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7 hours ago, padreman said:

 

Sorry, I hope I'm not hijacking your journal.  I just want to thank you for your words.  And know that you are not alone.

I shouldn't have exploded on here, but I think it's just raw frustration. I worked so hard to get to where I am with my life and I'm just let down by it consistently. I really hope to prevail here and make my dreams come true. I'm proud of you for quitting and sharing your feelings. I know it's so debilitating knowing you only got a handful of minutes to yourself it feels. 

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Today was decent. I woke up late again and made breakfast, went for a 2 hour walk, made food, watched TV, had therapy, had my online date, and then sculpted in Blender for about 2 hours. So far t

Today I'm 1 year free from video games. 52 weeks. I'm not stopping here. I'm also 54 weeks free from social media. I'm not stopping here either. I wanted to write and reflect on my brief journey

Today I'm 104 weeks or also 2 years on my journey free from gaming. I can't believe it's been this long. I feel like a different person and don't really have the words to describe how much this means

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7 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

You are trying to combine logic with emotion, that doesn't really work like that xD You feel how you feel. Do you know what makes you unhappy? If you find the reason you are unhappy, can you change the circumstances? There's a time to stop and feel your feelings, but if the feelings persist it means you have to take action and do differently. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. The answers are within you, you have to ask yourself. Is it that you need a better schedule? Is it that you need to take hobbies slower? Again, treat yourself like you would treat a friend or family member, not harsher. You're the only one responsible with loving and taking care of yourself, so don't forget to do that.

I decided to change my routine up and I'm just gonna stick with it. I got to work 2 hours before I normally do today because I was tired of wasting my time. If I keep this up then I'll hopefully have more time and energy to work on my real passion in life. Maybe this can lead to happiness? It's worth a try. If I can build and evolve my structure to adapt to the happiness and freedom I need then I will feel better. Ld just having a routine, getting proper sleep, and a schedule will improve my mood regardless. 

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Did you see the pic below originally posted to this forum by @karabas ? Feeling depressed or wasting time occasionally doesn't invalidate all your past effort.

Learning not to beat ourselves up when we "fail" is very important. I would say that it's more important to be able to deal with setbacks than to keep succeeding. 

Real life will be full of setbacks. We'll be fine as long as we stay resilient.

Good luck!

Lakhiani-New-Concept-of-Growth-Chart.thumb.png.2647b1116730d123ea8de3314ae3bf28.png.6e0ba5432261dfc2d71259c98235d5f1.png

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Cam's Video on Participating

 

I hope this link works as I'm writing from my phone. I was really upset the past few days because I'm not understanding why I can't build the courage to work on hobbies or live life. I still want to ask my therapist if I'm afraid of happiness or trying to be happy. It seems like I want it, but I want it to come to me. I get angry if friends don't message me or if work doesn't tell me I'm doing well without me asking how my performance is going.I wonder if I'm being selfish and a baby. That might be harsh, but I just wonder if I'm being fair to myself and also if I'm being fair to those in my life and environment. This video was really what I needed tonight to help me ask the right questions to my therapist and myself. 

Matt 

ps, I'm 8 weeks free from video games. 

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On 12/11/2018 at 2:00 PM, Silverlining said:

Did you see the pic below originally posted to this forum by @karabas ? Feeling depressed or wasting time occasionally doesn't invalidate all your past effort.

Learning not to beat ourselves up when we "fail" is very important. I would say that it's more important to be able to deal with setbacks than to keep succeeding. 

Real life will be full of setbacks. We'll be fine as long as we stay resilient.

Good luck!

Lakhiani-New-Concept-of-Growth-Chart.thumb.png.2647b1116730d123ea8de3314ae3bf28.png.6e0ba5432261dfc2d71259c98235d5f1.png

I like this a lot. I tend to be very difficult to myself and bevis a hypocrite but telling others to be easy on themselves. I gotta practice what I preach a bit a work harder at healing. I haven't gamed in 8 weeks, but I also haven't done anything in 8 weeks. I just sit here now and I'm getting exponentially depressed and cynical towards others. Brooding with hatred. I don't like this feeling. 

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15 hours ago, Matt S said:

It seems like I want it, but I want it to come to me. I get angry if friends don't message me or if work doesn't tell me I'm doing well without me asking how my performance is going. I get angry that I won't get a girl to flirt with me first etc. I wonder if I'm being selfish and a baby.

You'll probably get bored of me but I have to share one (more) thing with you from one of the books I've talked to you about. 

(Yeah, I opened the book to type this on here, word for word! xD)

________________________________

The practice of self responsibility: 

I am responsible for my personal happiness. One of the characteristics of immaturity is the belief that it is someone else's job to make me happy- much as it was once my parents' job to keep me alive. If only someone would love me, then I would love myself. If only someone would take care of me, then I would be contented. If only someone would spare me the necessity of making decisions then I would be carefree. If only someone would make me happy. Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back in my own hands. Ahead of taking this responsibility I may inside it will be a burden. What I discover is that it sets me free.

...

In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs. 

...

No one is coming to save me, no one is coming to make life right for me, no one is coming to solve my problems. If I don't do something, nothing is going to get better. 

____________________________

Get the book! xD

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2 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

You'll probably get bored of me but I have to share one (more) thing with you from one of the books I've talked to you about. 

(Yeah, I opened the book to type this on here, word for word! xD)

________________________________

The practice of self responsibility: 

I am responsible for my personal happiness. One of the characteristics of immaturity is the belief that it is someone else's job to make me happy- much as it was once my parents' job to keep me alive. If only someone would love me, then I would love myself. If only someone would take care of me, then I would be contented. If only someone would spare me the necessity of making decisions then I would be carefree. If only someone would make me happy. Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back in my own hands. Ahead of taking this responsibility I may inside it will be a burden. What I discover is that it sets me free.

...

In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs. 

...

No one is coming to save me, no one is coming to make life right for me, no one is coming to solve my problems. If I don't do something, nothing is going to get better. 

____________________________

Get the book! xD

Is this the self esteem book?

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ANGER

I had a very explosive day today.  I had to wait at a car dealership for almost  3 hours just to get my oil changed and tires rotated.  I completely freaked the fuck out and scared everyone there.  I then went home and just exploded in a very horrible display of anger that I am not proud of doing.

I am not proud of this because my father used to have a horrific temper growing up.  He'd make you feel so afraid and he was so uncontrolled that I always wanted an evacuation plan just in case something bad happened.  I've been afraid of my temper because I know my temper is unfortunately worse than even his was.  He could turn happy after an explosive moment and it bewildered me.  I could  not and cannot do that.  It's very hard for me to let go of anger.  I think this is bad because I never let things go and I remember everything.  This compounds onto itself and when the right thing happens, oh man, you should not be near me.  I became blindly irate and guided in a fit of rage like a tidal wave in the midst of a hurricane.  It's not good to be in front of that wave when it crashes.

After the tirade was over I was very embarrassed.  I felt like Gohan or Goku did in Dragonball Z and Dragonball when they felt terrible for the destruction they caused.  I didn't destroy anything, but I felt like I destroyed a bit of myself in my rage.

It's sad, really.  I'm frustrated and have been frustrated for years.  I used anger as the guiding force to healing my life after bad events in my childhood, video game addiction, and depression.  I used that anger to sculpt discipline through fear of failure.  I became an incredible person at the cost of my mental and physical health due to using anger as my fuel.  I'm trying so hard to not be the negative one.  I'm trying to hard to be positive.  I guess I'm stuck in a loop.  

The good news is that I'm 8 weeks free of video games.  The bad news is I keep going back to porn and I keep having a fear of working on my hobbies that I enjoy working on.  I enjoyed putting in the effort to write, draw, podcast, and exercise.  It's just that when I stop doing them for a bit, I never want to return to them.  I get so depressed at work that I just don't enjoy my days.  I get home and I'm so tired from fighting depression that I just want to sleep and do nothing.  My life is boring.  I wake up, go to work, come home, get tired, do nothing, watch tv, maybe make dinner, maybe not, and then read some news articles, go to bed, play a sudoku puzzle, watch porn, watch a youtube clip, and sleep.

That's so fucking boring!  I don't understand why I'm not just doing these things.  It's that effort that I need to put in to make this happen.  I just really miss the availability of video games.  I'm craving them so much.  I hate the fact that I need to start over again to enjoy life.  I'm not looking forward to the challenge and journey of learning something new.  After being an expert and professional gamer for most of my life I just hate having to restart.  I miss the prestige and I miss the easiness of it.  I don't want to work hard and I don't know why.  I keep watching these videos and reading snipits of books and articles about doing it for yourself and just doing it.  How the fuck do I just do it?  "dude, man, it's in the question itself. Just do it.  Haha, like Nike, right??" Fuck off.  I just don't understand why I don't want to do it.  

Am I not doing this because I hate myself?  Am I not doing it because I hate the fact that I'm going to die and it most certainly means nothing anyways?  I'm not motivated at all.  I don't know if I love myself.  I'm just afraid to be in touch with my real emotions and I can't get into them.  People say I need to open my heart and be vulnerable to feel happiness and bond with others.  Maybe even find a relationship with a woman.  But I can't even connect with myself let alone doing that with a friend or woman.  I'm not ready for love from a woman right now because I don't understand how to feel love or feel happiness, really.  I don't want to wait for someone to make me happy either.  I'm not sitting there and hoping for a miracle.

I think my mind is just frozen with my heart.  They're both not moving at all and it's overheating and causing extreme distress and anger.  I want to understand on a fundamental level why I'm not allowing myself to fully commit and dive into something.  Even when I dive into something, it doesn't last more than a day or two.  I get tired of it and not balanced.  It's all or nothing.  It's like I need a constant life coach or something to navigate my days.

I just fear that if I don't make this connection and understand why I can't commit to life then I won't go anywhere and eventually play video games again or something and fail more. Anyone have any ideas?

Matt

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10 hours ago, Matt S said:

I keep having a fear of working on my hobbies that I enjoy working on.  I enjoyed putting in the effort to write, draw, podcast, and exercise.  It's just that when I stop doing them for a bit, I never want to return to them.

In our brain, this kind of fear is equivalent to physical pain. So forgive yourself first, because you have been literally going through physical pain. It's the same thing when you don't want to use a cut finger to touch hot water. It's totally nature. Everyone procrastinates. It's just some flaw of our brain.

Fortunately, we also have a way to get around it. When you focus on the "product", i.e. an article written, a podcast recorded, a painting finished, your brain will feel the pain. However, if you focus on the "process", your brain will be fine. You don't have to get anything done. Just do something for 10 min. That's can't be too hard. And then extend it to 20 min, 30 min when you feel comfortable to. You don't need to think about the result. Just keep working on some hobby consistently and be amazed by what time can do.

Do not label yourself. You do not hate yourself. If you do then you would never be in this forum in the first place.

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11 hours ago, Silverlining said:

In our brain, this kind of fear is equivalent to physical pain. So forgive yourself first, because you have been literally going through physical pain. It's the same thing when you don't want to use a cut finger to touch hot water. It's totally nature. Everyone procrastinates. It's just some flaw of our brain.

Fortunately, we also have a way to get around it. When you focus on the "product", i.e. an article written, a podcast recorded, a painting finished, your brain will feel the pain. However, if you focus on the "process", your brain will be fine. You don't have to get anything done. Just do something for 10 min. That's can't be too hard. And then extend it to 20 min, 30 min when you feel comfortable to. You don't need to think about the result. Just keep working on some hobby consistently and be amazed by what time can do.

Do not label yourself. You do not hate yourself. If you do then you would never be in this forum in the first place.

Good advice and I agree.  I was reading an interesting piece about forgiveness for your past and love for your future.  It's just a lot of these expectations I put on myself that are unrealistic.  It is going to be important to be fair to myself and be a real friend to myself.

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I had a really good conversation with @fawn_xoxo yesterday and it helped me calm down and refocus a bit.  She's been a really important person along my journey towards gaming addiction recovery because she listens very well and also challenges me to keep moving forward.  I appreciate her attention to detail and commitment to me as a friend even though we have never met.  She is someone I'm very thankful to have met in this community.

I decided to wake up earlier today and just make sure I could get to work focused and ready to go.  I was the first one in the office, got all of my stuff done, and was ready to go, but had to stay 3 hours late to work on other stuff.  Previously, this would have infuriated me and I would go to bed tonight late, wake up the next day late in anger, and repeat the pattern.

no

I will wake up early tomorrow and get to work first and do my thing.  I was still furious today about having to work late, but I'm going to keep the right attitude and stick with the plan.  I think my conversation with Fawn helped me get a bit of a reality check with a few things and my expectations about myself.  Tonight, I still made dinner after complaining and now I can watch my hockey game before bed.  I'll also read.  I think I had this misconception about reading where I should just read before bed and not at any time for enjoyment.  There are times where I want to relax and read at home, but felt like it's not real and I shouldn't do it.  

I get into these mental frames of mind where I feel like I shouldn't do anything and I become authoritarian in my style of mentality towards my activities.  That's not real either.  I want to get in this mind set of "ok, I'm not at work anymore.  I can now relax.  This is my time to enjoy life now.  I don't have to urgently rush into a productive activity.  I can take a deep breath and say this is my time."

This is important because I get so anxious about getting out of work and spending time the right way, that I get severely stressed and criticize my activities instead of trying something new, smiling, and enjoying life.  I'm now just letting the night come and relaxing a bit.  Just gotta stick to it.  Fawn and I talked about just spending a little time on a hobby and letting it gain some traction instead of going at it 100% like a job.  I'm going to try it a bit tonight and try to get even a few minutes of creativity completed.  This is good for my past self, who wished I could be creative, my present self, who is unfulfilled, and my future self, who wants to be a creative and balanced person in my free time.

Matt

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I find myself to be very sad tonight.  I feel like I'm not happy.  I feel like I haven't been happy in months.  I'm strong willed and confident that I'm not leading the life I believe to be true in my heart.  

I want love.  I want happiness.  I want to have purpose.  

I feel like a drone.  I feel empty. 

But I feel hope.

I feel strength from inside churning like magma about to erupt from a volcano.  I feel the tremors.  That seismic activity reigns supreme until my eruption.

I promise myself I will find the right path because I want happiness, God dammit.  I'm tired of feeling the life being sapped out of me.  That's why I played games for years.  No more escaping through hiding.  I need to reach my dreams and love.

I am strong and I am tired of crying.

Matt

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I'm trying not to get worse, but I am. I start the week off getting in early and doing well and then getting bombarded. I'm already getting to work 2 hours later than I was. 

Also, if you have a fucking cold, don't go to work. I've never been sneezed on so many times in my life. 4 colds in 1.5 months. 

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8 hours ago, Silverlining said:

So how is it going with your hobbies?

BTW, exercise is not only a way to lose weight. It's also very important for both your physical and mental health. Try to exercise a little bit when you feel down, mostly likely you will feel better immediately. It also boosts your immune system.

Hobbies:  I've been finishing up the self improvement and stress reduction class I bought.  I have 2 hours left to watch.  It has been a nice class and I'd like to review my notes when I'm done.  I'm packing and preparing to move home so I've been doing that with most of my free time.  I am watching my sports team and preparing my podcast for when I move into my new home and can work on it.  I have guidance for what I need to do for my cartoon and can't wait to work on it.

 

Exercise:  I'm going back to the gym on Friday with an appointment with my trainer.  If I hate it then I'm just gonna fire her because I haven't been enjoying it with her for the past half year or so.  

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I'm falling into the same pattern I fell into 2 years ago. I'm really sad each night. I get home late from work, feel sick,  roommates are so anti social and personable that I'm just alone. My world has really closed off where I'm living. I'm moving out soon, 2 days to be exact. I got told I probably won't be kept in touch with because my old roommates play games and only really keep in touch with gamers. 

How sad is that?

I feel alone at work a lot of the time and alone at home. Most of my friends make little effort to hang out. The only bright side is a girl I've been talking to outside of work that I met. I really want some happiness. The only happiness I get I binge it. I really just want to go home,  get a hug,  and heal. 

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Uh-oh, I see a lot of warning signs here.

I understand that you are an extrovert type, so it must be very difficult for you without social activities. Given your work schedule, you probably do not have much time to make new friends, either.

I remember when I just graduated and got a job, moved to the city, was cheated on and broke up, lived with 2 roommates who barely spoke with me. I was very depressed and got into a new relationship too soon. It wasn't healthy and I didn't enjoy it, so I broke up with that guy after 3 months and went back to games directly. Apparently I don't have much advice for you, because it would be tough for anyone in such a condition. I'm just sharing my experience with you, hoping that it would be somewhat helpful.

And it seems that you are very depressed. That's why I mentioned exercise the other day. I would suggest exercising at least 10 min a day. You do not need to go to gym for this. Exercise is a natural treatment for depression. From time to time I also feel depressed, but after running or cardio for 10 min, the depression will be gone and I will find myself smiling again. It works like magic. I guess you are going to gym today, so I hope you can feel it, too.

Good luck.

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3 hours ago, Silverlining said:

Uh-oh, I see a lot of warning signs here.

I understand that you are an extrovert type, so it must be very difficult for you without social activities. Given your work schedule, you probably do not have much time to make new friends, either.

I remember when I just graduated and got a job, moved to the city, was cheated on and broke up, lived with 2 roommates who barely spoke with me. I was very depressed and got into a new relationship too soon. It wasn't healthy and I didn't enjoy it, so I broke up with that guy after 3 months and went back to games directly. Apparently I don't have much advice for you, because it would be tough for anyone in such a condition. I'm just sharing my experience with you, hoping that it would be somewhat helpful.

And it seems that you are very depressed. That's why I mentioned exercise the other day. I would suggest exercising at least 10 min a day. You do not need to go to gym for this. Exercise is a natural treatment for depression. From time to time I also feel depressed, but after running or cardio for 10 min, the depression will be gone and I will find myself smiling again. It works like magic. I guess you are going to gym today, so I hope you can feel it, too.

Good luck.

Yeah, it's difficult making new friends because that's also a lot of work. I gave this advice earlier to Phoenix, but I need to realize I'm exhausted and relax. I'm moving home from my toxic living situation, stressed with work, and trying to recover from 3 addictions. It's a lot. 

I'm on 10 days of vacation now so I'm gonna move, relax, enjoy family, watch my shows, read, exercise, and then slowly work on hobbies towards the end of the week. 

I'm just glad to be leaving my depressing situation. 

Matt

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I'm now over 9 weeks free from quitting video games.  I took the next step in my life by moving back home with my mom.  Most people would view this as a negative as I've given up my "independence" but this is important for me.  I really miss being in a loving home.  I really miss having someone to talk to.  I felt so isolated in my other apartment because people there just played video games.  Nobody ever spoke to me about their day, or hobbies, or life.  And certainly nobody really asked me how I was doing.  It was just a "hi" or "sup".  That doesn't cover it.  This goes back into my post from months ago stating I wasn't happy with most of my friends in life because they put no effort into me.  My mom is special to me because she's always there for me.  I need that right now.  I'm vulnerable and spiritually weak I'd say.  I feel so tired and just want a damn hug and some attention.  I'm tired of being and feeling alone.  I'm at the point now where if you want my attention in life, you give me attention first and prove to me you're not a selfish idiot.

I'm now on vacation and will be spending this time to heal.  I want to build some good habits by sleeping and waking at the right time, and then I want to work on hobbies slowly and get chores done as well. My future is going to change and I want it to change for the good.  I'm tired of living my life in a sad way and I'm tired of being surrounded by cheap friends and acquaintances.  I've learned a lot over the past few months who my real friends are.

I made a big step with Fawn tonight discussing my porn addiction.  It seems to me that I turn to porn as a mechanism to simulate love and finding love.  Men are programmed to search for a mate, reproduce, and care for their mate in life. Porn takes away most of that.  It just lets you "search" for a mate in the search bar, then watch scenes, and then it's over. No love, no romance, no relationship.  It's lonely.  that's why we get depressed when we watch porn.  There's nothing deep about it at all.  I found that I had cravings to watch porn when I wasn't sexually aroused or interested at all.  This made me realize I just wanted emotion, attention, love, and companionship.  When you're lonely and anxious, porn is just that thing that helps simulate something.  I'm not ashamed anymore.  I just know that is the reason I've been watching.

Matt

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4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Holy shit dude. You're onto something here. It's scary how much his applies to me.

I'm really happy to hear you're spending some time healing and making conscious moves to get into a better environment. Good job, man!

And congrats on being clean for over 9 weeks!!!

Thank you. I think we all have these issues and it's just important to think about them and see why we submit to our vices. 

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I finally finished all the big moving parts and can finally settle into living at home.  I'm still unsure about a few things.  Do I keep my normal gym membership near work or do I cancel it and get a new one near home?  I live 1 hour from work and traffic going to home from work is worse than traffic from work to home.  I want to get 3-5 days in the week again without that anxious feeling.  I just want to go, do my things, and not stress.  I mentioned before a few weeks back how I had issues once I left work regarding hobbies.  I couldn't just enjoy the hobby, I just had this terrible feeling after leaving work of disgust, exhaustion, frustration, and wanting to escape.  It's hard to turn that around and enjoy life after that.  I am working on that now.  For some reason I have a difficult time going from sad to happy.  I think I'm not alone here, though.  It's all the esteem and frame of mind conversation.  If I now start doing things for me then that is big.  I make the choices to be happy or sad for the most part.

I'm now getting back into the 1 hour classes for healing and work related to my projects.  I'd still like to get in the routine of recording a podcast on the weekend real quick and posting on Mondays.  I'm going to try that this weekend.  I also have a few mental reminders in front of me now to stay focused on work. I have a giant calendar with a "Work" schedule.  This is for hobbies and passion projects.  Although sticking to a schedule can be stressful and lead to poor enjoyment, I think it also can serve as a reminder that my current life schedule is not leading to differences to make me happier outside of work.  So sticking to this will be big for a few weeks until I have it in my mind that I can enjoy life.  I don't want it to give me the feeling of "Ok, it is 6 PM. You can have fun for 1 hour." 

I fell into that trap many times, so I want to approach it with the mindset of "Ok, it is 6 PM, try doing some of these activities now that you have free time since you'd otherwise just be gaming, watching TV, YouTube, or doing nothing."  If I can get that mindset of learning to enjoy my free time through mentally, physically, and socially stimulating activities, I'll learn to enjoy working hard, enjoy life, and just not feel so down all the time.  Hopefully this builds confidence.

I also booked a fun vacation with a friend.  I haven't vacationed with a friend in 3 years.  Before that I had only done it once in my life.  I want to see our world more and enjoy life more.  Have big things to look forward to doing.

One thing that is disappointing me is my urges for porn still linger.  It really does remind me of quitting games 4 years ago where I'd play once a week and then get mad at myself.  I'm not watching it multiple times per day, each day of the week anymore, which is good, but I still fall into it 1-3 times per week.  The good news is that it's starting to sicken me more and more each time.  This was the mindset I had with gaming.  I'd be sickened by my habits until I realized I was torturing myself and needed to quit.  I'm on the right path here.  I've had little to no enjoyment and am starting to lament it.  I apologize for not quitting immediately, but my pace is strange with this one and I've had to do a lot of concrete learning in order to fully understand why I'm addicted to it before quitting it fully.  I just like to understand the full side of things before just quitting it.  I came to the full understanding of why games were bad for me when I quit and I've had no qualms about quitting now.  I want to do the same for porn so I don't have any reminiscent thoughts or emotional attachments to it.

Matt

 

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First of all, I am so happy to read pretty much everything you wrote in this thread! You are turning the page, you are making progress! It has been incredibly helpful to me to schedule my day and be accountable to myself, because even when I am procrastinating and being lazy, and I snooze my reminders for my planned activities, that behavior nags me. So I might not do what I should be doing at the time I had planned, I might move it to later, but I will do it! And I wasn't like that before!  But moving on to something I want to comment on specifically:
 

4 hours ago, Matt S said:

I just like to understand the full side of things before just quitting it.

It is imho of paramount importance to understand why we do some things, because if we do not have that knowledge then we are not as well equipped to deal with the problems that might arise when we try to change our behaviors. In example, if I do not have the awareness that I eat extra food because I am bored, simply saying I will quit will only work until my will power gets depleted, which only lasts like 3 days right? However when I have the knowledge of the reasons behind my behavior, then I can come up with a plan to deal with the underlying issues!

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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24 minutes ago, fawn_xoxo said:

First of all, I am so happy to read pretty much everything you wrote in this thread! You are turning the page, you are making progress! It has been incredibly helpful to me to schedule my day and be accountable to myself, because even when I am procrastinating and being lazy, and I snooze my reminders for my planned activities, that behavior nags me. So I might not do what I should be doing at the time I had planned, I might move it to later, but I will do it! And I wasn't like that before!  But moving on to something I want to comment on specifically:
 

It is imho of paramount importance to understand why we do some things, because if we do not have that knowledge then we are not as well equipped to deal with the problems that might arise when we try to change our behaviors. In example, if I do not have the awareness that I eat extra food because I am bored, simply saying I will quit will only work until my will power gets depleted, which only lasts like 3 days right? However when I have the knowledge of the reasons behind my behavior, then I can come up with a plan to deal with the underlying issues!

Thank you.  I couldn't have done it without your incredible support and friendship.  I look forward to making more progress and accept myself when I inevitably step backwards rather than lament myself and quit. 

I agree.  I just feel like if I get an urge to eat when I'm not hungry, or watch porn when I'm not sexually aroused, there's something going on that's causing me to want something I'm not doing.  So if I'm equipped to handle those situations then I'll be able to combat those thoughts and move forward with my feelings.  Sometimes I just want to give up or be sad because I'm unhappy, but if I start getting in the mindset that my free time is celebratory time for myself to live life then I'll start to have the confidence and awareness to be happy and to live the way I want to live.  To look forward to the gym or exercising.  My goals are to get in shape and feel good.  Those are great goals.  I also want to be more flexible and have better posture.  

It's important for us to have goals, but it's more important not to overload the expectations of these goals.  Goals are just a smaller word for guidance.  I think we just need guidance and direction in our activities in order to get the ball rolling so we can succeed with confidence.  Once we are confident, not comfortable with a hobby, but confident then we can create tangible and achievable goals.  Say you are confident with your art style, now you can go after new goals of making a new project. Whereas comfortable just means safe and not ambitious and lacking.

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