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Everything posted by cammyhammy

  1. Hey. Just checking in after a few month hiatus and came across your profile. I'm sorry you're dealing with depression, it sounds terrible. I'm glad you've come to the realization that escaping to video games is a symptom of a deeper problem than video game addiction. That's an important breakthrough. I wish the best for you, Mattso.
  2. This is tough. I'm back for probably the fifth time because it's the weekend and I'm facing some emotions I don't really like. I feel so alone. This is a serious problem. I just hung out with my friends last night and hardly twelve hours later I feel this terrible pit in my heart. The true problem at the core of these little emotional symptoms is probably my emotional repression. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Even though during the school day, I hang out with my friends for hours, and outside of school we hang out quite frequently, I still feel so alone. I really don't know that there's anything wrong with my friends. Reading through my last couple of posts now, I realize I may have over-exaggerated their negative features and not given enough consideration to all their positives. They're interesting. They're funny. They're not entirely without conversational ability or emotional intelligence. I think the problem here is probably me. I'm really not just saying this, I just feel (ironic, I know) that right now it's my feelings that are screwing me up in life. I don't really feel a connection with any other human being alive. I feel as if I'm living in a bubble, cut off from everything that could provide me the fulfillment I need to survive. I look at my family (who I still dislike, but not as bitterly as I seemed to a few posts back) and I feel very, very little. Sometimes I think that if my parents died, I'd be a bit sad, but that's about the extent of it. My little sister is constantly bordering on being intolerable. She is irritable, over-sensitive, lazy, deceitful, and somewhat addicted to her tablet. She has her moments where she's not bad (by most people's standards), but the problem is, once more, my emotional repression. When she gets really excited about something, I just can't get myself to feel the same way. At some level, I'm even irritated by her childish excitement. This is unreasonable and potentially destructive, I know. I really should be able to 'vibe' better with her (and with my family as a whole, honestly). I did some very cursory research on emotional repression and I fit so many of the symptoms it's almost certain (to me, a non-psychologist, to be fair) that I have serious emotional repression issues. I: - rely on escape hobbies, like binging YouTube videos - struggle with feeling intimacy - have serious self-esteem issues - feel lots of mental fog and a lack of clarity in my thoughts - cannot stand being alone - don't feel certain emotions (namely love, human to human connection, sympathy, and empathy, to give the ones that I can think of now) except for tiny snippets - have parents who very rarely show genuine emotion and who suffer from self-esteem issues I'm going to look for some books on this because I am underage and I do not want to get a therapist. I KNOW a therapist would be the best option, but I don't trust my parents enough to let them in on how I feel. If any of you have gone through something like this in the past and have overcome it (or just want to talk about it), please comment below. Hope you guys have a good week (<-- should mention that I say this because I know it sounds nice, not because I legitimately hope you have a good week. I cannot bring myself to care about how your weeks go, sorry.)
  3. Hey, John. It's been a minute (or a month) since you've posted. You doing alright?
  4. I agree wholeheartedly. Before I even begin to think about having kids of my own I am going to take a good long look at myself to see if I'm fit to do so. I refuse to burden my children with self-esteem problems that stem from my own insecurities. Staying away from gaming has been pretty easy, to be honest. It's not one of my bigger vices anymore and I've played maybe an hour or two in the last six months (got bored really fast, video games are no longer appealing to me). I'm sorry it took me so long to respond, I haven't been here in a while... I'm feeling pretty low right now so I figured I'd post. It's the weekend and Jesus Christ do I feel lonely. I hate this. I hate the weekends. I used to look forward to them every day of the week because weekends meant video game binging time and escape from real-life problems time, but that's no longer the case. Now I just sit in my house with my family (who I have problems with, refer to my last post) and do absolutely nothing of value (or at least it feels that way). Every once in a while, I feel really bad about my life as a whole, like I do now. It's times like these when I come to this forum to rant. I know few people read my posts, but it feels nice to vent. I'm pretty sure I need to find a new friend group. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and it seems to me that I've become complacent with the friends I currently have. I've been friends with them for three or so years and it's just so much easier to stay friends with a group that you don't really like than to form a new friend group. There are a few things that have contributed to this realization. 1. My friends are toxic. I don't know if I've mentioned this in previous posts, but I am a teenager. I don't know if it's a normal part of teenager friend group 'culture' because I haven't had any other real friend groups, but my friends can get really toxic. We (and yes, I mean we because they've influenced me to do it as well) call each other terrible names and say it's comedy. One 'friend' will tell another 'friend' that he is shit, that he should shut the fuck up, that he is socially retarded (this is one I received a couple weeks back that hurt me). We laugh on the surface, but there's only so much laughing you can do at jokes like this before it starts to permeate your brain. Even though I know they don't REALLY mean it, it doesn't help me to become the person I want to be when I'm constantly told I'm in some way insufficient. We also gossip behind peoples' backs. We spread rumors and lies and deceit under the guise of entertainment, never acknowledging that our chatter can hurt people. I should mention, my friends aren't always toxic. We aren't constantly being mean to each other. However, almost NEVER are we kind to each other. When I was young I heard that friends were supposed to be supportive and kind. That friends were supposed to be there for you when you needed them. That doesn't happen in this 'friend' group. I think we're a loosely connected group of people who have similar tastes in humor. 2. We hardly even have real conversations. We just make little jokes about one thing or the other and it's really not a cohesive means of communication. Oftentimes we'll just sit at a table and we'll all be on our phones because we're not good at making conversation with each other and don't know what to say when we get on to any topic that isn't a joke. One of my BIG goals (values? I don't know how to categorize it because it doesn't have a definite end) is to be really good at making conversation. I think to be a good conversationalist is to be good at making connections with other people. This is something I've been working on lately by randomly having conversations with people at school. That said, it really doesn't help me to improve when my entire friend group (who I spend 90% of my time with) doesn't make normal human conversation. I feel like if I had a friend group of normal people with whom I could regularly make normal conversation, I would be much better at it by now. 3. They're immoral. I really want to be a good human being. I've lately been using a test of 'would I be happy with my future daughter dating a guy like me?' to determine if I'm on the right track. The answer right now is no. Not because I'm a bad human being, but just because I've conceded too much. I've conceded to having a friend group I don't like. I've conceded to staying where I'm at in my life and not going up. I've conceded to doing a lot of things when I deserved better. To get back on point, it's really hard to be a good human being when all your friends are not good human beings. A few of them shoplift. One of them just got in his third accident. They pay so little mind to their schoolwork and their academic success that it's appalling. They are constantly looking for the easy way out. They say that you're the average of the five people you're closest with. If that's true, then I'm in trouble. On a related note: 4. I don't have connections with any of them. I think this is related to the fact that we never have real conversations with each other, but I don't really feel emotionally connected to them. I call them my friends because we joke around and we spend time together, but we're nothing more than that. I think friends are people who you joke around with, but more importantly, I think they're people you support and are supported by. I think they're people you care for and who care about you. I think they're people who notice when you're not acting like yourself and ask, without judgement, what's wrong. I want a friend group that motivates me to succeed. I want a friend group that inspires me to be the best version of myself I can possibly be, and my friend group right now just isn't that. They don't motivate me. They have no motivation themselves. This post is my way of recognizing that if I continue to surround myself with people who don't want to improve themselves, it will be significantly harder to improve than it needs to be. As usual, there's significantly more I could write. I am constantly thinking such things about my life. The trouble with this one is that it's not easy to make new friends, especially when you've become so entrenched in your current friend group. Despite this, I am determined to try. I'm not sure what concrete steps I could take to achieve my goal. Perhaps I should begin by making a list of people at my school I feel I have the potential to connect with. If any of you have any advice, please respond below. I hope you are all doing well.
  5. It's been a while. Here to rant a bit, complain about some of the things that I feel aren't going so great in my life, maybe talk about some random subjects. I've been feeling pretty isolated lately. I'm in one of those funks where I dislike my family intensely. My father is apathetic, stupid, and has anger issues. His self-esteem is absolutely terrible; he agrees with my mom on every subject because he's afraid to give out his true opinions. When he's ordering something or explaining something or really engaging in any kind of speech with people outside his immediate family, he uses a higher pitch voice with an odd and aggravating inflection. I don't know the purpose of him using such a tone (perhaps he thinks it makes him sound more article? more professional?), but it is indicative to me that he does not feel fully comfortable speaking as himself and has low self-esteem. He really is no father figure at all. He provides no real guidance, and any tips he does dispense are given to me and my siblings as if we were very slow children. God it fucking irks me to hear someone who is so much less intelligent than me and so much less aware (and so much less modest haha) speak to me so condescendingly. I realize I shouldn't let him aggravate me and I'm working on becoming calmer and less reactive to outside forces, but at present it really is painful to interact with him. As for my mom, she has low self-esteem as well. Literally every time she speaks to anyone who's outside our immediate family, she laughs after every sentence. It's fucking disgusting. You don't want to laugh. You don't find whatever you said or they said funny. Why do you laugh? She tells me and my siblings all the times that she "tells it like it is" while lying through her teeth during every interaction she has with a stranger in order to curry favor with them and to coerce them into forming a favorable impression of her. She's hyper-protective of my little sister and tells me off whenever I make even the lightest tease. I genuinely feel bad (or probably should, see my paragraph on emotional repression below) for my little sister. She is allowed to eat very nearly whatever she wants and is being shielded from the real world. The odds of her having low self-esteem are enormous. She already confesses to having insecurities about her body, telling us that her "belly is so large" and that she's "so fat". As for my friends, the more I hang out with the more I realize just how incompatible we are. They're the "bad boy" kind of guys and although I have no problem with breaking rules, I still feel so inhibited around them; I feel like I can't be myself around them. We hung out on Tuesday and it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel liked by them, I didn't feel socially ept. I know these are just remnants of my now lowered (but ever-present) social anxiety, but it's hard not to buy into them when none of your jokes land and none of your conversations with your friends feel right. I think I may want to branch out and find new friends I can relate to more. It'll be hard, but I think it'll be worth it. The more introspective thinking I do, the more I realize how bad my emotional repression is. I feel so inhibited in my day to day life. I cannot remember the last time I felt love, sympathy, or any real deep emotion besides hatred in real life. It was my dreams that made me realize I have been repressing my emotions (though how I repress them or when I began is beyond me). Very rarely, only a few times a year, I will have dreams in which I feel so much emotion it's overwhelming. Just the other night I had a dream that a friend of mine died, and I weeped and moaned and sniffled for a long time. I felt genuine pain because he was dead. When I woke up, I tried so hard to cling to the emotion, but within minutes it had slipped from my grasp. Even when the emotion isn't happiness or anything of the sort, I want to feel it. There is a queer joy in feeling any emotion at all. Without emotion, I feel very disconnected from the people and things around me. I seriously have no clue what to do about this. It feels like I've entered "get a psychiatrist" territory, but I'm not comfortable asking my family to do that for me for a number of reasons. I've been using my laptop a lot lately, and I know it's not good for me. I've been splitting my time about half and half between coding and watching Youtube. Even though I know coding is an intellectually stimulated process, there's something about staring at a screen for long periods of time that's just not good for me. I get this terrible mental fog in the back of my head that makes everything more frustrating than it should be. After I write this, I intend on doing something besides staring at a screen for a while. Anyway, I hope you are all doing well in your lives!
  6. This is probably a big factor in our development and our recovery from addiction. How many of us can honestly say that we have a supportive family or supportive friends who are willing to give us strength while we improve ourselves? I'd wager not too many. The unfortunate caveat of having been addicted to video games is that those closest to us likely saw us devolving into addiction and allowed us to do so. This means they probably don't realize the severity of our addiction or how badly we want to make ourselves better and they aren't going to support us because of it. I'm glad you've come to this community, Fawn. I hope you find some of the support you desire through our posts and replies. If we cannot find people in our lives that, to use your words, are strong and who can show us the positive way forward, perhaps we're duty bound to become those people ourselves. It's a struggle, no doubt about it, but I think it's a struggle we have a responsibility to endure if we want to help people like us.
  7. It's funny, I thought I'd post more once I got a laptop. Seems I was mistaken. I fear I've been making the same mistake with programming I typically make when getting into new hobbies; I invest too much time too quickly and become disinterested. I'm used to applying myself to easy challenges and making progress quickly. Perhaps it's a remnant of my time playing video-games when I could "achieve" great deals within hours. This is not the case with programming. I am frequently confused by programming concepts when I first encounter them and in order to make complex programs I have to spends hours doing research and going through the trial and error process. Programming feels less fulfilling now than it did when I first started. I think I need to take a step back and keep completing small challenges before I make large scale programs. I'm so glad I got a job. The other day I made lots of good conversation with my coworkers. Not good because it was super in-depth or personal (I struggle with getting to this point in conversations), but good because I expressed myself well and felt comfortable not only with making conversation, but also with being myself and not engaging them in conversation when I didn't want to. I've read some books on making conversation to help myself improve, but I dislike and disagree with the philosophies of the books I've read. They really seem to promote the idea that "the world's best conversationalists are the world's best listeners." They focus so much on how you should ask questions and prompt them to speak more about themselves, but even when I ask open ended questions and try to relate to people so as not to make the conversation feel completely one-sided and interview-like, I am not successful in conversation and I don't feel like I'm expressing myself well (I come off as boring, plain, unoriginal). I'm told that people like talking about themselves, but christ if most people don't eventually get bored speaking just about themselves. I need to inject more of myself and my opinions into conversations instead of asking questions and feigning interest in them. If anyone has any good books on conversation that aren't centered on the "just act as if you're interested in other people and prompt them to speak about themselves", PLEASE recommend them.
  8. Thanks, fawn. I appreciate the support. That said, I'll keep this one short. Got a laptop, partially because I want to bring it to school to learn programming during my free periods, partially because I want privacy to go onto forums like this and pursue self-improvement without fear of someone watching over my shoulder. Found out there's a term for what's happening to me in the nofap community. It's called "flatlining" when your libido just goes down the drain. They say it's because your body isn't used to not having the dopamine porn provides and that eventually you will break out of it. I am still a bit worried about this, and it doesn't help that a few of them said it took them years to break their flatline. Yikes. I need to stop buying things. I bought art supplies then got bored of art, I bought a guitar then got tired of music, I bought weights then got tired of weightlifting. I've wasted a lot of money and now have plenty of things to do. For that reason, as soon as I buy wallpaper engine today, I am not going to buy ANYTHING unnecessary for a year. Exceptions - when I go out with friends and we get food, small gifts for others, etc. Besides those, I will not purchase anything I do not NEED or that is above $15 until 8/24/2019. I have plenty of things to do, plenty of materials for getting into hobbies. I need to stop buying. Hope you guys are having a good and productive week. ?
  9. I absolutely agree with this. Addiction is in the eye of the beholder when it comes to things that don't seriously negatively impact your life. I've often found that my reaction to my addiction is more damaging for my mental health than the addiction itself. Video games weren't good for me to play. They made me angry and dissuaded me from engaging with other people. However, video games weren't the ones that called me stupid and weak and undeserving of happiness. That was me. I shot my self-esteem in the foot, not video games. If you really think you're overdoing something, don't do it as much and don't make it out to be such a big deal in your mind. You're right, ordinary people get addicted to things all the time. The difference between us and them is that we consciously recognize our addictions and often hurt ourselves because of it. GL, brother.
  10. Where you @, Mattso? It's been a couple weeks, you doing alright?
  11. I love how to the point your posts are Mohammad, but know that you're free to explain your feelings about gaming or your journey in greater detail if you'd like. Good luck!
  12. Come to a bit of a realization regarding addiction lately, thought I'd share. I've been struggling to improve my relationship with my phone and to decrease my phone use. I haven't been very successful in the long-term. I made my phone gray-scale so I'd be less interested by colors, I removed games from my phone, I set limits for my usage. None of this helped for more than a few days, if even that. Then I figured it out: physical obstacles are not cures to our addictions. Making a physical barrier between me and my phone, even if it was as extreme as locking it in a safe for a month, would not solve my phone addiction. In the aforementioned hypothetical example, when the month was up and I took my phone out, I would've just become addicted again. Instead of trying to physically remove my access from my games, my phone, or any other vices I have, I should instead seek to understand why it is I am addicted. I understand that phone addiction and video game addiction and porn addiction are wrong for me. I can give you reasons. It's by a lack of awareness and thought that I pick up my phone, play video games, and watch porn. For this reason, I'm now trying to establish a habit of mindfulness in connection to these areas (phone and porn usage especially). I've gone so far as to take my phone lock-screen wallpaper and write "why?" on it to remind me to question why I'm picking up my phone every time I do. Unfortunately, I feel I may struggle with breaking my porn addiction so far as this strategy is concerned. Hormones literally change the way my brain operates. Every time I break my streak, I think about if I should beforehand and convince myself with logic that appeals to my desire in the moment that porn isn't that bad for me, that plenty of successful people watch it and do fine. Of course now, when I'm thinking clearly, I understand that porn is bad for me, that it warps my perspective on the value of women and that it rewires my dopamine receptors. It's difficult to remind myself of this when I want to watch it, though. Rode my bike this morning before work, felt good man. Starting coding a bit, learning Python. I'm struggling with it right now and it's hurting my ego. I can't help but feel stupid when there are tons of people on forums explaining issues I don't understand (like the use of the self argument in classes, for example) with what is, to them, the simplest of language and I don't understand it at all. Think I might be diving in too deep right now. I'm gonna tone it down and learn more slowly so I don't get discouraged. I'm sorry this post is so long. I know a lot of my posts are kind of long. The wall-of-text discourages people from reading my writing. In fact, if you've read through this entire post, I commend you on being one of the few that did. I want to have thorough, constructive discussions on recovering from addiction and on general self-improvement, but I never really have. Half my motivation for writing these posts is to make my thoughts more clear to myself. It's easy, being addicted, to get stuck in a grey area where you're not sure if you think your addiction is wrong, but don't know why. I write these posts as reminders for myself, my reasoning for quitting video games and for doing the things I do. I wish I had a friend that is committed to self-improvement like I am. All my friends couldn't care less about self-improvement. If any of you are in EST and wanna keep each other accountable for our habits (i.e. not playing video games, meditation, exercise, whatever), let me know and we can set something up. Hope you all have had a good week! Anyone got plans for the weekend?
  13. First and foremost, I'm sorry if what I wrote a few days ago or am writing to you today seem like attacks. I really don't mean for them to come off that way, it's just hard for me to consider the way someone might interpret my writing. That said: I'll agree with @JustTom in that if you believe your usage of what I called "weeaboo" language is okay, you should continue doing so. Your opinions and perspectives, so long they are founded on reason and have been carefully considered, should always trump that of other people, especially concerning your own well-being. That said, I stand by what I said and still think you shouldn't use it. I really have no statistics or names of psychological conditions to back up my claim that it might be negatively affecting your growth, but I can't help but feel as if it is. For one thing, anecdotal as this is, every person I know that uses language like you do is legitimately socially stunted. I am not joking. The people I've met at school that use language like yours are the people who never raise their hand in class, never communicate with anyone outside their 2-3 person friend-group, never really grow as a person. Perhaps using such language is a symptom of a larger issue and not the cause, but I'm not sure what the cause would be. Another thing I have against language like that: the gamequitters philosophy is really based on becoming less "escape" prone in your life. We are here because we use video games to escape from problems we have in real life. Your language is a reference, I can only assume, to anime communities and anime itself. I know this is a controversial opinion, but I think by using words like yours you're subconsciously indulging the fantasy of anime worlds. You're "escaping" in a sense to a universe that's brighter and simpler than the one we know. By using the language as if it is a standard, you're getting away from your real-world mindset, if only while writing your post. I could be completely off. I don't know you in real life. I don't know how you feel or if you have fantasies of living in an anime world. However, if you can relate to at least one piece of my thinking, take some time to consider why you use words like "uwu" and "hehe". Think about how you feel when you write those words as opposed to how you feel writing more accepted words. It's awesome that you've decided to take up a walk in the morning. For the first time in a while, I went on a bike ride this morning before work. It was really refreshing and nice to appreciate nature and to feel so connected to the world around me. Fingers crossed that both you and me can keep it up.
  14. @fawn_xoxo checked out those Socratic worksheets, I'll try one out the next time I find myself polarizing an issue (like gaming, nofap) that isn't quite as one-sided as I'd like to believe. I appreciate the advice. There's this belief central to Stoicism that it's our reaction and our interpretation of things that is the cause of our problems instead of the things themselves. I think this is especially true for those of us trying to break our addictions. Whatever we were addicted to was likely bad for us, given that we were trying to rid ourselves of it. However, by criticizing ourselves when we relapse and by being harsh toward our past selves for being addicted we make the problem much worse than it likely is and make it much harder to quit. Too bad it's not as easy to implement beliefs like that into our daily lives as it is to type them out, eh?
  15. Congrats on starting your journey to recovery. One piece of advice I might want to give you: I think it might be wise that you stop using what I'll call "weeaboo language" for lack of a better term. Randomly interjecting phrases like "hehe", "ehe", or "uwu" makes it hard for me (and maybe for others, I haven't heard anyone else nag on this so I don't know) to take your post and you as a person as seriously as I would like to.
  16. 7/1/2019 -------------------- I think I was right about me having an attitude problem with hobbies. I've started trying to approach my hobbies with a "do it if I want" instead of a "I need to do this" attitude and it seems to help me stay more relaxed. I'm starting to learn Javascript and I like the concept of being able to make my own app, so that's keeping me entertained. My job, although part-time, is also taking up a lot of my time, which is nice. My days don't feel unfulfilling when I have work because I'm almost constantly doing something. I also enjoy improving at socializing with people, and am trying to improve my small-talk skills right now. I know the point of this forum is resisting the urge to play video games, but I don't really get urges to play video games. I think I've successfully conditioned myself into believing that video games aren't good for me and make me unhappy, so my brain doesn't want them anymore. Who knows. I also said earlier I was starting nofap. I've been consistent with this, although it might just be because I've not gotten the urge to break my streak once. Kind of worries me lol. I'm a young man with presumably high amounts of hormones and I get NO urges to fap? Might've screwed up my libido somehow, yikes. I'm trying to set myself up with a couple new habits right now, taking it slowly because I know if I rush into it I won't stick with it. I'm trying to go to bed/eliminate technology usage by 8:30, read until 9:30, then fall asleep before 10:00 so I can wake up at 6:00am. I used to go to sleep even earlier than that for school, so I think the odds of me being successful in this are high. I'm also (for the 100th time) trying to establish a habit of meditation. I think I overdid it before with high requirements for the amount of time to meditate so this time I have no time requirement, I just ask myself that I meditate. Could be for 1 minute, but often times once I sit down I like it and want to do more. I think this will allow me to stick with it. Anyway, I hope you guys are doing well and have a good week. Anyone got plans for the 4th of July?
  17. I'm with Fawn and Nugget on this. Allowing yourself even a little time to play video games is starting down a slippery slope that we, addicts by our own admission, shouldn't begin. I'd warn very heavily against giving yourself just "a few minutes" to play or going with the voice in your head that tells you it's "not that bad" to play video games. Trust me, I've been there before. It's very easy to rationalize playing video games. You just tell yourself that they're not that bad and that you're not gonna play for that long. Unfortunately, that kind of thinking has always led me into relapse and into more wasted, unfulfilling time. I'd also recommend that you don't trying breaking or making too many habits at once. I haven't read up on habit making too much (perhaps Fawn could clarify this seeing as how she's read Atomic Habits), but I know if you try too many things at once you're a lot less likely to stick with them. Right now your focus should be breaking the habit of playing video games. Good luck in your journey brother, stay strong. ?
  18. 6/28/2019 -------------------------- Aren't hobbies supposed to help you relax and unwind? They don't help me do that. I've tried doing art, I've tried speedsolving (rubik's cubes), I've tried reading (helps somewhat, but I can't fill all my time with it), I've recently bought a guitar and started playing, I've tried writing, and probably a dozen other things that are slipping my mind at the moment. I think there's something wrong with me if I can try so many hobbies that a vast majority of people enjoy and still get stressed out by them. I just want to relax. I cannot relax. I've started my job and it gives me frequent opportunities to socialize, which is nice. I'm actively trying to become more social. I feel so unfulfilled in my life right now. I make to do lists, but feel nothing when I accomplish the things on my to do lists. I make goals, but don't feel accomplished when I accomplish those goals. It's like I'm never good enough. I am constantly struggling to find any semblance of meaning in my life. Please help. In case you couldn't tell, I'm going through a bit of a rough patch. Some other posters recommended permanently deleting my accounts. I was scared to delete my accounts because I thought it would hurt my relationship with my brother. I decided to do it anyway. Turns out, deleting accounts is a bit time-consuming and complicated. I needed to have the credit card # used for purchases to delete my steam account, so I asked my mom for it as I don't have a card and have been using hers. She, the person who has told me for years that I spend too much time on the computer and who has witnessed me slowly descend into addiction and social alienation, told me that I shouldn't delete my account and that I should just "have some willpower". My brother told me I'd end up playing them again anyway. Jesus Christ they frustrate me. I admit that I'm jealous of people on these forums who have support from their families and friends because everyone I've talked to IRL about video game addiction doesn't believe its real or doesn't understand that I'm trying to better myself. I'm almost positive I've done the right thing (I deleted my Blizzard Account and changed the email on my Steam to a random one I don't have access to so I can't use it anymore), but it's hard to stay convinced of that when everyone around you tells you you're wrong. I'm so glad this community exists because otherwise I really wouldn't have any positive feedback at all about quitting video games. Anyway, hope you guys are having a good week. What plans do you guys have for the weekend? Have any of you struggled with finding meaning in life?
  19. Don't worry, after you stop playing video games for a while (can't give you a specific time frame because all brains are so different), real life starts to get more fulfilling. You get more perspective on video games and realize just how meaningless they are. Something I like to remind myself of time to time when I get urges (which is pretty rare at this point, maybe one real one every couple weeks) is that I spent thousands of hours playing video games and I legitimately have nothing to show for it. No real gaming friends, no skills (except perhaps being able to type fast), nothing that translates to real life Keep going man, it's worth it.
  20. I've thought about this some, too, and I've come to the conclusion that gaming is both a cause and a symptom. Gaming all day makes you feel worthless, and feeling worthless makes you want to game because you think you're undeserving of anything else. You want to escape from real life, so you play video games. As for vilifying gaming, you probably have. I know I did at first. I thought it was the cause of every problem in my life and I felt so bad for everyone who played video games. I thought gamers were stupid for spending their time on something as worthless as gaming, despite having done what they do for years. I was wrong. I have plenty of friends who maintain a good social life, have a job, and are generally fulfilled with life while still recreationally playing video games. I just can't be like that. I'm more susceptible to addiction and I would guess that most people on this forum (yourself included) are too, which is why we've decided to quit. Video games are not inherently bad, they hold just as much worth as any other hobby that allows you to relax and unwind. That said, if they make you as frustrated and empty inside as they made me, then perhaps they're bad for you, just as I know they're bad for me. I also guarantee that gaming is not the cause of all the problems in your life. I've quit gaming for a while now (ignore whatever my entries say, the numbers are a bit screwy because I'm inconsistent with posting) and I've been able to recognize that a lot of my issues don't come from gaming. Gaming served as an escape from my problems and it definitely gave me some anger issues and social ineptitude, but it isn't my only issue. I don't play any more and I still feel socially anxious/inept sometimes (working on this, I think I just need to socialize more). I still occasionally experience drops in self-esteem. I still feel impatient and angry at things that don't deserve my anger. That said, my life has improved greatly since I quit. I've actually hung out with friends multiple times (which I hadn't in literal years). I've gotten a job. I've just started playing the guitar and I'm working on my writing (I want to be a writer). Please keep going and if you feel empty, pick up some hobbies. I would VERY much recommend buying a Kindle. You can search up a guide on Reddit for downloading books for free, it's very easy. I've not paid a dime and I have some of the greatest books of all time, which I've enjoyed greatly. Do some things outside. Another tip: I always find that the days when I'm most productive/achieve the most are the most fulfilling days. Make a checklist of things you want to do for the day (can really be anything, start small) and make it your MISSION to complete those goals. I promise it'll feel good. Good luck brother, stay strong.
  21. I'd like to do something like this, but I'm not sure I can. My brother is away at college and video games are the only hobby him and I share. It's really one of our only ways to bond. In fact, as I write this, we are getting ready to play. I do not play frequently enough or for long enough periods of time with him to become addicted again, but it feels wrong to be still connected to my vice (even when the connection is weak). I've tried explaining that I do not like video games any more and that they make me angry, but it doesn't change the fact that they're the primary means we have of bonding. If not for my brother and my irl friends, with whom I play very very rarely, but who would be confused if I deleted my accounts, I would DELETE all my accounts and forever rid myself of this final connection. I'm not sure what to do. The following things are mostly reminders to myself, but if any of you stumble on this and think my advice is helpful, feel free to take it. I've gotten accepted for my first job. It's a summer job. If not for quitting video games, I would not have it. If not for quitting video games I would have been spending the last few weeks obsessively playing games that do not make me happy. I would be miserable and addicted and unable to progress in life. Keep this in mind. If not for quitting video games, I would not have hung out with friends multiple times over the course of the last few weeks. I would likely not be invited to social events because I lack social ability and confidence and if I was, by some miracle, invited, I would likely decline for some ingenuine reason, citing other plans or a lack of a ride. Hanging out with friends is enriching and fun. I want to do it more. I cannot do it more if I spend all my time playing video games and being unproductive. I want to become a freelance writer. I have for years, despite only consciously recognizing this relatively recently. This will not come without work. I cannot sit at my computer and fantasize about what is to be in a few years once I've put in the work. I HAVE TO PUT IN THE WORK. I WILL NOT WAKE UP ONE DAY AS A SUCCESSFUL WRITER. NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. I must become organized. Starting tomorrow I will write. I will enter a writing competition, perhaps. I will begin a short story. I will decide an area of interest for me to advertise my skills in. I will practice. I will read one of the two books I've downloaded to my kindle on writing. I will be productive. There is no other possible way that I become what I want to become. I refuse to turn into that kind of person which I've always despised. I refuse to be a wishful thinker, always hoping that one day all my dreams will come true without me ever having to put in work. I refuse to take a 9-5 job that I hate because it's the societal standard. I refuse to believe all that is said on the impossibility of becoming successful as a freelancer. If I put work toward producing an attractive writing portfolio, if I actively try to improve my writing, and if I am aggressive in seeking out customers, I can be successful. I've purchased a guitar. I recognize that I have a problem with hobbies; I become very invested in them for the first few weeks then get absolutely burnt out and never want to do them again. I am now conscious and mindful enough of my own behavior to realize this and to want to avoid it. I will not force myself to play the guitar as I have forced myself into other activities. I will not spend all my free time watching youtube videos about guitar playing. I will not put all my eggs into one basket by only playing guitar and neglecting my other hobbies. I will still be productive. I will stop playing guitar if I become disinterested or frustrated, returning only when I want to. I will not chastise myself for not progressing in guitar as fast I wish or for having fun playing guitar when there is productive work to be done. This brings me to my final point. I also have a problem having fun. Perhaps it's a self-esteem issue, and I don't believe myself deserving of fun when there is work to be done. I compare myself to successful people and I tell myself that they don't "squander" their free time as I do. What I have trouble realizing is that so many successful people, especially with modern-day media and social platforms, are able to curate the way others see them. Of course they boast online about their accomplishments and their success. Of course they want themselves to be seen in the eye of the public as unfaltering in dedication to their craft. This is not the reality of their situations. They have free time. Although they are likely more productive than the average person, they are not without hobbies or moments of absolute recreation. They "waste" nights watching TV or relaxing. They are not constantly working, and I don't have to be either. I could likely expand on the last paragraph, but I think what I've written is a sufficient reminder for myself as of now. If any of you are reading this, I hope you have a wonderful and game-free week. Wish I had friends who wanted to improve themselves as you guys do.
  22. It's been a while. Since last I posted, my brother, who is now at college, came back home for a few weeks and during his time here, he persuaded me to play games with him. Although I knew I am susceptible to addiction I agreed to play because I thought I had grown from my experience and wouldn't fall into the trap anymore. I was wrong. Soon after he went back, I began playing on my own. Although I've been strong and mindful enough not to play for 12 hours at a time, I can feel myself slipping back into the rabbit hole. For this reason, I have uninstalled my games (for what feels like the 90th time) and I am restarting my journal on here. I am also going to be trying nofap, because I am tired of allowing my urges to control me, when I should be controlling them. Right now I'm struggling with boredom. I am on summer break and although I have applied for a few jobs, I've not yet heard back from any of them. My days have nearly no schedule at all and I am very unproductive. I need hobbies badly. The problem is that when I look at Cam's list, although I am sure I may enjoy many of them, I cannot make myself interested enough to try them out. I want to learn to play the guitar, but I'm not sure that the hobby would last (I have a tendency to get REALLY into hobbies and then burn out and quit them within a few weeks) and guitars are expensive so this isn't the sort of thing I'm willing to take a chance on. I've realized that the days I feel most fulfilled are my most productive days. For this reason, I am (from this day forward) going to start the day by writing myself a todo list. I will apply for more jobs, work on my senior project, perhaps practice some art (which I like but haven't been doing), study for my ACT, and anything else I can think of. Right now I feel a sort of constant mental fog preventing me from being happy, and I am sick of it. I want to be happy. I want to feel that I deserve happiness. I know I will not feel fulfilled, however, if I continue with my bad habits (playing video games, being unproductive, procrastinating, fapping). Anyway, I wish the best of luck to all of you and hope that you're having an awesome Thursday!
  23. Hey, John. I've just gotten through reading all of your entries, and I really hope you find the strength to continue in your self-improvement journey. I also want to tell you that your art is really, genuinely wonderful. I'm not saying this to make you feel better or to pad your confidence. You possess a degree of skill in art that I know many people would kill to have. How long have you been drawing? What do you use to create your work? Best of luck!
  24. Day 14 (I think): It's been a while since last I posted. Truthfully, I've just been busy doing more easily enjoyable things with my limited freetime (meaning I get home from school and I play soccer outside for a bit, fiddle with my rubik's cube, or read). I have not gamed at all, but I have watched a couple of game-play videos and am pleased to say that within half an hour I was thoroughly bored and ended my watching session before the video was over. From an outsider's perspective, it seems crazy that people could enjoy playing video games as much as they do when the games are so repetitive and frustrating. It is all too easy to fall into that trap. I've decided to pick up nofap for ATLEAST 90 days, which is a daunting challenge for me. I am also trying to drastically reduce my phone use. When reading @mattso's journal, I came across a method to increase productivity called the Pomodoro method and am currently trying it out to see if I can increase the amount of homework and general productive activities I get done. I feel more comfortable in social contexts lately, although I have not made many real concrete steps to improving my social skills. I have begun reading Six Pillars of Self-Esteem as @fawn_xoxo has been recommending and after a few days of reading I have come to the first exercise (which I have begun, although I don't think I notice an effect yet). I am grateful for the recommendation and although I haven't had the chance to do all the activities the author recommends, it has been an enlightening experience to learn about self-esteem and all the things in life it affects. I still believe that I should pick up some more hobbies, but given that I cannot drive anywhere and can't get a job (because I have school 5 days a week and when I get home I have about 2-3 hours before I have to sleep and on weekends I am usually busy and that is my only real time to do things I enjoy), my choices are limited. If anyone has any easy and cheap (or free!) recommendations, please let me know. I think after writing this I'll check out Cam's list again. Anyway, I have been praying for you guys nightly and hope that you are successful in all your endeavors! Here's to a wonderful week ahead! ?
  25. Day 6: Today was an interesting day. I read a bit, got my rubix cube PR for 3x3 down to 2:15 and have ordered a couple of "speed-cubes" so I can solve faster. I also went to an eye appointment and picked out some new glasses, so I'm very excited about that. After the appointment, I went to a mall because my sister was shopping for prom dresses. While she tried them out, I waited in the very crowded store area. I saw multiple girls that were really cute and just my type (blonde with a cute face, basically), but I didn't have the confidence to say anything. I think my lack of confidence stems not from any personal issues (I think I'm at least an average looking guy and recognize that personality is ultimately more important to looks for getting girls), but from my inability to properly socialize with others. I have also (likely from my years of not interacting with them) put girls on a bit of a pedestal and feel that I'm not 'worthy' of an attractive girlfriend (or any girlfriend, really). Not only that, but I felt insecure just standing there without a purpose for such a long period of time. It's frustrating to come out of video game addiction only to realize just how stunted your social skills and confidence are. If anyone has any books you would recommend on building confidence, please don't hesitate to comment below. Anyway, I hope everyone's having an awesome weekend and fulfilling all the plans they had! ?