Someone hasn't been checking the testimonials! I wrote Chief Cam in response of his last mail about goals, and it mainly looked like this: "I really want to travel and earn money (to keep traveling) at the same time, and then travel, study and earn money at the same time. Yeah, but, I don't know how to earn money." He recommended me something called Location Rebel. Click click. Again the woo-woo spiel about life-changing miracles. Well, the same happened with Lifehack Bootcamp and in the end it was a really pleasant experience despite myself and my self-sabotage. Probably it's just because americans coming from the business environment like Demir or this guy have this cold, too rehearsed sales pitch style. Not their fault, it comes with the job. In Spain we have a saying about that but I don't know how to put in English. You know what I mean. Like nonchalant sarcasm to doctors. I don't know a thing about these people or their program yet, but I can say it's 3:30 AM here and my hands are shaking from anticipation, which is something my current goal hasn't achieved it in months. Yes novelty and escape. We'll see in some hours. It won't be too distractful if it doesn't work. It's not like I've been doing anything at all lately.
Thanks @Vlad, I'll check it out when I have the strength to do it, in all honesty. That day will be tomorrow for sure, today I was feeling a bit better. Not better enough tho. Forward to the Past. It feels like 2015 all over again. I won't get out of this cycle, this is a nightmare. Hit bottom - Desperate comeback - Nihilistic survival - Misdirected success - Self-sabotage - Breakdown - Hit bottom. Happened in 2016, happened in 2015, happened every year. It's not getting better. It's just getting a slightly different flavor every time. I will keep failing since I seem to not have understood. I don't get it. Why does failure show so evidently in me? If other doesn't do right they end in a boring life with a boring spouse in a boring rented apartment. Nothing about not eating, colics, panic attacks and utter disgrace. Why me in particular? Why do I even care about that? I was afraid and ashamed to say but I guess I have to start assuming it, I am in "Give up" stage right now. Right now, the current situation is that I've gave up. When I give up, nothing happens. I get fed, taken care of. My mother is nicer to me. I seem to return to a previous state. A previous age. Like going to the past. Like cheating time. But that's not a real thing. I seem to keep going back because I can't handle the present. I've been unable to handle the present since I was aware of it. At some point in the past, I must had obviously given up on myself and set me up for failure. I guess I'll have to do that travel, no matter how ridiculously late it feels. Exert some radical self-acceptance. Cut the chains. Eliminate all assumptions and expectations of image and stillness. I now realize, there was a point in my life where I was told that being me was crazy, and I didn't want that. But I can't be nothing else than me, and that's scary. (Do I have to pull a Hobe? Is that the answer?)
Reading your journal I have the impression that you used to play similar videogames than I, so I probably should listen to your advices. I have this theory that people who game(d) alike think alike. [I still struggle with understanding that concept of leverage, I'll re-read what you wrote and give it a bit more thought.] I guess you can stop giving unsolicited advice when I stop spilling unsolicited drama, how does that sound Wuh-what? ---------- --------- It passed, but the anger turned into quiet despair. I need a break of all of this. Sorry.
Man, in my experience, any motivation is good motivation, at least for a while. If you ask yourself that question it probably means you genuinely care about not being a psycho or an asshole, so you should be fine. Fear, anger, pride, revenge, are like anaerobic fuel. A surge, an explosion of emergency energy. Survival mode. Motivation, purpose, making an impact, those are long-term, the foundation of lasting happiness. I'm not even saying those are better, you'll have to choose depending on the situation. Sometimes you have to survive, sometimes you have to thrive.
Welcome to the forum! First of all what you're doing is really brave and admirable. It's really easy to feel overwhelmed and give up on people suffering from addictions, to look away and hope it gets better, or even worse, to take personal responsibility and blame. It is not your fault. It's the first thing you need to acknowledge. It will be difficult for you to help your brother, and the chance will drop to 0% if you start from a victim/guilty position. Thaaat being said, my experience with family members is limited. Right now I come as a moderator, just to tell you that if you plan to post regularly, you should open a thread in the main section or a journal; people only drop here to say hi to newcomers. Threads in the main section can be more specific but the journal section is more populated (and popular) so you can choose accordingly. Hope to see you around, and good luck for you and your brother! You two deserve better!
Welcome and congrats on your month! There are many people in this community who have experienced bullying and isolation as you describe. You're not alone and if you ever feel the need to discuss it, you'll find support. It's also true that compulsive videogame players use games to escape and neglect their social skills, health, even hygiene. But (and it's not an excuse) there are also non-players who live in misery. Outside things (fun, girls, jobs) are a reflection of what's inside. When they are true of course. And about your English, if you speak serbian I think you could start a journal in the Non-English language section and expect to be replied. If your variant is bosnian or croat you got me a bit more lost there, but it would certainly be an exotic addition! However I recommend you to keep writing in English and improving, your level is already pretty decent!
Fuck You Fund, I like it. Considering my trajectory, the victory would be actually trying. I'm so tired of escaping and dropping things half-way, man.
Friend is MIA, so there you go. Money still not spent, but suddenly I don't feel the need to rush it. That gives me hope in my future home economy managing skills. I try to twist around time and again, but I can't see a way to escape my current trajectory. Come on me, it's not so big deal man, just stick with your decision. I'll be bullshiting me until the very day of the exam I'm afraid, but isn't that resilience at work? I'm sorry for all the inconvenience caused by the collateral effect of me being a f*cking pussy. Now seriously, I see my permanent bad mood affecting people around me. I cannot allow myself to be a downer. Sometimes it's ok. Not as a constant. Today a good day emotionally. Husband came back from a trip in Central Europe and we did some catching up between yesterday and today. Apparently Budapest is a must go. Physically, however... Lack of movement. The moment I make exercise a habit, it will pass. One discomfort after the next. Why is it that I don't feel so bad about it as I used to?
Boring (?) Two years, four if I like it. Not running my mouth will surely be a great skill for the current me, believe me. Other than that, the rep of being told "Ah this guy should know something about life, he was military". Probably not so much, but better than "Was a leech in his mommy's house until 25 when he went to learn how to live from everyone else's honest work". Push around civilians, huh... If there was some sort of short-term commitment then why not, could be an interesting experience and I've always felt curious about their job (also have a lot of family tradition in Police and Civil Guard on father's side... probably some of the worst of the corps...). But anyway, police work is signed for life in national exams.
When you are in Madrid take a look at Toledo, it won't take you long and it's a really nice medieval town (Also the Inquisition Museum is there, if you want to humor the most celebrated spanish meme and have a liking for complicated torture devices. Perhaps something to punish relapsers... ) I live in the south. Good surfing in the south as I tell you. Andalusian overdose in the south. BUT, from Madrid you can also choose Barcelona. Great party in Barcelona. If @Vlad and you decide you'd like that, I could look for a cheap flight and meet you there. Your choice?
Ok. Lisbon/Sagres means south, so you must check south of Spain too. Tarifa is another great place to surf but the winds in the strait are a bit tricky, I have to check your dates beforehand. You could also visit Seville, and even Córdoba and Granada if you fancy. Depends on how much you want to travel but it's worthy. The small villages of the province of Cádiz have a lot of charm, but they are a bit isolated and you ought to rent a car to visit them. I mean, depends on what are you looking for in a travel. Heritage, landscapes, food, party?
- Money - Credentials - Self-reliance If I had another source of income that would let me be independent and improve my maturity and independence, I'd go for it immediately. Such as becoming a traveling translator.
After some expected delays I finally received 268 euro/317 USD in EU travel help funds from the last project in Greece. These were sent to my account so I'll have freedom to decide how to spend them without my mother's meddling. I have several ideas: 1. Buy a violin/viola to take back my hobby and help me cope with the extreme feelings of anxiety and melancholy I'm currently experiencing. 2. Buy cheap tickets to somewhere and travel. 2.1 Same as 2 but open return, forget about the army goal, burn all the bridges and try to survive in a foreign environment until 25, until I'm bored or until situation gets desperate. 3. Buy every book on my wishlist and pay a professional photographer for a nice profile pic to add to my social media (which would help me a lot in Upwork to get translation gigs, for instance). 4. Emergency funds to survive in my friends apartment, ASSUMING my friend holds his end of the deal. 5. Audience's choice; I'm open to other suggestions. It's important to me to shake this current state off, and nothing better for that than backing change up with an economic investment, so this decision must be impactful. I'll have decided it by tomorrow. Speaking of which I'm not exactly sure yet of the reason of this negative state. Watching videos and manuals about charisma, NLP, social skills... is fascinating, motivating and hours fly by. I even started a personal archive with relevant material to review, something unheard of me. And also for the first time I don't feel like a creep, an Asperger's or a wannabe manipulator or childhood bullying karma dealer or any other self-hating crap my mind could think of. On one hand: Double down on what's working. Army is not working so good. But, there's a worrisome novelty factor. What if I'm escaping commitment? On the other hand: Stick to your word. You said you were going for Army. You invested money on it. People that care about you are already informed of your decision. There's a lot of anxiety, nightmares, colics. But if that's the voice of reason, or the voice of fear, how can I know, how can I tell them apart? I'm confused here, please help me out guys. By the way, that doesn't mean I've stopped studying completely until I figure out but my efforts are being hindered enough to keep me up at night. Lastly, I'm battling against my headaches and general discomfort with more food and water and it seems to be working.
...exactly. Even if I'm right, it's not doing me good. Focus on fact and solutions. Thanks for the tip. Unrelated, but I find it interesting: I really liked this video about choosing words in your speech: big vs. small. To be honest I don't know the average native English speaker vocabulary level, but I can guess. Cam does a great job at this. He speaks plainly and clearly. There was a time were Cam quoted me in a mail and he cropped out some parts of my original post. I noticed and revisited the post and exactly as I thought, the edit was smart and improved the quality of my words. The things left out were redundancies and unnecessary remarks, "picking apart the grain from the straw", as the spanish would say. The message left was more appealing and attractive, stronger, more direct. The post and the mail weren't even talking about the same things. Choosing the right words. Or the lack of them. Have you ever noticed the different emotional weight of the different interactions and words? The gestures, the non-verbal, the acting? Democratic politics is acting. I love acting. How could I forget? That I love experimenting with different ways of conveying an idea? It's been so long since I did anything barely related with acting, and I love it! Depression and disparaging yourself does that shit to you. No fucking more of that, friends. I'm going to stand up and carry on with what I truly want, which is no more and no less (worthy) than what everyone else's wants.