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fawn_xoxo

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About fawn_xoxo

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  1. Day 280.   No games for 280 days, day 104 +previous total of 176. It's been a few weeks I've been thinking of updating you guys. Leaving this journal aside was a good choice and it has helped me. What has also done the most for me is to focus on doing things that are positive, because I feel like this journal has been one of many crutches I used to linger on the problem, and my problematic identity, and all around mourning and feeling sorry for myself. I am getting better at recognizing these tendencies in me with every passing week,
  2. Day 243.   No games for 214 days, day 38 +previous total of 176. I am taking a little break from online journaling just like I did earlier in spring with my negativity detox. I'll try it again and won't be here cause it might just be a habit of mine to remind myself of how broken I am as a person, a trigger of sorts. Best of wishes to everyone who's following my journal, I'll be back. Thanks for everything so far. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Instead of seeing flaws
  3. Thank you so much @Sarma for reading. How would you suggest I went on a trip? Alone? With family (even though those partially trigger negative events that make me thoughtful to say the least)? Why do you say I'm too strict on myself? I would also like to hear more about this opinion you gathered.
  4. fawn_xoxo

    Journal

    Hey, good job on not gaming! What do your days look like now? Boredom with laziness might potentially push you closer to a relapse purely out of a lowered guard and habit. It's still early and there's usually some way to go still.
  5. Day 242.   No games for 213 days, day 37 +previous total of 176. I started the day with phobias, stress and anxiety. Then I used the Socratic method in private to figure out what I feel and fear and where the truth is. I needed this and I'm doing good now after that. It's sadly obvious to me that I have not been using logic much, that's why I suffer from negative emotions about myself. I find things to be dissatisfied with, in myself and others, but I don't test them against reality and logic. So this is something I need to do asap w
  6. It's a precious answer exactly because you're offering your honest opinion and your experience with it. Thank you for sharing, this was enlightening, especially because most people in the real world seem to think PMO has no consequences and you shared what you see changing within you after abstaining from it. ?
  7. @BrassWolf Thank you so much for reading, for responding. Also thank you for the beliefs you have in fixing things and making them work. I am going to follow this with a long post about my conclusions after today, but I'll edit it after I brb rq. Just wanted to post something and start, not postpone it. After some good talks and a lot of tears I concluded to some not very good things about me. There are things that I take personally when there is no reason for me to. There are people I have too high demands from when I have not done the same for them. I have not shown empathy or regard fo
  8. Day 241.   No games for 212 days, day 36 +previous total of 176. I am different. Family comes over and I change. I want to please everyone and I become a person without will, without spark. It's even obvious from my writing. I feel concerned. I don't want to lose anyone, but it feels like I need to put distance between them and me for me to be me. Their presence acts like a magnet, but I become dependent and really not me. And I notice it too, which I didn't when I gamed. I'm not happy to realize these personal issues of mine to
  9. Day 240.   No games for 211 days, day 35 +previous total of 176. I definitely feel dependent on people. The moment I am uncertain about what they feel around me, I start feeling very insecure about myself. Have I done something wrong? Have I upset them? Why are they behaving like this right now? I am writing it down as a reminder, a way to tell myself seriously that this is part of my problematic attachment issues with some loved ones. I might be fine, carefree, happy and content in the moment, then I see someone else change mood and I
  10. I absolutely understand what you're saying about starting a hobby with great interest but going about it too fast and then burning out as I call it. Smaller challenges and also recognizing progress in comparison to a few weeks ago is the way to go imho. I would love to be of help when it comes to conversations, though I don't have a book to suggest as of yet. I admit I haven't understood what you would like to get better at exactly, but if you could explain with some examples I might be able to offer some suggestions!
  11. I think it's absolutely fine to detox from social life for a while if you feel this way. I have found that boundaries and balance take a while to be achieved but they can be achieved through practice. The book about self esteem in my signature has a lot of good things about caring for ourselves while respecting others, which helped me a lot and still does. We do need to practice these things in order to get the results we want though, so when you feel a little more ready, I suggest you use that book as a guide of balance between being good to you and to others both and trying to socialize with
  12. First of all well done! And good job on taking up a second challenge for self growth. Secondly I wanted to share with you that I believe we all go through this phase of realizing that we have all these emotions. And it wrecks us, going from numb to.. well, human, tbh. It has this effect on us all. You're not alone. My experience has been that it gets better the more you come in contact with the emotions, try out ways of handling them, and just .. basically "raise the skill" by practicing with them more and more through time.
  13. Just wanted to say well done man! It's inspiring to see how you've been consistent. We can't be perfect, nobody is, but imho your mindset about moving on from some imperfect choices is what brings a person closer to their goals. NoFap 22 days! Would you care to share your experience with libido, triggers and how you've managed so far, compared to how you viewed it and dealt with it before? If it's too personal that's no problem!
  14. Day 239.   No games for 210 days, day 34 +previous total of 176. It's late after Saturday night. It's been a day full of socialization, and I'm really happy about that. I find limits in myself, I find my boundaries. I've been going out with mostly childhood friends, and it's been good. I've been feeling more and more like that old self who is the life of the group and includes everyone and makes everyone feel comfortable hopefully. I've been having to deal with phobias and negative self talk because I am giving up my isolation and the
  15. I just want to share with you that I've been in dark places and at times I felt desperate for a solution too. Many times. I urge you to not stop, to seek help with the doctor or counselor you have found and also try to help yourself if you think it could work for you. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great someone in my personal opinion, it's not a miracle, you need to work on it but it gives results when you put in the time. I've felt hopeless and I'm grateful that I didn't stop this detox process, because in the long run it gave me pieces of my life and self back. I believe the same w