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0 days without gaming (almost 1)

I've been gaming all the way until yesterday. I got really stressed out last week because on Sunday I suddenly realised I have so much studying to do. So I moderated gaming a little bit and cought up with everything. Yesterday I've decided to delete the game I've been playing, because I don't need it anymore, because it's about time to get back to my normal life, the way it has been in October.

I've had two tests yesterday and one today, it was really stressful, motivated me to study. I returned from the last test an hour ago. Everyone was very scared of the test, but it wasn't that difficult. I kinda nailed all three tests, I expect B's at the very least. And now I feel almost free and I want to get back to gaming, and I regret deleting the game and all my progress yesterday.

The only thing that is still going on is that my research project is starting in the next few days and it's going to require quite a lot of attention, because it requires daily contact with 30 people for a week. I still have some preparations to do, so that's keeping me stressed out and kinda drives me away from gaming. But I expect once I'm finished with the preparations, all I'm going to need is one hour a day to text everyone, and otherwise I'll be free to waste my time for the next few weeks, because after that there are no stressful things until January.

I don't want to waste it, I know the best thing to do would be to start studying in advance, start going to all classes, fix my sleeping routine again (I had a great success with that in October, now it's all gone). But on the other hand all I want to do is waste as much time as possible.

I'm gonna change some of the habits in Habitica, get rid of no-porn tracking (because I keep failing as it's impossible), and focus more on positive habits. And I'll start all over the only way I know how.

Oh, now I'm not sure whether it's been one or two days ago. Luckily I have this time tracker I can use to check when was the last time I gamed.

5a0f359058340_lastweek.thumb.png.5436169fe89e9b8a2aef023ef154ae4c.png

Okay, these are my activities this week. The light blue is the game. So I'm currently almost one day clean, but as you can see there's been a kind of downwards trend.

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0 hours without gaming

Monday, 7am. On Saturday, on Sunday, and this entire night I've been playing the very same game I got rid of on Thursday.

It seems I have two choices:

  1. I can get up early every day and spend my time studying; feel quite okay about my life and feel very good about my studies; look forward to going to classes and not be bored at them; feel relaxed about all my assignments and tests; have a lot of time in the morning; slowly lose weight; feel proud of multiple small acheivements every day; be ahead of everyone in my group when it comes to studying assignments; be slightly terrified about my future most of the time
  2. I can go to sleep in the morning and curse myself for not going to sleep earlier; get out of bed at the very last moment before I have to go to classes; be bored at classes; be terribly stressed out with every assignment and project; do everything in the last moment; wait for the weekend all week and when the weekend ends feel tired because of all the things I percieve as chores; drop out of everything that isn't absolutely necessary in order to stay home as much time as possible; feel a bit sick most of the time because I'm only eating junnk food; be terrified of my future all the time and try to silence that feeling

 

On a slightly different note: I miss winter. It's almost here, I can already feel the smell of it sometimes. I don't know why, but I have a lot of nostalgia for the last winter, or the one before that.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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1 day without gaming

For the first time in quite a while I was able to get up at 8am even though there was no absolute need for me to do so. That's what I've been talking about when it comes to small achievements. Now I have the time to deal with every challenge I've been getting depressed about yesterday. I'm going to bring my room back to order before a good breakfast and then I'll start dealing with everything else, starting with the most stressful thing.

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0 days without gaming

It's 1:49am. I have work at 7:20, the idea was to get up at 5, but I can't sleep. So today I'm going to suffer.

Since the last post almost all of what I've been doing is gaming. The same game as before, because I always get huge cravings for it whenever I get rid of it. I've just deleted it again.

I bought a stationary bike so that I can do some exercise at home.

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3 hours ago, SuperSaiyanGod said:

0 days clean (amost 1)

All I want to do is get back to playing the very same game I got rid of yesterday.

It's only a feeling, and it shall pass if you allow it it's time to pass. Be strong! 

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0 days without gaming

At about 2am I started playing some game from my childhood. I finished it at about 7am and then went to sleep, and only got up now, 4:50pm. It's already dark, I've slept through the entire day.

I have absolutely no will to get up and start a day most of the time. I only do it when I have to.

I have a test tomorrow, but I haven't even touched my notes yet.

All I want is to get back to playing that game I quit two days ago.

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You're currently experiencing the inertia of the relapse. My sleep patterns are very weak and it's really easy for me to have insomnia during the night and spend it at the computer and then be exhausted at sunrise. So I get how hard it can be to keep the waking hours straight. Specially if you feel there's nothing for you to do. There is, and if there's not you can find it, but we tend to feel there's nothing when we don't have the habit of morning routine.

If I were you right now: You can check your notes but I'm not sure you'll able to make sense of it being the last day and tired. What you can do for sure is sleep tonight without gaming. You'll get bad sleep but the sleep pattern will be fixed slowly. It's a pain, but you'll have to put attention to the mornings. Break that cycle. You can will yourself to play knowing you'll feel bad afterwards, and you willed yourself to journal, yesterday and today. You can turn the tables. 

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Stationary bike is a good idea! I heard a lot of nasty comments from our visitors and how it's just a "clothes rack" and why did we buy it. For me it is one of the best things, great for cold and/or rainy weather and lazy Sundays. Anything to get you moving! Make the right choices as easy as possible. Maybe listen to a podcast, watch Cam on youtube while you are on it, virtual races can also be cool.

Stay strong, get back on track. You don't need this. It's hard as hell to restart!! But I think you can find the strength!

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1 day without gaming

Yesterday was clean (and very short). Right now I'm dancing around the idea of starting to play some game. I have two or three candidates. One of the things that pushes me toward it is that I have an unexpected free day tomorrow. Which means I have many, many hours and nothing to do.

Edit: Okay, I did 15 minutes at the bike. My intention is to take it slow, partly because of laziness, partly because I don't want to wreck my legs, and partly because I know it's going to grow on my if I keep doing it, just like it happened with running. I now weigh a little over 100kg and I've probably lost most or all of the gains I've made a year and a half ago. But if I continue exercising it's all going to come back.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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Unexpected free day: is there a chance of meeting someone, visiting a family member? Anything to get you away from games?

Great that you have broken your bike, keep riding!

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5 hours ago, Zala said:

Unexpected free day: is there a chance of meeting someone, visiting a family member? Anything to get you away from games?

Probably, but I don't want any of that. It's a free day which means I don't have to talk to anyone, which is a good thing.

2 days without gaming

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0 days without gaming

And I went to sleep at 5am and got up just now, at 15:45. But I don't feel bad about it.

Edit: I just learned I got a C+ from a test I had last Wednesday. That's horrible, that means I'm that much farther from the next scholarship. I just don't have any energy or motivation to study. I know that if I wasn't gaming, it would be much better, but I have trouble stopping. I don't really want to. I really hope the other four tests went well.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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0 days without gaming

I know it sucks. I know that I should stop, because gaming doesn't make sense at all. It screws up with every part of my life. But I really don't want to. And when I want to, I get very strong cravings and change my mind.

10 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

Does your computer usage activity tracker track it automatically or do you need to click a button that says you are about to do the activity so that it can track it?

Automatically, it's called RescueTime.

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0 days without gaming

I just got fucking angry. I was in my bed debating with myself whether I should sleap until 2pm or 3pm - neither option would prevent me from being tired for the rest of the day. This is all because of the fucking gaming. Never again do I want to be forced to get up at the very last hour, or to feel bad in the morning and know that I won't get enough sleep; or have a room full of garbage; or having to put off basic stuff for later; or having to feel bad about going to classes. From now on:

  1. Anything goes between 8am. and 10pm. - porn, tv, junk food, youtube -  except gaming - as long as it ends by 10pm.
  2. I get up at 8am every day

This should be enough to improve every single aspect my life by at least 9000%.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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1 day without gaming

I went to sleep shortly after 10pm. I slept alright until aroudn 3:30, after which I couldn't fall asleep. M for quite a long while, but then I still couldn't fall asleep, I started getting hungry and restless, so I've decided to get up. Now it's 6:50 and I'm about to start my day.

Fuck games. I'm not letting those fuckers ruing my life again. I'm still angry form yesterday, as I was falling asleep and then trying to fall asleep I got some images from a couple from games I've been playing / have been thinking of recently - I told them all to fuck off and that I'm not wasting even a thought on them.

Today is going to be tough, I feel really weird from the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's from hunger? Anyway, the plan is to start the day off right - a shower, good breakfast. Then I'll tidy up the room and go buy grocieries etc., and then I'll have the entire day free. My plan is to go to the library sometime after noon, and start preparing for a very hardcore boss-type test that I have in four weeks. Sometime during the night I booted up my computer to look up what grades people got from the test in previous groups, and requirements / question types that I should expect. It turns out out of 50 people there were only 2 A's, a few B+'s and a few B's. My goal is to get a 4.6 average this year (A is 5, F is 2) so that I can get another scholarship. Did I mention I got a scholarship for good grades? Anyway, I already got one C+, which is only worth 3,5, which is a major setback. Since then I've learned about two A's, but they are only fragmentary for now, and they still might get screwed up. So, my plan is to get 2 additional A's in order to solidify them. Besides, it would be awesome to get an A from this monster. I know pretty much exactly what questions there are going to be, which means if I prepare well enough, I can be 95% sure I get the A. Okay, I guess a B+ would still be acceptable, since (5+4,5)/2 might still count as 5. And then after this one I only have two exams, which are going to be quite big, but I'll have a full month to study for them (I'll start during the holidays of course), and also an essay, but that's simple - all I need to do to get an A is to craft it carefully enough.

Well, time to get to it.

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I'm reading this.

Quote

Life outside the game was at an all-time worst. I was out of shape, I didn’t have friends, and when I wasn’t failing tests or sleeping in class, I was faking sick and skipping school.

Yeah, that's pretty much me. Except I don't have to fake anything in order to skip school - for which my parents pay. And they don't know that I'm skipping classes or that I dropped out of previous college because I hadn't been studying. I'm also out of shape, currently weighing over 100kg. I remember when I was in school and 77 seemed like a lot.

Quote

My room was a mess. It didn’t matter. An empty pizza box was on the floor. I didn’t care. My homework wasn’t done. I could do that later. I was focused on the game and I had no worries. Besides losing, that is.

Well, I don't care much about losing, but my room is totally a mess. It matters a little bit, but I usually just don't care - another bag of chips doesn't make a difference to the mountain that is already there. What I do care about is finding a game that will let me drown in it and completely forget about everything else. It usually doesn't work for more than a few hours, one or two most often.

Quote

I had thrown controllers before and gotten very angry over gaming, but this time was something completely different.

I don't get angry. What I feel most of the time is an emptiness. Not sure how to better describe it.

 

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My friend is owning his life and he's on the way to success.

I remember my last new year's eve - I was at my apartment, alone, trying to fall asleep and abstain from porn and masturbation. I couldn't fall asleep. But I was set on fixing my sleeping habits, so I didn't sleep the following day. After a while I got back to my old crappy routine. If I developed any positive habits at all, I dropped them just as quickly. The entire year has been waster. Another wasted summer, another wasted term, another wasted christmas vacation. There have been a few periods where I was doing better, even for up to a month. But if there is ever any progress to my life, I ruin it all within a few days. My future is going to be horrible.

I came to my parents' house at the 22nd. I had already quit gaming at that point. My plan was to deal with at least 2 out of the 4 things I have for school - prepare for a hard test, prepare stuff for project, start reading for an essay, and... I don't remember the last one. I haven't touched any of them. Every night I play video games until sunrise, then I go to sleep and usually sleep until it goes dark again. I fucking hate myself. I only have a few days before I have to have half of that stuff finished. I'm getting seriously stressed out, a feeling I know very well.

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