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It really does. That's how you know it's bad for you. We're gonna get through this. You'll be able to fill that time again for the gigs and photo shoots. And it's only a few more hours until you see your gf anyways. Take this time for yourself, go for a walk, visit a garden or something, etc. 

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11/03/19 – 2 pm - Days without games & porn: 22

So the D&D-session I did last night was good! I was finally able to give all of them a hero-moment. And I've been making good progress with my worldbuilding. It's really turning int something alive and breathing. The meeting about the podcast was long but fun. We might be doing a live show soon and we discussed the selling of merchandise. There's so many people on our Discord-server nowadays, we've had to enlarge the team and we have a few volunteers now to keep an eye out. We were all happy and proud and suprised and amazed that within 1 year the whole project has truly taken off. There's fans, there's reactions, there's artwork being sent to us, ... Utterly blessed!

Elien and I are doing well too. She needs to chill out sometimes, though. She's always running around doing 1 million things (kind of like me, I know) and it's making her sick. Well, I'd say that she should be majorly sick and lie in bed and chill and just let her body recover and rest. But she's too busy so the adrenaline just pushes her onwards. It's making sure she's functioning but always a tad under the weather. Much like me and lots of other people I know, it's another case of The Millenials. Feeling so much pressure to put in effort to get all your ducks in a row, the the point where just doing your groceries feels like a huge deal. Heck, it's tiring me out just thinking about it.

Japan is nearby and there's one more hurdle to jump. Elien needs to meet my travelmate. Mainly because we used to sleep together and I don't want anything polluting the air. So we're having dinner tonight with the three of us. In a way to show Elien that there's nothing to be worried about, but also to make sure they both see each other at least once and have gotten to know each other a little bit since I'll be gone with her for about two weeks without Elien. Honestly, I'm a bit nervous. I probably shouldn't be, but still. 

I'm going to try and finish my writing today. My keyboard is annoying the hell outta me because the "D"-key keeps breaking... I should've finished a while ago. I don't think I'll be getting another contract from them. But fingers crossed?

 

Recent highlight: The D&D-session went great and I wrote a whole bunch of lore!

Budget status: My paycheck this month will cover just food and rent. I'm not going to lie. I'm starting to feel like I should work more and try my best more at this freelancing... This is kind of scary.

My one goal for tomorrow: Try and have a productive day at the office and then kick some ass at the Krav Maga practice

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13/03/19 – 4 pm - Days without games & porn: 24

My writing gig finished and the feedback was positive. I hope they'll hire me again. It's looking promising but the fact that I'd be in Japan makes it difficult for the timeframe. They want to start casting actors and running trials asap. We'll just have to wait and see, I guess.

I have been a bit more thorough with my planning and it seems to be taking effect.

I also got a haircut. It's a bit dramatic. I went from full hipster manbun shoulder-length hair to a 1920's cut, like from Peaky Blinders. I did always have a penchant for the dramatic...

My podcast will be doing a live gig next month in my favourite local bar. We're making merchandise as we speak. It's crazy how much we've progressed. We have actual fans.... I wonder if I'll be asked to be on pictures or if people would want my autograph or something 😛 

 

Recent highlight: My girlfriend was very empathetic about me panicking about my hair. I have a bit of a developing bald spot. Normally I'd feel silly and dramatic. But she just rolls with it and reacts with kindness. It's stuff like that that really make you feel special. We even stayed up 'till 1am just talking and laughing. Our sleep pattern hates us, but we're in love.

Budget status: I'm about to check all the boxes I need to for Japan. Passport, payments, ... This means that I'll buy tickets for stuff I want to go to and see and visit. My travel buddy isn't coming along to every single thing. So it's rather exciting to do this on my own. I'm terrified my bank account will recede into darkness. But there's sumo contests to see, temples to visit, guides to book, ... This is why we have a job! To make the money do stuff that we like!

My one goal for tomorrow: Kick ass at the office. I finally found something I'm good at and that makes my colleagues give positive feedback on.

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Just wanted to check in and tell you good job man, it's not an easy process but you're staying with it and I think it's giving you results. Keep up the efforts!

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14/03/19 – 23 pm - Days without games & porn: 25

Porn is bugging me less. Nowadayts my brain is already in Japan. I did fuck up, though. A fuckup worth 200 bucks 😕 ... My passport needs renewal. And because of paperwork, timing and flights, I need to pay extra for a quickened procedure. UGH. I hate paperwork...

I have yet to sit down and arrange tickets and stuff for shows, temples, tours, ... I came home and ate and then left for practice. It's so late now. I hope to have finished the Japan stuff by the end of the weekend. But there's the funeral and my girlfriend's move. So I might have to sacrifice some stuff here and there to get it done. 

Got a message from somebody I met at the storytelling conference from 2 weeks ago. She wants me to lead some acting workshops! It's so cool that my presence there really paid off!

Krav Maga practice was brutal. We got trained on how to defend attack from behind and my neck looks like a warzone from all of the grapples

My new haircut feels amazing. It looks cool and I feel like a new man. I honestly believe in doing stuff like this to mark off old chapters and begin new ones.

 

Recent highlight: Everyone keeps telling me my hair looks amazing.

Budget status: I have yet to pay lots of stuff for Japan. It's making me nervous. I hope I didn't miscalculate anything. I tend to do that... I hope I don't rip my bank account in two over this, because there's really no more going back at this point.

My one goal for tomorrow: Help my girl move and try and get 1 thing in order for Japan.

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17/03/19 – 1 pm - Days without games & porn: 28

I helped my girl move her stuff Friday. She's finally moving out of a house with 3 roommates and into her own apartment. She's worried about money stuff, obviously, it's a big upgrade and that comes with extra costs. She's been used to spending money frivolously on clothes and fancy food. But I feel like it's a strong and healthy step towards self-development and growing up. She might get a roommate, though, to cut costs. But for now, she's eager to just do it solo and I encourage that. Her 3 previous housemates were ... complicated. They used to be friends that even helped her get over her ex. But it slowly turned sour. The house is owned by the two dudes. One of them is a nice but a bit of a coward and never stands up the the other guy. That latter dude has some form or autism and is a gaming junkie. He uses memes, math and logic to communicate. I understand why and how, of course, but that's an explanation and not a excuse to be a dick. The last roommate is gamerman's girlfriend. She's got a psychological disorder because of repressed trauma of some kind. When pressed, she dissociates and will just hum, bang her head or just go catatonic for a bit. He is utterly unfazed by this and doesn't see anything wrong with it. My girl was first forbidden to help her out, despite being a trained psychologist, but then after she ignored an episode of hers, they roasted her for ignoring a person in need. They went back and forth with her like that a lot. My girl is lovely, but sometimes a bit too nice. I have learned to bear my fangs and channel my anger when needed. That's something she lacks for now. She can be a bit too kind for her own good. So I'm happy she's moving away.

I spent the night there. It was romantic and hilarious. We tackled the move as a team! I took apart the bed while she filled boxes with stuff. We shoved it all into my car and after 3 drives, we got everything sorted and had all we need to spend the night. She bought me pizza, we had sparkling wine and a show we liked. We ate and drank on her bed, the only piece of furniture we were able to move in those few short hours. But it was all we needed. We had an absolutely lovely night and morning. There was nothing in the apartment but us, pizza boxes and an empty bottle of sparkling wine. And it was perfect.

Then I had to leave for the funeral.

My aunt died last week. She's lost the battle against cancer. The chemo was taking effect, prolonging her life a bit. Her kids had to convince her to get chemo and radiation, she was thinking of letting the disease eat her. The treatment took effect, but she'd waited too long already. It'd gotten into her bones. The kids were still hell bent on saving her or prolonging their time. But my aunt, without telling the kids, took matters into her own hands and stopped the classical Western treatment. She spent her entire life savings on crazy therapies. Shamans and witch doctors, people pretending to be healers, liars, conmen and frauds. My aunt lost herself to the grifters, eager to take her money, spent in desperation. Her discovered all of this only two weeks ago. They feel like they had time with their mom stolen from them by the alternative healers and the person who kept her secret and stimulated this path: my other aunt. There were 3 sisters, my mom being one of them. Now there's only two left. My cousins both didn't have the luxury of time to deal with the frustration and anger they felt, their mom was too far gone already, the money already spent. She was dying. They had to press pause on all of that clusterfucky stuff to sit by her bed in the hospital, waiting for her last breath.

The funeral was warm, fuzzy and lovely. Her kids gave amazing speeches. The eldest is 3 years younger than me and I'm a professional speaker. But I could never have given a eulogy with half as much class as that man. He joked that he was glad the crowd couldn't see his knees shaking. He told stories about how their mom used to spray their rooms from them with anti-monster spray. He was so charming. He had been told by his mom that she didn't want her funeral to be sad, stiff and full of monologues. She wanted people to smile and laugh. He pulled it off with swagger. Her sister, though, the other aunt who got her into the 'alternative swamp', as my cousin named it, had a different approach. She opened the funeral with a 5 page-speech. She even forced her kid, my 8-year-old cousin to recite a poem. The latter chickened out. No kid in their right mind would voluntarily do such a thing so we all assume that my crazy aunt pushed her into it. None of us are nowadays able to look at this aunt with the same pair of eyes. Part of me blames her and feels like she's a lost sheep. Part of me still loves her, she's no mean or ill-bearing woman. She just never learned to truly fend for herself.

Sorry for the huge post. This is my diary after all. I just need to type these things out... It's been an emotional few weeks. The detoxing from porn is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have lost my grandmother and my aunt in the span of 1 month. I've started freelancing more and stopped by full-time job and replaced it with a part-time one. My relationship with my girlfriend has blossomed and is showing no red flags. There's a fucktonne of changes. So many things to adapt to and process. I'm a bit of a mess sometimes. But I still haven't relapsed. It's getting easier. I look forward to getting to 90 days. The next few weeks will be less hard because I'll be in Japan until the 10th. I'll go and see cherry blossoms for the first time. I've been wanting to see Japan all my life. It's a dream come true. I will probably cry a lot while I'm there. A part of me thinks that I'll return as another man. Spiritually more awake. Changed forever. Sometimes I think it's folly and childish and very dramatic. Typically me. And there are other times when I can truly imagine myself there, all alone in the middle of some busy square or desolate temple, thinking about who I am and what I want to do with my life, who I want to become...

There was this man at the funeral. His name is Alfred. I met him a few times when he was a lazy teenager. He'd travelled from Finland to get to the funeral. My deceased aunt was very active in a charity foundation. When I was a kid, there were a few kids from Romania spending summer at our village. My aunt took in one or two or three, so did my mom. He had left the slums a few years after that and had kept in touch with my aunt before she'd gotten cancer. Apparently he'd done quite well for himself. She read a lot of books about succes, finance, entrepreneurship, communication, self-improvement, ... He'd been a student, a butcher, a student again and now she's in healthcare and into globetrotting. He's lived in Germany, Spain, and now is in Finland. This random lazy kid from the slums, turned his whole life around and travelled the world. Switching jobs, self-educating, ... I made me very humble. If he can do that, why couldn't I? 

I've been noticing that I often can't or won't stop browsing Reddit or any other social media or even Netflix. I have a limiter on my PC and on my phone, though. Thank heavens. I'm sure that I'm using it as a crutch somehow. After I am done with the 90 days of detoxing from porn, and when I feel ready, I'll probably detox from this as well. I don't want to make my cup overflow, there's only so many things you can handle. And I have yet to read Atomic Habits and I really still shouldn't be this demanding of myself... But I want to achieve so much, climb so high, ... Sometimes I am angry at myself for no working harder and slacking off so much. But being such a good-for-nothing junkie. I look at the bad stuff and slip into being so demanding of myself. But I've done good things, I've taken the right steps. I guess I'm just still used to getting immediate results.

Maybe after Japan. Maybe after the book. Maybe next year. I hope I find peace with this one day. I know things like these take time. But some days are harder than other. And today is totes a hard day. There's so many things to do and arrange. It's stressing me out, just imagining the list. It never ends. The infernal to-do list.

 

TL;DR - My aunt died. My girl moved. No relapse. And the only thing that's more intense than Netflix seducing me to binge, is how demanding I am of myself.

 

Recent highlight: The first night and morning in my girl's new place and us working as a team to move all of her stuff.

Budget status: I'm going to FINALLY try and sort some stuff out for Japan. I already lost the opportunity to see some sumo's training because of procrastinating. I probably would not have enjoyed it because of how rigid and stiff it was, but still it's a shame.

My one goal for tomorrow: Nail the busy day: Get new pictures for my passport. Then go nail the improv gig I got. Then go and do a photoshoot and get some new headshots out of the shoot.

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22/03/19 – 4 pm - Days without games & porn: 33

I have been sick since Monday. Omfg, I feel like shit. The doctor said it's a viral infection of my airways. I have a stuffy and runny nose, major headaches and a fever. My lungs feel like they're filled with mucus and slime and I cough a lot. Today is the first day it's been a bit better. I leave for Japan in 4 days so I'm a bit scared I'll not be at full strength when I leave. I've taken a few sick days, cancelled an audition and called grandpa (who is now a widower) that I wouldn't be able to see him before I leave for Japan. My girl has been here most days, she's been taking care of my like an angel. Cooking, cleaning, cuddling, ... She's so kind, caring and nurturing. I'm lucky dude.

I feel like I've been half-alive for the last couple of days. There's been no real addiction issues because I'm either asleep, coughing or worrying about Japan. I sometimes get up at night because my nasal cavity feel like it's on fire and I can't breathe that well when I lie down. It's been a few year since I've been this passive and I hate it. I know I'm supposed to sit my ass down, stay warm and do nothing. But it drives me crazy because I'm such a go-getter. I have to actively make an effort to not speed out of here and go do stuff. But I'd make things worse... 

I'll probably spend the next couple of days recovering and planning some more stuff for Japan. Part of me is terrified and a part of me is excited and not worried at all about recovering in time. I guess we'll just have to wait and see which side wins.

Recent highlight: My girl taking such good care of me.

Budget status: I should contact my electricity provider about changing my monthly bills. I'm also a bit scared of spending money in Japan but this is why I worked so hard. To relax and chill out.

My one goal for tomorrow: Do as little as possible. There's a huge list, but a great day would be a day where I just focus all of my efforts on getting better. I'm an adventurer and an improviser, the trip through Japan is going to me amazing no matter what. So I have to try and not worry about things, relax, let go and just let my body heal.

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Sorry about your aunt dying.  It seems there's a lot of misfortune happening health-wise with your family in the past few months.  I'm glad you are staying strong and being supported through it all.  I'm also sorry about your illness.  Rest, water, basic foods, and medicine are all going to help you there.  This is a great time to read, relax, write stand up material, write storylines for DnD, watch inspirational people online briefly, but not too long, draw, idk.

Just giving some options.

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25/03/19 – 4 pm - Days without games & porn: 36

Well, I leave for Japan in less than 24h. Today is all about buying the final tiny things I'd need like an adapter for Japanese power sockets and picking up my passport. 

Sadly, I'm still rather sick. I don't have a fever anymore but I still need to sit down and rest every few minutes. I'm weakened. I also still cough, wheeze and have trouble breathing. I'm pretty sure the worst part is behind me and it's just my body tidying up the mess inside of me. But I'm getting a bit scared. I hope this won't ruin my trip or make things more difficult.

All in all, I always kept up that I love Japan so much, everything could go wrong and I'd still have a blast because of the simple fact that I'd be in Japan when things go wrong. All I have to do today is pack by bag. I'll start in a minute when my medication kicks in. I'm still rather tired and feel like shit. But I have to go. The trip won't wait for me. There's 1000 things to be arranged. Clothes, food, music, ... Granted, I'm going to be pushing myself a little bit here. Not a good thing if you're going to be travelling and you should be resting. But I'm not going to cancel 2 weeks of my dream destination over an infection. My health is important, but I'm also not made of glass.
I have a doctor's appointment this evening and I'll be able to drop by an emergency pharmacy if need be. I'll explain the situation, ask if it's normal I'm still rather sick, ask about the risks and possible medication. I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just a bit worried about the pressure in the airplane. My ears, nose and sinusses are so fucked.

I'll be gone for a week or two. I hope to return with a bit more spiritual insight, tonnes of stories, and some peace of mind. I'll be bringing my copy of Atomic Habits with me too. 

I've been waiting my whole life for this. I can't believe it's finally happening. I'm going to Japan.

This is going to be the craziest, coolest shit ever.

See you all when I get back!!!

 

Recent highlight: Did a taping of 3 podcast episodes Sundaymorning. I took something out of me because I was still sick. But we totally nailed it. I look forward to our live show next month.

Budget status: Wired about 1000 bucks for the trip. Should be enough. Still have enough saved for 2 months of rent. Add to that that I'll get my part-time paycheck soon and I assume April and May will be okay months but I'll need more freelance work soon. I have planned a freelance-get-work-brainstorm-day with myself where I'll send my new headshots to casting agencies, try and get some auditions done, etc...

My one goal for tomorrow: Be mindful of my body and my health. Improvise and stay true to myself and what I want from this trip. Relax and just enjoy the ride.

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Aaaaaaaaaaand we're back.


"We last left our hero on the precipice of travelling to Japan, something he'd been dreaming of his whole life. Let's take a look at how he's doing nowadays. Cue the intro tune!"

 

The Trip was gorgeous. I felt like the luckiest man every few minutes. I was able to experience authentic Japanese culture. I drank and ate what they drank and ate. Not a single Western thing passed my lips for 2 weeks. Safe to say that I'm pretty sick of tofu right now. Unless properly fermented or whatever. They have a pretty umami and a very subtle pallet. Even their whiskey (I visited Yamazaki Distillery) was rather subtle. I'm used to very pronounced flavors. So I was happy to indulge in such when I came back. 

I had gotten sick though. Pretty seriously. I had to lie down for the first half of the trip and that really was a blow. But my girl came through and helped me get some medication. There's crap healthcare in Japan so I lost some money on a visit to the doctor. But luckily my girl had my back. She was able to pull some strings and that's how I knew how to buy the right meds. Turns out I have a pollen allergy that make my body trigger asthma-like attacks. .... >.> Seriously? In the middle of Sakura-season? UGH!

The views and nature and onsens were amazing. I often took pictures to remind myself of the beauty. My travel buddy was nothing but lovely. But my girl reminded me sometimes of how weird it was to have me travelling with somebody I used to sleep with. She took it like a champ though. The Girl and I are planning to travel next year to Japan again.

I always wondered what would happen to me when I visited Japan. I always made it such a big thing in my mind. I was sure that I'd come back as some kind of monk or enlightened person. I didn't. At least, not yet. It was a weird change with some overinflated expectations and some other stuff. I'm okay now. I do feel changed. Like there's more energy inside of me, a stronger drive. All I need to do now is just follow the route I'm on. Japan was a great move for my inner peace. I spent a night in a buddhist monk temple. One of them gave me a bracelet as a gift. During the trip I learned "Ichi go, icho ye" (or something like it). Which stand for the idea of doing only one thing at a time, and giving your full focus and attention to that one thing. The bracelet serves as a reminder for that. It helps me not get overwhelmed by everything.

The Girl and I are still going strong. There's lots of love and communication and some future plans about travelling to Japan together next year and travelling somewhere a bit closer this summer. We'll start planning the former after the latter has been a succes. I'm sure it's going to be fine. She's got a new job now. It's pretty demanding and she's gone rather early and home late. We don't live together but I can see the physical and emotional stress it's putting on her. I worry a bit about her, but if it's too much for her, she's supposed to be the one to say it in time, not me. She's a bit younger than I am and I have already learned that lesson. I have to let go and let her grow on her own. All in all, the relationship is swell ^^ We even had our first fight recently. Just a silly misunderstanding. But it feels like a funny milestone. 

The Family is a bit more complicated. My mom and I have been messaging each other less frequently. We've not picked up the therapy sessions. But we keep in touch on our own. I'm seeing her this weekend to tell her about Japan. It's been over a month since I'm back, but still. Gift horses and all that. My Girl is coming along to properly meet her too! I'm both nervous and excited. Since my mom's sister died, the family took a blow. Mom is cool with all of it, she says. She already said goodbye 2 years ago when the illness started. But my niece, other aunt, grandmother, ... They're all devastated. Especially my niece feels so lost. It's a long story, to be honest. But the main thing is that Mom and I seem to have turned over a new leaf and we both seem to take maintaining a good relationship more seriously ^^ 

The Job is twofold. On the one hand it's all good. The part-time job at the office is different every day. And I need both stability to compensate for my freelancing, but also some regular change to make sure I don't lose interest. For now, it's balanced. But I'm starting to feel that I'll leave that place one day and that it might be sooner than I think. But we'll see what happens. I now work as an online content marketeer, a cold-caller and administrative assistant. The freelancing needs a kick though. So I made a list to get my shit in order. It's ridiculously huge. But it's all written in clear, short tasks. There's 1000 of them. But if I can do just 1 per day, there's going to be some major progress in a year! This gives me some peace of mind. Just like the bracelet reminds me of: one thing at a time. I'm just a tad scared about money on short-term. It's been an expensive month and I didn't have that many gigs as I had thought. And some unexpected expenses... The well is drying up slowly. I need to keep an eye on things.

The Mind has found a bit more peace. And a bit more discipline. The huge list is helping me regulate things and that's a big deal. My Job Coach recently taught me a neat trick to communicate with my Yin and my Yang. I imagined one side of me as the creative one, a flakey, jumpy, spazzy, pale, coffee-slurping, energetic, wide-eyed junkie. And my peaceful side was like a bigger, stronger, older, slower, tree-bark covered behemoth of a man. Both are me, just magnified aspects, polar opposited. And in the middle is me. 

We talked about how amazing ideas, gorgeous blossoms, ripe and tasty fruits, ... all need a proper thick branch and a solid tree to grow. If not, they'd all be blow away by the first storm to pass by. So she had me play out a conversation between my two sides and why my creative side was afraid that my peaceful side would take over and that I'd become boring and complacent. Being able to say that out loud took a load off. I've been allowing myself to relax more. Leaving me stronger and more energetic to tackle actual problems. This is a big change I needed. There's fire and water withing me and the steam will only appear when they work together. I don't want to douse the flame and I don't want to burn myself either. I need both, in balance. It's a work in progress, but I feel like I'm doing fine.

The Body is kind of fucked up at the moment. When I came back from Japan I needed some time to get my stuff sorted out. It was hard to motivate myself to go to Krav Maga class. And recently I tore my ligaments in my  foot so I'm on crutches for the moment. It's going to take a bit of time before I'm fully okay. And I strongly dislike that I'm gaining a bit of weight... Restarting excercising is on the list, though 😉 And so was restarting this journal.

The Future is a mystery but today is a gift. I relapsed a few times in the last couple of weeks. I was clean for about 45 days. If my girl didn't help me destroy every videogame account, I may have relapsed in that too, who knows. The broken ligaments drive me crazy because I can't walk... Can't seem to shake the porn too. I guess I just haven't found my proper replacement yet? I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point...

 

 

Recent highlight: Being able to write in this journal that I'm doing fine. Sure, there's still work to be done, but life's always going to be like that. So I consider myself lucky that I'm fine.

Budget status: I have a serious case of the procrastinaties. There's almost over a month of finances and expenses that I need to check. I'll probably do it at some point. But just not right now.

My one goal for tomorrow: Be careful with my foot. It's still busted. And I'm going to try and update this journal daily, but it's no disaster if I don't. At worst, I'd like to keep track of my mind and budget on a weekly basis. But I feel like daily or once every 1-3 days might work out fine too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Day 0.

I relapsed and quit and relapsed a couple of times in the past few weeks. No gaming, al though things got close at some point. I feel like I still use porn as some kind of crutch to compensate for what I looked at games at for a while back. I dont' really have any game cravings. Though I think I've filled that hole with D&D and working and being social, and sadly, porn. I don't lose my shit over porn. But I feel pretty bad that I relapsed after 45 days. I want to do it better this time.

I went to see my mom yesterday together with my girlfriend. It was kind of nice, to be honest. There's still a lot of history there and I notice that I'm always inclined to take things the wrong way. I've had to face that she's neither some monster nor some perfect being. Normally people grow up and at some point realize their parents are flawed humans as well and not some sort of mythical watching angel. 

I also have a bit of a problem with alloquating time. I spend too much time on Reddit or Youtube, and so on... There's a financial issue right now too. It's been an expensive month, more than I had guesstimated. 

 

Recent highlight: GF spent the night and it was lovely. I also met her family and it was hilarious.

Budget status: Yeesh. I was making bank in the first couple of months of 2019 but also spending a lot. It seems my income has gone down but because of Japan, it's given me quite a dent. It's been a rather expensive month in terms of bills, insurance, power, ... I think I'll be fine in the next couple of month if I can land a proper gig or two. It's clear that my office job is keeping me afloat right now and I really do benefit from looking at what I spend on a daily basis. I've been spending money on frivolous things and it doesn't grow on trees!

My one goal for tomorrow: Be careful with my foot and the torn ligaments. I'd like to try and go paintball this weekend so I need it to heal asap because there's no refund.

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Glad you're alive and well 😃 I hear being sick as a foreigner in Japan can be quite expensive, tough luck for you there.

On 5/17/2019 at 3:43 AM, Phoenixking said:

doing only one thing at a time, and giving your full focus and attention to that one thing.

My counsellor gave me this exact piece of advise just today. One thing at a time.

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3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

It's clear that my office job is keeping me afloat right now and I really do benefit from looking at what I spend on a daily basis. 

This scares the shit out of me with my recent decision.  I do have considerable savings though.

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6 hours ago, taichi said:

Glad you're alive and well 😃 I hear being sick as a foreigner in Japan can be quite expensive, tough luck for you there.

My counsellor gave me this exact piece of advise just today. One thing at a time.

Yeah. The visit to the doctor was about 150 bucks just for talking to him. But I'm an informed dude. I know what pills I take and why, I already knew or had a strong idea what the diagnosis would be. But the dude didn't want to hear it. I paid 150 bucks to hear somebody say 'no' to me. He wanted to do a whole battery of tests that would have cost me 10,000 bucks! MRI, bloodwork, ... Sorry, but no. In the end, I had to take a couple of simple over the counter meds and after a few days and with some rest, I was okay. That doctor just felt like he was moneygrabbing and it's very unethical. I'm happy my girlfriend had my back and that her dad works in a hospital and she was able to figure out with some of those connections what was probably wrong with me and what the probable cure would be. I'm even more lucky that the hostel I was staying at had somebody working there who used to work in a hospital herself and was able to help me translate all of the names of the medications into the Japanese versions. All in all, I was just very lucky to be surrounded by capable people.
 

Apart from it all, I'm still very, very, very much in love with Japan. I'm totally going back next year. Literally éverything about Japan and it's culture fascinates and tittelates me to no end.

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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This scares the shit out of me with my recent decision.  I do have considerable savings though.

Two things about this. First off, I'll be fine. I'm not scared because I chose this and I control this. I control what I spend, when and why. If I'm in actual trouble, there's enough money coming in to make sure I don't starve and my bills get paid. It'd be a boring couple of months, but I'd still be fine. Even if I'd get fired instantly, there's always some shitty job somewhere that'd cover my expenses. It's all about taking your financial health seriously and doing some preemptive math. There's a good reason why I keep track of my money for 2 minutes a day. It's worth it.

Secondly, there is no amount of money that will alleviate fear. I went to a great info session a while back, meant for freelancers looking to get a bit more insight into financial security and mental issues derived from that. I really felt like I was well off, mentally. There were people there who had thousands in their savings and were still mortified to make the jump. Meanwhile I'm always dancing on the edge but I'm having a blast XD There were people there who were buying and selling huge patches of land for their (therapy)horse farms and who were juggling their entire life savings. But there were also people who had spent decades saving, toiling away at a boring office job. They had become véry well paid but had no true life joy because of it. They didn't want to leave their financial security to become a psychologist, working from their home office. If you think about it, it's ludicrous. So many different stories, ambitions, types of people, job choices and so many different amounts of money in their accounts. And in every single case, it was not the amount of money they had stashed away, it was how big they were making the gap they had to leap in their minds. That one really stuck with me. 

So as long as you're not being a dumb-ass with your cashola, you'll be fine. Do some math, look at your money, what you are willing to spend/invest and how much time you can chillax and use your money to cover the bill while you get your shit together and figure out your next step. You'll be fine. If you're on this forum, it means you're emotionally more awake then most.

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1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

Two things about this. First off, I'll be fine. I'm not scared because I chose this and I control this. I control what I spend, when and why. If I'm in actual trouble, there's enough money coming in to make sure I don't starve and my bills get paid. It'd be a boring couple of months, but I'd still be fine. Even if I'd get fired instantly, there's always some shitty job somewhere that'd cover my expenses. It's all about taking your financial health seriously and doing some preemptive math. There's a good reason why I keep track of my money for 2 minutes a day. It's worth it.

Secondly, there is no amount of money that will alleviate fear. I went to a great info session a while back, meant for freelancers looking to get a bit more insight into financial security and mental issues derived from that. I really felt like I was well off, mentally. There were people there who had thousands in their savings and were still mortified to make the jump. Meanwhile I'm always dancing on the edge but I'm having a blast XD There were people there who were buying and selling huge patches of land for their (therapy)horse farms and who were juggling their entire life savings. But there were also people who had spent decades saving, toiling away at a boring office job. They had become véry well paid but had no true life joy because of it. They didn't want to leave their financial security to become a psychologist, working from their home office. If you think about it, it's ludicrous. So many different stories, ambitions, types of people, job choices and so many different amounts of money in their accounts. And in every single case, it was not the amount of money they had stashed away, it was how big they were making the gap they had to leap in their minds. That one really stuck with me. 

So as long as you're not being a dumb-*** with your cashola, you'll be fine. Do some math, look at your money, what you are willing to spend/invest and how much time you can chillax and use your money to cover the bill while you get your *** together and figure out your next step. You'll be fine. If you're on this forum, it means you're emotionally more awake then most.

Beautifully said.  Thank you man.  How are you feeling now from your sickness and everything?

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19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Beautifully said.  Thank you man.  How are you feeling now from your sickness and everything?

Well, there's still a bit of mess left in my lungs. I saw the doctor when I came back from Japan and while the infection, bacteria, jetlag or whatever the hell it was, cleared up; he also told me that I have an allergy to pollen, most likely. One of the ways it manifests, is with seeming asthma-attacks. I have a puffer now and some days are better than others. It's only mildly annoying. I also bruised some ligaments in my foot the other week but I'm down to using just 1 crutch instead of 2. I'm going paintballing this weekend, though :p so all in all, let's say I'm fine but it doesn't seem like I'm going to be taking it slower anytime soon :p 

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1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

Well, there's still a bit of mess left in my lungs. I saw the doctor when I came back from Japan and while the infection, bacteria, jetlag or whatever the hell it was, cleared up; he also told me that I have an allergy to pollen, most likely. One of the ways it manifests, is with seeming asthma-attacks. I have a puffer now and some days are better than others. It's only mildly annoying. I also bruised some ligaments in my foot the other week but I'm down to using just 1 crutch instead of 2. I'm going paintballing this weekend, though :p so all in all, let's say I'm fine but it doesn't seem like I'm going to be taking it slower anytime soon :p 

So I had severe asthma and allergy conditions growing up.  Some of the medications that helped me build asthma and allergy tolerance/strength were Singulair, Rhinecort Aqua, and Advair.  I also did allergy shots for 8 years.  I'm better now, but in the month of May I struggle a bit so I stay indoors.

I suggest taking a shower before going to bed, get allergy covers for your pillows and mattress, wash your sheets and pillow covers once per week, and don't open any windows or doors for a month.

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Day 1. "The angry walk to the improv gig"

I did a pretty stupid thing last night. I have a bit of an issue with my foot. A week or two ago, during a gig as an actor, a fighting scene went awry and my ligaments were hurt. I'm not supposed to use the foot for a while to let it heal. But I'm the worst at sitting still. I'm not sure if it's my personality, inclination to self-destruct, stubbornness, hunger for freedom or the fact that I derive my self-worth from my ability to do and achieve things rather that who I am and how I feel and why. But I was supposed to sit down and chill. Instead I had to go outside. I was anxious as fuck. I tried watching a good movie but nothing tickled my fancy. Books, writing, D&D, ... It all drove me crazy. I wanted to get out of the house, stop sitting down behind my computer. This was a very difficult moment because for the first time in a long while, I had the urge to play games again.

There was an improv gig going on but no way to get there. Well, I could call a cab or use the public transportation. But I only had about 20 minutes to get there. No bike, 'cause my girl borrowed it. I lost my shit. Out of pure anger at the pain my foot felt, out of frustration and madness for being tied down by the damaged foot, I just hoofed it. I grabbed my crutch and my jacket and earbuds, blasted some Run The Jewels, and walked about a mile and a half. I hurt like a motherfucker and I probably shouldn't have done that. But the gig was fun and my girl showed up with the bike to help me get home safely without using the foot. Not my best move. But it did prove to me that I'm a bit of a warrior. And when life breaks your legs, you beat'm with your crutches.

Recent highlight: The improv gig was funny as hell.

Budget status: I really hate bill. I changed power distributor recently and it's so messy. I saves me about 150  bucks per month now. I'm just a bit scared stuff like this, because I don't know it very well, would bite me in the ass somehow because of some fine print in some contract.

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the geek quiz I'll be going to tonight. 

Edited by Phoenixking

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Day 2. "The gunshots."

So the quiz last night was fun. Exciting and punishing, though. Very hard. We were aiming for top 5. We finished 3rd, 2nd, 7th and 6th in the past. But this time we finished 8. But this time there were 32 teams instead of 16 so I guess it was still a good performance. I'm rather competitive so that's totally a factor in my disappointment 😛

Work today was slow and tedious. My girlfriend came over pretty late last night, we talked a lot and I didn't get a lot of sleep. I was pretty 'meh' at work. Did get some good freelance stuff done in the few minutes between and got a potential voiceover gig. So fingers crossed!

I went to an afterwork event with my girl. Slowly stole the show as I'm a good talker and networker. We even won a voucher for a free luxury breakfast at the hotel the event was at!

Afterwards, I drove her home to pick up some stuff for tomorrow. She's going on a big walking tour and needed her big boots. I was waiting outside in the car when I heard the gunshots.

I didn't really pick it up before or think anything of it. But there was some foreign dude screaming really loudly. I didn't even hear it until my music died down a bit in the car. It was coming from down the street, behind me. Some dude was yelling in pure anger, it was kind of scary but I stayed put. After all, I was safe in my car, right? There were other people nearby, kids, adults, BMX'ing teenagers, ... Suddenly I heard 3 distinct pop-pop-pop-sounds, like a gun firing. The people around me all suddenly started to move the other way, en masse. I figured I wouldn't take any chances and drove off and texted my girl to stay the hell inside. I wondered if I should call the cops.

I called them and they arrived within minutes. I explained what happened, picked my girl up and drove off. Before I called the cops, she said something a bit worrying. She lives in an area with a lot of immigrants. What if they would rat me out? What if 'that white guy' or my car get recognized while I talk to the cops or what if people know it was me who called? Would the neighbourhood turn against me? Is it dangerous?

I didn't care about any of that in the moment. You hear shots, you get your ass to safety and call the cops. Simple logic to me. But it's still rather worrying to me. She's going to have to return to there tomorrow. And I will too at some point.

 

Recent highlight: My girl and I had a bit of a fight and she got me ice cream and we made up. 

Budget status: Nothing specific to note. I got a few extra days I'll be working so I'm making some extra bucks at the office. I'm not a rich man at the moment. But in a few months I'll have a nice amount saved.

My one goal for the next 24h: Clean up my appartment.

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On 5/22/2019 at 6:33 PM, Phoenixking said:

Recent highlight: The improv gig was funny as hell.

Laughed hard at that. That must have been great.

I'm weirdly inclined to say a hilarious gig is worth foot pain, but as your foot seems to be in a really poor state, please take good care.

 

I'm sure nobody gets pissed off over such an appropriate police call. Good luck on the cleaning up but be really careful about your foot!

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Day 3. "The busted foot."

Work was pretty demanding. I no longer use my crutches. I can walk if I shift my weight and balance to the side and heel of my foot, it's the ball of my foot and my big toe that hurt. It looks weird when I walk and I go slowly, but it works. But today I had to be very physically active. I didn't hurt myself, at least not the part I was supposed to avoid. It's the other bits that are sore now... I now use my foot in a way that it's not used to. The muscles and sinews aren't used to me using them in a way that supports my full body weight. One of the managers suggested I find a phyiscal therapist, but I'm inclined to wait a bit.

I just white knuckled it and promised myself not to move when I got home. Straight to the couch, ordered food, had a drink, watched a movie, had a nap and I'll see another movie or whatever. I let go of cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. If I aim to survive paintball tomorrow, I have to take it easy on the foot for now. If it's not better by the beginning of next week, I'll look for that therapist. 

I don't think that paintball is a great idea. But I'm a decent shot, tactician and commander. I just miss stuff like that from when I used to play games. I'm véry competitive too so it's hard for me to let go of wanting to paintball. And I organized the whole thing, so it's a bit hard to back down. Especially because I already paid a deposit. I promised myself to take pills with me, extra thick socks, supportive bandages, braces for my knees, an ice pack and to not be stupid. I've already made the mental click to allow myself to get hit instead of risking further injury. I just hope the organization doesn't mention anything. I'm terrified they'd forbid me from playing. I'd understand, sure. But I still really want to play.

 

Recent highlight: I saw a movie called Kung Fu Hustle and drank some genuine sake.

Budget status: I had 1 huge wrap delivered to me by bike. 15 bucks. Holy shit I need to stop using this takeout app...

My one goal for the next 24h: Go paintballing (and thus push myself physically when I should be careful) but don't actually damage myself.

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Day 7. "The whizzing paintballs."

I woke up thinking 'OMFGYES, today is paintball day!'. I could not think of anything else all day. I sat down a lot, ate, got my shit ready and it deliberately took my time. I didn't want to force my healing foot to do stuff it's not meant for yet. I taped it up, used bandages, got supersolid shoes used for mountaineering... I sat down a lot during the whole process just to make sure...

And what happened? The entire thing paid off! I could walk briskly, run, slide, ... I wasn't fully mobile nor sprinting, but all of it was not as much of a handicap anymore! We won the first few games, I kept playing like crazy, ended up last and winner a lot without getting hit (super fucking proud). I love the competition, the tactics, the thrill of it all, ... It was interstellar!

Everybody was so happy and grateful to me for taking the initiative. My Krav Maga friends, D&D-plays and improv folks all meshed well. Afterwards there were beers and burgers and I slept like a log. An amazing day was had.

I also hit my head in the shower, fainted and lost my memory for a little bit. It's a weird, funny and graphic story. I feel like I need to turn this into a comedy skit.

Warning graphic sexual content:

Spoiler

 

There's also something hilarious and embarassing and of a rather graphic nature I'd like to share. It might be a tad too gross but if you don't want to expose yourself to my filthy shit, this is where you turn away. I took a long hot shower to relax. And also because it's enjoyable ^^ I washed my hair, my body, ... I was in there for a while, you know. The bathroom was starting to fog up pretty thickly and though I have a fan, the room got a bit tough to breathe in. I was doing what lots of dudes do in the shower, if you catch my drift. And I was enjoying it, almost reaching climax. Just before I hit that sweet spot, I noticed that I was getting pretty lightheaded. I continued, though, because I was sooooo cloooose... I remember thinking, am I going to fain..... 

BLANK

I woke up on the bottom of the shower. It felt like some kind of movie. I had no memory of what happened, who I was, where I was or what day it was. I was woozy and confused. So I did what I always do when in stressful situations, I calm down and assess the facts. I'm in a shower, on the floor, I don't know who I am or where I am. I started looking around and seeing if I was hurt and saw my hand covered in jizz. That's when I figured it out and it started coming back to me (no pun intended).

So I hit my head pretty badly while fainting and cumming at the same time. This made me lose my marbles for a little bit. When I came to, I didn't know who I was or where I was, but looking at my hand I quickly figured out that I like having a good time.

 

 

Recent highlight: I kicked ass in the first 4 games of paintball, didn't get hit and was the last man standing a few times, despite the busted food and the knock on the head I'd gotten.

Budget status: Paintball, burgers, beer, parking fees, ... Yesterday was kind of expensive. Lucky I'm getting my office paycheck soon, but there's also lots of insurance to pay suddenly. So I have to keep a tight reign on things for now.

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a good D&D podcast sesh and try and clean up a little bit. It's a pig sty because of the busted foot, but still.

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