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TwoSidedLife

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Everything posted by TwoSidedLife

  1. Breaking the cycle is tough, but you're here talking it about it now, so congrats! I'm an ex-pot user (not legal in Aus), for 3 yrs I smoked heavily everyday and didn't take any breaks (Only forcibly when I couldn't get ahold of any, but would be spending all my time 'sober' trying to get more). I'm 1 and a half yrs sober now. I only quit pot cause I found something much more important to me. It's something that really connected with me on a personal level, where I felt like I NEED to do it. Before then, I distanced myself from my buddies (We haven't been friends since) and began focusing on myself. I did that because I felt like I was losing myself, not staying true to who I was and was nothing how I was before. I just kept smoking alone, but started to explore all day - what I want to learn/know? What do I want to get out of life? What do I think is cool? It was like a process of re-discovering myself. The best thing about it was I was never focused on quitting and actually had no intention of quitting pot. I was just so involved, excited and happy to be focusing on myself again and learning. I highly recommend you explore your interests. Especially explore on youtube if you don't know what you want to do. Watch videos about specific things you'd want to try or have interest in as a hobby. Find things you want to learn about. A next step above that would be to set yourself a goal (an intention) based around something you WANT to do. Gaming always has progression - but ppl don't really set themselves goals irl (A system of progression). As for one on one talk, i've got a counsellor (I'm a woman btw) and she's more of a life coach to me than what I expected from a counsellor (Tho i've been with her for almost 5yrs now). If you're not wanting a counsellor, surely there's some life coaches or something alike to that out there that could also help you. I'd try looking around locally first before the internet to look for one. It's hard to keep your honesty without physicallity imo.
  2. Day 1 (Relapse) Played a game yesterday on Sunday. Did it cause I was bored and didn't have anything planned. I noticed that taking Sunday's off (Schedule free days) could've contributed to my relapses. (I've had about >10 weeks of free Sunday's) I gamed for ~2 hrs. I have no interest going back since it still feels the same as before (Boring). After I stopped, I worked on creating a schedule again. I stopped scheduling before because I felt overwhelmed. I added sunday's back in, but kept it as a relaxed day that doesn't require too much willpower or discipline (Compared to the rest of my week). I tend to tweak my schedule a lot. I should've continued that when I felt overwhelmed, rather than trying to force myself to conform to it (I probably felt like I was 'doing it wrong'). I count it as a relapse, because if I didn't, I know i'd use it as an excuse to 'relieve' my cravings. Instead I want to face my cravings and accept them for what they are.
  3. Yeah, if you feel like moderating, you can try it. But i've heard repeatedly it doesn't work and didn't work for me. I managed to go two weeks before slipping back into it. I've tried systems where I reward myself with it (Pomodoro), restricted myself to 'friends only' and 'weekends only'. Try it yourself and you'll at least learn more about yourself. Everyone's journey is different. Getting back into quitting is the hardest step imo. That probs applies to most addictions. A half hearted attempt at quitting anything doesn't work either. One relapse for me will set me into it for a few weeks. Some people relapse and can't stop for a few months. There's no advice here about moderating. The best thing you can do is give it all you got and go cold turkey. Nobody knows if they'll go back to gaming, but 'taking a break' for 90 days helps you understand and learn more about it. Some people do go back to gaming in a healthy way too (That definition is individual based). If there was moderation, everyone would do it. Those that did go back in a healthy way, spent time away from it first to develop new, better habits. Edit: Grammar/Spelling
  4. Day 4 I'm happy i've committed myself back to stop gaming. Getting past 3 days is another milestone for me. Been tempted a few times to game with my sibling. Been trying to find other things to do with them. So far i've just opted for tv shows. Eventually I hope to come up with a project we can both work on. Throughout my relapse I found some hobbies i'd like to try out soon (Electronics). Looking forward to that.
  5. Started when I was 15 playing guitar (Just over 5 years now). Guess I was just really devoted to it, was the only thing I stuck with throughout my addiction (and before realising it was a problem). I learnt by ear and after a few years did it in school. Overall tho it's not necessary to learn how to read the notes. I enjoy improv a lot and it's the best way to learn. Reading notation and going through theory will just slow you down imo, only needs to be learnt if you want to go deep into learning it. I tend to play heavy music (Parkway Drive) and play rhythm. I'm not great at lead, but it's something i'm focusing on now. Gets to a point where you can play anything or learn it really easily lol, that's when it gets amazing.
  6. After I quit pot and went into withdraws, the insomnia was becoming unbareable. I heard about meditation plenty of times but always brushed it off. I tried it that night since I was desperate for a solution (The withdraws made me very restless too). Slept so easily and so well, it was the magic bullet. Ever since that night, I kept on meditating before I slept (Sleep meditations). Sticking with it for sleep, I also experienced other things like floating, euphoria, deep peace of mind and a great place for personal reflection. Experiencing those things was a great replacement for pot and is what helped me stay quit. It was free, beneficial, didn't make me paranoid, wasn't runining my life ect. Meditation can be such a deep experience and so different too. I remember having very euphoric highs (Like ecstacy) and also an out of body experience once (I didn't realise at the time). Was a habit everynight for over 6 months. It's not a habit anymore tho. Sometimes I go back when i'm anxious or can't sleep. I stopped because I could go well over an hour without realising and it cut into my sleeptime (Began to annoy me lol). 2hrs felt like 20 mins. The audio would've stopped ages ago too without me realising for over 40 mins. Mainly when I put myself in the 'meditative' state now, it keeps me very awake, rather than putting me to sleep. I should make proper time to meditate again. I've never tried it at any other time of the day.
  7. Also in agreeance and feel the same. I've got an addictive personality too. My psych described me as 'all or nothing', which can be benificial for a lot of things too. A lot of people here can definitely relate to that aswell. Everyone's addiction and journey is different, but I reckon those 'faults' can also be translated into something advantageous. Rationalising is something to be aware of to avoid relapse. When we think about playing a game and actually do it, it's never as good as we imagine it to be. The game industry imo plays a big role in influencing rationlisation (Since it's so popular and now they're pushing back against game addiction, claiming it's not real). The tobacco industry runs a similar pattern of rationalisation. In Indonesia there's still debate as to weather tobacco is harmful or not. The purpose of industries using rationalisation is for financial interests. I strongly believe in freedom and that games should never be banned. But addicted gamers should have access to help if they want or need it, rather than being stuck questioning weather addiction is real or not. Imo the game industry crossed the line when they started throwing money in to 'disprove' game addiction. That to me shows they really want to protect their financial interests. I saw an article/study showing that most of their profits come from a small percent of 'outliers' who're heavily addicted and spend thousands. That info would've been on the websites with detailed advice and info meant for game devs on how to make their game addictive, popular ect. If you search "How to make an addicting game" you'll find lots of resources on how those mechanisms work. That might help yourself rationalise in a different way too. Information and knowledge is what helps me get through a lot of addictions. You can also dig deep enough into youtube to find videos about ex-game devs (Why they quit their job, why they themselves never played video games ect).
  8. >1 Day Managed to go my first day game free (again). Throughout my relapse, I was able to somewhat maintain daily tasks. I decided to quit again because I still spent too much time gaming, particuarly after my day has ended. I usually gamed for around 4-12 hours, going as late as 5am on some nights. Gaming atm impacts my sleep. There's no end to the games I play anymore. I've become addicted to multiplayer again. I think a key factor for relapse for me is loneliness. I spend majority of my day alone since my family goes to school or work. I studied school online when I first began stopgaming. I'm studying school online again this year. This first half of this year I dropped out of an in-person course due to anxiety. I've had problems with anxiety since I started smoking pot I want to hit 90 days this time. Another factor for my relapse was alcohol. I haven't considered quitting drinking, but want to be more aware that it can cause relapse. The only precautions i've taken is giving my account to my sibling. This has been a system for a while and I haven't had my account back for a few weeks. I've been gaming using their computer on their account - which has helped me stop playing the singleplayer games I wanted to 'perfect'.
  9. Hey, I use RSS to get specific news and keep up with certain things (notifications). I prefer using it over email, browser notifications, ect. RSS has helped me cut out distracting elements, while I can personalise it to only see /follow what I want. I've noticed the RSS link changes options/adds new options whenever I go to a different page. I think it'd be better to list all the RSS feeds on one page for people to choose from. :)
  10. Hey there! I use to have a similar habit. Tho i'd listen to non-fiction audiobooks whilst playing singleplayer 'intense' story games. They were games I had played at least 5 times through tho. I enjoy the atmosphere and could say they're low effort since ik well what to expect. But I too couldn't remember the audiobook (or game). It was like I used it to justify gaming. Learning is a good hobby of mine and ik I learn best through sound and vision. In my case, I think my habit came from feeling guilty that I wasn't learning as much as i'd like to and knew full well I wasn't living up to my potential. I also use to have a habit of watching tv shows and movies i've seen before on mute and listening to my own music. Out of curiosity I looked into the topic a bit. Maybe the same applies to gaming, but one study found it has 5 main purposes. There's many more articles alike to it too explaining 'why' (Even if it is complex). I feel like I did do it to reflect deeply, in a way to kinda shape what I wanna be or motivate me in some strange way. The things I watch and games I play are very much in common and are something i'd love to be someday (Law enforcement + Science). That's about all i've learnt about it, was enough to make perfect sense to me at least. If you're wanting to replace this habit with something else, I highly recommend meditation. Since doing it, it's been a great substitute for me to reflect deeply. I can even meditate listening to my own music now. I don't have this habit anymore since I quit smoking pot (That was when it started for me). Gaming was one area where I was able to repeat this habit tho. I find now i'm only repeating this habit if i'm drunk. Welcome to gamequitters!
  11. Decided to start a new journal. Not sure how often i'll be posting. About Me: I'm a young woman from Australia. I've been gaming since I was a child. I found gamequitters around mid 2018 and have been attempting 90 days gamefree since. In the past I was addicted to a multiplayer shooter (Especially the trading of in game items. I had made $200 USD from nothing). Since 2014 I completely quit all multiplayer games. From then to now i'm addicted to a variety of singleplayer games. I usually play for 15 hours. I decided to quit because gaming has impacted my education a lot. It wasn't until I became sober from heavy pot use (3 yrs non-stop) at the end of 2017 that I realised gaming was a problem. The prior days to searching for gamequitters, I found myself opening games, playing for ~5 mins and closing them repeatedly for hours trying to find a game I could get hooked on. I've never spent huge amounts of money on games and have never bought in game items. Most of the games I own are pre 2014. There are many popular games today that i've never played (Tho i've played and own a few, i'm still more content with older games). My hobbies for the most part are learning and playing guitar (Electric Rhythm). I do a range of things like D.I.Y, woodworking, making videos and music, digital art. There's lots of things i'm still keen to do and explore. In the past I found it best to ignore streaks. Though for reference, i've been to 66 days twice. Majority of other streaks were less than a week. My last streak however went for 58 days. Every quitting experience gives me more insight. I'm currently in a relapse stage. But I finally managed to go 1 day after over a month in relapse. I'm unsure when i'll be back to posting here. I still have a strong desire to quit. Hopefully my journal teaches you something new. I look forward to and learning from the community here and the experience of quitting. :)
  12. I always try to recognise why i'm craving. Sometimes i'm craving it because i'm not willing to face up to things that need to be done (Actionable things), sometimes it's emotional things that I need to process more (There's a lesson to be learnt in everything, especially mistakes). Other times I crave it because I don't feel a sense of achievement from what i'm doing - That lets me know I need to change something (Weather I need to recognise/reward myself for my hard work, or if I need to find better reasons / rewards as to why I should do certain things).
  13. Day 51 Just an update that i'm still going strong on StopGaming. Recently i've been having cravings for the first time. This streak has been amazing for me so far, i've changed my life in different ways. Having specific goals and a schedule has been incredible. I'm able to do what I want to do, be able to track my progress and manage that however I want. I'm having much more fun doing regular things than gaming. Gaming to me has a very lonely vibe. Like you want to shut yourself out from the world and you don't want anything to do with it. I'm more in control of my life now. I have more self discipline to do what I want to do and i'm more aware of life in general. I know this will be the streak that gets me over 90. I'm only craving games as a way to procrastinate. It's better that I don't game, because it helps build that self discipline. When I think about relapsing, I think about all the real progress I created over the last 50 days. It's such a solid gameplan. Gaming appeals to me only because its easy and its setup already, you just put the work in. When you do the same to activities in your life, it makes it 100x better. It's worth the extra few steps. I'm also on NoFap at around the same streak.
  14. Sounds like you know full well you should be avoiding it, but're wanting some justification for it. If we're quitting games, we're going to have to find a new form of entertainment or way to relax. Personally, i'd aim to find some new, relaxing entertainment that isn't digital at all. Netflix, youtube ect. they all stimulate us in the same way. It's strongly encouraged here that we find a hobby/other interests - another benefit being you can relax through those instead. It doesn't have to be hardwork all the time too. People can wind down by doing woodworking or playing guitar for example. Before bed I also do puzzles (Like sudoku) from a book to relax. Some interests and hobbies tho can be digital and relaxing in the same way too, such as coding, 3D modelling or digital drawing. If you go on youtube, netflix, twitch ect. with no intention or plan, you're basically handing yourself over to that completely. You're not in control. You'll let those websites drive you to relieve your stress, make you happy ect. Because it's so stimulating (Digital entertainment), there won't be much else irl that can do the same. You'll begin to rely on it to make you feel something. You should be the one in control. Happiness comes from within. It comes from the actions we initiate. A reason it's so stimulating imo is because we give up control to it, procrastination becomes an addiction. But a clearer interpreation of that would be Dissociation. In general, we should be using technology more mindfully and with clear intention. I was bored earlier, so I came here with the intention to write something (Because I felt like it). Nobody is 100% productive all the time. Personally I still watch youtube sometimes with no intention. The key for me being that I go there intentionally with a plan to pick something from my subscriptions to watch. Having more self control these past few months, i've noticed I actually can stick to just a few videos, so I don't binge unless I intend to. And even then, i'd know what kind of videos i'm going to binge. I've split all my youtube content over two accounts I have. One is for all the 'mindless' stuff, the other is for serious stuff. The 'serious' stuff I have is related to my hobbies (learning stuff, which is still enjoyable). Most times when I go to Youtube, I know exactly what / who i'm looking up. I don't usually let it direct me somewhere. As for the 'mindless' entertainment account - majority of its content is about my other big interest (Politics). I'm not subscribed to any gaming channels or content and always click 'not interested' when any of it comes up (I rarely see that stuff now). Be aware also, if you have twitch or other gaming stuff in your internet history, favourites ect. you're more likely to be given gaming ads elsewhere. If you decide not to watch twitch anymore, I recommend clearing out your history, likes, playlists ect. from gaming. Hopefully i've given you some insight :)
  15. @Kendall"PurpleBot"Stauffer That's a very thoughtful realisation / insight into yourself. You're definitely not alone in wanting to be able to game again with others in a meaningful way. It's also a reason I don't think i'll quit forever, since I have friends and siblings who play very casually from time to time. I've seen some success stories from people who detoxed that were able to play multiplayer games again with their friends in a way that was more meaningful, for social and reacreational purposes ect. If you're not already apart of it, I recommend joining the Discord Server too. Theres usually deep, ongoing discussions about this sort of thing (With all different view points and opinions aswell). Best of luck on your journey to 90!
  16. Day 15 Today's Progress @BooksandTrees, I've just been learning about a range of different stuff, I don't tend to stay with just one topic. Been so busy learning, I don't have time to update the journal daily. I'm just very involved in learning I think i've been doing really well. No cravings at all anymore and I stopped counting the days (Just come back here to see again lol). Also got my birthday coming up soon :)
  17. Day 10 Today's Progress Happily still here going strong. I've made great personal progress, but I can still be doing better. I still have basic things to work on. I don't have any urges to game as i've found many other better and more exciting things to do.
  18. Day 5 Today's Progress Slowing down my pace. Maybe i've been drinking a lot cause i'm unsure of my future. Having control and freedom is hard too - huge responsibility on your own part to take yourself forward. For now i'll focus on basic chores and help around the house (Make a habit from it). Additionally, I want to go the extra mile and do things around here nobody has time to worry or think about (Organise things).
  19. Day 3 Today's Progress A lot of my past 'baggage' is coming up. I'm missing my ex a lot. I realise I want to have more friends around me now. I cut off my friends in mid 2017. That's the last time i've hungout with anyone. I don't see any possibility of how to make friends while i'm going to be studying online at home again. I have a lot of anxiety to deal with tied to my disorder. But i'm definitely getting better through the years. I want to build better relations with my family and learn through those relations. My sibling's friend said its cool i'm talking more to them. Though I feel weird being friends with my siblings friends - We're close in age and a lot of them know me through someone else. It sucks for me when they've heard of me, because i'm nothing like that anymore. Any new situation involving a story of past me is annoying because I have explain my life to ppl I just met. Also the added stress of knowing they've already judged me. Wish I was more willing to branch out - but strangers I meet on the street (doesn't matter their age!) know you through someone else. I mainly regret doing drugs for this very reason. I feel like i'm being held as a social hostage. Maybe one day i'll just stop caring about it all. It's mainly just a pain in the arse having to explain.
  20. Day 2 Today's Progress Haven't been pursuing my goals as much as i'd like to. But i've taken it upon myself to take a step everyday to help me get into a school course. I definitely would've relapsed today. However, the games left on my computer are excrutiatingly boring and the lounge has been taken all day by family (I still have a console there). I would've played games on my steam account, but my sibling still has the password with them. They won't give me the password until I pass 90 days and ask for it back myself. I've had a drive to find things eccentric skills i'm interested in and general skills I want to build upon. I realise I want to learn about and be skilled at many things. There's only a handful of things i'd like to keep pursuing to higher levels, but for the most part i'd like to know everything on a basic level. When I get the funds, I really want to take coin collecting seriously. I made a trade with my sibling a year ago for their coin collection they got from a (separated) parent. I have well over 100 doubles i'm wanting to trade for my collection. So far I only need the funds to send these out by postage. It's a pity that I don't want to look at coins because i'm really keen to start this already, but lack the funds.
  21. Day 1 Today's Progress Back on stopgaming. Made it one day. I'm considering that I might have a drinking problem now. This morning/maybe last night, I was contemplating how to get more (Even tho I have no money and I need to drop out of my course, stop payments ect.). Basically I get paid by the government to study and that's how I pay for school fees. I managed to jump out of bed. I'm keen to try this new reward system I planned/brainstormed in my head. I heard a bit of the advice elsewhere, but you basically reward yourself when you do something towards your goals and the reward is related to the goal. I haven't been rewarding myself. I slept at 1am or so, set alarm for 10am. I jumped out of bed at 6am, but when back cause 'it's not healthy' to have only 5 hours of sleep. Then I woke up at 7 and jumped out again and the same thought came up, so I slept again. Today I went to the school to drop out (Since they haven't replied by email). They told me I owe nothing and I got to keep my money. Instead I blew it on alcohol after telling myself I was going to quit because I had no money. On a positive note, i'm taking steps to find a new course. I've gotten creative since my city is small and has little to offer. Ended up finding lots of different online courses in my country. I just feel like shite cause of my family honestly. People are working and one is at uni. I get that. But there's a huge lack of understanding that nobody can accept I have trauma that stops me from going to school easily and normally. At least i'm happy with myself for trying still.
  22. @BooksandTrees Thankyou so much for your support. I honestly do struggle w porn aswell (although it's not common to hear w women, it's still a struggle nonetheless). Been a bit of a side goal for me personally to abstain from it. It's very much worth it in the longrun to abstain from porn and gaming. Builds us to be better ppl and channel that energy into much better things. Self discipline is an ongoing game. I truly do feel a much stronger pull towards my goals. It's more meaningful than games could ever be. As long as I challenge myself, i'll be happy :)
  23. Day 18 (RELAPSE!) Today's Progress I've been drinking and this is how I relapsed. I played for an hour before being too bored to continue. Prior to playing, I was so restless to find something physical to do. Even if it was just playing with marbles on the ground (I threw them out a while ago lol). I didn't want to game cause I knew it was boring. It was more of an attempt to really find something to do and cure the restlessness. Before gaming I drew 2 sketches (I like drawing when i'm drunk. It's a lot better that way, because I don't care about perfection and don't take forever drawing). Again I relapsed to a game I didn't want to play. I've had cravings for specific games and haven't played them yet. I feel like everytime I watch my sibling play a game, I end up relapsing. But I don't remember the last times. I know i'll get back to gamefree tomorrow. The streak doesn't really matter to me. I'm happy that i'm able to get back to stopgaming within the same hour of stopping after a relapse! The first few times, I would let myself binge for a few weeks. I've got some new tactics to put in place to stop the gaming (Place it all on a USB). Along with that, i'd like to just instead watch gameplay to remind myself of the reality of how boring it is. I've never been addicted to watching twitch or gameplays and have always found them insanely boring. I did watch competitive time to time, purely to improve my gameplay (I quit multiplayer for good years ago) and also when I had bets on it. I've got very strong reasons never to go back to multiplayer. I've also never kept up with gaming news, i've always thought of it as really dry and not intellectual enough for me.
  24. Day 16 Today's Progress Last night I had a nightmare that made me realise unresolved feelings about my past. I think it's time I brought it up with my psychologist. I felt like gaming when I woke up because of it. Instead I just slept again (15 hours tho which sucks). I feel depressed today. I'm gonna keep going despite all the stuff going on inside and outside. My family keep talking about how useless I am because I dropped out and can't communicate or do teamwork easily like them. I dislike that they've never been supportive and instead just makes me feel bad till I do something good (Guilt tripping). Sometimes i'm too afraid to do things because of them judging me. I want to cook something - they'll get mad, tell me to go to school so I can buy my own ingredients. I want to exercise in my room but I don't want to be noisy and draw attention to myself because i'm sick of getting yelled at. At least i'm not blocking out these feelings
  25. Hey there, these are my questions to you: Why did you feel the need to ask a community of game addicts, if you were addicted? Usually people will not ask unless it's bothering them. What do you get out of gaming that's different from any other hobby? Sure, you could be playing chess instead and be 'addicted' to it. But I don't know of anyone with just one hobby. Do you meet the criteria for addiction in general? Is it stopping you in any one area of your life eg. Health, Relationships, Career. There's a lot of excuses to be made here, such as your personal health could be suffering but you justify it by saying at least your career is great. There's got to be good balance between them all. It's not worth saying one area can suffer just because another area is amazing. A bit of a more personal question, Do your kids game and do you spend time with them having fun without gaming? If you could imagine yourself stopping for 3 months, what are the positive changes that could happen? That to me is enough to say that gaming is causing a dopamine inbalance. Gaming ticks all the boxes cause it's very stimulating. Most people who do the detox are able to enjoy simpler activities again. Though only some have that as a main reason to stop (There's many different individual reasons to stop). Everyone has different reasons for stopping, some are powerful enough to make them want to quit forever. I was also a bit frugal with gaming. My laptop is from 2012 also, I can't run majority of the newest games and I don't keep up with that stuff anyway. I also waited for price drops. Being young still (20 this year), I use to load up $50 on steam and set myself of a limit of only buying games that're $5 or less. That way I could have lots of games and variety. I didn't buy loot boxes or any of this shiet either. Mainly cause I quit all multiplayer games in 2014. Though singleplayer can be just as addictive. Edited: Everything abt my sibling, cause they're not addicted and it was a misleading example to use.
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