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Maintenance of the PhoenixKing


Phoenixking
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Detox day -2. "Terrace."

Friends of ours came by yesterday. It was nice to feel a semblance of normal life again. Just a sliver.

We're headed to my SO's parents today. We'll spend the night there. Hopefully I can use that time away from home to get a lot of work done. A change of environment seems healthy.

I'll be receiving the feedback on my pitch today. I feel like there was a receptive response. I also learned about a grant the city hands out to starting companies in their first 2 years. If the city counsel thinks you got your shit together, and can show your business and financial plans they give out 5k. That'd be huge for me. That would cover almost the entire marketing costs! I'd need about 7k for that but I can get the 2k from my savings. I feel like it's going to be worth the risk. I can build this thing!

I've been gaming but I don't feel like it's absorbing too much of my attention. I'm just a bit worried about the state of my brain. Porn and games fuck up your human CPU, man. At least, that's what I think/fear. Do you know about that idle creative moment? Like, how the best ideas come to you when you're driving, showering or on the toilet? I love those moments. But games tend to crawl their way into my idle thoughts.

Today I'm trying to get rid of the bugs. I'm riddled with bites. My SO isn't. Something about hormones and pheromones. The entire place got cleaned yesterday, dishes done, floors scrubbed, the whole shebang. My SO freaks out when people come over. She'll shriek, drop everything and turn into a cleaning, bossy tornado. I don't like it, but it sure does get the job done. So today I'll be venting the entire place first. Then I'll go room by room to clear the fuckers out with a vaccuum cleaner to suck them up and use a little anti-mosquito/bug-device that spreads poison when plugged into the socket. It might seem crazy or overkill. But they keep waking me up at night when they bite or sting me and it's driving me up the walls...

 

Recent highlight: Having friends over last night and enjoying cocktails.

Budget status: Sucks that we're almost through our monthly budget. But we did buy a lot and freeze it. The freezer's almost full. And we bought a part of a pig. A healthy, happy animal that got treated well and would only get killed when every single part of it has been sold. It's like reverse-crowdfunding meat. So we'll need to eat everything in our freezer to make room.

My one goal for the next 24h: De-clutter the living room.

What did I read today: Nothing yet, but probably a bit more of 'Life's a Pitch'.

My chore of the day: I have no idea.

How I spent the 1 hour of focus progresssing my business today: Am probably going to do mails and shit.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - I'll get around to it sometime today.

-Make the bed - Nope. In bed right now.

-Drink enough water - Had a bottle already, but not keeping track right now.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Not yet. But there's no way I'm going to my in-laws with nasty teeth. 

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Well, we weren't home alone last night! Come to think of it, it's been over 2 months since I last had a night alone.

-Meditation -  Nope.

-Exercise once this week - Didn't exercise. The bathroom and shower were too nasty.

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I guess I just often see my old self in her and that's hard.

I thought about this today. People like other people who are similar/familiar to them, because that allows us to relate. Nobody is looking for the "best" person in absolute terms. It's about the duality of warm/cold compassion. There is a stronger pull towards familiar people to support them emotionally and accept them as they are, BUT also a stronger pull to ensure they stay on the path that is desirable.

I mostly relate to myself in cold compassion. If I feel I didn't do very well during the day, I think something in the lines of: "Fine, you had a bad day today, but I want you to perform tomorrow." and it works for me. I think overall my environment is trying to sway me to be more warm though, for better or for worse.

2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Like, how the best ideas come to you when you're driving, showering or on the toilet?

This is why I drive with the radio off, because I get them as well. I get them when I go for a walk too.

 

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3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

But I don't feel the need to binge it. It's still a bit of a time sink, but honestly, so were other things like anime, Netflix, Reddit, ... I'm still wanting to quit it properly, though.

I feel that gaming is really not a problem for you. You are a little bit annoyed with the situation lately, so that is fine. It is ok to relax here and then. Even playing games. But if it fulfills you to stop it than go for it.

Regarding the moderation stuff: Just keep looking out, what is thre right thing for you to do, what fulfills you and how you get benefit yourself and others. I think moderation is inevitably a byproduct. But I am just in the middle of figuring that out.

3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

She's always giving everything she's got to other people and purposefully skips herself.

That is part of the problem. She is taking care of other people more than herself. But that is not the way to deal with a depression. The right way is to starting to take care of yourself. And that will be beneficial for other people as well. But it is a process, which takes time. The only chance is to start with something, gain confidence through accomplishing something and than get going more and more.

 

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I recently noticed the same thing you both pointed out, @Ikar and @Phoenixking : ideas come easiest when I'm out in the world just "being". With throwing myself back into music over the last couple of months, it's really punctuated how braindead I get when I'm sitting at the computer, even when I'm consciously trying to work on something artistic. A couple weeks ago I realized that if I go for even a 20 minute walk at the park, I'm flooded with inspiration.

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Moderation day 0. "Wait what?" - Trigger warning for games -

Yeah, I'm trying something new. I'm not sure this'll last past the lockdown, but who knows when we'll get back to 'normal life', right? I don't really have anything for now to blow off steam and I've found something that works. It's like a crappy mobile version of Overwatch, but it does the trick. I might change the game if I get bored with it to some Dota 2 knock off or even something else entirely. The point is, I want to give it an actual shot. I feel like 1 hour a day isn't that crazy. I watch The Expanse or Westworld or I used to watch way more anime and one episode of those is almost an hour (or  3 of those for anime). So in terms of time consumption, I feel like it's not the worst thing in the world. I am quitting porn though. And I don't feel like my need to listen to something is a problem anymore, so I'm letting that out. This is about quitting porn, moderation of daily gaming and maybe tweaking the frequency or length of sessions. If I can pull off my list of daily things below, I feel like I'll still be productive. I need structure, but I've learned that I "have to" do a lot.

So I want to find a balance between "have to" do stuff like working on the business on the daily and doing my physical exercises so I'll be fit to start training boxing and actually not having to do jack shit. I'll consider Sundays as a sanctuary. Absolutely nothing goes on Sunday. I don't HAVE TO do anything on Sunday. So I also won't do journalling on those days. And I think it's still a bit dangerous or slippery, but then again, it might be worth a shot. I keep hearing that I put too much pressure on myself and this is a way to relieve some of that daily and weekly. As long as that doesn't get in the way of my results, I should improve my mental state. And to know it for sure, we should try it first and keep an open mind but also a close record of things.  

In other news, I bought plants to take care of. There were a lot of bugs flying around since we leave the terrace door open all day long and there's no screen. I should ask grandpa (a skilled woodworker) to make one if he wants to. I ended up vacuuming up a lot of the fuckers and keeping a close eye on our trash and dishes. I got stung a lot. They must like my musk or something, hahaha. Now I got 2 Lemongrass plants near the open terrace doors. I call them Phobos and Deimos, after Mars' two moons. It's said that when the god waged war, he'd send his two demons ahead spreading fear and panic. I'd like to think of those two as the front line on the bugs. Then I put two more plants in the bedroom, I'm not sure what it's in English but I think it roughly translates to lemon-melisse? Or something like that? They also chase away bugs. The lemon grass is a tropic but hardy plant. So they need warmth and lots of water and food. But the second type is a bit more hardy and sturdy, from the south of Europe. So it can stand a bit more shade and survives more easily. I called those Cerberus and Styx. Giving them names will also help me take care of them more.

 

Recent highlight: Picking up and taking care of the new plants.

Budget status: Figured out the car payments and my SO's share in that. Paid insurances which even went down more than expected. Owning a car has never been so cheap, despite having bought a new one. We learned that I'd make a mistake and we lost the shot at getting 1000 bucks for getting it wrecked a while back. Infuriating, truly. I was angry for 2 whole days. But I let it go. 

My one goal for the next 24h: Plough through my emails.

What did I read today: Another chapter of "Life's A Pitch"

My chore of the day: Folding 2 baskets of laundry.

How I spent the 1 hour of focus progresssing my business today: Mainly emails, figured some stuff out about education, random stuff... Tomorrow I'll probably work on some advertising and some scheduling or upgrades we can do for my job as production leader at Prison Escape. I still have other mails in my other inbox to sort through, though... Also did some more market research.

Gaming: Last night I spent to much time on it and so today we start the moderation thing.

What did I post on social media: a picture from my reel on IG and a post on FB about my education at Starterslab.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Check!

-Prep food - Check!

-Daily Japanese lesson - Check!

-Make the bed - Check!

-Drink enough water - On my way!

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go do it ànd do the exercises! 😄

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Less of an issue nowadays now that I game again, it seems.

-Meditation -  I might go to the park one of these days to find some quiet time, I think.

-Exercise once this week - I'm minding my knees a lot. But I still do my exercises.

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Moderation day 1. "Wait what?" 

So yesterday was rather easy in terms of getting back in the saddle. I did what I planned out to do, followed my diary without any worrisome bumps in the road.

I do notice that I am more mindful, especially of the gaming. Now it's a means to an end. I'm rather sensitive to if it actually relaxes me and helps me blow off steam or not. If it doesn't I'll throw the game away and find something better to help me achieve that sense of discharge. It might all fall away organically when I start boxing. I hope that that's soon. I confident my competitive edge will take over and I'll probably invest a lot of energy rather quickly into it. Still, it's healthy to be as mindful as possible.

My SO called the drugs hotline my country's put in place. As a psychologist and professional in the field of hotlines and mental health, she was kind of disappointed. What I'm going through is not very thoroughly researched yet and very personal. We talk about it a lot, I keep a lot in mind, I maintain this journal. As far as addicts go, I'm a pretty informed one.

I do notice, I'm already looking at the horizon, in terms of gaming. I checked what my crappy PC could handle in terms of games, but it's not very promising. I should probably stay away from stuff with toxic environments like League of Legends or Dota. But I do like the challenge they pose. Overwatch would be ideal, I feel. Fast paced, intense and requires both skill and tactics. But the PC is too weak. Nevertheless, it's waaaay too soon to think about that. I'm at  day of moderation. I might go off the rails dramatically in 1 week, who knows?

We're having some guests over tonight. I look forward to being the host and making cocktails and food. All at a proper distance, mind you. But I'm still excited!

 

Recent highlight: I had the weirdest fucking dream. I can barely recall it but it was both weird, hilarious and lovely.

Budget status: Well, I keep getting paid for my Prison Escape work. Gotta love being under contract, right? But I do have to help out with Marketing now. They got me watching hours and hours of footage. At least I'm still getting money on top of my unemployment, so that's nice. Not sure about taxes and such. I've been meaning to doublecheck that. But we'll soon start an entire new chapter of bookkeeping with my business, so there's that.

My one goal for the next 24h: Be a good host and do some work for Prison Escape

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's A Pitch. They're rather short but also plentiful.

My chore of the day: Emptied the dishwasher.

How I spent the 1 hour of focus progresssing my business today: Going to try and remain focused despite having guests and work on my reel and the promo for Prison Escape

Gaming: Was fun, but the hour flew by like it was nothing.

What did I post on social media: A pic on IG with my new bright and bald, freshly shaved head.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Check!

-Prep food - Went against my grain and ordered take-out with the guests we had over

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done!

-Make the bed - All okay!

-Drink enough water - About halfway there at this point.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done. Also shaved my head!

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Nothing yesterday.

-Meditation - I feel okay for now and it's quite busy. But I do think I should try to hit the park sometime this week.

-Exercise once this week - Just did my exercises!

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Why dont you start doing the boxing right now? Take a simple 3 minute instructional vid and start developing your foundation.

Shadow boxing and cardio workout. I think a punching bag can be bought for two hundred bucks

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Moderation day 2. "Steady as she goes." 

I didn't really feel good about yesterday. I wanted it to be a more productive day. Well, today totally compensated. I spent about 4 hours learning how to do the bookkeeping for Starterslab. Then I arranged some paperwork for Prison Escape since I'm a business owner instead of an employee. So I'll be sending them bills and invoices, but I had already received my pay for the last 2 months. Because of an oversight, I should have billed them instead of just letting them pay me. So I gotta pay it back. It took some back and forth. I also figured out how I'd invoice companies in another country and had to double check the taxation stuff. After all of that was sorted, I got a gig for next month. Horribly underpayed...
You become an actor because you love what you do and if you take it seriously, you can get quite good at it too. You don't become an actor to be rich. But due to the virus our sector's been hit. Majorly. So it's now filled with people, kind of like vultures, who acknowledge how bad it must be for us poor actors. But who still refuse to pay proper wages. I got on the horn with a booker of mine, great dude, Andreas. He got a gig and we spent over an hour talking about it. His customer has got a meager budget, but wants a lot in return for it. He gave me the opportunity to do it and I started negotiating. I really had a hard time standing up to him because he's such a nice guy. But I don't pay bill with being nice. After a lot of back and forth I turned down the gig. I would have paid me about 300-400 per day, for 2 days, maybe 3. But they were asking stuff that was worth double or triple that amount. I'm sorry. If you want to pay with peanuts, go hire some monkeys. Some other poor schlob will take the gig because there's no work and you can't be picky. But I can't be somebody who claims there needs to be a change, who moans about being paid properly instead of working for scraps or exposure and then still work for low wages. I declined and told him I have to adhere to what's important to me. I'm damned good at what I do. I can't allow economic setbacks to make sure others can prey on me. Sometimes I wish actors and the likes would have a union... Somebody should get on that.

 

Recent highlight: The company we had over last night was lovely.

Budget status: As soon as I start actually working as an entrepreneur, I'll have to start paying expenses to Starterslab. Not a lot. But I'm trying to plan everything to fall in place at the same time. That way June is empty and Juli is full of work, making the most of how much I can earn in 1 month.

My one goal for the next 24h: Finish the paperwork that's due for Starterslab. I did like 90% already. Just some minor things left. And clearing my emails might be nice too.

What did I read today: I'm about 1/4 through the 'Life's a pitch' book.

My chore of the day: Cook dinner, wonton dumplings and some gyoza.

How I spent the 1 hour of focus progresssing my business today: Making calls, decisions, writing mails and a 4 hour class about bookkeeping.

Gaming: I'm starting to try and nibble off bits and pieces of the rules here and there. Whenever I'm a bit bored or have to wait around, I play the game, even if I'd already had my allotted time with it. 

What did I post on social media: A pic of food on my stories. Might post a more solid pic tomorrow, something from the reel to feed my IG. And maybe something on my FB or Linkedin too; but not sure what...

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done!

-Prep food - Going for shrimp-filled wonton dumplings and some shrimp gyoza

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - Almost halfway.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go do it.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Had some social cocktails last night. My head kind of hurt this morning.

-Meditation - Still want to visit the park, but can't seem to find the time somehow.

-Exercise once this week -  About to go do my exercises right now 🙂

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31 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

 

Why dont you start doing the boxing right now? Take a simple 3 minute instructional vid and start developing your foundation.

Shadow boxing and cardio workout. I think a punching bag can be bought for two hundred bucks

Because my knees are really, really shitty and so it my technique. Don't get me wrong, I can pack a wallop. But it's a Krav Maga punch, I need to learn the right stuff from them. I'm also holding it off a bit because I can't really cough up the 200 bucks since I want to try and save as much as I can. I'm still working on getting my knees back up to a level where they can sustain my body weight during something more than a random walk in the park.

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By reading your journal I am starting to understand that habits are hard to forget. You can return to them if you enter an absent minded state.

There is this trap also: try it to see if gaming can become a minor habit of yours. Ofcourse that’s when it can get out of control.

there are certain controls that give you a heathy flow rate with daily tasks. Increase that too much and you stress out, get too much free time and you will enter the absent minded state.

Problem 2: if your days become routine, the brain starts to switch off and the mind may wonder. But i suppose of there is a great enough variety and creativity on your part you will be secure , constantly learning something. You have to push yourself each week because that keeps morale high

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17 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

By reading your journal I am starting to understand that habits are hard to forget. You can return to them if you enter an absent minded state.

There is this trap also: try it to see if gaming can become a minor habit of yours. Ofcourse that’s when it can get out of control.

there are certain controls that give you a heathy flow rate with daily tasks. Increase that too much and you stress out, get too much free time and you will enter the absent minded state.

Problem 2: if your days become routine, the brain starts to switch off and the mind may wonder. But i suppose of there is a great enough variety and creativity on your part you will be secure , constantly learning something. You have to push yourself each week because that keeps morale high

Yeah, I try to breed as many good habits as possible, because old habits die hard. It's a system you can use to ingrain stuff into your mind, so it's trainable. Like conditioning. But it takes a while for a good habit to grab hold and an already established bad habit is hard to break...

I'd like to think it's a minor habit or hobby of mine. I like it because of the release and challenge, but I don't feel like my whole world revolves around it anymore. Again, take this with a grain of salt. I'm very aware moderation is something that doesn't work for everybody and I'm still not sure if it's a match for me or not. But I do get my shit done, it seems. I maintain about 90% of all of my habits successfully, and even when I used to detox from it, I sometimes had days where it was way below that. You have ups and downs in life. It's a pre-emptive statement to make, but this might actually work for me. As long as it doesn't get in the way of life, as long I keep doing my Japanese, drinking water, working, ...

Yeah, I think it's about finding balance. Routine gives you structure, safe handholds for your mind. But as you say, it could also be a trap. But I'm lucky to have a pretty veried schedule. It's rather quiet right now because of the virus. But I spend about 2 weekends a month abroad working, I usually have acting gigs, lines to learn, public speaking events to host, some writing, ... I don't think I've ever had as many repetitive weeks as I have had now 😛 It's kind of nice in a way. But I wasn't made for a life like this. I crave change and new stimuli a lot. 

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Moderation day 3. "Won Ton Phooey." 

Man, the wonton stuff yesterday was crap. Holy shit. I'm such an emotional cook. I like being inventive and experiment and stuff. But I was nervous because I'd never made dumplings. I let about half of them; all hand made from scratch by the way, lots of work; overboil and they got soggy, fell apart and basically tasted like overcooked slop. I felt so bad. Ugh. It felt for a second my night was ruined. I'm a bit of a proud chef, I get so much fulfillment from people enjoying my food. But when I hit a critical miss, it wrecks me a little bit. Thankfully my SO was able to cheer me up, we cracked a bottle and watched some feel good tv while we ate the good ones. She's such a class act. When her friends came over a day or two ago, my SO had to work for about an hour. So I was left all alone with them. At the end of the hour they were smitten with my SO and mine's love story. I love telling our story. And I've been glowing for two days because of what they kept saying about us. That we were such a good match, there was a lot of love between us, we seem to take good care of each other, talk a lot about how we feel and why, and so on... It made me feel validated that the way I approach relationships is solid. 

I've got some random stuff on the menu today. Turns out there's more paperwork to do. UGH. I'll finished by the end of the day because I'll have a call with a buddy of mine who needs a hand writing a comedy sketch and after that we're doing a group video chat and playing some party games with my SO's friends. I'm also going to take care of a new plant. The SO bought some fresh mint. But we're not using it, so I want to pot in into a bigger pot, add some fresh soil and figure out how to take care of it (water, temperature, soil, sun or shadow, ...). I'll now have 5 plants under my care! The other 4 seem to be doing fine. I just hope I'm not accidentally drowning any of them with my daily watering. 

 

Recent highlight: Having the SO cheer me up after the wonton dumplings failed miserably.

Budget status: 2 more days and I'll have been able to save 200 bucks. The insurance payment is coming up though. So that's going to kill any savings I'll get next month. I might even keep the 200 around for next month, just in case... UGH. I miss when I was able to make real money. I want to start saving for a house in a few years. My SO has about 10k more in savings than me and I want to catch up already!

My one goal for the next 24h: Finish that blasted paperwork!

What did I read today: Another 2 chapters of 'Life's A Pitch'

My chore of the day: Clean the kitchen a bit and put in a load of laundry as I put the mint plant in a bigger pot.

How I spent the 1 hour of focus progresssing my business today: That blasted paperwork...

Gaming: Went okay. It's pretty buggy sometimes, adding to my frustration. I want to remain mindful of how it makes me feel. If it's too negative, I quit it and play something else. I do notice that as soon as I'm bored, I want to play games, even if I've already had my allotted time. Maybe I should only play when I get that bored feeling?

What did I post on social media: I'll probably post a pic on my IG with my friends tonight and something from my reel tomorrow morning at 10 am. I planned it in. I should also try to find something cool to share on LinkedIn on Monday... I did post something good on LinkedIn today, though.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Just did it.

-Prep food - Having leftover dumplings tonight most likely. I might unfreeze some soup to go with it.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Just started now, so I have to catch up.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Just did it.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Half a bottle of sparkling wine with my SO last night.

-Meditation - Still haven't made the time for some quietude. Probably won't happen today either, I feel.

-Exercise once this week -  I'm a bit sore from yesterday. So that means I'm doing it right! It's not the knees that are sore, it's the muscles around them and my butt. That's great progress! Those are the ones my therapist taught me to work out more because they can absorb the shock my knees have to endure from my body weight and those help compensate for the bad muscle chains in my legs. Yay! It's not much, but it's progress nevertheless. I'm sure if I can keep up my daily exercises I'll get where I need to be.

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Moderation day 4 "Greasy." 

Well, I spent about the better part of the day on a kayak on the rivers of my city. A buddy of mine bought an inflatable one and we just floated around for like 5 hours. It was blissful.

I spent the morning kind of with an upset stomach because of the fast food of last night. My SO didn't feel like cooking so her easy way out is ordering food. It's expensive, though... I didn't really want to but she convinced me anyways. I should have said no but I like greasy food :3 It made me have an upset stomach so I woke up early because of it. I spent the morning teaching her how to drive better. There were some amazing successes! She's really progressing! We stopped by a buddy of mine for a chat too and then headed home. Sadly, she scratched the car... Twice... *sigh* so much for driving a new car...

 

Recent highlight: Floating around in ecstasy on the river, scotch in hand. Bliss.

Budget status: I'd love to buy an inflatable kayak or boat. It's just 100 bucks. I'll see if I can cough it up next month or something.

My one goal for the next 24h: Finish anything I'd really need to finish because tomorrow is Sunday and nothing goes on Sundays, those are days off.

What did I read today: Nothing. Because the kayakking and drinking got me a tad tipsy.

My chore of the day: I cleaned out the kitchen sink.

How I spent the 1 hour of focus progresssing my business today: I didn't. 

Gaming: I adopted a new strategy. I can game whenever I want, as long as I don't go over the 1 hour total time allotted. So I gamed 30 minutes this morning and then I just continued my day and left it like that.

What did I post on social media: A post from my reel, that got good numbers and something in my IG stories from the kayaking. 

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done

-Prep food - SO is on it. Sadly she only starts cooking when it's 9 pm. I might just have some leftover dumplings and hit the sack. It'd be 10 pm before she finishes...

-Daily Japanese lesson - Did it while walking.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - Just a bit today, not a lot. It'll hurt in the morning.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it this morning.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - It's rare nowadays to drink alone. Mainly because it's rare that I'm alone... Stupid virus...

-Meditation - Had some lovely quiet moments on the river today.

-Exercise once this week -  Went for a walk. I hope I didn't overdo it. The pain in the morning will tell the tale.

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Moderation day 7 "Spontaneous enough for ya?" 

We had a bit of a fight Sunday evening. She'd had enough of my neuroses, uptightness and cravings of structure. Mean things were said by both of us. I ended up wanting to prove that I can be a crazy spontaneous dude but that I like calm and structure more nowadays, that people change and that our age difference can sometimes be a factor. So made a few calls and got a tent, a gas burner we packed our things and we went to my grandmother in the boonies and camped out in her back yard. We were still fighting in the car. I took it rather personal that she said things like she worries about our long term relationship, that I'm not spontaneous enough for her and so on. I'm a catch. I put up with all of the depression shit, support her all the way and it's a sentiment that's reflected by our environments. She apologized, but it still hurt. 

The rest of the night was lovely though. Because of me watching a lot of Primitive Technology videos, I was eager to make fire from scratch! I did end up doing cool shit. I started some fire twice! Super cool! But I didn't have enough tinder. Grandma and my aunt ended up helping and we sat around the campfire for hours. Truly a moment making memories.

The next morning it was like we woke up in a sunny paradise, we were in the middle of the orchard, heard birds, the rays of sun woke up breaking through the foliage of the cherry tree we were sleeping under... And the best part is we had the coolest breakfast. My aunt was headed to a local strawberry farm. Holy fuck. You can pick ànd eat at the same time, eat all you want and pay 8 bucks for a full kilo of their strawberries you get to pick yourself. They even had artificial nests for the bees flying around. How is that for spontaneous.

We had a talk today about it all and buried the hatchet. 

 

Recent highlight: Campfire & strawberry breakfast.

Budget status: Well, my unemployment money is delayed. Fucking paperwork again. I'll be mailing it in today, but I'll have to make due with what I've got for now, it seems. Sadly, because of this, I'll have to make the first car payment with my savings. UGH. Our household budget progressed though. If we didn't have to pay our car stuff, we'd have gone from 100 in the red, to break even in a month. All in all, steady as she goes.

My one goal for the next 24h: I have an idea for making a quick buck, a buddy of mine got a hold of a design for a cool clip that makes it easier for people with glasses or ear-injuries to wear face masks. If he's not starting a small business around that, I might do it in his stead. But I'd have to buy the printer first, or buy his... I don't know. I want to maybe help him for a percentage of the income, it'd be a great passive income. I just have to do the promoting, market research and get him a few loyal customers to take his weekly or monthly supply. After that, production is all his and I have passive income that way. But he's not an entrepreneur like me, he's more afraid of life and taking chances. So I want to let the next 24h stew this idea, leave it on the backburner a bit and see what I think about it tomorrow.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's a Pitch, this time about rehearsing.

My chore of the day: Nothing. Sitting down as much as possible because of the knees, sadly.

How I spent the 1 hour of focus progresssing my business today: Learned more on online digital marketing via Google videos education programme stuff things words... I don't know the name. Can't remember it.

Gaming: I installed steam back on my PC. For now, gaming doesn't seem to endanger anything. YET.

What did I post on social media: I got some great footage of our camping trip, the strawberries, the daiquiries I made with them. But because of the media blackout today, I believe it to be prudent to wait for tomorrow.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done. Some are flourishing nicely. Phobos and Deimos need a lot of heat and water, so I try to keep their soils moist. The mint is perky too, I'm happy I nursed it back to health. My two bedroom bug-guardians, Styx and Cerberus, have a harsher time. I'm not sure what it is exactly that bugs them. Maybe they're sick? I was planning on hitting

-Prep food - Since I'm sitting down as much as possible, SO is going to take care of it.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - SO did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - Well underway of nailing this goal today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go do it and do my pushups.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - I had a beer last night.

-Meditation - The knees are a bit too fucked sadly to go for walks.

-Exercise once this week -  I'll be véry careful with my legs today. I'll do the push ups, but probably not the leg stuff. I'm tired of this. I'm getting a physical therapist to drag me through this again. I'll go see the doctor for a referral in a few days.

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Moderation day 8 "Don't let the weeds overgrow the garden." 

I'm starting to really notice the dangers of moderation. It's not a huge seven-headed dragon. It's more like a playful happy monkey but it's got claws, fangs and rabies. I started playing a game on my computer. That's scaling things up, you see. Dangerous... I do enjoy it and it didn't get in the way of everything. But I do notice that it's not really filling a gap. I used to be perfectly happy and content without it. It's just something you easily gravitate towards when you're bored. If you're stuck at home all day long and can't really move like I can because of the shitty knees, it's easy to start gaming. Yesterday, I played for a few hours. I experienced some sort of tempo shift. I had weeks and weeks of Starterslab pressure, papers and assignments due every week. And that all finished last Friday. There was a holiday on Monday so I only just yesterday evening got the confirmation. That's so much time where I didn't clearly have a directive. My SO argumented that I shouldn't game more than I'm working. I did learn stuff on Digital Marketing using Google Digital Garage and I did some emails and so on. But I could have worked on researching competition or other things. I just want to get back on track with Starterslab asap. I'm now waiting for my coach to contact me, pick a date and see about what's next. I don't want to be rude since I only got the confirmation they received all of my assignments last night. But I do have the urge to mail and ask about what's next. I need structure, deadlines, and so on. That works for me. Just letting me float around in space is not good for me. All in all, I'll just try to keep doing what I do right now and not allow the games to overgrow the work.

On a sidenote, my knees are now totally fucked. I'm in constant pain and seeing a doctor tomorrow. I'm desperately trying to do anything at all to not feel pain right now. Meds, drinking, gaming, ... Nothing's really working, so I'm eager to see the doc tomorrow. I'm going a bit stir crazy from not being able to move and knowing that I'm looking at about a minimum of 3 months of healing and physical therapy... I'm super upset.

 

Recent highlight: Hearing my SO do a phone call where she talks confidence into somebody who's down in the dumps. I'm proud of her. Not an easy thing to do when you're depressed or burnt out yourself.

Budget status: Nothing specific to report.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to upgrade my 1 hour of focused work to 2 hours.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's a Pitch, about how to run the presentation itself and how to handle questions and dialogue.

My chore of the day: Cooked some food, but the knees are still fucked.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: 

Gaming: Installed a civilization simulator. I love the peaceful music in the background. I played more than I worked yesterday.

What did I post on social media: 

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done.

-Prep food - Cooked lunch and SO is doing dinner.

-Daily Japanese lesson - 

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - 

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - 

-Less daydrinking at home alone - I had a beer last night.

-Meditation - The knees are still fucked so I can't go to the park.

-Exercise once this week -  I didn't do it yesterday because of the knees hurting. It's bad. I'm getting a doc tomorrow to write me a referral to a physical therapist. I'm done with this, I want to be healthy again.

Edited by Phoenixking
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Moderation day 9 "I hope it's not auto-immune." 

Went to the doc today. I've been feeling at bit more emotionally steady now. It's something I can do, going to the doctor. Like, it made me feel a bit more in control again. But what he said kind of hit me. He's thinking my shitty knees, pains and inability to walk is potentially a result of an auto-immune disease that attacks my muscle and joint tissue. He took a shitload of blood and is running a lot of tests. I'm seeing him again in a week.

I decided to surf on that feeling of being in control and continue my positive habits below in the same tread.

 

Recent highlight: Going to the doctor. The news wasn't great, but I feel like it broke the streak of feeling upset a bit.

Budget status: Still waiting to get some paperwork filed. I'm slowly circling the drain and the paycheck needs to come asap now.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to do competition research on other speakers, announcers and hosts.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's A Pitch, about the different types of presentations.

My chore of the day: Nothing much, sadly.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: 

Gaming: I game way more when I'm stressed, but there seems to be no other real stress relief available for now, since, you know, I can't fucking walk anymore. UGH.

What did I post on social media: Some pics of me and my SO camping.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done. I'd need to get bigger pots for them. But that's a tad hard if you're barely able to walk 😛

-Prep food - SO is doing dinner.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - About halfway.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Going to do it later, before we go see our friends.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - I had another beer yesterday, because of the pain, sadly.

-Meditation - Meditation last night, 15 min together with my SO. Was nice to relax a bit.

-Exercise once this week - Looks like this well be set to 'pause' for at least a week...

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Moderation day 10 "Sharp friends." 

Got a message from my buddy. He saw my account activity on Steam, texted me he was worried about me and if I was okay. Now that's a true friend.

My legs still hurt like a motherfucker. I want to make brownies today and standing up over the stove while melting the chocolate is going to be a challenge. I hate feeling so helpless and handicapped... Gaming is slowly taking over my day-to-day again. I think about it when I go to sleep or during random moments during the day. 

 

Recent highlight: Getting a message from my buddy about him worrying about me due to him seeing my account on Steam re-activate. Good to know he's got my back.

Budget status: Nothing specific to say, still waiting for my money to be deposited into my account.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to make the brownies without pushing myself too much.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's A Pitch, about creative collaborations.

My chore of the day: Nothing much, sadly. 

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: Checked out other public speakers, hosts, and so on.

Gaming: I'm trying to not do it compulsively and do it to mindfully escape my current reality of suck. But I do notice there's still the rush I enjoy when I obey the compulsions. 

What did I post on social media: Pics of me and the SO picking strawberries in the field

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done.

-Prep food - I guess baking brownies counts?

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done!

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Slowly getting there today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Had cocktails in company last night.

-Meditation -  I miss the park. My mind got quiet there. I do feel like if I have to or crave it, I could meditate in a quiet room on my own.

-Exercise once this week - Staying away from everything as much as possible. Or maybe I should exercise as much as possible? I have no idea what I should do... UGH.

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On 6/5/2020 at 7:01 AM, Phoenixking said:

My legs still hurt like a motherfucker. I want to make brownies today and standing up over the stove while melting the chocolate is going to be a challenge. I hate feeling so helpless and handicapped... Gaming is slowly taking over my day-to-day again. I think about it when I go to sleep or during random moments during the day. 

Hey man my thoughts go out to you and I hope you get to feeling better. Just stay frosty about gaming in the computer again I loved how you put it in your earlier post.

 

On 6/3/2020 at 7:02 AM, Phoenixking said:

It's more like a playful happy monkey but it's got claws, fangs and rabies.

You can do this no matter what comes your way! 

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Detox day 1/300 "To wheelchair or not to wheelchair." 

I haven't been well. At all. I've basically lost the use of my legs. I can barely support my own body weight, so I use crutches to get by and try to focus as much of the weight as possible on those and hold up my body via my (horribly undertrained LOL) core muscles. It's very draining because I'm often in pain. There isn't really a comfortable position to put my legs or body in. Sitting down on a chair, lying in bed, sitting or lying on the couch... It all hurts one way or another. But it's been about a week and then some now. I think I'm getting used to it now, registering the impulses less and less. I guess you can get used to anything.

It's put me at an all-time low. Being drained like this and having no way to relieve stress of anything to fuel my emotions into drove me back to gaming. I really needed to escape for a bit. But I now realize that there are other things you can do instead of gaming. It's just that games are easy to get your hands onto. 

It's the little things. Imagine if you could only take 100 steps a day, and they'll hurt anyways, but if you cross that threshold the pain goes x2. So you're motivated to really not cross that line. You go from your bed to the couch, 15 steps. But then you sit down and realize you're hungry. Do you ask your SO for help to get food or not? She's in an important meeting, so either you wait and be hungry for an hour, or bite the bullet. That's 35 steps down and your knees start to burn a bit, reminding you to take it easy. An hour later you realize that the meat, cheese and fruit you took with you to that little table next to the couch should be in the fridge, and that your dishes should be in the sink or the dishwasher. But you can't. Because you might have to go to the toilet later and you have to budget how many steps you can take... It's maddening. It's taking so much of my energy away trying to micromanage any movement that basic daily life requires. We don't have a bath. I have to shower and stand up and really think of how much I really smell or not. I hate this.

I'm stressed, lost, emotional... And it feels like I can't do anything about that. That's why I reverted back to gaming. But it's all gone now. Not only did I delete the games, I went scorched earth this time. Transferred my entire Steam accounts, hundreds of bucks worth of games, to my SO's email and she's set her own password. I guess I found some strength somewhere, somehow.

I was listening to some music and realized it'd been the 4th or 5th time that week I'd been crying. I notice the games numb me and push the problems away a bit, but the crying really helped me vent. Yes, this sucks ass. But that doesn't mean I get to run from it. I guess it's only a natural reaction. I understand past me. And there's some use or merit to the tactic. But it's a short term thing. And I'm a long term man. So I quit again. I can't keep doing this. 

I'll be seeing my old addiction therapist with my SO. Not necessarily for me. I feel like my reflections, talking to her and friends and this diary is all I need for now. I don't think he'll give me mind boggling tips. It's more for her. She has no idea what to do or how to react to my problems. She needs help dealing with me and if the meeting helps her out, that'd be great. I think she thinks she needs to help or save me and that she's failing at doing that, like she's not enough. It'd do the same I guess. But she's got enough issues of her own as it is. I'd prefer it if she were to focus on getting better herself, she's in it deeper than I am.

I'm seeing the doctor with the results in 2 days. They took a lot of blood and did some very broad and then some very specific tests. I'm happy he took me so seriously. He's thinking of "reuma". I'm not sure how to translate it to English but it's basically a type of auto-immune disease where your body gets shit jumbled and attack your own joints. He's not sure and can't be until the results are in. But after some digging online and asking around the family, I learned the symptoms fit me perfectly and it's a hereditary thing. My grandpa and his 3 siblings all have it. One of them died at age 13 because the muscle the disease attacked was his heart. Damn... So there's a realistic shot that I'll struggle with my knees and legs for the rest of my life. It can be managed though. I'd have to see a specialist to help me build things up again and then I'll have to exercise often enough the remain healthy. I won't be able to run any marathons or climb any mountains, but I won't need a wheelchair either. We'll see, I guess? I've been holding on to that idea a lot. Finally getting to know the name of the new beast I'll have to battle. It's going to be an uphill struggle. But despite it being uphill, I'll at least be moving forwards again. I hope.

I've been thinking of getting a wheelchair. I'll wait until I see the doctor to make sure it's not all for naught. Who knows, maybe I got something weird and rare that could just cured with 1 syringe of magic science potion. But I can't keep doing the 100-steps-a-day-budget-thing. I need new pots for my plants, I need to see birds and visit the park, I need fresh air and exercise. and get groceries I know being in a wheelchair would suck, but I'd get so much mileage out of that as a public speaker, holy shit. My whole marketing thing would just write itself. The image alone is super inspirational. "Handicapped dude says "Fuck you!" to addiction ànd his legs and tries to achieve his dreams anyways."

The household seems to be in shambles. My SO doesn't really cook or clean. She just seems to work and fall asleep in front of tv or fiddle with her phone. I know she's struggling with her own burnout problems. But it's sad to see she can't hold down the fort. I want home cooked meals, veggies and all that. Not another takeout. It's expensive and I want real food. But she seems to no have the time. To be fair, you only work 8 hours a day so it should be totally doable. But I didn't want to push her. I don't mind being the one that runs the show. But that's why it stresses me out like crazy not being able to do anything. I can see the food lying on the counter, hours out of the fridge next to yet another pile of dishes. And it's not like I can nag her all day do clean and cook and so on... I'm not a dick. I used to be able to just do it myself. It's really hard adapting. I don't like having to support this heavily on somebody. It's like seeing this place messy physically hurts me. If she were ever to be a mom, she'd have to step her game up crazily and sometimes I'm not sure she'd be able to.

I'm seeing my entrepreneur coach Emma in 2 days. Yup, on the same day as the doctor. My pitch was green lit and now I can start my business. Sadly, because of communication issues there was just static for a week. I had no idea what to do. They had me running around doing lots of things week after week, requiring me to struggle to shift from 0 to 100. When I finally caught up to the required tempo, they drop me into nothingness for a while. I was going crazy! It was like hours felt like days, like I had nothing to do! I got no response to my mails, but honestly, I was still struggling a lot with the pain and immobility and games. So I could have called or done more. But it's like life just put my ass on hold for 2 weeks or something. I've been roaring to sink my teeth into something. Cook amazing food, clean the entire place, visit family, just fucking anything... But you kind of need legs for most of those 😞 I did send a mail to a gun shooting club. You don't need legs to shoot guns, I think. And who know, maybe I'll like it? It's pretty clear that boxing will have to wait for now...

And because of all of the struggling, gaming, pains, and so on... My energy is just so low. I totally know there's solutions to anything. Can't walk and need to feel in control again and go do groceries shopping? No problem. Use one of your 1000 Facebook friends to conjure up a ride, a wheelchair and a backpack or two. I'm pretty sure I could make that happen. Easy. But I don't have the energy to muster it. Honestly, I'm kind of amazed at myself I'm detoxing again. I don't understand where I got the fire from. But I do realize that I can't keep moping around like this anymore. Nothing's going to change or improve if I keep gaming and just postponing and numbing and running... I hope I'm not running before I can walk now. I realize that crawling out of a hole should be slow and meticulous. But it seemed healthy. And my SO was kind of pushing me to. She's clearly worried about me.

I promised myself to get another tattoo. A phoenix with a crown, rising from its ashes. I found an artist down in France with a great hand and style. It might be cheating a bit, using a from of external motivation. So I shifted my goal to the longest bit I've done yet. 300 days without games or porn.

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There's a lot. I hope you will continue to move in the correct direction both mentally and physically 🙂

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Is that rheumatoid arthritis in your knees? Sorry to hear about that. I really think your girlfriend needs to step up here. I know I'm being a jerk to her by saying this,  but this is her time to support you after you supported her. It seems she doesn't know how to handle many household responsibilities. 

There's got to be a tradeoff where she fills in for the void left by you for cleaning and cooking. Maybe there's a way you can alleviate some sort of burden on her end or maybe have her discuss with her boss about her workload. I know I'm designing about 8 bridges right now and struggling, but I've recruited help through voicing it. Idk what her situation is like. 

Once again I'm not trying to be rude, but she's an adult and adulthood carries some hefty responsibilities from time to time and this is a very meaningful time to pick up household ones. There's gotta be some discussion here or else you're going to internalize all of your frustration and go back to escaping into games and you're past that dude. 

I wish you luck and mean no negativity. Just my thoughts I guess. 

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19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Is that rheumatoid arthritis in your knees? Sorry to hear about that. I really think your girlfriend needs to step up here. I know I'm being a jerk to her by saying this,  but this is her time to support you after you supported her. It seems she doesn't know how to handle many household responsibilities. 

There's got to be a tradeoff where she fills in for the void left by you for cleaning and cooking. Maybe there's a way you can alleviate some sort of burden on her end or maybe have her discuss with her boss about her workload. I know I'm designing about 8 bridges right now and struggling, but I've recruited help through voicing it. Idk what her situation is like. 

Once again I'm not trying to be rude, but she's an adult and adulthood carries some hefty responsibilities from time to time and this is a very meaningful time to pick up household ones. There's gotta be some discussion here or else you're going to internalize all of your frustration and go back to escaping into games and you're past that dude. 

I wish you luck and mean no negativity. Just my thoughts I guess. 

Yeah, it's likely. Or some other rheumatoid-like disease. But there seems to be about 200 specific types, hence the tests. I've been waiting for the results for a week and I'll know for sure tomorrow.

No, you're not being a jerk. I agree. Though I find it difficult to honestly follow that line of thought. I feel like she should be doing way more. But it seems like all she doing is working, taking calls, and so on... She's contracted to work 8 hours a day. But because she's such a perfectionist, so insecure about herself and her capabilities, she can literally do 4 hours over writing 1 email. I've voiced these concerns often in the past but usually I let go. She just won't listen and I rationalize that it's not my life she's wasting but hers. All I can do is voice my opinion. But this is the first time that it's impacted me directly. Though I feel rather hypocritical telling her off, saying she's not doing enough in the household. I try to let go because it shouldn't really matter to me what the dishes are stacked like or what food spoils, since I'm not even able to be in the kitchen, stand, cook or clean. But it still bugs me.

I fully agree. I'm hoping that the doc will give some reprieve tomorrow. But odds are that I won't be able to walk for a while. I might get a wheelchair or if I can get a physical therapist like the next day, I'd say screw the chair and start doing exercises immediately. I've been looking into weighted bracelets for my arms and legs and I've got a set of weights on the couch next to me to train a bit if I'd be allowed to. But whatever my pace and dedication. She's going to be running the show here for a while. And I'm not sure she can handle that...

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Detox day 1 "Tomorrow." 

I'm just trying to make it through the day today. I'm seeing both the doctor for my test results tomorrow and my business coach Emma. The former will hopefully tell me it's rheumatoid something something, so I'll get a physical therapist and exercises and maybe a shot. I've educated myself a bit. There's this stuff called Cortisone. It's effective as fuck. But it's heavy. I've often heard people advising me to avoid the stuff because it's great on the short term but will fuck you over on the long term because it's such a heavy drug. So even though it might help me asap, I might consider refusing it. It'll depend on when I could get to see a specialist on whatever I'll get diagnosed with. If because of Covid I'll have to wait like a month or more, I might take the shot and see a family member who's also a physical therapist for some basic exercises and advice. I'd rather take the longer, harder road if that means I'll be stronger in the long run instead of the short run. I'm down in the dumps now, sure I am. But I know I'm tough. Mental fortitude bounces back more easily than your body does if it's trying to recover from crazy drugs.

Had a long talk with the SO about the household and her taking care of me. We both have stuff we need to work on. It's tough on both of us. 

And FINALLY I GET TO COOK. I realized a few day ago that I'm smart and creative enough to come up with 1000 solutions for the problems I'm having right now. But I lacked the fire, the fortitude, the will to push through the pain and emotions. But it seems the promise of tomorrow has given me some solace. Or maybe it's the feeling of a small victory, having destroyed my Steam-account. Whatever the energy source, I figured I could use the step ladder to sit down at a comfortable height in front of the stove. With a bit of prepping and positioning I could probably finally cook in the kitchen for about an hour. THANK FUCK.

 

Recent highlight: Realizing I can use the stepladder to try and cook.

Budget status: Because of my gaming, I downloaded a lot. Had to extend our monthly data limit. And because they're sneaky, an expansion remains in place until you cancel it. So I paid a second time for this month. Great that we got more data. Sucks I had to pay for it because of my oversight and relapse. And the stupid paperwork is delaying my unemployment payment again. Ugh.

My one goal for the next 24h: Try not to bust my knees even further by cooking.

What did I read today: A chapter of Life's A Pitch about the pressure CEOs have to deal with, how to befriend them and how not to blow it.

My chore of the day: Cooking! YAY!

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: Learned what the parameters are to be allowed to do a TedTalk, followed a few local thought leaders, nothing crazy. Oh! And I informed about being a volunteer at the TEDx-events. I bet that's a great place to network and figure out how to excel and be nominated to do a talk. I gave myself about 10 years to become amazing at what I do. I figure a great parameter to measure the successes I'm ambitious about, is to be so ridiculously good, I get to do a TED-talk about it.

What did I post on social media: Nothing specific. I've been thinking about posting negative stuff, like being more honest about my addictions or about how bad my knees are and how it affects my mental health. As a person I have no shame about this. As a budding business owner I don't think it's a tactically sound decision to do so... 

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - SO did it for me.

-Prep food - I guess cooking tonight counts?

-Daily Japanese lesson - Did it, and some chess and Elevate.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - I still drink some daily, just not as much as I should, I feel. Partly because it's now harder to get the bottle filled up.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - It's going to take some extra effort, but I'll go to the bathroom right now.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Been drinking almost daily, both to numb the pain when the painkillers won't cut it and because of stress.

-Meditation -  I really miss the park. I'll see about a wheelchair after I hear the doctor. Depending on how fast I can start my recovery, I might get one or not.

-Exercise once this week - I'm hoping to get some idea of what exercises I'm looking at tomorrow. I'm eager to work out so I can walk again.

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What do you like to cook? I always like learning what other people like to make. One of my projects that kept me busy that I realized I didn't out in my journal was I worked on my cast iron pan a lot. Stripped it's original seasoning and started from scratch. Now it's non stick and I can cook eggs while they slide around. It was a good feeling to see.

19 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

Daily Japanese lesson - Did it, and some chess

Are you learning shogi at all? I tried it out and man it's a lot longer of a game than normal chess but the concept it's really interesting. 

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On 6/10/2020 at 7:40 PM, Tzen1 said:

What do you like to cook? I always like learning what other people like to make. One of my projects that kept me busy that I realized I didn't out in my journal was I worked on my cast iron pan a lot. Stripped it's original seasoning and started from scratch. Now it's non stick and I can cook eggs while they slide around. It was a good feeling to see.

Are you learning shogi at all? I tried it out and man it's a lot longer of a game than normal chess but the concept it's really interesting. 

I'm a dessert guy. I love making cakes, brownies, melonpan, ... from scratch. But usually it's just everyday food. I cook a mean steak and some killer bolognaise sauce. I like frying potatoes with special spices and call me crazy but I love making omelets. I throw in just about anyhing. Glaze some onions, fry some beans in tomato sauce (English style!) and add some actual tomatoes with some dried basil, then some mushrooms with salt to soak up the flavorful juices and add some bacon which gets fried crispy for the texture. Then eggs and let it all simmer. I feel so in control when I'm cooking. If I can make somebody happy with my food, it feels like a success. Oh cool! That sounds like an amazing thing to cook with! 😮 

No, I'm not. Maybe I should look into that... A friend of mine is really good at chess and he was talking about it. I'm sure I can find an app for that 😉 

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