Jump to content

NEW VIDEO: Has gaming disorder been cancelled!?

BooksandTrees

Dear Diary...

Recommended Posts

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Creating is the tough thing. I think I want to play the drums because it's aggressive. I have these tendencies to want to lose my mind, smash things, and go on an adrenaline rush. Heavy metal music is a device that has helped me hone that energy into something relatable and tangible. It comforts me. The aggressive yelling and sounds makes me feel like I'm where I belong. It has drawn me to the drums. I recognize the beats every time and I want to smash along with it.

I feel the same. I used to listen to indie rock before I quit gaming. Nowadays my choice is hard rock and I even like rocking to Rammstein and I think not only because I am learning German on Duolingo. The energy shift is obvious.

3 hours ago, James Good said:

Sexual energy is what propels men to greatness. It's what made men move mountains, build skyscrapers, and create incredible works of art. Men without sex drive are generally lacking in testosterone, and testosterone is the life blood of a man. It keeps you motivated, driven, energetic, and always hungry for more. Gaming + porn addicts are severely lacking T.

I was going out quite regularly and I can say that after a week without any regular interaction with women, my drive is quite great. I just want to do something in general. Anything.

3 hours ago, James Good said:

I think you've got two options:

  • Find a woman
  • Create

Considering the first option is unlikely given the current situation, I'd recommend funnelling all of that energy into something epic. It doesn't matter what. Just create something. Art, a business, anything.

In the past few days, I started funneling time into learning trading currencies on Forex and getting myself back on the dating apps/sites. I figured it is one of the few ways to meet new women and if not "meet" in person, then at least to set up for it once the quarantine is lifted and we'll be able to go out again normally.

That written, I remember you stating somewhere you were quite expert at creating good dating profiles. Would you kindly share your secrets in one of your upcoming videos regarding this topic? 😄

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, James Good said:

Da Vinci went days or weeks without creating any art, and then all of a sudden he'd retreat to his studio and create the freaking Mona Lisa.

That was my sister's art personality. My art personality is more of a "cutesy" doodle side except that I have done careful artwork in clean quality, which is nice. If time was constrained, I ended up making sketches upon sketches of random things. Again, my sister is more experienced at doing art stuff than I do, so there.

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

College has made me hate learning.

Well, actually, in my experience, college -in a more community setting than traditional - taught me not only how to be a better but responsible person with disabilities, but also it lets me explore new worlds "in person". I didn't go to the "big bad city" on my own all of my four years learning and I didn't study abroad at all. I went broke, yet bookish at the same time. I was a more local student than anyone would've guessed: me going up north near the border and back again two times with a group.

4 hours ago, James Good said:

I think you've got two options:

  • Find a woman
  • Create

The former option is kinda like more on a flipside (as in gender swap). Note to self: I want to find a man. But how? Mom said something inspirational like you have to pray or something. It's like causing a deep sleep to fall on me in some ways to meet the right one the next day or later. I don't think so, but that was how Mom met Dad. I was still a child at heart and just want relationships with people, especially guys. Mom said a few is plenty because I am autistic and according to the personality type quizzes I already took in both high school and college, most of my results from the past would tell me that I am introverted. What about the latter option? Create. That's an easier choice than expected, but for right now everything is on hold and I have no choice but to just read more, take more notes, watch the news, watch Wheel of Fortune, watch Jeopardy, do Duolingo (I am currently studying Norwegian and Spanish), and mindlessly scroll through social media on the phone to see where my family, friends, and family friends are up to.

Edited by Natalie
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The last couple of pages really confirmed me in my conviction that we need to care about ourselves like 10 times more (speaking for myself). Most addicts slip cause they stop valuing themselves, but everything can be turned around.

The issue is that you’ve got to be merciless to your wants to do that. I mean proper cruel towards your body’s wants that can drive down your self worth. So that even the thoughts to do something so foolish perish.

Discipline and balance and all that will come with your “cruel” nature- it sort of becomes interesting to do things completely unlike you.

Most often I cannot complete my work cause I am going way too fast. I need to sort of be okay doing things at a measured pace.

I hope all of this makes sense.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We could all get on dating apps, message and Skype girls indefinitely. Man dating apps and in person approaching were always really hard for me. I feel like I might just be stuck being single unless I get set up with someone. My only idea for joining a group was anime club. I'm kind of tired of looking for churches too. So . . . if that doesn't net me a girlfriend after a time. I'll probably be on that single forever life or bite the bullet and try to dating app again.

How do you all feel about dating apps anyways?

I hear you have a lot of energy that comes and goes in waves. You want to do something as a hobby and you're self-exploring to figure out what might click for you. Whatever you do remember to try to do a little consistently and it'll add up. But until you find out what you feel like doing it's just a process of trying this and that I know. 

Life's a lot of trying new things. Then you pick some. Then it's kind of boring with the sudden lack of chaos. But then it's nice and consistent. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn't have time to reply to everyone's comments tonight. It was a busy day and night. I'll get to them tomorrow. 

Tonight I can't sleep. I started feeling exhausted around 930 and got ready for bed. Entered bed without looking at my phone. Wide awake now for over 2 hours. 

My lease ends in 3 weeks and I need to move at the height of COVID19 (late April). I could stay here for another month, but rent is increasing by $1000 per month starting April 15th. I gotta take my chances here. There are some very nice openings right now for cheaper rent and utilities included. I'd be stupid not to apply. 

If I can find a nice place for a year then I'll be able to finish my car loan before that lease ends and be able to buy a home with the savings I'll have. Who knows, maybe I'll enjoy the future apartment for over a year and continue saving. It's a shame I can't live here for 1 more year, but I'm eternally grateful for my opportunity to be here after the housing crisis I faced in November. 

I'm just looking for some stability and although I complain about loneliness, I just don't really want a roommate anymore. Being more social and having personal space is what I want. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, Natalie said:

I want to find a man. But how? Mom said something inspirational like you have to pray or something. It's like causing a deep sleep to fall on me in some ways to meet the right one the next day or later. I don't think so, but that was how Mom met Dad. I was still a child at heart and just want relationships with people, especially guys. Mom said a few is plenty because I am autistic and according to the personality type quizzes I already took in both high school and college, most of my results from the past would tell me that I am introverted.

I'm of the opinion that a woman I want to be with needs to be inspirational/have a talent, because I believe I am inspirational/have a talent. It's quite a feat figuring out for myself what do I find inspirational though. Some degree of physical beauty is obvious. Connecting through hobbies is also obvious. But it can be something completely different and leave me stunned for a while. I'm not sure how do you see it as a woman, but I wonder if this is applicable universally.

What I realized about dating is that there is always the right person for me, so the question is whether I am getting into the right places at the right time. It doesn't matter whether I am introverted, addicted, manic or whether I see the same 30 people every week or 300. I think the most important thing is to know what my options are and whether I am happy with them.

12 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

We could all get on dating apps, message and Skype girls indefinitely. Man dating apps and in person approaching were always really hard for me. I feel like I might just be stuck being single unless I get set up with someone. My only idea for joining a group was anime club. I'm kind of tired of looking for churches too. So . . . if that doesn't net me a girlfriend after a time. I'll probably be on that single forever life or bite the bullet and try to dating app again.

How do you all feel about dating apps anyways?

The webinar about social media I saw yesterday, even if it was for the big influencers (with thousands of followers), was interesting and applicable even for "normal people", so I took some notes. I believe dating apps are social media too. I currently operate on a few for a week and I got a few matches, but no conversations. I think I need to re-adjust, so any advice is welcome, at least until this quarantine thing is over, so I can go out normally. I think dating apps are going to become redundant for me after that point, simply because I think the more organic connections created that way are better.

I think of my profile as business cards I throw into a crowd of (single?) women. By that point, I do not worry about it anymore. I tried to make it look as good as I could and I got my profile out there. It beats having nothing at least and if nobody's interested, the chances are it's because my business card is shitty (so I have shitty marketing), rather than being a shitty person.

When creating my first profiles back in 2017, I literally had troubles finding enough photos with my face, let alone some of them that were at least remotely recent. Currently, all of my photos (10) are taken less than a year ago. I think all of them describe what I do/my identity as well, but I suspect they are all too "rational/factual" and don't pack too much "inspirational/emotional/story" punch. I'm more than happy to share them and discuss this via PM, if anyone's interested.

I also think that any dating app is as good as any, as long as you are not running out of people on it, though I agree the demographic will vary. There are specific categories of people, like anime fans, gamers or nature fans. I think there's even a dating app specifically for Christians.

The last thing I heard on the webinar yesterday was the difference between the "hunter" and the "fisher" on social media; I wonder if @James Good is familiar with this. "Hunters" actively contact people and try to initiate the conversation. "Fishers" sit there and have people contact them. The guy with thousands of followers on FB can still send a few requests, but mostly people want to contact him by that point.

Transposing this to dating apps, I think that is the reason why one study showed that 85% of men get hardly any swipes, whereas the 15% get almost all of them. So once a man is desired by women on dating apps, he is desired hard.

Having all this written down, I suppose it's time to get out and try to shoot a few photos of myself 😄

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

How do you all feel about dating apps anyways?

Absolute waste of time for most of us, especially men. The competition on a dating app is so high (the ratio is something like 10 men for every woman and that's not even cutting out the women that, let's be honest, nobody wants to date) that you're unlikely to attract any attention unless you're unreasonably good looking. The majority of people on dating apps look at your first photo and decide whether or not they want to talk to you, they aren't reading your profile to see how talented, insightful, or charming you are. About once a year I fall victim to the pull of online dating and every single time it absolutely shreds my self-esteem despite being a reasonably attractive guy with an education and decent job. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just got very lucky. My landlord and I spoke on the phone and I was offered the opportunity to stay here at the same rental cost for another 2 months to avoid both of our potential exposures to people infected. I'm feeling a great deal of relief now. I had researched about 30 apartments last night when I couldn't sleep and I'm just happy to stay at a manageable rental cost for an additional 2 months and the comfort of not having to move right now.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so grateful for my landlord for rescuing me three times in my life from bad situations. I'd really like to do something special for her when this is all said and done. 

Today was an unproductive day at work and it was because I was trying to get my living situation sorted out and my stress had been at a high even though I was exercising and stuff. So I decided to masturbate after work and instantly relaxed and fell asleep. It was the first time in almost 14 days. I gotta be honest, I think I made the right choice. I'm going to need to moderate this habit, but I think sexual release is so important to an adult once they can control it and not be addicted. That will be my challenge.

I'm down 6 pounds now. My pants are starting to almost fit again. I bought them at 165 lbs and I weigh 176.6. I was about 184.6 earlier this year, but realistically I've been at 182ish. My goal is to be in the 160s again and I haven't been there since 2018. This is all from tracking calories and not exercising constantly. I didn't say dieting either. Just tracking. 

Stay safe. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Today was ok. I started late, but got more sleep than normal. Work was slow because of the amount of people connecting to our servers. I still got some major components completed for my project and feel good about it. 

I'm starting to get some interesting ideas for my 3d modeling software this weekend. I'm not making anything crazy out of it. It's purely going to be out of interest only. I promise myself since I don't think anyone cares lol. But I do. 

I tend to daydream intensely once I get an idea and I flesh it out as far as possible to the point where it is completed and I'm being interviewed for my success by famous people. It's a waste of time and it's keeping me up later at night than when I was watching porn at night. I think these thoughts are poisonous after the initial idea because it ruins productivity, adds expectations, and makes everything too important and unrealistic. My goal is to cut the daydreams short like my dreams at night and just enjoy life more. 

My grandfather was rushed to the hospital tonight with a very high fever and ther doctors think he might be experiencing a virus. They didn't test him for COVID19 and released him after 30 minutes. He's in his upper 80s. I'm worried. Hospitals and healthcare workers are not getting supplies like trump has been bragging about delivering. I won't get into politics since it's a rule of the forums, but I think we all know my stance. 

We need teamwork, kindness, and some miracles over the next few months. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Today I'm 75 weeks free from gaming and 77 weeks free from social media. I caved and watched some porn this week, but nothing compared to what I was doing before. I also practiced masturbation without porn in a healthy way rather than a way to just escape from life. I've found that I'm disgusted by the industry as mentioned previously. I also agree with many users here who have quit porn, but still masturbate. It's important to be sexually healthy even if you don't have a partner. The benefits are important to your body for all kinds of hormones.

I've been considering going grocery shopping next week. I have 2 to 3 weeks of food left and don't think it's wise to wait until you have nothing. I was thinking maybe I go with 1-2 weeks of supplies left and just see what I can find.

My grandfather called me last night and said his fever broke and he's doing better, but he sounded like shit. It's the first time he's personally called me in over 10 years. He thinks people should call him since he's the elder of the family. I don't know, I don't buy into it, but if he's calling me he is either currently scared or was scared of dying. Nothing makes you change 10 year old habits unless they threaten your well-being be it an addictive habit like gaming and porn or just doing something routine that you've taken a stance on.

I plan on working today without charging my hours. Not a full 8 hours but some. I feel like I wasn't productive last week and it annoys me. I complain about others not working and here I am finally unproductive. I had a long stretch of productivity so I'm not comparing myself to people who never work hard, but in life you better walk the walk if you talk the talk. Putting a shoe in your mouth is a career killer.

I haven't done any real hobbies this week. I didn't think it was smart to buy a several hundred dollar electronic drum set when the economy is fluctuating so much due to the virus. I think something like this always leads to a recession of sorts. I spent so much money last year that I won't make that mistake again. I'll try practicing drum techniques for a bit and see if I enjoy it.

On the other hand, maybe this is an example of me repeating prior mistakes. Instead of just animating something I wanted using Blender, I started taking classes online and getting burnt out and angry with the hobby altogether. With writing, I took an online class instead of just writing. I don't write anymore. Could I be doing this with the drums also? Potentially. I'll have to consider it. Maybe you guys have some thoughts. Rock climbing and sports are the only things I've tried doing without practicing first and they're the only things I enjoy.

Learn as I go and create my own path or learn before I go and realize I never liked it anyways? Interesting journeys.

Edited by BooksandTrees
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I caved and watched some porn this week, but nothing compared to what I was doing before. I also practiced masturbation without porn in a healthy way rather than a way to just escape from life. I've found that I'm disgusted by the industry as mentioned previously. I also agree with many users here who have quit porn, but still masturbate. It's important to be sexually healthy even if you don't have a partner. The benefits are important to your body for all kinds of hormones.

Great! I got myself to ejaculate weekly. It also helps that you'll re-adjust to normal-world women around you as porn fades away from your mind.

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

On the other hand, maybe this is an example of me repeating prior mistakes. Instead of just animating something I wanted using Blender, I started taking classes online and getting burnt out and angry with the hobby altogether. With writing, I took an online class instead of just writing. I don't write anymore. Could I be doing this with the drums also? Potentially. I'll have to consider it. Maybe you guys have some thoughts. Rock climbing and sports are the only things I've tried doing without practicing first and they're the only things I enjoy.

I'd say just do it. I don't even know how would I "practice" writing myself. I just write and if somebody doesn't like it, I'm happy my writing caught their attention for a while. At the moment, I probably write on the GQ forums the most.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Great! I got myself to ejaculate weekly. It also helps that you'll re-adjust to normal-world women around you as porn fades away from your mind.

I'd say just do it. I don't even know how would I "practice" writing myself. I just write and if somebody doesn't like it, I'm happy my writing caught their attention for a while. At the moment, I probably write on the GQ forums the most.

I definitely feel attraction towards real women more than porn now. It's nice. 

I might just buy the drums. We will see. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I rebounded tonight. I finished two of the three components I struggled with last week. I am taking tomorrow off and will return Monday in a better mood ready to go. I feel like I can sleep easier tonight. 

I'm going to consult my therapist about buying electronic drums. A beginner set of drums is around 500. I don't want to get real drums because they're fucking loud and I don't want to disturb my neighbors. I watched a video of a guy playing the drums with headphones on and you could barely hear the drums. It was like he was hitting a hardcover book. 

I also thought about passive income methods. I think i want to try making inanimate objects in blender and sell them for $1. People use these for props in games, animations, and stills. It will help me practice, build my own library, and make some cash. 

My second idea is I'm an expert draftsman with civil engineering so I was thinking of making tutorials for cad. I also wanted to make some study tutorials for structural engineering. I'm very good at both as I'm almost licensed and have a master's degree in it with several years of experience. I enjoy teaching and if it can help me bring in a few hundred dollars per year then that's a few weeks of groceries covered.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I also thought about passive income methods

Great idea! On Reddit there's this thing called "A machine that makes money"; all about passive incomes and how to get it started or optimize it. Maybe it could be useful?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Great idea! On Reddit there's this thing called "A machine that makes money"; all about passive incomes and how to get it started or optimize it. Maybe it could be useful?

Perhaps. I think it's a good idea but also wonder if this is me dreaming big again for escapism like before. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

NOTE: THIS ENTRY IS NOT A CONSTRUCTIVE ENTRY THAT I NORMALLY WRITE WITH GOOD FLOW. IT'S JUST A DEVOLVING SERIES OF THOUGHTS STARTING WITH ANGER AND THEN LEADING TO A SOLUTION. I DON'T WANT TO EDIT IT. 

I gotta be honest and just say how fucking angry I am today. I am so frustrated by the fact that I am so passive outside of work. I just want to smash everything around me. This apprehension and fear of trying new things is causing my depression. I get all these ideas and want to try them and then my fear and anxiety about looking stupid and being embarrassed casts a wall around my aspirations.

As you know, or should know, depression is the suppression of emotion. Your mind produces and releases chemicals to deal with this influx of emotion and medicates you to do rest because it is a defense mechanism trying to protect you. So basically, I get extreme spikes of energy, motivation, anger, and just raw emotion and I can't control it. I immediately get tired and want to sleep. I can't fucking handle it. It's not that it's any emotion. It's that I have a carnal explosion of desire to make up for all the things I've missed. I had to sacrifice so much in the past 10 fucking years just to become an engineer and I'm so lonely and hollow because of it. That, combined with severe and multiple addictions, has left me so hollow inside.

I'm a very aggressive person. I need to do things intensely because that's how I enjoy it. When I say intensely, I don't mean 100 mph full speed. I also mean that I am devoting 100% thought to it. This means if I draw I want to put everything into it. When I play sports I am extremely focused and competitive. When I tell jokes it's all harbored emotions. It's not just to talk and get emotions. I need to express myself with extremely accurate impressions, dramatic voices, psychotic body movements, all tied in with a dry overtone so that I'm constantly surprising people.

You know what's the best part of that comedy I mentioned? NOBODY FUCKING SEES IT BECAUSE I DON'T PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND DO ANYTHING.

FUCK

I think I'm funnier than most stand up comedians and I don't prove it at all. I am so afraid of bombing on stage that I don't do it. You can tell from my writing that I have a strong ego. The number one enemy to a strong ego is public humiliation because public perception of me is so god damn important that I am paralyzed by it. I need to express myself with some form of comedy and it NEEDS to be in person.

I'm using this fucking cartoon idea as a wall to hide behind to put my comedy out there, when I'm hilarious in the first place. I keep mentioning how I did 1 stand up routine and I was the best person there out of the 10 performers. I was the only person without experience. I've told jokes in front of hundreds of people before with my engineering talks and I am not getting the fake laughs. I'm just being cowardly.

The thing is that once I get this frustration released I'm happy. Once I go on a rant and make people laugh I don't want to do it for a long time. This is why I don't want to do stand up comedy. I am not a fan of repeating jokes. My dad tells the same fucking stories all of the time and it makes me want to smash him. I hate people who repeat shit. Especially if it's not funny. This makes me think improv comedy might be better. I just don't want to be a part of some improv group where these idiots are so scatterbrained on stage and can't formulate a skit. I'm not saying all improv is like this, but you've all been to a good improv show and you've all been to a bad improv show. The people on stage yelling "OK, OK, OK, SO....WE HAVE UH-UH-UH-A TREE!! A TREE IN THE CORNER AND UH UH UH A TORNADO OVER THERE!!!" and this retard starts swirling like a tornado, while this stupid fucking act is going on about travel agencies. 'WE BRING YOU TO THE SAFEST DESTINATIONS" and this moron is just spinning.

That's not funny. I hate people who laugh at that shit. It's sincerely disappointing to watch and retarded.

I'd much rather find a way to perform either a funny skit similar to Saturday Night Live, Mad TV, or Key and Peele. I'm not as funny as those people. I just enjoy doing that kind of comedy. I want to create a skit and just perform it either alone or with people to prove a point and not repeat it. 

I think there's a staunch difference between musicians and comedians. I enjoy hearing the same song multiple times. I hate hearing the same joke more than once or twice. That's why I don't think memes are funny. It's just lazy.

I need creative help and guidance. I'm probably strongest in one-off stand up comedy performances, well thought out skits that I'd perform once or post online, or a satirical opinion piece absolutely destroying someone, a group of people, or an idea in an online written blog or article.

The next thing is when I want to release stress, but not have to entertain people. More and more the drums have been appetizing my desire to act out and express myself. I fucking love how the drums can be so violent, yet so fragile and delicate at times. I love that juxtaposition. I need to learn it. Yet, I'm not.

I still live in apartments and although I live in a single home right now, in 3 months I'll be in another complex for at least a year most likely. The electronic drum kits are still very loud. Acoustic drums are painfully loud, but the electronic ones are still loud. I would need to buy several hundred dollars worth of equipment for noise dampening.

The other thing is an electronic drum set will cost over $1,000. I already spent like $700 on rock climbing and I can't do that for another 3 months due to the virus. This is disappointing me. All of the hobbies we try outside of video games are so fucking expensive.

But am I being a hypocrite? Gaming desktops cost between $2,000 and $5,000 depending on how much of a neckbeard you are. Gaming consoles cost $400 and each game is $50-$80 not including micro transactions.

Sure, we build the computer and then pay $10 per month on a membership and it seems cheap, but we spent at least $2,000 on a gaming computer in the first place. What's the difference between $500 on a cheap drum set and $300 on noise reduction? Lessons are free on YouTube and I can play whenever.

I'm being an asshole, and I don't want to hear "YOU GOTTA BE EASIER ON YOURSELF" If you're always easy on yourself then you're going to be a sloth unwilling to work hard. Sometimes you gotta work harder to get rid of anxieties and then life becomes easier.

Thoughts to consider:

  • Make simple 2D/3D art, animations, and other elements in Blender because it's fun. Not because you need to make money. Couple times per week. No pressure. Stop tutorials.
  • Exercise more. I need to properly release the right chemicals in my mind without reverting to porn and addictive habits. Exercising for 3 to 5 hours per week can help stabilize this for me. This will include rock climbing, weights, bicycles, machine rowing, tennis, and hockey whenever I want. Also exercising when angry. Also, inviting friends to exercise with me to create social bonds and be less isolated. Isolation is good, but not all the time as we're seeing.
  • Meal prep. Save the exciting food for restaurants so you can socialize and enjoy with friends. Make tasty, well balanced meals at home like I've been doing (I've lost like 6 pounds)
  • Sleep schedule and not watching TV before bed. I gotta get back into reading again. I felt better mentally when I was reading at night. Stop snoozing.
  • Talk on phone a few times per week and then when the quarantine ends try social events like concerts, eating out, game nights, etc.
  • I really want a fun hobby that I can do at home that doesn't involve a computer. I don't like drawing, workshops, anything that sounds like work and I don't like cooking for extravagance. I can think of legos, drums, photography, and making funny videos for right now. I think making a funny skit or video will help deal with comedy hunger and not have to deal with the emotions I faced above.

Also, I hate living in the northeast. Once the weather gets cold I get pissed. I hate being cold. I hate doing winter activities. I don't enjoy skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, cross country skiing, being outside, being inside, bundling up in layers, heavy beds with tons of blankets, shivering, etc.

Life in northeast United States sucks because from January to April the temperatures rarely go above freezing. April to June they're like 40-55 degrees. June to July it's 70. July to September it's 85+ with extreme humidity so you don't enjoy being outside. September to October it's 70. October to December it's 30-45 degrees. December to January it's 30 degrees tops.

So it's either fucking cold or fucking hot. 

Not to mention it's so expensive to live here. Housing, food, gas, and activities cost almost as much as California and Hawaii. I just fucking hate it here. I want to wear shorts and feel warm. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

With some of your things, I can totally relate, with others I want to disagree:

30 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Sometimes you gotta work harder to get rid of anxieties and then life becomes easier.

That is so true man. I mean you should not destroy yourself. But sometimes, we just have to jump to find out that something is not as scary, as we thought it is.

 

31 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I really want a fun hobby that I can do at home that doesn't involve a computer. I don't like drawing, workshops, anything that sounds like work and I don't like cooking for extravagance. I can think of legos, drums, photography, and making funny videos for right now.

I also can relate to that. You just have to keep experimenting. The more you try, the better, maybe eventually, you will find it. I think we also know quite early, when we don't like something. For now, I also skipped drawing and duolingo. It just felt like work. However, working out is something, I like more than anything else. ^^ Keep looking. 🙂

33 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Talk on phone a few times per week and then when the quarantine ends try social events like concerts, eating out, game nights, etc.

I am pondering this thought every day. What to do after that horrific pandemic...

34 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

As you know, or should know, depression is the suppression of emotion. Your mind produces and releases chemicals to deal with this influx of emotion and medicates you to do rest because it is a defense mechanism trying to protect you.

No, I don't know that. The amount of explanations of depression around psychologists is enourmous. You will find evolutionary, biological, social or psychoanalytical explanations. There is no unity regarding that topic and there is a long list of possible factors like psychosocial factors, problems with brain processes, genetics, gender, education, age, alcohol, being single..... It is not that easy.

 

38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Exercise more. I need to properly release the right chemicals in my mind without reverting to porn and addictive habits.

Are you superman? How do you know, which brain chemicals you are releasing? xD

39 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I'm funnier than most stand up comedians and I don't prove it at all.

Sometimes, we don't do things, because we don't like to face reality: Maybe despite thinking that, we are not the funniest person. In our mind, we can still be that. We still have our proofs (like one standup with just 10 other performers) and create this "reality" in our own head. SImilarily, people dream about being writers and having the best book of all time, but never actually write it, because they than have to realize that they are not as gifted a writer and that it is a lot of hard work. I am not saying that you are not the funniest person of all time, but this might hold you back without even knowing it. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@BooksandTrees

I can relate with a lot of points that you have made especially about habits that you want to work on. I would say that I am a pretty relaxed person most of the time but playing video games always caused me a lot of stress, frustration, and aggression. I am very competitive and want to be the best in whatever I do but that is not always possible which leads to frustration. Besides working out I would recommend you trying martial arts. I did MMA and boxing for a while and I do miss it now. Even if all you get is a punching bag at home the relieve stress and tension relief amazing. On top of working out and physically exhausting, I found it mentally relaxing similarly to meditation. Just a clear mind, and one goal ... smash the shit out of that punching bag. I have never done an actual fight but I did a lot of sparing and that was my favorite part. Besides having to focus only on the fight and clear all distractions from my mind there was always that competitive nature to it. Human behavior is still a lot more primal than we would like to think. Many things we do are driven by these primal brain functions and I think martial arts is a great way to hijack their attention instead of addictions that use the same systems. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Alexanderle said:

With some of your things, I can totally relate, with others I want to disagree:

That is so true man. I mean you should not destroy yourself. But sometimes, we just have to jump to find out that something is not as scary, as we thought it is.

 

I also can relate to that. You just have to keep experimenting. The more you try, the better, maybe eventually, you will find it. I think we also know quite early, when we don't like something. For now, I also skipped drawing and duolingo. It just felt like work. However, working out is something, I like more than anything else. ^^ Keep looking. 🙂

I am pondering this thought every day. What to do after that horrific pandemic...

No, I don't know that. The amount of explanations of depression around psychologists is enourmous. You will find evolutionary, biological, social or psychoanalytical explanations. There is no unity regarding that topic and there is a long list of possible factors like psychosocial factors, problems with brain processes, genetics, gender, education, age, alcohol, being single..... It is not that easy.

 

Are you superman? How do you know, which brain chemicals you are releasing? xD

Sometimes, we don't do things, because we don't like to face reality: Maybe despite thinking that, we are not the funniest person. In our mind, we can still be that. We still have our proofs (like one standup with just 10 other performers) and create this "reality" in our own head. SImilarily, people dream about being writers and having the best book of all time, but never actually write it, because they than have to realize that they are not as gifted a writer and that it is a lot of hard work. I am not saying that you are not the funniest person of all time, but this might hold you back without even knowing it. 

Thoughtful post. Thank you. I should have phrased the depression comment in my situation, but I noted that I didn't edit this one properly so I stand by it and agree with you. 

The comedy side I have make everyone laugh all of the time. I really do think I'd be good at it. I just need to find a place to do it or way to do it that's not stand up. I disagree with your analogy when it's used for me, but I agree when used with others. I don't like repeating jokes and I don't like other people do I don't really want to do that. I'd rather do it for me and I'm just unsure how. 

I've read multiple studies explaining the byproducts our mind and body produces once we exercise and its effects relating to depression. 

Thanks for the input and welcome back. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
50 minutes ago, Marek said:

@BooksandTrees

I can relate with a lot of points that you have made especially about habits that you want to work on. I would say that I am a pretty relaxed person most of the time but playing video games always caused me a lot of stress, frustration, and aggression. I am very competitive and want to be the best in whatever I do but that is not always possible which leads to frustration. Besides working out I would recommend you trying martial arts. I did MMA and boxing for a while and I do miss it now. Even if all you get is a punching bag at home the relieve stress and tension relief amazing. On top of working out and physically exhausting, I found it mentally relaxing similarly to meditation. Just a clear mind, and one goal ... smash the shit out of that punching bag. I have never done an actual fight but I did a lot of sparing and that was my favorite part. Besides having to focus only on the fight and clear all distractions from my mind there was always that competitive nature to it. Human behavior is still a lot more primal than we would like to think. Many things we do are driven by these primal brain functions and I think martial arts is a great way to hijack their attention instead of addictions that use the same systems. 

I tried boxing last year and enjoyed it, but it wasn't run properly. They had random members training you and there was no structure. They just wanted you to stay for hours. I'd spend like 2 to 3 hours there and not all of it was training. It was so unorganized that you just stood there sometimes confused. It was a huge waste of time for me. I wanted a 30 minute to 1 hour workout and then go eat and do a hobby and relax. 

I'd end up missing dinner, eat late, sleep, get heartburn from sleeping late. Maybe there is something else I can do. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
46 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I tried boxing last year and enjoyed it, but it wasn't run properly. They had random members training you and there was no structure. They just wanted you to stay for hours. I'd spend like 2 to 3 hours there and not all of it was training. It was so unorganized that you just stood there sometimes confused. It was a huge waste of time for me. I wanted a 30 minute to 1 hour workout and then go eat and do a hobby and relax. 

I'd end up missing dinner, eat late, sleep, get heartburn from sleeping late. Maybe there is something else I can do. 

I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience. I would still recommend giving it another chance when it is structured properly it is a great way to let of steam. Unfortunately, I know that nowadays it not really possible but when you get a chance, some gyms have punching bags that you can fight on your own and that might even work better for you. Just use up your energy against that I am confident that you would enjoy it. I do not know you well enough so I might be wrong but based on your angry message I think that you can focus a lot of anger this way. Do not get me wrong I am not saying that anger is bad but I find that if there is too much of it I just focus it at myself which in most cases is more destructive than helpful. For me personally, I need to be able to get some of it out and then use the rest with a clear mind on the tasks that I need to work on otherwise it consumes me and takes away energy. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate to a lot of what you said in your lengthy post above. I'm a pretty funny guy, myself, and agree that we're probably funnier than many stand-up comics. What you said about it is right though... it's not that they're necessarily funnier than anybody else, they had the guts to throw themselves in front of people and get torn to pieces for years before they finally had a break. That combined with skills in marketing and all that jazz. I've thought about maybe taking improv classes at some point but I already have so much on my plate there's just no more room for another helping. Sounds like you know you can do that you just have to force yourself to do it regularly whilst coping with the reality that you won't always kill it on stage.

When it comes to styles of humor, you also gotta remember that not everybody in the world is even remotely as intelligent as we are. Not to sound conceited, but it's true. There are some people with IQ's so low that they are unemployable even at McDonalds and the armed forces (not talking trash about the military but they do generally take just about anybody who enlists). I'm also not trying to sound like one of those ridiculous cringelords who think you need to be a MENSA member to understand Rick & Morty... just saying that there's an audience for fart jokes and it's surprisingly large. Tina Fey once said that you can judge a person's intelligence by what they laugh at... amusing, really, since I consider her humor to be pretty banal.

Alternatively, you could try what I'm trying... write comedy. Even stand up comics have to have a certain level of this skill even though the mechanisms by which reading and speaking affect us are different. It's surprisingly difficult... I can make anyone in a room laugh almost on command but when I read over my blog posts or short stories I've written I think they're absolute dog shit. Other people have told me they're good and I'm judging myself too harshly but I don't know. I feel like a lot of the time I come across as being really cynical and angry at the universe when in reality I'm just joking. That's kind of how my in-person humor is too though. Very similar to yours... dry and straight faced but quite cutting.

I can only say great things about getting into music more. My class with Andrew Huang on audio production and engineering starts tomorrow and I can't wait. The speed at which I've been learning piano is even impressing me and I usually never think I'm doing anything well enough. Wish you lived closer because we have an electronic drum set here that nobody uses. It's technically my brother's but he bought it two years ago, played it for a week, and put it in the garage where it's sat since. Once I'm proficient enough at piano and theory that I can branch out I plan on taking it up.

All hobbies that are worth it are expensive. I spent probably $1000 a month on video games and related things like in-game currency for Warframe and other shit like that. That seems high, maybe $500. But then my PC cost me around $2000 on top of that which I don't regret really because now that I'm into photography, video, and music, it's really beneficial. But yeah... gaming was expensive. Now that I'm learning music it's arguably more expensive but it's such a new hobby it's difficult to project into the future very far. I'm sure at one point I'll have enough synthesizers lol. But so far in 2020 I've spent probably $2000 on equipment and lessons, and I'm already planning on spending $700 on a new synth. Fortunately my living situation allows me to do this... it's one of the main reasons I still live with my mother. I could get an apartment but I'd basically be working just to pay bills at that point.

I won't tell you that you have to go easier on yourself because it honestly just sounds like you're frustrated right now and honestly are being pretty realistic. I think many of us are going a bit crazy during this lockdown (I'm assuming you're under one too). I hit some pretty low lows the past few days and couldn't even bring myself to write a journal post here. Hang in there, though. You're still kicking ass and sometimes we have to hit the bottom to sort out what we need to do to move forward.

Either way, we're here for you.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Marek said:

I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience. I would still recommend giving it another chance when it is structured properly it is a great way to let of steam. Unfortunately, I know that nowadays it not really possible but when you get a chance, some gyms have punching bags that you can fight on your own and that might even work better for you. Just use up your energy against that I am confident that you would enjoy it. I do not know you well enough so I might be wrong but based on your angry message I think that you can focus a lot of anger this way. Do not get me wrong I am not saying that anger is bad but I find that if there is too much of it I just focus it at myself which in most cases is more destructive than helpful. For me personally, I need to be able to get some of it out and then use the rest with a clear mind on the tasks that I need to work on otherwise it consumes me and takes away energy. 

I agree. I have written about how I turn it inward often I think that's why porn has been so hard to quit since it's my main way of dealing with it. 

I'll consider giving it another chance. It's just expensive. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...