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fawn_xoxo

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Everything posted by fawn_xoxo

  1. The start I have been gaming for the last ten years of my life, more or less. I've quit and I've gone back at least once every year and my mental and physical health, relationships with loved ones, professional life all have taken a hit because of this. Before I start the everyday summary and review of each day, I'll take the time to write down all my thoughts, all my notes, all my goals and desires I have for myself, a text that I can go back to when I need a reminder of why I am doing this and what I should do if I feel lost. A way to keep myself in check and not lose track. Aside from low self-esteem and respect from all the times I've seen myself get hooked, then try to leave, then go back to a lot of times do worse, gaming habits have also given me weight, from staying up, eating at night, not sleeping well, not eating right. So I'll start the goals list with losing this weight and getting fitter. I would like to go back down to an average weight, build up my stamina and look slimmer and younger. An overweight body makes me look older and I don't want that. What I really want is to look at least as young as I am, to look healthy as well. To be healthy. This goal has subgoals; drink the right amount of water, consume the right amount of calories, do the couch-to-2k program, to start with. I have my fitness pal to help me with the first two, and I have the app for the third. So, I have the tools to start doing this one. What made me go back to games the previous times was that I was not ready, was not decisive enough to try and replace games with other activities. I knew I should do it, but I didn't put in the effort. I binge-watched series, movies, YouTube and Twitch, basically numbing myself/killing time. I did not cover any of the needs games covered for me, and for me I think all the four things Cameron has stated apply. More specifically, I feel a sense of belonging in the community, I feel admired and praised for my skill, I have people that I share this interest with and that I talk with about said interest, I have the drive to always do more and get better in it. But I know that I can find these things in other activities, have the variety I so desperately need in life by having multiple hobbies instead of just one, and feel less trapped in it as a result. One of the things I have started and put on pause many times is art: 2d art, 3d art, I do it all and although I do it in patches of time instead of consistently, I know of daily and weekly challenges, of ways to keep myself interested and in the flow regarding a skill that I would like to be good at. I would like to be good enough in art so that people commission me to draw their characters for them, I would like to be good enough in art so that I can proudly share my sketches with people online, have an audience that likes what I create. So that's one more goal and these are ways to go about it. Beyond art, I could get back into reading. I used to read a book every night before I fell asleep with it as a teenager. Those were fiction books, novels, and in previous attempts at changing my gaming habits I've bought a few books to read from self-development to fiction, but I've only gotten far enough with one and even that one I haven't finished. I am not sure where I'd like this habit to be, but it makes sense that maybe after I am done with my gaming in the evening, I pick up whichever book I want and relax with it in my hands as I lie down in bed.This is a resting activity, according to Cameron.I am also thinking of combining books in audio format with the fitness goals, not necessarily couch-to-2k because to do that you have to keep the app on your phone and listen to the digital coach, not some audio book, but I could listen to an audio-book if I do other fitness, I guess. Or I could listen to an audio-book when I lie down in bed, so I don't have to worry about having a light on in the room, or falling asleep on the book. As I stated in my raw introduction post, I do not intend to never play again, nor have I put a goal of abstinence from games. My goal is to only game four hours a day maximum, keep an eye on my mood before, during and after it, keep an eye on whether it's affecting my thoughts, my decisions and my emotions outside of those four hours and if needed, re-evaluate it with time. I will be monitoring those feelings to keep myself in check and see if it is working for me. I do not know whether this has anything to do with gaming, but I have the gut feeling it is related with my lifestyle (which is heavily affected by playing games all day and night, so here goes): My posture is bad and my words come too fast out of my mouth, which ends up making me have to repeat myself to people a lot of times. It's two things I want to correct about myself, posture and speaking clearer and slower, so I'm just writing these down here as well to not lose sight of them. Here, this journal in and of itself is a goal for me. To write this is to maintain a habit consistently everyday, so this is included too. I'll be keeping track of it too. Without giving details, I'd like to work more hours being focused, include more variety in it and more creativity in it. This is another goal. Sleep. This is one of the things that have suffered the most through the years and is the reason why my days are so sluggish all the time. I will soon write my first journal entry, but the goal is to sleep right, not less, not more than necessary. Ideas for hobbies: Song writing, music composing (I would love to know how, I don't know where to start just yet), guitar playing, fiction writing.
  2. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    Day 113. Had a few tough days during the week, but the sun is up now. I am feeling positive, and it's not the first day of course, so I thought why not write down some positive things? If I hadn't given up on gaming I wouldn't have known so many things about myself. I would not be in reality, I would still be in a limbo, life passing me by. I hadn't addressed some personal issues all these years because I pushed them under the rug as I gamed. I didn't know that I was under stress, but I was, I was afraid of things and games helped me hide in my house away from phobias. This only made the phobias stronger, as the more you don't face your fears the more you're telling yourself they are a real threat. I'm not going into detail about these things, they're personal to me and vulnerable. I'm actively working on this, trying to see things objectively, trying to accept and love myself. For the most part I've forgiven? myself? I am not sure if I've forgiven myself, but there's no active guilt and regret in my mind any longer. Compared to other people my age, I'm behind professionally, I see the people in college who are younger than me and I know that when I was their age I couldn't focus on studying. But there are at least positives in being older than others in class, I'm not hesitant like I used to be, I care less about fitting in and I can pay attention to the material rather than chit chat with friends like I used to. I also am looking at college like a resource and I see the professors for what they are, people with years of experience that I can benefit from. I wasn't mature or grounded enough to see them like this when I was younger. I'm also now capable of telling whether something is in my interests or not, some classes do interest me, others not so much. I am finding a new social self. People appreciating my efforts really motivates me to work more, that's the reason I was doing so well in school before college. The professors were mostly approachable and appreciative of my efforts, whereas in college I got a metaphorical slap on the face by how little most professors cared about us students and how they disrespected us. I wasn't ready for that experience and it surely contributed to my repulsion and avoidance of college. Things have changed now, and I'm also more thick skinned myself, but I've found some good people in the professors. To go back to the social thing, I'm finding it gradually easier to talk to other students- I know these are things natural to people, talking and such, but for me it's like I need to relearn some of it. I walk a lot nowadays, I get out of the house a lot and I prefer it this way. Home is bound to awake bad eating habits in me, so being in college and working not at home has helped me greatly with the weight loss. I'm lighter than I've been in the last three to four years, and I'm continuing, I've completed 40% of my weight loss journey so far. Rediscovering the self and keeping my ears open to my inner voice is an interesting process. It's like trial and error, if it works I'm already one step further than yesterday and if it doesn't I'm just in the same point in my path. I'm trying new approaches, reconsidering everyday choices and just evaluating mostly everything that I don't feel certain is done in a me way. I don't want to rely on my loved ones for solutions, for decisions, etc, I want to stand on my own two feet and I want to stand by my beliefs. What are these? Not all are clear to me, not all my desires are known to me yet, but I'm doing my best to be open to myself and not constrain myself to a gamer identity any longer. Just cause I haven't gone exploring new locations all these years doesn't mean I'd not enjoy it in example. I'm in this process of discovery and recalibration, sometimes it's scary and some other times it's exciting. Suits my near-cyclothymic self fine. I'm also revisiting my strengths and flaws, trying to lessen my prejudices, my oversensitive nature and other weak points.
  3. fawn_xoxo

    Begin again

    I used to work from home for years, from the same computer I gamed. Taking my work outside of the house helped me tremendously with focus, focus impossible to achieve when comfortable.
  4. @Juliet So far, I like the era it's about, though sometimes the descriptions can become overwhelmingly long with details. The plot is about a couple's life and how the woman wishes for more an the time, I guess? I'm still at the beginning!
  5. fawn_xoxo

    mattso's late journal

    Well said. I wish I understood taking action is the only thing that can change feelings when I was sorta depressed, waiting for it to somehow reverse itself. Try to remember it and DO IT next time too!
  6. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    It really depends on the person. You might be able to progress within your existing environment or you might need a total break. I personally think that taking a break from everything only looks ideal in our heads. If you're alone you will have no mom to talk to, to be hugged by if you need a hug. It might be confusing yeah, but I'd take your therapist's word and do the program for ten days. Use the afternoon and evening to process what happens 8am-3pm. Intense mental workshop style, I guess. Don't go at it alone, you're not a friend to yourself yet, my 2 cents. Your mother isn't training you to treat her badly, she's just tolerating your anger issues cause she loves you. And as far as those ideas you have that people hate you are concerned, do some cognitive distortions worksheets to realign your thoughts with reality. You need to put in the work, nobody else can fix these thinking patterns but yourself.
  7. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    How will being away from everyone help? Even if you do do it, you need a plan, right? Trying to help you sort things out.
  8. fawn_xoxo

    Cameron's Journal

    No problem, you can also do @ and start writing a name, the site will give you a suggestion and you can select a user to tag directly. It really helped me, opened my eyes to issues and distorted beliefs for myself. It might be a start for more introspection for you too!
  9. fawn_xoxo

    Cameron's Journal

    Depends, do you struggle with it? It helped me, and still I'm nowhere near where I wanna be. But it's a great start and it's always useful to go back to it in times of need and rebalancing yourself.
  10. Someone else on the forums mentioned Madame Bovary so I picked it up and been reading it.
  11. fawn_xoxo

    Cameron's Journal

    I mean, the rest of your post was you giving us advice! 😅 Welcome to the forums.
  12. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    Trigger warning: Not for the sensitive. You're angry at other people the majority of the time, and you spend significant mental resources caring about other people's opinions, decisions and lives. You allow yourself to be affected by other people way too much. Wake up. Look at yourself. Take care of yourself. When someone who isn't you makes a mistake and you catch yourself judging them, then stop thinking about it and do something else. Why? You're putting your mood at other people's hands, it is your choice to do this and you've been doing this repeatedly. Did you ever get to reading the self esteem book? Nobody's coming to the rescue, BooksandTrees. You're the only one responsible for how deeply you're allowing everyone around you to affect you, get the Mind over mood book and work on your belief system. Your journal entries read misanthropic, because you project all the ways in which you're upset with yourself on other people. You're not ready to date. You need to find the path of self acceptance and self care first, or you're going to get into some sort of abusive relationship. If you tell yourself you're confident and such, you're lying to yourself, cause you're putting yourself last from what you write here. This should be your priority, getting yourself better. Close your eyes when it comes to anyone else. Work only on you, care only about you, this is your only duty right now. You don't need to give your time to your mom or your colleagues or anyone else, if you don't want to. You're responsible for repeatedly giving your time away. So if by reading this I've made you angry, go away and be angry for a while. But once you're chill again, ask yourself how your recent weeks' choices have helped you in any way. If not, then stop repeating mistakes. Bounce, don't break when an error takes you down. The resources have always been available to you, use them to make you better and forget everyone else. If you're focusing on anything else after all, you're just like every other person you see stuck in their ways and hate on. Makes sense huh? Live YOUR life. It's the only task you've been given.
  13. Planning to spend some time with a friend, catch up with my work load and pick up a book that I haven't had the time to touch since last weekend. Maybe watch a movie with family too.
  14. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    Day 109. Gaming was a crutch, I'm pretty sure by now. It kept me from dealing with things, and I'm now facing these things, fears and situations I might have not been able to deal with when I was younger. I am rediscovering myself, diving into waters that sometimes feel deep. But it's for the best, I know. Some days I'm afraid, others I'm on top of the world. Every day makes me stronger though, cause I'm sticking with the fight and not fleeing any longer. This is bravery, being afraid yet moving on. Every one of us here is brave for doing this. My life is slowly changing, drastically, and it's scary. But there's no stopping this. I'm not going back to gaming.
  15. fawn_xoxo

    Every day is a new day

    This approach works much better indeed, the habits we need to establish day to day and not the big fat goal that will only come some months or years from now. Neither am I as active in writing here but I read still. It's good to see you check in though!
  16. fawn_xoxo

    Zeke Journel Round 2

    Maybe in three years or five you'll be ready, but no one has ever been ready after a few months, set aside three weeks. Play it safe, is my suggestion.
  17. fawn_xoxo

    mattso's late journal

    It does in more than one ways, but if you want, check out articles and free available online worksheets online before that if you want.
  18. fawn_xoxo

    Shine Magical's journal

    Good job getting back up and trying again! Don't give up, it gets better with every new lesson from slip ups.
  19. fawn_xoxo

    Zeke Journel Round 2

    You are not alone in this struggle. I have put up walls and pretended I was tough and without emotions to avoid getting hurt in the past. I am still working on this, I'm in a better place than two years ago but not as self confident as I'd like to be. I struggle with needing people's approval to accept my own actions and this needs to be fixed, else I am forever dependent on my loved ones in an unhealthy way. The other day I was reading about how this might have to do with childhood, maybe look into the three attachments styles, secure, anxious and avoidant, it might help.
  20. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    Day 106. Nowadays I have to check to find out how many days I've been clean. 106 it is. I don't think I've gone this long ever before. It's good. I want to live a fulfilling life, not just exist. I am never going back. I look inwards a lot, every day, multiple times a day. Some people say it's good, some people say the opposite. I am confused on why I do it and whether it's offering me anything. When I started this, I tried my best to replace the free time with specific activities, and I don't regret it, it helped. Gradually my brain shifted and I decided to take up education again. I will not give up on that. After I started going to college and spending more time outdoors, I found myself having better moods, even if doing my duties towards college or work feel good and boring both, depending on the situation and time of the day. I feel a lot, I mentioned this previously, and I find myself concerned about it. Is there something wrong with me? Why do my emotions change through the day so easily? Then I say, well emotions come and go, that's just reactions to the events of your life. It's hard, recovery is a work in progress. I think I'm mentally stuck in wanting perfection from myself, maybe? I catch myself feeling unsatisfied with not feeling good about everything in my life all the time. I know it's an impossible standard, isn't it? And then I wonder how did the careless naive happy go lucky teenager me go? Why can't I just enjoy the plenty of things that are great in my life? I wonder, is this a result of gaming for so many years and considering myself problematic? How do I fix it? Will it just go away on its own maybe? Do I need to do something else to correct it? I read on the oriental way of resolving issues through time recently. So instead of trying to find the answers right here right now, I'll just let the thoughts linger in the fridge of my mind for a while, while I continue with the routines I've created so far. Weekdays are tiring these days, but I'm satisfied with this, more walking, more social life, more moments. I sleep so well lately, I do nothing on the computer at all for 3 hours before bedtime, except watch a soap opera sometimes when my day doesn't allow me to watch it when it is on TV. Maybe I should do the gratefulness thing? I don't know. But I've fought so well so far, I need not despair. I just needed to untangle my thoughts here. I wonder if staying in touch with the forums reminds me of my addict identity and indirectly reminding me I need to fix my life cause I'm a recovering addict. I am not sure if it's affecting me in a bad way, but if I disappear for a while this will be why, to try and see if forgetting about the addiction will benefit me.
  21. fawn_xoxo

    Zeke Journel Round 2

    Being a gaming addict made me feel worthless. A negative style of thinking is often the result of having low self esteem, and you can change the low self esteem. How? Not by just telling nice things to yourself in the mirror, imho. You can start to evaluate each negative phrase you tell yourself, weigh whether it's true or false, and then if you truly have a flaw that you don't like, decide how you will change your behavior to become better. Take a look at the books in my signature, they really helped me with this. Don't expect a drastic change in 1 day though ; you've been saying nasty things to yourself for a long time, you need some time to show yourself these are lies or that you can be better than that. Remember no matter who you are today, that's the result of your past choices. Your present will define who you will be tomorrow.
  22. fawn_xoxo

    mattso's late journal

    Do look up Cognitive distortions and read up on that, it sounds like you could benefit from it. It's something most of us develop in this society and we need to consciously go and fix it.
  23. fawn_xoxo

    Begin again

    I think a productive way to look at this is, ask yourself, if you could go back and react differently while still being honest with yourself but also respectful of others, how would you behave in the scenario? What would you say to express your desire, while not including an offensive vibe towards others?
  24. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    It is good to read you plan the change like this. It's hard, I know it, but we have to change things and try things to figure out who we are once this big gaming "trait" is removed from the equation of our personality balance. Some things will stick and others won't and that's alright, we lost some time and are experiencing "young adult experimentations" some years later, at least we are doing it now and not wasting more time online and off-life. When the day sucks, accept your emotions, stop fighting them. They come and go, like the waves of the ocean on the beach, and you don't control them. You control your beliefs, which filter your life and give you these emotions as a result; if you think your beliefs are wrong, work on that, if not just accept that your situation will suck for a while and do as well as you can with the free time you have now. Remember that you're waiting it out for a better life and it won't last forever. You are trying to make things better, don't forget this, or how long you've been without the crutch of gaming.
  25. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    If your job is as bad for your mental health as it seems in this journal, for one more time I'll say change it. You've been writing about how frustrated you are with it for a long time, and it is saddening me to see you linger in the situation. This is just my opinion but aren't we here to do things differently than we've been doing them so far while we gamed? Are you doing life differently now than before, or are you lingering, maybe uncertain to take any direction? I wish you to find some path, any path, and try it to see if it will give you different results. And then, another thing to consider is whether you're just dissatisfied with everything because you're used to it and, like Madame Bovary, are waiting for something else to come and make you happy, which will never happen cause happiness doesn't work like that. It's a way to look at the world, a mindset of seeing the good things we have in life and recognizing not everyone has them, all the while trying to be better still every day.
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