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Deku

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About Deku

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  1. Thanks @Avnat Netzer. It's great to know I'm not the only one that has struggled this much with this problem. It's the morning of Day 4 and I'm still working on fixing my god awful sleep schedule. When I was in the thick of it I would regularly sleep at 4 or 5 in the morning, and at this point even going to bed at midnight is a very difficult task. At this point I honestly think that pulling an all nighter and just hard resetting my circadian rhythms might be the fastest and easiest solution. On day 2 and 3 it was really difficult not to relapse. I ended up going for a really long (7-8 hour) hike on day 2 which gave me a lot of time to think about where I want to go in life and the person that I really want to be. I really would still like to be a doctor, but at my age I just don't think it's realistic to spend another couple of years trying to start Journey to my White Coat all over again from scratch. I ended up looking up alternative jobs and discovered the Physician Assistant career, which I think would be a better fit for me at this point in my life. It's much easier to get into PA school than medical school and I can make enough money to survive while preparing to apply. I can always be a doctor later as well, since PA to MD seems to actually be a pretty common transition after a few years in the workforce. On day 2 I also thought about other goals for myself. Above all I want to live a happy and healthy life, so I decided to put a bigger emphasis on my physical and mental health after letting them take a backseat during Journey to my White Coat. Now that I have a lot more time I think I'm going to spend a lot more effort getting enough sleep and food, and actually making healthy meals for myself instead of eating junk food every day. I think I want to try and start meditating too, or at least a relaxation routine. I've never tried it myself, but things like meditation and yoga seem to play a large part in a number of successful peoples' lives, so maybe it would be nice to pick that up. Finding "fun" activities through which I can meet people has always been a struggle, and while I'm going to think about it more I might have a lead on something. Elections in the US are coming up, and I'm very passionate about a certain candidate, so I think I'm going to attend some volunteering events in support of them. It would give me the chance to do some good work while likely meeting people around my age, so I don't think it's a bad thing. Day 3 was a pretty slow day. I looked up some diets online and went grocery and supplement shopping to replicate them. I also washed my bedding to make it as fresh and comfy as possible and maximize the quality of my sleep. Finally I signed up for a couple of volunteering trainings, and did some searching for jobs to survive for the time being. Today's my all nighter day, so I don't think I'm going to get a whole lot done. Going to try and clean up a little more, do a little meal prepping, and watch some volunteer videos. The big priority is going to be getting to sleep early to get that hard reset in my sleep schedule. That's all for now guys. Thanks for reading.
  2. Thanks everyone for the kind words. It really is great to be back. Like many other detox Day 1's today was my big cleanse--throwing out the trash, washing dishes, doing laundry, and importantly removing all traces of games from my computer. I agree completely that I made it way too easy for myself to relapse last time, so I set up multiple layers of security (uninstalling, deleting accounts, unsubscribing from youtube and setting up multiple extensions to block relevant sites) to make it as hard as possible for the relapses to happen again. I've got some goals for what I want to do in the next couple months or so, but it's getting late so I'll talk about them at a later date. Thanks again guys. Your support truly means a lot.
  3. Hey guys. As many of you know, the last journey didn't go so well. Actually, it went pretty well for almost a year, and before suddenly completely reversing course and turning into a humongous dumpster fire. The support I've received since then from so many members of this community has really been overwhelmingly positive, so first off thank you so much to everyone who reached out, and sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. I was so incredibly stressed back then, and looking back I think the whole Stanford thing ending might even have been good for me. I just wish that I handled myself better, and took my dreams more seriously when I still had a shot at accomplishing them. I probably should have at least reached out to someone for help, rather than letting the situation build until it all just blew up in my face. I want so badly to say that I learned my lesson since Journey to my White Coat's untimely end, but the truth is that my gaming addiction has worsened to a degree that I've never experienced before in my entire life. In fact I've done very little except game over 15 hours a day in the last month. I've had almost nothing to be excited about recently, and gaming was able to give me that purpose to wake up to every day. Importantly I think gaming also provided me with that safe world to run from the many problems and failures that had suddenly sprung up in my life. I guess I'm back now because I've realized that my problems aren't going to go away (frankly they're only getting worse by the day), and that I can either keep hiding from them using gaming or I can try to face them head on and improve my situation. I was strongly considering starting over here with a brand new account, but I think it's best to be honest about who I am and the decisions I made that brought me here. I'm Deku, I'm 24, and I recently fucked up horribly and let gaming take away my life's dream. I'm here to salvage what I can of my life, rehab myself, and support others undergoing similar journeys. And I promise that I will never play another computer game again.
  4. Fuck guys it’s over. I’m so sorry. Got removed from my internship a few days ago and the shock still hasn’t really worn off yet. The reason was because of all the mistakes I’ve made, and all the days I missed (due to playing games). With that I lose so much. Two letters of rec and a ton of time at the very least. I don’t really know what to do now. I still want to keep fighting to get into medical school, but...I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m just so disappointed in myself for blowing this golden opportunity. I spent the last year setting all this up for myself beautifully and in the blink of an eye it’s back to ground zero again. I’ll think of something but...man. This really sucks.
  5. Day 2 It's going to be a corny one because I really need to pump myself up right now after a pretty difficult period of time. Thanks for bearing with me. The situation at work is starting to become really, really bad. Now that my mentor's on maternity leave I've had to run a lot of her experiments by myself, and I clearly am not ready for such a responsibility. As a result I've really bungled the data collection of a lot of experiments that took months to set up. I'm sorting through the mess right now but...it doesn't look good. I really need help, but I'm honestly too scared and embarassed to ask for it because that'll just add to my reputation as the village idiot. And to make matters worse analyzing the suspect data by myself is taking a really long time, and that's setting me behind all the other things I have to do at work. I just don't know what to do. It was just a really frustrating day today, and probably one of the worst I've had at this job. After beating my head against my desk for hours I decided to just go home early, and ended up just lying in my bed thinking about just how much I want to quit my job and this lifestyle. There have to be other ways to get into medical school, right? But in my heart I know that I have no chance of becoming a doctor, or even a version of myself that I can be happy with, if I can be defeated by something as small and inconsequential as this internship. And so I'm gonna put my nose to the grindstone and work as hard as possible to understand this stuff, and if I'm going to be fired then at least I'll walk out with the dignity of knowing that I tried my absolute best. I know I can give more than what I've been putting out--after all, I got a 3.97 gpa last year in subjects that are highly relevant to this lab's work. I just have to believe that my many mistakes in this lab have been because of a lack of real experience, that they are merely growing pains expected to come with a transition from the classroom to the workplace. I just have to believe that there is something greater waiting just around the corner for me, if only I can make it through this dark period. I wish my life could be an anime, where I go from zero to hero in a smooth progression, with nothing but a few training montage clips and a whole lotta plot armor. I wish this journal could just be a perfect journey to the life of my dreams, with me blasting through everything without any complications or setbacks or days spent contemplating my life decisions. I wish my journey could have been more interesting and inspiring for others. But I guess I'm starting to realize that's not how life really works? Life is full of imperfections, and mistakes, and fuck ups. That's just how it is. And if I run away every time these things happen, I'm going to spend the rest of my miserable existence running. And that's not how I want to live. Wish me luck guys. I'm going all out!!!!
  6. Day 1 My mind was so restless last night that I just couldn't go to sleep, and by the time I finally drifted off it was just after 2 in the morning. When my alarm woke me up at 6 I was so tired that all I wanted to do was quit my job, quit my life and just go back to sleep again. I'm really glad that I managed to find the discipline to put on some clothes and get some exercise in before going to work. That's huge. I'm going to need a lot more of that strength going forwards. Today was a rough day at work. It was my first time running flow cytometry by myself and I had all kinds of issues that I was not prepared for. But I guess it's a learning process, and I will have lots more opportunities to improve myself moving forwards. I also had a meeting with my PI today, and she heavily insinuated that I have not been working hard enough. She then gave me about a million things to do in the near future. This is technically what I wanted, so I guess I should feel thankful. I'm very glad that she's giving me the opportunity to earn my letter of recommendation and a paid spot in the lab for the next year. It's another opportunity, and I going to do my best to make an impact and improve the work that I'm involved in. @Phoenixking @Icandothis Thanks for the comments. I think that you're absolutely right. I may honestly be just taking on too much right now, and I realize that trying to push through an obstacle that I'm just not strong enough yet to deal with is only going to burn me out and lower my self esteem--which in turn just fuels my relapses and urges to quit. I'll do my best to drop weight where I can and add fun to my life on a more regular basis.
  7. Day 0. Again. Oh boy, what can I say. I just can't seem to get anyting going. I just lost another week to gaming, and it was so scary this time. I barely went to work, and I hardly ate, drank, or slept for 9 whole days. It was just like college all over again. I really felt like I had no control over myself at all. I really hope that this is my final relapse, because this is it. My med school dreams are literally hanging by a thread right now--I'm not doing well at work, I haven't volunteered in almost a month, and I haven't made any progress on my personal statement or exam prep in over a week. I think I can still turn it around but I have to start now--I'm just about out of money now and almost out of time. It literally is do or die at this point. Reflecting on my relapses, I think the best thing I can do for myself is to literally force myself to go to work every day. The commute sucks and the environment isn't the best, but at least I know for a fact I will not be gaming while I'm there. I believe that a good night's sleep will go hand in hand with that. It's too easy to just wake up in the morning and rationalize that I'm just too tired to go, especially when there isn't anything for me to do that day. Staying home has ALWAYS led to relapses (unless I spend the day at the library), so I think that's someting I definitely have to avoid going forwards.
  8. I loved it for the most part! Obviously the cinematography was beautiful and Joaquin Phoenix's acting was fire, but I also really liked the overall message. I do feel that we as a society have really failed to help the mentally ill, and the movie did a good job of reflecting the lack of empathy and assistance for those kinds of people. How about you?
  9. Aw crap, missed a bunch of days on here again. Wonderful! I'm just going to transcribe put up the raw notes that I have for each day so that I can catch myself up quickly. Day 10: Went to a rodent aseptic surgery class, left work early and got lunch with friends. Went on a night hike of Mission Peak with my parents, and did med school stuff for a few hours afterwards with the help of caffeine. Overall a fun day! Day 11: Spent a day with my dad and watched Joker. Also watched the new episode of My Hero Academia. Day 12: Spent the whole day working on medical school stuff. Took a break to watch the niners absolutely stuff the Rams! Decided that I would like to run a triathlon and spent some time today on the internet looking up training plans. I think working towards an entry level race could be a viable project that I could do during this period of time if hiking proves to be too big of a time investment.
  10. Day 9 Went to the talk on AML for 90 minutes, read a paper about humanized mice for another 30 minutes, and did data analysis for the rest of the time I was at work today. I gotta say the 4 hour rule has really saved me at my workplace. I used to be so bored and painfully not busy every day, but now that I have to read papers and practice skills I'm finding that my knowledge base has significantly improved--and with it, my interest in the lab's work. Still having trouble going to sleep on time, and haven't worked out at all this week. Both things to improve on for the future. But I would tentatively call this week a win!
  11. @Phoenixking LMAO! Point taken. Since I'm trying to get a nice letter of recommendation and potentially employment at this lab while I apply to med school I do feel that I need to make sure I'm at least being useful. But I also definitely think that you're right in that I can't ask for too much work. Gotta really thread the needle there and find the right balance I guess. Day 7 was a pretty good day at work. I spent my four hours running some experiments, and went to dinner to celebrate my grandmother's 94th (!!!!!) birthday. Not a whole lot done but at least no relapse happened. I didn't drink enough water or get enough sleep either, so overall a below average day. Day 8 I woke up feeling completely wiped due to not having enough sleep the night before. The temptationto take it easy and stay home was overwhelming, but I got myself out of bed, did a good hygiene routine and made it to work on time. I consider that a victory in itself! Today was largely spent analyzing the data from yesterday's experiment, which was...tedious. I wish I learned more when my mentor was still here and asked her more questions. Luckily she's just a quick email away. Going to a talk about the role of stem cells in Acute Myeloid Leukemia tomorrow at the literal crack of dawn. Should be fun!
  12. Hey man! I read your whole journal at work today and it was definitely an enjoyable one. You're just a day away from 3 weeks now, which is huge--congrats on that! In regards to your procrastination--I'm super self conscious, so one thing that's helped me be productive is working in an open space outside my house (coffee shop, library, etc) where other people can see my computer screen. With all those judgey eyes watching me I just can't bring myself to go on Youtube or watch anime, even if I really want to. Either way, best of luck! Dealing with the urges is never easy, and personally for me it's something I'm still learning how to do. But just know that if you can find a way to keep yourself busy and push past it, there is something greater waiting on the other side. Rooting for you!! Also, crash bandicoot? Spyro?? Damn those are names I have not heard in a loooooong time 😂
  13. Day 6 My work at Stanford continues to be extremely light. Yesterday I had an idea about how to give myself more work, but unfortunately that didn't end up panning out. So it's back to my usual routine of finding 4 hours of stuff for myself to do. I will say that I'm finding working for myself to be a LOT harder than doing things for someone else, but at the same time I'm finding an odd sort of satisfaction in it. It's really difficult to be self-motivated enough to fill in my own schedule, but it's definitely nice to learn a skill or finish a paper and realize that I was the sole reason that managed to happen. I dunno, just something I've observed. Stuff I managed to do today: -I read a chapter of Being Mortal on the train today. -I read a paper about different kinds of humanized mouse models that can be used to study AML. It gave me a lot of background about the mice we're going to be using. -I found more work for myself to do--awesome! -I made some good progress on the personal statement. I believe that the framework is in place, but I need to fill in the blanks now. -Got plenty to eat and drank enough water.
  14. @RB1 Thanks for your kind words friend! Really brought a smile to my face today. I know I've been in a bit of a rut recently, so the fact that people take the time to read and find nice things to say is just incredible. Thanks again 🙂 Day 5 Today started out as an incredibly unproductive day. I woke up late and spent way too much time eating, watching anime, catching up on youtube, talking to my parents etc. It was really demoralizing--I mean my back is pretty much against the wall at this point, shouldn't I be able to perform?--and for a few brief moments I even considered quitting everything, running away and living out the rest of my life as a lab tech. I'd have to live with my own failure forever, sure, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with the constant stress of my current life. It's corny, but what ended up getting me out of my rut was a motivational video on youtube--specifically Ray Lewis' 52 cards speech. I've listened to it so many times in the past, but for some reason it felt like he was speaking directly to me today. I could almost visualize how close the victory is now--just a few months of hard work away--and I realized how much of a pity it would be if I walked away at this moment. All I have to do is put my head down and bulldoze through all the stress of this period of my life...and it will all be downhill from there. After that revelation it was pretty easy for me to start writing, and within an hour I had finished the section that had stalled me for over a week. The pity is that I still have a little ways to go...but I think I can get it done tomorrow if I attack it with the mindset that I will get it done, no matter how much it hurts. Thanks @Icandothis for the tip btw--I made a text document and literally just started freetyping my thoughts out, and it really helped me get the creative juices flowing. 🙂
  15. A personal record is always a win! Congrats!!!
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