Dear Diary...

[fawn_xoxo]

Imho seeing real life tasks and responsibilities as a mountain is simply the direct result of having been away, ignoring those things while gaming all these years. Gaming made us all ignore things like that, and made it all look so annoying in comparison. 

You don't need to change your mindset, your mindset will change when your actions change. In a literal sense, if you don't like the view from a certain a spot, get up and move to another spot. Figuratively that means taking the actions that you feel resistant towards. There's no easy path, your mind follows your actions. 

If you want to feel differently, act differently. 

Yeah it's hard, but if you wanted it easy you would have stuck with virtual life.

[BooksandTrees]

57 minutes ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Imho seeing real life tasks and responsibilities as a mountain is simply the direct result of having been away, ignoring those things while gaming all these years. Gaming made us all ignore things like that, and made it all look so annoying in comparison. 

You don't need to change your mindset, your mindset will change when your actions change. In a literal sense, if you don't like the view from a certain a spot, get up and move to another spot. Figuratively that means taking the actions that you feel resistant towards. There's no easy path, your mind follows your actions. 

If you want to feel differently, act differently. 

Yeah it's hard, but if you wanted it easy you would have stuck with virtual life.

Which is what I'm saying. I'm saying taking action helps us make changes and gives us a new outlook. But having that mindset will help lead us there and reinforce that not everything we do is as easy as gaming or porn. Once we have confidence and experience in these activities our cravings will subside and we'll be more comfortable living the life we're envisioning right now. I mentioned that the biggest thing we miss is just doing stuff. We could just do games without thinking and get a reward. That's not real. So we want to do things, but don't know how to since we need to learn, and it acts loge this giant obstacle and stressed us out. 

All these little things feel brutal and we just gotta jump in and do them and feel it. 

[BooksandTrees]

https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2umfts/a_guide_how_to_quit_pmo/

@Phoenixking

[BooksandTrees]

Today I got an extreme urge to game, watch porn, and eat junk food. I was so irritated and tired. Then I realized that's it. I've only been averaging 6 hours of sleep the past 3 weeks. I'm tired and none of my bad habits will fix that except for not sleeping. So I've decided to shut down any thoughts of a relapse because logically it doesn't help my cause. 

My solution is just go to bed earlier. If I sleep an extra hour each night for 7 hours a night, then over the course of 7 days I'll get a total of 7 extra hours of sleep, which equals a full day of sleep. That's huge. Over a few weeks I thin I'll feel more restored. I'm proud that I caught this in the act of it happening and not overreacting saying I hate my life and need to do other stuff to feel better. 

[BooksandTrees]

I had a porn relapse last night and this morning. But instead of getting angry at myself and ruining my day and weekend. I decided to not feel sorry for myself or angry. 

Instead, I got up, ate a healthy breakfast, grabbed my laundry, went to the laundromat and did laundry while reading my new book. I'm now going to fold the laundry, pay my bills and do some chores I've put off. Then lunch, a walk outside, and try another hobby like writing or drawing. 

I didn't fail, I stepped back a bit, but stepped forward more than I stepped back. 

[Brian]

On 1/26/2019 at 10:10 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I didn't fail, I stepped back a bit, but stepped forward more than I stepped back. 

Love this!! Way to check your mindset and choose something other than self-criticism and self-directed anger. 

Has your sleep been improving? 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm on week 14 of no games.  I still get cravings when I'm trying to work on a hobby, but they aren't as brutal as the porn ones and I never cave in.  I do want to note a positive trend that I've noticed.  When I was trying to quit gaming I would only game on the weekends, but I'd binge them.  I wouldn't actually play during the week until I just gave up.  I'm mimicking that with porn and don't watch during the weeks.  It's becoming an every other weekend thing for the most part unless I have a horrible anxiety issue.

I mentioned earlier in the week about changing and remember @fawn_xoxo asking what my plan was.  I believe my plan is going to be an instantaneous plan of action to help deal with cravings, emotions, and anxiety on the spot.  I had a few tests this weekend with the plan and succeeded in all of them except one.  

Where I Succeeded:

• I realized my mood was being affected by tiredness.  There's an acronym "HALT" which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.  I noted two posts above about sleep issues so I built into my plan that I'd like to sleep more and got more than 7 hours each night so far.  If anyone is going to try the HALT method, please add "THIRST" to the HUNGRY portion.  I notice that sometimes if you eat a lot of sugar, sodium, or fat without drinking water it will skew your emotions and make you feel lethargic, depressed, and irritable.  Those feelings can trigger deeply routed emotions of loneliness, low self worth, and frustration with yourself.  
• I had a great weekend.  I went for a walk with my mom, did laundry and several chores like grocery shopping, cleaning, etc.  I also read a book, went snow tubing with my friend, watched hockey with another friend, spent time with my bird, and relaxed.  The issue here is that I was tired and took a nap today.  I woke up and freaked out that I wasted time on the weekend and started to think that all my hobbies I want to do in life are never gonna get done.  I started to panic that I didn't know how to live life properly, start a hobby, follow through, get a fun lifestyle, etc.  I asked my mom for help because my anxiety was giving me chest pains and I had watery eyes, but not crying.  I really wanted to watch porn or game at that moment so I could get a quick fix and hide from my emotions. I told her about my frustration with my goals.  We sorted through my goals and it turns out I accomplished all of my goals for the weekend except write about my cartoon.  I didn't realize I achieved 7 out of 8 goals - a high success rate.  I also noticed I was very thirsty after eating Chinese food (SODIUM & FAT).  So I drank like 16 oz of water.  I then ate dinner, talked to my mom, played with my bird, and feel a lot better now.  I'm present and not panicking and realize i had a great weekend and my mood was being skewed by being mean to myself with lofty expectations and not taking time to congratulate myself on accomplishing everything else I wanted and having a great weekend.

Where I Failed:

• I had heartburn at night and woke up at 5 AM because I was THIRSTY and ANGRY.  I have a fear of vomit and heartburn can make you nauseous.  I quickly had heartburn medication and water.  Where I failed was I wanted to clear my mind from fear of getting sick and racing thoughts, so I watched porn for 30 minutes and went to bed after.  

What I Learned:

• It's important to explore the impetus of what's causing me to crave pornography and video games.  If it's something that can easily be changed such as diet, sleep, and talking to someone, then it's important to recognize when you need to do those things and do them.  Taking action is what we need.  If we address these issues and the depression, cravings, and anxiety still remain, then I speak to my therapist and uncover what is going wrong.  I wrote earlier how I got angry that I never hung out with friends, lived life, and dated these chicks that I could have dated.  I have addressed that I didn't like myself and couldn't understand how they could like me.  It made me afraid of success because I couldn't understand it.  I have and am consistently forgiving myself for these events in my life when the emotions occur.  I am also being cognizant of the fact that I was upset due to not doing those things in life so I am doing them now and planning ahead so I have stuff to look forward to in life.  Doing events in life and feeling success helps me through this.  Little steps.
• The most important thing I learned is that you're going to be hit with surprising triggers on the spot at any moment. I am starting to be able to handle the HALT triggers, but the severe heartburn anxiety attack I had was something I will need to develop a strategy to deal with it.  My process is close: heartburn medication, water, and deep breathing, but maybe I can do a sudoku puzzle, read a comic strip, or watch a quick YouTube video to clear my mind instead of turning to porn.

Matt

 

Edited January 28, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[BooksandTrees]

3 minutes ago, Brian said:

Love this!! Way to check your mindset and choose something other than self-criticism and self-directed anger. 

Has your sleep been improving? 

Thanks, it has.  I wrote a bunch just now so I think it might answer your question lol.  Funny timing.

[Brian]

Funny timing indeed! I'm glad to hear that your sleep has been improving! It sucks to be tired and fatigued throughout the day because of less sleep than is needed. 

Great post. I love how you're diving deeply into the "why" underneath your cravings and urges. When you feel anxiety and anger come on, those sound like powerful emotions. Have you tried moving your body? That might help discharge some of the emotion. (E.g. - pushups, air squats, or just shaking your hands/wrists/arms for like 15 seconds.) I don't know how that would effect your heartburn, but it might be worth a try. 

 

[BooksandTrees]

44 minutes ago, Brian said:

Funny timing indeed! I'm glad to hear that your sleep has been improving! It sucks to be tired and fatigued throughout the day because of less sleep than is needed. 

Great post. I love how you're diving deeply into the "why" underneath your cravings and urges. When you feel anxiety and anger come on, those sound like powerful emotions. Have you tried moving your body? That might help discharge some of the emotion. (E.g. - pushups, air squats, or just shaking your hands/wrists/arms for like 15 seconds.) I don't know how that would effect your heartburn, but it might be worth a try. 

 

I used to move my body a lot during anxiety attacks, but it made me look like I was having a seizure.  When I was suffering from severe gaming and malnutrition issues I would actually shake almost uncontrollably and cry until the episode ended.  Since quitting gaming I've never dealt with it again.

[BooksandTrees]

deleted

Edited February 11, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[BooksandTrees]

29 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

Though I think it's wonderful you'd make a big move like switching states and move so far away from your family, I fear it might just be another form of you running away. If you do it, make sure you contemplate it well and plan ahead. Don't do something huge like that on an impuls. 

That being said, if you' don't like where you are, it can feel very empowering to change your environment entirely. More sun and a warmer and more relaxed atmosphere might do you wonders!

I'm sad to hear that you feel so miserable. Try and figure out exactly why and perhaps, with babysteps, change that? All proper change stems from awareness first and foremost. 

Would it be jumping to conclusions to suggest you might be suffering from a depression? 

Oh I know I'm suffering from depression. I just don't find happiness in what I'm doing. I want to create a cartoon and write books and perform comedy. I like my pay, benefits, and coworkers, by I'm just immobilized by the work sometimes and it debilitates me. I want to write so badly and I never get the chance. I do feel like I'm running, but I don't really enjoy the cold and just feel lost. 

[Silverlining]

I don't like the cold weather either. I wrote a little bit and meant to reply to you here but then realized that I shouldn't vent in your journal with all those negative emotions. I'll post it in my journal. 

I have always wanted to move to California. Or Florida.

[BooksandTrees]

3 minutes ago, Silverlining said:

I don't like the cold weather either. I wrote a little bit and meant to reply to you here but then realized that I shouldn't vent in your journal with all those negative emotions. I'll post it in my journal. 

I have always wanted to move to California. Or Florida.

Please write whatever you want in mine. I'm a huge fan of discussion. I don't like when people scan through and put a like and leave. I'd appreciate the discussion if you ever wanted. 

[fawn_xoxo]

It appears like your work is doing you great harm. Are you finally ready to give it up maybe? I don't know anything else to suggest, this appears quite obvious to me but at the same time you don't seem like you want to do the big move from working there to not working there. The choice is in your hands, it's always been, and right now, every day, you're choosing this reality. You don't need to move states to change jobs, and I wouldn't recommend it especially right now that you are so emotionally vulnerable and lost, you have a support system in Massachusetts, you have nothing like that somewhere else. 

Why do you stay in this routine that causes you harm? This job appears like an abusive partner. Why are you giving it more time?

[BooksandTrees]

3 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

It appears like your work is doing you great harm. Are you finally ready to give it up maybe? I don't know anything else to suggest, this appears quite obvious to me but at the same time you don't seem like you want to do the big move from working there to not working there. The choice is in your hands, it's always been, and right now, every day, you're choosing this reality. You don't need to move states to change jobs, and I wouldn't recommend it especially right now that you are so emotionally vulnerable and lost, you have a support system in Massachusetts, you have nothing like that somewhere else. 

Why do you stay in this routine that causes you harm? This job appears like an abusive partner. Why are you giving it more time?

I choose to stay because I really like my coworkers and environment. I love the way I'm treated there and how we interact outside of work. I feel like I'm part of a community that appreciates me for who I am and what I'm worth. It's just the work doesn't always appeal to me. 

My issue is that I went through so much distress getting my degree and career from nothing that I can't bear the weight of starting over again. I can feel trapped and get severe anxiety from it. 

[BooksandTrees]

I also think maybe I'm not sure how to appreciate my career. I think I'm on the right path where I'm exploring my writing interests while building a career in a difficult industry and making good pay. So when I stick to my goals of working out after work and writing then I'm happy. It's just sometimes I go out of control and have a severe breakdown. 

I'm not always happy, but I'm providing myself the resources to steadily learn how to write and produce my ideas in a financially stable environment. If I leave, I'd have to work 4 jobs to make the money I am now, which means no free time at all. 

I think I over reacted yesterday, but it's just from stress. My dreams can't cause me to cave in. I need to be disciplined until I'm where I want to be in life and appreciate the highs and lows of my journey there. 

[BooksandTrees]

I've recovered pretty well from my midweek meltdown.  Thank you Phoenix, Fawn, and Silver for the support.  I went to a beer festival on Friday night with my friends.  We talked about my cartoon, had a blast, and I could finally be myself.  People kept paying attention to us because we were laughing a ton and I managed to get a lot of attention from women in the city. I also helped this school I've been volunteering at with an engineering competition and had a great day yesterday.

One woman in particular has me confused.  I don't really have much experience with this because of my gaming background, but I at least know how to flirt very well in person and talk.  I made a joke to this girl at the beer event and we hit it off.  We spoke for 15 minutes and at the end of it she said "ok, how am I going to see you again?" so I asked for her number and she gave it to me.  We texted a bit that night and that was it.  I texted her yesterday to see how she was and if she escaped the army of drunk people.  She laughed, said yes, and asked if I had a crazy experience.  I told her a quick story about how these drunk guys thought I was a celebrity and kept hugging me.  She never responded.

I was honestly going to wait for that response from her and then ask her on a date.  No response.  This is playing with my head a lot.  I am good looking, have a good job, can speak to anyone, naturally the center of attention, I'm not an asshole, I am interesting, I can make you laugh effortlessly when together, and she forced me to take her number from her! 

So why does she not respond after the story?  It's kind of pissing me off.  As you all know from my previous journal entries I have a self esteem issue.  I constantly feed into my depressive thoughts of low self worth, low confidence, low sexual appeal, etc.  Even if it's not true.  My whole week I've been carrying myself so well socially that I've garnered a lot of attention from friends, women, and just people in general.  This girl is also painfully attractive.  Even if I'm honest with myself, I'm good looking, not great looking.  I'm not a model.  This girl literally looks like Kristen Bell with glasses.  Even her personality is similar.  What the hell does she want from someone like me?  I made her laugh the entire time, I had her smiling, she kept making body contact with me, introduced me to her family there, etc.  

I don't think I should have asked her on a date with my first or second text to her, but maybe I think I should have?  Maybe I should have been all flirty right off the bat saying she was the highlight of my night, send the stupid emojis, and ask when we're going on a date because I want to see her beautiful smile again.  That just didn't feel natural to me?  I feel like I can flirt very well on the first impression, get her number, and then have no idea how to follow things up.  Sometimes when I do the same thing I just did, it works really well.  This just makes me think she's not interested in me and gave me her number to get attention for herself or something.  Or maybe she was busy?  Who knows.  I like when girls text me back, I don't like when they text too much, idk.

I think this is just an area where I'm very self conscious and insecure after I meet a girl.  I get this pressure to speak to them because I really want to find a girlfriend who I'm excited to spend time with and be romantic with. I'm giving a strange impression to the girls I meet because I dress well, I'm very confident, I'm funny and people naturally congregate to me when I'm out socially because of the laughter and not being a jerk.  I lead most of the conversations and keep everyone entertained.  Maybe I'm expecting that I should keep doing this in the days following meeting the girl?  Maybe they're expecting me to do it as well?  

I'm probably just overthinking and need to focus on my day and clear my mind.  Regardless of whether I date this woman or not, her interest clearly shows that I am likable, people like being around me, attractive women show interest in me, and I shouldn't think I'm a loser.  One of these days the woman will want to spend time with me and I'll figure it out through continuously trying.  I feel good about doing all of this and it is a victory for me.  Even the guys who go to the bars every night of the week have issues with getting a date and just because I worked so hard to get into society again doesn't mean I'm owed a date from any woman I try to flirt with.  Everywhere we go in life with the healing we've made there will be new challenges that await us.  There's no victory at the end of a game.  We meet the girl, we gotta date.  If we date, we gotta see where it goes.  Every step of relationships brings new challenges and we can't go back to bad behaviors when they don't work out immediately.  This is how we relapse.  I need to be proud of myself for my large successes this weekend and carry that into my life this week and beyond.

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

You are indeed overthinking it. I can understand why though, all the right signals are there, aren't they? 

I'd advise to 'have faith'. If she's actually interested, she'll text or call. If not, it's not a path worth investing energy into. Be confident and content with yourself and your choices. Clearly you're on the right track in terms of recovery, self-discovery and evolution of your mental health. You don't need constant verification from others to solidify that. You're a powerhouse on your own. But of course it's nice to get some of that sweet, sweet attention from time to time ? I'd say, take it all for what it is and appreciate that. 

She doesn't text back? Fine. You're okay. Nobody's bleeding out or anything. Appreciate the experience and the fact that you got that attention from a hella cute girl.

Maybe give it some space. Where I'm from the social conventions are a tad different, but where you're from maybe it's best no to rush into things too madly. You don't know her that well, do you? Maybe her work life is super stressy. Maybe she's just heard somebody died. Or maybe there's a boyfriend or ex somewhere in the frame. Maybe her phone died or her house got broken into. Maybe it was a fling and she's just not that into as she initially thought she was or signalled to you she was. Who knows? There's 100000000 possibilities. And you have no control over any of them. So it's healthiest to just let go. Worrying won't affect any of it in a positive way, so don't waste that energy ? 

Or maybe she does text back. Maybe in a few hours, a few days or a week. Maybe you'll have to lure her out in the open a bit? Maybe she's not that big of a texter and prefers long and fun conversation in real life? 

Try to just take it as it comes, cross said bridge when you come to it ? 

I'm proud of you, buddy. You're doing great.

Thanks man, I appreciate it. You are right and I always tend to neglect the fact that I'm constantly trying to seek the approval of others whether I'm healing or not. I think I'm getting close because when I'm on and being myself i just feel amazing. I'm having more of the good days than the bad. I'm accepting myself more each week and healing more whether I accept it or not. 

I just know that dating has been such a sore subject for me because of the relationship abuse I took years ago and the 9 year gap between dating due to two college degrees and not wanting distractions. I'm forgiving myself for that long gap because my end goal was important. 

I just see chances like this and it hits like a ton of bricks. I worry I'll have intimacy problems sometimes, but when I dated over the summer I had no issues with it so I think I'll be fine. I think it's as simple as I was just hurt after putting myself out there and it happens. I'm gonna be ok and maybe find someone. If I don't, at least I'll have found myself. 

Edited February 4, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[Phoenixking]

8 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm gonna be ok and maybe find someone. If I don't, at least I'll have found myself. 

This is something of unmeasurable mental wealth. And I know a lot of people who very much could benefit from an insight like this. Mad props to you.

[BooksandTrees]

I'm tired of fucking treating myself like a piece of shit.  I beat myself up for 3 days about something so small that it distracted me from work.  I let these negative thoughts about myself encroach upon my psyche and haunt my thinking patterns throughout the day.  

Why?

I have the fucking answer. Because I'm not standing up for myself.  I don't want to use anger as my main fuel of motivation anymore because it's exhausting.  But enough is enough.  Cut the fucking shit.  I keep telling myself I suck and I'm ugly and I'm doing things wrong.  What if I do this, will this person think that?  What if I fail, what will they think now?  Oh my gosh, I can't handle it because if they see me after I mess up then it will be awkward and I'll hate life more and everything is bad. FUCK

FUCKING STOP

Dude, you don't hate your job.  You don't.  I know you're proud of it.  You fought for fucking years to become something and now you are something.  Hundreds of people look up to you.  You have the ability to work full time for excellent pay and to spend your spare time going to any restaurant you want, any country you want, any hobby you want to try, any sporting event, you name it and you can do it. 

I can do it because I'm smart about my savings, I do a good job, and I manage my time well.

Being tired after work won't change wherever I go.  If I wrote cartoons all day I would want to do something technological in my spare time.  It would be a mirror of what I'm doing.  Artwork makes shit money compared to engineering.  Most artists are such shit at their work that they need multiple jobs to make ends meat.  I don't need that.  I take pride in my work and my effort.  I think I'm just so mean to myself.

I'm mean to myself.

I don't take the effort to appreciate what I do.  I blamed it on my office stress and demanding hours, but that's not always true.  They give me work because they trust my work ethic.  They love having me on projects.  I get invited to do things at such higher levels than normal because of my abilities and capabilities.  I make zero effort to visit anything I've designed.  I have so many structures built around part of the United States and haven't taken one picture. Not once.  Why?  Because I think bragging is embarrassing.  Why would I celebrate myself?  

Why not?

Why not celebrate myself?  Who is telling you you're an asshole? Oh, you are!  Nobody else is.  There is literally nobody in the world calling me an asshole but myself.  Who does that?  Cut the shit.  Your dad might have called you an asshole your whole life and treated you like shit, but his voice need not be present in your mind at all times.  You're incredible.  You design things very few people can, you've proven people wrong at every place you've been in life and achieved every goal you've ever set out to accomplish in life, and you are so kind to others.  You put your friends first, you volunteer at middle schools to teach poor students about the importance of engineering, you volunteer at universities to give guest lectures and seminars to guide students into the right professional directions, people seek your voice out for help in real life and online, and people find my comedy fucking hilarious.  People want to work on your side projects with you because they're good.  You are so fucking smart that you work 40-60 hours per week designing buildings and bridges, but after that you create a fucking cartoon from scratch, write 2 books, learn to cook, figure out a gym routine, and are trying to figure out how to heal as a person.

You've been complimented by so many people for constantly striving for something better in life and to improve the people's lives around you.  You are incredible.  What the fuck are you doing calling yourself a loser for?  

I'm sorry for getting mad at yourself, but this bull shit needs to fucking stop right now.  I'm tired of seeing you derail your entire fucking day because some chick didn't text you back.  She should be chasing after you with your accomplishments, and you know, if you look around you, the people you've surrounded yourself with do chase you in so many ways.  Appreciate that.  You're a leader, not a follower.

I need to forgive myself for being sad and directing depressing thoughts towards myself because of the years of abuse from my dad and abuse from myself.  I can leave him behind, but I need to forgive myself because I can't leave myself behind.  Once I forgive myself for saying mean things to myself and trying to sabotage my success, I need to forgive myself for being mean.  I am only being mean because I am tired of seeing myself cripple over such unimportant things and letting these insignificant thoughts deter me from my daily life.

Forgiving myself once isn't going to fix things.  I need to constantly forgive and remember it because if I don't keep myself in check then I will fall.

You're all thinking I'm crazy after writing this and you reading it.  I don't give a shit.  I needed this.  

I'm awesome and I need to keep fucking telling myself that because I'm tired of not feeling awesome.

[BooksandTrees]

Yes, I like anime.  I don't care.  This is a great anecdote.

Edited February 5, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[Phoenixking]

I am fucking loving this.

[BooksandTrees]

Anxiety is terrible and my mind is just depraved of coherent thought. I feel like I'm constantly battling my thoughts and emotions and I'm so tired. Today was rough. It got better because of my coworker. In therapy it was confirmed that I have severe anxiety which causes depression. I just don't want medication. It is making me sick though. My mood is all over the place. I need a hug and some sunlight and to learn how to cry. I had a good day though. It's funny how I had a good day but I'm so stressed. 

I'm annoyed because Friday night was the best I've felt in several years. I felt like I was my true self. I had everyone's attention, was with my friends, had the attention of women, was doing two of my favorite hobbies at once, felt like I had an identity and I was afraid to lose it. I lost it instantly with that dating thing and kept beating myself up. I kept calling myself worthless, ugly, pathetic, embarrassing, stupid, and an asshole for not having this girl talk to me. It confirmed that I didn't belong with my friends or to flourish in my true identity. That made me lose all my emotion and leave me empty. 

That's why I'm sad. I sabotaged myself into believing I'm worthless when I worked so hard and have evidence that I'm not worthless. I feel better than yesterday, but I'm still so down on myself. I just want to be in a loving relationship with a woman I respect and am attracted to. I also wish I loved myself. I think I do. I just wish I had better control of my thoughts. 

[BooksandTrees]

It makes me embarrassed to be sad and weak again because of how confident I was when I was making a recovery. It's humiliating to be writing here how I'm so fragile mentally when I used to be so strong. I feel pathetic and it makes me feel like I have no credibility. Who would want my advice when I'm just a loser? Like a fat person telling you about weight loss.