonder if more of the same is going to change anything. If in it'll get easier for me to get sleepy in the evening, easier to actually go to sleep, and easier to get up in the morning. And possible to sleep through the night without waking up. Or maybe I should change something. But that comes later, for now I'm sticking with this. One last thing: it's gotten a lot less exciting. If used to feel amazing, every new success was a reward. Now it's just "how much longer do I have to do this until it gets easier". That's it. I didn't plan to write any of this right now. Today I woke up at 7 and got up at 8. It didn't feel good, but it's better than going back to sleep. Almost forgot to write today again. I played the guitar for 1,5 hours, it felt good. I started learning Nothing Else Matters. As always, it's intimidating, but actually starting on a short fragment makes it perfectly doable. Also one other thing I've been trying to get a hadle of (but not nearly as much practice as Stairway to Heaven earlier) suddenly clicked today - just a few more days and it'll be mine. Edit: I weigh 89kg.
  14. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 20, 17.09.2019 20:47. Got up around 7am, it was pretty hard to get up. I just played guitar with my dad for a while. It was pretty chaotic but okay. That's it I guess.
  15. GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 19, 16.09.2019 8:09. Woke up at 6:40 because my mom was leaving for work. My parents got back around 2. I think I'll stay here until Saturday, in part because their presence will help me with maintaining my sleeping habits (which is very important for at least another week to silidify the habit), but mostly because travelling back home is going to be easier on Saturday. I think I slept remarkably well, maybe 90%. I did almost all the things I had to do yesterday. It took only a short while really.
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