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TwoSidedLife

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  1. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 10 Today's Progress Happily still here going strong. I've made great personal progress, but I can still be doing better. I still have basic things to work on. I don't have any urges to game as i've found many other better and more exciting things to do.
  2. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 5 Today's Progress Slowing down my pace. Maybe i've been drinking a lot cause i'm unsure of my future. Having control and freedom is hard too - huge responsibility on your own part to take yourself forward. For now i'll focus on basic chores and help around the house (Make a habit from it). Additionally, I want to go the extra mile and do things around here nobody has time to worry or think about (Organise things).
  3. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 3 Today's Progress A lot of my past 'baggage' is coming up. I'm missing my ex a lot. I realise I want to have more friends around me now. I cut off my friends in mid 2017. That's the last time i've hungout with anyone. I don't see any possibility of how to make friends while i'm going to be studying online at home again. I have a lot of anxiety to deal with tied to my disorder. But i'm definitely getting better through the years. I want to build better relations with my family and learn through those relations. My sibling's friend said its cool i'm talking more to them. Though I feel weird being friends with my siblings friends - We're close in age and a lot of them know me through someone else. It sucks for me when they've heard of me, because i'm nothing like that anymore. Any new situation involving a story of past me is annoying because I have explain my life to ppl I just met. Also the added stress of knowing they've already judged me. Wish I was more willing to branch out - but strangers I meet on the street (doesn't matter their age!) know you through someone else. I mainly regret doing drugs for this very reason. I feel like i'm being held as a social hostage. Maybe one day i'll just stop caring about it all. It's mainly just a pain in the arse having to explain.
  4. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 2 Today's Progress Haven't been pursuing my goals as much as i'd like to. But i've taken it upon myself to take a step everyday to help me get into a school course. I definitely would've relapsed today. However, the games left on my computer are excrutiatingly boring and the lounge has been taken all day by family (I still have a console there). I would've played games on my steam account, but my sibling still has the password with them. They won't give me the password until I pass 90 days and ask for it back myself. I've had a drive to find things eccentric skills i'm interested in and general skills I want to build upon. I realise I want to learn about and be skilled at many things. There's only a handful of things i'd like to keep pursuing to higher levels, but for the most part i'd like to know everything on a basic level. When I get the funds, I really want to take coin collecting seriously. I made a trade with my sibling a year ago for their coin collection they got from a (separated) parent. I have well over 100 doubles i'm wanting to trade for my collection. So far I only need the funds to send these out by postage. It's a pity that I don't want to look at coins because i'm really keen to start this already, but lack the funds.
  5. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 1 Today's Progress Back on stopgaming. Made it one day. I'm considering that I might have a drinking problem now. This morning/maybe last night, I was contemplating how to get more (Even tho I have no money and I need to drop out of my course, stop payments ect.). Basically I get paid by the government to study and that's how I pay for school fees. I managed to jump out of bed. I'm keen to try this new reward system I planned/brainstormed in my head. I heard a bit of the advice elsewhere, but you basically reward yourself when you do something towards your goals and the reward is related to the goal. I haven't been rewarding myself. I slept at 1am or so, set alarm for 10am. I jumped out of bed at 6am, but when back cause 'it's not healthy' to have only 5 hours of sleep. Then I woke up at 7 and jumped out again and the same thought came up, so I slept again. Today I went to the school to drop out (Since they haven't replied by email). They told me I owe nothing and I got to keep my money. Instead I blew it on alcohol after telling myself I was going to quit because I had no money. On a positive note, i'm taking steps to find a new course. I've gotten creative since my city is small and has little to offer. Ended up finding lots of different online courses in my country. I just feel like shite cause of my family honestly. People are working and one is at uni. I get that. But there's a huge lack of understanding that nobody can accept I have trauma that stops me from going to school easily and normally. At least i'm happy with myself for trying still.
  6. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    @BooksandTrees Thankyou so much for your support. I honestly do struggle w porn aswell (although it's not common to hear w women, it's still a struggle nonetheless). Been a bit of a side goal for me personally to abstain from it. It's very much worth it in the longrun to abstain from porn and gaming. Builds us to be better ppl and channel that energy into much better things. Self discipline is an ongoing game. I truly do feel a much stronger pull towards my goals. It's more meaningful than games could ever be. As long as I challenge myself, i'll be happy :)
  7. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 18 (RELAPSE!) Today's Progress I've been drinking and this is how I relapsed. I played for an hour before being too bored to continue. Prior to playing, I was so restless to find something physical to do. Even if it was just playing with marbles on the ground (I threw them out a while ago lol). I didn't want to game cause I knew it was boring. It was more of an attempt to really find something to do and cure the restlessness. Before gaming I drew 2 sketches (I like drawing when i'm drunk. It's a lot better that way, because I don't care about perfection and don't take forever drawing). Again I relapsed to a game I didn't want to play. I've had cravings for specific games and haven't played them yet. I feel like everytime I watch my sibling play a game, I end up relapsing. But I don't remember the last times. I know i'll get back to gamefree tomorrow. The streak doesn't really matter to me. I'm happy that i'm able to get back to stopgaming within the same hour of stopping after a relapse! The first few times, I would let myself binge for a few weeks. I've got some new tactics to put in place to stop the gaming (Place it all on a USB). Along with that, i'd like to just instead watch gameplay to remind myself of the reality of how boring it is. I've never been addicted to watching twitch or gameplays and have always found them insanely boring. I did watch competitive time to time, purely to improve my gameplay (I quit multiplayer for good years ago) and also when I had bets on it. I've got very strong reasons never to go back to multiplayer. I've also never kept up with gaming news, i've always thought of it as really dry and not intellectual enough for me.
  8. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 16 Today's Progress Last night I had a nightmare that made me realise unresolved feelings about my past. I think it's time I brought it up with my psychologist. I felt like gaming when I woke up because of it. Instead I just slept again (15 hours tho which sucks). I feel depressed today. I'm gonna keep going despite all the stuff going on inside and outside. My family keep talking about how useless I am because I dropped out and can't communicate or do teamwork easily like them. I dislike that they've never been supportive and instead just makes me feel bad till I do something good (Guilt tripping). Sometimes i'm too afraid to do things because of them judging me. I want to cook something - they'll get mad, tell me to go to school so I can buy my own ingredients. I want to exercise in my room but I don't want to be noisy and draw attention to myself because i'm sick of getting yelled at. At least i'm not blocking out these feelings
  9. TwoSidedLife

    Am I addicted?

    Hey there, these are my questions to you: Why did you feel the need to ask a community of game addicts, if you were addicted? Usually people will not ask unless it's bothering them. What do you get out of gaming that's different from any other hobby? Sure, you could be playing chess instead and be 'addicted' to it. But I don't know of anyone with just one hobby. Do you meet the criteria for addiction in general? Is it stopping you in any one area of your life eg. Health, Relationships, Career. There's a lot of excuses to be made here, such as your personal health could be suffering but you justify it by saying at least your career is great. There's got to be good balance between them all. It's not worth saying one area can suffer just because another area is amazing. A bit of a more personal question, Do your kids game and do you spend time with them having fun without gaming? If you could imagine yourself stopping for 3 months, what are the positive changes that could happen? That to me is enough to say that gaming is causing a dopamine inbalance. Gaming ticks all the boxes cause it's very stimulating. Most people who do the detox are able to enjoy simpler activities again. Though only some have that as a main reason to stop (There's many different individual reasons to stop). Everyone has different reasons for stopping, some are powerful enough to make them want to quit forever. I was also a bit frugal with gaming. My laptop is from 2012 also, I can't run majority of the newest games and I don't keep up with that stuff anyway. I also waited for price drops. Being young still (20 this year), I use to load up $50 on steam and set myself of a limit of only buying games that're $5 or less. That way I could have lots of games and variety. I didn't buy loot boxes or any of this shiet either. Mainly cause I quit all multiplayer games in 2014. Though singleplayer can be just as addictive. Edited: Everything abt my sibling, cause they're not addicted and it was a misleading example to use.
  10. TwoSidedLife

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Hello JustTom, this is my input on therapists @Silverlining I saw 3 therapists before finding one i've stuck with for 5 years now. I have trauma so it's something I really needed. Apart from that, this therapist teachs me psychology. It's so I can understand myself better and that's what I prefer. She is more of a life coach than a therapist imho. She helps me with school, doing my goals, social stuff and even helped me ask someone out. The first two therapists made me want to feel accepted and shit, but that's not what I want out of a therapist. I wanted someone cool that would teach me stuff. Everyone has different preferences, needs and personalities. She said I was the only young person that saw her and majority of her clients are police officers. My family doctor helped me find therapists. Therapy is completely up to you Tom, but not all of them are the same. Not all will be great and it'll take a few to find someone you connect with. It's been really helpful for me to have. Main difference is therapists can tell you why you're in certain habits, why you are the way you are ect. a life coach can help you change, but they can't explain your past or yourself.
  11. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 14 Today's Progress Started off a bit lazy, but I feel like i'm slowly building momentum. Somehow when I was waking up, I had a lot of energy and motivation to jump out of bed. I had a false awakening (Where you think it's real life, but it's a dream). I was trying with all my will, motivation and power, I gave it EVERYTHING to slowly get up and get out of bed. It felt like a powerful force pushing against me. When I woke up, it amazed me that I had the willpower to do that. Especially since I thought I was awake. Today, planned my goals as a draft of how to bullet journal them. I'm really liking this new system! I implemented time as an important factor in my goals. Thankyou again @BooksandTrees for giving me the push to do this and a clearer way to structure it! It's been far more helpful than first imagined! I've written down so far for yearly, quarterly, monthy, weekly and daily goals. Daily being my way to review everyday and decide what I want to do on that day. My goals week starts on Friday, since i've always used Friday as the start of my week (Most ppl go with Monday or Sunday as the first day of the week). This gives me time to write it down in the journal, add some future goals and tie up some loose ends around to-do-lists. School at this point REALLY needs to get sorted. I feel like i'm not caring enough that I dropped out and not trying hard enough to pursue another option. Also, AWESOME! I made it to 2 weeks gamefree!
  12. TwoSidedLife

    discussion Not sure what to do?

    It sounds to me like you're abstaining from it, because you likely were binging it and not getting any work done? I've never been in this exact situation, but i've got my own strategies that could help sidestep this. I use to love watching movies, TV shows ect. online. I made huge lists of things to watch and it was even my 'life goal' to watch as many movies as I could. Now, I really hate movies and i'm a lot more picky with what I watch. Which is a great thing, but not so great with friends (I really hated watching movies at a friends place). At the same time there's also Youtube. I didn't play catch up with subscriptions, I would just waste countless hours on useless things (Those clickbaity, 10 places in the world stuff). Did I learn anything from it? No. Because majority of it has never stuck with me and only a small fraction of stuff stands out. There's a different between controlling what you see and letting it control you. When I go to Youtube now, I will only search what I want to see specifically. I won't even open youtube if I don't know. Productive stuff might be "I need to see how to make a dove tail joint for woodworking". But I can also look up funny stuff if i'm in the mood. "I want to see some cyanide and happiness". As for movies, I like documentaries and science horror (Fiction). I don't think about movies often enough anymore to really indulge into it again. The last movie I saw was last year, being Ex Machina. It was well worth it. I like movies that make me think and involve morals. There's no TV shows that're worth watching for me at the moment. There was one I would definitely continue with, but I saw it a few years ago and can't remember the name. The same kind of question would arise from gamedev's who're doing stopgaming. But rather than playing the game, they're able to just watch gameplay instead. If I were you, i'd only watch a cartoon/anime if I knew it'd be helpful to my work. Specifically the things that communities talk about and share are probably more worth it imo. Since they're also wanting to make cartoons (I assume), or are interested in the the specific aspects of creation. There's a different intention (a productive one) behind watching the cartoon. What you're abstaining from (I assume) is the non-productive intention behind watching cartoons. You can do both. You can abstain from the ill-intentioned meaning of watching cartoons AND also be productive in watching cartoons. Just always think before you do so. Is this going to waste my time, or is it an experience worth having for my work? Be honest with yourself :)
  13. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 13 Today's Progress I find myself questioning if I really didn't game today (Forgetfulness due to dissociative stuff). For the most part, I think I just haven't filled my day with memorable moments yet. Approaching two weeks feels like nothing has happened between then and now. I don't even remember the last game I played though hahaha. I fended off some cravings today. I'm craving a puzzle game (The Black Watchmen), just seemed like something really fun and rewarding to do. I'm in desperate need of a mental challenge where I can just do something and not have to spend the physical effort setting it all up. I'm still bored. I still need to make efforts to find something challenging and 'easy' to start. Essentially thats what gaming was to me. I don't want to game because I crave real achievement now.
  14. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    @BooksandTrees Thankyou for your info! I feel stressed over not being able to do lots in a short amount of time. It'd definitely be very helpful if I apply a similar format using timeframes and the 5 years in the future concept. I don't want any of my goals to slip away or be forgotten for the most part. Time overall is an entire piece i'm missing to my goals. That'd be really damn helpful to solve a lot of roadblocks. Time management has never been my strenth hahaha. I'll definitely be reading up more about time with goals. This has been a great insight! I like to apply a bit of everything to whatever I do. Personalised systems work best for me. I appreciate long detailed posts actually lol. I love learning about everything. It was a realisation I had that pulled me out of my pot addiction (At that moment I immediately began to binge learn online lmao). Eventually started withdrawing and got sober cause I was more addicted to learning. A few months later gaming started to get in the way of my learning. It also felt like the chore that smoking pot was, it just annoyed me. I looked back on my past and realised gaming had affected me a lot more than pot did. I researched game addiction (and now here I am!). Before finding gamequitters I read multiple studies about gaming. The best material you can ever get though is from someone else directly sharing their own knowledge. Sharing knowledge is an amazing and powerful thing! Thankyou again for taking the time to share your knowledge.
  15. TwoSidedLife

    TSL's Journal

    Day 12 Today's Progress Despite hardly doing anything, I feel amazing overall in my mood! I've been eating healthier (Getting up and actually cooking food + making salads) Feel like i've got more energy. I've been drinking everynight. But I spent a good portion of my daytime searching for 'how to format' my goals. Finally found something that might work for me! Writing the goal as a yearly, writing monthlies, weeklies and dailies related to it. Perfect for me, an amazing way to be able to organise my days! While being drunk i'm sorting my goals and making steps towards them because it's fun! Looking forward to having lunch w my parent tommorow (all you can eat buffet!!)
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