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Deku

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About Deku

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  1. Deku

    Journal

    Hey! For what it's worth I think you did amazing. Beating your record by 16 days (like, two whole weeks!) is outstanding and probably something you thought you could never do when you started your challenge. I know you're intensely disappointed now, but imo that's a really good thing, as it's far better than feeling indifferent or even being satisfied with yourself. That disappointment shows that you still care about this journey that you've put yourself on. It shows that you still care about becoming the best possible version of yourself. Which is the point, isn't it? This was never about reaching a number for you. Your ultimate goal was always self-improvement, and attaining a life that you could look upon and feel satisfied with. Yes you relapsed and yes that sucks, but I think it would help you to realize that you're still on the path to reaching that ultimate goal. You've progressed incredibly far in the last month, and you'll only keep growing if you choose to continue. This setback is only a loss if you let it steer you off the path, and back into your old ways. What could you have done differently? I'm going to give you a rather controversial answer: nothing. You didn't ask to have your work hours slashed. You felt a huge amount of stress, and so your body resorted to the best coping method it had. Even people that have quit their addictions for decades can relapse if put into a similar situation. I think a better question to ask is, what can you do differently for next time? Stress is an unavoidable part of life, especially when you're working hard to improve yourself, and you can't let yourself relapse whenever that happens. The methods you use in the future to keep yourself from relapsing under stress will be critical to the success of your journey. I really hope you come back and choose to continue! And if you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to hit me up. ^_^ As a diehard anime fan, I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
  2. A year ago, having just spent an entire weekend cooped up inside my room gaming, I decided that the time had come to create a journal and start living my life seriously. Since then all kinds of crazy things have happened. I finished my grad classes with a 3.97 gpa, got a research job at Stanford University, did hospice volunteering for 8 months (and counting!), went on a few dates, joined a cult, and climbed a fat mountain! Among other things. Ironically I did spend all of this weekend cooped inside my room, but thankfully it wasn’t due to gaming, or even the internet. I’m excited to announce that I’ve finished the first draft of my med school personal statement!!!! It’s still hot garbage, but I’ll have until June to continue to work at it and make it better. I have to admit that I’m tearing up a little as I type this because I never really thought I’d get this far. I could use all the help I can get, so if anyone would like to proofread personal statement alpha please don’t hesitate to let me know!
  3. Passed my FACS certification!! I now have free reign over all the million-dollar machines in the Stanford FACS core. Its an amazing feeling because I was a masters student in a PhD/Postdoc level class. The course was taught at a really fast pace and I was confused and stressed out only all the time. But somehow it all worked out in the end!
  4. Stood on top of mission peak (2500 feet) last night. Hopefully next weekend I’ll be on top of Mount Whitney!
  5. It’s always nice to see that you’re getting better every day. And congratulations on the new gig! Your radio show sounds like an interesting project, and I’m sure it’s much better than you think it is. You’ll have to let me know if it ever makes it onto the air so I can tune in!
  6. Yesterday was a really good day at work. FACS training was actually a breeze for once—the multi-million dollar machines definitely didn’t feel as scary and confusing during session 4 as they did during session 1. The certification is tomorrow morning, and although I’m nervous I definitely know that I have the skills necessary to pass! I did end up going on that date, and it was actually a lot of fun. We had a wonderful conversation over the most revolting looking Asian dessert ever (grass jelly noodles with taro shaved ice and three flavors of bean). I doubt it’ll lead to anything (turns out she’s headed to Hong Kong for six months in a couple weeks) but it’s always nice to be able to get some private time with a cool person. She did text me to thank me for a great time, so maybe we’ll go out again before she leaves. Day off from work today (thank god) so I’m going to hospice volunteering this morning. Should be a good change of pace! @Phoenixking I think you’re absolutely right that I’m a little too stressed right now, and if I’m being honest it is affecting my ability to enjoy life. I can’t really drop weight right now though so I guess I’d have to find some other activities to keep myself more or less centered. I’ll definitely do some soul searching to see if there’s anything fun I can incorporate into my life. Thanks!
  7. Life continues, and it honestly feels more stressful than ever. I've come to the full realization that this really is my last chance at going to med school, and it's really doing a number on my anxiety levels. I'm still eating well and sleeping a good amount, but I do get very panicked if I'm not actively working on something, like my personal statement or studying for the MCAT. My current plan is to finish my personal statement by 8/20, send it off to my recommenders, and work on it with my school's career center while I shift fire to the MCAT. I have plans to climb Mt. Whitney, the highest point in the lower 48, with my mom on the 24th, and after that...it's all MCAT and research until the summer of next year, when I hopefully will have enough to apply. That's the plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is there. It's so faint, but it's there. I finished the 3rd out of 4 classes for my FACS training. My last class is tomorrow, and my certification test will be on Thursday. My lab shelled out several thousand dollars to get me the certification and I actually do feel pretty good about the content, so fingers crossed I can pull through here. I have a date tomorrow night. It'll be my first date since leaving the cult, and it's with one of the prettiest girls I've ever asked out in my life. Oddly enough I'm not super excited for it though. All I can really think about is the night that will be wasted on getting dessert with someone, when it should be used on wrapping up that personal statement. ._." Studied on the train streak: 12
  8. One of the many competencies that medical schools look for in applicants is resiliency, and I feel like mine is being pushed to the max right now. I've had a couple of very long, very exhausting days at work, and to boot I made yet another big mistake when I could least afford to do so. I'm not sure how it happened--I honestly have been making my very best effort to triple check everything and ask as many questions as possible--but I have to face the consequences now. Maybe these are meant to be wakeup calls that I need to improve myself much more before I can become a physician, where dumb shit like this can literally cost people their lives. Either way at this point, all I can do is learn my lesson, keep my mental from getting tilted to oblivion, and overcome.
  9. It was a really long and challenging day today. I've started my training in the FACS core at Stanford now, and if successful I'll be able to use the multi-million dollar machines in there without supervision, which would be huge for my project. Unfortunately, that adds 3 hours to each work day now for the next two weeks, and as a result I didn't get home until 9 in the evening today. I suppose that's my karma for having two shortened workweeks in a row. Studied on the train streak: 7 Focus training streak: 0
  10. Let’s go! Fuck yeah!!
  11. Best of luck. The masters thesis is a mountain (thank God I don’t have to do it!) but you’re home free once you’re on the other side. You can do it! And I think it’s a great idea you’re seeking out all the help you can get. Many university professors have this really strict and unapproachable facade but I have never met one that would not put in the time to help me if I really needed it (especially in grad school).
  12. Good luck! And enjoy your time off 🙂 Hope to see you back on this journal soon!
  13. I thought today was going to be a bit uncomfortable, but it was not that bad of a day at all. Knocked out all my experiments in the morning, so I had a pretty chill day just reading papers and doing some FACS analysis. I'm starting to get a lot better at compensation now, but still need to work on my gating. It's something that I think will come with experience. I took the time to apologize to the lab member I screwed over a few days ago, and although it was quite embarrassing I'm really glad I did it. She was much friendlier and more helpful to me today, which made me a bit uncomfortable because I know I didn't deserve it, and I definitely feel a lot less hated now. But more importantly, I'm glad I made a formal apology because I know I took a step towards becoming a better person in doing so. I'm glad because I know it was the right thing to do. No work tomorrow, so I'm headed to hospice volunteering in the morning, and I'll be attending a class to get my top rope certification at the school gym in the afternoon. Should be a fun day! Studied on the the train streak: 6 (I'm almost halfway through the Biology review book now!!) Focus training streak: 1
  14. It was a pretty good day today. Didn't have to go into work which was a nice break after the shitshow that was yesterday. Ended up doing some data analysis at home, and ran a few errands as well. Also ran into some very friendly strangers today, one of whom randomly offered a hug after seeing the "Jesus loves you" lanyard on my backpack. Those experiences were definitely the highlight of my day--in a world where so many awful things happen on a daily basis, it's awesome to see that qualities like gregariousness and kindness are still quite common. Thank you to @BrassWolf for sharing the article! Spending 15 minutes a day to improve my attention span is well worth it imo, and I will definitely try to incorporate it into every day. Today I got some practice in while running errands, as I tried to pay attention and focus on my walking/driving. My mind was completely and utterly exhausted after getting home, so I guess I must have been doing something right! It's amazing how it's so hard to get the brain to stop working.
  15. Man I had this wonderful post all thought up, and then today happened. How quickly fortunes can change. I made a number of really stupid mistakes at work today, the most serious of which involved messing with other another lab member's samples. It was a complete accident and honest mistake, but I know I looked stupid and am already walking on thin ice as a new lab member. I guess I'm a bit careless, and in the rather repetitive and monotonous environment of lab it's a bit easy for me to turn on autopilot mode and make some fuck-ups in the process. Obviously this is something I need to address now, because if I became a doctor this could cause people to undergo some serious suffering or even death. Maybe in the future I'll carry a small notebook or stack of post-its to write reminders in, and double check my work thoroughly to make sure I didn't make any faux pas? I guess it's something worth trying. I still feel horrible and I don't know how I'm going to face that lab member in the future. But I guess what's done is done, and all I can do at this point is use this experience as an opportunity to improve and humble myself. I don't really know what else to say. studied on the train streak: 5
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