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BooksandTrees

Dear Diary...

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I was kind of panicking about the coronavirus and how it has killed about 100 people so far. This got me depressed, but I started reading about other diseases and viruses that are existing today. Over 1.5 million people die each year from tuburculosis, over 1 million people die each year from malaria, 100 thousand people die from the flu, 100 thousand die from cholera, and 17 million people die from heart disease and cardiovascular complications each year.

I say this because I think there are so many diseases out there with many of them out of our control. Sure, there are some vaccines out there (if you're an anti-vaxxer you're a problem and so are your children), but it kind of makes me relax a little bit. I have been panicking for the past week and honestly considering buying lots of food in preparation for never leaving my home. 

That's how anxious I was getting. But there is so much out there in the world and you can't predict anything. I think I'm just so afraid of dying, sad about not living my best life, and missing out on things. I am so distraught by not living the way that I want that I just freeze in my spare time and can't enjoy life. 

I need to change this. I realized it last night and wanted to spend today living the typical life I was envisioning, but then had a major anxiety issue and stayed up until 4 AM. I've become very stressed by work and Sundays are crippling me in many ways. The past 5 weeks I've gotten to work on Monday extremely late and I even took last Monday off.

I'm fine after Monday. It's like jumping into a freezing pool of water and being afraid of how cold your balls are going to be, so you just avoid it.

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Hey, at the risk of having missed some information you've already shared once again, but have you gotten a psychiatrist's opinion about your mental health? Like a proper diagnosis? It really seems to me that the same patterns keep repeating over and over again and I wonder if there's something going on that you'll need a professional's help with.

I think you've got a lot of potential in life. You are obviously very talented at what you do. However, I've seen and experienced firsthand how crippling mental health issues can be.

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15 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Hey, at the risk of having missed some information you've already shared once again, but have you gotten a psychiatrist's opinion about your mental health? Like a proper diagnosis? It really seems to me that the same patterns keep repeating over and over again and I wonder if there's something going on that you'll need a professional's help with.

I think you've got a lot of potential in life. You are obviously very talented at what you do. However, I've seen and experienced firsthand how crippling mental health issues can be.

I've been asked twice and seen a psychiatrist who doesn't think I have a major mental illness. They just say I can try anti anxiety medication if I want, but I'm functioning fine.

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51 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've been asked twice and seen a psychiatrist who doesn't think I have a major mental illness. They just say I can try anti anxiety medication if I want, but I'm functioning fine.

Well ultimately it's up to your judgment of course. I know of at least one instance with my friend where a psychiatrist failed to properly diagnose his daughter's mental health issue. It got frighteningly close to being too late before someone else finally had the courage to diagnose it properly.

I'm not saying you have a mental health issue. Just that I see a lot of patterns repeating frequently and with how badly depressed and anxious you get, I just wonder if there's something else going on.

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10 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Well ultimately it's up to your judgment of course. I know of at least one instance with my friend where a psychiatrist failed to properly diagnose his daughter's mental health issue. It got frighteningly close to being too late before someone else finally had the courage to diagnose it properly.

I'm not saying you have a mental health issue. Just that I see a lot of patterns repeating frequently and with how badly depressed and anxious you get, I just wonder if there's something else going on.

How did the daughter eventually get diagnosed?

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I've decided I am not giving myself a fair shot and it's causing some major problems for myself. After talking to Jay and Vera and reading my posts today I've realized I'm becoming someone who is avoiding life. I don't leave the house on the weekends or after work and I'm miserable. I'm resentful of others who do live life. I've attached a checklist I intend on following and we'll see how it goes. 

I'm getting embarrassed seeing people see me having a mental breakdown of sorts. 

Screenshot_20200126-233329_Keep Notes.jpg

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It's your diary, so it's okay for you to vent, to analyze and talk to some medical professional about it. I think @seriousjay has some good and strong points.

You are correct that you shouldn't worry about things outside your control, like coronavirus. On the other token, people staring into your eyes at the gym is also something you can't control. I am actually one of those people who if you met on the street, I would give you a stern eye-gaze for a good second or two. I read about eye contact a few months ago and I practice it almost religiously and see other people's reactions. I like to play that game. If they stare at you, stare at them back. Play the game!

I actually wonder what would my reaction be if someone stuck out a tongue at me while I was giving them my stare... I'd probably be shocked and laughing at the same time!

As for your "friends", I'd differentiate between "friends" you marginalize by not being able to do anything but get drinks after work, and "friends" you enjoy working on your hobbies with and genuinely enjoy their company. If you marginalize, talk smack about it and seriously mean it, just walk away from that relationship, because that is disdain. It doesn't matter if it's justified or not; whether those people can really only get drinks or whether you don't appreciate them for what they are.

I think disdain was the emotion my ex felt towards me at the end of the relationship. She was right to do so, because I was a wreck and gamed for hours on end, even though it at the same time proved to her that her choice to enter the relationship with me was void.

I reacted only on few things, so I don't spend the rest of my evening writing here, but others addressed them already. Myself, I think I rediscovered my ability to be truly amazed by people and perhaps to amaze myself at times. I hope you will rediscover it at one point as well. Good luck.

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I had a meltdown last night and this morning and posted an obituary of my happiness. So I took it down.

Today I fought through only having 2 hours of sleep. I got my work done, talked to coworkers, finished 3 huge tasks, walked with friends at lunch, and watched my favorite cartoon after, finished work strong, and then did yoga for an hour. I felt great after yoga. My mind fresh and cleared from all of the stress I felt. I connected with my teacher and friends in the class. It made me happy. 

After class I went home and immediately meal prepped. I made this recipe: https://diethood.com/crock-pot-honey-garlic-chicken/

It will last me 4 days. The things I changed were using chicken breasts (white meat) instead of thighs (dark meat) and added a little balsamic vinegar.

I talked to my dad on the phone for an hour and even asked my friend out on a date on Friday night and she said yes with enthusiasm immediately. I'm tired of making excuses to be miserable. 

I'm upset that I'm too tired to 3d model today, but I did my hobbies of yoga and cooking. 

My paranoia has subsided greatly. I think I lose my mind on weekends because it allows me time to think and sometimes thinking isn't good after I've been thinking all week.

Thanks for the kind comments.

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You had a productive day for two hours of sleep. What's your favorite cartoon? That's awesome you're practicing yoga with a group. I'll be trying to go for a yoga class Thursday and/or Sunday this week. I'm happy for you going on a date with your friend. I hope that happens for me someday, the only friends I have are far away from me or on here. Maybe I'll make friends at yoga/gym/buddhism/poetry. Life's not over yet! Nice job on the food!

I'm glad to hear your paranoia has subsided. Seems like it was a bumpy week. Do whatever you need to self-care. I'll pray for you. ❤️ 

 

p.s. There's a book called the secrets of people who never get sick that helped me overcome my illness anxiety (previously called hypochondria). It might help! If you do read it I recommend the sections on positive thinking and different exercise forms the most. There's weird ideas on there too that you might want to avoid.

Edited by Erik2.0
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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

You had a productive day for two hours of sleep. What's your favorite cartoon? That's awesome you're practicing yoga with a group. I'll be trying to go for a yoga class Thursday and/or Sunday this week. I'm happy for you going on a date with your friend. I hope that happens for me someday, the only friends I have are far away from me or on here. Maybe I'll make friends at yoga/gym/buddhism/poetry. Life's not over yet! Nice job on the food!

I'm glad to hear your paranoia has subsided. Seems like it was a bumpy week. Do whatever you need to self-care. I'll pray for you. ❤️ 

 

p.s. There's a book called the secrets of people who never get sick that helped me overcome my illness anxiety (previously called hypochondria). It might help! If you do read it I recommend the sections on positive thinking and different exercise forms the most. There's weird ideas on there too that you might want to avoid.

I'll write this book down. Pokemon indigo league is my favorite. I'm on episode 60 rewatching it. You will make new friends soon. A new path brings new encounters. 

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To be honest this sounds eerily similar to my story. For me, there's this feeling that I'm disciplining myself to make all these changes, yet it doesn't feel like my consciousness has changed. However knowledgeable I am that these external changes should help, the FEELING that my consciousness has changed feels obscured.

I'm with you in focusing on the smaller changes and hoping that these tiny degrees point us in a new direction. Keep up the effort!
 

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Today was good. My books came in thre mail so I can read before bed again. They're thre rest of the pierce brown books. 

Finished 3 projects at work and got another very far along. 

I spoke with my therapist about life. I think he's in agreement that I am too black and white. An example of this is I don't want to date women until after my exam, but I've said that for 4 years. I could have had a 4 year relationship to the point where she'd understand and support my study habits. Another example is I told my closest friends I can't see them for 4 months because I have to study. Realistically, I can't study for 56 straight hours each weekend.

You get my point. 

I'm going to practice balance similar to that yellow note I posted above. I feel better this week doing it. I got 8 hours of sleep last night and am happier. 

Today I went to therapy, then went grocery shopping, then cooked cinnamon rolls from scratch following this recipe:

https://www.tastesoflizzyt.com/homemade-cinnamon-rolls/#wprm-recipe-container-18003

Edited by BooksandTrees
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On 1/26/2020 at 10:40 PM, BooksandTrees said:

How did the daughter eventually get diagnosed?

I'm not too sure, and out of respect for my friend and his daughter I don't want to share specific details. Only that they had to go through at least 2 psychiatrists to get a proper diagnosis. Sometimes it takes a while to get set up with the right person.

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11 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Those cinnamon rolls look amazing. How did they turn out?!

 

Can you send us some! 😉

They were good. I also made oatmeal cream pies and another dish. I like to cook. 

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Today was good. My food was a hit at the office and people enjoyed the total potluck that we did. I finished more components of a project I am working on. I also went rock climbing after work with my friends from the office. I decided to get a membership at this gym after talking to my therapist. It's only $700. If I went once per week for 12 months it would cost $1500. So the savings is important after the upfront cost. 

My therapist believes it's good for me to be in that society and I completely agree. I feel so peaceful there and myself. 

I had a wonderful time climbing tonight with this girl. I do like her. It's strange. She has a boyfriend, though. I'll just see how it goes. 

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Today was also good. I think some stunning developments occurred with some negligent coworkers who have caused me major distress. I also went out for a brewery event with my coworkers and really enjoyed it. I'm starting to feel so much better overall. Like my friendships matter. I'm allowing myself to have friends and talk to people. This weekend is going to be the big test. I tend to get brutally upset each weekend. I'm determined not to be upset this weekend.

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16 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Today was also good. I think some stunning developments occurred with some negligent coworkers who have caused me major distress. I also went out for a brewery event with my coworkers and really enjoyed it. I'm starting to feel so much better overall. Like my friendships matter. I'm allowing myself to have friends and talk to people. This weekend is going to be the big test. I tend to get brutally upset each weekend. I'm determined not to be upset this weekend.

Good luck with the weekend! But remember if it doesn't go as planned don't be too hard on yourself. Change is hard.

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Just now, seriousjay said:

Good luck with the weekend! But remember if it doesn't go as planned don't be too hard on yourself. Change is hard.

I know. I've made plans to talk to some friends, study, do hobbies, hang out outside of the house, walk, and have options to rock climb, etc. I also got my new books to read. I'm locked and loaded to not be in debilitating self destruction mode. Let's hope for the best.

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Also, side note, it looks like my diary is about to be the most viewed and most replied diary on the website soon. This is a strange feeling for me since most of the diaries in that category are from 2015. I'm not trying to brag about this, but more thank the people who have supported me and held general interest in my diary and life along this journey so far. I got there relatively fast (under a year) so I am thankful for all of the amazing support and attention. It has helped me reach almost 67 weeks of no video games (Saturday).

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Hey! I'm having a hard time following even my journal but I like what I'm seeing here the last few days! Keep it up, engaging in all these activities will be good for you and, like Jay said, don't be too hard on yourself if something go wrong, shit happens all the time. Have fun on your weekend!

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Good job getting your diary popularized. I'm grateful to have people comment too. Sounds like things are going well. I hope your weekend goes well. I know unscheduled free time is something we're all working on filling up. Make those schedules people!

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