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BooksandTrees

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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Like a fat person telling you about weight loss. 

On top of that, I'd take advice from a fat person about losing weight any day of the week 😛 Obviously a skinny person who's lost a lot of weight has a bit more of an informed opinion because of experiences had ^^ But imagine a criminal telling you what's right and wrong. It's not because he doesn't practice what he preaches himself, that it automatically means that everything he says is to be dismissed. I agree that it doesn't make that imaginary criminal the most credible source. But the world just isn't black and white ^^ 

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I'm also struggling with the fact that I'm not enjoying anything I'm really doing in life. There's nothing waking me up inside with joy. I remember building with legos as a kid, playing kickball with friends, lacrosse, action figures, watching cartoons, playing hockey, etc. 

I honestly think porn started ruining my lust for life. I remember always having extreme sexual fantasies as a kid dating back to when I was 5. Once I learned about porn I just felt like the natural joy to have fun went away. As soon as I could I just wanted to watch and watch. I am trying to quit and just know it's going to take me time to figure out a lifestyle again. 

I also use porn to deal with anxiety at home. I'd never view it in public because that's disgraceful and disgusting. But the trend you see is I use porn as stress relief and for my main form of fun. 

I can't help but stress out because it's the same thing I've been complaining about before. Life is hard, work is hard, etc.....

I'm practicing anxiety strategies. My doctor said I should practice deep breathing and meditation for when my thoughts frantically consume my mind and I'm freaking out. This anxiety makes me so exhausted that I just want to sleep all of the time. But if I sleep that means I lose my personal life to sleep. 

I've been averaging 7 to 7.5 hours of sleep every night, but I know the anxiety is causing more than I'm able to recover. I can't help but think of things in life I should be doing and how to do certain things, and what people will think, and that I don't want to always do critical thinking at work, and how I'd love to work 3 days per week, etc.  

It all starts with managing my thoughts. I put in the work now to manage my thoughts and anxiety. Any time I notice them rising I need to isolate and heal. 

Next, I need to realize that the hobbies I'm not working on are currently being worked on passively. I'm meeting with cartoonists each weekend to get stuff done. I'm making more progress this month than I have in 2 years. 

Next, I want to be more committed to the gym. I get so embarrassed if someone looks at me while I'm learning something at the gym. I hated my trainer because she kept making me do difficult things in the open where people can see me. I get so ashamed of myself and anxieties that I just start to yell at myself and hate myself and then hate everyone putting me in situations where I have anxiety. 

I also get so embarrassed at work because I need to get work done and I don't like how sometimes i can't focus due to bad anxiety. I then get embarrassed and scared when everyone gets their work done and look at me and I'm not done yet. 

They might not even care about that. I'm just crippling myself with debilitating thoughts and pinning myself down. 

It's 2pm and I'm just exhausted. I want to go home. Idk. 

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@BooksandTrees hey, you are doing well no matter what. Quitting gaming and porn and trying to manage your anxiety all at the same time is tough, so don't forget to praise yourself for every step you take in the right direction. Small changes add up. 

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23 minutes ago, Vera said:

@BooksandTrees hey, you are doing well no matter what. Quitting gaming and porn and trying to manage your anxiety all at the same time is tough, so don't forget to praise yourself for every step you take in the right direction. Small changes add up. 

Thanks. It's just really stressful and I'm getting upset that I'm not performing as well as I could be at work or with friends, etc. 

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2 hours ago, Vera said:

@BooksandTrees but you're still doing it! You're still trying and it's really cool! 

Thank you. I get down on myself sometimes, but I know that each new direction we go in life leads us to more challenges. So I think it's important for me to conquer certain challenges before moving to the next level. Anxiety makes you run up through all of the levels. 

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Today was a better day.  I had fun being with friends after work and living a bit.  Sometimes I get so anxious at work because I feel like if I'm not working incredibly hard then everyone will stare at me and think I'm a piece of shit or a failure.  The funny thing is nobody cares.  So many people slack off and aren't productive.  It's impossible to be productive all of the time.  I think the difficulty of this week has lead to me being exhausted, drained, and anxious.  I'm trying to be easier on myself.

I also wanted to ask if anyone here has used CBD oil for anxiety and depression?  I don't want to try medication for anxiety although it was recommended.  I have been researching CBD oil and the proponents who support it laud its results.  Most people say their anxiety goes from a 10 to a 4.  It's a hemp based oil from the Marijuana plant, but has no THC in it so you can't get high.  It does not alter your body that way.  It's becoming the number one holistic method of treating anxiety and depression.

If I could have a solid 30 minutes without gut wrenching anxiety I'd be happy.  Anxiety and worry is making me sick.  My heartburn is gone for the most part, but when i get it I don't get burning.  I get severe pain in my throat, chest, and jaw.  It's like a heart attack almost.  My digestion can get out of whack, my depression is caused by it as well.  My doctor said I have pretty severe anxiety where I can't stop worrying.  I worry all day long about people's feelings, their emotions, how my actions might impact them, how other's actions impact others.  I try to control everything and I don't want bad things to happen.  Whenever I panic or worry I just feel my midsection writhe with pain and distortion.

I really have trouble not worrying.  It's going to kill me one day if I can't get a grip on it.  I'm trying deep breathing, but it's difficult to deep breathe every 30 minutes or so.  It's also embarrassing. When I try to calm my mind it just exhausts me.  I want to sleep all of the time when this happens.  

This is another reason why I miss video games.  Instead of worrying I'd just play the game and not think.  The catch 22 there is that I get severe heartburn gaming.  This means that subconsciously I was worrying and panicking about being the best, controlling the game, and making sure I won each game.  This is the effect of competitive gaming and being a professional gamer.  I guess now that I'm not lost in a game I'm more aware of the stress I put on my body.  I think the CBD oil might be a good starting point for me.

 

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today was a better day.  I had fun being with friends after work and living a bit.  Sometimes I get so anxious at work because I feel like if I'm not working incredibly hard then everyone will stare at me and think I'm a piece of shit or a failure.  The funny thing is nobody cares.  So many people slack off and aren't productive.  It's impossible to be productive all of the time.  I think the difficulty of this week has lead to me being exhausted, drained, and anxious.  I'm trying to be easier on myself.

I also wanted to ask if anyone here has used CBD oil for anxiety and depression?  I don't want to try medication for anxiety although it was recommended.  I have been researching CBD oil and the proponents who support it laud its results.  Most people say their anxiety goes from a 10 to a 4.  It's a hemp based oil from the Marijuana plant, but has no THC in it so you can't get high.  It does not alter your body that way.  It's becoming the number one holistic method of treating anxiety and depression.

If I could have a solid 30 minutes without gut wrenching anxiety I'd be happy.  Anxiety and worry is making me sick.  My heartburn is gone for the most part, but when i get it I don't get burning.  I get severe pain in my throat, chest, and jaw.  It's like a heart attack almost.  My digestion can get out of whack, my depression is caused by it as well.  My doctor said I have pretty severe anxiety where I can't stop worrying.  I worry all day long about people's feelings, their emotions, how my actions might impact them, how other's actions impact others.  I try to control everything and I don't want bad things to happen.  Whenever I panic or worry I just feel my midsection writhe with pain and distortion.

I really have trouble not worrying.  It's going to kill me one day if I can't get a grip on it.  I'm trying deep breathing, but it's difficult to deep breathe every 30 minutes or so.  It's also embarrassing. When I try to calm my mind it just exhausts me.  I want to sleep all of the time when this happens.  

This is another reason why I miss video games.  Instead of worrying I'd just play the game and not think.  The catch 22 there is that I get severe heartburn gaming.  This means that subconsciously I was worrying and panicking about being the best, controlling the game, and making sure I won each game.  This is the effect of competitive gaming and being a professional gamer.  I guess now that I'm not lost in a game I'm more aware of the stress I put on my body.  I think the CBD oil might be a good starting point for me.

 

I know what you feel. I get that feeling every day before school. It’s the feeling I used to get as a little kid when I knew I was about to get chewed out. Now I can’t get away from it. I go home and start throwing stuff. I get stressed about the most random stuff that’s not worth it in the long run. My family doesn’t understand what I’m going through so they are no help. I don’t know if you are religious but something I do is pray to god to help me get through this. I also lay on the floor and list each thing I am grateful for in this world. As long as we are living brother we can get through this. Stay strong.

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I am so miserable I just don't get it. I had such a good morning at work and it just made me hate myself so much that I had to leave. 

I watched porn real fast and then slept for 3 hours. I'm not tired now, but I don't want to do anything. Everything feels so taxing on my mind. These fake headaches are crushing me. It's not there, but when I get so sad about living and having to do things my pain gets so unbearable. 

I don't really care about anything in life. I want tons of people to hug me and love me. I get attention at work but it leaves me empty. I know most of it if not all of it leaves as I leave the conversation. None of these people are depressed. 

I want to scream at the people in my life for some reason even though I like them and don't want to hurt their feelings. 

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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2 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I am so miserable I just don't get it. [...] I want tons of people to hug me and love me. I get attention at work but it leaves me empty.

This is exactly how I feel too... Thanks for sharing and finding the words... “It leaves me empty”, it’s a nice metaphor that I can relate to...

I don’t know, I never lose hope, maybe that’s what keeps me sane (more or less). What is your relationship with hope, if I can ask? Do you think problems will disappear one day?

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I don't know what to do anyways.  I'm sorry you also feel this way.  I hope my feelings can change, but I'm just full of all this hatred for others.  It makes me sick when these fucking people around me are happy.  It makes me sick how people just want to talk to me and then move on.  I'm not important.  People just want to talk to me because I listen and then they give me all their problems and shit and move on.

I don't have a best friend.  None of my friends regularly initiate conversation with me.  It's just me.  My family is full of retards or they're also mentally ill and can't give what I need emotionally.  I can't stop worrying about every step I take hurting someone else or worrying if their steps are hurting others as well.

You know what makes me sick? These people at work telling me fucking stories about how they do "rebellious things" to get attention.  It's stupid stories where they're getting filmed. "OMG YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I DID XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD" then they show me them doing shit that bothers people who are doing their jobs.  They slide down the bowling lanes, throw bowling balls, yell in public, want attention, piss off security guards and bouncers, just act like mischievous idiots in public and say "OMG AM I A RIOT?? XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD"

No.  You're stressing me out because I have been the guy who works on those shifts dealing with drunk fucks who are wanting attention.  Someone has to deal with your bull shit.  I just want mature people around me.  And the worst thing about this is that when I say this to them, THEY GET FUCKING ANGRY AND SAY I NEED TO LIVE A LITTLE!!!!

How fucking ignorant is that?  Just because I'm not a fucking asshole means I need to live?  No, you're fucking entitled and have an easy life and get applauded by everyone and everywhere you go.  You've never been disciplined at all in life.  Fuck off.  As someone who's been abused for 20+ years in my past and then had to work those bull shit jobs to fix things entitled people fucked up for us I just understand the pains of life more than you.

Me living a little is something I've never had the opportunity to do.  I don't know how to enjoy life at all outside of video games.  It's struggling to me.  Hiking is so boring when you're alone.  Hanging out with friends is fun, but I don't appreciate it after I'm done.  I just want more fun afterwards and then realize I accomplished nothing when I hung out with friends and feel empty afterwards.  None of my hobbies are giving me any pleasure and just feel like more work than pleasure.  I don't enjoy the process of anything at all.  

I'm so empty.  I'm fucking lost.  I want people to care about me.  I initiate conversations, I invite people to do things, I volunteer to help students with engineering and school, I work my ass off and it's all for nothing.  I don't feel anything good at the end of the day and nobody reciprocates what I'm giving out.  I don't know what I want in life and I'm not enjoying the process of trying to find it.

I worked so hard to be remotely happy last weekend and just having that chick fuck with my head just affirmed to me that I'm as much of a fucking loser as I tell myself I am, that people are fucking garbage and it's not worth talking to them, and that making the effort to like myself and be confident in myself was embarrassing, humiliating, and was for no reason because I feel worse now than before.  So @info-gatherer, to answer your question properly, I guess I have no hope right now.  It could change at some point, but I doubt it.

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I'm viewing my issues with life like someone trying to drink ocean water.  Feel free to read the whole thing to get my full analogy and why I'm struggling to become a better person.  Maybe it relates to you or maybe you'll write that I'm an asshole.  Thank you either way!  This post sums up my life in a nutshell:

Analogy: You are thirsty, you see ocean water because it's plentiful and you crave it so badly.  You drink the water and feel worse over time until you suffer and die.

How it relates to my issues: (I said "you" and got carried away.  Anywhere below where you see "you" I'm referring to "I" or "Me")

  1. Gaming: Gaming provides hours and hours of serotonin, dopamine, and fun spells.  Nothing matches it.  I see the possibilities of fun and happiness so my dopamine pushes me towards it.  I play the games for hours and the serotonin floods my body and makes me happy.  I then do it too much and drown in it.  The more I play, the more I need to play.  When a game goes poorly or I can't game, I erupt and freak out.  Now nothing I do can give me the same pleasure as that and it's leaving me frustrated.  It's like someone forcing you to stop gaming in the middle of a game you're winning against your biggest rival so you can watch them eat shit and sniff people's assholes.  That's how much I'd rather be gaming than anything else.
  2. Porn: Open a web browser.  You crave a rush of a sexual orgasm.  You spend a ton of time looking for the best video.  You open 15 browsers.  You watch the first video, finish, close everything, feel disgusted with yourself, and get angry at yourself for doing it.  But you keep going back until you're desensitized completely and don't know what to expect from a real relationship because real stuff takes time.  You need to spend time courting that person, becoming their friend, sharing your life with them and they with you.  But porn just lets you skip that and go straight to the sex.  It's an STD safe version of a one night stand and much cheaper.
  3. Sugar and Fatty Foods: You feel empty inside.  You are hungry.  You are sad.  You look at junk food or fast food and it's just what you need in such a hurry.  It's an emergency.  You're having a bad day.  You eat this food.  You don't exercise.  You get fat and lethargic.  You start to hate yourself more.  The more you hate yourself the more you need junk food so you keep eating.  You now isolate yourself and don't go out in public.  Then you're embarrassed.  The only thing that helps is eating like shit some more. Healthy food won't satisfy those cravings right away.  It takes longer to cook, doesn't taste as good most of the time, or maybe it does and eating is the only way you're feeling full again. Calories are calories, so you eat some more and gain weight regardless of what you eat.
  4. Social Media: You're lonely. Your friends are having more fun than you.  You want to see your friends and family, go out, travel, do something new, but it takes effort and most people in your life won't make that effort for you or with you - so you probably feel the burden of always doing it yourself or the pressure of making new friends and starting over again.  You log into facebook, instagram, twitter, and youtube.  You see people making great content online.  You see their adventures, their weight loss gains, their gloating about themselves.  Why would you gloat?  You don't want to be a dickhead.  You write a passive aggressive funny status or something.  10-30 people like it.  You feel better and forget that you wanted to do something real and tangible. It keeps getting worse because people are seeing that you're funny, don't understand you, and think they don't need to talk to you because you don't reach out to them.

I feel like I'm so close to recovery when I use the ocean analogy.  I see the water, but drink the wrong water.  If I just drank clean and purified water, I'd be fine and healthy.  If I apply this to my other issues then I'd also be fine.  But there's a catch! What if I don't like myself?

Theoretically, here's how that fixes my issues, but with the dilemmas attached:

  1. Gaming: I want an activity to do with friends or by myself, or both. I see an endless possibility of hobbies like vlogging, blogging, podcasting, the gym, writing, cartoon producing, yoga, hiking, swimming, fencing, sports, cooking, reading, drawing, painting, sewing, pool, bowling, darts, comedy, rock climbing, etc.  Jesus fucking christ, that is too much fucking shit to do and I am a beginner at all of them.  This sucks.  I spend weeks learning how to do these things and guess what? I don't really enjoy any of them most of the time.  I have such a difficult job that takes so much critical thinking all day, every day, that it's fucking debilitating to work on stuff 95% of the time.  I have to spend days motivating and day dreaming myself into a mindset where I can try these things.  I try most of them and they are a complete let down.  It takes too long to be good at them, I don't enjoy them at all flat out, I waste time not enjoying them, I put pressure on myself to make money off of them to give me more money to lead an easier life.  That leads me to what the fuck I want in life anyways?  Video games gave me goals to achieve.  I became a professional gamer on an online game.  That took a long time to do.  But it was crushing me.  I competed for the United States in a few events.  I wanted to do that more than anything and I did it.  But it was killing me.  Nothing in life is giving me that pleasure or drive.  It makes me think of the theme song for Pokemon and how we all watched it and wanted to be the best trainers ever and get the best cards, best pokemon in gameboy games, and just battle all the time.  Where the fuck do I find this?  Where do I get the energy to do this when I feel sapped of energy at the end of work anyways?  My job is highly rewarding, but it's so difficult and I'm just tired of fucking learning every day.  Sometimes I just want some monotonous bull shit to recuperate a bit. Instead, I work hard, get depressed, and do nothing and repeat until the weekend. FUCK.
  2. Porn: I am lonely.  I am horny.  I am depressed. Oh, porn!  No.  I realize I need to meet a woman who values who I am, wants to spend time with me, and me with her.  We can spend time learning about each other, falling in love, becoming close friends, and start to set goals for a life together after a long time.  That's the trajectory we seek in relationships.  You have someone who loves you unconditionally, listens to you, wants your advice, seeks your attention, seeks your love, lets you be yourself, challenges you to be your best, and motivates you to strive for a better life.  My issue! I hate myself.  I think you really need to like yourself to find someone.  You can't sell a cheeseburger to people and say it fucking sucks because they are going to avoid it.  You want people to crave you.  You gotta like yourself, you gotta be flattering to others, funny, smart, have hobbies, and be confident.  Most other people looking for relationships don't want to have to fix someone.  Most people, men and women, are fucking insecure and want one less person to worry about.  If you're a bag of issues, you're not going to find anyone because they don't give a shit to help you in the first place unless they're struggling and it's a mutual effort to get better.   So I spend weeks trying to feel more confident and better.  I trust that once I like myself I can find someone.  I start to find some hobbies I like and stuff to do, healthy eating, etc., and I meet a chick here or there.  But she turns out to be a fucking cunt. When she turns out to be a cunt I start to realize I wasted all of this time trying to be a better person.  Why did I bother trying to be happy?  These people don't give a shit!  It makes me completely give up and I just sit there like whelp, that was a fucking waste! BaCk To PoRn!1!1 
  3. Sugar and fatty foods: I want to eat well and be healthier.  I am hungry and lonely.  I decide to prepare food in the morning for dinner.  I get home and start cooking.  I make a well balanced meal, feel great after without bloating or stomach issues or heartburn.  Nice.  Oh, it doesn't fucking matter and only lasts for like 2 hours!!  Even when I lose this weight I don't seem to give a shit?  Chicks don't seem to give a shit either.  I get compliments, but ok???  It's just another marketing thing to sell yourself for others to like you.  "He's in shape.  He must not be a lazy piece of shit" WRONG! I am a lazy piece of shit.  I love taking the easy way out, giving up, doing nothing, and being an asshole to myself.  I ate healthy for 3 years straight, lost over 50 lbs, and stuff and it honestly doesn't matter to me so far because I haven't learned to like myself.
  4. Social media: I want better friends and to do stuff.  If I got over my ego of just doing everything on my own in the first place then I'd consistently have friends to do things with, I could choose the friends and activities myself so I was in control of it all and feel better.  I'd develop a nice network and just feel better. My friends don't give a shit! Dude, it's garbage! I invite people to do things and I just get the fucking impression that they expect me to ask them to do stuff all of the time so they don't have to do it.  Oh my fucking god. Or I get the impression they say "Oh, he's inviting me to hang out, I must be desirable.  I'm a special person!!!!" 

I'm not really seeing the point in me trying to change because I don't like others and I don't like myself.  People keep letting me down and once they keep letting me down I start to let myself down until I get angry about it.  I'm tired of getting angry about it.  Until I learn to like myself I won't like others.  If I don't like either, I'm just going to be eating junk food, watching porn, and die alone.  Nobody has surprised me yet and every day is just a fucking confirmation that I'm not worth anything to other people because once they hang out with me they laugh, feel better about themselves, and move on until I ask them again. I'm a condom basically.

I've  taken steps to help myself.  I meal prep so I can quickly heat a healthy meal to resist my cravings and enjoy my night.  I have organized monthly or weekly meetups with friends each weekend to work on my cartoon and do some fun activities that aren't full hobbies so that I can keep my social health balanced.  I printed out a plan for the gym to follow.  I downloaded fun and helpful classes to take so I can alleviate the pressure of learning new hobbies from scratch. I've booked plans to travel this year to look forward to life, etc.

I just don't know how to deal with bad days at work.  My coworkers are fine!  They treat me well.  I'm popular in the office, I help people, they help me, it's a wonderful environment filled with people who love their work and get inspired and are inspiring.  I don't know how to deal with that.  I see them happy and I'm not happy.  It is killing me.  I leave work feeling like such a fucking idiot.  I spend all day calling myself an idiot and worrying about tons of things.  I put so much pressure on myself that it's exhausting.  I'm so tired after work from the worrying and stress about life in general that I can't possibly fucking sit there and say "oh, good, now I can work on other stuff".  I'm beat! I just stressed out so much without any release that I instantly crave one of the 4 issues I posted above to give me instant gratification because I spent 8 hours that day not being fulfilled or gratified.  I know there is no job or career that is 100% great all of the time, but I'm just hurting myself mentally.  Sometimes I love the work, but others I just get so down on myself.  Seeing other people happy and not being able to be happy makes me want to cry instantly. I get angry instead because I was told by my dad as a kid not to cry because "faggots cry". So I can't even cope with being sad without it turning to anger anyways.

What a fucking mess.  I know if I work on my hobbies slowly I can build my skills to one day pursue something, while working my current career to fund it with the good salary I get.  I might even learn to love my career if I was more balanced outside of work, had a girlfriend, and a well rounded life.  But I'm not seeing it and that's killing me.

If you read all of this I commend you.  I wouldn't read it.  It's too long.  But this is everything.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Hey again, it’s 4AM so I’m just leaving a very short piece of advice about the porn section. It’s something I mentioned often in this forum because I think it’s important for people to understand. Some people appreciated it, some others didn’t, but it’s what I think anyway: porn and masturbation aren’t synonimes. Our generation - the internet generation - finds it difficult to think about one without the other. The truth is that porn is an unhealthy habit that in the worst cases can even turn into an addiction, while masturbation (not compulsive, evidently) is in my opinion a healthy thing to do. It teaches you to be confident with your body, identify with it, feel it; and at the same time fantasizing about the other (or the same) sex -  real fantasizing! thinking about porn doesn’t count! - is very good for your imagination and to have a good psychological relationship with girls.

And another piece of advice. I don’t know if in your relationship with girls you’re just looking for sex or instead you want to find someone to have a deep, caring bound with, but in the second case maybe you should try to see potential partners as human beings instead of “chicks” or sex dispensers; and also, if they turn out to be “cunts”, try and choose your potential partners more wisely (I really don’t mean to insult you in any way! I know you’re just venting! I just want to provide good support and advice!)

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14 minutes ago, info-gatherer said:

Hey again, it’s 4AM so I’m just leaving a very short piece of advice about the porn section. It’s something I mentioned often in this forum because I think it’s important for people to understand. Some people appreciated it, some others didn’t, but it’s what I think anyway: porn and masturbation aren’t synonimes. Our generation - the internet generation - finds it difficult to think about one without the other. The truth is that porn is an unhealthy habit that in the worst cases can even turn into an addiction, while masturbation (not compulsive, evidently) is in my opinion a healthy thing to do. It teaches you to be confident with your body, identify with it, feel it; and at the same time fantasizing about the other (or the same) sex -  real fantasizing! thinking about porn doesn’t count! - is very good for your imagination and to have a good psychological relationship with girls.

And another piece of advice. I don’t know if in your relationship with girls you’re just looking for sex or instead you want to find someone to have a deep, caring bound with, but in the second case maybe you should try to see potential partners as human beings instead of “chicks” or sex dispensers; and also, if they turn out to be “cunts”, try and choose your potential partners more wisely (I really don’t mean to insult you in any way! I know you’re just venting! I just want to provide good support and advice!)

I appreciate the post.  I wanted to clarify something here.

I don't view women as "sex dispensers" and did not write this anywhere.  I wrote that I wanted a deep caring and emotional relationship with a lover and a best friend.  The word "Chick" does not resonate with "sex dispenser" to me and I don't like being related to a guy who would use a woman for sex when I do not practice one night stands, hire prostitutes, solicit sexual behavior from random women, etc.  People in my region of the country say "Chick" pretty often so I'm just not familiar with it being offensive?  It's a different variation of the word "Chica" which means girl.  I have never really heard this before, but I'll pay attention to it next time I guess.

Thanks for the help, though.  I do tend to be attracted to a certain personality type or person it seems and am having bad luck.  So I will try to work on what I am looking for.  I honestly don't know what I am looking for or who.

Sleep well.

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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@BooksandTrees I've read your long post. You don't like yourself and you don't see what in you is worth liking. All you wrote is about external things - other people, porn, gaming, sugary foods. And you depend on them to get your fix. Nothing from the list is going to satisfy you completely. Imo you have to treat your anxiety first and you have to go to a doctor about that. There's nothing shameful in getting the help you need. Calm your anxiety and overthinking, balance your diet (prepare snacks to chew on as well, you gonna need it), go to the gym and use your body's perfectly natural way to get you some happiness. Or pick any other activity, but I'd go to the gym first so you get fit and don't suck so much when you shift to a sport later. And start noticing good things about yourself. Force yourself to find a way to praise yourself for things you did right today. You need to be your own cheerleader all the time. No one cares, but if you know you did well, nothing else matters. 

 

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9 hours ago, Vera said:

@BooksandTrees I've read your long post. You don't like yourself and you don't see what in you is worth liking. All you wrote is about external things - other people, porn, gaming, sugary foods. And you depend on them to get your fix. Nothing from the list is going to satisfy you completely. Imo you have to treat your anxiety first and you have to go to a doctor about that. There's nothing shameful in getting the help you need. Calm your anxiety and overthinking, balance your diet (prepare snacks to chew on as well, you gonna need it), go to the gym and use your body's perfectly natural way to get you some happiness. Or pick any other activity, but I'd go to the gym first so you get fit and don't suck so much when you shift to a sport later. And start noticing good things about yourself. Force yourself to find a way to praise yourself for things you did right today. You need to be your own cheerleader all the time. No one cares, but if you know you did well, nothing else matters. 

 

I've lived my life not liking myself or wanting to know myself and I just don't see the point anymore. I don't understand what to like. People spend time with me and I get so depressed after because I don't understand why they like me and I don't understand how they are happy. 

My dad used to brag about himself all of the time and people would be so impressed and tell me how lucky I am to have him as a dad. But at home he'd scream at my mom and me. He'd brainwash us and use fear to control us. It took me 21 years to abandon him because I was so afraid of what would happen to me. I didn't see the point in celebrating myself because people are so stupid that they believe anything they see and aren't skeptical of what is happening behind the scenes. 

 

Even the bullies in school had these girls chasing them and i knew how shitty they were outside of school. I even told the girls they were chasing idiots and they blew me off. Then they get their hearts broken. It made me realize most people dating don't have a fucking clue either so I gave up on dating because even if I sold the idea that I was great, they would always be holding back and lying. I always gave out more than I got back. I also dated a dangerous criminal who abused me for a year and I didn't date for 9 years after that. 

I have nothing to look forward to and nothing that gives me happiness besides laughing and hockey.  I find it embarrassing and humiliating to brag about myself or love myself. Any goals I've accomplished came through spite and anger or to compete with others who had no idea I was competing with them. It made me elitist where I made myself know I was better than them, but I hated what I was doing, hated myself, and made myself sick with digestion issues. 

Edited by BooksandTrees

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@BooksandTrees, there is nothing humiliating in loving yourself and praising yourself for what you are doing to improve your life. And it is not about bragging like your abusive father did. It is about accepting and being self-aware. Reading your journal, I got the feeling that you are self-aware, you tend to analyse your behaviour and work out the solutions of your problems. You are yourelf. You wrote that others like you but you don't understand why, But it is their decision to like you.

Imagine yourself a researcher and think of everything you have achieved, all skills you have acquired throughout your life. You may also write it down and get back to that long list when you fell blue. Avoid negative framing and negative evaluation. I am not a scientist but I hardly imagine any researcher who would study some dark matter or any other scientific stuff and say 'ugh, it's ugly, let's quit'. You say that you have abandoned your father, write it down as well. Because after 21 years, good times are coming. And they are. Because bad things won't stay forever.

Speaking of relationship, it may be hardly comforting for you, but most girls don't understand why good guys prefer bad girls (just as you didn't understand that girls). Since the humanity haven't died out yet, misunderstanding isn't a problem. You will find that right person, but first you should become that right person for yourself.

I hope you get better soon.

 

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Thank you. @Catherine17.

Today was a great day. I was in my bed for 24 hours straight but I got out at noon today because I scheduled some time with my friends to work on my cartoon. It was an amazing success and I had a great time. We created concept art for the characters of the show, background art ideas, main art style, plot nailed for the first 2 episodes, plots for the last 8 episodes, and ideas on other things. 

I really love working in a group where we collaborate and create funny, fun, unique concepts. I can tell this is going to be successful and I hope it gets me recognized and give me the validation to one day leave engineering and make a career out of cartoon writing and creation. 

It was also a good distraction from negative thoughts. It was an 8 hour session of fun, creative thinking in a positive light. 

I also think I secured my goals for 2019:

1. Create the cartoon

2. Go to the gym for the year

3. Dedicate time and activities to like myself and learn to love myself. 

Anything else can come after. 

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1 hour ago, Silverlining said:

You did all those things within 8 hours? That's amazing!

Could we see your cartoon when it's done?

Definitely! I'm his try to pitch it to a network once it's ready. Gonna be several months. 

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I'm really getting sick and tired of people who think they're important and carry around this air about them where they think they're a gift to humanity. I don't know how to ignore it since it doesn't affect me at all. I just tend to fixate on things when I'm frustrated and my mind goes all over the place to generalized hatred. I'm frustrated with my project at work and can't get progress going and it's competing with my mind. 

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On 2/9/2019 at 10:18 PM, Catherine17 said:

@BooksandTrees, there is nothing humiliating in loving yourself and praising yourself for what you are doing to improve your life. And it is not about bragging like your abusive father did. It is about accepting and being self-aware. Reading your journal, I got the feeling that you are self-aware, you tend to analyse your behaviour and work out the solutions of your problems. You are yourelf. You wrote that others like you but you don't understand why, But it is their decision to like you.

Imagine yourself a researcher and think of everything you have achieved, all skills you have acquired throughout your life. You may also write it down and get back to that long list when you fell blue. Avoid negative framing and negative evaluation. I am not a scientist but I hardly imagine any researcher who would study some dark matter or any other scientific stuff and say 'ugh, it's ugly, let's quit'. You say that you have abandoned your father, write it down as well. Because after 21 years, good times are coming. And they are. Because bad things won't stay forever.

Speaking of relationship, it may be hardly comforting for you, but most girls don't understand why good guys prefer bad girls (just as you didn't understand that girls). Since the humanity haven't died out yet, misunderstanding isn't a problem. You will find that right person, but first you should become that right person for yourself.

I hope you get better soon.

 

That's awesome!

I came to the same recognition that it is good to be at first stable with yourself and loving yourself.

 

Edited by dirkj3
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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm really getting sick and tired of people who think they're important and carry around this air about them where they think they're a gift to humanity.

Like Sheldon Cooper?

I thought those people are the laughing stocks in daily life.

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What a terrible day.  It started off with me waking up after only 3 hours of sleep and feeling very sick.  I was only able to get 2 hours of sleep after that, but it wasn't really sleep.  I then struggled at work to get stuff done because it is challenging and I keep getting so depressed.  I'd understand it better if I wasn't so down on myself.  I ask people for help and it just goes right through my head because I sit there and all I hear is "You're a fucking retard.  You're so behind on this project.  You're a piece of shit.  You should give up completely. I hate you.  You're pathetic.  Fuck everyone and fuck you."

That is literally all I hear all day long.  I can't take it anymore.  I went home because of the snow and slept for 6 hours because I couldn't eat any food.  My bird got sad that I ignored him, my mom tried to make food for me and I got angry because she put expired food into the meal, so I didn't eat it.  I got angry at myself for hurting her feelings because she was just trying to be nice.  I canceled a date because of not feeling well and feel bad about doing that.  I took work home so I could work without charging hours and didn't do it.  I feel like a colossal failure.

I don't like having people help me all of the time.  I was independent for 8 years and learned a lot about cooking my own food and being responsible for myself.  When people try to be nice to help me they usually fuck things up, do not listen to what I've said about my diet for the past few months, and just make random shit for me to be nice.  I get angry that they did not listen to me say which foods have been causing me severe stomach pains and heartburn, but I appreciate their love and kindness.  So then I get upset with myself that I was upset with them and I just can't fucking win.  I just feel like it's not worth talking to people at all sometimes.

My mom wanted to go to Florida with me one weekend in February.  She didn't plan it at all.  I tried bringing it up.  She now just says "Oh, let's go the last weekend". Nope, I promised my friend I'd go to his house party 2 months earlier.  I probably won't enjoy it since I don't enjoy drinking games and seeing people get drunk, plus parking in Boston is a bitch, but I promised.  I get angry that this stuff gets planned at the last minute.

I also get angry that my friendships are just not going the way I want them to go.  I expect so much and expect people to learn things or be better, and they don't.  I'm so disappointed in most people I know in life and disappointed with myself.  If I get angry at them I feel even worse.  I get very angry that most of my friends and family can't FUCKING COMMUNICATE.  If something is on my fucking mind I either discuss it immediately or plan to discuss it.  Everyone else just fucking does shit on their own terms and complicates things for me so they don't go as well as they could go.  

I'm very tired of being angry because it causes me to hold it inside, then I get depression, then holding that gives me severe heartburn, then I get sick, then I get sad, then I get angry again. For nothing.  Nobody cares.  I'm making myself suffer for stupid fucking reasons and I can't take this anymore.  I want to give up and just fucking go away or something and never be seen again sometimes.  I don't want to die because I enjoy living.  I just feel like running away.  I guess video games were good at that because you can run and be successful.  

Edited by BooksandTrees
I was mean.
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I got pissed that I was being an asshole and I worked on my cartoon for an hour.  It felt great to put things aside and be productive.  Journalism made this possible because everything I wrote above was swirling in my head like a toilet full of shit.

I'm now going to organize my work and set my alarm early for tomorrow to get something started with that before I go to work.

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