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Phoenixking

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Day 14. "A big change incoming" 

12 pushups & 24 situps per day - Still going strong, haven't skipped a single rep.

So Elien has moved in. The experiment commences! I have yet to clean the living room/kitchen because we've both been away all weekend. I had a freelance gig I had to attend to and she tagged along for the ride. I had to host a small music festival, loads of fun. Got me just over 400 bucks in 1 weekend. Pretty happy. I'll easily make the end of the month with this. I was supposed to drive back and forth but in the end she booked us a really fancy hotel. The room was 200, but we got it for 90 because of last minute discounts. Split in 2, it was cheaper than driving back home and returning. And it allowed us to explore the city a little bit. Turns out, there was a food festival going on! I even visited my old coffee place where I used to barrista! A lovely weekend, big time. Lots of spontaneity and adrenaline.

I have 15 days to write my radio programme. I haven't jotted a single letter down so far. I'm both terrified and excited. I work well under pressure, though. I'm making cleaning my place up my priority right now, and there's still some comedy to write. But I'm sure that after a few days I'll be fully absorbed by the radio programme. If I don't get started this week, I might be in trouble. But then again, I am home all day, every day. I have way more time than I used to.

I was a bit worried about money until a day ago. Now that I figure I'll make it to the end of the month, I'm feeling pretty happy. Though I can still feel my brain going through detox. But that's only normal. I'm only 2 weeks in.

Recent highlight: Accidentally stumbling upon the food festival with my girlfriend and making a great date out of it.

Budget status: I still need to get back into the habit of noting my daily spending. But with this new gig I did, I should be fine for now.

My one goal for the next 24h: Clean this place up and finish that task finally. And maaaaaybe get some more things done. But the cleaning is the minimum I want to try and achieve.

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14 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 14. "A big change incoming" 

12 pushups & 24 situps per day - Still going strong, haven't skipped a single rep.

So Elien has moved in. The experiment commences! I have yet to clean the living room/kitchen because we've both been away all weekend. I had a freelance gig I had to attend to and she tagged along for the ride. I had to host a small music festival, loads of fun. Got me just over 400 bucks in 1 weekend. Pretty happy. I'll easily make the end of the month with this. I was supposed to drive back and forth but in the end she booked us a really fancy hotel. The room was 200, but we got it for 90 because of last minute discounts. Split in 2, it was cheaper than driving back home and returning. And it allowed us to explore the city a little bit. Turns out, there was a food festival going on! I even visited my old coffee place where I used to barrista! A lovely weekend, big time. Lots of spontaneity and adrenaline.

I have 15 days to write my radio programme. I haven't jotted a single letter down so far. I'm both terrified and excited. I work well under pressure, though. I'm making cleaning my place up my priority right now, and there's still some comedy to write. But I'm sure that after a few days I'll be fully absorbed by the radio programme. If I don't get started this week, I might be in trouble. But then again, I am home all day, every day. I have way more time than I used to.

I was a bit worried about money until a day ago. Now that I figure I'll make it to the end of the month, I'm feeling pretty happy. Though I can still feel my brain going through detox. But that's only normal. I'm only 2 weeks in.

Recent highlight: Accidentally stumbling upon the food festival with my girlfriend and making a great date out of it.

Budget status: I still need to get back into the habit of noting my daily spending. But with this new gig I did, I should be fine for now.

My one goal for the next 24h: Clean this place up and finish that task finally. And maaaaaybe get some more things done. But the cleaning is the minimum I want to try and achieve.

Big steps. Good luck with the move in and I hope things go well. Maybe you can set a reminder during the day to track your spending in your google calendar?

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Day 15. "You are allowed to panic." 

12 pushups & 24 situps per day - Still going strong, haven't skipped a single rep. Might up this to 13/26 one of these days.

I ran into a bit of a wall last night. I was pissy, emotional, easily aggravated. We were spending our first evening together at my place and it was clear that I was angry about something, I just couldn't figure it out. She asked if it was something she did, I said it wasn't. It was small things at first. Her leaving lights on and exiting rooms. Having to spend 20 whole minutes waiting for her to come back from selecting her outfit for the day after, only to realize she still had to iron her clothes, ... I'm rather well organized nowadays. I used to be chaotic like that too. So it bugged me because I just wanted to have some peace and quiet and sit down and watch The Boys (holy shit, so good, go watch it).

After she'd went to bed, I confessed that I felt guilty. She was going to bed and I was staying up and it was making me go crazy. It didn't feel right. 

I had some sake, watched some more of the series, calmed down and spent a while conversing with myself why I was so upset. 

And then it hit me.

I'm uncomfortable because now she's going to see every little ugly side of me. I will no longer be able to hide the dirty little secrets that I still struggle to fully accept from myself. How much alcohol I drink. How late I go to bed and how late I wake up. How much time I spend on the computer. How anal I am about being somewhere on time. I'm terrified of showing these sides because I still haven't fully accepted them myself. But now I can't hide. It's going to be out there soon. She's going to see it. And that scares me a whole lot. Enough to be very, very uncomfortable.

So it's probably a bit too soon to move in together 😛 But I'm totally giving this my all. And it's an experiment after all, we've talked about this. If it fails, it fails. It's a win-win. Either we're ready for it and that's a good thing and we can start planning to find a cool new appartment. Or we learn that we're not ready and we'll still love each other and it will help us grow as a couple. And I know she has those dirty, ugly secret sides too. And I know she'll love me despite my shit and I'll love her despite hers. It's just that this is some sort of speedbump I need to get across. 

I'll have a talk with her tonight about all of this. We'll be fine. I just need to say it out loud, I guess.

Recent highlight: The entire appartment is completely spotless!

Budget status: I am happy that the gig paid so well. I can breathe for a while. Now to get that welfare money sorted out.

My one goal for the next 24h:Go shopping and do my daily routine. But also finish some to dos. The biggest one would be to get some words on paper for my radio program.

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Day 16. "Roaring to go." 

12 pushups & 24 situps per day - Still going strong, haven't skipped a single rep. Might up this to 13/26 one of these days.

Talked things out with the girlfriend. Everything is fine now ^^ I guess we just needed to put things out there.

Got a haircut today and made a video to add to my resumé by QR-code. I've also laid out the basic story structure for my radio show. I'm hoping to get some more work done today/tonight. I stayed up til 4 am. I keep going to bed later and later. But I notice that I'm being incredibly productive. Shit's getting done pretty quickly. I also had a phone call about my welfare money coming in. Look like I'm set for this month and the next unless something really major happens.

I'm feeling more and more energetic lately. I've been really getting more shit done. If I'm allowed to work on my own terms and on my own rythm, I can do some pretty cool things. My place is spotless, fresh food in the fridge, I sleep 8 hours on average, I do my workouts and I'm feeling happy, positive, and I look pretty. Beard is well kept, clothes are stylish and fashionable. It seems I really deed need some recovery. I still have about 13 days to go for my radio show needs to be finished but I'm feeling very positive about life right now. 

Recent highlight: Finished the story structure on the radio show and discovered I'd be getting my full paycheck for this month as if I were to have worked like normal. 

Budget status: Come next week, I'm going to start saving more. Apart from actually important bills like water or groceries, I'm only going to give myself an allowance of 50 bucks per week for stuff like theater, drinking, eating out or anything of those sorts.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try and get the first dialogues written for my show, current working title is 'Fake News'.

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Day 21. "Three weeks." 

13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Only didn't do them once, but caught up in the morning. Amped it up to 13/26.

Living together with another person quickly shows you their ugly sides. I've never felt so naked or annoyed by little things. Like the way she vaccuums or does things in my kitches. I'm very self-reliant and selfsufficient. I had to be, I was thrown into the deep at a young age. She has the opposite. Her parents had trouble conceiving, lost her twin brother in utero and her sister has a heart condition. Her parents are véry doting, helicopter-type people. They've never considered their kids as fellow adults. They even tried sending her 26-year old ass to her room a while back when she was visiting. I think she's never been able to make decisions straightforwardly because her parents always took that responsability away from her. Now that she's older cutting through problems is a weakness of her because her parents never allowed her to grow that muscle. 

I was tired, she was tired. We fought again. Well, it's more like we went between being snappy and sharp and feeling bad and being loving again. We talked about it before we went to sleep and cleared it all out. On the one hand it's not a pleasant process. On the other, it proves that we can go through stuff and talk it out, every single time. I feel like there's a good base here, despite all these little flecks of frustration.

Recent highlight: Nearing the first deadline of my radio show. It's coming together nicely but still requires a lot of work.

Budget status: This is the first week where I'm limiting myself to a 50 bucks allowance each week (apart from important nescessities). I'm going to try and save to get a new laptop.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get the story actually written out. It's all in my head, but I need more words on paper to show the producers I can deliver. I've already gotten some story elements for the other 8 episodes, but the first is finished. I just need to actually write it >.>

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Day 22. "Whatever you do, just don't ..." 

13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Got new exercises from my physical therapist yesterday. My body stil aches. I hope that doing these daily will make me stronger and more fit. I can already notice a slight improvement here and there 🙂 

I was up late again last night. I didn't really have anything major to do. I just didn't want to go to sleep. I feel like I was panicking, like I couldn't calm down. My belly ached, my head hurt and was ringing. It felt as if I was so oddly terrified of going to sleep. Fearful of not being able to blissfully lie down and calmly drift off. Which is kind of ironic because I was basically panicking that I couldn't be calm enough. I took a lot of effort, but I fell asleep after a while. It's now clear to me that I should probably keep a different rythm and being a night owl isn't all that great. I'm going to try and go to bed with my girlfriend now and wake up when she does too. It might make things better, or not. But it's worth a try.

I still feel rather conflicted. It's hard to be kind to myself right now. It's like alot of joy was slorped up. I think it's my brain battering its cage, looking for a fix, angry that it can't get what it's been used to for years. I hope to turn this day around and pick myself up a little, but I'm afraid it's not going to be easy. I'm going to try not to binge any series or watch any anime. Doing my exercises and cleaning up a bit around the house are the first things on the list, those should help. And there's a cool podcast about Wolverine that I'm going to listen to.

The radio programme is proressing. I just hope I'll be ready by the 20th. It seems that I'm going to have to make it a serious priority for now. Working on it daily would be good. I just hope I going to be able to muster up the energy and keep the flow going.

 

Recent highlight: I played a wizard character at last night's D&D-session. I was filling in for somebody. Was lots of fun to be the host for 7 people. I like having guests.

Budget status: Saved about 5 bucks last week so this week I have 55 to spend. I might cap this at about 100 or something and try to funnel everything above an allowance of 100 to my savings account.

My one goal for the next 24h: write at least 10 minutes of my radio program. If need be, just 5 words and 9 minutes of staring at the screen.

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Day 23. "Why is this so hard? I tought I had this." 

13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Body is coming along nicely. It hurts, sure. But my therapist says I should be proud that I'm kicking ass. I'll be able to return to Krav Maga in a few weeks. 

Writing the radio show is hard. Damn. I started doing more research and got hooked on Wolverine, The Long Night. What a podcast! Suddenly I realize that I'm in way over my head. I can write jokes and be funny, do some voices but I am suddenly very humbled by it all. But still, I'm willing to press on. I have 1 week left to finish everything. I feel like it's doable. All I have to do, is just keep plugging away at it. I hope...

My sleep pattern is kind of fucked right now. It's messy and chaotic. Makes sense if you think about it. It's not easy as pie to switch from going to sleep at 4 am to doing so at 10 pm. Once again, just keep plugging away at it.

I notice something had changed in my brain. I hunger less for porn or erotic images. It's waning. Slowly but surely. I'm still a ways off from 90 days, though. I might go 90 days without sugar or maybe without alcohol after this. We'll see. Either way, it seems that I'm really trying my best, failure after failure after succes, to become a better human. It's just that sometimes the road is steeper that I had thought and that can be a bummer.

Recent highlight: Discovering the Wolverine podcast, holy shit.

Budget status: My new resumé got me a gig this weekend. I'm readying my paperwork to reel some cash in. It's looking like it's going to be a healthy month. Unexpected nice surprise!

My one goal for the next 24h: Write for at least another 10 minutes.

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It’s always nice to see that you’re getting better every day. And congratulations on the new gig! Your radio show sounds like an interesting project, and I’m sure it’s much better than you think it is. You’ll have to let me know if it ever makes it onto the air so I can tune in!

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On 8/14/2019 at 7:18 PM, Deku said:

It’s always nice to see that you’re getting better every day. And congratulations on the new gig! Your radio show sounds like an interesting project, and I’m sure it’s much better than you think it is. You’ll have to let me know if it ever makes it onto the air so I can tune in!

Thanks man! The next 2 days will probably be quite stressful. But I'm sure I'll manage. I like what I do and am eager to make the best out of it. Nobody expects me to be a radio wizard on day 1. It's going to be in Dutch, though XD I've been told it will air live and then, because it's a radioplay like 'War Of The Worlds', it's going to be brought out like a podcast. So I'm sure you might be able to get it if you were so inclined.

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Day 27. "Business vs pleasure" 

13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Been losing a bit of weight. Because of how busy I've been and how tired I've been and how late I arrived at home, I missed a day, the first one. And yesterday the second one because I was so tired. Today I'm writing like a maniac to get my deadline, so I might lose another day to that. I hope to reset this habit soon. 

 

I've been postponing the writing often. I usually search for whatever needs doing, chores, etc... I do those first, so I'm spending my time rather productively instead of scrolling my phone mindlessly. But it's still procrastination. My deadline is this Tuesday. I'm a little bit scared. Or stressed. But I'm sure it'll be fine.

 

Recent highlight: Watching Chernobyl, in the middle of a blanket fort, with my girlfriend. Soooooo comfortable. I love my couch when it's pulled out all the way.

Budget status: It's going to be a good month. Had a few last minute bookings. I'm making 1500 before taxes from my freelancing. If I could improve this 1 more step and keep it up, I could do this full time. We're very much not at that point yet. But this is a step in the right direction.

My one goal for the next 24h: Write. Write like my life depends on it. Trigger some form of creative mania and lose myself in that madness and make an amazing product. 

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Day 28. "D-Day" 

13 pushups & 26 situps per day - I did my reps yesterday and I think I may have hurt my foot a little bit... I am seeing my physical therapist in 2 days, so I'm sure I'll be fine. I've hurt it before and after a day or two it all resets again. I just have to make sure I do my reps today and not lose my momentum.

Today has been quite productive. I'm trying to get into the habit of waking up when my girlfriend wakes up to leave for work. We had a breakfast date yesterdaymorning at 8, which gave us all of Sunday to do what we wanted. It turns out, sleeping 8 hours and waking up at a decent time really gives you a good feeling. It's like there's all these extra hours, all of a sudden. I might try to become more of a day-person than a night-person.

The deadline is tomorrow. I've gotten some feedback so I can write my second draft in a minute. Then I'll rewrite it and send the producers my third draft and hope that we can tape it. I'm rather nervous. Making 8 more episodes would be wild but also incredibly challenging. I also have my improv classes in less than a month and I haven't prepped anything yet. Add to that that there's freelance gigs all over my planner and by the end of the month, I might get taken off of sickness leave and thus would be forced to either continue my part-time job, quit and still grind my teeth and stress out for 6 more weeks or would have to find something else asap. I'd like to fantasize that I'd make the bills by freelancing and focussing fully on it. But I've been doing that for 2 months now and progress is slow. I'm scared that one day I'll have to admit that maybe this lifestyle just isn't for me. Maybe I need some help getting started somehow?

 

Recent highlight: Getting a meringue burner. I'm making a lemon cake this week. Crunchy bottom part, lemon cream in the middle and topped of with toasted meringue. Fuck I love cooking.

Budget status: Saved my first money this week using my weekly allowance. And also, my checkings account was looking okay, so I stashed another 100 on my savings account. I'm slowly trying to build up my accounts again.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get my second draft done. Do something else. Then get my third draft done and send it in.

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Day 29. "Pound Cake" 

13 pushups & 26 situps per day - I hurt my foot, saw the physical therapist and it all worked out. He showed me, once again, that my foot is okay and that lots of it is in my head. Véry odd. I KNOW that it hurts and that I should be careful. And yet there I am, every time, doing the exercises with him in his practice. Such a mindfuck.

I made the deadline. Like a true writer, I finished my second draft and then let go. I wandered the city, ran some errands, got some ideas and finished my third draft based on those musings. Now we play the waiting game.

I spent the better part of the day cooking. Holy shit, I love cooking. Typical local dish with chicken broth and a bunch of veggies, cut julienne, and some cream. Meal prepped the hell out of it and now we have about 2 kilos of the stuff ready to munch. I also finished the dough for the lemon meringue pie that I'll be making tomorrow. It needs to rest for a night. 

I had a véry productive day. No series, no movies, no binging, no podcasts. Utter focus, all day long. It's wiped me out, though, but being as tired as I am right now makes sure that I'll sleep a lot better.

Recent highlight: Finishing the third draft while searching frantically for just the right songs to accompany the story. It's for radio, so the music is super important. Ended up finding a bunch of Westworld-style jewels.

Budget status: I may have gotten another gig on Thursday. It's like it's raining money all of a sudden!

My one goal for the next 24h: Make that lemon cake! And also prep for the D&D-sesson of the evening. I have some story to write and I might go out and get my world map printed ^^

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Day 35. "A new brain"

13 pushups & 26 situps per day - I didn't do these as much this weekend. So incredulously busy. I have physical therapy today, though. So I'll catch up soon enough.

It was an incredibly busy weekend. First off, my lemon tart with meringue topping failed. Horribly. The crust and filling were okay. But the meringue gave me a huge issue. First off, I wanted to make sure it would be scorched/browned properly. So I shelled out some cash to get a meringue burner. But it turns out that the one I bought, was empty. No fuel. I spent 6 hours finding fuel for it. Supermarkets told me they aren't allowed to carry them anymore and that I needed a DIY-store. I went from walking, to biking around to driving around. In the end, I went to the supermarket I got the burner from to get my money back, after I had gotten another one from another store. Turns out they sell the fuel anyway. 6 hours lost. Then whilst cooking, it turned out that meringue is fucking hard to make. I ended up wasting about a dozen eggs, duct taping my drill to the whisker, bothering my neighbour, burning the sugar, filling the apartment with a horrible stench and leaving the kitchen in an apocalyptic state for my girl to come home in, only to rush the pies into the oven and leave for my now woefully underprepared D&D-session. Shitty day.

The rest of the weekend was fun. I had a gig and got paid handsomely. The day after was spent with friends in the sun, with great burgers. The night was spent doing karaoke with a live band accompanying the event (AMAZING!) and Sunday with friends again in the sun, paddleboarding and bbq'ing. My voice is shot and my legs hurt like hell. But a great weekend.

My libido has gone up. My brain seems to be resetting in some way. I think it's because I haven't been using that many artificial stimulants anymore. My brain seems to be recovering and I assume it's returning to a more natural and healthy state. In 10 days, I'll have broken my personal record of 45 days without games or porn. I'm not going to lie, it still itches. But I'm getting better and better at dealing with triggers.

Recent highlight: The paddleboarding was so much fun. Holy shit. Everybody kept fucking around with it and I had tears from laughter. Watching people fall will never bore me.

Budget status: I was on my way to doing things properly. But it seems that paying everything by cash is not the right way. I should find some kind of budgetting app to help me save more money. I'm open to suggestions!

My one goal for the next 24h: See the doctor, get paperwork, and get some other stuff done, like cleaning.

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Day 42. "Down with some sickness"

13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Been sick for almost a week now. I look forward to returning to Krav Maga training. But I've been physically rather messed up too much to exercise.

I've been rather sick since the middle of last week. It's still not cleared up fully, but at least there's no more fever. It's slowed me down, but I've let it. Dialing it down a bit and recovering is smarter than powering my way through it. Sadly, clinging to that type of self-care is not exactly my strong suit.

My computer broke down AGAIN. The next year might be a bit erratic in terms of money. So if I do end up actually needing a new one, I hope I'll actually be able to afford one.

My girlfriend and I are doing great. Living together is going well and we're looking into making things a bit more permanent. The main issue here would be that we both already have signed a contract, since we're both renting our places. I've lived here for a little over a year and she's only been in hers since March 2019. We've agreed that we need a new apartment that both of us feel good in and if we'd do things like that, it wouldn't feel like one of us is giving up their space for the other. I've been there. Moving to a new place that we've both picked and like together is a better move. But so that means we have to pay a pretty big fine. Mine is about 1500 bucks, her is about 2100 bucks. That's because we're moving out before the contract ends. We both know it sucks, but it's smarter that one of us take that hit, we both pay the fine together and we'll make up for that money in a couple of month because we'll be saving money by only having to pay for 1 apartment anymore. It's a little bit vague right now what our strategy is going to be. If one of the landlords is willing to let it slide if we provide him with somebody to take over the contract, we'd be okay. So time'll tell, I guess.

I'm a bit scared of what will happen on the 18th. I might get to hear that I'm free and will never have to go back to the office again. Freelancing in combination with unemployment money will cover what I need. My career is looking a bit more promising but all of it still needs lots of work. And there's been a lightbulb. My physical therapist asked me for help. He had to make a speech at his friend's wedding and asked me to coach him, for money. I was actually looking forward to that. I've now realized I should start a practice as a business owner and start teaching people the difference between talking and speaking. How to speak with conviction, how to address a group or a business meeting or a bunch of shareholders. I would love to be able to coach people. I'm looking forward to getting some form of education and some help setting things up. I might go all in on the career thing and leave the office and temping shit behind if I can somehow make this work.

I'm restarting my stand-up end of the month. I'm a bit rusty and rather nervous. But I saw an opportunity and I seized it. There's good money to be made if you can be funny. I was approached by a local coffee bar owner who wanted some entertainment. I sold him on the idea of doing an open mic night, once a month. I would arrange things for him and he'd fund it. This would give me a guaranteed spot every month to practice.


There's been no porn for a while now and  I'm very happy about that. We're almost to 45 days, which is personal record. In a new days, I'll be setting a new milestone, yay!

However, as one milestone comes, another one falls. I was so cripplingly sick, unable to sleep and losing my perception of time. I couldn't sleep, couldn't read, couldn't do anything. Purgatory. Just locked in my living room with a busted up body. Time was moving sooooooo slowly... I installed a mobile game for my phone. I played it for a few hours until my girl came home, just to kill some time. I really wanted to fast forward time so badly, I was losing my shit. I thought I had it under control, that it was a one-time thing. I'm so happy actualy games are no longer an option due to the lack of hardware. I played the day after that and today again. All of them were crappy, silly things. I just wanted to feel some kind of challenge, some kind of competition. Tactics and such. I feel bad about it. I should really try and find something to patch that hole and come up with something that stimulates that side of my brain without games. Maybe Krav Maga will help me out again soon. When I'm all healed up, I'm going to go back to exercising.

 

Recent highlight: I'm sooooo into this new podcast, a hearplay about some kind of zombie apocalypse. 'We're alive'. It's so good.

Budget status: Since the computer is busted I can't divulge details. But I made rent this month and there's more coming in soon, if all goes well. And my 50 bucks per week budgetting is going well. That reminds me I should probably put the month easily.

My one goal for the next 24h: If I'm sick, lie down and chill. If not, tackle problems as I usually do and enjoy life.

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11 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I installed a mobile game for my phone. I played it for a few hours until my girl came home, just to kill some time. I really wanted to fast forward time so badly, I was losing my shit. I thought I had it under control, that it was a one-time thing. I'm so happy actualy games are no longer an option due to the lack of hardware. I played the day after that and today again. All of them were crappy, silly things. I just wanted to feel some kind of challenge, some kind of competition. Tactics and such. I feel bad about it. I should really try and find something to patch that hole and come up with something that stimulates that side of my brain without games.

          I haven't been bed sick in a while but I haven't even thought once what i would do if I was in bed all day. Movies and tv can only get so far because our brains are ready to work and be simulated! I think what you did was alright, as long as you can uninstall the games on your phone easily and move on once your feeling better then it shows that this program is helping you. Don't let a couple days on your phone get you down especially while you were sick. It's all good and just get to feeling better! Lots of rest and water that's the best medicine! Good luck!

Edited P.S. A good stimulated game to play every once and a while is chess. Might be a bit slow paced but it gets the brain thinking!

Edited by Tzen1
Added P.S.
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Day 50. "So. Fucking. Busy."

13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Messed up my shoulder. I want to get back to exercising, but I have to wait for it to heal. UGH.

I've finally healed. The first day I was okay, I got swept up in all of my shit that I had to do. Improv, podcast, work, administration... I don't work at the office anymore and yet somehow I'm more busy nowadays. It's a little bit taxing on the one hand. But on the other hand I really need to tire myself out during the day to be able to fall asleep. I notice I have a lot of energy and it really needs to be used up or I'll just stay up late and fuck up my sleep. For a freelancer, it's been a busy two months and it's not looking like it's going to get any quieter. So that's good! I've engaged a graphic designer to create a great resumé and personal brand for me. I'm going to try and become a full-time badass freelancer, but I'm also a little bit terrified. I have so many plans. I just hope this works out.

I have a comedy night at the end of this month. My own creation. So that means I have now a monthly platform to test my own material. And another thing to put on the resumé. My improv teaching starts this week and will be a bi-weekly thing for 10 classes. Next week this time, I'll learn what the specialist tells me about my sanity and returning to the office, but it looks like the office doesn't really want me back. Fine by me. Depending on the situation I'll either quit and pick up a temp job to get some unemployment money, apply for a special stature of artist-freelancer or maybe start my own business.

In any case, financially and in terms of life goals and my relationship, things are going like a racetrack. Fast and scary, but making it with leaps and bounds. My girl is a rock and a lifesaver. With a dual income household, we can manage more cool shit. But we have to move in together first. We might be better off in the long run because we'll be able to split the costs on almost everything (including my biggest costs: my insurance and my car). But we'll have to bite the bullet for a year first. Since both of us will have to pay a fine for breaking our renting contracts and moving away. I'm hoping to sway my landlord in some way and I still have a few tricks up my sleeve to sweeten the deal.

My personal computer is still broken. I can do a lot with my phone and with my girl's computer, thank god. But not everything was backed up and my girl's pc is very slow. I need some power to do what I do. I might get a new one but since there's so many things going on at the same time, I'm just not sure if I can afford something like that.

The relationship is going great. We both take things seriously, communicate well and listen to each other. We do tend to get stressed out, though. I allow myself to get absorbed into the 1000 projects and social media messages. She puts a lot of pressure on herself and needs a bit more of a backbone at work, she keeps underestimating herself and stressing out. But nobody is without flaws and it does seem to be a disease that a lot of millenials carry around.

I've broken my record of being porn-free for 45 days. We're at 50 now! Games aren't really an issue. I sometimes miss it a little bit because it was a handy way to let off some steam. I'll be happy to return to Krav Maga soon. But my shoulder needs to heal first. I broke down a while back when I was totally bedridden and played a few mobile games. I took it seriously, though and confessed to my girl. I secretly kept playing them a few days longer. But after I healed, I returned to my busy and healthier lifestyle. Quitting porn was a good move. But I can often still feel my brain nagging me for a fix. It's véry difficult to resist. If anybody has a good NSFW-image blocker for my phone, I'd appreciate it. Right now, I'm trying to focus on getting my life into the next gear so an image or two every so often, is something I'm allowing. For now. I've learned that I should not be lenient towards little things like that. But I've also learned that you can't push yourself too hard because kicking a habit can be taxing in many ways. And I'm at a critical time in my life and I don't want to amp up the pressure.

 

Recent highlight: My girl and I participated in an academic study that looked for couples who could resolve conflicts. It turned out that it was véry difficult for us two to find something to fight about. We seem to be very kind and understanding towards each other.

Budget status: The freelancing is rather lucrative nowadays. It's good month and I hope to keep up the streak. Unfortunately, my budget file is on my busted computer. So once again, I can't continue. But using my 50 bucks per week rule, is really yielding results.

My one goal for the next 24h: Do my gig well tonight and be as productive tomorrow as I am being today.

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Hey @Phoenixking ! It's been long since I read you journal.

On 9/10/2019 at 5:25 PM, Phoenixking said:

I've broken my record of being porn-free for 45 days. We're at 50 now! Games aren't really an issue. I sometimes miss it a little bit because it was a handy way to let off some steam. I'll be happy to return to Krav Maga soon. But my shoulder needs to heal first. I broke down a while back when I was totally bedridden and played a few mobile games. I took it seriously, though and confessed to my girl. I secretly kept playing them a few days longer. But after I healed, I returned to my busy and healthier lifestyle. Quitting porn was a good move. But I can often still feel my brain nagging me for a fix. It's véry difficult to resist. If anybody has a good NSFW-image blocker for my phone, I'd appreciate it. Right now, I'm trying to focus on getting my life into the next gear so an image or two every so often, is something I'm allowing. For now. I've learned that I should not be lenient towards little things like that. But I've also learned that you can't push yourself too hard because kicking a habit can be taxing in many ways. And I'm at a critical time in my life and I don't want to amp up the pressure.

That's great! There will be temptations, but man, you are squashing them! 😃 A NSFW-image blocker is actually a fantastic idea, as it could be a helpful tool to combat pornography and mitigating its effects, especially mentally and psychologically. Keep it up with your record.

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Day 59. "Extension."

My shoulder is still messed up. I have been craving Krav Maga like crazy. I need some exercise to let off some steam. As soon as I'm healed, I'll start it up again. I can feel it getting better, but the progress is slow. I've started going to weekly improv classes again and I teach a class every two weeks. It's a great way to make an extra buck. I get 50 per lesson I teach. It's also a good way to see people more and have a laugh.

I went to see the doctor that decided on my situation. Last time I saw him, he was nice, kind, listening, understanding and supportive. But this time he was cold, distant and plane unprofessional. He'd forgotten to schedule an appointment last month, making me extend this crap situation for another 4 weeks. But this time he had the gall to tell me that I was wasting his time. I bit my tongue instead of his. After all, he's the one in control of it all for now. He told me I was supposed to get help for my bore-out and that I was supposed to have gotten some document from my doctor that detemines how permanent my situation is. To be fair, the same document that said that also said I was supposed to bring all of the scans, radiology reports, and so on. I just assumed that it wasn't something I had to do. If I'd broken some bone or gotten sight or hearing issues, sure, that I get. But this? I was so confused. When I saw him last time, we ran through all I needed to do, I did all those things, gotten a testimony from my doctor, one from my job coach, ... Ugh.

After that hot mess I got into a higher gear and put my war face on. I found every single organisation that could help me out. I saw my doctor this morning and explained it all, she said she'd call him, send him that document and got me in touch with a shrink. I also went to the offices of the union and explained all of it too. They told me what my options and best moves are right now. I'm about to finish sending the final email. In total I'll have been on paid sick leave from June to November. I hope to hell that they'll finally allow me to quit without repercussions.

My girlfriend and I are doing swimmingly. The living together is going fine. I've never felt so scared of losing somebody or fucking up a good thing. She takes everything like a champ. I would sacrifice so much for that girl. The next year is going to be crazy. We'll need a new car because mine is causing to much pollution. But I've been teaching her to drive and together with her teacher, she's getting over her fear of driving. I'm so proud of her. We'll end up probably owning and paying for a car together. So that's another cost cut in half, but it'll obviously require an investment first. Same goes with us living together. It's going to be better in the long run, and cheaper, and it's going to be great. But we'll have to suck up the costs of breaking one of our contracts first. And then there's me investing in my own business. If I want to have a website built, have a healthy plan, ... It's also going to cost me. It's going to benefit my mental health and hopefully help me make more money.

It's all a little bit stressy and hazy. I haven't relapsed, thank hell. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we handle it amazingly. I guess just like any couple would. There was some mobile games that popped up a few days/weeks ago, but I'm okay now. No porn either. Some images and lewd subreddits, though. But I'm not sure it'd be wise to tackle that hurdle right now. Call it a temporary nescessary evil. But I'm aware of it and am willing to filter that out of my habits too.

 

Recent highlight: Told my girl that I'm scared and wanted to provide for her. That I don't want the pressure and stress to slowly consume us. That I'm scared, not because I think I won't be able to handle it, but because I care so friggin' much. I don't know what I'd do if I'd lose her. She was so kind and loving while I opened up to her.

Budget status: The 50 per week is going well. I'm really saving money now. I did splurge majorly, though. There's this thing that comes once a year where you can go have dinner or lunch at a fancy restaurant that noted in the Gault Millault guide for just 50 bucks. I'm going 4 times 😛 I kind of regret it, but it's cool. 3 more weeks of not going out for drinks and we'll be fine.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get the next steps of the battle plan up and running. And prep for this weekend, since I'll be acting again. Yay!

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Day 66. "Slipping into something."

I don't really know what's up yet... The last few weeks, I feel like I've been slipping into something. A funk, a period with lower energy, a rutt? Is it stress? I'm not sure yet.

As of today, I've been off porn for 66 days. I've played a few mobile games, sadly, and there are some lewd subreddits that I visit just a tad too much in my opinion. But all in due time.

I got yet another extension of my sick leave. I've been gone from the office since June. Talked to my doctor again, saw a psychologist, ... I try to make sure I jump through all of the hoops they present me. But all this red tape is wearing me out. I'm so eager to start the next chapter and try to be a speaking coach. But I'm running a bit low on energy. I'm not sure why yet. I am going to try to journal more frequently and give myself more structure. Right now the house is a mess, my planning is rather demanding and I have multiple cool projects in the works. But there's also lots of big stuff coming my way. All of it awesome, don't get me wrong, but all require an investment of energy, dedication, time and money. I feel tiring, like I'm leaking. And I need to find the hole and patch it quickly.

I'll start with cleaning this place up a bit, having a shower, some water to drink and practice my standup comedy. I'll cook some fish later and leave a plate for my girl because I'll have to leave. I have an improv gig tonight and the place is sold out. So fucking cool. I'm pretty sure I can handle this funk. But I'm also pretty sure I can only handle it, if I journal daily. I need daily reminders of what's important. Daily conversations with myself to find out how I feel, what I need and how I'll manage the day. I'm not fine right now, I'm not okay right now and that's okay. I will be. I just have to make sure I get back up again, slowly and step by step. Starting with cleaning up a bit, a shower, cooking the fish and doing the improv gig.

 

Recent highlight: My girl threw me a surprise birthday cake coffee party. I got loads of cool D&D- and coffee-related gifts. She had had a Marvel cake made. That girl is marriage material, right there. I can easily imagine spending my life with her. Her heart is huge. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve her.

Budget status: Been keeping an eye on things. Looking okay. Been saving a bit but not much. Progress is slow. I could really use some gigs. Been focussing on the whole docter/sick leave stuff so getting gigs has been on the back burner. My energy is not infinite. I'll make rent this month, I think. But last month I saved up about 200 bucks. Pretty sure this month and next one won't be like that. I hope to make it through without having to break my piggy bank.

My one goal for the next 24h: Nail the improv gig tonight.

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Day 68. "Dark omens."

I said I'd try journaling more often, and yesterday I skipped it. I got a call in the morning. My doctor told me that getting to leave my office due to medical reasons won't be an option. The whole administrative process is now shut down. Officially, I have to return to that hellhole on the 21st next month. Kill me now. So I was in a horrible mood for the first few hours. I played a boardgame by myself, listened to piano music, went for a walk and some errands and listened to a podcast. In the end, I did just all those things and almost nothing else. Then the stand-up evening I pioneered came and went. And now it's the afternoon of the next day. I sulked, let the emotions happen, snapped at my girl, hit pillows, the whole anger-spiel. Now the fight starts anew.
I'm seeing the union rep on Monday and we'll go over my options. Looks like I'll be taking the hard road. I might have to quit and thus get no unemployment moneys. So after spending several weeks in The Office From Hell, I'll have to spend some weeks doing random temp jobs. If I can mentally survive all of that and roll with those punches, if I'm lucky, I'll get the unemployment money. And that's a big if. I can already feel my strong will cracking when I think about all of it. I still want to start a business. But I'll need a new computer, probably have to pay lots of fees and administration, I've been looking into getting a course to be a certified Coach, I'd need a space to receive clients in, my car is getting busted, ... There are so ludicrously bills to pay. And my girl is getting more and more stressed out. Her job is taking a toll on her mental wellbeing but she's never learned to be a fighter like me. Her parents did all of the work themselves, so she's not as strong and mature yet as I am. She does nothing but work and complain about the work and stress and fret. She works on the train to work, in her office and continues once she's home. I feel like I can't help her see reason.

Then there's the moving in together. We need to pick a place and stick with it, but that means breaking the other's contract and paying the big fee. If she had stood up a bit more to her landlord, we might be in a different situation. But she doesn't have the gas in her tank because of her work situation. But I refuse to be the victim of that. I'll see what I can do.

All of this is so scary. It's really stressing me out. Because of my busted shoulder I can't work out like I want to to vent some of it. I'm going through a rough patch. I'll be fine in the end, but some days nowadays feel pretty shitty.

HOWEVER! The improv gig the night before was amazing. I felt relaxed and in control, confident and funny. We nailed the gig. It was interstellar.

My stand-up last night was promising. It still needs a bit of work but I'm sure that I'll have material that could get me paid gigs in a few months, maybe even sooner if I'm lucky. I experience comedy differently from how I used to. I guess I matured a bit. Whatever shitty shit and money issues and stressy stuff gets thrown at me, I'm still clearly a good entertainer and able to speak in front of a crowd with ease.

There are still things that I'd like to work on, stuff that bring just a tad too much instant gratification. And I should really get around to using that Habits-book...

Recent highlight: A squirmy, nerdy-looking 16-year old stepped up to the plate last night and did 5 minutes of comedy. I fucking cried tears of laughter. That kid is going to be amazing and I feel privileged that I got to see'm.

Budget status: The 50 a week thing is still working out. Slowly but surely, we save money. I just hope I'll have enough in the coming year to weather the storm. There's going to be some crazy changes and investments... Maybe I should look into getting a business loan to get things started up. But I don't want to dig a hole before I start building my mountain.

My one goal for the next 24h: Do a good podcast episode and enjoy it.

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Day 69. "The Fall."

I said I'd journal more, to give myself a bit more structure and to engage more in conversations with myself. It seems like I underestimated how nescessary this was.

I relapsed. I got totally hooked on some stupid mobile game and now I can't stop doing it. I do it when there's friends nearby, when I should be sleeping or eating, I do it when I was podcasting, ... I feel horrible, disgusted, guilty, ... And yet I still do it. Like a part of me is able to finally relax and give in. Like I don't have to fight this anymore, I can be at rest.

My methods of coping with stress are diminishing and this relapse is an obvious result of that. This was bound to happen. I'm scared my shoulder would get more fucked up if I were to go to training, so no Krav Maga. I've been keeping up with my Japanese, but I've been fucking around with my phone too often and don't get as much sleep as I'd want to; I should have been reading instead of on my phone. I feel like I'm a different person when I play games. I'm very addicted. I can't seem to stop running away from the big challenges ahead of me.

When we fall, we get back up. I'm not sure when this'll be, but whenever it is, I'll make sure to do it one step at a time. At least I haven't watched any porn. When I hit 90 days in a few weeks, I'm going to cut another bad habit of mine. I've yet to decide which. I'm going to try to keep journaling daily again to try and improve daily too.

I'm not going to lie. This is a rough patch. I'm scared. I usually don't admit or say this, but I'm not sure I'm capable of all of this. Maybe I'm in over my head? All of the bills, the moving in together, the busted car and laptop, seeking education to be a coach and becoming self-employed. I'm afraid I'm risking everything, betting on myself. But a voice inside of me keeps asking if I'm strong enough. I mean, we're all only human, right? It's perfectly credible to accidentally bite off more than I could chew, right? What if this is one of those things?

Recent highlight: I went to see my old film school buddies. They are all struggling with the same thing. Living with their parents, co-housing in a shitty and small place, writing and trying but not actually succeeding. In a way I want them to be succesful, obviously, but in another way I'm happy to see that I'm not the only one dealing with the hustle.

Budget status: If I'm able to survive the next 2 weeks on 15 bucks for booze or fast food or luxury stuff, I'll have broken even. I splurged a while back on some things but using the 50-a-week-method I'll have compensated for it shortly. I'm also going to calculate some stuff and simulate a few scenarios for moving in together and saving and cutting costs and investing in stuff...

My one goal for the next 24h: See the union rep and plan out what's going to be coming my way. Who do I contact, with which questions and when?

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Day 69. "The Fall."

I said I'd journal more, to give myself a bit more structure and to engage more in conversations with myself. It seems like I underestimated how nescessary this was.

I relapsed. I got totally hooked on some stupid mobile game and now I can't stop doing it. I do it when there's friends nearby, when I should be sleeping or eating, I do it when I was podcasting, ... I feel horrible, disgusted, guilty, ... And yet I still do it. Like a part of me is able to finally relax and give in. Like I don't have to fight this anymore, I can be at rest.

My methods of coping with stress are diminishing and this relapse is an obvious result of that. This was bound to happen. I'm scared my shoulder would get more fucked up if I were to go to training, so no Krav Maga. I've been keeping up with my Japanese, but I've been fucking around with my phone too often and don't get as much sleep as I'd want to; I should have been reading instead of on my phone. I feel like I'm a different person when I play games. I'm very addicted. I can't seem to stop running away from the big challenges ahead of me.

When we fall, we get back up. I'm not sure when this'll be, but whenever it is, I'll make sure to do it one step at a time. At least I haven't watched any porn. When I hit 90 days in a few weeks, I'm going to cut another bad habit of mine. I've yet to decide which. I'm going to try to keep journaling daily again to try and improve daily too.

I'm not going to lie. This is a rough patch. I'm scared. I usually don't admit or say this, but I'm not sure I'm capable of all of this. Maybe I'm in over my head? All of the bills, the moving in together, the busted car and laptop, seeking education to be a coach and becoming self-employed. I'm afraid I'm risking everything, betting on myself. But a voice inside of me keeps asking if I'm strong enough. I mean, we're all only human, right? It's perfectly credible to accidentally bite off more than I could chew, right? What if this is one of those things?

Recent highlight: I went to see my old film school buddies. They are all struggling with the same thing. Living with their parents, co-housing in a shitty and small place, writing and trying but not actually succeeding. In a way I want them to be succesful, obviously, but in another way I'm happy to see that I'm not the only one dealing with the hustle.

Budget status: If I'm able to survive the next 2 weeks on 15 bucks for booze or fast food or luxury stuff, I'll have broken even. I splurged a while back on some things but using the 50-a-week-method I'll have compensated for it shortly. I'm also going to calculate some stuff and simulate a few scenarios for moving in together and saving and cutting costs and investing in stuff...

My one goal for the next 24h: See the union rep and plan out what's going to be coming my way. Who do I contact, with which questions and when?

You're taking on too much right now. You said it already in multiple posts. Something that helped me when I was in a similar position to you back in May and June of this past year was that I actually got my old job back. It took the financial burden away from me. It's difficult to be creative when you keep getting bills. 

Your gaming pattern tells me you are overwhelmed by life and want to escape. The habit of you playing shows that internally you want to fight as hard as possible to get out of it. You feel trapped almost by this situation. So you're vigorously playing the game and it's providing action when you feel like you need action most. All of these side hobbies can be draining more than recharging in times like these.

We all fail and we all bounce back up. Sometimes when we can't bounce back we need someone else or something else to provide some momentum for us to get out of our darkest places. Finding another job will allow you to have financial security and take up some of your day. I know you didn't like your old job, but I think we all crave structure and activity during the day. It is a reason why so many people are addicted to gaming when they don't have a job. (I'm writing this assuming you're not at that job anymore. I could be wrong. I apologize if I am.)

I'd be less hard on yourself. You went almost 3 months without games and porn. That's awesome. The failure you feel right now will give you strength eventually. I'd say take some action into reducing your stresses. Take on a new job to ease the financial burden. I also think you should find a new hobby that isn't Krav Maga. I know it is huge for you, but it seems to be hurting you physically and has lead to multiple relapses for you as you've tried to recover. Would you ever consider a less demanding physical hobby that could be done? Could you do swimming, rock climbing, running, yoga, boxing without fighting, etc.? The physical activity is so important to us in our recovery.

I still beat myself up for not trying harder with my dream of cartoon writing and podcasting, but the fact that I have my old job back gives me the security blanket of financial stability that I needed so badly.

Now I can take an incredibly slow time to find my real hobbies if needed. I think this approach could be yours as well. You might even appreciate your new job more because of the struggles you're facing right now.

Edit: I remember that you're still on medical leave from work for exhaustion and mental illness recovery. My apologies. I wonder if returning to the office instead of relaxing could be beneficial to you. If you see a comment in my post about getting the job back, just switch it to either returning to the office or getting a new job.

Edited by BooksandTrees
I forgot something.
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10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

You're taking on too much right now. You said it already in multiple posts. Something that helped me when I was in a similar position to you back in May and June of this past year was that I actually got my old job back. It took the financial burden away from me. It's difficult to be creative when you keep getting bills. 

Your gaming pattern tells me you are overwhelmed by life and want to escape. The habit of you playing shows that internally you want to fight as hard as possible to get out of it. You feel trapped almost by this situation. So you're vigorously playing the game and it's providing action when you feel like you need action most. All of these side hobbies can be draining more than recharging in times like these.

We all fail and we all bounce back up. Sometimes when we can't bounce back we need someone else or something else to provide some momentum for us to get out of our darkest places. Finding another job will allow you to have financial security and take up some of your day. I know you didn't like your old job, but I think we all crave structure and activity during the day. It is a reason why so many people are addicted to gaming when they don't have a job. (I'm writing this assuming you're not at that job anymore. I could be wrong. I apologize if I am.)

I'd be less hard on yourself. You went almost 3 months without games and porn. That's awesome. The failure you feel right now will give you strength eventually. I'd say take some action into reducing your stresses. Take on a new job to ease the financial burden. I also think you should find a new hobby that isn't Krav Maga. I know it is huge for you, but it seems to be hurting you physically and has lead to multiple relapses for you as you've tried to recover. Would you ever consider a less demanding physical hobby that could be done? Could you do swimming, rock climbing, running, yoga, boxing without fighting, etc.? The physical activity is so important to us in our recovery.

I still beat myself up for not trying harder with my dream of cartoon writing and podcasting, but the fact that I have my old job back gives me the security blanket of financial stability that I needed so badly.

Now I can take an incredibly slow time to find my real hobbies if needed. I think this approach could be yours as well. You might even appreciate your new job more because of the struggles you're facing right now.

Edit: I remember that you're still on medical leave from work for exhaustion and mental illness recovery. My apologies. I wonder if returning to the office instead of relaxing could be beneficial to you. If you see a comment in my post about getting the job back, just switch it to either returning to the office or getting a new job.

Hahaha, thanks man. Yeah. I guess I might be. Typical for me to bite off more than I can chew. I'm not sure what we're going to be doing from now. I do agree with that I need structure. It's why I'm holding on to the diary so hard right now. I'll figure out somewhere along this week what I'll do. There's still 3 more weeks to go. I wouldn't mind another job for a while, as you said, the financial security is a plus. As long as it's not this previous/current office. And I'll look into some other sport. Maybe just taking long walks could tide me over for now until the shoulder properly healed. I've been meaning to let a professional take a look at it.

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Day 70. "The Winter."

Yesterday evening was rough. I had a big talk with my girl. I did the math and it'd be cheaper for her to come live with me first for a while, then after a few months get to our new place together. She'd hoped I'd move to hers before we move again. She didn't take it well. She wants to stay in her same neighbourhood, but that's not what we agreed upon. We left the discussion for what it was because it was so late. Both of us stressed and such a big and complicated situation? Best to table it for a few days and mull it over. We'd have to pool our resources and plan ahead a year. That's a big thing for a young couple. Add to that that there's always bills to pay.

It's all a little overwhelming. So I've decided to try and make sure I do 1 daily upgrade to my life. Just 1. Babysteps, you know. Today that will be visiting the union office to get more info about what my options are. I'm going to try and figure out what to do today.

I told her about the gaming. She was rather strict. I caved when she asked where I'd been all evening. She'd texted me, was looking for me, missed me and she was stressed and wanted some quality time, she needed me. I was in the car, parked one block over, playing the stupid game, for 2 hours. I felt so bad about that, I deleted it instantly.

There's lots of things to do. Cleaning up my phone and trying to disable the mobile games stuff. Getting an 18+ -filter on everything, getting new time-managing apps on the phone and this computer. Since mine is busted, I'm still borrowing my girl's. I had a sort of score card to list up all of my bad and good habits. I need to get more gigs and get more money, because it's waning. So many things, ... I guess that's how you climb a mountain, eh? Just one rock at a time. Only thing left to do now is figure out which rock first.

-Update: Talked with the union rep. The current plan is to quit my job asap, use the current sick leave to absorb 2 weeks out of the 6 I'd still need to spend at the office and hope that the doctor will grant me another 4 weeks so that I never have to step into that infernal place ever again. They made it clear it's going to take a while to get my files ready. They'll facilitate, so I joined their union, and help me out with everything. But it's going to take some temping. Honestly, between going back to the office or temping for a while so that I can get my unemployment money and start my business, it's an easy choice. The latter will be hard, but not as bad as the former. I feel like I should see the doctor first so that they can confirm that they'll grant me another 4 weeks. But even if they don't, I need to quit my job to get ahead of the situation. At least it'll diminish things from 6 weeks to 4 weeks in hell and that's an improvement too; but obviously I'd rather the full 6 weeks in limbo. It's going to be hard. And I'll need all of my wits and fighting force. I've taken it upon me to rise from the ashes once again, regally. I keep falling and I keep getting back up stronger and faster. Starting today, it seems, I embark on a big adventure, where I'm betting on myself. It's terrifying and I hope I make it. But honestly, I don't see any other way at this point in time. I want this. I want to see what it's like to spread my wings. I'm done fretting and stressing. I want to work in a daily, self-made environment. I'll find an office for myself, make my own if I have to, or get a co-working space or hang out at a coffee place. Whatever works. And I'll keep journaling to keep myself focused and sane. I always thought that quitting a job and starting off on my own would feel like a huge deal, something big and dramatic and that I'd feel relief and happiness. It might be the relapse still dominating my emotions, or the stressful conversation I had last night with my girl, but I don't feel that relieved. More apathy than I'd think.

Recent highlight: Ate supertasty quesedillas yesterday. Whenever we hang out for D&D, my buddy's girl cooks. And I got gifts too! Great friends ^^

Budget status: I should get more money somehow.

My one goal for the next 24h: Start doing Japanese daily and keep that new positive habit in the journal.

Edited by Phoenixking

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