Dear Diary...

[BooksandTrees]

6 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Oh ok. Going off meat completely will seriously drain you of energy. The healthiest diet is a varied one from my experience- so one day its fish, the other meat, then veggie etc.

If you keep trying new things, its the healthiest thing for your organism. The bad thing is when you eat exact same things each day. The organism grows tired from lack of variety.

Yeah, I was struggling pretty bad. I feel like a different person right now after eating a chicken sandwich. I didn't get fast food. I just ordered one with veggies etc. I finally feel full for the first time in weeks. Like I'm warm now and feel like I could run a mile and stuff. 

[Vera]

@BooksandTrees you're doing really good. It warms my heart to see that you've changed your life so much and you keep improving!

[TheNewMe2.0]

That’s good you’re eating meat again. Some people aren’t cut out for vegetarianism. Three months is a while I tried it for like three day’s. Tennis seems a little safer than contact sports. Enjoy the chicken. 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm annoyed today because I felt the urge to watch porn last night. I opened the browser and wasn't aroused or interested, but I kept looking for a good 20 minutes for anything interesting at all. I started to get mildly aroused but then closed everything and read my book for 2 hours. 

I woke up and didn't want to go to work. I'm burned out and haven't been cooking dinner or taking care of myself with shaving and cooking. Coworkers keep asking me for lunch and pressuring me to join. I don't want to go sometimes. It's expensive. I didn't eat out for 6 weeks now I've gone twice and today has to be a third since I promised them. I'm trying to ne proud that I haven't eaten out much and still haven't spent 100 dollars on it this year. 

I almost watched this morning but closed in disgust. I watched because I didn't want to go to work this morning and didn't get much sleep. Ironically enough I've been reading so much because my book is so good that I've been pushing 50 to 100 pages a night...

Honestly, I think I'm overreacting. Eating out three times in 1 month is fine. I'm stressed because it's been all in 1 week. 

I'm also lonely in the winter. I have seasonal affective disorder so my depression always gets worse. It makes me work on hobbies less, more tired, and annoyed. 

I'll recover. I'm just glad I didn't pmo and closed it twice. My book can be triggering with romance. Nothing sexual, but I'm just almost desperate to fall in love and be intimate sometimes and get excited when characters fall in love. 

 

[Vera]

@BooksandTrees great! But you still need sleep to be less susceptible to your seasonal affective disorder. 8 hours of sleep is what you absolutely need to stay sane!

[BooksandTrees]

I went and rock climbed for 3 hours and only read 2 chapters last night. I fell asleep at a good time and heard loud thumping noises that startled me awake. 

I just keep finding it frustrating that every time I take steps to fix things in my life it doesn't work out. 

I kept hearing it so I grabbed my weapons and searched the house. Nothing. Had to be this fucking wind that pulverizes my house and trees hitting the deck along with the heat. 

I was having a great dream with this woman I'm fond of. We grew close during the dream. The loud noises were displayed in my dream and I grabbed her close and she grabbed me. Then I woke. 

I'm tired of the double snoozed going back to bed twice. I was very aroused after my dream but I didn't watch porn. I masturbated normally instead and felt a lot better after. I didn't regret it like porn. I'm just pissed that I didn't sleep well again. 

[Jordan2020]

Same dude I have dreams about the girl that actually told me she loved me in real life and then out of nowhere she dumped me and didn't want to talk to me anymore the same night after she told me she loved me. Ever since October 10th of last year it has been bothering me and I see her everyday during school and I keep thinking she will come back around. I will go to sleep at night every single night since the incident and I can't stop myself from dreaming about her. There are even times that I will dream that she decided to come back to me and then I wake up and it annoys the crap out of me. It has been my main source of depression since the incident. I think it is part of what has been causing me to relapse over and over with my gaming addiction. I hope you feel better soon about your loss. I don't think mine will improve till I quit seeing her after this last year of high school this year.

[seriousjay]

I think it's possible to have a very healthy relationship with masturbation. It isn't the act specifically that causes a problem, but the way people go about it. There are actually a lot of health benefits to regular masturbation, including stress and depression relief.

https://www.spermbankcalifornia.com/male-masturbation.html

[BooksandTrees]

26 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

I think it's possible to have a very healthy relationship with masturbation. It isn't the act specifically that causes a problem, but the way people go about it. There are actually a lot of health benefits to regular masturbation, including stress and depression relief.

https://www.spermbankcalifornia.com/male-masturbation.html

I agree. I just wanted to get to a point where I could masturbate without seeking porn to do it. I can now just relax and not have that mental pull to watch porn. I feel more free.

[BooksandTrees]

10 hours ago, Jordan2020 said:

Same dude I have dreams about the girl that actually told me she loved me in real life and then out of nowhere she dumped me and didn't want to talk to me anymore the same night after she told me she loved me. Ever since October 10th of last year it has been bothering me and I see her everyday during school and I keep thinking she will come back around. I will go to sleep at night every single night since the incident and I can't stop myself from dreaming about her. There are even times that I will dream that she decided to come back to me and then I wake up and it annoys the crap out of me. It has been my main source of depression since the incident. I think it is part of what has been causing me to relapse over and over with my gaming addiction. I hope you feel better soon about your loss. I don't think mine will improve till I quit seeing her after this last year of high school this year.

I didn't have a loss at all.

Can I be an asshole for a moment? Fuck her. Not literally, but it's a good thing she's not with you. You gotta see this. If this is the kind of person who would ignore you after saying she loves you then she's a two-faced idiot. Imagine being with her?

"Let's go to Wal-mart. FUCK YOUUUUUUUU!!"

That's what all of your conversations with her would be like. You'd lose your mind and hate your life. I know your perspective is a little narrow due to being in high school and I don't want you to get offended by this. But your world is going to open up like crazy when you graduate. You already mentioned it when you said you'd stop seeing her in school.

If you see her just don't make a big deal out of it. It's going to be tough. But you're going to see people you hate in life and you can't just avoid them or sink into relapse and depression. You're giving yourself a reason to fail by waiting for her to leave and then hiding in video games. It's an excuse to play games. 

I think you need to build a mentality of not caring about what she thinks. Don't let this fester or else you'll always end up being passive aggressive and avoiding people and punishing yourself.

[BooksandTrees]

Today was a good day. I shaved for the first time in 3 weeks. I socialized, didn't go out to eat, got good stuff on my project done, cooked an amazing dinner, talked to my friend for an hour, did 1 hour of 3d modeling, and now I'm kind of listening to a podcast and relaxing. I'll read in a few minutes.

[seriousjay]

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I didn't have a loss at all.

Can I be an asshole for a moment? Fuck her. Not literally, but it's a good thing she's not with you. You gotta see this. If this is the kind of person who would ignore you after saying she loves you then she's a two-faced idiot. Imagine being with her?

"Let's go to Wal-mart. FUCK YOUUUUUUUU!!"

That's what all of your conversations with her would be like. You'd lose your mind and hate your life. I know your perspective is a little narrow due to being in high school and I don't want you to get offended by this. But your world is going to open up like crazy when you graduate. You already mentioned it when you said you'd stop seeing her in school.

If you see her just don't make a big deal out of it. It's going to be tough. But you're going to see people you hate in life and you can't just avoid them or sink into relapse and depression. You're giving yourself a reason to fail by waiting for her to leave and then hiding in video games. It's an excuse to play games. 

I think you need to build a mentality of not caring about what she thinks. Don't let this fester or else you'll always end up being passive aggressive and avoiding people and punishing yourself.

This is so true. You need to have enough respect for yourself to tell the other person where to shove it. Otherwise what you're doing is giving that person who doesn't care about you complete power and dominance over your life. They don't deserve that power. Nobody does.

[BooksandTrees]

Update: I watched porn for the first time in 13 days. It's the furthest I've ever gone. I don't feel terrible, but I've been eager to watch for 3 days. Someone at the gym triggered me a while back. There is nothing I enjoy more than a physically fit woman. I kind of want to get into good shape so I can ask one out. 

But dating just for a body is bad. 

I also know that a personality like the girl I've grown closer with as a friend is what I want and her body is close. She's not toned or ripped, but she's beautiful. 

I'm proud of myself for going 10 days without masturbation and 13 without porn. 

On to the next streak. 

[Amphibian220]

BooksandTrees

This is what worried me from your posts.

When a man sees women in revealing clothing, he experiences a good feeling followed by sexual stress. The stress comes because by nature a man needs coitus every time he experiences arousal, but he doesn’t get it. Then unsatisfied desire gets pushed into your subconscious.

A man can receive dozens of signals like this in one day. A constant life like this can then cause problems for your health. 

I taught myself to lower my gaze on street etc and just avoid gyms that have women in them. The gym I go to is a martial arts men only gym. I obey this command because I know I will save my health many years down the line.

Edited January 24, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Ikar]

On 1/21/2020 at 12:06 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Either that or it's just 20-25 year old kids (mostly chicks, which you'd think is good for me) who don't shut the fuck up about unimportant things. They just talk about their fucking dating life and getting drunk and stoned. Listening to a young to mid 20 something talk about their life wisdom and drinking experience is so toxic and wasteful. I'd rather listen to someone being forced to swallow shit from an elephant above their head.

Damn, and there I am on a board game event, talking about reading Solzhenitsyn and working out daily. On the bright side, it filters out people quickly for you.

 

18 hours ago, Jordan2020 said:

Same dude I have dreams about the girl that actually told me she loved me in real life and then out of nowhere she dumped me and didn't want to talk to me anymore the same night after she told me she loved me. Ever since October 10th of last year it has been bothering me and I see her everyday during school and I keep thinking she will come back around. I will go to sleep at night every single night since the incident and I can't stop myself from dreaming about her. There are even times that I will dream that she decided to come back to me and then I wake up and it annoys the crap out of me. It has been my main source of depression since the incident. I think it is part of what has been causing me to relapse over and over with my gaming addiction. I hope you feel better soon about your loss. I don't think mine will improve till I quit seeing her after this last year of high school this year.

I think there is certain resilience and experience a man must build and have when it comes to interacting with women romantically/sexually. You can have all the plans for an A-bomb, but unless you actually build it and observe what it does, you won't really know what it is. Be skeptical. Double-check in the next couple of days after the romantic/sexual incident happens. If she was out of her mind/drunk/high, she'll flake. If she was genuine, you'll meet again. But being stuck for three months because of this? Both @BooksandTrees and @seriousjay bring up great points.

 

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Update: I watched porn for the first time in 13 days. It's the furthest I've ever gone. I don't feel terrible, but I've been eager to watch for 3 days. Someone at the gym triggered me a while back. There is nothing I enjoy more than a physically fit woman. I kind of want to get into good shape so I can ask one out. 

But dating just for a body is bad. 

I also know that a personality like the girl I've grown closer with as a friend is what I want and her body is close. She's not toned or ripped, but she's beautiful. 

I'm proud of myself for going 10 days without masturbation and 13 without porn. 

On to the next streak. 

Good job on the no-porn streak! Gym is tricky, because you can frame it both under being sexual and legitimately appreciating a woman with a shared interest and taking care of herself in the same way you do for yourself. We're wired to appreciate good looking woman. I'd argue the worst response you'd get from her is that you are a "jerk" or a "creep" for expressing your natural sexuality freely.

 

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

BooksandTrees

This is what worried me from your posts.

When a man sees women in revealing clothing, he experiences a good feeling followed by sexual stress. The stress comes because by nature a man needs coitus every time he experiences arousal, but he doesn’t get it. Then unsatisfied desire gets pushed into your subconscious.

A man can receive dozens of signals like this in one day. A constant life like this can then cause problems for your health. 

I taught myself to lower my gaze on street etc and just avoid gyms that have women in them. The gym I go to is a martial arts men only gym. I obey this command because I know I will save my health many years down the line.

I'd hazard a guess that you are, as a married man, in a different situation. I'd probably be a borderline eunuch around women I meet if I knew I had sex with my wife/girlfriend once or twice a week. Sometimes clothes can make a woman even sexier without showing skin. I think if lingered my way through life, looking into the ground, I'd be hardly ever able approach or even attract any woman, just because eye contact and body language are more important than actual words.

[Amphibian220]

@Ikar

Intentions really do define whether you get sexual stress or develop social skills with women.

If you are meeting to possibly become husband and wife, it does not stress you out looking her in the eyes and talking to her. You may just take a look at her body too and if she is dressed okay (nothing revealing) you are still okay because you know there are prospects for something greater to come along. 

But if you are just admiring women here and there, sexual stress is the only thing you are going to carry away (nothing in the way of social skills)

Edited January 24, 2020 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees]

7 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@Ikar

Intentions really do define whether you get sexual stress or develop social skills with women.

If you are meeting to possibly become husband and wife, it does not stress you out looking her in the eyes and talking to her. You may just take a look at her body too and if she is dressed okay (nothing revealing) you are still okay because you know there are prospects for something greater to come along. 

But if you are just admiring women here and there, sexual stress is the only thing you are going to carry away (nothing in the way of social skills)

I mean, I'm probably extremely proficient at talking to women. I just don't like the ones I'm meeting. I only like one woman in my life and she has a boyfriend. I'm not waiting for her though. I just know her personality type is something I desire. So I'll look for women like that.

I'm probably the most popular person in my office and hang out with women 75% of the time outside of work. I'm extremely comfortable and am a huge flirt, but also serious and can provide perspective and true friendship.

I got horny yesterday and watched it. I messed up. I was feeling very aggressive yesterday and needed some release. I think masturbation has strong stress release if done properly. I think gaming in moderation is impossible, but masturbation and orgasm release is important for the body and I intent on masturbating once per week. By that point your testosterone can't really flux past a certain point so you're just on edge all of the time in my opinion. I'll keep testing it, but I'm proud of myself for getting there. I also don't have the luxury of a spouse or girlfriend who can I have sex with, massage, kiss, flirt, feel, etc.

[Amphibian220]

@BooksandTrees

Do you think you will eliminate triggers if you reduce communication with women ?

Try it out for a week. If you start getting a clear head, good focus and a very good up-beat mood, then you may just continue.

You will find the woman of your life, but you have to be fit for that moment.

[BooksandTrees]

7 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

@BooksandTrees

Do you think you will eliminate triggers if you reduce communication with women ?

Try it out for a week. If you start getting a clear head, good focus and a very good up-beat mood, then you may just continue.

You will find the woman of your life, but you have to be fit for that moment.

All of my closest friends are women. I'm not doing that. I think you're severely underestimating my ability to converse with women. I'm fine to meet women in public and often initiate conversations. Even at new hobbies and places like rock climbing, grocery stores, engineering societies, e.t.c I'm very social and get women's numbers. 

My superiors at work are women. The people working for me are women. I'm not going to stop talking to them. They're very important to me. 

I respect your opinion on many matters but I'd like our conversation about this topic to stop here. I don't see us meeting eye to eye on ther topic. Your approach is unrealistic in my life and career. 

[Amphibian220]

I wasn’t questioning your communicative skills at all as its obvious from your post you feel you are well developed in that respect.

By becoming ‘fit’ I meant recovering fully from the addiction as you said particular women can be a ‘trigger’ causing you to relapse.

[BooksandTrees]

38 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

I wasn’t questioning your communicative skills at all as its obvious from your post you feel you are well developed in that respect.

By becoming ‘fit’ I meant recovering fully from the addiction as you said particular women can be a ‘trigger’ causing you to relapse.

I hear you. I honestly believe something else triggered me more than the fit woman, I'm just uncomfortable posting it here unfortunately. 

[seriousjay]

 

16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Update: I watched porn for the first time in 13 days. It's the furthest I've ever gone. I don't feel terrible, but I've been eager to watch for 3 days. Someone at the gym triggered me a while back. There is nothing I enjoy more than a physically fit woman. I kind of want to get into good shape so I can ask one out. 

But dating just for a body is bad. 

I also know that a personality like the girl I've grown closer with as a friend is what I want and her body is close. She's not toned or ripped, but she's beautiful. 

I'm proud of myself for going 10 days without masturbation and 13 without porn. 

On to the next streak. 

Nice job man! You have a great approach with your streaks. Don't be hard on yourself for breaking it, just start a new one. 🙂

15 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

BooksandTrees

This is what worried me from your posts.

When a man sees women in revealing clothing, he experiences a good feeling followed by sexual stress. The stress comes because by nature a man needs coitus every time he experiences arousal, but he doesn’t get it. Then unsatisfied desire gets pushed into your subconscious.

A man can receive dozens of signals like this in one day. A constant life like this can then cause problems for your health. 

I taught myself to lower my gaze on street etc and just avoid gyms that have women in them. The gym I go to is a martial arts men only gym. I obey this command because I know I will save my health many years down the line.

If a man experiences sexual arousal at the sight of every woman, then in my opinion something isn't quite right with the man. I go to the gym on a regular basis and while I do appreciate the beauty of fit women, it doesn't arouse nor frustrate me every time I look at them. Then again I am demisexual so maybe this doesn't quite apply to me.

I think the best approach is to try to strengthen your resolve, though I have no advice for how to go about that. This has actually become a pretty big issue in society, where people are finally and correctly starting to hold boys and men to higher standards of restraint as opposed to shaming women for wearing what they want to wear.

 

[TheNewMe2.0]

Hey, good job not masturbating for as long as you did. I think keeping the counter up helps. It's helped me a lot. Reading a little bit (like twenty minutes) on the nofap site helped too although I found the literature to be a slow read. In terms of getting fit. I think that's really good for you both health wise and for your self-esteem. Getting cut I think is possible if you just keep eating at a deficit and training. I just try to eat normally and workout, but I seem to be gaining some fat so I might continue training at a caloric deficit to get more cut. I think I'll do that in like another six weeks though. ttys

[Ikar]

22 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@Ikar

Intentions really do define whether you get sexual stress or develop social skills with women.

If you are meeting to possibly become husband and wife, it does not stress you out looking her in the eyes and talking to her. You may just take a look at her body too and if she is dressed okay (nothing revealing) you are still okay because you know there are prospects for something greater to come along. 

But if you are just admiring women here and there, sexual stress is the only thing you are going to carry away (nothing in the way of social skills)

I believe that everyone who consciously wants to get into a relationship does not want to ever break up afterwards and hopes to live happily ever after. Results vary, because you can seek for a relationship after five shots of vodka or while walking down the street or while in a library or while being anywhere else and all of these options have their pros and cons.

Unless you meet in a very unlikely way, you will always have visual feedback on the woman get to your subconscious first and that will affect your behavior towards her, even before any of you say anything.

I'm not sure how do you define arousal, but I have a certain primary purpose for everything I do. If I go to the gym, I work out. If I go to the library, I borrow a book. If I have classes, I take notes and pay attention. If there's a nice looking girl at these places, cool, I can talk to her. But as @seriousjay put it, there is a difference between appreciating beauty and getting aroused, having an erection and imagining being sexual with the woman you are seeing in front of you right now. Appreciating beauty does not take your focus away, whereas you need to invest all of it if you are to do the second.

14 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@BooksandTrees

Do you think you will eliminate triggers if you reduce communication with women ?

Try it out for a week. If you start getting a clear head, good focus and a very good up-beat mood, then you may just continue.

You will find the woman of your life, but you have to be fit for that moment.

I know you met your wife in a very specific way and I'm extremely curious how do you interact with other women, if you suggest others to willingly reduce communication (how much?) with women for a week. As it's not related to the diary of @BooksandTrees , feel free to just PM me the reply.

16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think masturbation has strong stress release if done properly. I think gaming in moderation is impossible, but masturbation and orgasm release is important for the body and I intent on masturbating once per week. By that point your testosterone can't really flux past a certain point so you're just on edge all of the time in my opinion. I'll keep testing it, but I'm proud of myself for getting there.

I have read something similar and I think once a week seems ideal for me as well.

16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I also don't have the luxury of a spouse or girlfriend who can I have sex with, massage, kiss, flirt, feel, etc.

I can attest to that being single and dealing with my sexual and affectionate parts of my nature is more difficult than when I was in a relationship. I miss the emotional charge which came while expressing these towards one single person.

15 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

All of my closest friends are women. I'm not doing that. I think you're severely underestimating my ability to converse with women. I'm fine to meet women in public and often initiate conversations. Even at new hobbies and places like rock climbing, grocery stores, engineering societies, e.t.c I'm very social and get women's numbers. 

My superiors at work are women. The people working for me are women. I'm not going to stop talking to them. They're very important to me. 

It's from the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" I wrote about before, but how do you keep in touch with other men?

[BooksandTrees]

5 hours ago, Ikar said:

It's from the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" I wrote about before, but how do you keep in touch with other men?

I still have good friends who are men. I go out for a beer with my male coworkers. We watch hockey together. We record my podcast together. We work on my cartoon together. The people I text the most are men. I rock climb with men as well.

They're not randoms either. They're either friends from work or college. 

I think I have good relationships with men and women. I'm just in a situation where I had two women destroy my grades in college so I never dated after 2010. Once I graduated in 2015 I was still doing my master's degree one class a semester until 2018. In 2019 I tried dating, but I had to study for this massive exam (the one this April) and decided they'd just distract me. I dated a girl for the month of August if you remember and just got too stressed by it. I went on dates with about 8 women in 2019 and connected with over 20.

I've always been an extremely sexual person. I love exploring sex and romance. It's the thing that brings me most happiness in life. Love comes with it as well, but I'm mostly highlighting sex and romance because of the porn issue.

I really think the only reason I haven't dated is because I know a woman, or women, I date will ruin my study habits. Even if they're not purposely ruining my study sessions, I'll be thinking about them constantly and wanting to be with them. I've proven this scenario before. I love the attention from a woman. I love affection. I love being affectionate and sincere to someone I'm dating. I want to sweep them off their feet or just relax with them and be together casually. I just want that partnership, love, sensuality, romance, lust, etc. I crave all of that. 

It gets in the way of me studying 100%. 

Realistically, I'll probably go through periods where I will masturbate once a week and occasionally relapse with porn until April or May and then feel a relief when this exam is done. Then I can just relax.