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About fawn_xoxo

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  1. Day 201. Days without games: 175/201. No caffeine: Day 3No sweets: Day 1Will I play today? Yes, 4 hours. Yesterday I succeeded in not playing games, but I did check in with my online gamer friends late in the day. I felt the urge to do so the moment I was home, alone, with nothing else to do. But I also felt bad for having that urge. Why does it feel bad ? It does. I feel guilty for having that urge. I'll write more tomorrow
  2. Situations like these are really difficult and no words can do anything, I think. But I'll tell you this, you are being extremely brave for sticking to your goals through this, really brave. Good job.
  3. Day 200. Days without games: 175/200. No caffeine: Day 2No sweets: Day 2Will I play today? No. Today I will not play games. Today I'll also not allow myself to satisfy any urges for online socialization. Yesterday was hard for me, wanting to eat something sweet but saying no to myself, getting up to get something sweet but sitting back down with just a glass of water instead.. But I didn't eat sweets and this will be day 2 now because of that choice. I can't understand the reasons behind my urges to constantly check whether my gamer friends are online and wanting to escape my routines just to chat. Or rather, I'm a bit confused regarding this matter. I have put gaming into a certain frame and I keep it in there, a couple of hours when I play, that's it. But having not put the socializing online into a frame, and I think I'm indirectly getting gaming "puffs" via talking with gamer friends, I think that I'm just extending my contact with games like this. And if I talk to multiple people through out the day about games, then when am I really focused to my tasks? My brain is probably getting a fix like this, indirectly. But I don't want to spend my days being distracted by games and so today I'll stay away from anything gaming related. After getting a good long fix during the weekend, today will be hard, but it's fine. I want to identify as someone who lives life and doesn't depend on gaming to be happy. But with that said, I don't blame myself for being like this. I think I require more social interaction in my tasks and that I dislike being alone. I used to have a really big circle of acquaintances but they weren't real friends and I don't care for fake friends at this age. I'm just trying to find what works best for me right now, still.
  4. Day 199. Days without games: 175/199 No caffeine: Day 1No sweets: Day 1Will I play today? Yes, 2 hours. I spent the weekend with my loved ones and there were many nice moments but I also gave in to caffeine and sweets. I also played both days, Saturday it was an unregulated situation afternoon onwards and Sunday it was like one hour here and there, something like that. I'm writing these down to process them and understand what I did wrong and why. Caffeine on Saturday disrupted my sleep schedule and sweets on both days were eaten without consideration for the consequences. That's me going "Live a little" in the moment, but today that's Monday I feel like a couple of "live a little" days focused on pleasures only set me up to want more! And I'll tell myself it's okay to want more of those high reward for nothing activities, it's in our DNA to want to go after that sugar and dopamine but... I'm not a caveman so I'll not behave this way. Today I'll not drink caffeine and I'll not eat sweets. Gaming. After I gamed without schedule on Saturday, on Sunday I felt this familiar urge to game only with the people I know can help me win. It feels like a dependency, really only wanting some friends to be online so we can do that stuff. It's like being selective, and it came after Saturday's "splurge", it's no coincidence. This dependency makes me feel like a loser and like an addict because just gaming feels not enough at such a time. It's nothing I have seen from other people explicitly expressed but do tell me guys if you've felt this way too or something similar, being very specific about how to game. Writing things down is so beneficial to me I've found, because it's admitting to myself what I've done, good or bad, and makes it impossible to just let things slip through the cracks. It makes it easier to evaluate if some things were a good or a bad choice and it makes me commit to not redoing those which obviously had consequences I didn't like. And writing makes me think about consequences and relationships of cause and effect. I have a great time when I am doing physical tasks that force me to be in the present. I don't go for those on my own however, I only do what's needed. When I'm mindful and in the present moment, focused at what I'm doing, I don't get urges to escape. But not all things can keep me focused like this and I'm exploring those differences currently. Through time , through hardship, through tears and shame and guilt and regret, I've managed to feel much more satisfied with my life. During the last couple of months, excluding the weeks I got anxious by getting triggered, I've been feeling more carefree and happy with what I have, earned or not. I'm finding my old happy go lucky self, gradually. I'm practicing acceptance of my flaws, not denial and fighting them. I'm not going to bash myself for the weekend, but I will make sure to be better organized and keep things in their proper frames. I need to revisit my hobbies and do more things away from a screen, but like actually do them since I know it helps me be a better me. Should I celebrate 200 days tomorrow in some way?? Hmm
  5. I think it all depends on this: Do you want to feel better and do better? Do you think you have an issue or is your life good just like it is?
  6. You do need a plan, but you also need to realize you're still be early in this, you caught the addiction at an early stage and you can do so much because of that. At first we all feel lost, and now after almost 200 days and 175 gaming free I will tell you I'm still lost in ways, it's just I've accepted this is how things will be. We can't discover ourselves in a month, but we can try things we think we might enjoy, for a month. This will give us the knowledge of whether we do enjoy that or not. So my suggestion is, plan of things to try this summer. Try, and fail, cause failure is how we get smarter in our attempts. I have also been lazy, but the good thing is we're not defined by how we were, but by how we act in the present moment. And being hard working isn't pleasant in the present, but when you're done with a day of hard work you get this satisfaction and that's how you get nice things in life, by choosing to do the unpleasant ones first. It's all in your hands, you're young and you got a lot of time to "fail". So do it!
  7. Day 196. Days without games: 175/196 No caffeine: Day 3No sweets: Day 4Will I play today? Nooooope. I went to bed before midnight yesterday and I woke up without alarm after 7 hours. It felt right, I don't feel tired, so if it's 7 I need right now so be it! I'm still in bed though, being a little lazy. Rant: I logged on to chat a bit but instead got some messages from someone weird. This reminds me how toxic the community can be and how many people with serious issues are hiding behind screens. I don't want to be around this person cause just reading their opinions makes me negative, rolling my eyes and wanting them to just disappear from my online life because they are so selfish and want everyone to appease them. They have no idea of boundaries and they want everyone else to do things that benefit them, or they throw tantrums. I really want no contact with the person and I don't contact them myself. With that said, I can see how my urges are more like I want to be the class clown and make people laugh and I want to have fun socially, I don't like being alone for so long. But if I go outside then what will I get that won't have caffeine or sugar? So hard.
  8. Just want to share with you that I have had to deal with morning depression too and the mistake I did was counting on it feelings. If I'm feeling bad, something is wrong with me, and then I'd linger in that state of mind which was not the right approach. The right approach is what you said, we accept we have bad feelings but we make a choice to do some activity. It can actually change our feelings, whereas just staying static has zero chance to do that.
  9. You're half way in your detox almost, good job! Regarding your meals, can you plan them in advance? With everything I like to indulge in, planning is the only thing that can save me. Taking the time to consider beforehand and "force my hand" by having the right choice ready when the time comes.
  10. That's because you are in this phase that you are aware of where you are, skill wise, and you are also aware of where you want to go. To say you're not good enough is firstly vague and we should be specific when we tell ourselves things, especially bad things. Good enough.. for what? For a job? Maybe you are not up to par with those artists you admire yet. Yet. But are you better than 2 weeks ago? Because we have to be realistic and know that everyone who is at this point a leader in a field, once was a zero in that field. So remember that, and just try to find time to practice as much as you can, to earn time. If you are getting into challenging things and thus getting better learning from mistakes, you should at least tell yourself that side of the story too.
  11. Day 195.Days without games: 175/195 No caffeine: Day 2No sweets: Day 3Will I play today? Yes, 2 hours. I went to bed around midnight and set my technology aside. I read a book for ten minutes before I turned off my little light and went to sleep. I was tired and I focused on just not thinking anything at all. I focused on observing myself and refocusing on being in a mindful state without thinking anything and I fell asleep in what feels like a more natural manner. I woke up after six plus hours, but I'm not sure why. Was it my open door and my family walking around? It just so happened that I woke up at that moment. Or is it that I didn't need more sleep? I did sleep in yesterday. I don't feel like going back to sleep, but I stayed in bed for an hour so far. I guess I'm fixated on getting 8 hours, because I have it established in my mind that anything less is a problem coming from gaming. Turns out that right after that hour, I relaxed and fell asleep again till my alarm. I should practice relaxation and mindfulness more I guess, that's what's helped so far. Lying down and not thinking, that's how a normal person falls asleep I guess, and by having issues I've messed with the process. Today I intend to stay away from socializing online and just game, so that I may see what results I get on sleep, then I will abstain from both and observe what happens. So far it feels like gaming only 3 days per week has me more calm and at ease, though I'm having trouble staying away from the social aspect. So far so good, I intend to stay outdoors as much as possible today, where it's easier to not get urges to go online, cause I'm surrounded by people one way or another, real ones. Later on today: I did stay outdoors till the sun started to set and my urges to go online and socialize weren't half as bad as at home. They were like, ten? No urges to play really but it's more like I wanna do something fun while at the moment I'm going through some boring and tedious stuff. I did play 2 hours and then logged off. I feel so much better after yesterday and I have started feeling positive. What I've learned is, when you feel positive you have to continue doing what you did that made you feel this way, not feel confident and go into mistakes. That's why the 2 hours are staying as they are and I am trying to do more of outdoors activities. Also will look into mindfulness. I ate fruits today too, and mostly only ate when I needed to. No sweets, no fizzy drinks. So far so good, weight is dropping again.
  12. Day 194.Days without games: 175/194 No caffeine: Day 1No sweets: Day 2Did I play today? Yes, 2 hours as planned. I got up and wasn't rested. Then, because sleep has turned into a problem for me the last weeks, I was frustrated and focused on it too much. I couldn't sleep again. I kept at it though, I slept one hour or one hour and a half more at some point. That pushed my schedule a couple of hours further than intended, but I started working either way. I felt urges during the work hours, I felt like escaping what I am doing so that I can get online and chat with friends. I wasn't feeling the urge to game, I realized. A lot of my urges are connected to having feelings like tension and being wired. This got me thinking. And I remembered something JustTom said, about having to have 'extreme circumstances' to do well in life and I thought about it. When I was in school, my schedule was always full, because I had school in the morning and then in the afternoons I attended french and other languages classes, or was enrolled in some type of exercising hobby and such. This started around the age of 10 maximum, until then I used to do my homework right after coming home from school and then watch tv for the rest of the day till bedtime. When it was like 9 or 10 I would pick up a book (novels) and read, falling asleep while at it. When I went to college, I didn't have a schedule like that, my afternoons were all for myself and I gamed most of them till the night and then overnight too. I had no one waiting for me to achieve and on the contrary, college was bad cause professors really hated us, or so it felt for soft me back then. They were cruel, in my eyes, I wasn't enjoying it. I wasn't motivated by them, and the subject was new to me, but it wasn't stimulating. It wasn't exciting. And the situation all in all wasn't fun at all. I wasn't getting rewarded for doing homework and stuff, like in school. I wasn't special, nobody cared. But I achieved so much so smoothly in school / high school when I was socially rewarded for it. I realize that nowadays, after opening the door to gaming again I am always looking to distract myself. It's not always though, I also realize. It might be that my work (from a computer, 0 social side to it) doesn't offer me the stimuli I need. My biggest urges come not when I am working outside of the house, or with people. They don't come when I am walking and looking around my environment. I find myself having the strongest urges when I am at home, working on something that I don't like (and I have a very low tolerance for boredom sadly), and I have noticed it's not exactly the urge to game but more so to engage in the social aspect, of joking around or just talking with other gamers about the game (since that's our common ground). I am searching for an escape from my boring situation of the moment, that's what I am noticing. And somehow this makes me feel better than the previous days, because all the previous days that I felt the urges to escape my work (which I didn't do before, when online socialization wasn't an option cause I had games under ban) I compared to working without urges and I felt horrible. I felt, what the heck is wrong with me horrible, and it affected my ability to relax enough to fall asleep even. Today I didn't consume any refined sugars, I ate fruits and I didn't drink anything with caffeine in it. I did this mostly to help myself with the pent up energy and this tension and feeling wired. Now it's late at night and near my bedtime and I feel relaxed. I gamed for a couple of hours, as I had told myself I'd try to do since yesterday. I don't want to jeopardize my mood, but I'm still searching for the balance in all this. It could be the coffee, it could be the sugar, it could be my computer-based work and other duties I do via computer that don't help me release my energy and it turns into negative thinking, anxiety I'll mess up and other things. But right now, as I write this, I feel satisfied with myself and at peace with what I did today. It wasn't perfect, but it was good. I did get that extra sleep, I did stay away from sugar and caffeine as I yesterday decided to, and I did game but I don't feel the urge to game now that I've logged off the game. I don't feel the urge to socialize further either. Yesterday as I was lying in bed trying to sleep, I thought that I need to define the identity I want for myself. It might have been hard on me, trying to re-include gaming in my life, but I think what it's taught me so far is that even though I was doing the things I should be doing all these months and weeks prior, I had not established who I want to be. I didn't have defined things that resonate with me that I want to have in my every day life that will make me happy, and that's why I have urges to do this one other thing that I have seen can make me happy in the past (gaming). And so I began asking myself what are things I'd like to be, that would resonate with my values? So far I've thought of a few things. One thing I'd like is to identify as a healthy person with a fit body, capable of carrying weights for household chores and grocery shopping, capable of exploring places without getting tired and out of breath, capable of good posture. Another thing I'd like to identify as is an artist. I love artistic anything, and I am good at a lot of things art related. I am not skilled at a lot of things, but I know I have it in me, the tendency and the preference, which would make learning more in that field an easier thing. So far those are things that I could put in my schedule to make it fuller with things I care about and things that will keep me mentally participating in them when I do them. I think my urges come from having an otherwise unfitting lifestyle for myself, a lifestyle I know I adopted because of gaming and has stuck with me for all these years. So, I'd better become serious about trying new things again, force myself into some exercise situations and artistic situations, so that I may become passionate about something. I like being driven by intense emotions and passions. It makes me feel right and alive. For some reason I feel good now and I am gonna enjoy it while it lasts. Maybe it's also the reason and logic questioning I did yesterday that helped me, too. 😊
  13. Welcome to the forums! Don't worry about English, just write as you did, you're doing great. Stay focused.
  14. Day 193. I'm giving tracking here another go. Not sure what else I'll add but here goes. Days without games: 175/193 No sweets: Day 1 Did I play today? No I am feeling better already just with the decision I took. It might be the 'motivational high' of the start, but I at least feel good now. Looking back at my day, and other days that I had intense urges to game, they are blurry in my mind (except for the gaming) and I can't help but draw a parallel between my behavior and horniness. When someone is too horny and can't take their mind off sex, they might spend their day thinking about it, they might change their usual behavior so that they can get an many chances for sex as possible, might change plans in their day so that they can get a little dopamine hit, right? When in that state, maybe nothing else matters and it's urgent to the person, they really want to do the things they're thinking about. And it seems so similar a state of mind to the one of me as an addict or unhealthy gamer, if you replace the subject. Only in my case there's no natural mechanism in place to regulate it, it seems I can't have enough gaming. This is just a thought of mine, seemed funny to me. Thought to be questioned: My life is a mess and I'm out of control  What is the evidence for this thought? Irregular, little sleep since I gamed again, my emotions are all over the place, I'm anxious and stressed What is the evidence against this thought? I am doing the work I have assigned to myself per day mostly accurately (more or less I finish what I'm supposed to finish) Am I basing this thought on facts, or feelings? I am basing this thought on both. The times I went to bed are facts, and how long I slept is also a fact. But it's also my shame and anxiety that supports the thought. Is this thought black and white, when reality is more complicated? Yes. Could I be misinterpreting the evidence? Not in the specific scenario, I actually made some wrong calls about timing my gaming Am I making any assumptions? I'm assuming this is my eternal, broken state. But only a couple of weeks ago I was feeling completely different is the truth. Might other people have different interpretations of the same situation? If so, what are they? My loved ones tell me that they see me do my duties like I did before, and that it's not so dramatic, what compromises I made in order to play. Am I looking at all the evidence, or just what supports my thought? All the evidence. Could my thought be an exaggeration of what is true? Me being a loser is an exaggeration of having made some bad choices. The choices were bad for me, but they don't enclose my whole being in them. And I can choose to do differently at any point. Am I having this thought out of habit, or do the facts support it? It's ingrained in me because of how poorly I dealt with this hobby and the personal consequences I had to deal with because of it. I'm traumatized and scared by my own past, immature decisions. Did someone pass this thought or belief to me? If so, are they a reliable source? I did because I felt horrible about how I wasted my time (and more bad things) and so I attached these things to my identity as a way to.. I guess.. keep me from doing the same mistakes again..? Is my thought a likely scenario, or is it the worst casescenario? It's happened before, to be consumed by games and have no life. So it's possible but I won't let it happen. So it's not likely, and it's surely my worst nightmare to waste my life behind a computer screen.
  15. May I ask, how much does it bother you that she is like this, and does it effect you and your relationship expectations in some way?
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