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Hitaru

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About Hitaru

  • Rank
    Old Timer
  • Birthday 09/09/1994

Hitaru's Activity

  1. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Tuesday the shit, but at least I ate decently and did some exercise. My usual workout routine is getting easier and that's a good sign, but I tried some general physical condition exercises recommended by the Ministry of Defense (nothing out of this world, I assure you) and what the hell. I literally almost cried in frustration of how nauseous I felt. I could finish the routine at least. Today I'll do my usual stuff, tinkering with the different weights and asking suggestions for new exercises and so on, and tomorrow I'll try the other routine again (different things, the ministry was kind enough to provide a full per-day training plan). I think I'll fall into that rythm and see how it goes. Thankfully, I'm not one of those arrogant gym guys that prefer to die or get hurt before reducing weight or do something lighter than what they're used to. I'm much more a "technical" one, doing the exercises painfully slow, checking if I'm working what I'm supposed to be working and not something else, that sort of thing. I still dislike exercise, probably a mix of prejudice and seeing how bad I still am at it, but I'll try to be optimist about it.
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  2. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    A good day yesterday. Healthy meals, class, workout, good routines... and drama, in the other journal. But great overall. I can do this with superior tactics. Just need to get used to it. Faking it until I make it. 
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  3. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Operation "Stop looking like a bum" was a success. It's way too soon to talk, but the razor is working perfectly so far. Having more freedom to customize my looks (in a much shorter time) will boost my confidence. Yesterday I hosted a dinner with friends and boyfriend taking advantage of my house being empty for the day. It was a huge success (no homecooking tho, but we'll reach that point sometime). Bad news is, I'm still slacking. The deadline to look for a therapist is coming dangerously soon and I haven't done significant efforts to find one. There's been personal reflection and progress, yes, but things could be going much faster with the help of a professional. I don't truly believe that. But I agreed on it with Demir. I guess I could tell him "I'm not ready for it yet", and it would be a legit answer but... feels like my prejudices and insecurities are stalling things. 
    There was big progress in a specific area, however. Regarding lewdings. Details in the other journal, because they are lewdings. 
    Plans are being made for this week. Updates soon.
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  4. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    @Onlysoul, @Mettermrck, thank you for the encouragement. You know, I've been always complaining about this or that of my life but... I'm now realizing just how little encouragement I receive in my daily life. And it's not even about me personally, but everyone, it's honestly hard to find friends or family that keep a constant stream of positive feedback.
    And the example that comes to my mind is this: My rival went to his first cinema premiere invited by a friend before he wasn't all that interested in that world, much less considering leaving everything behind for it. He came across the director, a fairly enough known personality in Spain to bring some shaking to the hands and a silly smile while talking to him, and telling the story later. So here's my friend with this guy (whose name I'm not dropping because I don't remember if it was who I think I remember it was or someone else) and they are having the typical conversation: "Oh, I really liked your movie, fantastic work sir, it would be awesome to appear in something like this someday" etc, etc. And said guy stares at him with that kind of nonchalant look you get after you've heard the same thing thousands of times. "Try it". "Oh no I would never, besides, it's not meant to me". "Have you ever tried? Then how can you know?", and the rest is history. 
    Here's the deal. I asked my friend: Do you think you would have really tried if this guy didn't tell you?
    And without stopping to think (in a kind of Elon Musk stare like video above) he immediately answered: "No".
    And that's just insane. I mean, imagine this director was arrogant and conceited and told him "Give up" or "Yeah yeah, sure". But not just that. It's not even about being rude. Imagine he was simply less talkative, less assertive with a complete stranger, imagine if he had shrugged or listened in polite comprehension without saying anything, like for example I would have very probably done in his position. Imagine if someone had called him in that moment, and he had to go without being able to answer. The life of my friend would have kept going in its path of indifference.
    And it was a successful life by the standard of this community: at 21 years old he had a supportive family and friends, a career, a job he could have kept forever because he had passed the public service exam, a healthy lifestyle and a fiancée. Two years later, none of that remains. He renounced to his position and can't go back, his career is practically useless in his new field, he broke up with his fiancée, his old friends mocked him and turned their backs, his parents are disappointed and believe he screwed everything forever. And yet he wouldn't go back for the world.
    The catalyst of that dramatic change was someone saying "Man, just try it, why not". Encouragement. I don't know, it may sound stupid to you, or woo-hoo motivational bullshit, but I find it impressive. Anyone has the potential to bring change to anyone else's life. So please keep doing that, as much as you can, with as many people you can. 
    ------------------------------
    I've been failing my commitments (according to my high standards), and yet I don't feel as much anxious. Am I in the path of resigning to defeat, or is it a positive transitional process? Good things have come to my life since I took this current path, and yet I feel I don't want to use the momentum to take a turn in another direction, but to keep going with this and see where it goes. I can make it. As a fact. It's doable. That makes me much more nervous than when it was impossible and therefore the perfect excuse to divert my worries while I was stealthily improving my life.
    Of course the prospect of @Cam Adair coming to Spain is there, skulking above my head. I was so shocked I couldn't even answer you. How would it look like if you came to Spain, and found me after a year of detox, and a recently passed exam? Oh boy. Should I visualize that? Is that the right answer? I must sound really silly now, but it makes sense in my mind.
    I'm reading The Slight Edge. I didn't remember I actually went and bought it in Kindle version. I also bought an electric razor, that will help me a lot to reduce the "bad looks" excuse to go out and do stuff. It will arrive tomorrow. Please dear God, let it work fine.
    So back to the Slight Edge. Simple actions done every day. But what if the simplest daily actions are actually the hardest to me? Thinks like waking up, or eating healthy or not falling into fight-or-flight despair. I have to keep reading, but I'll get there. I'll update when such thing happens. Self-reminder to also keep reading Victor Frankl's book.
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  5. Hitaru added a post in a topic Bob's Journey   

    This quote is obviously wrong edited, I would find extremely amusing to see as many members of this community as possible in such attire.
    I agree with @Onlysoul, you got this! Sometimes cutting ties with your previous life can be an instrument of change. Cherish the memories for the good moments they gave you, learn from the bad moments, and keep the experience as another brick of the big (metaphorically, not bodily! ) building that is you. 
    Also, don't worry, common foreign knowledge about the US dictates that every american has an ex-wife named Meg.
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  6. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Yesterday was a social call. The three of my family went to Seville to drop my grandma with my uncle and great uncles for their traditional family visit. She will spend some days with them in the scorching inferno that is north-eastern Andalusia, and of course she was chafing and completely out of her mind, speaking nonsense without pause and behaving erratically. There is some family property management that needs to be done this year and requires her signature, and that was the drop that spilled the glass. My grandma used to rule with an iron fist, and watch that control sliping away in her already weak state must be crushing. As the inheritor of such genetically-induced pride, I can tell. Living the same thing myself would probably be my worst nightmare, after experiencing death. Both at the same time must be the stuff Hell is made of. At least she seems to forget such influence downfall every 15 seconds, so there's some respite for her. And for us. Until she remembers, 5 seconds later. Then she comes to the realization like it was new again and again. 
    Sorry to be such a downer. I'll try my best to do cool noteworthy stuff to overwrite the sad parts.
    After that my mother and I returned to our place and my friends invited me to a street theatre play. I was almost paranoid with guilt for not being studying, but since I was coincidentally already in the meeting point, I overcame the impulse of going home (to spend the little evening left procrastinating at the computer and making excuses) and waited for them (to at least have a good time). We met, substituted dinner with a lot of snacks, and had some laughs at the expense of the quality of the play. I'm glad of my decision and having become socially adept.
    Last night I had one of my trademark colics (very probably because of the snacks, which makes me feel old and frail) and I took the morning off. During the spasmodic ordeal I thought to myself: Am I really physically suited for a stressful job like military or politics? What would happen if my intestines made completely impossible to me to fulfill some of my dreams? What would become of me? I honestly don't want to consider that possibility unless it hits me in the face. And, as always, I have the impression of having already asked this before. So, back to more present topics.
    Honestly, I'm not sure of what will I do today. Lazy summer days going by slowly. But I'll think of something, I have confidence in myself.
    I'm grateful for:
    1. This community.
    2. Friendships.
    3. Being young, healthy and with a lot of possibilities.
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  7. Hitaru added a post in a topic Bob's Journey   

    Bob, I don't know what to say man, besides good luck. You're being so brave, it's incredible. Whatever happens today, don't feel regret. You made mistakes, like everyone else, but you tried and are still trying your very best and that's what counts. Perhaps your wife fears you'll fall back into bad habits if you get together again. Perhaps she's simply sure that she wants to move on to another stage of her life, not better, not worse, but without you as her husband. As you say, it's her call, she has the right to make choices you may even consider mistakes at some point. It feels frustrating and beyond your control of course. But I know you love her and the first proof of that is your willingness to respect her decision, and that only speaks good of you. Whatever happens, never forget. You're a good man with good intentions and a righteous path in front of you, and you have the strength to tread that path. You're doing awesome, and that makes you awesome. You have at least half of the community grinding their chairs in anticipation. Will @Mettermrck succeed in his goals? Will he finish his detoxes? Will he begin to live a life he and therefore us are proud of? I can't wait to answer those questions with a big YES, HE DID!
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  8. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Yesterday was actually great! Took my class, ate, and then went to the gym. I did a nice workout but today I'm sore and tired. It may pass in the afternoon but I'm worried about overworking. @Mettermrck, you go to the gym every (work)day, right? How do you do it? I'm considering going in alternate days (then incluiding weekends since it's a 24 hours gym) but I'm not sure 100% yet, I'd like to do at least something light in resting days, to avoid that feeling of dullness in the muscles. Or maybe I could focus in specific groups? I think that's still beyond my level tho. 
    Then I met with some friends, spent some time, good stuff. I felt some social anxiety and responsibility calling (that overzealousness that gets the better of me those rare times I feel I'm doing things right) but it's under control today. Then I had a light dinner and went to sleep in my gloriously tidy room (one of my life's greatest achievements, seriously).
    As for this morning I had some light breakfast with "real", ultra-overpowered natural milk (I guess) I bought in one of these small stores of "eco-products" staffed by weirdos, with royal jelly and a spoon of some kind of yellow powder packed with vitamins and revolting taste. I had to water it down with sugar, so I won't reach the promised Nirvana of health or whatever, but the alternative was throwing up. The guy assured me it would be the greatest thing, and my mother also likes it enough to chew it raw. Must be a middle age thing then, like the wisdom teeth. I could substitute the sugar with honey now that I think of it, I'll do next time I dare to try that poison again. At mid-morning I'll eat something else. I'm realizing I'm not one to have big plates of food on socially stablished times, but rather eat a little now and then in a more or less constant fashion. They say you can gain a lot of weight because you don't measure realistically what you eat. Suits me perfectly. 
    Let's wrap up the rest of the day!
    I'm grateful for:
    1. Yesterday.
    2. Having friends and a supportive, kind boyfriend.
    3. Having guts after all, even if just a little.
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  9. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    (I've made that question a lot of times already but each time is better, trust me.)
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  10. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Thank you! I still have to put the correct colors and fix some things, but yep it's the huge-est? thing I've ever made. It's "whoa"-inducing to me. And the best part, so far it's working. My current NoFap streak is no long at all (just two days) but it has helped me to fully grasp the process, trust myself more and put me out of the downward spiral. There is a way out of this. 
    I've checked and I think there's not a cheaper version printed in Spain, the full book is a brick and a bit expensive for what it delivers, but I'll keep looking! Also hi man, we don't speak so often lately, I miss you 
    ----------------------------------------
    No Games: 346 days. No Youtube: 23 days. No TV: 5 days. NoFap: 2 days.
    Habits implemented: Waking up: 55% Going to bed: 39% Morning routine and study: Still not implemented
    Remember I had a rival? Because I did. Or at least I remembered fully when I hanged out with him yesterday, after a whole year of not seeing each other. His previous enthusiasm was now transformed into conviction and vision. He's been basically implementing in his life a very similar method of what I my mother paid a 4 figure sum to make me learn, but instead he's a natural, almost superhuman for the casual observer. Acting, directing, producing and writing, his own stuff and others, completely in touch with his Element and absolutely happy about it.
    It was wonderful, and more wonderful was the fact that I didn't feel the envy I expected. Sure, you always get that nagging in the stomach when someone is doing so ostensibly well, but our chat did much more good than bad. It gave me a lot of energy and motivation. I instantly thought: "THIS is the kind of driven people I want to be around, they exist". It's hard to assume this, but not just my home, my whole hometown, the people around me, is consumed by apathy. I had the bad luck of being born into a black pit of resignation, no matter how pretty and gilded the cage might look. The rest left for a better, more fulfilling life. It is now my turn. My time here is hurting me. 
    Suddenly I don't feel all that anxiety and pressure I used to have, but it might be a terribly wrong impression. I still should seek help, even if I can harness this renewed power and motivation. There's no rainbows and sunshine, he earned every little thing with hours and hours of work, there's no brag on it. I'm not even talking about his quality as actor, just the plain facts. The plain facts is he's exactly where he wants to be, and he's gotta pull the weights every single day to be there. I guess there's no other option. If someone is going to do things half-assedly, better not do them at all. It might work for some, but it doesn't work for me. If it did, I wouldn't be so dissatisfied.
    The question now is: Which would be worse, the pain of going all in or the pain of living my excuses?
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  11. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    The mother of all mental maps.

    With this, I ended my cycle of problem identification. Now to the printer with these three, and into the wall of my room they go. I hope this preventive work will help me skip a lot of unnecesary things when I find a proper therapist. It feels a weight from my head was lifted. Now I don't have to think in all of this stuff, I have it on paper. Damn, I feel like I can learn a new language with all the free memory.
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  12. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    @Mettermrck Thanks man, I needed to hear that. 
    Yesterday I had a check-in call with Demir (the guy from Lifehack Bootcamp) about my participation in the project. I was expecting a weird mix of compliment at my insistence to not give up together with a subtle kicking out the door and his project. Some compliment happened and I'm thankful and grateful (because I think it was truthful and honest, and I appreciate that), but the conversation revolved more around me being suggested to try cognitive behavioral therapy. At first the question took me aback. It almost looked like the same "Uhhhm, have you tried, like, a psychologist?" that half-strangers usually throw in my direction during social, alcohol-influenced 'deep' debates. But this time was something different. Everything came after he told me we had to have a talk about the problems I was experiencing in the bootcamp. We had to talk about those problems, it was no bs. I knew it was going to be a huge, complicated and complex conversation, even in Spanish I'd have a real struggle finding the right words.
    So in a moment of inspiration, I made this:

    And this: 

     
    I must say, I'm really content with how it looks. I could get hooked to make these maps! A dollar a map, come on folks. The more I look at them, the more I see subtle things I need to (add, mostly), but the bulk of the elefant in the room is there. Of course Demir saw... this, and with the knowledge he already had about me, said: "Well José, this is perhaps too much. Too much for you, too much for us. You're dealing with a lot. You should consider other kinds of help, put this aside, combine the two things, whatever you see best" (he said this among many other things, it's just the gist). I'm not so sure, but he insist I have a good attitude and a real want for change as well.
    I thought to myself: I could think "Nah, you're not right, I didn't try enough, it's my fault", feel like crap and use it as an excuse, OR, I could trust this guy, who has seen a ton of different people, trust his gut feeling about me, and go on with it, seek help. More help, better help, different help, more specific help, whichever works.
    So we compromised I would speak with a therapist in the next two weeks, and report back. I shall do it then. Of course my mother is not having any of it, every coin spent on me looks to her like a thousand stabs in the back, but I'll handle somehow. It's already nasty as fuck just to have to go to the damn guy (or woman). I'll probably wield the authority fallacy she likes to fall in all the time: "Uh, Mom, it's not me who says (I know fucking nothing after all, right), it's the american guy whom you are paying big euro, he's an expert in his field, believe me!" and so on. Then she'll spend a three figure sum in some furniture that looks like taken back from a dumpster, because old looking things are now 'in' or something. Such is life and we all have our comforters I guess Oh wait I almost forgot I spent the last damn year and a half trying to get rid of mine (That level of sarcasm reminded me of @Marquess of course. I wonder how's he doing...)
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  13. Hitaru added a post in a topic My Journal - SpiNips   

    BE FREE OUR CHILD ;W;
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  14. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Actually... not. Don't take my example, I'm a deeply flawed one. I'm one of the most veteran folks still around since 2015 and there's not a star on my journal for good reason...!
    Now that you say that, what does a normal day in Hitaru's life look like...? I've never wrote it down.
    - I wake up. My waking up time varies wildly between 8:00 and 12:00 most days. 
    - Sometimes I have breakfast, but having only a glass of milk with cocoa powder is a foolproof way of having an upset stomach for the rest of the morning, so I usually get anxious over it and skip it.
    - I attend class half-heartedly. My classes are from 9:00 to 11:00 on Mon/Wed and 12:00 to 14:00 on Tue/Thu.
    - If it's Mon/Wed and 11:00, I usually waste that time. I talk in WhatsApp or Discord, and many times I PMO. Then I get upset at myself and hunt for P websites to block. In my mind I call those moments "porngroms". Then I get triggered and relapse PMO one or several times. My current list of blocked sites contains 216 links, but since all the big ones are blocked, many mirrors are also down and finding openings is a serious task. So I usually devote time to that since I'm feeling cravings and not in my right mind, then relapse, then execute a porngrom, then repeat, and so on. If it's Tue/Thu, I have to take a bus to go to class and I usually don't. Then I repeat process. 
    - It's 15:00/16:00 and my mother hasn't arrived home, so it falls upon me to prepare lunch. My relationship with food is awful. In Spain, the common key symptom to recognize anorexia is a delusional or unrealistic perception of one's figure (you see yourself fat in the mirror, when you're actually starving yourself). I know I'm too skinny, though I must confess I get surprised and scared when I see myself in pictures, and my goal is absolutely not to lose weight, so I can't say I have the illness. But I get really anxious about food. About the thought of having to do groceries, cook, eat, digest, excrete. Unbearably, irrationally anxious. So I usually skip it as well and wait for my mother to come. At this point my grandma improvises lunch for herself (she mostly eat fruits alone) or just skips it as well. We both share this condition and while she overcame it through sheer discipline (she was the oldest of 5 girls and was forced to learn to take care of herself and a home), it also normalized this behaviour in our family. Which is most probably the reason I'm not seeking therapy for this.
    - Since I haven't eaten in all day, I'm fatigued and upset. I journal, I do some menial efforts, I watch TV, I sleep...
    - Between 18:00 and 20:00, my mother arrives (she should arrive at 15:00), sees her 5' 9"/120 lbs. son and her 5' 2"/90-ish lbs. mother starving themselves and sighs.
    Between 18:00 and 22:00 I talk to my mother or watch TV with her, do more menial progress or sleep. I may or may not eat what was intended for lunch. Sometimes there's nothing for lunch since I don't buy and my mother is busy. Then I don't eat until dinner.
    - Dinner arrives. I might be sleeping and then my family eats without me even though I'm in the same room. I might still think there's nothing to eat or my mother may refuse to cook or at least help me or keep me company while I cook. Then I don't eat. 
    - 0:00 arrives, and my family goes to sleep. I'm left alone in the living room. My room's bed doesn't have bedsheets placed and it's very hot, so I stay in the living room when I know I should make the bed myself and sleep there, no matter if I have to sleep in undies.
    - I watch TV and/or PMO until 2:00 to 4:00, and fall asleep in the couch. Then I wake up tired and not rested at all. 
    Is this... my life? Jesus Christ what a mess. I know what I have to do, I've been writing about it for two years, but there's just so much fucking anxiety and terror. I've been trying to keep my bad habits in check (I don't mindless browse anymore, I'm cutting porn, I've started to cut TV now...), but the progress is really slow. I try to motivate and reward myself but it's really hard. Read or watchseries/movies? Makes me anxious. Check FB? It's using a bad habit as reward. Eat? I hate eating and buying food (I like several brands of industrial candies, like red licorice, but they are unhealthy and I usually end up binging, losing my appetite and messing up my bowels). Meet friends, write, learn something else or work out? Anxiety, and I treat them as chores, part of what my life should look like. 
    I guess I'm the living example of "It's not just about quitting games". My attitude has changed, but my life's still crap. I've been in worse places, but my tolerance to crap is quite high due my life history. No one should live like I currently do. Not even me.
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  15. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Despite my previous optimism, my mood dropped severely during the last weeks. I've been trying to implement many different habits with varied results, so despite my pessimism there's no doubt I've been trying to do some good in my life. Let's summarize:
     
    List of habits (since I began tracking or I remember): 
     
    No Steam: 336 days, done 30/30 times the last 30 days, 100% implemented
    This one's been already implemented (one year soon, sooooooon...) but it's really positive to be aware of the job done well.
    No Youtube: 13 days, done 13/13 times since I began counting (June 17), 50% implemented (estimations according to habit tracker app)
    The whole habit is no more than 60 minutes of mindless browsing/distractions per day, that means I can use Youtube an hour per day max., but I wouldn't be able to do anything else of the list of distracting things and that would be really inconvenient, so in practice I've been browsing Youtube like 10 minutes a day at most, the majority of days not even 1.
    No Porn: 2 days, done 2/30 days the last 30 days, 8% implemented
    This one is tricky because I'm counting as browsing porn every physical mean I have at my disposal to arouse myself or trigger me into masturbating. Videos, pictures (even Facebook pics), writings, anything. You're going to see some incongruent data right now.
    No Fap: 38 days (started counting on March 20), done 6/30 days the last 30 days, 27% implemented
    Yes, how can I fap much less than I browse porn? Because even with "standard" porn blocked I still have the habit of looking for other ways, for example reading erotica even if the main purpose is to fight boredom rather than attend physical needs. It's a way of procrastination.
    Waking up early: 7 days (since I last fixed my sleep), done 7/10 times the last 10 days, 28% implemented.
    Going to bed in time: 5 days (since I last fixed my sleep), done 5/10 the last 10 days, 19% implemented.
    Going to the gym: Still not implemented.
    Meditate: Still not implemented. 
    Study for my exams (including going to class): 9 days, done 8/30 times in the last 30 days, 20% implemented.
    Study for my driving license: Done 3/10 times in the last 10 days, 12% implemented.
    Translate: Done 2/10 times in the last 10 days, 7% implemented.
    Lifehack Bootcamp: Done 2/10 times in the last 10 days, 9% implemented (the estimate varies depending on if I did the stuff more recently).
    ---------------
    There's also journaling and studying Romanian, but I'm tracking journaling as a reference only (to keep a steady rythm but not necesarily daily) and Romanian is not a steady thing at all (it may stuck, it may not). 
    Bittersweet results. The mindless browsing habit is huge, I'm really happy about that, but the NoFap and the good habits are still not working. I have time, my big deadline of personal development is 2019 and my uni entrance exam, but I'm getting emotionally attached to my Navy entrance project. A good signal, it means I care, but putting a lot of pressure as well. I'm even considering applying (again) for non-priority exams just to raise my fixed "academic merits" points. It may seem distracting of the main objective, but 4 or 5 points earned means less window of error for the exam part, and that weights gold. Don't throw at my neck yet, is just an idea.
    Today I finally made a step towards getting back on track in Lifehack Bootcamp (I dropped it due to my recent funk) and it was better than expected. Learned about habit making and the reward system. That seems like a key idea. How can I reward myself if I've been planning my days a succession of chores, everything is dulled due my brain chemical imbalance and even pleasant things like meeting with friends make me stressed out...? It's gonna be hard answering that one. 
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