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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 26, 23.09.2019

7:56. I got up at 7:45 because yesterday I forgot to set up the alarm (I turned it off because I'd already been up). And so I've been lying in bed half awake and half asleep, waiting for the alarm to go off, as I was hearing the street strating to get busy and seeing the light emerging. But then I realised there was no alarm. So I just got up. I have no bad feelings about it, I'm even happy that I already have the habit of waking up on my own this early. It wasn't hard to get up either. And I'm perfectly rested.

Yesterday I turned off the computer at 21:55. I played video games and until then. I think I fell asleep in a standard length of time, maybe an hour. Like yesterday, I don't remember getting up during the night. Maybe there was one time? I don't remember.

Now that I'm back in the city, my old morning routine is back up: first go out to buy things for breakfast, than take a shower, than make and eat a big breakfast. And right about that time my friend should be about to arrive.

Oh, today I'm signing up for a german course. I just learned I have an additional 90 hours of free language courses at my college, and I intend to use them. Maybe I should pick up another language? Maybe French, it would be nice to be able to read all that illegible stuff that sometimes pops up in italics for a change.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 28, 25.09.2019

Forgot to write yesterday.

I really don't feel like doing anything. It's 7:04. I really don't feel like making breakfast or taking a shower.

My friend visited two days ago and left yesterday. I was already itching to be on my own by the time he was leaving. Then I proceeded to waste all that time.

We met my other friend and it was fun. Most of the time I could lay back and let them do the talking, which is kinda what I'd planned.

I likely won't be doing anything today. I'll wait with breakfast until I feel hungry.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 29, 26.09.2019

7:40. I didn't fall asleep until well after 23:30, because my new roommate was moving in and doing some noise. But then I slept well. Oh well.

I feel very similar today as I did yesterday. But I'm a bit more motivated to doing stuff.

I don't get any real pleasure or satisfaction from gaming. I think I'm going to stop. I don't really feel ready. And I have no idea what I'm going to replace it with. So for now I'm going to make a rule of no gaming until 12:00. if I don't count the morning routine, it should be only aroudn 3 hours every day. And I'll see how it feels.

So I guess I'll start separating it into:

Day 29 of sleep experiment

Day 1 of gaming experiment

Day 457+ of eating experiment

And of course I'm not counting days of success, but days of attempt.

However, I think it might be the case that the next chapter of this operation isn't going to be about gaming, but about finding a job. That's because that is the second most problematic area of my life. The first was sleep, which sapped my motivation completely at the very beginning of every day. The fact that I don't have a job and never really had one gives me a lot of stress, anxiety, and feeling of being worthless. And feeling of being late. So it might be that I'll put the gaming experiment on hold for at least a month after I start the job experiment. That's because my rule (and one everyone should have because studies support it) is to only work on one thing self-improvement-wise at a time, and give that one thing at least 30 days before I try something else.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 30, 27.09.2019

8:35. Woohoo, day 30! I believe I've already written a longer report some time ago, I don't think much has changed. One thing that's important is that being at my parents' was indeed a great boon and since I returned home it's been harder.

The trick with putting my phone away from bed so that I have to get up immediately as I hear the alarm works every time.

Today I slept until 8:00 (actually woke up earlier, around 7:45, and kinda knew I wouldn't fall asleep again) because I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight I think, and that's probably because I slept between 14:00 and 16:something yesterday. I was just very sleepy. I also didn't feel like doing anything except reading in bed. For an hour I was able to fend off sleep, even didn't feel sleepy at all when I was lying on my stomach. But then I kinda fell asleep without really realising it. I did feel andger and disappointment, but I also felt no longer sleepy. So I don't really feel bad about it anymore.

I need a feelings chart.

I've decided quitting gaming this way isn't really a good idea. Instead what I'm going to do is start building positive habits for activities I can use to replace gaming. Yesterday reading felt very nice. So the first one is going to be reading. I'm going to set a goal of reading an hour a day. This shouldn't be too hard, and it'll definitely make reading much more enjoyable since it'll help me stop forgetting what I'd been reading before.

So sleep 30, reading 2, eating 458+

As for eating - if I'm losing .75kg every week, which is what it seems like, I've calculated that I only need 12 weeks to get to 80kg and another 16 to get to 70. Assuming the rate stays the same. I find the fact that getting to my goal of having normal weight (80kg) is only going to get three months if I keep the right habits VERY motivating.

I don't think I had that goal before, back when I started and I weighed 114kg, but now it's realistic, and I think it'll be helpful to have the goal.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 32, 29.09.2019

7:20. Forgot to write yesterday. Only remembered in the evening. Yesterday got up at 8, same reason as before, but the day before I'd only slept for maybe 30 minutes. But I had the worst sleep in weeks, I'm not sure I slept more than 50%, if even that. So that's why I set the alarm to 8.

Today I got up at 7:00, quite easily. I don't feel like doing much. I forgot to buy rolls yesterday and today everything's closed. So I'll have to figure something out with breakfast.

My morning's aren't going well. I usually get up early, then play video games or watch porn for some two hours, and only when I get really hungry do I start making breakfast.

It's as if all I wanted to do was fill as much of my time with gaming as I can.

I think that's why I should stop gaming cold-turkey. But I don't really want to, nor do I think I would succeed.

 

Evening edit: 22:11. Today all I did was play video games and watch porn. I'm deeply uncomfortable with the fact that pretty much the only thing I care about is to make as much time for gaming as possible. Just squeeze in more gaming: before breakfast, before going out, before going to sleep. And I don't like how my bed time is slowly but steadily moving later into the evening. 8pm would be ideal, I'd be comfortable with 9pm, I'm uncomfortable with 10pm. Especially if I want to read for an hour before I go to sleep.

So now I'm removing all my video games. They'll still be there on the internet, but at least they won't be immediately available. And doing this first tiny step should make tomorrow go more smoothly. I want to fix my morning routine: up, out to bakery, shower, breakfast. Maybe add exercise before the shower, which I should be doing for my knee anyway but haven't started. Maybe later add guitar practice afterwards. I don't want to revert back to my bad habits, those which I've been working on eliminating this past month.

But tomorrow I have to go out pretty early so I'll exercise after I get back.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 33, 30.09.2019

6:59 according to my computer, though my alarm just went off. I really feel like going back to sleep. Anyway, so far so good, I feel kind of motivated to do my morning routine and not game.

Edit: 12:35. I did a thing I had to do, and I did my morning routine, but I didn't shower. And I for two hours in between. I feel like gaming. I really don't feel like exercising or playing guitar. I think I'll read in bed for a while.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 35, 2.10.2019

10:04. Forgot to write yesterday, possibly because I was gaming pretty much all day, just as I did the day before (started at about 15:00). I find it really difficult to stop.

Today I slept until 9:00, but that's because I couldn't fall asleep until at least 3:00. And that's because my rls wouldn't let me. I had to get up to walk twice.

I really don't feel like doing anything today. But I'm going to make breakfast. I should clean the apartment today.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 37, 4.10.2019

20:22. I either forgot or didn't feel like writing yesterday. I'm mostly writing now because I don't want to skip days. I'm not sure I see much value in writing this journal right now. Though I want to keep doing it because I want to be able to use it later should I need to do this all over again.

So yesterday I met my friend and she helped me finish my resume and look for job offers. Mostly she helped my by just being there, because the thought of looking for a job on my own is paralyzing. She says I have a very good resume. I don't really believe her, I think it's quite empty, all my experience in work and NGOs is stretched out as much as possible so that it doesn't look bare. But at least now it's 95% finished (just need a photo and some graphic design done). I have about a dozen job offers that we thought I should apply for. They are in vastly different fields, from english teacher to a dude who carries documents, none of them I really feel confident about or am excited about. But I'll see. We've also picked every offer that said english is very important, because that's my best skill, by a lot probably. I'll be finishing the resume tomorrow. Anyway, I'm intensely grateful to my friend.

Today was first day of class. Last year of college if everything works out. I'm very stressed out because I didn't do my mandatory internship-type thing on time and now I'll have to ask someone what to do about it. I mean, the worst thing that can happen is they'll say I have  to take a year off from college, which means I'll be at college for 9 years instead of 8 - no big difference. I don't expect that though. The second worst thing is that I might lose a shot at scholarship, which I otherwise would get 100% because I totally kicked ass at the last two grading periods. That would suck. If I get the money, I'll use it for psychotherapy. If I don't, it'll be a shame. Otherwise, I think that's it. It might be an unpleasant conversation, and I know I have no reason to have it feel unpleasant, but I find it hard to control even though I know all the possible bad consequences.

That is all. I now have two days free.

Today I registered to vote. Which means I'll be able to vote in this city. This is the first time I did that, usually I would either put it off for later until it was too late and be unable to vote, or have to vote at the village I'm from which is a pain.

Now it is finally all. Huh, I just said I don't feel like writing this and then I wrote a lot. That's good.

Oh, oh, I also cleaned the apartment today. Well, cleaned 85% of it. That felt good. But I really didn't want to do it. What I did was decided to just power through it immediately as I got home from classes. And it worked. I'm so stupid with the cleaning thing, I always put it off and it always feels more and more stressful that I still haven't done it, and then I just do it and it takes maybe an hour and isn't that bad. This actually describes me well in pretty much everything I have to do. That is a problem, I would definitely talk about in in psychotherapy.

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