Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

NEW VIDEO: 8 Ways to Deal With Stress Without Gaming

Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
 Share

Recommended Posts

I agree. I hate myself so much and have so much anger from years of abuse and neglect that I don't know how to let go of it no matter what I try. I get stressed out by the idea of reading sometimes and it makes me not really focus on what the book is saying. 

I just can't tell if quitting my job or asking for a break to mentally heal is the right thing for me. 

If I'm being honest:

I need to get away from society for a bit and retreat. I absolutely hate myself for some reason. I use anger and revenge as the main source of my drive in life. I get lots done with it, but I suffer longterm.

I'm frustrated with myself so much that when I see people messing things up that I either mess up or yelled at myself enough to never mess up, I explode on people for messing up because I yell at myself so much. 

I hate my life, but I want to live. I don't want to end my life or anything. I'm so sad about being angry. I can't be around my mom anymore because she clearly loves me, but is far from perfect and I scream at her as much as possible. Then i feel bad because i yell at her and she doesn't deserve it. I hate being angry. It makes me cry all night. I'm so tired and it makes me so unfocused and depressed at work. Then I get mad at work. 

I need help and I can't afford to go to a mental wellness retreat and I don't want to go to a hospital. I just want to be alone or away from people. I have no idea what to do. 

Thanks for replying. 

Matt

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Being away from work might take my mind off of deadlines and thoughts I have where I think all my bosses hate me for not getting something done quickly. Even though those aren't real and they like me. I just think they all hate me as much as I hate myself. 

Getting away from my home can help me stop thinking about life at home. I feel like I'm abusing my mom with my behavior and I don't like it. I just can't stand being around her even though I love her. It's confusing. I view her as weak and never fixing her issues and it makes me think of her instead of solving my issues. I came home as a cry for help from my mom because I was suffering, but she's not even tried to address her own abuse issues and clearly cannot handle helping me. She told me she'd rather have me yell at her than others. I'm not going to do that. She'd have my dad do that. She opens herself up to abusive situations and that is not correct because it trains me to treat her badly. How does that help me? She is sick. 

I feel like a monster. 

For learning to love myself, I have no idea. My therapist recommended a 10 day program where I go to the hospital from 8 am to 3 PM each day and receive individual and group treatment. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It really depends on the person. You might be able to progress within your existing environment or you might need a total break.

I personally think that taking a break from everything only looks ideal in our heads. If you're alone you will have no mom to talk to, to be hugged by if you need a hug. 

It might be confusing yeah, but I'd take your therapist's word and do the program for ten days. Use the afternoon and evening to process what happens 8am-3pm. Intense mental workshop style, I guess. Don't go at it alone, you're not a friend to yourself yet, my 2 cents.

Your mother isn't training you to treat her badly, she's just tolerating your anger issues cause she loves you. And as far as those ideas you have that people hate you are concerned, do some cognitive distortions worksheets to realign your thoughts with reality. You need to put in the work, nobody else can fix these thinking patterns but yourself.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had an emergency therapy session tonight and finally came to a conclusion about why I don't like my mom. I constantly was and felt abandoned by her since I was 2 years old. 

There's tons of instances where she would leave me alone for most of my teenage years and early 20s to see her family, work late, or see her boyfriend. She'd leave me home alone with my dad, who would abuse me, from the age of 10 to 18. She would always pick me up late from after school programs by over an hour or someone else would pick me up. It hurt my feelings because the kids would get hugs and hold their parents hands and I had no idea who was getting me and never got the hug. 

I used to run away from home at 4 so she'd chase after me because if I didn't do that we wouldn't talk for a while. 

I see her now and want her help, but she can't help. She has so many issues that I end up helping her instead of helping me. It makes me so angry. I just want love. That's it. I'm so lonely. 

I've only had one person be super happy to see me and love me and that's my aunt. 

It's the neglect from her, the abuse from my dad and grandparents, and bullying in school and moving away each summer preventing me from seeing friends after school that has made me isolated, depressed, sad, lonely, and feeling like nobody wants me or loves me. It makes me beat myself up and get angry at myself and others. 

I constantly seek other people's approval because I just want some love, acceptance, and attention from people.

I'll consider the program. We talked about it tonight. I just need to leave my home to heal my relationship. It's stressful because I can afford to buy a home and hate renting. But I still don't know about my career so buying is stupid. I want to be social, but I hate loud roommates. 

It feels like purgatory. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It feels like purgatory. 

You decide what is real and what is not. Is it purgatory or is it the stage in between life and death? Death being your previous life, addicted to games and emotionally messy, life being your new potential self, balanced, happy.

I fully agree with what @fawn_xoxo says. Every ounce of your energy should be directed towards yourself right now. Don't think of career, relationships, dating, whatever. You require and deserve love from yourself. You need to help yourself out, communicate with yourself. Heck, I used to talk to a mirror sometimes! The ends justify the means. You seems to have a bit of money stashed away. You feel like you need a break from work, your mom, the world? Then do it. Don't do it impulsively, think it through. But if that's actually what you crave, a break so to speak, go for it man. You deserve to find some peace of mind. Read self-help books, meditate, maybe get a different therapist if need me, a mental wellbeing workshop, anything at all.

I start big stuff like this with a brainstorm with myself. I clear out a hour or 6 and as if it was a work project or helping out a true friend who's in dire need, I go to town like I'm Robin Williams at an improv gig. Figure out a million different ways you'd like to change your life for the better, make a huge list. Then perhaps purify it by selecting stuff that's easy to achieve, short-term stuff or stuff that's super important. That would give you a proper start in just a few hours of effort. 

Or don't. Don't listen to me, listen to yourself, that's the whole point. You're a great dude. The next love of your life is around the corner. You need only look into a mirror.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I talked to my mom about the issues I have and it was met with extreme defense and we didn't get anywhere.  I don't like being angry.  I understand most of the decisions she had to make and issues I listed were because my dad was not only abusing me, but abusing her worse.  It was easier to stay away and safer to make certain decisions.  We took a few days away from really talking to each other until yesterday where we had a few great conversations about what I need from her as a mother, what steps would help, and what I can't be surrounded with anymore.  Even if I move out of here soon, I have faith we will restore a frustrated, but unbroken relationship.  But we're both under the belief that it takes two to change now - success.

@fawn_xoxo I'm trying to read the Six Pillars of Self Esteem and I am having a difficult time.  There's so much in my life that I'm frustrated with, which I previously posted, that sitting down and clearing my mind or just focusing on reading is impossible.  That's honestly why I never read the three books you suggested and I bought.  Sometimes I love reading books and can hammer out a book I'm engaged with, but even those books I get stressed out by.  There are some books that I love to read and it takes me months because I get angry at the idea of reading.  I think I just get very restless and frustrated.  I'm wondering if it's because I don't spend enough of my spare time doing something productive or interesting for myself that when I go to read (learning) I just can't focus because I have too much pent up frustration.  This leads to me watching porn or something.  

I get so angry by this.  If I take time to relax and be away from things all I want to do is sleep and rest my mind.  I spend most of my time thinking of new ideas and going overboard.  This leads into the daydreaming fixations I have.  I come up with videos I want to make online, story lines for my cartoon, workout routines, then easier to attain things such as just watching porn.  I honestly read the Introduction 10 pages about why he wrote the book and died.  I daydreamed every page.  I finally got to the beginning of the book and couldn't retain a thing.  I read the first 5 pages of the actual book and probably didn't retain a word.  It's annoying because I want to read it and learn, but I get these stupid little depression headaches.  You know the pain in your head during depression where they're sensory pains, not real headaches?  My eyes water and I just want to eat chocolate and watch porn and then sleep.  

My house is too cold.  I hate wearing layers of clothing.  I get so annoyed wearing a shirt under a shirt, under a light sweatshirt, under a jacket in general.  It angers me when people in my part of the country just sit there stating how much they enjoy wearing layers of clothing.  I just sit there and think of how much of an asshole they are because I just want to wear shorts and a T-Shirt.  But this is an example of how I hate other people for problems I have with myself or my environment.  I saw my old roommates playing video games all day when I was trying to fix myself of playing video games and gaming addiction.  So I just started to hate everything about them and ruined that living situation.  I do the same thing to my mom.  It's a toxic behavior that I recognize and am trying to fix.  That's why I'm hoping these books, therapy, group therapy online here, and my own recognition of these behavior patterns can help me change.  The only issue is when I can't focus on reading, I'm fucking cold, I'm tired, I'm irritable....It all feels like a shitty distraction.  Then I get angry that I didn't spend my weekend properly having fun or properly making my life better.  Once again it's a weekend where I didn't read these books, didn't take a writing class, didn't write, didn't take my adobe suite classes, didn't exercise.  

I'm ignoring my own advice though.  I tell myself the HALT thing sometimes, but haven't in a while.  I've averaged 5-6 hours of sleep the past 2 weeks instead of the 8-9 where I'm happy.  I gotta get back to this.  I sometimes forget these things because I don't have them written down.  Something that has helped me with the coworker situation is I wrote in my phone notes "You don't like her.  She is the same girl you once wanted to date 2 years ago, but just uses you for attention".  This has helped.  I think I need to do the same thing with issues. 

I wanted to make a better acronym than HALT.  I feel like hunger, thirst, anger, loneliness, tiredness, but also environmental aspects are to be included.  Like right now I'm fucking cold and it's the warmest day of the year so far.  Or how being in my room all day on a weekend makes me feel trapped and angry.

I've got it!

HALTED: Hunger, anger, loneliness, tired, environment, dehydration

Nobody else has to use this I guess, but I think it works for me.  Now I want to write this in my phone so I can refer to it if I'm in a bad mood or noticing anxiety building.  I'm going to call it mood workshop and go from there.

I apologize to the people reading this and seeing me ramble.  I actually wrote down exactly what I was thinking this entire post.  If that annoys people, I apologize, but it's a journal entry and I accept it and forgive myself.  I wanted to ramble and get this frustration out of my head.  Maybe I can find a warmer place to read.

One of my goals is to stop yelling at myself when I "waste time".  I got angry because I am not actively fixing my life.  Then when I am not actively fixing my life, I should be doing these great hobbies to get people to remember me or something.  This makes me think of a big reason I quit gaming in the first place.  My fear of death and leading a boring life.  Playing the same video games all day and night, then working 5 days per week and repeating was stupid.  I miss them, sure, but I would rather be seeing the world, meeting people, socializing, changing my scenery, and diversifying my life.  

Give myself a break and just breathe and relax.  Being at a 10 out of 10 stress level all day doesn't help.

Edited by BooksandTrees
Link to comment
Share on other sites

After having a melt down I finally relaxed.  I went out and bought a half dozen donuts and just listened to music.  I then had a series of conversations with my mom about the anxiety I face at home with the desire to be productive.  I explained how playing video games for decades lead me to regretting not doing fun things with people and learning new hobbies.  Now I want to do all of them at once.  This includes learning from the beginning (the most frustrating stage of any hobby with the most failure) as well as overwhelming myself.  If something doesn't go my way I freak out because it's a waste of time in my mind.

Now the strategy is to continue what was going well for me.  I need to get a better attitude about work.  If I decide to approach work with a better attitude and legitimately give it my best and I still don't like the career, then I'll have my answer about choosing a new career.  Right now I just kind of linger and do things when they're due and don't have a positive mentality about it at all.  If bad thoughts come to my mind, I want to practice meditation or better mind and mood techniques to say "this is out of my control, I'd like to focus on my work so i can just finish it.  Don't derail the day, etc." or just think of nothing so I'm not clouded with stressful thinking.

She also told me something I always tend to overlook, which is I hate having options.  The story she mentioned was that we were going to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.  Then she suggested hamburgers and I freaked out because I already had my mind set on peanut butter and jelly and now it's going to take all of this effort to change my mind and expectations.  This is something I struggle with.  It's just an example, but picture that struggle I had and replace dinner with hobbies.  I freeze and freak out at all the hobby options.  I'm brilliant when I sit down and work on a solitary item, but I freak out when I have to switch tasks.  I really dislike multitasking.  I think that's why I loved Overwatch and NHL so much for video games as well as RuneScape.  They were so repetitive and didn't require much change.  I felt comfortable.  All of this change I'm going through leaves me on edge all of the time.

I'm going back to the 8 hours of sleep each night, getting to work earlier so I can leave earlier, and not going out to lunch as much.  I'm also going to see friends after work when I can, or go rock climbing or do yoga instead of the gym.  I really dislike the gym and I can't fake it any longer.  I love how I feel after workout out, but god damn it sucks.

The last thing I want to try is just learning how to relax my mind at home.  I feel that I don't accomplish anything during the day, so I put tremendous pressure on myself to work hard at home.  I don't have fun and then I stress out and get angry.  I then do this 5 days in a row and say I'll work hard on the weekend.  The weekend comes and I end up "wasting" the weekend and getting very angry.  This process needs to end or I'm going to get worse.  it's about developing a better attitude about being a failure, accepting that I'm not a failure, and i'm not constantly wasting time.  I've worked so hard to build better habits, quit gaming, quit social media, try quitting porn.  I've done so much already.  These should be encouraging me to continue to better my mentality, my mood, etc.

I'm going to try these and then keep a little decree in my phone for when I'm freaking out.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@BooksandTrees hey, you write long posts! It's interesting and sad to read them. 

About your mom, mend what you can, make it work so you both aren't strangers and can communicate as adults and move on. There's something you won't be able to change in her and no amount of talking will fix that. If your home makes you anxious, try to spend a night somewhere else and see if your anxiety changes. Have you tried it already?

And you definitely have black and white bias, I don't remember how it's called exactly, but you tend to see the world only as black or white without anything in between.

Do you make to-do lists for each day? How do you do that? What approach do you use? Do you have some kind of schedule, a plan for the day? If you do, is there some time you set aside for yourself? Just to have fun, go out, listen to music, write, be active? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Vera said:

@BooksandTrees hey, you write long posts! It's interesting and sad to read them. 

About your mom, mend what you can, make it work so you both aren't strangers and can communicate as adults and move on. There's something you won't be able to change in her and no amount of talking will fix that. If your home makes you anxious, try to spend a night somewhere else and see if your anxiety changes. Have you tried it already?

And you definitely have black and white bias, I don't remember how it's called exactly, but you tend to see the world only as black or white without anything in between.

Do you make to-do lists for each day? How do you do that? What approach do you use? Do you have some kind of schedule, a plan for the day? If you do, is there some time you set aside for yourself? Just to have fun, go out, listen to music, write, be active? 

So I keep getting told that I have very black and white thinking processes and got annoyed because I don't really know what it is truly.  I'm not annoyed at you, I'm annoyed that literally everyone I speak to regarding my issues says the same thing.

I went online and typed "people keep saying I think either black or white" and the results all came up with individual stories of people overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Dozens of articles.  So I read about a dozen and had extreme commonalities with the authors and contributors of these articles.  This got me thinking about taking the general online tests about BPD.

I scored almost a 100% on every single BPD quiz.  The results all say these are general quizzes and to discuss with an actual professional.  I think I might bring this to my therapist.  I had another therapist say I only think in black and white, but never had them suggest BPD.  I'm wondering what the solution is to overcoming these thoughts.  After reading these stories I relate to them all.  If I speak to someone and they mention one thing that I deem to be stupid, I disregard them as a person and really start to hate them and can't stop fixating on it.  I do the same thing to myself if I mess up.  This kind of explains why I get so obsessed with someone when they are nice to me and then so hateful towards them when they let me down.  I'll say how much I hate them and look for all the things I hate and make up arguments and stuff.  Then I'll beat myself up for being so pathetic in trusting them and hate myself for it.

This also makes me wonder if this is why EVERYONE starts to let me down.  They do one thing I dislike and if they do another one I start to "see through their facade" and come to the conclusion that they're just a piece of shit.  When really they just have a different viewpoint than myself and it shouldn't take away from what they've done for me in my life.  This is why it is so easy for me to just ignore people and cut them out of my life.  I'm not sure if I do this because I gave my father so many chances to be a father to me and he'd continuously let me down.  It's my best thought at the moment.  After that 20 year ordeal if anyone does anything remotely stupid or says something I deem to be unintelligent I will completely lose all respect for them and never speak to them again.

This sucks.  But thanks for that @Vera.  I might have a new avenue to pursue some answers.  I posted one of my results below and a link to BPD below that if anyone is curious.

image.thumb.png.3b7d2f358c2fa9d5367c26c5a67676e4.png

Borderline Personality Disorder Synopsis

Edited by BooksandTrees
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

30 minutes ago, Silverlining said:

I'm so sorry to know that you might have BPD. On the other hand, I'm glad that you have the courage to analyze yourself and to face your problems.

GOOD LUCK!

Thank you. I'll keep people updated after my therapy session. There's some great content online with people sharing their experiences and it feels like they're talking about me since it's so relatable. I've wondered if I was bipolar for years now, but people with bipolar disorders have longer manic episodes. Mine last a few hours and then I crash. I literally have 7 to 9 out of 9 of the indicators on a daily basis and it's so painful and exhausting with the depression headaches. 

They say people can develop BPD from childhood abuse and neglect. I've mentioned this in multiple posts. There are also impulsive and have addictive behaviors (porn, binge eating, sex, drugs, etc.). So even if I'm not diagnosed, I think similar treatment could work since it's so similar. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Or you might just be in a loop of cognitive distortions, one of which is black and white thinking. 

https://psych2go.net/cognitive-distortions-how-to-challenge-it/

That's true. I think most of mine is just biting the bullet and going for my dreams and trying to live life the way I want. 

I just don't think I can do it at home. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@BooksandTrees Hey Matt, I recently joined the forum again and have only had a chance to read through some of your most recent posts, but I think a change in your environment would be beneficial to you. I say this because like you, I have also lived with my mother who has caused me a lot of pain and I still struggle with a lot of emotions from the past which hinder my ability to focus on me. I think our environment plays a large role in our thoughts and behaviors,  think of yourself as a flower for example if you are planted in a soil which is full of weeds and not conductive to your growth, you will find it a lot more difficult to grow than if you removed yourself to an environment in which you feel safe and secure. Often times new experiences are about learning and growing so even if you didn't like it you could change something. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. I think I'm just driving myself insane. I don't think I have a lot of these disorders. I'm still going to talk to my therapist about them though. 

I'm going to be stuck until I just make the decision. I can't move out of my house into an apartment or buy a home if I quit my job. I have to buy or rent first. Buying a house without a job is suicide financially. 

There's just so much I want to do and I have such little time to do it so I constantly feel the pressure to perform and act on it to make change. Even if I like the activity, I feel hyper focused on doing it well. Most of the things I do in life I'm just doing to make extra money so I can leave my industry one day. 

My mom said she'd understand if I stayed home and has been a lot better. We haven't fought in over a week. 

I really need to just make a decision about this all because I get frustrated at work if I think about it. If I just think of work I do fine and can go home and do what I want. If I could just keep a clear mind and positive attitude I could finish my work faster, go home, live life more instead of freezing and watching porn after stressing out, and learn if I like these activities instead of just quitting blindly and leaving behind a high paying job for something I don't know about. 

I'm sorry for annoying you all with my issues. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I've reached a major breaking point in the past couple weeks.  This was made worse by watching the new 'Joker' trailer, which looks amazing.  The reason it made it worse was seeing how similar to Arthur I am.  I felt so bad for him and I just ended up feeling bad for myself.  I think it's amazing how alone and sad I am.  People like my entertainment factor and gravitate towards me at events, but outside of events I am alone.  Outside of work I am alone.  I don't even know why I am posting on here either.

I have come to the conclusion that I don't even want to get my engineering license this fall.  I'm so detached from my career.  My commute is terrible, but even at my apartment 5 minutes from my office I was miserable.  I listened to a podcast about a woman creating cartoons and how much she loved cartoons and I began to cry at my office and had to leave.  In my spare time I just sit and cry because it's the only time I have to myself to exhale after the long week.  I want to be productive, but I need time to decompress.  This lifestyle is taking my heart from me.

Last Monday I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote the first chapter of a new book that came to me in a dream.  I wrote for hours and went to work with little sleep, but I was happier than I had been in months.  I enjoyed every second of the writing and then felt wonderful afterwards.  It's the feeling I searched for with porn.  I'd watch porn and enjoy it, only to feel dead inside immediately after.  I then went to work and was miserable.  

I hate how my friends rarely reach out to me to talk about things.  They respond when i need help or advice, but I'm never called upon to talk.  I'm lonely.

I'm 24 weeks free of video games and happy about that.

I'm still watching porn, but the desire is going away.  I watch less than 3 times per week and the urges are subsiding.  I feel like a breakthrough is happening there.

My soul needs healing in a very bad way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, @BooksandTrees! Long time no see! 

I am so sorry to hear about your loneliness and I understand that. But sometimes you just trick yourself into thinking you are only and lock up yourself in this cage of loneliness. People around you, here and there.

I am not sure how your work exactly works, but you really shouldn't push yourself too hard. If the crying becomes the only way to release stress...it may be the time you changed something. Like if your have a list of assignments and have a task for each day, it can be more sensible to do only what you are asked. Without slowly killing yourself! After all, if you are planning to keep the job along with dedicating time and attention to your book or animation you need to set priorities. Your negative idea of yourself stems from neglecting your physical condition. HALTED-thing, remember?

8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I hate how my friends rarely reach out to me to talk about things.  They respond when i need help or advice, but I'm never called upon to talk.  I'm lonely.

Maybe you should try to reach out to them yourself first. They are your friends, they do care about you, but they don't know how to show it. Just let them know that you would enjoy these little talks and you would be glad to talk to them more often. People are not uncaring, they just don't know what sort of support you need unless you tell them

Please, take care of yourself, you are very resourceful and self-aware, you just need time and rest and a good course of action.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Catherine17 said:

Hi, @BooksandTrees! Long time no see! 

I am so sorry to hear about your loneliness and I understand that. But sometimes you just trick yourself into thinking you are only and lock up yourself in this cage of loneliness. People around you, here and there.

I am not sure how your work exactly works, but you really shouldn't push yourself too hard. If the crying becomes the only way to release stress...it may be the time you changed something. Like if your have a list of assignments and have a task for each day, it can be more sensible to do only what you are asked. Without slowly killing yourself! After all, if you are planning to keep the job along with dedicating time and attention to your book or animation you need to set priorities. Your negative idea of yourself stems from neglecting your physical condition. HALTED-thing, remember?

Maybe you should try to reach out to them yourself first. They are your friends, they do care about you, but they don't know how to show it. Just let them know that you would enjoy these little talks and you would be glad to talk to them more often. People are not uncaring, they just don't know what sort of support you need unless you tell them

Please, take care of yourself, you are very resourceful and self-aware, you just need time and rest and a good course of action.

Hi

I am just a little tired of the same process.  I get depressed and think I'm lonely.  I then reach out to my friends and they talk to me.  I do this for a few months and they always respond, but rarely initiate.  I then get tired of it and realize I'm the only one putting in effort.  So I can be resourceful and ask them for help and be more social, but at the same time it's just kind of fake and I know I'll never be that close with them - so I just give up I think.  I know they "care" about me, etc.  I hold a spot in their minds, but I don't feel "special" or "thought of".  I want people to think of me and yearn for my inclusion in their lives.  I do not have that unless it's a giant get together.

As for work, I have a backlog of work to produce and complete.  It's just that all of the projects tasked to me are disappointing and boring.  They're tough projects and I usually excel at them, but I'm tired of them as well.  They don't really do anything for me besides pay my bills.  I understand how fortunate I am to make a high salary, but it is empty and not meaningful to me.

I stopped taking stupid projects from people who just pile work onto others and leave the office.  I just tell them no.  I never really had an issue with this, though. What I did stop doing was these presentations, teaching, and other forms of volunteer time.  I assist middle school students twice a week from November until February.  I drive 1 hour there, 1 hour back, and spend 1 hour there.  The kids barely focus, talk the whole time, and don't get much done.  It's a waste for me to be there.  I sit with them, I help them as much as I'm allowed, I teach them easy concepts that I break into a simple form - and they do get it.  They reproduce what I say and show they understand.  I just draw concepts and don't show any equations or crazy math.  It's not overwhelming.  I just don't enjoy it.  I then teach college kids and they only talk to me so they can give me a resume or ask for career advice.  I don't really care about helping them.

The thing that has really crushed me has been the fact that I offered to teach a guest lecture at a prestigious university.  The engineering society I joined was asked by a friend of mine to send someone to teach a lecture.  I like my friend and wanted to help so I offered to teach the lecture.  While preparing the lecture I had a meltdown.  I got angry that I keep wasting my spare time to help people and not help myself.  I spend hours and hours preparing this lecture, which will be the standard hour long lecture.  I've never done a 1 hour presentation before so naturally I am nervous.  But on top of nerves, I'm disappointed that I offered to help, and, while preparing my presentation, I realized how much I dislike my career.  The presentation is about engineering after college and what our responsibilities are.  I got so depressed.

I would much rather create fun content, write, or do create an entertainment studio.  The issue is how scary it is to leave a career where I'm so well liked.  My society loves me, my job is great for people who like engineering, my coworkers are nice, and my pay and benefits are great.  I'm just miserable because I don't love it. I'm competitive so I'll be jealous if people below me now get higher positions than me eventually and brag about it.  I chose engineering because I wanted to be elite.  I wanted to show people that I can do impressive things and be better than them.  I did this because I was angry and slighted most of my life.  I chose engineering to look down upon people who looked down upon me instead of live a life with love and passion.  I am now poisoned by it with depression, anxiety, and empty-heartedness. 

I want to get out of the presentation, but I can't because of how much effort my friend had to put forward.  I need to hit a home-run with it as well because of my pride.  I'll feel better after all of this is over with on April 17th.  I'm just angry that I'm treating things like school again.

Hope you're doing well.  I'll try to be around more.  I'm just lost emotionally and have been doing some deep thinking.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, JustTom said:

I'm a very similar boat, I hate what I'm doing and I don't even want to be in the field anymore. Honestly, if I were you, I'd just quit my job and do something that I'm passionate about for a few months, even if I sucked at doing it. If you have the money to survive. If not, maybe take a part-time job instead. That's the first thing I will do after I finish my master thesis - do something completely different. Maybe travel first. Maybe do music. Maybe go full-on business mode. Whatever I will feel like. 

What's there to lose? Your arbitrary position in a corporation ladder? You don't like doing it anyway so why care. Fuck em. 

Anyways I wanted to reply to you regarding girls a long time ago but then I got into gaming again and didn't visit the forums for a while, so now I forgot what the whole issue was about haha. Oh well, good luck.

Also, watch the movie "American Beauty" if you haven't already. Seriously, you won't regret it. 

Ps. that video hit home pretty hard. I'm just finishing this shitty degree up in a few months so that I fulfill my promise to myself and my dad. After that it's passion-city. 

Thanks man. I think I came home for an easy way out of life as an engineer, but I also really enjoy my friends in engineering and although my mom does nice things for me, she's so lost mentally that she just says some of the most insulting things to me that make me feel so terrible about myself as a person. Then she'll get apologising or making me a dinner randomly or trying to talk to me. Lol.

I don't want to repeat what she's been saying. It's not worth it. Makes me feel like I'm such a burden to her existence. 

My goal is to get an apartment near work. I'm going to be more disciplined in my time there. Back in December when I moved out I was only 6 weeks out of gaming. It was hard to focus on my writing or hobbies or seeing friends. I'm now 24.5 weeks free of gaming and know how I want to budget my time between seeing friends, relaxing, and working on hobbies. I'm ready to live now. 

I'll slowly build a media outlet on YouTube and a website. I'll post funny videos, take online classes, write my books over time write my stories, sculpt, cook, see people, date, vacation, everything. I'm confident in who I am. I love comics, cartoons, hockey, anime, scifi, all kinds of food and music, sculpture, drawing, painting, bowling, pool, socializing, writing, singing, dancing, so much more as well. 

I'm gonna see friends because I'm the leader. I'm the one who organizes things. That's just the way it is. I'm the one who needs to take charge and get a woman I want. I'm gonna relax when I want, read when I want, etc. 

We are amazing people who should not feel trapped. We have options and just need to work for our dreams until we can live them. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I went to the doctors and took a test regarding my digestive system. I was suffering from extreme bloating, gas, pain, cramps, etc. After testing I was diagnosed with a severe case of SIBO. This is small intestine bacterial overgrowth. It causes chronic fatigue, improper absorption of vitamins a, b, and d, severe bloating, poor diet issues, painful digestion, and much more. 

I'm on an antibiotic to kill the excess bacteria. It is caused by genetics, stress, poor diet, and bad luck. I think this contributed to a major amount of my depression and anxiety because I'm afraid of throwing up so I don't go out much. I also just feel so uncomfortable, etc. Hopefully this improves my life. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm 25 weeks free of gaming now.  I've also been thinking a lot about my life and how I've been handling things.  I put way too much pressure and undue stress upon myself. 

The Problem:

I have a presentation at a college this week and I procrastinated and got depressed and stressed out for 4 months.  I panicked over it.  I couldn't bear the fact that I had to do work outside of work on something I didn't want to do.  I grew furious with the fact that I never do things I want and I can never accomplish my goals because there are always so many things in the way.

What Happened?

After months of these thoughts and thinking about how much I hate my daily life and haven't been happy, I finished the presentation in 7 hours of work and spent 3 hours practicing it.  10 hours.  That's it.

I put 4 months of stress, depression, anxiety, and irritability on the forefront of my heart and brain over 10 hours of work.  4 months is 120 days or 2880 hours.  So instead of doing 10 hours of work, I stressed out for basically 2880 hours and tried to change my life to avoid it.

This is a major underlying problem.  Upon examining why I did this, I found that it was multiple factors that proceeded to highlight this issue.  The fact that my commute is 3 hours each day, the arguments at home, the hobbies I've been working on and not working on, the fact that I don't get to see friends as much, the unhappiness in the fact that I don't always hang out with a girl I want to date, or work on something fun, or be happy, etc.  I also took a long vacation with somebody I ended up hating and felt like once again I wasted my vacation to make someone else happy instead of myself along with turning my happiness into sorrow.

At first I thought it was a fear of failure.  What if I look stupid in front of these kids?  My presentation is also about my job.  I was getting very depressed about my job due to commitments with volunteering, 5+ multiple projects, the commute, the feeling of under appreciation, and more.  Spending 10 hours on something I was brutally sick of really put me over the edge.  It took the final push of the presentation actually being due where I could finally work on it.  When I did, I flourished and finished in a reasonable amount of time.

What Does this Mean Moving Forward?

I need to change my attitude completely.  I need to change how quickly I go from happy to sad.  If I have to do something I don't want to do I just freeze and panic and get angry.  I act like a child.  I get excited about doing a good thing and offer to volunteer.  I then get angry at myself for volunteering.  Instead of doing any hobby I want or see any friends I want to see or try dating (we all know I still like that girl at work, let's be real) I just sit there and complain about the fact that I have to do this task and I don't want to do it.  So I sit at home and do nothing.  I read the internet, watch TV, and lounge.  I then start to get irritated and annoyed that I have this looming over me.  I then get scared that I have to do it.  I feel like I'm not smart enough.  

I have goals for myself.  Too many.  I want to create a media studio, YouTube channel, website(s), podcast(s), write books, exercise, date, buy a house, create forms of passive income, see my friends, travel, learn to draw, sculpt, exercise, cook new food, oh and write a full fledged cartoon.

The pressure I put on myself to achieve all of this is insurmountable.  Instead of looking at the list and saying "Oh, I'll work on...these 3 today and see what happens.  They seem like fun."  I just sit there and freak out like a moron.

If anything I've just learned about this project and my years of school and work, it's that I can do anything I set my mind to, it's never as bad as I think it's going to be, and if I just relax and enjoy the process then I'll have fun and take stress off of myself.

The reason I get so angry so fast is because I'm regretting not having fun, I know I'm stressing myself out, I want to enjoy life, and I want to enjoy all the things I listed above that I've put off because I had previously been too afraid and just played video games.  Without the games there's been so much tension regarding doing these hobbies that I've become very irritable and stressed.

My mindset and attitude will be changed now.

Edited by BooksandTrees
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm 26 weeks free of gaming.  It's the official half year mark.  I feel very strong about my progress.  My presentation went well.  I taught for 3 hours and then taught for 3 hours at another university.  I was asked to come back and teach again.  I don't want to do it.

Between teaching and driving to these places and not being able to charge it to work I find myself in a situation where I only worked 32 hours last week. I tried working late after regular hours, but I had commitments I didn't want to throw away or reschedule.  I tried going to work on Saturday, but ended up crying in the parking lot and driving away to see a movie by myself.

I toured some homes I could potentially buy, but I don't want to buy any homes.  I don't want to live alone and be lonely with my grief about my career and lack of time.  It would take more of my time away from me. 

My heart is aching and my eyes are wrapped in sorrow.  I set goals for myself this weekend and got a lot done.  I was able to address all of the hobbies and interests I've been doing and was able to distinguish between realistic and non-realistic goals.  This helped me eliminate a lot of things on my mind.  

I think it's time to give up.  I'm so destroyed by my job.  I don't look forward to the days in front of me and I try to do my hobbies as a source of potential income instead of happiness. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share