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Looking for someone from the UK: Details


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About fawn_xoxo

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  1. fawn_xoxo

    Every day is a new day

    Last time I relapsed was because I missed the people. I went back "for my friends" and I really don't wish this for you, Silver. I am making efforts to reconnect with acquaintances myself, it's harder the older we get, the farther away we are from environments like a college etc. But for some reason, as I dare to get out of my comfort zone, attending some odd events for older people, I still met one woman at my age and then hung out another day as it turns out we had a lot in common. I am not saying every time you go to some event this will be it, but the more social events you attend the higher the chance is to meet someone who can be your friend later on. And there's another thing I noticed with me, I don't know if it will be of any use to you but.. I realized that all the other times I tried hanging out with old friends and such, I was bored with them and found them boring only for one reason: I only cared about the computer. I was trying to get away and give real life a chance but I wasn't ready and committed to it. Now, I went out with the same woman I had hung out years ago and had a good time, wasn't bored at all and talked without awkwardness. Either way, I'm sending you my best inspiring vibes. Don't go back to those people. < 3
  2. fawn_xoxo

    Call me Ishmael

    You are not alone, welcome to the forums. I started this thinking moderation can work for me. I ended up going cold turkey a few weeks later cause it was a half measure. Don't give up no matter which way you choose, always get back up and keep on moving.
  3. fawn_xoxo

    Sometimes ambivalence, sometimes conviction.

    Imho this is absolutely fine to share. I think you and your partner could benefit greatly from discussing about the infrequent intimacy, and although it is a hard pill to swallow, a lot of times PMO is what gets in the way. Does your partner know of your struggles in this area? Women often suffer in silence when they know you're watching other women and getting satisfaction from the process, comparing themselves to the stars of those clips and always ending up thinking they're worthless. It can destroy the self esteem and confidence of a person and ruin the sex drive. Take a look at r/loveafterporn for context. What is stopping you guys from setting some time aside each week to be relaxed and talk and maybe have sex?
  4. fawn_xoxo

    Ninety Days Worth the Pain

    You're crushing it, Lea. Well done! Never give up.
  5. fawn_xoxo

    Daily Journal - Rick

    I struggled with self esteem unknowingly for a lot of time, and for the longest I would always take other people's opinions as better than mine. I would try to be like them and hoped that this would make me likable. It worked, for literally a few hours or days. Do you know who ended up not liking me at all? Myself. I was betraying my values and beliefs and opinions, and the result was self doubt and feeling like I'm a worthless person. The book about self esteem in my signature gave me good understanding of where to draw the line between me and other people without being disrespectful or aggressive, it taught me the proper boundaries so to speak. I believe it will help you too, if you need assistance with the process.
  6. fawn_xoxo

    My journey

    It makes absolute sense, yes. As far as I understand it so, the issues are the following: you are heavily affected by the relationship-centric environment/age you're in (aka peer pressure even if they don't do it with bad intentions), you are looking at relationships like a part of life that you are required to excell at in order to be a complete person (and this makes you anxious towards making any dating situation work) and your past experiences cling to your head and make you think pessimistic like about yourself in the present and future. All in all, I think you would benefit greatly from practicing the behaviors that reinforce our self esteem, you can read the book properly (it's in my signature) but I'll tell you that firstly finding out our personal values and beliefs and secondly focusing on satisfying these and not those pushed to us from other people, can really shift how we feel. It's hard to walk your own path, most people want you to be more like them and they'll try to change you. It's also a little lonely if you're surrounded by people who don't understand diversity of opinion and lifestyle, like if you're only hanging out with people of one political idea or only married people etc. But it's more empowering to stand up for ourselves in those discussions, maybe deflect those indirect expectations with some humor, and be not accepting of whatever people are trying to ask of us. I have personally struggled with self esteem in that I wanted those close people to me to like me, right? I was however disregarding my opinions, my values, as I was trying to be more like them. And that made me very unhappy, and even though people around me told me I was a nice person etc, I didn't believe them. I didn't believe it because what I was trying to behave like wasn't satisfying me, and we can't trick ourselves to like ourselves if we're not being true to what we need and desire and believe. At the end of the day, although having a significant other is a nice addition to like, it isn't a necessity. It's always better to get our life together first, work on our distorted beliefs or behaviors first, before risking becoming dependent on someone else's approval as it often turns out to happen in many relationships. I would advise you to look into cognitive distortions, there are some worksheets available around the internet for free, through which you can really see how your opinions about yourself, that self talk we all do inside our heads, is often plain wrong and surreal. Then you can work on replacing that with realistic perception, which will in turn change the way you feel about situations and hopefully lower your anxiety about them. It worked for me and I now have the worksheet imprinted on memory to ask myself such questions when I find myself speaking down to me.
  7. fawn_xoxo

    Dear Diary...

    It appears like your work is doing you great harm. Are you finally ready to give it up maybe? I don't know anything else to suggest, this appears quite obvious to me but at the same time you don't seem like you want to do the big move from working there to not working there. The choice is in your hands, it's always been, and right now, every day, you're choosing this reality. You don't need to move states to change jobs, and I wouldn't recommend it especially right now that you are so emotionally vulnerable and lost, you have a support system in Massachusetts, you have nothing like that somewhere else. Why do you stay in this routine that causes you harm? This job appears like an abusive partner. Why are you giving it more time?
  8. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    No, I don't like working with other people on things, that's why I do it on my own. Total weight lost since I started is 13lbs so far, once I lose 3 more my BMI will be in normal range, but I will go much lower with time. I have considered getting a second job but it's not worth it, pros and cons.
  9. fawn_xoxo

    Daily Journal - Rick

    You can ask yourself. What do you think is the right thing for you to do? Don't listen to the addict, listen to the ideal you, the future, happy and fulfilled version of yourself. Would he agree with playing in moderation? A lot of people will give you an opinion based on their standards. Maybe these people aren't gaming addicts and they think you aren't either. But you hold the true answer inside you. Ask yourself.
  10. fawn_xoxo

    Just venting

    Hello Philipp, I hope you're feeling better after a few days. I want to underline that it's normal for things to be awkward when you start something new. It's normal for you to even suck at something, if you want to use that word, whatever that is, when it's something you don't already know. When we were babies we fell down numerous times as we tried to walk, but we only learned to walk through this process of stumbling and falling down aka 'repeated failure'. Since you do art, you might have heard that famous quote by someone important, that everyone has 10,000 bad drawings in them, so we have to get them out of our system first before the good drawings will come out. Well, it's the same with any other activity, dating and friends too. Regarding your home situation, I'd suggest you write down pros and cons to figure out if, for you, the good stuff outweigh the bad stuff. Only go to your home if it's a net positive, I'd say.
  11. fawn_xoxo

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    Day 2 sugar free, day 57 of no games. As I like to do, I've observed myself the past week and I noticed a few things. Something I didn't mention is that seven days ago, the Sunday I wrote the post before my previous one, I went out of the house on my own. I went and did a little shopping and a tiny walk. After that, I stayed indoors till Wednesday, which is when I went out with loved ones. I am quite positive that if I hadn't left the house on Sunday, I'd not have done my work as I did the following days, I'd not have had the same mood. I look back at my teenage years and I remember that when Saturdays came and for one reason or the other my friends couldn't hang out, I would be really irritated that I didn't get to go out. From all these, my current conclusion is I'm a person who needs sensory novelty to keep my sanity, walks outside, and a few other things I'll cover next. In my efforts to reconnect with old friends, I got in touch with three people, only one of them in my town sadly. I knew that my behavior towards them was different than in the past. This one person from my town that I spoke to these days, is the same person I thought was boring last time I was trying to go out and be social. What changed? I did, it's obvious to me that I am the one who was not wanting to open that door to people back then, I wasn't in the right state of mind yet. Now I observed that I was more friendly and chill with the person. I also managed to find a friend of mine on Facebook, a friend I haven't spoken to in 11 years, since high school. I found the person, unsure if it's who I'm looking for, but it turned out to be them. We spoke like not one day has passed, they even explained to me they, at that teenage age, had distanced themselves from me for a reason, and apologized to me for that. It was surprisingly honest and it only strengthened my respect and liking for the person. I was so happy that day when my friend and I spoke, and we arranged to meet up when they return to the hometown. Now what does this experience tell me? It tells me that I do need friends, I do need human contact in the real world, and that it makes me happy when it's good. And although I felt awkward initiating some messaging, it went away. I used to be a very popular person with numerous acquaintances, and I used to have pretty meaningful relationships with some of them. I might not be fit to spend more time alone drawing, not right now at least. I don't push it, when I see myself interested in other things in my free time. I research health and diet information, or beauty products, or DIYs on how to fix some imperfections. I am a pretty vain person, as in I care about how I look and if I can find ways to harmlessly fix some imperfections or prevent more from appearing, I will. I am in the process of fixing my relationship with food, as I've been trying to for months now. With new information that I've learned about what starvation mode really is, I'm less concerned about meeting minimum calories when I already feel full with my meal. I am not where I want to be mentally yet, as I still cheat with unhealthy foods a couple times per week when they are available in our pantry, but I'm learning lessons from my mistakes. Still, the weight is dropping gradually and I see my face is slimmer than how it was in older photos, I'm happy about it and looking forward to seeing the fat burn off my body. I won't stop trying until I get where I want to be. I think that no games, healthy foods and dropping weight are a more than enough combination of challenges on their own, and that I shouldn't feel guilty I'm not doing art in my free time right now. What do you think, reader? Should I try harder?
  12. fawn_xoxo

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    This is normal, you know. Don't expect things to feel satisfactory right now, it's too early. Nothing will compare to the highs of gaming, and that's normal. When I started, I did my new hobbies like chores, and that's okay. It's better than gaming, no? If you read what happens to our brains with the constant stimulation from internet content, you will realize expecting things to feel good so soon is unrealistic. Stick with the chores so, and continue coming up with new hobbies to try. You won't feel like doing them if you're like me, and that's okay. It doesn't matter what you feel like doing at this point, the only thing that matters is that you slowly loosen the grip games and maybe internet content have on your brain and how it expects dopamine to come to it. A lot of people's brains stop producing dopamine at the same rate when people offer the brain free dopamine from outside sources all the time. That means when they take the sources away, people can even feel depressed until the brain starts producing more and more dopamine again. I have accepted this is something I caused myself, and I have accepted that I have to go through this process first in order to feel good afterwards. I am at around two months free from gaming and things still feel like chores from time to time. It's okay though, it's better than how it started. The more time passes, the more my brain will forget the games and adapt to my current lifestyle. I hope this realization won't discourage you, only inform you as to why you feel this way and that it's not that important in the long run when it comes to you getting your life together the way you want it to be. Time helps tremendously, your brain gets healed little by little. Atomic habits really helped me with this process too, I recommend it!
  13. fawn_xoxo

    90 days of Melancholic Banter

    Hello JPAO, well done so far! As a fellow addict, I'd really like to urge you to plan your day from the previous day and include, at first, at least one productive hobby or responsibility chore in. All my previous attempts in quitting games failed because I didn't replace my free time with anything, I only consumed content and was bored. I didn't make any effort to change my day, I was left with a big chunk of free time and games came back within a few weeks of misery. Be proactive, meditate on your desires for your life and self and put these desires down on paper in the form of daily tasks. Wish you all the best!
  14. fawn_xoxo

    Amir's daily Journal

    I'm jumping in, since I read you're into intellectual stuff, to share with you this. Do you really want to buy it and play it? Words are the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. I think you feel like buying it and playing it, but what you want to do is succeed in rebuilding yourself. And so because of that, no, you don't want to buy it and play it, you don't want it at all. Your addicted part of the brain is just urging you to, and it's a useful divide that, isn't it? We are who we behave like. Urges, feelings, they are a result of what we behaved like until now. Your ideals are who you are, to use your words. p.s. Having high long term goals is one and good thing, having high expectations of how fast you will get there works very reverse in some people, they burn out fast and get discouraged. I advise balance and realism, I've crashed and burned before. 😅
  15. fawn_xoxo


    That must have been really tough. Well done though. Some of us don't like to share we're abstaining from games for the flak we know we will receive if we do. It makes the process more painful, distances us from our addicted gamer friends even more and all in all doesn't achieve anything when you don't look for people to approve and support you through this hardship. Apart from sharing stories and struggles here, which for me is an alternative to meetings of addicts IRL, I don't think people can help me with the process very much, since it's all about our individual choices. And I know my gamer friends really won't ever help me get away from games, since their priorities are warped just like mine were in the past.