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Day 21. "Everything is an addiction."

I'm hooked on this app called 'Duolingo'. I always wanted to learn Japanese. It gives me a daily 10 minute dose of Japanese and I've been progressing rather fast. I pick stuff like this up very quickly. It's how I'm able to impersonate accents and other people's voices. There's just this quirk in my brain. Seeing as I relapsed 3 weeks ago, I figured I'd hack my brain and it's reward system! It would be as some kind of controlled replacement drug and it'd teach me Japanese. Now, there's also this leaderboard and it's woken up my competitive streak. I don't care about the ingame money. I care about learning new words and getting that sweet number 1 spot. I was doing this for a week or two when I noticed that to keep up the pace with the others on the leaderboard, I had to spend several hours on the app... I have been number one on the bronze, silver, gold and now saphire leagues. I make efforts to maintain it all. And suddenly I realized it's very similar to my time as a gamer. The addiction to increase that highscore, the rush of beating somebody else... I'm on the fence. How serious should I take this behaviour of mine? I feel progress in Japanese, major progress even! But I'm scared this is, just like porn was, another way to keep the addiction online. I even used to have a sextoy in the house and I threw that away because it scared me how often I would use it. I feel like I'm this junkie who, if I can't use video games or porn, would find just about ànything to satify the needs of my badly wired brain. I'm happy I threw the sextoy away. But a part of me thinks it's an overreaction. Isn't literally everybody in life addicted to feeling good in some way? Some use performing comedy or food as a way to get that rewards mechanism going, others use gaming. I quit gaming because I felt like it was hurting my life's potential and my career. But after that I quit porn because it used the same artificial ways that games or some app would use to 'force' happy-hormones out of your brain. 

For the first time in so many years of this, I'm actually scared. Is this just who I am? Is this how humans are? Am I overthinking this so much that I ruin things I could enjoy if I were to just worry less about them?

 

Recent highlight: The podcast session last night was a true knockout. I look very forward to the reactions.

Budget status: I try to postpone every purchase I have to do. When I get my computer back, hopefully this week, I'll try to work out a system to see how much I can afford on what. That should help and will also make me feel a bit more in control.

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the date and the movie with my lovely girlfriend. And do my best to have a good dnd session tomorrow evening.

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7 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

The addiction to increase that highscore, the rush of beating somebody else... I'm on the fence. How serious should I take this behaviour of mine?

I feel progress in Japanese, major progress even! But I'm scared this is, just like porn was, another way to keep the addiction online.

For the first time in so many years of this, I'm actually scared. Is this just who I am? Is this how humans are?

According to https://www.asam.org/ :  Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. 

Just thought I'd paste this here too and remind you that getting rewards isn't the problem. There are multiple problems that stem from a repetitive/obsessive use of certain things that make those things bad, that make us call them addictive. 

Is eating addictive? If you obsess over it and think about it all day and it disrupts your life, it is.
Is love addictive? Same rules apply to all. 

Don't be scared, be happy you are vigilant. Not a lot of things can now happen to us without us noticing them, cause we're scarred from being junkies, is my own conclusion. 

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23 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 21. "Everything is an addiction."

I'm hooked on this app called 'Duolingo'. I always wanted to learn Japanese. It gives me a daily 10 minute dose of Japanese and I've been progressing rather fast. I pick stuff like this up very quickly. It's how I'm able to impersonate accents and other people's voices. There's just this quirk in my brain. Seeing as I relapsed 3 weeks ago, I figured I'd hack my brain and it's reward system! It would be as some kind of controlled replacement drug and it'd teach me Japanese. Now, there's also this leaderboard and it's woken up my competitive streak. I don't care about the ingame money. I care about learning new words and getting that sweet number 1 spot. I was doing this for a week or two when I noticed that to keep up the pace with the others on the leaderboard, I had to spend several hours on the app... I have been number one on the bronze, silver, gold and now saphire leagues. I make efforts to maintain it all. And suddenly I realized it's very similar to my time as a gamer. The addiction to increase that highscore, the rush of beating somebody else... I'm on the fence. How serious should I take this behaviour of mine? I feel progress in Japanese, major progress even! But I'm scared this is, just like porn was, another way to keep the addiction online. I even used to have a sextoy in the house and I threw that away because it scared me how often I would use it. I feel like I'm this junkie who, if I can't use video games or porn, would find just about ànything to satify the needs of my badly wired brain. I'm happy I threw the sextoy away. But a part of me thinks it's an overreaction. Isn't literally everybody in life addicted to feeling good in some way? Some use performing comedy or food as a way to get that rewards mechanism going, others use gaming. I quit gaming because I felt like it was hurting my life's potential and my career. But after that I quit porn because it used the same artificial ways that games or some app would use to 'force' happy-hormones out of your brain. 

For the first time in so many years of this, I'm actually scared. Is this just who I am? Is this how humans are? Am I overthinking this so much that I ruin things I could enjoy if I were to just worry less about them?

 

Recent highlight: The podcast session last night was a true knockout. I look very forward to the reactions.

Budget status: I try to postpone every purchase I have to do. When I get my computer back, hopefully this week, I'll try to work out a system to see how much I can afford on what. That should help and will also make me feel a bit more in control.

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the date and the movie with my lovely girlfriend. And do my best to have a good dnd session tomorrow evening.

I understand the pain and/or fear you have regarding addiction. You're in a grey area because learning a new language is very special and should not be treated as a waste like video games. It's a valuable tool and helps a part of your brain develop further that most people neglect. 

The other half of the grey area is duolingo wants to make money. They designed an easy way to learn a language and through that they utilized powerful reward systems which video games and gambling companies use to attract consumers and keep them hooked. 

So you're enjoying the fact you're learning, but because you've hurt yourself in the past with gaming and porn you've developed several internal safety checks to prevent yourself from being hurt. Similar to knowing not to touch a hot frying pan because you'll get burned. The dysphoria feeling is because you enjoy the rush of ranking high. Your name is there and all of a sudden you have a new identity as the most efficient language learner. You feel proud. You don't get this satisfaction from work or chores. You don't want to stop because you want to keep this emotional high going, so you do your best to stay at the top. But you never end up being that happy again. You just need to stay number 1 and it starts to eat at you because that's you're new identity. 

I'd personally take a break from it and maybe find a more indepth way to learn Japanese. This could be meet up groups or reading a book or a Japanese speaking discord. Anime with no subtitle?

Also, don't be afraid to have fun. I used to think dopamine rushes were fun and when I have fun in real life I don't want to stop because my mind craves dopamine now. I get a mental crash and very depressed after having fun sometimes but I have to remember it's because I used to play games for 16 hours straight and it took more dopamine to be satisfied. 

Naturally fun activities aren't meant to be abused for hours. You can go hiking for hours, but you feel better after that and naturally exhausted and healthy because it's something animals need. Nature, sun, exercise, water, air, smells, sounds, environment changes, etc. At the rate you're using the app and the fact you posted on here about it truly means you're not having fun and it's a harm more than a help at this point. 

Also, I wrote a post about the interview but it never posted. I'm glad you went down and did well in it and are taking it well. I just think it's a blessing in disguise because if that guy was your boss I think you'd be very stressed out and in an environment with potential conflicts on a daily basis. That's just exhausting. I honestly think one of these gigs you do will pay off and you'll be able to produce social media for passive income through people recognizing you and wanting to hear more. 

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On 7/4/2019 at 3:57 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I understand the pain and/or fear you have regarding addiction. You're in a grey area because learning a new language is very special and should not be treated as a waste like video games. It's a valuable tool and helps a part of your brain develop further that most people neglect. 

The other half of the grey area is duolingo wants to make money. They designed an easy way to learn a language and through that they utilized powerful reward systems which video games and gambling companies use to attract consumers and keep them hooked. 

So you're enjoying the fact you're learning, but because you've hurt yourself in the past with gaming and porn you've developed several internal safety checks to prevent yourself from being hurt. Similar to knowing not to touch a hot frying pan because you'll get burned. The dysphoria feeling is because you enjoy the rush of ranking high. Your name is there and all of a sudden you have a new identity as the most efficient language learner. You feel proud. You don't get this satisfaction from work or chores. You don't want to stop because you want to keep this emotional high going, so you do your best to stay at the top. But you never end up being that happy again. You just need to stay number 1 and it starts to eat at you because that's you're new identity. 

I'd personally take a break from it and maybe find a more indepth way to learn Japanese. This could be meet up groups or reading a book or a Japanese speaking discord. Anime with no subtitle?

Also, don't be afraid to have fun. I used to think dopamine rushes were fun and when I have fun in real life I don't want to stop because my mind craves dopamine now. I get a mental crash and very depressed after having fun sometimes but I have to remember it's because I used to play games for 16 hours straight and it took more dopamine to be satisfied. 

Naturally fun activities aren't meant to be abused for hours. You can go hiking for hours, but you feel better after that and naturally exhausted and healthy because it's something animals need. Nature, sun, exercise, water, air, smells, sounds, environment changes, etc. At the rate you're using the app and the fact you posted on here about it truly means you're not having fun and it's a harm more than a help at this point. 

Also, I wrote a post about the interview but it never posted. I'm glad you went down and did well in it and are taking it well. I just think it's a blessing in disguise because if that guy was your boss I think you'd be very stressed out and in an environment with potential conflicts on a daily basis. That's just exhausting. I honestly think one of these gigs you do will pay off and you'll be able to produce social media for passive income through people recognizing you and wanting to hear more. 

Thanks man, you too @fawn_xoxo.

I put the app a bit to rest, at least the leaderboard aspect of it. I can now order food, explain what I eat or don't eat, tell time and use a bit more complex phrases like explaining you don't want to go to work or telling somebody at what hour you usually eat. I can read hiragana, katakana and some kanji. The progress is insane. I have now just set the app to give me a little ping to remind me to take my daily dose of Japanese, just a few minutes, like 15 a day. I'm going to put the leaderboard in the 'stuff to avoid' column. I talked to my girlfriend, she's a Master in Psychology, and she too thinks it's bad for me and reminiscent of the addictive behaviour. I agreed to put the app down for a day or two, let the winning streak die and just focus on learning the language. That is a reward in itself. I am starting to be able to listen to full fluidly pronounced sentences and understand what they mean. It won't be very long before I start watching anime and japanese tv, movies or series and at a certain point in the future, i'll try turning the subtitles off :) 

I'll keep using the app, learning more words and phrases, and will ignore the leaderboard functionality. Thank you two for helping me put some worries to rest. I was indeed stressing out a bit too much over it but I realize it comes from a place of taking care of myself and being vigilant. That's a pretty positive thing.

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Day 26. "Weekend off."

I stepped away from the leaderboard of the Duolingo app. The progress I make in Japanese with the app and the feeling of accomplishment it gives me is unreal. But the leaderboard is bad juju. I realize that now and will now ignore it. If I can't and it's giving me true trouble, I'll delete the app and find another way to learn Japanese. It's not worth the risk and stress.

I spent the entire weekend at my girlfriend's parent's. Super nice people. I got a little drunk here and there, so it showed a few sides of me they hadn't seen yet. I spent 72 hours together with the girlfriend so she's seen me annoyed, hangry, ... for the first time. Everything went well, though, no worries! It just confirmed that I'm human and that I don't pretend to be somebody else I'm not anymore. It was lovely, all of it. The nature, we went kayaking, played minigolf, ate soooo much food. We've been talking about living together and our future. We both agree that living together is going to be amazing, fun and will solve a lot of practical and logistic problems. We both feel like it'd be a good move for us. But it will also show the other every little dirty side of our personality. It will be naked. Suddenly you pick up on how addicted I am to my morning coffee, or how she never ever stops talking. How she's not really a big go-getter and I see 1.000.000 goals and I want to get all of them. Despite it all, I strongly feel like this is a healthy and communicative relationship. We talk about things, are open, happy and loving. We care a lot for each other and it shows. We're both very popular with each other's friends and families. The entire world could collapse around me, but seeing her face would still make me smile.

And I needed that. Her, the smile, the entire weekend, I sorely needed it.

I got so angry, stressed and frustrated at work, I almost went into a superior's office to scream that I quit. 

I need to get out of that place asap. Screw the money and stability, it's not worth my mental health and sanity. There's a million crappy jobs nearby. I'll just temp or something, holy shit.

I think it's because my way of looking at life has changed so much recently. I am way more confident and know what I want more nowadays. I got so close to that amazing mindfuck of a job recently, that my current situation is no longer good enough for me. I deserve more and better. I'm not doing myself any favors by staying here. There's no promotion, certificate or anything else that I could put on my resumé waiting for me. I've gotten everything out of it that I could. I'm going to update my CV today and look at what the options are. I just hope that that moment of screaming that I quit will not happen this week. I used to not care about the job. Now I'm starting to find myself hating it. I always knew it was a bad place for me. I just chalked it up to being a nescessary evil and turned off my emotions. But I'm human and have limits. They finally started getting under my skin, and that's where I draw the line and leave.

 

Recent highlight: We kayaked in the middle of nature, a bit of a breeze, the shining sun, rustling leaves, chirping birds, ... Pure bliss and peace.

Budget status: I'm really starting to feel how important my pc is. The computing power of this replacement one my gf is lending me is bullshit. I feel way less productive with this temporary setup. I'll be looking for a new job or making one of my own (thinking about entrepreneurship). I really need my computer back for stuff like that.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try not to lose my shit at work tomorrow.

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Day 27. "Couldn't go back to that place."

Yesterday was my girlfriend's birthday. We had ice cream, bbq and a Marvel movie. I tried my best to keep all of my emotions about the office inside of me, didn't want to ruin the moment. I have prepared a big surprise for her this weekend so it wasn't that crazy of a day. But this Sunday I will get all of her friends together and go to an animal park. She loves those.

Anyway, I had a productive day, in a weird sense. I have been postponing updating the resume and actually taking steps in improving the career situation. I notice that right now, I work part-time. And whereas normally I would use the off days to further my career and do my creative work, I now have to use these to recover from being at the office. Torment. So not a lot of progress... I really need to escape the office.

Last night I dreaded going back to it so much, I couldn't sleep. This morning, I had a headache and major stomach cramps. I called in sick, blamed it on bad bbq food. But I know it's stress and psychological stuff. Psychosomatic symptoms they call those, I believe. I'm seeing a doctor tonight. I secretly hope he'll just put me on sick leave for a long time, like for a burnout. I feel like if I quit right now, I'd still fucking die or something because I'd still have to work there for 4 more weeks and then I'd be nowhere. I need time to both recover from all of this bullshit and also to set the next step right.

I'm thinking of starting a business of my own, as a presentation teacher. Teaching and coaching people to become a good public speaker, how to give presentations, how to dress, ... But you need money for that. So I need another part-time job like the one I'm doing right now. Only a good one that won't bore or burn me out. Every tiny task, like updating my resumé, feels like lifting a giant boulder because I feel so emptied out.

Recent highlight: Girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night and noticed me scrolling my phone, had a good conversation about how I felt, despite it being 2 am. Bless her.

Budget status: FINALLY GOT MY COMPUTER BACK. HOLY SHIT. Time to make an actual proper schedule, limit my spendings and try to maximize my income!

My one goal for the next 24h: Get the doctor to put me on sick leave for as long as fucking possible, if not, try to find ways to cope. Update the resumé, get intel on my options and try to attack this situation like one of those giants from 'Attack on Titan'.

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Update - The doctor told me it would be healthy to stay home for a while. I'm home for this week and the next. I'll try to get some sleep today and try to get my shit sorted over the next few days.

Though this is lovely and I can now take a breather, suddenly the weight of the entire 'achieving your dream'-thing falls onto my shoulders and it's a bit insane. When did I get so easy to stress out?

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Keep pushing yourself for your dreams (you got this!) and try to enjoy the recovery time (with non-video game ways, of course)! Love your Hamilton quote by the way: one of my favorites and I have a shirt with it.

Edited by indyc
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15 hours ago, indyc said:

Keep pushing yourself for your dreams (you got this!) and try to enjoy the recovery time (with non-video game ways, of course)! Love your Hamilton quote by the way: one of my favorites and I have a shirt with it.

Hahaha, it's actually a quote from Suckerpunch! ^^

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Day 28. "Exile."

So today I'll start my process of trying to get away from the office. Normally, I'd hand in my resignation and look for another job. I'm required by law to work a few more weeks before I officially am done at the office and I'm allowed a day or two within those weeks to go to interviews. But I'm so spent, hollowed out and stressed, I can't friggin' lift a finger on off days. So the doctor told me about resignation based on medical reasons. She's given me two weeks to take a breather and I've made an appointment within 2 weeks to see if two more weeks are in order. So in theory I have about a month to get my ducks in a row. That's one month to update my resumé and find either a good job or at least a tolerable job or part-time to pay the bills, re-up my energy levels and keep trying to get that career in public speaking or entertainment or whatever. Something fun and creative that gives me a sense of accomplishment, something that helps people grow and helps make the world a little bit of a better place, one babystep at a time. 

But that's not so easy. I'm trying to get into a situation where I can apply for government money while I'm without a job. But that requires your to be fired, not have resigned yourself. But if I resign because of medical reasons, and psychological stress would potentially be one of those, I'd get to resign, not have to work those extra weeks and still get the unemployment cash; that's what we're aiming for. 

I need to stay strong in my resolve and try to never go back to that place. I can feel my bones quiver, my stomach ache and my brain scatter and hurt when I think about it. The idea of working another day there, makes my physically sick. They're rude, harsh, closed minded and frankly a bunch of bullies and enablers. They can't help it, it's the way they're raised. But I won't stand for it and I deserve better. If they're going to treat me like crap for 2 years, I'm going all out on this. I still need to do some research on the paperwork, though. But I'm planning on getting those 2 extra weeks at home and use that time to figure out how to pull this off without financially ruining myself and also not have to go to that office anymore.

Recent highlight: A friend approached me, heard about the radio program I'd be doing and volunteered her technical skills as an audio editor. 

Budget status: Because of all the stress, I've been postponing quite a few things. Making my budget algorythm is one of them. But that's okay. It's understandable. I need to recover first.

My one goal for the next 24h: I have a gig tonight working as an entertainer for Coca-Cola tonight at a music festival. It's my first time working with the entertainment company that booked me and I'm aiming for making a lasting and positive impression. I went to interview there a couple of months back. I wasn't hired but they remembered me and want to use my skills freelance.

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Day 0. "Think of something funny"

Last week has been a blur of porn, anime and I don't even remember what... My doctor gave me 2 weeks at home. The first week was just spent in a daze. I barely remember. I can feel the monkey on my back egging me on to find another way of getting my fix. I still want to quit porn, at least once for 90 days, at the very least to prove to myself that I actually can. The longest streak I've done is 45. I guess I am burnt out. Just looking for anything and everything to make me feel better.

I've been picking myself up slowly. I will see the doctor in two days and probably have my absence prolonged with another 2 weeks. Honestly, it's been flying by. I've been coming out of my daze for just about 2-3 days. I stay inside a lot too. Curtains drawn. Standing up little by little. I've now done groceries, written some comedy, make a 'plan of attack' (kind of) to quit or get fired or use the doctor to make a medical statement telling them that I'm psychologically no longer able to work for them, and find another job asap, just anything to pay the bills. I'd prefer to find something proper, but I'll probably have to settle for less and see how long I can maintain the crappy part- time job. I'll try and update the resumé in a way that reflects my creative side, but right now it feels like a huge assignment and I have no idea how to tackle it. Little by little, I guess?

I'm trying to go task by task. Getting groceries and cooking is an accomplishment. Finishing all of the dishes too. I'm now at doing all of my clothes and ironing them. Next on the menu is stuff for the podcast and today I've been writing jokes for my stand up set. I've been binging comedy and I'm looking forward to performing stand up. I haven't had that feeling in ages. A part of me is starting to look at the creative work I endeavour as a means of survival. I'll die mentally in an office, behind a customer service counter or in a call center. I HAVE to make sure I'm funny. Thank god I perform well under pressure.

I've been asking myself how this was able to come about. What burnt me out? The lingering feeling of 'I don't belong.'? The monotony or the colleagues who were just véry different from me? The way they treated me? I know I'm rather stubborn and want things my way often. I'm not sure. All I know is that right now I'm looking for short term options. Long term, we can still change and mold the future. But right now I gotta make sure I can pay the bills and I don't starve.

I'm about to take a two-week-long plunge in a huge festival. Once a year my entire city, yes, literally, the entire city, turns into a music festival. Every single location that could be called a square or plaza, every big parking lot or pedestrian area, ... It all gets transformed into a festival/music/performance area. It's an insane thing to experience. Most locals save up their days off of work to got 3 weeks of this madness. Half a week to get provisions and prep. 2 weeks of mayhem and music. Another half a week to recover. I'm probably financially not in the best of states to afford to binge. And mentally there's the issue that I'm likely to flee into the chaos instead of face my issues. But I've really been making progress the past few days. I'm sure it won't go overboard.

I hope. 

Recent highlight: I've been writing comedy. I'll try to get a solid 10 minute set out of it and see if I can get some open mics to test my stuff this summer somewhere. It's been ages but I finally enjoy it a bit more and I'm now more myself, more authentic.

Budget status: Still haven't looked at the budget. I guess the most important factor here is just covering the bills and seeing where my next influx of mula is going to be coming from.

My one goal for the next 24h: I want to have another productive day tomorrow. I'm getting used to doing stuff again instead of moping around. I also have a fun birthday party coming up with loaaaads of free booze. I am going to try to not get too fucked up because I have a doctor's appointment the next morning and the next evening I'm meeting my friends for said festival. I'm thinking of bringing a flask to keep expenses low.

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5 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 0. "Think of something funny"

Last week has been a blur of porn, anime and I don't even remember what... My doctor gave me 2 weeks at home. The first week was just spent in a daze. I barely remember. I can feel the monkey on my back egging me on to find another way of getting my fix. I still want to quit porn, at least once for 90 days, at the very least to prove to myself that I actually can. The longest streak I've done is 45. I guess I am burnt out. Just looking for anything and everything to make me feel better.

I've been picking myself up slowly. I will see the doctor in two days and probably have my absence prolonged with another 2 weeks. Honestly, it's been flying by. I've been coming out of my daze for just about 2-3 days. I stay inside a lot too. Curtains drawn. Standing up little by little. I've now done groceries, written some comedy, make a 'plan of attack' (kind of) to quit or get fired or use the doctor to make a medical statement telling them that I'm psychologically no longer able to work for them, and find another job asap, just anything to pay the bills. I'd prefer to find something proper, but I'll probably have to settle for less and see how long I can maintain the crappy part- time job. I'll try and update the resumé in a way that reflects my creative side, but right now it feels like a huge assignment and I have no idea how to tackle it. Little by little, I guess?

I'm trying to go task by task. Getting groceries and cooking is an accomplishment. Finishing all of the dishes too. I'm now at doing all of my clothes and ironing them. Next on the menu is stuff for the podcast and today I've been writing jokes for my stand up set. I've been binging comedy and I'm looking forward to performing stand up. I haven't had that feeling in ages. A part of me is starting to look at the creative work I endeavour as a means of survival. I'll die mentally in an office, behind a customer service counter or in a call center. I HAVE to make sure I'm funny. Thank god I perform well under pressure.

I've been asking myself how this was able to come about. What burnt me out? The lingering feeling of 'I don't belong.'? The monotony or the colleagues who were just véry different from me? The way they treated me? I know I'm rather stubborn and want things my way often. I'm not sure. All I know is that right now I'm looking for short term options. Long term, we can still change and mold the future. But right now I gotta make sure I can pay the bills and I don't starve.

I'm about to take a two-week-long plunge in a huge festival. Once a year my entire city, yes, literally, the entire city, turns into a music festival. Every single location that could be called a square or plaza, every big parking lot or pedestrian area, ... It all gets transformed into a festival/music/performance area. It's an insane thing to experience. Most locals save up their days off of work to got 3 weeks of this madness. Half a week to get provisions and prep. 2 weeks of mayhem and music. Another half a week to recover. I'm probably financially not in the best of states to afford to binge. And mentally there's the issue that I'm likely to flee into the chaos instead of face my issues. But I've really been making progress the past few days. I'm sure it won't go overboard.

I hope. 

Recent highlight: I've been writing comedy. I'll try to get a solid 10 minute set out of it and see if I can get some open mics to test my stuff this summer somewhere. It's been ages but I finally enjoy it a bit more and I'm now more myself, more authentic.

Budget status: Still haven't looked at the budget. I guess the most important factor here is just covering the bills and seeing where my next influx of mula is going to be coming from.

My one goal for the next 24h: I want to have another productive day tomorrow. I'm getting used to doing stuff again instead of moping around. I also have a fun birthday party coming up with loaaaads of free booze. I am going to try to not get too fucked up because I have a doctor's appointment the next morning and the next evening I'm meeting my friends for said festival. I'm thinking of bringing a flask to keep expenses low.

Hey man, everything is going to be ok.  Trust me.  I understand what you're going through. That first week after I left my job all I did was sleep, watch porn, eat like shit, watch TV, and talk spend time with my pet bird. I was so exhausted and finally felt like I didn't have to keep fighting. I could take a step back, breathe, and relax without holding up a barrier. That barrier takes energy. Working a job you don't enjoy takes energy. Spending weeks preparing for, going to an interview, waiting out the process, deliberating what your life would be like at your new job, what you'd do by moving there or commuting, how you'd manage time with your girlfriend, and the future of your performances takes energy. Being in a relationship takes energy. Trying to stay away from porn and games takes energy. Self improvement takes energy. Spending months to save enough money to go to Japan, without your girlfriend, while being sick, and being there for weeks takes tremendous energy.

You have every right to be exhausted. Think about what I just wrote and reflect on that a little bit. You said the same thing to me when I went through the job transitions, moving, self improvement, etc. It's ok and you are ok.

When you finally have the opportunity to take the plunge into vulnerability and lowering your walls to fully recharge, you don't realize how strong of a force that is until you're in it. It's like gravity pulls your heart and mind down into a cocoon and you have to hibernate and rejuvenate yourself because you have utterly nothing left. It's shocking once you're in that state how little energy you actually have and how badly your heart desires to replenish itself. We see having a few weeks off to spend maybe 1-2 days relaxing and then working on our dreams. But really we need 1-2 weeks to slowly recharge. Sleeping more than 8 hours a night sometimes, eating 3-5 meals per day (healthy and balanced), socializing at a refreshing value with little to no social commitments for a bit, breathing, and just allowing yourself to feel solitude is important.

Think of how a famous athlete in sports tears their ACL and has to heal for 6-8 months and then wait another 4 months to be fully healed. What's the difference between the physical injury and the emotional injury you just suffered? What I listed in that first paragraph could be considered an injury. You've been working so hard for years on gaming addiction, self improvement, relationships, jobs, life, and more. That takes a toll on you and it requires healing. These athletes give themselves time to rest, have to stay immobile for a bit, then slowly do physical therapy to get their leg moving again, then they start moving more, stretching, and then lift weights. Then they start agility training. Then they start practicing again and then they perform at their old level. 

I think it might be wise to let yourself rest a bit until you're ready to take the steps towards functioning in the way you know you can function. You might be upset that you're not going after your dreams and be wondering why you're so exhausted right now, but that doesn't define who you are as a person. It doesn't define the identity of your soul. Your future is defined by your person and your soul. I know you're a passionate guy and I know you have dreams. Once you get mentally and emotionally healed you and I both know you're going to step out of your front door like a cannonball being fired at an enemy ship. That ship is the obstacles you'll face to achieving your goals. I believe in you.

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Hey man, everything is going to be ok.  Trust me.  I understand what you're going through. That first week after I left my job all I did was sleep, watch porn, eat like shit, watch TV, and talk spend time with my pet bird. I was so exhausted and finally felt like I didn't have to keep fighting. I could take a step back, breathe, and relax without holding up a barrier. That barrier takes energy. Working a job you don't enjoy takes energy. Spending weeks preparing for, going to an interview, waiting out the process, deliberating what your life would be like at your new job, what you'd do by moving there or commuting, how you'd manage time with your girlfriend, and the future of your performances takes energy. Being in a relationship takes energy. Trying to stay away from porn and games takes energy. Self improvement takes energy. Spending months to save enough money to go to Japan, without your girlfriend, while being sick, and being there for weeks takes tremendous energy.

You have every right to be exhausted. Think about what I just wrote and reflect on that a little bit. You said the same thing to me when I went through the job transitions, moving, self improvement, etc. It's ok and you are ok.

When you finally have the opportunity to take the plunge into vulnerability and lowering your walls to fully recharge, you don't realize how strong of a force that is until you're in it. It's like gravity pulls your heart and mind down into a cocoon and you have to hibernate and rejuvenate yourself because you have utterly nothing left. It's shocking once you're in that state how little energy you actually have and how badly your heart desires to replenish itself. We see having a few weeks off to spend maybe 1-2 days relaxing and then working on our dreams. But really we need 1-2 weeks to slowly recharge. Sleeping more than 8 hours a night sometimes, eating 3-5 meals per day (healthy and balanced), socializing at a refreshing value with little to no social commitments for a bit, breathing, and just allowing yourself to feel solitude is important.

Think of how a famous athlete in sports tears their ACL and has to heal for 6-8 months and then wait another 4 months to be fully healed. What's the difference between the physical injury and the emotional injury you just suffered? What I listed in that first paragraph could be considered an injury. You've been working so hard for years on gaming addiction, self improvement, relationships, jobs, life, and more. That takes a toll on you and it requires healing. These athletes give themselves time to rest, have to stay immobile for a bit, then slowly do physical therapy to get their leg moving again, then they start moving more, stretching, and then lift weights. Then they start agility training. Then they start practicing again and then they perform at their old level. 

I think it might be wise to let yourself rest a bit until you're ready to take the steps towards functioning in the way you know you can function. You might be upset that you're not going after your dreams and be wondering why you're so exhausted right now, but that doesn't define who you are as a person. It doesn't define the identity of your soul. Your future is defined by your person and your soul. I know you're a passionate guy and I know you have dreams. Once you get mentally and emotionally healed you and I both know you're going to step out of your front door like a cannonball being fired at an enemy ship. That ship is the obstacles you'll face to achieving your goals. I believe in you.

Damn dude. Thank you so much. That's amazing. Holy hell... You're right, though. I'm always so eager to get right back up on that horse, but I tend to ignore the torn ligaments that need healing from the previous time the horse threw me off. One of the things I've been learning is to find some peace, to rest. I guess it's in order right here, right now. I hope my two doctors appointments in the next few days will reflect that. I'd LOVE to be able to get away with a few months at home, with an sickness/unemployment income so I don't have to worry about bills. Fingers crossed, I guess?

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Day 0. "Doctor's orders."

Saw my regular doctor today. He gave me another two weeks and made a comment on expanding another two weeks if nescessary. I'm happy they seem to understand the situation and my bore-out/burnout. I'm seeing a special doctor on Monday, he's at home in all of the employment and sickness and wellfare laws. I'm right now trying to skip out on having to work for 6 more weeks after I resign. The special doctor could order my resignation to be medically nescessary and then I'd get unemployment money. If I just resign, I'd get nothing and my right to claim said money would be blocked for a while. My bill can't handle that.

I'm going to try and update my resumé and give it a crisper look. A part of me wants to find a cool, creative job. But another part of me knows that it's a long-term thing and I'd better just find a stopgap. But I'm aware that that latter is exactly how I got here. If I do get the unemployment money, I'd be set for a few months. So long enough to properly get things going. 

I've been writing comedy more nowadays. I hope some of it is good enough to get some gigs. A couple of extra bucks here and there is always nice. I used to make about 100 per week just doing comedy. I'm pretty sure it's going to take me a while to get back up to that level. But now that I'm at home and able to rest and relax a bit more, my creative juices just flow more naturally. I'm looking forward to my writing session on Monday. I want to work on my radio program.

Recent highlight: Last night felt amazing. Fancy wine, free cocktails, ... I love birthday parties.

Budget status: Right now, I'm focussing on cleaning up my place. Figuring out the budget is on the menu. Just not right now. I planned it for the end of the month. I guess we'll have some clarity by then as to what my income will be like. 

My one goal for the next 24h: Go have fun with my friends tonight and enjoy the festivities. Also don't get too drunk, because I'm still a bit hungover from the cocktails.

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