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Listen to Cam and James Discuss eSports In Episode 2 of Gaming the System!


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About SuperSaiyanGod

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  1. I've just remembered something. The rule was that anything goes as long as I do / don't do x. It worked perfectly for my diet (haven't broken any rule even once in seven months), exerecise (hadn't skipped a day until me knee started acting up), and then video games. Maybe I'll just apply that again. Although I really want to game right now. I can't think of anything that could take my mind off of it. Especially since gaming is an active activity, and I don't really have any other active things to do that I would be able to do for such a long time.
  2. I want to quit gaming. I know it doesn't serve me. But I don't know how to do it, I don't know what I did last time when I made it to 80 days. I guess I was just motivated. Or I started at the right moment. I remember feeling ready for it. It was supposed to serve a specific goal of being an engaged student. I also started at a time when I had very little stress from external sources (in contrast to the often-present stress from the inner source of suicidal thoughts). So right now I am basically over with my semester. I only have two small things and one tiny, easy exam and then I'll have exactly three weeks of winter break. Which means it's going to get a lot less stressful. This should make not gaming much easier. So I'll start now and I'll have a headstart.
  3. I haven't touched junk food, snacks, ice cream, candy etc. in over six months. December 24 was actually ~180 days. December 24 was also supposed to be exactly 90 days without gaming. I had a reddit post planned to celebrate that. I made it to around 80 though. At some point I decided that since I waste a lot of time anyway, I might as well waste it on games, because what's the difference. I can be reasonably productive even if I spend 5 hours a day on porn and the internet, so if I replace some of that with gaming it wouldn't be a problem. The whole reason I had cut out gaming in the first place was so that it wouldn't distract me from college stuff. Well, there is only one difference between gaming and surfing, and it's that gaming makes me want to do it more. The more I game, the more I want to game the next day. And very soon my days became almost exclusively about gaming. At one point a few weeks ago I started working really hard on reducing procrastination. I was making detailed plans and intentions about the things I'm gonna do, and I felt really good because I was taking care of all the stressful stuff very quickly. I intended to continue during my Christmas break, and I even kept it up for three days. I woke up quite late, but I got to work immediately. I planned to do several important things during the week. I worked on them incrementally, for 2-4 hours a day, and then went to visit a friend or played video games. But I soon started playing video games until 2am. Then 4am. When I was with my friend, I often wanted to go home and play video games. Sunday the 23rd was the last productive day, then between Monday and today I've been doing almost nothing but gaming.And I've been going to sleep after 4am and waking up after noon. And I was getting increasingly stressed out about all the important things I still have to do. So now, at 4am I've decided to get rid of my games again. This time it should be much easier even than the last time, because I've learned a lesson about why I really don't want to game. Still, I made it to 80 days. It's never been that long, except maybe in 2012 when I had a girlfriend. And it was surprisingly easy because I spent the entire summer preparing. And I took it one thing at a time - instead of attempting to turn my life over, I just added another element to a change that's been going on since June. I still have quite a lot of time to get everything done. I'll just have to start working on it. My diet is reasonably okay compared to how I ate earlier, though I haven't been losing weight for about two months because I ate too much pizza. As in every 2-3 days. Maybe I'll work on that too. It appears I am not going to any new year's eve party. Oh well. Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I've ever been to one (or hosted one) that I have genuinely enjoyed. It's more like I always expect the next one is going to be perfect.
  4. I did it. I've assembled a six person team and we prepared an outline of a large event and sent it to a contest from which we're might get the funds to see it through. It was pretty hard, but I had a lot of help from more experienced people. I also had a great team. I've finished one of the smaller projects, the other one is by this Friday, not the previous one. So I'm gonna finish it by the end of the week and then have a quieter period. I'm having a bit of trouble controlling my eating. I eat to much pizza and waste a lot of money on it. Otherwise, I feel stressed out but pretty okay.
  5. Starting this moment, the most hardcore week of this year starts for me. Three major projects to do, one by Tuesday and two by Friday. But I'm gonna do it. So, starting now, I don't have time for even a single distraction. No youtube, no movies. No two hours of porn before going to sleep, no sleeping in in the morning. This is something I can do. I'll tell you how it went in a week.
  6. I don't think I got any rest. Nothing's changed, I still feel overwhelmed by everything. I don't wanna live my life, I don't wanna do all that stressful stuff. I wanna forget about everything. I can't even do the simple things because I'm paralyzed whenever I think about them.
  7. This week there took place an event my friends and I have been preparing since February. It was a meeting of all the officials of a large European student organisation I'm in. 70 people from around the continent, 8 days. Even though a few nights were hard, this was probably one of the top 3 weeks of my life. And for the first time in my life I felt like I have a group of friends. Then there was an after party with just the ten of us. We really got close to each other, or at least that's what I hope it is. And I hope it lasts. But now I have to return to my crappy life, and I feel even worse about it because of the contrast. I just have to survive the next month, I have three large projects which I am panicking about, but they will be over by the second week of December. I don't really care about doing them well, I just wanna survive.
  8. I might be repeating myself and it may be boring. But I would really like to kill myself and be done with all this. There's too much stress from everything. This looks like the perfect, permanent solution to this permanent problem. I can't imagine how I could ever be at peace unless I do it. How I would like to be done with all this nonsense.
  9. I have strong mood swings on a daily basis. Like today I felt okay, then rather bad, then quite good, then great for a short while, then bad as soon as I got home.
  10. I feel the best when I have a lot to do and I have a challenge mindset about them. Which is right now. I've decided that my chief challenge for the next let's say 3 months is going to be to be disciplined about studying. If I can do all my studying regularly, and actually study with the purpose of learning things and not just to pass classes, I'm going to feel a lot better about my college and about my future. Which means I'm going to be a lot less stressed out and my quality of life is going to go through the roof. I'm also going to keep notes on everything to-do, so that I can be absolutely sure that I'm not forgetting anything. I'll also keep deadlines to plan my activities ahead. It was exactly the same thing with food back in June - when I had my meals planned a few days in advance, and a full fridge at all times, it was much easier to keep discipline about what I ate, and my diet has been a great success so far. So, with these notes everything's going to be much better organised, I'll be calmer about not-forgetting stuff, and as a result I'll have much less stress. Which means my quality of life is going to improve greatly. In other words: for now I'll just get to work.
  11. Here's what I mean by surviving. A typical pattern of my daily life is to get up and do the basic morning stuff, go do the things I have to do like classes and other obligations, then get back home and sit in front of the computer or go to bed, sometimes both at the same time, and try not to think about all the stuff that I have to do the next day. If I have a free day than it's computer and bed all the time, with as much sleeping as possible. And that's it. Sometimes I study. I eat well and exercise regularly, but otherwise all I wanna do is forget about my life as often as possible. Does anyone else have the same thing?
  12. That depends on your goals, right? If you want to save up money for a house, wedding, children etc., then maybe you should get the job that pays more. If you aren't planning such things but take the job then it seems your goal is to have as much money as possible when you die. Which doesn't really make sense. On the other hand if your goal is to simply live a satisfying life, then maybe you should take the job that gives you more satisfaction?
  13. Thanks for your reply. I'm at a very bad place at the moment, lying in bed unable to sleep, thinking about my life and crying a little. The void I'm taking about is not about meaning, it's mostly about feelings. I know that every single facet of the entirety of existence is as meaningless as possible. I don't have even a slight inclination towards doing anything "meaningful" with my life. I want to make my life feel better, that's it. I don't know what that emotional void is. It's like something very important is missing from my life, or maybe from me. Like I'm lacking something. But i don't know what it is, and the only thing I can do about it is try to escape from it, forget about it. Which is why I do pretty much anything, like sleep as long as I can, or lie in front of the computer late into the night so that I can postpone the moment when I have to lie in bed doing nothing for about an hour before I fall asleep. I'm just uncomfortable with being with myself. Maybe that's the core problem. I keep comparing myself to characters from How I Met Your Mother. I've never had anything even resembling the friendship that they have. Right now I would like to have someone I could share my pain with. I would like to have someone to listen while I talk about the problems even I'm having trouble naming, give me their time and accept me as I am, and then hug me while I cry. And then if they ever needed the same, I would be there for them. I haven't had anyone like that in a very long time, if ever. This hurts even more.
  14. There is a void and everything I do is to escape from it. I have no idea how I could fill it instead. It's destroying me and I don't know how much longer I can hold out like this.
  15. I'm spending most of my time watching a tv show. Otherwise, college-related stuff is getting very stressful, I've already had a breakdown a few days ago.
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