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Phoenixking

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When you are used to doing things at work because you have people expecting you to, it is hard to work when nobody is watching, yeah? I have no boss myself, and never had, which is a blessing and a curse. Forcing yourself to work, aka discipline, is necessary in freelancing, I sadly have no other suggestions other than that. It gets easier the more you do it. 

Imho, when you're about to do a professional change like that, it isn't wise for you to prioritize hobbies, going out and other fun activities over setting up and completing your freelancing tasks, because what you are doing is piling up a stress stack awaiting for you and while you do everything else you still have all the things waiting for you at the back of your mind, not letting you enjoy the moment. At least that's my experience back when I gamed and postponed work. 

You don't need days off, you need to stick to your to do list once you're off work, complete things and that's gonna make you feel lighter and satisfied. As a freelancer, I'm often told how lucky I am to not have a boss. People have the impression that if you don't have a boss you magically have all the motivation in the world to work just like people with a boss do , and I want to warn you not to expect yourself to work all day like you describe in the ideal situation. It doesn't consistently happen with anyone I know in the freelancing world, maybe some days are like that, but most aren't when you're an average lazy person like most of us are. Work is work, even if we chose it over a 9to5 job. 

Be realistic, do a few tasks every day and watch the little accomplishments accumulate. The more you linger in doing nothing, the harder it will be to start doing tasks, the easier your bad habits will lure you back. Boredom loves instant gratification.

"Eat your frog. First thing in the day."

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Days without games & porn: 0

It finally happened. I was bound to. I broke. I watched porn, I drank and ate junkfood, procrastinated, ran away from feelings, didn't go to work... You name it. Apart from actually gaming I've just about fucked up everything.

Stress had building up. Working 7 days out of 7 and combining a horrible fulltime job with my demanding freelancing gigs is spiritual suicide. Right now I have a shitload of stuff to write with a deadline set for tomorrow and another one at the end of the week. I might as well shut myself in for a few days and do nothing but write. I feel horrible. The pressure is making me run away from the one thing I need to do right now: sit down and do the work. 

I also have 2 poetry performances this weekend, proper paid gigs with 3 other poets who are counting on me to be there and kick ass but I have yet to rehearse. 

The girlfriend is moving but her new housemate seems rather manipulative. I advised against moving but it seems the wheels have already been set in motion. I didn't have the energy nor did I feel it was my place to really get involved.

Went to family therapy. It started out very hard and cold and brutal. In the end we agreed to text once a week about how we were doing. It's been both odd and nice to get texts from my mom. 

I'm still scared I won't make enough money to make the rent, to travel, to invest in freelancing, ...

I am under a lot of pressure because of all of the above.

 

Grandma died.

 

I had lived with her for a few years. I left my chaotic, broken home when I was 18 and she shelterd me. Don't get me wrong, she was bigoted, mean and crude. But it's grandma, you know? She's been circling the drain for a year or two. She's at peace now. No more physical pain to deal with. She was basically a plant with sentience at the end. No more sight or hearing. A shadow of the person she once was. I'm okay with her death. I'm not a bawling mess. But it still fucked me up. I went to see grandpa. Never saw the man so emotional. My infernal dad is involved in the mess too. My sister was freaked out more because of knowing we'd run into him at the funeral and even worse: we'll have to talk to him and help arrange the funeral. Honestly, I'm not sure what I'll do when I see him. 

So I broke. Because of all of the stress and pressure of all of the above. Because I'm very demanding of myself. And because of that, I've put myself in situations that demand a lot from me. I'm not really sure what to do now. I feel tattered and frayed and everything else is in shatters.

Highlight of the past few days: hugging Elien 

Budget status: Big paycheck came through. Thank god for breathing room. But I notice that I'm still worried despite the paycheck. So it's not about the amount of money, it's about my stress.

My one goal for tomorrow: Make the deadline. No matter what you have to do to.

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Days without games & porn: 0

I broke and went even further down the drain. I don't know how many months it's been since I last played, but today marks the first day of my true relapse. I played videogames.

I know it's the pressure and I know it's a horrible way to cope. I can feel my brain buzzing and my hands are trembling because of all the adrenaline. 

 

I did manage to make my deadline but it got rather late. I also admitted all of it my girl. She is able to look at it with kindness and love, bless her. But a part of me feels like she should be judging me a bit more harshly. She feels like it's okay, as long as it doesn't actually interfere with my life.

 

I know it's horrible to say this, but maybe it'll be what gets me through the next weeks? I know I shouldn't. I'm an addict. But maybe, for now, the ends justify the means. I mean, I'm under so much pressure that I was sure to break. Better it be with something like this rather than having an emotional breakdown at work or missing my deadline or whatever.

 

I know I'm rationalizing. I know. I have no idea what to do right now.

 

Highlight of the past few days: Making the deadline, despite everything. 

Budget status: Got paid the big bucks. Set aside some money for next month and Japan and also going to pay my car insurance soon. I'm making rent this month and I'll have a nice bit of money for Japan if nothing daring pops up. 

My one goal for tomorrow: Write. Continue writing and try and get some stuff done for the deadline on Sunday.

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On 1/29/2019 at 8:45 PM, Phoenixking said:

Grandma died.

 

I had lived with her for a few years. I left my chaotic, broken home when I was 18 and she shelterd me. Don't get me wrong, she was bigoted, mean and crude. But it's grandma, you know? She's been circling the drain for a year or two. She's at peace now. No more physical pain to deal with. She was basically a plant with sentience at the end. No more sight or hearing. A shadow of the person she once was. I'm okay with her death. I'm not a bawling mess. But it still fucked me up. I went to see grandpa. Never saw the man so emotional. My infernal dad is involved in the mess too. My sister was freaked out more because of knowing we'd run into him at the funeral and even worse: we'll have to talk to him and help arrange the funeral. Honestly, I'm not sure what I'll do when I see him. 

I feel sorry for your loss. I hope that you are doing well. Stay strong and do not give up. You are in my prayers. 😢

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Sometimes life comes out of nowhere and crushes us. The difficult thing we deal with as recovering addicts is that we're closer to emotionally breaking than a normal person. We're already struggling with life, dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression, and walk that line of success and failure day and night. That's why it's so easy for us to keep delving into depression one week and then happiness the next. 

I know you're dealing with a lot, but when you're saying you're watching porn and gaming, possibly drinking, take a moment of serenity for yourself in the dark, alone, and quiet. Life is happy, sad, painful, rewarding, and most importantly...short. 

You're a bright guy. Although you're not where you want to be in life, it's that passion in your voice and heart that will carry you to your final destination. When you're fiery and happy you can carry a crowd and lead a room by the palm of your hand. When you're sad then the world is a sewer. Your personality can guide people but also yourself. 

In your turmoil I want you to call upon your inner self and remember what your dreams in life are. Remember how you want to quit games and porn because realistically they don't help you. They just distract you from your progress. Take time to remember your grandmother and make a dedication to her to live life. She gave you the chance to have a better life by living with her. Life is short and she wouldn't want to know that her passing put you over the edge with stress while you were battling everything else. 

There's no reason to escape from this. Face your adversity with the fire in your heart with grace and determination. We slip in life, but when we fall we damn well better get back up. Success is measured by how far you bounce back after hitting rock bottom. I say you don't just bounce back, but propel further than before. You know you're capable of being loved. Evidence is there from your friends, grandma, and elien. It's time to understand why they do and love yourself. Learn from them. That love will qualm the darkness you slip into with depression. 

You got this. 

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Days without games & porn: 3

So I went off the rails. I started binging on games and porn. I just lost it and I knew that I had lost it so it felt like I had the ultimate excuse to really dig into the addictions. I also immediately told my closest colleague and my girlfiend. The colleague was a tad dismissive at first, but she knew the whole story because I've know her for about a year and a half now. She didn't immediately grasp everything but then she started pushing me to quit again before it all got out of hand. I gave her my Blizzard-account info and asked her to sabotage it in two weeks if I didn't do it myself. That way I had a dead man's switch. She'd pull the trigger behind my back and without my consent if it had to come to that. She's an amazing person for wanting to do that.

My girl took me to a swimming pool/water resort/day spa/sauna thing nearby. It was very relaxing and we had a long conversation about gaming. I ended up explaining why it's so dangerous to me and how quickly I lose control. But how at the same time it's effect on my can also be positive. It'd been using it as some sort of digital adrenaline. To wake myself up quicker in the morning, to amp myself up before a gig or writing session, as an alternative to a third cup of coffee at night while writing, ... It helps me blow off steam and makes me feel good. But it also makes me lose a lot of time and it doesn't sharpen any real life skills. I told her I didn't want to be that person anymore and expressed to her to never believe me when it comes to games. That my brain is that of a junkie and if I want to be, I can be very persuasive and clever, she has to be strong if she's to help me battle the monkey on my back. 

She took it in stride. I am so madly in love with this girl. I gave her my account info and she sabotaged it Friday night after her D&D sesh. I had also texted my project leader from the writing gig. They'd been pressuring me way too much and I stood my ground. They apologized and backed off. I am very proud of that. I should have done that sooner. Instead of gaming, which was running away from the stress and problems, I should have handled the root of it. I'm sad it took me a few days of breaking and relapsing. But I'm happy I stood up for myself after all.

And then there was the funeral. I cried so much. I couldn't keep it together. I just unloaded. My sister gave a speech. I am so proud of her, the way she deals with it all and carries herself. She's truly growing up quickly and getting over her past issues. Badass chick. My gf was with me the whole time. She held my hand and just supported me through it all. I saw my mom and my dad in the same room for the first time in 15 years. The fact that Elien was there made it so much crazier. There was a lot of complicated emotions afterwards too. But all in all it was cathartic and positive. It also reinforced the bonds between Elien and me majorly. She called me 'the man of her dreams'. Despite the addiction and the stress, she's truly in love with me and I am with her. We communicate so well about so many things. It's like we're the SO the other deserves. I've been through hell so many times it's made me a stronger person, I have learned to communicate and reflect on who I am and why I do what I do and so on... It's like I can finally put all of those life lessons to use with her.

I met her parents for brunch the day after. Nice people. Elien didn't just want me to make a good impression on them. It was important for her that they made a good impression on me too. I love that she considers that a two-way street instead of it being the classic 'future son-in-law meets the parents and Dad threatens to kill him if he ever hurts his little girl'.

I took a day off from the office today. Slep in 'till noon. My body must have needed it. I feel ready to start building up my life again, bit by bit, aspect by aspect. I feel the next weeks will be about managing the small parts of my life and bringing the writing gig to a good end. After that I'll probably focus on getting the freelancing stuff off the ground in combination with all of my little side projects like my podcast or Krav Maga.

 

Highlight of the past few days: Elien. And everything that's been said and done with and to each other. 

Budget status: Did the math, been keeping an eye on everything properly. I think I can swing the trip to Japan without actual worries if nothing major happens. It's an expensive trip. And I've been paying stuff back at Anneke, my travel buddy, bit by bit. I could pay literally all of it right now and then I could use my writing money for food and souvenirs. So in theory, if I were to make it through this month (or even better, the next month too!) without any major setbacks like my car breaking down, I will still be fine in a few months and can travel to Japan without having to watch my money like a hawk. On a side note, because of a loan ages ago, I still owe my mom 1700 bucks. I had a monthly payment of 100 bucks set to 30 months. But I had to stop it a while back because of the freelancing and Japan and all this jazz. It's been tense between her and me and it hasn't come up yet so I'm not going to poke that bear untill this summer probably.

My one goal for tomorrow: Have fun and put on a killer show at the improv comedy gig I'm doing. (I get to start teaching improv soon! yay!)

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Nice job dude. I knew you'd rebound. Sometimes it just takes time. I like how you reflected on how you wish you sorted this all out earlier. That's something you'll now be aware of in the future. We get hurt to become stronger. These are things that will keep you strong in the future. Forgive yourself for not sorting it out right away because you were in pain and this is new. Now you are aware for the future. 

That's the perfect way to deal with this in my mind. 

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Days without games & porn: 4

I didn't really achieve much today. I took a day off from the office to stay at home, recover from the crazy weekend and write. I ended up waking up at noon, chilling out for about 3 hours and then mostly doing random things and cleaning my place up. Laundry and dishes are done, so is the ironing, still need to take the trash out but that's okay. I even cleaned out the filter of my shower drain. Yuck.

I was supposed to write today. But it didn't happen. I tend to leave stuff like that in an external locus of control. It's like I'm waiting for the muze to visit me. But I know it's more about just sitting down and doing what needs to be done. I'm not very good at that yet. I'm trying to be mild and chill about it. I did have a véry harrowing weekend. And I can feel my brain clucking for another fix. It's starved for endorphines. It wants porn, games, anything to feed its pathways with yummy stimuli. But I've put limiters on my social media, Netflix, Reddit, YouTube, ... There's no series to binge or movies to watch. Calling it 'a starving brain' is rather accurate. It's like I'm having to teach my brain how to appreciate normal life all over again and it's really hard and unsettling.

I still have about 2 weeks before my ultimate deadline. I feel like I can keep sweettalking the employer. I'll be fine in the end, I assume. I'm still a tad stressed but less so than last week. I just need some progress. I just need to simply sit down and do the work. I'm going to try and wake up early tomorrow and get a few words in. 

I've been thinking about Elien a lot. Especially about her calling me the man of her dreams. I honestly couldn't imagine my life being okay without her. Obviously I wouldn't die or anything. But I feel like the connection is so unique and nurturing, I'd be hard pressed to find somebody else like her. The more I get to know her, the stronger I feel about commitment and considering an actual future with her. I'm lucky to have met her.

I guess I'll go to sleep now (10:30 pm) and try and wake up at 5:00am to get some work in. It's probably a tad naive, I'm not going to lie. I'm NOT a morning person. But I know it's going to help me cope with stress about this writing project. And after all, I did get a lot of sleep this weekend so I'm sure an early morning won't kill me. I'll be sure to get some coffee and some good music and I'll be fine after a shower.

 

Highlight of the day:  I think it's a bit sad, but it felt so good to find a way around my content filter and watch the newest season of Letterkenny with a beer.

Budget status: We're on track to properly afford Japan. Huzzah!

My one goal for tomorrow: Wake up at 5am and have a shower, some coffee and write.

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06/02/19 - 10 am - Days without games & porn: 5

I've started no longer journaling on a daily basis, it seems. Part of me thinks it's okay. Part of me thinks I should take this a tad more seriously. I don't know. I feel a bit numbed to be honest. 

I actually woke up early the other day to write. It ended up being 6 am. And I also ended up watching Letterkenny and doing work, but not writing. I keep being productive, so yay. But I keep putting off the writing, so nay. I'm actually rather scared I'll be getting a call from the project manager. It won't be uncalled for. But at the same time they keep expecting more than what was agreed to so I should still try and stand firm.

My junkie brain is pestering me. I can feel it. The wanting of a fix. Not per se gaming, tough. Just anything. Porn, Instagram, Reddit, booze, parties, anything. It's craving endorphins all the time. I'm pretty sure it's one of the reasons I procrastinate.

I'm a little bit lost nowadays. I hope I'll find it easier to get my head out of my ass after the writing deadline. I really hope I don't fuck it all up.

I had an improv comedy gig last night. It was a blast. There were jokes that bombed, though. It wasn't my best gig ever. But fun. I also had a lot to drink. Which made me get a hangover, causing me to not write. AGAIN. Nor was I able to wake up early to write. *sigh* It's really hard to keep being nice to myself sometimes.

 

Recent highlight: The improv gig and the roar of the laughter of the crowd.

Budget status: I miscalculated my optimism because I might start part-timing in March. So that's about 650 bucks I'll be missing and need to pay attention to. But that's only if they find an adequate replacement for me here at the office. It'd be good and would give me so much breathing room to work with. But also less money. I still feel like it's worth it. Investing in my potential is more important than worrying less about money.

My one goal for tomorrow: Write for 10 minutes.

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06/02/19 - 10 pm - Days without games & porn: 5

So I might get fired.

I fucked something up at work. I accidentally booked a flight for a coworker in September instead of March. Just a typo but with plane tickets worth 1300 bucks attached to it. They were going to have my head for this. Oddly enough, it's a company that makes a couple of millions a year, but still. I guess it's the principle of it all. They had warned me before that I needed to get my shit together, that I needed to focus more. But I don't really have a lot of focus. Heck, I even had a professional check me out and diagnosed me with a concentration disorder 😛 

Tomorrow they're checking a couple of people out to be my replacement. I was going to work part-time at the office so they're looking to replace me. After my fuckup today, if there's 1 candidate that could do my job full-time instead of part-time, they might go for it I feel. I feel very ambivalent about it. One the one hand, why would I care? I hate the job anyway and I always felt like it was in the way of me reaching my true potential. There's no money problems because I'd get a severance check for another month and I'd apply for unemployment government money on the first day and get just about 10% less money on a monthly that I'd do working there. On top of there, there's never a shortage in crappy part-time jobs. I could temp or wait tables or whatever. They don't really have anything to hold over my head. What's the worst they could do? Scream at me? Decibels don't hurt. They can't take away any money or hold anything back because it's illegal and I'm not afraid to throw some legal lingo around and threaten a lawsuit with a pro bono lawyer. I haven't stolen or done anything illegal. They worst they could do is fire me and force me to quit instantly. That's not thàt bad. 4 weeks of getting paid without having to work? Fuck yes, please. I'll find another job in a week or two! How hard could it be? I found this one rather quickly after all. 

On the other hand it's worrying me. The what ifs set in. What if I don't make enough money. What if my confidence in holding my own after getting fired is misplaced? What if I get into debt because of my arrogance? It's still rather unsettling to get fired. I've never been fired. I don't really know what to expect. 

I do think it's kind of funny though. Another person would probably feel really bad. I just laugh at it all 😛 I guess I just don't care about my job at all. I have nothing to lose, I feel. You can't take anything away from a man who has nothing to lose. 

Or I am in complete denial. That's possible too. In any case, things just got more interesting, I guess. I just hope that whatever happens, I don't relapse again. I want to keep my head up and stay true to my principles. I tend to make things harder for myself but at the same time sing war songs that I'll never die in battle. If I do get fired, I'll try to not take it personal. After all, administration is the one place I was not meant to end up in or excel at. I'm a talker, a communicator and an entertainer. If I get fired, I'll probably see what my options are and adapt to the situation. Worst case scenario, I have some time to put in maximum effort in my freelancing career before my savings need replenishing and I have to find a part-time job at a supermarket or a bar or restaurant or at some other office. I might like the change of pace. 

After all, from conflict you breed results. I went through hell when the ex and I broke up. But it turned out to be a defining moment for me and it made me so much stronger and taught me so much about myself. I feel more confident and authentic. Maybe getting fired will be the same thing?

 

Recent highlight: Filming of the promo teaser trailer today was funny. We're doing an improv gig at a festival/competition next month and we had to make a 20 second clip. It was fun!

Budget status: Finished calculating januari. Learned that food and drinks and going out is expensive. Also learned that going to Japan is expensive.

My one goal for tomorrow: Write for 10 minutes.

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07/02/19 - 8pm - Days without games & porn: 0

I feel so tired. I didn't go to Krav Maga and I'll probably just go to bed soon. I'm just all burnt out. The stress of it all is draining me. I wanted to go to Krav Maga but I just didn't have the courage to get up, get on my bike and go into the cold to go and work out. I had just had some crappy pasta and my stomach was acting up. I rationally knew that I'd probably feel better after said practice. But I just couldn't summon any mental strength.

I'm happy I put up limiters on my social media, Netflix and YouTube. It's 8pm and I'm all out of stuff I can use to procrastinate. I'll probably write a little bit and go to bed. I feel so emptied.

I didn't get fired. Yet. They did interview 3 candidates. One cancelled. Once walked out within 5 minutes, for whatever reason possible. And the last one was rather old. I'm not sure she'd mesh well with my and my coworker. That is assuming that HR cares about that after the ball dropping I did yesterday. I'm still convinced I could be let go any time soon. I look forward to it. It'd suck to have to scramble and get a new part-time job asap. But it'd also be nice to catch a breather for a few weeks. I'd get paid for 4 weeks if I get let go. That means getting paid for the rest of the month and then some. Bring it on, I say. I made a mistake, sure. But I try to not take it personal or let it fuck me up. I made a mistake, but that's all it was. I'm just really not good at paying attention. My brain is simply wired in a certain way. 

Elien and I have gone Facebook Official. I'll be seeing her this weekend at her parents'. I have office work tomorrow and and acting thing on Saturday. I'll have to squeeze in writing stuff here and there. I hope that I make the deadline.

I also succumbed to porn again. I feel like I keep using it to get my endorphin fix. I mean, there are worse things. But I'd rather deal with how I'm feeling in a healthy way rather than something so artificial and detrimental.

 

Recent highlight: I woke up an hour early with Elien to have another morning coffee date before we have to go to work. It flew by in a flash. That girl is so addictively bubbly.

Budget status: Already getting paid, bit by bit, for the writing gig. Yay!

My one goal for tomorrow: Write for 10 minutes. 

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I've struggled with porn as well this week.  It's tough.  I go back to the gym next week so I'm hoping I can make a better use of getting excited for things and getting energy.  I'm sorry to hear about your job situation.  I'm not sure what to suggest here other than keep looking for a new job.  Did you get a degree?  I forget if you mentioned whether you went to college or not.

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've struggled with porn as well this week.  It's tough.  I go back to the gym next week so I'm hoping I can make a better use of getting excited for things and getting energy.  I'm sorry to hear about your job situation.  I'm not sure what to suggest here other than keep looking for a new job.  Did you get a degree?  I forget if you mentioned whether you went to college or not.

Yeah. I really want to quit it. But I also want to quit alcohol. I also want to meditate and change my diet. I want to sleep more and read more. And so on... There's sooooo much shit I want/need to change that at a certain point I just figured 'Fuck it.' It's all so hard. It's insane to try and do all those things at once, too heavy. Especially with the job and money situation so crazy. I think I'm just going to have to look at things month per month and keep journaling and try to remain very aware of what I feel, what for and how I deal with it. Deep down I want to quit. I just hope that feeling will one day be the boss of me. But I acknowledge that it's hard and that I'm going through stressful times because of my crappy job and my unhappiness with it. It's normal to have a hard time quitting a bad coping mechanism if you're in a period where you rely extra hard on stuff like that to not go batshit crazy 😛

I did do some studies but never finished anything. I had to pay for all of it myself so I was very critical of the school. A lot of stuff I had to learn was rather useless and impractical. I did film school, though. So even if I did get a degree, it'd still not be worth a whole lot. My main skills come direct experience. It's cool, though, bud. If they fire me, I get a breather. If they don't, I'll keep sucking it up until I can go part-time. A big part of my misery is the fact that it's a crappy job and that it tires me out insanely. I always have to fight to find energy to do the stuff I want to do and if I could change that, that'd be a big plottwist. I took a few days off a while back to do other stuff and it felt amazing. I was so productive, it was crazy. If money was no issue and I had like a couple of months of rent saved up, I'd quit instantly. But because I had to pay for a lot of big stuff like my new furniture or a washing machine for my clothes, and now that I'm going to Japan, I keep living month to month with minimal savings. 

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10/02/19 - 10pm - Days without games & porn: 2

Fridaynight I went to a comedy show with my friends. Had a blast. Spent the night at Elien's en woke up to go to a training day for my new job at the prison. Yes, at the prison. I got one of my old freelance gigs back. I'm from Belgium and I'll be working one weekend a month in The Netherlands, the neighbouring country. It's for a company that rents a huge part of a huge panotical prison and has transformed it into the worlds most compelling and immersive escape game. I am one of 80+ actors that bring the story to life for the 400 players we welcome into our dark world, and we do that 3x a day. It's crazy, it's demanding, it's hard and it's the coolest shit ever. The writing gig I'm doing right now is for the same company and it's set within the same universe. The training day was to familiarize myself with what's changed in the last 2 years. It was the coolest shit ever. I even got taught how to do stagefighting!

Afterwards I spent the night at my girl's parents' place. We had a lovely dinner, a royal breakfast and a lazy Sunday. I also woke up early to work and write some more. There's about 6 pages to go and about 7 days left for the deadline. I think I can make it!

I can feel the tingle and jiggle of porn still in the back of my head. But I try to ask myself why I get the urge and what would help. I also feel happier now that the writing is going more fluently and stably and now that the prison gig is finally here and ready to welcome me once again. 

The GF and me are doing super. She's kind, warm, loving and supportive. Her parents are intelligent conversationalists and interesting. Her dad even borrowed me a book about Japan and their samurai culture! We agreed that me going to Japan at the end of March is going to be harrowing for our little lovebird hearts. We decided to spend about 6 nights together before I leave.

Recent highlight: Stagefighting is the coolest.

Budget status: Still okay in terms of day-to-day stuff. I still hope nothing bad happens and Japan won't be threatened.

My one goal for tomorrow: Wake up early, eat my frog, drink my coffee and write before I go to work. Preferably keep my energy happy and high and continue writing in the evening.

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11/02/19 - 9pm - Days without games & porn: 3

I can totally feel my energy being thoroughly drained by working at the office. After the whole will-I-get-fired-or-not stuff I'm over it. I was going to wake up early this morning to write but I couldn't fall asleep. I kept thinking about the office and stressing myself out. Despite having read a new book that Elien's dad borrowed me. I'm actually really proud that I was reading instead of watching Netflix! I just couldn't let go of the stress of having to go back to the office... Elien said that it's a signal I can't ignore and that, part-timing or not, it's something I should look into changing. I do miss being a barrista... I just hope I can pay the bills as a freelancer and barista. And I hope my knees don't give out on my. I'd probably have to make sure my physical health is up to par. But I'm pretty sure I'd be happier. At least for a little while. And I'd be leaving the infernal office behind. 

I'm really tired right now. I had this dude come over for some interview about fire insurance. It paid 35 bucks so that was 40 minutes well spent, I'd claim. After that I went grocery shopping. And now it's 9 pm and I'm totally spent. My head hurts, I'm tired and sleepy... I'll probably phone Elien and fall asleep. But my alarm is set for 5am. I HAVE TO WRITE OMFG.

There was something embarrasing too. There's this podcast I'm a fan of. It's a small time thing but the community is so active and funny. I sent them a mail to point that out and show some appreciation to one or two fans in particular. One of them is a fan of my own podcast and he gave us a shoutout a while back so I had to thank him for that. The second fan I mentioned was a girl who works in Marketing and PR and I kinda wanted to network with her a little bit, using our common link of being a fan of the show. But it blew up in my face. The three hosts of the show started wondering what was so great about this girl and they just blew it all out of proportion. They claimed I just wanted to 'drill this chick' and that I was being mad creepy by using their podcast. On top of that, the girl got soooo much unwanted attention because of it... She even deleted a few pictures because I got too much attention. She even sent a message to the podcast explaining how angry she was at me. I was devastated. I just wanted to be friends. I still feel hurt and guilty. I've sent her a PM with an apology but she's seen it and ignored it. I know that I meant to do well and that it was the hosts who blew it up and not me. But for some reason she still blames me. I feel so bad. So much for networking...

Recent highlight: I got to drive a colleague's fancy car today. 

Budget status: Got paid for another gig I did a while back. I'm going to have to start keeping an eye on when I get paid for what gig and what company or client still owes me money.

My one goal for tomorrow: Wake up early, eat my frog, drink my coffee and write before I go to work. At 5 am. No mercy, no quarters. Deadline is important.

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12/02/19 - 5pm - Days without games & porn: 4

I actually woke up early! I'm not at all a morning person, but it does really feel nice to get shit done so early on. I eventually realized I'd make my deadline if I pushed past some stuff. I called the office and asked for a last minute day off. They hesitated (because obviously they don't like me and it was a last minute thing) but eventually gave me half a day. I spent it well and I made my deadline! Not only that, but when I called it in, they asked me to take a good look at all of it and send them an estimation of how much it would cost and how much time it would take to get the next fase up and running. How cool is that?! If this deal is set, that means that Japan is on without worries and that I just got a recurring well paid gig as a freelance writer! My mind is blown! 

The afternoon at the office never seemed more dull. I've been Googling stuff about resigning, getting fired, unemployment cheques, ... The more I freelance succesfully, the more boring the office feels and the less I care. I'm so unmotivated at the office. I hope I can escape the cesspit soon.

I'm off to a romantic early Valentine's dinner with the girlfriend. I found this great Sicilian place, super tiny and super legit. I love being able to walk everywhere. I feel like a lot of pressure just got lifted from my shoulders due to this deadline. I still need to fiddle with some stuff, though. But in general, the succes of the project is in sight! 😄 

Recent highlight: Finished my deadline in a crazy daze of creativeness.

Budget status: With the finish of the current writing gig and the potential start of a new one for the same company, things are looking up 😄

My one goal for tomorrow: Don't kill yourself because of the boredom at work and apply yourself properly and full of focus at the improv training in the evening.

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14/02/19 - pm - Days without games & porn: 6

So I had a really romantic date with Elien. A tiny Sicillian restaurant, some wine and a candle. It was very intimate and romantic. And of course we had to tell a million hilarious stories and we, at a certain point, admitted to each other what we thought was the most annoying trait of the other. I told her that sometimes her breath smells and she told me that sometimes I smell like farts. We were laughing so loudly, other people were looking at us. I'm not sure if we annoyed them or if they were just happy for us, but we were in stitches. We also had a deep conversation about our future, kids, living together, marriage, ... Not that we want to rush things! Not at all! But it's nice to know if you're on the same page. 

Work was incredibly dull and boring as usual. But I was happy. Because of the romance with Elien, I was able to finish my writing gig early and it's looking like they might renew my contract. I also started prepping my character for the acting gig I got this weekend. I'm part of the cast of Prison Escape (Google it!). It's this huge prison they transformed into an escape adventure experience. I feel so welcomed by the directors and producers. I spent a whole hour on the phone with one of them last night. All of the cast are freelancers too and the company helps all of us out by networking with us. The photographers take pictures for everybody's portfolios, the marketing people teach the actors how to manage their social media and how to brand themselves, ... It's such an amazing and stimulating community. If I could make that my dayjob, I'd be over the moon... I'm good at acting and speaking in public. It's just hard to get a proper stable job with those skills. But I do feel appreciated and capable. Quite the opposite from what I do at that infernal office.

But I have to remain vigilant and not take any stupid risks. It's tempting though. The boss is a bit of an asshole, led by his ego. He kept shouting at my colleague. He's such a bad communicator. I am both scared and angry. He reminds me of my dad or some of my more toxic exes. I feel like it'd be very healthy for me to get miles away from him. 

I spent another night at Elien's. Lots of talking, romance, and since today is Valentine's Day, there's a special improv gig that I'm working at. I  just do the register, it's my friends who are on stage. Elien is coming with me and her 2 friends too. 

I got the feedback on my writing. It's an audiofile of about 10 minutes. I'm a tad too nervous/scared to open it... Maybe later today...

 

Recent highlight: Romantic date with Elien was amazing

Budget status: More writing money coming in. I'll be able to live comfortably for a while AND have no worries in Japan if the second contract comes through ^^ huzzah!

My one goal for tomorrow: Listen to the feedback.

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15/02/19 - 7 pm - Days without games & porn: 7

Another boring day at work. They probably have a replacement for me already but nobody's telling me anything. I got asked when I would go to Japan by one of the bosses. Probably to coordinate with my replacement/new colleague. My current fun colleague, the only one keeping me sane in that place, is probably going to be moved somewhere else. They're breaking us up. It's all rather  childish and annoying. They're not telling us anything. We don't know for sure if there's somebody new starting or not. We don't officially know anything. But I can't let my livelyhood depend on something like that. I have gigs to arrange and customers to woo. I'm starting part-time on the first of March, I don't care if they like that or not. I'm so done with this stupid office.

I'm nervous for tomorrow my gig at the prison, I'm not going to lie. It's cool to be valued for your capacities as an actor and be giving a big responsability. But it's also very scary. I could do a lot of things very damaging to the experience. I hope I don't fuck up. But I'm sure it's all just nerves and I'll enjoy myself.

I'm also very, very tired. I was going to see a movie but the office drained my dry. My brain is mush. I was going to see a movie with Elien but the both of us are just wiped out. We're going to hang out at her, have a shower bomb by Lush (look it up, omfg) and do a face scrub with blackcurrant. It's going to be hilarious. Then an early night and she's going to make me breakfast. I swear, this girl is the best.

I met another freelancer! I supported a local business that sells cool birthday cards and met the owner in person. We started talking and messenging over Instagram. I love networking. I love freelancing. I really hope next month is going to be such a game changer.

 

Recent highlight: I wired some money to my travel partner, turns out, I already paid her back for everything. That means that everything we've arranged in advance, the flights, hotels, rail pass, museum tickets or tour bookings, ... It's all been paid for now! There's even already about 400 bucks extra! 😄 So I just need to get paid for my new writing gig and éverything for Japan is paid for. OMFG THIS IS SO COOL

Budget status: All advance costs have been covered for Japan. Oof!

My one goal for tomorrow: Kick ass at the Prison. Be professional, use your skills and talents, be an amazing actor and give the participants an amazing performance.

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On 2/15/2019 at 5:24 PM, Phoenixking said:

Recent highlight: I wired some money to my travel partner, turns out, I already paid her back for everything. That means that everything we've arranged in advance, the flights, hotels, rail pass, museum tickets or tour bookings, ... It's all been paid for now! There's even already about 400 bucks extra! 😄 So I just need to get paid for my new writing gig and éverything for Japan is paid for. OMFG THIS IS SO COOL

Budget status: All advance costs have been covered for Japan. Oof!

My one goal for tomorrow: Kick ass at the Prison. Be professional, use your skills and talents, be an amazing actor and give the participants an amazing performance.

Sounds like it's all coming up Milhouse for you! I've just read through your last page of posts and you remind me a lot of myself in that you sound really, really hard on yourself. Take a step back and look at how much you're achieving at the moment and give yourself some credit! You're working through a job you don't like successfully whilst balancing a freelance writing gig (again sounds like you're doing great), a really awesome sounding part time acting role, and even finding time for a new relationship in there while saving up to go see Japan. Even with the relapse this all sounds damn rock and roll to me.

 Also "Maintenance of the Phoenix King" is the most metal blog name on here. Just sayin.

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20 hours ago, Circadian Rhythm said:

Sounds like it's all coming up Milhouse for you! I've just read through your last page of posts and you remind me a lot of myself in that you sound really, really hard on yourself. Take a step back and look at how much you're achieving at the moment and give yourself some credit! You're working through a job you don't like successfully whilst balancing a freelance writing gig (again sounds like you're doing great), a really awesome sounding part time acting role, and even finding time for a new relationship in there while saving up to go see Japan. Even with the relapse this all sounds damn rock and roll to me.

 Also "Maintenance of the Phoenix King" is the most metal blog name on here. Just sayin.

That last phrase really made me laught out loud; thanks! I do tend to be rather demanding of myself. I have difficulties with chilling out and just being happy with things. I feel like I've wasted so much time gaming. There's a career to be made here and I'd rather do it while I'm young! Although you are right. Explaining why I'm being hard on myself is one thing but it's no excuse. I feel like being kind and forgiving to myself is one of my big life lessons I've yet to grasp.

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17/02/19 - 9 pm - Days without games & porn: 0

I still haven't listened to the feedback on my writing. But I did open up to my mom about it despite our complicated relationship. She's good at lingual stuff. I'm about to listen to it and process the notes on the writing.

The acting yesterday was amazing. Incredible. I received a véry warm welcome and some gentle hazing. It was challenging but my director had my back. I learned a lot. I met a boatload of new freelancers. It's crazy. I really feel like this was a good step in the right direction. This kind of stuff is why I was put on this planet, honestly.

I had to leave home at 6 am to come back at 11 pm. Rough day in terms of working hours. But it's such a passionate community and such a fun gig, I do that with a smile. Compared to the office, it's a welcome change of pace. Needless to say I crashed into my bed as soon as I came home. But I woke up with a big smile. Today I finished a casting tape for a commercial about a tv-chef. I hope I get the gig, it's a 1000 bucks for wage. That's a pretty big deal. If I could get that tax-free, I'm set for the next couple of months, I feel. I also went out for drinks with Elien (she was my camera buddy for the tape). We were supposed to buy food and not spend too much money but the supermarket was closed so we ended up at a Mexican bar drinking Mezcal and eating tacos. We are completely head over heels with each other that such random amazingly fun nights are possible. Our relationship is only getting deeper.

Sadly, I relapsed. I woke up and after an episode on Netflix, I started to feel a little lost. I had had breakfast, I had stuff to do, but it just ... My computer was still at Elien's so I was arranging everything on my phone. I ended up giving into an urge and browsed Reddit for a bit. I acknowledge my addiction to stuff that gives me instant gratification and endorphine rushes. I try not to look at actual porn and attempt to bridge the gap temporarily with pornographic images, as some sort of nicotine patch. But I slipped. I figured that if I'm going to have to reset the timer, I might as well go all out. So I watched porn. I knew I'd feel bad and I knew I had a choice. I could just as well be honest with myself and reset the timer because of the pornographic images but also not go to the porn site I had in mind and be a tad more proud despite the reset and not go through with the urge I was having.

But I caved in. Sadly. There's still a long ways to go. 

Recent highlight: The acting gig was amazing and the date with Elien both had us over the moon.

Budget status: It'd be great if I land the commercial. 

My one goal for tomorrow: I have a date with Elien, we're going to see a movie. My one goal tomorrow is to try and make sure I do something productive, so clean up, dishes, something like that...

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