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SuperSaiyanGod

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About SuperSaiyanGod

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  1. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    I did it. I've assembled a six person team and we prepared an outline of a large event and sent it to a contest from which we're might get the funds to see it through. It was pretty hard, but I had a lot of help from more experienced people. I also had a great team. I've finished one of the smaller projects, the other one is by this Friday, not the previous one. So I'm gonna finish it by the end of the week and then have a quieter period. I'm having a bit of trouble controlling my eating. I eat to much pizza and waste a lot of money on it. Otherwise, I feel stressed out but pretty okay.
  2. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    Starting this moment, the most hardcore week of this year starts for me. Three major projects to do, one by Tuesday and two by Friday. But I'm gonna do it. So, starting now, I don't have time for even a single distraction. No youtube, no movies. No two hours of porn before going to sleep, no sleeping in in the morning. This is something I can do. I'll tell you how it went in a week.
  3. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    I don't think I got any rest. Nothing's changed, I still feel overwhelmed by everything. I don't wanna live my life, I don't wanna do all that stressful stuff. I wanna forget about everything. I can't even do the simple things because I'm paralyzed whenever I think about them.
  4. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    This week there took place an event my friends and I have been preparing since February. It was a meeting of all the officials of a large European student organisation I'm in. 70 people from around the continent, 8 days. Even though a few nights were hard, this was probably one of the top 3 weeks of my life. And for the first time in my life I felt like I have a group of friends. Then there was an after party with just the ten of us. We really got close to each other, or at least that's what I hope it is. And I hope it lasts. But now I have to return to my crappy life, and I feel even worse about it because of the contrast. I just have to survive the next month, I have three large projects which I am panicking about, but they will be over by the second week of December. I don't really care about doing them well, I just wanna survive.
  5. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    I might be repeating myself and it may be boring. But I would really like to kill myself and be done with all this. There's too much stress from everything. This looks like the perfect, permanent solution to this permanent problem. I can't imagine how I could ever be at peace unless I do it. How I would like to be done with all this nonsense.
  6. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    I have strong mood swings on a daily basis. Like today I felt okay, then rather bad, then quite good, then great for a short while, then bad as soon as I got home.
  7. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    I feel the best when I have a lot to do and I have a challenge mindset about them. Which is right now. I've decided that my chief challenge for the next let's say 3 months is going to be to be disciplined about studying. If I can do all my studying regularly, and actually study with the purpose of learning things and not just to pass classes, I'm going to feel a lot better about my college and about my future. Which means I'm going to be a lot less stressed out and my quality of life is going to go through the roof. I'm also going to keep notes on everything to-do, so that I can be absolutely sure that I'm not forgetting anything. I'll also keep deadlines to plan my activities ahead. It was exactly the same thing with food back in June - when I had my meals planned a few days in advance, and a full fridge at all times, it was much easier to keep discipline about what I ate, and my diet has been a great success so far. So, with these notes everything's going to be much better organised, I'll be calmer about not-forgetting stuff, and as a result I'll have much less stress. Which means my quality of life is going to improve greatly. In other words: for now I'll just get to work.
  8. Here's what I mean by surviving. A typical pattern of my daily life is to get up and do the basic morning stuff, go do the things I have to do like classes and other obligations, then get back home and sit in front of the computer or go to bed, sometimes both at the same time, and try not to think about all the stuff that I have to do the next day. If I have a free day than it's computer and bed all the time, with as much sleeping as possible. And that's it. Sometimes I study. I eat well and exercise regularly, but otherwise all I wanna do is forget about my life as often as possible. Does anyone else have the same thing?
  9. That depends on your goals, right? If you want to save up money for a house, wedding, children etc., then maybe you should get the job that pays more. If you aren't planning such things but take the job then it seems your goal is to have as much money as possible when you die. Which doesn't really make sense. On the other hand if your goal is to simply live a satisfying life, then maybe you should take the job that gives you more satisfaction?
  10. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    Thanks for your reply. I'm at a very bad place at the moment, lying in bed unable to sleep, thinking about my life and crying a little. The void I'm taking about is not about meaning, it's mostly about feelings. I know that every single facet of the entirety of existence is as meaningless as possible. I don't have even a slight inclination towards doing anything "meaningful" with my life. I want to make my life feel better, that's it. I don't know what that emotional void is. It's like something very important is missing from my life, or maybe from me. Like I'm lacking something. But i don't know what it is, and the only thing I can do about it is try to escape from it, forget about it. Which is why I do pretty much anything, like sleep as long as I can, or lie in front of the computer late into the night so that I can postpone the moment when I have to lie in bed doing nothing for about an hour before I fall asleep. I'm just uncomfortable with being with myself. Maybe that's the core problem. I keep comparing myself to characters from How I Met Your Mother. I've never had anything even resembling the friendship that they have. Right now I would like to have someone I could share my pain with. I would like to have someone to listen while I talk about the problems even I'm having trouble naming, give me their time and accept me as I am, and then hug me while I cry. And then if they ever needed the same, I would be there for them. I haven't had anyone like that in a very long time, if ever. This hurts even more.
  11. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    There is a void and everything I do is to escape from it. I have no idea how I could fill it instead. It's destroying me and I don't know how much longer I can hold out like this.
  12. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    I'm spending most of my time watching a tv show. Otherwise, college-related stuff is getting very stressful, I've already had a breakdown a few days ago.
  13. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    END OF SUMMER UPDATE I have over 90 days of good diet and 41 days of everyday exercising under my belt. On the first of October I'm starting classes again and just now I've decided to stop gaming. I thought about doing it earlier but I didn't think I could succeed. I'm going to do it now so that I can have a week when I start classes. It'll be hard to fill my days with something interesting, but I think I can manage it. I've been extremely stressed out by every single thing, obligation or plan, and so for the summer I didn't have any plans and as little obligations as I could. In general, most of my life efforts focus on escaping life. This seems to be the root of all my compulsive behavior. I think I'm ready to start changing it. I started my diet the day of my last exam and I've been at it every since, never breaking a rule. It was a very slight change so it wasn't hard. Then I thought I could add another small change, because it'd been 50 days from the previous one. I figure if I add these changes with less frequency, I won't be overwhelmed by them and I'll be able to stick with them. And so I've decided to exercise on my stationary bike for 30 minutes every day, and I haven't skipped a day. Now I've gotten rid of all my games. This is going to be helpful because I already have some college-related stuff to do and no games will mean one less place to escape to. I've lost at least 8kg (could be more since I don't remember my starting weight, but it was at least 110kg) since the beginning of the summer, but it only kicked off since I've cut out sugar from several products I've been eating. Sporadically eating pizza didn't seem to be any problem weight-wise. I'm often craving for something sweet so I have a constant supplies of oranges. I didn't even start working on the youtube channel I had been planning, except for writing maybe 10% of two scripts. This is mostly because of what I wrote about plans above, and also just fear of the unknown, and I don't like to be on camera. Plus, since then I've kinda lost interest in the topic of the planned channel. I figure I should instead focus on stuff related to college and work, because I'd really like to have some security first and foremost. This summer I've probably been the most depressed since 2011. Thinking about death practically every day. I'm not saying I suddenly have some new resolve or anything. But for now I'm just going to give it another go. I'd really like to have some friends I could count on and spend time with, like people in a tv show I'm watching. I've never had any of that. I guess I'll just get to work on my professional life for now (as in start building it from less than zero), which is the only thing in my life about which I kinda have an idea how I can fix it. Okay, I've deleted my latest game and my mod storage. Setting it up again would take a whole day. This should be enough for now. Tomorrow I'll have some stuff to do, otherwise I'll probably read a book or something.
  14. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    I'd like to start a youtube channel but I think it's going to be shitty. Though I have a lot of ideas, I don't think I'm a good enough philosopher to talk about it, and also getting to work on a video is much harder than I thought it would be.
  15. SuperSaiyanGod

    Super Saiyan Journal

    I'm thinking about suicide almost all the time. I'll buy some sort of cord today and then decide what to do with it.
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