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Everything posted by SuperSaiyanGod

  1. I've just remembered something. The rule was that anything goes as long as I do / don't do x. It worked perfectly for my diet (haven't broken any rule even once in seven months), exerecise (hadn't skipped a day until me knee started acting up), and then video games. Maybe I'll just apply that again. Although I really want to game right now. I can't think of anything that could take my mind off of it. Especially since gaming is an active activity, and I don't really have any other active things to do that I would be able to do for such a long time.
  2. I want to quit gaming. I know it doesn't serve me. But I don't know how to do it, I don't know what I did last time when I made it to 80 days. I guess I was just motivated. Or I started at the right moment. I remember feeling ready for it. It was supposed to serve a specific goal of being an engaged student. I also started at a time when I had very little stress from external sources (in contrast to the often-present stress from the inner source of suicidal thoughts). So right now I am basically over with my semester. I only have two small things and one tiny, easy exam and then I'll have exactly three weeks of winter break. Which means it's going to get a lot less stressful. This should make not gaming much easier. So I'll start now and I'll have a headstart.
  3. I haven't touched junk food, snacks, ice cream, candy etc. in over six months. December 24 was actually ~180 days. December 24 was also supposed to be exactly 90 days without gaming. I had a reddit post planned to celebrate that. I made it to around 80 though. At some point I decided that since I waste a lot of time anyway, I might as well waste it on games, because what's the difference. I can be reasonably productive even if I spend 5 hours a day on porn and the internet, so if I replace some of that with gaming it wouldn't be a problem. The whole reason I had cut out gaming in the first place was so that it wouldn't distract me from college stuff. Well, there is only one difference between gaming and surfing, and it's that gaming makes me want to do it more. The more I game, the more I want to game the next day. And very soon my days became almost exclusively about gaming. At one point a few weeks ago I started working really hard on reducing procrastination. I was making detailed plans and intentions about the things I'm gonna do, and I felt really good because I was taking care of all the stressful stuff very quickly. I intended to continue during my Christmas break, and I even kept it up for three days. I woke up quite late, but I got to work immediately. I planned to do several important things during the week. I worked on them incrementally, for 2-4 hours a day, and then went to visit a friend or played video games. But I soon started playing video games until 2am. Then 4am. When I was with my friend, I often wanted to go home and play video games. Sunday the 23rd was the last productive day, then between Monday and today I've been doing almost nothing but gaming.And I've been going to sleep after 4am and waking up after noon. And I was getting increasingly stressed out about all the important things I still have to do. So now, at 4am I've decided to get rid of my games again. This time it should be much easier even than the last time, because I've learned a lesson about why I really don't want to game. Still, I made it to 80 days. It's never been that long, except maybe in 2012 when I had a girlfriend. And it was surprisingly easy because I spent the entire summer preparing. And I took it one thing at a time - instead of attempting to turn my life over, I just added another element to a change that's been going on since June. I still have quite a lot of time to get everything done. I'll just have to start working on it. My diet is reasonably okay compared to how I ate earlier, though I haven't been losing weight for about two months because I ate too much pizza. As in every 2-3 days. Maybe I'll work on that too. It appears I am not going to any new year's eve party. Oh well. Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I've ever been to one (or hosted one) that I have genuinely enjoyed. It's more like I always expect the next one is going to be perfect.
  4. I did it. I've assembled a six person team and we prepared an outline of a large event and sent it to a contest from which we're might get the funds to see it through. It was pretty hard, but I had a lot of help from more experienced people. I also had a great team. I've finished one of the smaller projects, the other one is by this Friday, not the previous one. So I'm gonna finish it by the end of the week and then have a quieter period. I'm having a bit of trouble controlling my eating. I eat to much pizza and waste a lot of money on it. Otherwise, I feel stressed out but pretty okay.
  5. Starting this moment, the most hardcore week of this year starts for me. Three major projects to do, one by Tuesday and two by Friday. But I'm gonna do it. So, starting now, I don't have time for even a single distraction. No youtube, no movies. No two hours of porn before going to sleep, no sleeping in in the morning. This is something I can do. I'll tell you how it went in a week.
  6. I don't think I got any rest. Nothing's changed, I still feel overwhelmed by everything. I don't wanna live my life, I don't wanna do all that stressful stuff. I wanna forget about everything. I can't even do the simple things because I'm paralyzed whenever I think about them.
  7. This week there took place an event my friends and I have been preparing since February. It was a meeting of all the officials of a large European student organisation I'm in. 70 people from around the continent, 8 days. Even though a few nights were hard, this was probably one of the top 3 weeks of my life. And for the first time in my life I felt like I have a group of friends. Then there was an after party with just the ten of us. We really got close to each other, or at least that's what I hope it is. And I hope it lasts. But now I have to return to my crappy life, and I feel even worse about it because of the contrast. I just have to survive the next month, I have three large projects which I am panicking about, but they will be over by the second week of December. I don't really care about doing them well, I just wanna survive.
  8. I might be repeating myself and it may be boring. But I would really like to kill myself and be done with all this. There's too much stress from everything. This looks like the perfect, permanent solution to this permanent problem. I can't imagine how I could ever be at peace unless I do it. How I would like to be done with all this nonsense.
  9. I have strong mood swings on a daily basis. Like today I felt okay, then rather bad, then quite good, then great for a short while, then bad as soon as I got home.
  10. I feel the best when I have a lot to do and I have a challenge mindset about them. Which is right now. I've decided that my chief challenge for the next let's say 3 months is going to be to be disciplined about studying. If I can do all my studying regularly, and actually study with the purpose of learning things and not just to pass classes, I'm going to feel a lot better about my college and about my future. Which means I'm going to be a lot less stressed out and my quality of life is going to go through the roof. I'm also going to keep notes on everything to-do, so that I can be absolutely sure that I'm not forgetting anything. I'll also keep deadlines to plan my activities ahead. It was exactly the same thing with food back in June - when I had my meals planned a few days in advance, and a full fridge at all times, it was much easier to keep discipline about what I ate, and my diet has been a great success so far. So, with these notes everything's going to be much better organised, I'll be calmer about not-forgetting stuff, and as a result I'll have much less stress. Which means my quality of life is going to improve greatly. In other words: for now I'll just get to work.
  11. Here's what I mean by surviving. A typical pattern of my daily life is to get up and do the basic morning stuff, go do the things I have to do like classes and other obligations, then get back home and sit in front of the computer or go to bed, sometimes both at the same time, and try not to think about all the stuff that I have to do the next day. If I have a free day than it's computer and bed all the time, with as much sleeping as possible. And that's it. Sometimes I study. I eat well and exercise regularly, but otherwise all I wanna do is forget about my life as often as possible. Does anyone else have the same thing?
  12. That depends on your goals, right? If you want to save up money for a house, wedding, children etc., then maybe you should get the job that pays more. If you aren't planning such things but take the job then it seems your goal is to have as much money as possible when you die. Which doesn't really make sense. On the other hand if your goal is to simply live a satisfying life, then maybe you should take the job that gives you more satisfaction?
  13. Thanks for your reply. I'm at a very bad place at the moment, lying in bed unable to sleep, thinking about my life and crying a little. The void I'm taking about is not about meaning, it's mostly about feelings. I know that every single facet of the entirety of existence is as meaningless as possible. I don't have even a slight inclination towards doing anything "meaningful" with my life. I want to make my life feel better, that's it. I don't know what that emotional void is. It's like something very important is missing from my life, or maybe from me. Like I'm lacking something. But i don't know what it is, and the only thing I can do about it is try to escape from it, forget about it. Which is why I do pretty much anything, like sleep as long as I can, or lie in front of the computer late into the night so that I can postpone the moment when I have to lie in bed doing nothing for about an hour before I fall asleep. I'm just uncomfortable with being with myself. Maybe that's the core problem. I keep comparing myself to characters from How I Met Your Mother. I've never had anything even resembling the friendship that they have. Right now I would like to have someone I could share my pain with. I would like to have someone to listen while I talk about the problems even I'm having trouble naming, give me their time and accept me as I am, and then hug me while I cry. And then if they ever needed the same, I would be there for them. I haven't had anyone like that in a very long time, if ever. This hurts even more.
  14. There is a void and everything I do is to escape from it. I have no idea how I could fill it instead. It's destroying me and I don't know how much longer I can hold out like this.
  15. I'm spending most of my time watching a tv show. Otherwise, college-related stuff is getting very stressful, I've already had a breakdown a few days ago.
  16. END OF SUMMER UPDATE I have over 90 days of good diet and 41 days of everyday exercising under my belt. On the first of October I'm starting classes again and just now I've decided to stop gaming. I thought about doing it earlier but I didn't think I could succeed. I'm going to do it now so that I can have a week when I start classes. It'll be hard to fill my days with something interesting, but I think I can manage it. I've been extremely stressed out by every single thing, obligation or plan, and so for the summer I didn't have any plans and as little obligations as I could. In general, most of my life efforts focus on escaping life. This seems to be the root of all my compulsive behavior. I think I'm ready to start changing it. I started my diet the day of my last exam and I've been at it every since, never breaking a rule. It was a very slight change so it wasn't hard. Then I thought I could add another small change, because it'd been 50 days from the previous one. I figure if I add these changes with less frequency, I won't be overwhelmed by them and I'll be able to stick with them. And so I've decided to exercise on my stationary bike for 30 minutes every day, and I haven't skipped a day. Now I've gotten rid of all my games. This is going to be helpful because I already have some college-related stuff to do and no games will mean one less place to escape to. I've lost at least 8kg (could be more since I don't remember my starting weight, but it was at least 110kg) since the beginning of the summer, but it only kicked off since I've cut out sugar from several products I've been eating. Sporadically eating pizza didn't seem to be any problem weight-wise. I'm often craving for something sweet so I have a constant supplies of oranges. I didn't even start working on the youtube channel I had been planning, except for writing maybe 10% of two scripts. This is mostly because of what I wrote about plans above, and also just fear of the unknown, and I don't like to be on camera. Plus, since then I've kinda lost interest in the topic of the planned channel. I figure I should instead focus on stuff related to college and work, because I'd really like to have some security first and foremost. This summer I've probably been the most depressed since 2011. Thinking about death practically every day. I'm not saying I suddenly have some new resolve or anything. But for now I'm just going to give it another go. I'd really like to have some friends I could count on and spend time with, like people in a tv show I'm watching. I've never had any of that. I guess I'll just get to work on my professional life for now (as in start building it from less than zero), which is the only thing in my life about which I kinda have an idea how I can fix it. Okay, I've deleted my latest game and my mod storage. Setting it up again would take a whole day. This should be enough for now. Tomorrow I'll have some stuff to do, otherwise I'll probably read a book or something.
  17. I'd like to start a youtube channel but I think it's going to be shitty. Though I have a lot of ideas, I don't think I'm a good enough philosopher to talk about it, and also getting to work on a video is much harder than I thought it would be.
  18. I'm thinking about suicide almost all the time. I'll buy some sort of cord today and then decide what to do with it.
  19. I no longer believe I'm addicted to anything. I think I do have some compulsion regarding video games, but since I've stopped worrying about it, it's been MUCH weaker. I am able to concentrate farily well on real-life tasks whenever I need to. I am engaged in several projects right now. Honestly, since I've taken a bit more lightweight approach to this whole addiction thing, my life has been much better.
  20. I don't know why, but I haven't been gaming for 6 days now. Also trying to regulate my sleeping habits and eating reasonably well. I spend a lot of time on the internet, and also quite a lot of time at college, as I've had several things to do. I've been writing down everything I needed to do and most of it is ticked off right niw, including cleaning the room - it hasn't looked so good at least in half a year. Here's a weird thing. I'm feeling lazy today (Sunday), but it's a different kind of lazy. Usually my lazy i about gaming, youtube, internet etc. Today I feel like not doing any of that. I feel like reading, and I have a similar desire to play some video game, but it's nothing serious. But most of all, I don't want to spend another minute mindlessly browsing reddit or youtube. I'm just disgusted with that. I think I'll go for a walk soon, see how that goes.
  21. I literally aced almost the entire term. I cheated on one exam. Otherwise I was extremely pessimistic about everything, and then I got an A from everything. Now I'm in the middle of a one-week break. I've deleted all my games this night, I went to sleep at 6am. Woke up at 4pm. I want to get rid of this time-eater so that I can be content and productive. I expect my sleeping habits to fix themselves before I return to class. I also expect a lot of boredom.
  22. I was panicking for two whole weeks. I finished the essay yesterday and I just finished my other project. Maybe it's just an illusion, but now I feel this whole panic was completely unnecessary - because when I had to, I dealt with these problems like this: So now's the time when I don't have any more projects and all I have left is two exams two weeks from now. Which means I can get back to gaming. But now I don't want to. These past few days have been very stressful, yes, but in many ways they were much better then the past few months - I repaired my sleeping habits almost overnight, I spent a lot of time out of the apartment, doing way more productive things that usual, and every time I got home in the evening I was sleepy and was able to fall asleep easily. So I don't think I'll get back to gaming, at least for now. I have almost two weeks to prepare for the first exam. My plan is to read one chapter of the textbook a day. I'm going to continue spending most of my time outside even though I don't have to. My life is much better.
  23. I haven't slept so well at least in weeks. I wake up 6-8, shower, breakfast, then I go to school to study, even though I only have some classes in the evenings. While I'm there, I still waste a lot of time, but at least I don't sleep during the day. I get very sleepy around 5pm. When I come home towards the evening, I still can't do anything productive, but I am so tired I pretty much fall asleep right away. I also don't eat as much as I used to - around three times a day. Sometimes I eat way too much, but I still think it's better than eating some snack all the time. I don't game, but only because I had to take a break so that I can catch up with my studies. I know it's going to ruin all my habits again, but I'm going to be honest: I'm waiting for Tuesday evening so that I can download and play my latest game again. But I'll see what happens.
  24. I have absolutely no ability to start writing the paper I have assigned. The plan was to start on Wednesday. Now it's 7am on Sunday. I have spent about 2 hours total on research. In my mind, it is completely impossible for me to write it, it seems too hard. I sleep as much as possible at any time of day to escape. I deleted my video games yesterday evening, because I kept distracting myself with them. I don't think it's going to work, I can just find other distractions. I feel so horrible, so stressed out. This is going to be the greatest failure ever.
  25. January 1st. I think I should use this period of increased motivation in order to try to change something. Although I know I'll fail, so I don't know if I should even attempt it.
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