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Hmmge

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  1. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Lost Ark Detox Days 18 / 90 Woke up late due to staying up late last night doing music, oh well. I was very unfocused and low energy all day because of that, but I did the best with what I had so I'm still happy. Had a dense meeting with my life coach as well, discussed some emotional awareness/processing stuff regarding family so I will let that swim around tomorrow and probably set up some meetups with dad on thursday. Otherwise all good, progressing slowly but surely.
  2. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Lost Ark Detox Days 17 / 90 Very productive day, lots of intentional activity including coding, re-organizing the room, consolidating music production files so I can start with that as well this week and others. What I'm going to focus on the next couple of days is to start using pomodoros to make working more focused because I'm still very much all over the place even though I'm spending the time on the right thing. On top of that, I will also start exercising, maybe start with a flexibility routine for now and then hit the gym next week. Hmmge.
  3. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Lost Ark Detox Days 11-16 / 90 Oooooweee interesting couple of days. I spent a lot of this week just sleeping to be honest. I think I broke my own records of consecutive sleep time, but if not, I definitely did for total sleep time in a week. Change of mind, change of energy, seems like the body had some resetting to do as well. However, I do use sleep as a mechanism for escape as well and I am aware that played a role for sure. What's more effective than an mmo in shutting down the conscious mind, getting rid of all anxieties and worries? Well, being literally unconscious in sleep of course! The wonders of human brain. Whoptyfuckingdoo. You can tell I'm tired/sleepy by the way I'm writing. Anyways I also saw myself seeking for some kind of escapism in games/shows/reddit/youtube, this week was tough and I had a hard time doing stuff, but in the end I drew energy from my inspirations, allowed myself to fail, and eventually bounced back on the weekend. Started brushing up on my coding skills as well as playing the guitar/piano. I'm looking forward to continuing that and getting into even more exciting stuff next week! Extended the detox to 90 days. Never felt any desire to go back to it thankfuly, the same energy is simply being directed towards other things. Like a flow of leaves I need to blow it in the direction that is most fulfilling, because that current never left and will probably never leave. I might extend the detox to other things as well eventually, but for now this is good. Writing this journal after a long talk with a friend, which was already WAY too late for me to start but he needed a listener so I was glad to be of help to someone and even if I wake up in the afternoon tomorrow, it was worth it and I'm happy I did a good job today. I'm an awesome person and I want to project my love for life out there
  4. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Lost Ark Detox Days 11 / 14 Quick update because it's late night, been out to a small shisha bar playing some paper magic with buddies, really cool sess. That plus going out to get a haircut took a lot of time, but despite of that I accomplished a lot today, most importantly getting back in touch with family in a small way, setting up a possible meetup next week. That has been a big point of anxiety for me and I'm glad I was able to not evade that emotion, but rather notice,observe, and let go of it instead. Big D(detachment) energy.
  5. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Lost Ark Detox Days 9,10 / 14 What a day! After SO LONG I genuinely felt like I had a productive day. A lot of it was chores like cleaning up, laundry, bills and after that a lot of brainstorming, planning and scheduling the next couple of weeks. What's even crazier than that is that last night I went to sleep at 23, and I woke up today morning at 8. Might not sound like something to be wrote home about, but to me that is huge. It set my whole day up for success and I felt great throughout. At one point I realized how much of the self-development work I've done through the years in the past has integrated with me fully. A lot of things that I know work for me were automatically picked up and it just kind of clicked. Things like intermittent fasting, the way I do my to-do lists, preparing a glass of water before bed, journaling here, standing&pacing, using a website blocker in a specific way etc. Got a plan for tomorrow already written out and it does include a couple of things that are anxiety-inducing for me but if it doesn't go as smooth as today that's fine, I'll do my best to prepare tonight evening as well as I did last night and just face it. Only way to do it.
  6. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Lost Ark Detox Days 4,5,6,7 / 7 One day at a time, I managed to get to 7 days. Wasn't too hard actually, the game puts an extreme amount of pressure on players so having that relieved felt good and I didnt feel like going back at all. In fact, on friday I told my friend I'm extending the detox for another week! I did play a few others games throughout the week for a bit. I think I played 2 games of league, both felt like a waste of time, about 20 minutes of overwatch, got bored very quickly and I installed starcraft 2 but couldn't even be bothered to open it. The only game I spent significant time on was MTG, because friends of mine have been mentioning they bought physical paper decks and wanted me to come some time for a ses, which is pretty awesome, but made me boot up the online version as well. Already feeling kinda bored of it though and more importantly, I feel like there are things that will make me feel happier and more fulfilled and I genuinely have motivation to do other things more. So for now I'm keeping this detox for lost ark only and focusing my mind on intentional action rather than avoidance. Still feel tremendous amounts of shame, disappointment and anxiety but at least I'm on the right track, no matter how long that track is and no matter how slow I'm going. It feels good to finally be genuinely trying my best even if my best is disappointing to me. It's a bittersweet concept haha. We'll see what comes out of it this week
  7. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Wanted to append this to the entry but somehow it got all sussy so let me try here
  8. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Lost Ark Detox Days 1,2,3 / 7 Lost ark, a fairly recent mmo western release, has been the heaviest anchor pulling me down this year. Certainly not the only one, but definitely the heaviest by a large margin. I could write pages and pages about gaming throughout my life, but for now I will say this: I have never seen a game designed so perfectly to manipulate the human's little lizard brain this effectively. As predatory as that is, there's honestly beauty to be admired. Much like fascination from how a disease can spread throughout a body's cells, or a drug can work it's way through an addicts life, or how a swarm of insects can cooperate to attack another nest. I shall make a longer essay, maybe even a video on all the addictive systems one day. Last friday, one of my best friends and one of my co-raiders that I've been playing lost ark with, quit the game forever. This came at a pretty interesting time when I had just finished a big achievement I've been chasing in-game as well as general discontent and burnout from the game settling in, as well as of course the absolute stagnant state of my real life. I took it as an opportunity to go along with him. He completely destroyed his account, giving away all the gold, destroying his accessories and armor, deleting all characters. That is the one and only true way to quit, because this game requires such an incredible time investment, once you destroy all that, there's no way anyone is coming back. Well, I wasn't quite ready for that kind of commitment, BUT I did manage to give myself a push and green light a '1 week off'. So I gave him my steam account to hold for 1 week after which I can just get it back without pushback. Just like they say in AA communities - 1 day at a time. I'm quite literally not committing to more. I will see how I feel at the end of the week(ending on friday night) and decide what to do then. But right now I can say, I feel great. Surprisingly not even feeling much FOMO, but that might change. So the first 3 days were pretty great. I went to see my friends after a looooooooooooooongass time. It was going to be just a short drink for a couple of dudes after work, but because I wrote in the message group that I'm coming, everybody got hyped and around 10-15 people showed up at the bar. Was pretty cool. Nobody was judgemental and everybody was very happy to see me so that's great. Next week some of us are going to watch the new episodes of rick and morty together, which coincidentally, will be on saturday, so during the first day that I could have my lost ark account back if I wanted. We'll see what happens. Anyways, I also exercised for 10 minutes, doing some flexibility routine. Might not sound like much, but for me this was huge. I re-connected a little bit with my musical heart, listened to a shitton of music and sang. I've got a tremendously large mountain to climb before me, but I'm happy I was able to take these first couple of steps forward.
  9. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Alrighty back in here after 2 months. I need to journal regularly. In the past when I was active on this forum every day, it has been extremely helpful. The little while for reflection, writing, and light planning always grounded my mind and helped stay on track or get back on track. I've had a great meeting with my HG coach today. At one point he asked me a question that triggered a strong emotional response. Had to take a breather after that one but emotional catarsis is always nice. Thoughts are popping up that it should be used as a propulsion point for change, but I just can't right now. Well, writing this journal is a positive action so that's good. I'm feeling pretty relaxed now and semi-excited for the day ahead. I have to reset my degen jetlag so that's gonna be an ordeal. A very vague, non-committal and chill entry for today. I mostly just want to write here for the sheer sake of it. Hopefuly do one more before bed too. After 24+ hours of being awake ouff here we go.
  10. Hmmge

    Go agane.

    Hello. Time for some good old fashioned personal development cringe! Haven't been on these forums for ages, it's nice to see things still up and running. Changed my display name but kept the profile picture the same, for the old times sake( @karabas?) So to TL;DR the last 18 months, I crashed down from my highest peak of potential down to the rock bottom. I did graduate, although taking longer than expected but hey it's still a W. Near the end of my master thesis, I really started pushing myself once again. I was set to be finally free from uni and able to do "whatever I want", which meant accomplishing some of the dreams I've had since a long time ago. So I started a business, had my dad help me set up the beurocracy because in this country it's a nightmare, and I started making the product/service. I researched and wrote, and planned, and experimented, and in the end had something workable. I started looking for trial clients and found some. I also found a business strategy/mentoring programme that I would enroll in that would help me grow and that I also believed was a good approach. I started working with clients for free, refining/iterating the service based on how it goes with them. The future that I saw unfolding for me in the next couple of months was incredible. It was what I was always dreaming about. It was my mission, to help people in a meaningful way while building income and being independent of location and employers. Plenty of potential for creativity and growth, while also not based on working 16 hours a day for 5 years. I also found a girlfriend(now ex), who was just the most wonderful person and the way we were able to communicate and grow in such a short period was great. I visited her in her country and lived together for a month while I worked on my business at her place. On top of that I was meditating every day, working out, getting up on time, eating really well, everything was by the books and I felt amazing. I was SO close to living the dream. This is when something went wrong. Because I still had no income, it was time for me to return to my home town and make use of a room in a flat my mom owns(used to live there during highschool/early college), while I get at least a bit of income going. The other rooms in the flat are rented to random people, but at the time I came back it was all empty. I set up the room for work and the next 2 days I kept working as usual. Before, living with my ex was a bit distracting and so I wanted to go FULL focus on this venture, working all day and get things going. But that did not happen. All I had to do is pull one final trigger, and that was enrolling in the mentioned business mentoring programme. It was very costly for my standards but I viewed it as a business expense, essentially a part of the initial investment, because I wasn't as naive as to think I could figure out everything by myself. Because of the huge investment of money and also time(as the programme involved a good deal of pushing myself further), I viewed it as the final stepping stone. After I press that button, that's it, I'm out of the matrix. I am now living my life the way I've wanted to for so long, my passion and purpose being fulfilled. It also meant no more video games and fucking around. Of course casual gaming with some story-based games would be fine, but I could no longer no-life 10 hours a day playing league or wow. I remember it feeling like in Lord of the Rings, when Sam and Frodo venture out of Shire and Sam stops for a moment in the field and says "This is it, if I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been". I couldn't take that step. I had no Frodo to grab me by the hand to go face the challenge together. I've spent most of my highschool days in this room gaming all night and the entire environment was pretty deeply ingrained in my brain to game. Coupled together with the challenge of taking that one final step, I just broke. I don't remember which game I played, but I gamed all day and deep into the night. I woke up in the afternoon, feeling like shit, and kept going. I kept in check with the clients and still did my work but it was very difficult to do and every moment I just wanted to game more, and so I did. I had no one to stop me there, no one could see my descent into madness, as I ripped my dream apart. At some point, I stopped working entirely and ditched everything, including my friends and girlfriend by ghosting everyone because of fear of confrontation. I was ashamed to show myself, to show that I did it again, after I was CONVINCED that I was finally 'fixed' and that I was on the right track. But no, the old Go Agane is back. Man I actually tear up writing this. It's been many months since then, and it's as if my life hasn't moved since. Literally still have no job, living off of what was essentially my fund for the business startup. I figured that this time around, I'll pick a different strategy for recovery. Instead of making a big and dramatic decision like I've done before, I will take baby steps and work my way up slowly but surely, as so many people recommend. But that apparently doesn't work for me at all and lead me into a spiral of complete lethargy and energy drain. One day I do a baby step, and then the next day I don't. It just doesn't stimulate my pitta energy, or maybe I'm doing it wrong. Either way, the life I dreamt about was literally weeks away from fully actualizing. And now, months later, I'm here sitting in the same fucking room, surrounded by trash and dust, barely having enough motivation to go outside. I'm still young, not as young as before, but still got time to fix this shit and get back on track. I don't think the dream is dead, I never believed in such finality. But it hurts. I want to be my own self again, vibrant, enthusiastic, creative, present. Not this dead slog of a body. Fuck.
  11. CALL SOMEBODY !! This is the most important thing and it is never mentioned in this community. Pick up the phone and start dialing! For real, addiction means the brain is physically damaged and to try and brute-force through the cravings with sheer willpower is a path to hell. Call any friend, you don't have to talk about the issue at hand if you don't want to, just ask what's up, how are things, exchange some stories, get out of your head and off your keyboard.
  12. Dude you're a beast congrats!
  13. Oooh, is your avatar Miller from The Expanse? Love that show so much^^ Welcome to the forums!
  14. I'm not a parent, but I'll share my 2 cents: It is vital that you give your son an alternative to gaming. If all he wants to do is gaming and you take it away, it will only create resistance and resentment. It's like taking all he enjoys away, leaving him sitting in a boring room with nothing fun to do. Even though there are other things, it's hard to see when the gaming immersion was strong. It's generally not a sustainable strategy to force somebody to do or not do something. Rather, we should try to make them themselves want to change. It might be the case that a kid is just too young to understand the long-term negative impacts, in which case the only way to make them want to stop is to give them something else they want instead. Is there something else he likes? Such as sports, building stuff, other outdoors activities, or even just other entertainment. Try to replace his gaming time with doing that activity instead. If there isn't anything obvious that he wouldn't mind doing instead of gaming, I would make it my highest priority to show him. To show him people(preferably teens) doing cool non-gaming things. I'd show him what even very young composers can do with music, how they actually do it in practice(Ashton Gleckman is fricking 18 years old and he's already a famous composer), I'd show kids building robots, I'd show kids doing street tricks with skateboards and parkour, I'd show programmers/hackers and what they can do, I'd show art, I'd show technology, I'd show travel, anything that might spark that curiosity flame that will engulf him by finding out about a completely new world and finding it even cooler and more fun than games. That's how I would approach it.
  15. Oh no I think your frustration was 100% justified. Also, when I read the title of this thread, I prepared myself for cringe and someone mentioning the communist manifesto, but I was pleasantly surprised ?