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cammyhammy

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About cammyhammy

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  1. It's been a while. Here to rant a bit, complain about some of the things that I feel aren't going so great in my life, maybe talk about some random subjects. I've been feeling pretty isolated lately. I'm in one of those funks where I dislike my family intensely. My father is apathetic, stupid, and has anger issues. His self-esteem is absolutely terrible; he agrees with my mom on every subject because he's afraid to give out his true opinions. When he's ordering something or explaining something or really engaging in any kind of speech with people outside his immediate family, he uses a higher pitch voice with an odd and aggravating inflection. I don't know the purpose of him using such a tone (perhaps he thinks it makes him sound more article? more professional?), but it is indicative to me that he does not feel fully comfortable speaking as himself and has low self-esteem. He really is no father figure at all. He provides no real guidance, and any tips he does dispense are given to me and my siblings as if we were very slow children. God it fucking irks me to hear someone who is so much less intelligent than me and so much less aware (and so much less modest haha) speak to me so condescendingly. I realize I shouldn't let him aggravate me and I'm working on becoming calmer and less reactive to outside forces, but at present it really is painful to interact with him. As for my mom, she has low self-esteem as well. Literally every time she speaks to anyone who's outside our immediate family, she laughs after every sentence. It's fucking disgusting. You don't want to laugh. You don't find whatever you said or they said funny. Why do you laugh? She tells me and my siblings all the times that she "tells it like it is" while lying through her teeth during every interaction she has with a stranger in order to curry favor with them and to coerce them into forming a favorable impression of her. She's hyper-protective of my little sister and tells me off whenever I make even the lightest tease. I genuinely feel bad (or probably should, see my paragraph on emotional repression below) for my little sister. She is allowed to eat very nearly whatever she wants and is being shielded from the real world. The odds of her having low self-esteem are enormous. She already confesses to having insecurities about her body, telling us that her "belly is so large" and that she's "so fat". As for my friends, the more I hang out with the more I realize just how incompatible we are. They're the "bad boy" kind of guys and although I have no problem with breaking rules, I still feel so inhibited around them; I feel like I can't be myself around them. We hung out on Tuesday and it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel liked by them, I didn't feel socially ept. I know these are just remnants of my now lowered (but ever-present) social anxiety, but it's hard not to buy into them when none of your jokes land and none of your conversations with your friends feel right. I think I may want to branch out and find new friends I can relate to more. It'll be hard, but I think it'll be worth it. The more introspective thinking I do, the more I realize how bad my emotional repression is. I feel so inhibited in my day to day life. I cannot remember the last time I felt love, sympathy, or any real deep emotion besides hatred in real life. It was my dreams that made me realize I have been repressing my emotions (though how I repress them or when I began is beyond me). Very rarely, only a few times a year, I will have dreams in which I feel so much emotion it's overwhelming. Just the other night I had a dream that a friend of mine died, and I weeped and moaned and sniffled for a long time. I felt genuine pain because he was dead. When I woke up, I tried so hard to cling to the emotion, but within minutes it had slipped from my grasp. Even when the emotion isn't happiness or anything of the sort, I want to feel it. There is a queer joy in feeling any emotion at all. Without emotion, I feel very disconnected from the people and things around me. I seriously have no clue what to do about this. It feels like I've entered "get a psychiatrist" territory, but I'm not comfortable asking my family to do that for me for a number of reasons. I've been using my laptop a lot lately, and I know it's not good for me. I've been splitting my time about half and half between coding and watching Youtube. Even though I know coding is an intellectually stimulated process, there's something about staring at a screen for long periods of time that's just not good for me. I get this terrible mental fog in the back of my head that makes everything more frustrating than it should be. After I write this, I intend on doing something besides staring at a screen for a while. Anyway, I hope you are all doing well in your lives!
  2. This is probably a big factor in our development and our recovery from addiction. How many of us can honestly say that we have a supportive family or supportive friends who are willing to give us strength while we improve ourselves? I'd wager not too many. The unfortunate caveat of having been addicted to video games is that those closest to us likely saw us devolving into addiction and allowed us to do so. This means they probably don't realize the severity of our addiction or how badly we want to make ourselves better and they aren't going to support us because of it. I'm glad you've come to this community, Fawn. I hope you find some of the support you desire through our posts and replies. If we cannot find people in our lives that, to use your words, are strong and who can show us the positive way forward, perhaps we're duty bound to become those people ourselves. It's a struggle, no doubt about it, but I think it's a struggle we have a responsibility to endure if we want to help people like us.
  3. It's funny, I thought I'd post more once I got a laptop. Seems I was mistaken. I fear I've been making the same mistake with programming I typically make when getting into new hobbies; I invest too much time too quickly and become disinterested. I'm used to applying myself to easy challenges and making progress quickly. Perhaps it's a remnant of my time playing video-games when I could "achieve" great deals within hours. This is not the case with programming. I am frequently confused by programming concepts when I first encounter them and in order to make complex programs I have to spends hours doing research and going through the trial and error process. Programming feels less fulfilling now than it did when I first started. I think I need to take a step back and keep completing small challenges before I make large scale programs. I'm so glad I got a job. The other day I made lots of good conversation with my coworkers. Not good because it was super in-depth or personal (I struggle with getting to this point in conversations), but good because I expressed myself well and felt comfortable not only with making conversation, but also with being myself and not engaging them in conversation when I didn't want to. I've read some books on making conversation to help myself improve, but I dislike and disagree with the philosophies of the books I've read. They really seem to promote the idea that "the world's best conversationalists are the world's best listeners." They focus so much on how you should ask questions and prompt them to speak more about themselves, but even when I ask open ended questions and try to relate to people so as not to make the conversation feel completely one-sided and interview-like, I am not successful in conversation and I don't feel like I'm expressing myself well (I come off as boring, plain, unoriginal). I'm told that people like talking about themselves, but christ if most people don't eventually get bored speaking just about themselves. I need to inject more of myself and my opinions into conversations instead of asking questions and feigning interest in them. If anyone has any good books on conversation that aren't centered on the "just act as if you're interested in other people and prompt them to speak about themselves", PLEASE recommend them.
  4. Thanks, fawn. I appreciate the support. That said, I'll keep this one short. Got a laptop, partially because I want to bring it to school to learn programming during my free periods, partially because I want privacy to go onto forums like this and pursue self-improvement without fear of someone watching over my shoulder. Found out there's a term for what's happening to me in the nofap community. It's called "flatlining" when your libido just goes down the drain. They say it's because your body isn't used to not having the dopamine porn provides and that eventually you will break out of it. I am still a bit worried about this, and it doesn't help that a few of them said it took them years to break their flatline. Yikes. I need to stop buying things. I bought art supplies then got bored of art, I bought a guitar then got tired of music, I bought weights then got tired of weightlifting. I've wasted a lot of money and now have plenty of things to do. For that reason, as soon as I buy wallpaper engine today, I am not going to buy ANYTHING unnecessary for a year. Exceptions - when I go out with friends and we get food, small gifts for others, etc. Besides those, I will not purchase anything I do not NEED or that is above $15 until 8/24/2019. I have plenty of things to do, plenty of materials for getting into hobbies. I need to stop buying. Hope you guys are having a good and productive week. 🙂
  5. I absolutely agree with this. Addiction is in the eye of the beholder when it comes to things that don't seriously negatively impact your life. I've often found that my reaction to my addiction is more damaging for my mental health than the addiction itself. Video games weren't good for me to play. They made me angry and dissuaded me from engaging with other people. However, video games weren't the ones that called me stupid and weak and undeserving of happiness. That was me. I shot my self-esteem in the foot, not video games. If you really think you're overdoing something, don't do it as much and don't make it out to be such a big deal in your mind. You're right, ordinary people get addicted to things all the time. The difference between us and them is that we consciously recognize our addictions and often hurt ourselves because of it. GL, brother.
  6. Where you @, Mattso? It's been a couple weeks, you doing alright?
  7. I love how to the point your posts are Mohammad, but know that you're free to explain your feelings about gaming or your journey in greater detail if you'd like. Good luck!
  8. Come to a bit of a realization regarding addiction lately, thought I'd share. I've been struggling to improve my relationship with my phone and to decrease my phone use. I haven't been very successful in the long-term. I made my phone gray-scale so I'd be less interested by colors, I removed games from my phone, I set limits for my usage. None of this helped for more than a few days, if even that. Then I figured it out: physical obstacles are not cures to our addictions. Making a physical barrier between me and my phone, even if it was as extreme as locking it in a safe for a month, would not solve my phone addiction. In the aforementioned hypothetical example, when the month was up and I took my phone out, I would've just become addicted again. Instead of trying to physically remove my access from my games, my phone, or any other vices I have, I should instead seek to understand why it is I am addicted. I understand that phone addiction and video game addiction and porn addiction are wrong for me. I can give you reasons. It's by a lack of awareness and thought that I pick up my phone, play video games, and watch porn. For this reason, I'm now trying to establish a habit of mindfulness in connection to these areas (phone and porn usage especially). I've gone so far as to take my phone lock-screen wallpaper and write "why?" on it to remind me to question why I'm picking up my phone every time I do. Unfortunately, I feel I may struggle with breaking my porn addiction so far as this strategy is concerned. Hormones literally change the way my brain operates. Every time I break my streak, I think about if I should beforehand and convince myself with logic that appeals to my desire in the moment that porn isn't that bad for me, that plenty of successful people watch it and do fine. Of course now, when I'm thinking clearly, I understand that porn is bad for me, that it warps my perspective on the value of women and that it rewires my dopamine receptors. It's difficult to remind myself of this when I want to watch it, though. Rode my bike this morning before work, felt good man. Starting coding a bit, learning Python. I'm struggling with it right now and it's hurting my ego. I can't help but feel stupid when there are tons of people on forums explaining issues I don't understand (like the use of the self argument in classes, for example) with what is, to them, the simplest of language and I don't understand it at all. Think I might be diving in too deep right now. I'm gonna tone it down and learn more slowly so I don't get discouraged. I'm sorry this post is so long. I know a lot of my posts are kind of long. The wall-of-text discourages people from reading my writing. In fact, if you've read through this entire post, I commend you on being one of the few that did. I want to have thorough, constructive discussions on recovering from addiction and on general self-improvement, but I never really have. Half my motivation for writing these posts is to make my thoughts more clear to myself. It's easy, being addicted, to get stuck in a grey area where you're not sure if you think your addiction is wrong, but don't know why. I write these posts as reminders for myself, my reasoning for quitting video games and for doing the things I do. I wish I had a friend that is committed to self-improvement like I am. All my friends couldn't care less about self-improvement. If any of you are in EST and wanna keep each other accountable for our habits (i.e. not playing video games, meditation, exercise, whatever), let me know and we can set something up. Hope you all have had a good week! Anyone got plans for the weekend?
  9. First and foremost, I'm sorry if what I wrote a few days ago or am writing to you today seem like attacks. I really don't mean for them to come off that way, it's just hard for me to consider the way someone might interpret my writing. That said: I'll agree with @JustTom in that if you believe your usage of what I called "weeaboo" language is okay, you should continue doing so. Your opinions and perspectives, so long they are founded on reason and have been carefully considered, should always trump that of other people, especially concerning your own well-being. That said, I stand by what I said and still think you shouldn't use it. I really have no statistics or names of psychological conditions to back up my claim that it might be negatively affecting your growth, but I can't help but feel as if it is. For one thing, anecdotal as this is, every person I know that uses language like you do is legitimately socially stunted. I am not joking. The people I've met at school that use language like yours are the people who never raise their hand in class, never communicate with anyone outside their 2-3 person friend-group, never really grow as a person. Perhaps using such language is a symptom of a larger issue and not the cause, but I'm not sure what the cause would be. Another thing I have against language like that: the gamequitters philosophy is really based on becoming less "escape" prone in your life. We are here because we use video games to escape from problems we have in real life. Your language is a reference, I can only assume, to anime communities and anime itself. I know this is a controversial opinion, but I think by using words like yours you're subconsciously indulging the fantasy of anime worlds. You're "escaping" in a sense to a universe that's brighter and simpler than the one we know. By using the language as if it is a standard, you're getting away from your real-world mindset, if only while writing your post. I could be completely off. I don't know you in real life. I don't know how you feel or if you have fantasies of living in an anime world. However, if you can relate to at least one piece of my thinking, take some time to consider why you use words like "uwu" and "hehe". Think about how you feel when you write those words as opposed to how you feel writing more accepted words. It's awesome that you've decided to take up a walk in the morning. For the first time in a while, I went on a bike ride this morning before work. It was really refreshing and nice to appreciate nature and to feel so connected to the world around me. Fingers crossed that both you and me can keep it up.
  10. @fawn_xoxo checked out those Socratic worksheets, I'll try one out the next time I find myself polarizing an issue (like gaming, nofap) that isn't quite as one-sided as I'd like to believe. I appreciate the advice. There's this belief central to Stoicism that it's our reaction and our interpretation of things that is the cause of our problems instead of the things themselves. I think this is especially true for those of us trying to break our addictions. Whatever we were addicted to was likely bad for us, given that we were trying to rid ourselves of it. However, by criticizing ourselves when we relapse and by being harsh toward our past selves for being addicted we make the problem much worse than it likely is and make it much harder to quit. Too bad it's not as easy to implement beliefs like that into our daily lives as it is to type them out, eh?
  11. Congrats on starting your journey to recovery. One piece of advice I might want to give you: I think it might be wise that you stop using what I'll call "weeaboo language" for lack of a better term. Randomly interjecting phrases like "hehe", "ehe", or "uwu" makes it hard for me (and maybe for others, I haven't heard anyone else nag on this so I don't know) to take your post and you as a person as seriously as I would like to.
  12. 7/1/2019 -------------------- I think I was right about me having an attitude problem with hobbies. I've started trying to approach my hobbies with a "do it if I want" instead of a "I need to do this" attitude and it seems to help me stay more relaxed. I'm starting to learn Javascript and I like the concept of being able to make my own app, so that's keeping me entertained. My job, although part-time, is also taking up a lot of my time, which is nice. My days don't feel unfulfilling when I have work because I'm almost constantly doing something. I also enjoy improving at socializing with people, and am trying to improve my small-talk skills right now. I know the point of this forum is resisting the urge to play video games, but I don't really get urges to play video games. I think I've successfully conditioned myself into believing that video games aren't good for me and make me unhappy, so my brain doesn't want them anymore. Who knows. I also said earlier I was starting nofap. I've been consistent with this, although it might just be because I've not gotten the urge to break my streak once. Kind of worries me lol. I'm a young man with presumably high amounts of hormones and I get NO urges to fap? Might've screwed up my libido somehow, yikes. I'm trying to set myself up with a couple new habits right now, taking it slowly because I know if I rush into it I won't stick with it. I'm trying to go to bed/eliminate technology usage by 8:30, read until 9:30, then fall asleep before 10:00 so I can wake up at 6:00am. I used to go to sleep even earlier than that for school, so I think the odds of me being successful in this are high. I'm also (for the 100th time) trying to establish a habit of meditation. I think I overdid it before with high requirements for the amount of time to meditate so this time I have no time requirement, I just ask myself that I meditate. Could be for 1 minute, but often times once I sit down I like it and want to do more. I think this will allow me to stick with it. Anyway, I hope you guys are doing well and have a good week. Anyone got plans for the 4th of July?
  13. I'm with Fawn and Nugget on this. Allowing yourself even a little time to play video games is starting down a slippery slope that we, addicts by our own admission, shouldn't begin. I'd warn very heavily against giving yourself just "a few minutes" to play or going with the voice in your head that tells you it's "not that bad" to play video games. Trust me, I've been there before. It's very easy to rationalize playing video games. You just tell yourself that they're not that bad and that you're not gonna play for that long. Unfortunately, that kind of thinking has always led me into relapse and into more wasted, unfulfilling time. I'd also recommend that you don't trying breaking or making too many habits at once. I haven't read up on habit making too much (perhaps Fawn could clarify this seeing as how she's read Atomic Habits), but I know if you try too many things at once you're a lot less likely to stick with them. Right now your focus should be breaking the habit of playing video games. Good luck in your journey brother, stay strong. 😄
  14. 6/28/2019 -------------------------- Aren't hobbies supposed to help you relax and unwind? They don't help me do that. I've tried doing art, I've tried speedsolving (rubik's cubes), I've tried reading (helps somewhat, but I can't fill all my time with it), I've recently bought a guitar and started playing, I've tried writing, and probably a dozen other things that are slipping my mind at the moment. I think there's something wrong with me if I can try so many hobbies that a vast majority of people enjoy and still get stressed out by them. I just want to relax. I cannot relax. I've started my job and it gives me frequent opportunities to socialize, which is nice. I'm actively trying to become more social. I feel so unfulfilled in my life right now. I make to do lists, but feel nothing when I accomplish the things on my to do lists. I make goals, but don't feel accomplished when I accomplish those goals. It's like I'm never good enough. I am constantly struggling to find any semblance of meaning in my life. Please help. In case you couldn't tell, I'm going through a bit of a rough patch. Some other posters recommended permanently deleting my accounts. I was scared to delete my accounts because I thought it would hurt my relationship with my brother. I decided to do it anyway. Turns out, deleting accounts is a bit time-consuming and complicated. I needed to have the credit card # used for purchases to delete my steam account, so I asked my mom for it as I don't have a card and have been using hers. She, the person who has told me for years that I spend too much time on the computer and who has witnessed me slowly descend into addiction and social alienation, told me that I shouldn't delete my account and that I should just "have some willpower". My brother told me I'd end up playing them again anyway. Jesus Christ they frustrate me. I admit that I'm jealous of people on these forums who have support from their families and friends because everyone I've talked to IRL about video game addiction doesn't believe its real or doesn't understand that I'm trying to better myself. I'm almost positive I've done the right thing (I deleted my Blizzard Account and changed the email on my Steam to a random one I don't have access to so I can't use it anymore), but it's hard to stay convinced of that when everyone around you tells you you're wrong. I'm so glad this community exists because otherwise I really wouldn't have any positive feedback at all about quitting video games. Anyway, hope you guys are having a good week. What plans do you guys have for the weekend? Have any of you struggled with finding meaning in life?
  15. Don't worry, after you stop playing video games for a while (can't give you a specific time frame because all brains are so different), real life starts to get more fulfilling. You get more perspective on video games and realize just how meaningless they are. Something I like to remind myself of time to time when I get urges (which is pretty rare at this point, maybe one real one every couple weeks) is that I spent thousands of hours playing video games and I legitimately have nothing to show for it. No real gaming friends, no skills (except perhaps being able to type fast), nothing that translates to real life Keep going man, it's worth it.
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