Jump to content

NEW VIDEO: I Replaced Gaming With Real Life (Nicco Transformation)

Maintenance of the PhoenixKing


Phoenixking

Recommended Posts

Day 64. "Wine. Rain. Euphoria."

Because of my fucked up sleeping right now (thank you, heatwave), I woke up late again. It's starting to seem like the sleep techniques I picked up fail me and I need about 9-11 hours of sleep instead of 7 ish. Maybe it's because I can't stand heat that well and my body needs to spend more energy while awake to keep my engine running?

I spent the better part of the day on the road. As soon as I had had breakfast I left the house and went shopping for my grandpa. He cultivates grapes and since he's rather old, he asked me to set him up with some wasp traps. I got my earbuds fixed, visited the sports store and looked at boxing gear. I bought myself a jump rope and some hand wraps and I bought a good basketball to gift to my physical therapist. She's been so adaptive, bright and motivating. I shouldn't spend money on non-essential stuff. But I strongly feel like the financial negative impact is vastly outweighed by the positive impact that gesture will have on her. I also went groceries shopping and got some random stuff along the way. I wanted to work a lot and do other stuff, but chores and stuff like the above got in the way. We need groceries and I'm the only one allowed in the store due to the virus. My SO can't drive yet so it's all up to me since they only allow 1 person per family inside. It sucks. I ended the day rushing to try and get to the garage before it closes. I entered but there was nobody there. Due to the heat, they now close early...

I spent the evening recovering from having to had dealt with so many annoying people and situations. I wanted to work but... Unfriendly types at the grocery store, the garage closing early, sleeping badly, the heat and feeling dirty and sweaty, ... UGH.

I watched tv with my SO, drank wine with her and then it started to rain... OMFG. I'm not sure if it was the amazing TV show we were watching (Legion, go watch it, it's gorgeous), the wine or the fact that the rain felt like a breath of fresh air. I was so happy to finally get something other than the heat.

 

Recent highlight: The rain.

Budget status: Nothing specific to report.

My one goal for the next 24h: Just try to be as productive as possible tomorrow. And pray the heat relents.

What did I read today: Nothing. Was away all day. This habit is really starting to wane.

My chore of the day: Went groceries shopping.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Made a list of all the casting agencies I should send my profile to.

What did I post on social media: Nothing.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 3/31

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - It rained a bit so that's cool.

-Prep food - SO did it.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - n/a

-Drink enough water - Had about 1 bottle ish. Or maybe two? My memory is fuzzy...

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it this morning. I'll try to remember to do it before going to bed.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Had some wine with the SO

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 68. "Five day sprint."

SO and I bought a BBQ yesterday. Then promptly made a feast with it. Dry rubbed steaks, sweet marinated bacon, cream cheese filled mushrooms, homemade garlic bread, lemon-infused fish, and then the SO made so many veggies and salads, ... It felt like stuff that families do rather than couples... Slowly, but surely, we're getting used to and looking forward to the idea that we're one day going to be more than just a couple. We sometimes talk about houses, kids and so on. It's still a while away, sure. But it all feels so right at times. There's bumps here and there, it's only normal. There's no real huge deal breakers like with my exes. We're taking a trip at the end of this week. Wellness, wakeboarding, rented a place with a pool to chill out beside, biking, hiking, dinner, ... A couple of days free of the rat race, of worries and daily life and squabbles. A few days after we come back from that, we'll be receiving our 2 bunnies. Both have been spayed/neutered and vaccinated. I look forward to raising them so much. We're going shopping on Friday to get our gear. A play pen, food, a toilet (bunnies are housebroken).

On the other hand, this week was shitty in terms of productivity. I don't do well in heat. At all. It's like it's constantly passively absorbing energy. I hate it. But it seems like the heatwave subsided a bit now. Thank heavens. Since we're leaving at the end of the week, I'd like to try and get 5 days of amazing productivity in. I'm the dude who'll take 3 hours in the morning to wake up slowly, have a coffee, watch a series or a movie and take a mini-holiday before the workday starts. I also work until like 9 pm. I'm not somebody who can take holiday easily because it feels unproductive, like I haven't deserved a break yet since there's still so much to do. And with the 'lost' days of the past 1-2 weeks... I just want to exhibit a burst of strength, motivation and results in the next few days. Both to level out my lack of results last week and to make sure I don't worry while on vacation.

 

Recent highlight: The delicious dinner and lovely stay-at-home-date with my SO.

Budget status: I suddenly realized I don't really have enough money to make rent at the end of the month. I'll probably have to get some from my savings account before my unemployment money comes through.

My one goal for the next 24h: Slay today.

What did I read today: A bit about Italian suits en designers from 'Gentleman'. Some parts are interesting, other less so it seems.

My chore of the day: Put in, cleaned, took out and hung up a load of laundry.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Wading through toiling website after website, collecting casting agencies applications and filling them in. UGH.

What did I post on social media: BBQ pics. Omnomnom. I can still taste it...

Anonymity editing of my diary: 3/31

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - It rained yesterday so we're good.

-Prep food - BBQ leftovers

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - n/a

-Drink enough water - Slowly getting there.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it today and will hope to remember to brush later tonight.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Had beers and a cocktail yesterday while bbq'ing and having dinner

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 69. "Four more rounds."

I'm very happy with how yesterday went. I finished my diary and spent about 6-7 hours, with no break, focused on getting more acting gigs. I collected videos, pictures and a shitload of websites and casting agencies to put them on. I automate where I can, making sure I get notifications, emails and updates so that I don't have to actively search. Those that do require proper attention, are stored in a folder in my browser bookmarks, right in my sight, impossible to forget or ignore.

That's about it, to be honest. That's kind of the only thing I did yesterday. And the habitat for the bunnies arrived. Holy fuck it's big. I'd love to see them try to escape out of that! It's a bit too big, though. Takes up about 1/8th of the living room! But it's only temporary since we'll raise them, housebreak them and teach them how to behave. That way, they can just roam freely. I'm just a bit worried our place might start smelling a bit more like hay. We might change where we put their food to make sure our living room doesn't accidentally smell like a stable or something.

 

Recent highlight: Building the bunny pen.

Budget status: Nothing to report.

My one goal for the next 24h: Slay today again.

What did I read today: Finished the bit about suits; proceeding to 'smart casual'.

My chore of the day: Wasn't able to do anything since both power and water went out... Went to dinner with SO instead.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Getting more castingsites and agencies on my list. Paying for a few of them too. Not much, like 50 a year. If I get 2 gigs out of that or 1 good one it pays for itself.

What did I post on social media: Nothing.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 3/31

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - It stormed yesterday, so it's cool.

-Prep food - Went out to dinner to due power and water failure.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - n/a

-Drink enough water - Didn't drink enough tbh.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done and one.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - There's no more beers and no plans of buying more.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 70. "Threat."

So today I woke up late again, to my dismay. After dinner we kind of felt asleep immediately and I slept poorly again. I should maybe quit alcohol in general for a while... It'd be better for my health and I kind of like the idea of learning how to box, improving my diet a bit and also not smoking or drinking. It sound Spartan-like and healthy.

Three more days to kick ass. I'm going boxing in a bit, then I should run tomorrow and go boxing again on Friday. I missed my cue to run today because of the oversleeping, so that means I'll have to go for a run this weekend to match it up again. No biggie.

I got my first pre-selections for a few castings, so that's nice. I'm going to subscribe to a few agencies, to be safe. But I'm starting to feel like being a part of like 20 or something might be overkill. I'm not sure. I'll see what happens.

And finally, some pretty crazy news. My SO has some kind of swelling. Either on her kidneys, her lungs or her brain. She got some urine and blood analyses done and it turns out it's bad, like really, really bad. She's got a 60% to 80% recovery rate so that's good though. I'm trying not to panic. We're talking to her doctor tomorrow. It'll be playing some hide-and-seek with her body's new villain and then eliminating it, I believe. The swelling seems to create a variety of effects, ranging from skin that bruises super easily, physical weakness in limbs, bad effects on fertility and even going so far as to explain her depression/burnout. 

 

Recent highlight: Getting the first responses on my new online casting profiles.

Budget status: Nothing to report. Other than because of our upcoming vacation, in combo with last night's date, we might fall short on money to get groceries next week.

My one goal for the next 24h: Keep slaying!

What did I read today: Sadly, I was a bit busy, so this kind of got pushed aside. It's happening more and more, to my chagrin.

My chore of the day: Took out the trash, did the dishes and washed and hung up our sports clothes.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Mainly getting more castings and auditions; a few emails too.

What did I post on social media: Nothing, but I'm prepping to release some stuff tomorrow.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 3/31

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Rained again today so no worries.

-Prep food - Made dinner.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - n/a

-Drink enough water - Almost made it to the end.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did the first bit today. Second bit will before I hit the hay.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - There was a cocktail and a beer yesterday during the date.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 71. "In the zone."

Was working till 2 am last night. So proud of me. There's little to do today, so I'll be finished quickly. Luckily so, because my SO's parents are coming over so I'll lose quite a bit of my working day to that. It's cool, though. I did a lot the last three days. I was so focused, so in the zone. When I'm actually in an alpha state like that, everything around me just fades away. I'm really happy for that. It's not always practical, but I've got a concentration disorder, so actually being fully focused is a rare and lovely thing. My emotions and other things like hunger or sleepiness turn off then. I get some sort of tunnel vision. It's useful in times of true need, life or death shit. I am super calm and there's ice water in my veins. But last night I was a bit, let's say brief. My SO is still dealing with her diagnosis. We're hearing more about it later today. She'll probably need scans to locate the swelling, if we're lucking it's nowhere near her brain. It could be the lungs or the kidneys too, apparently. It'll have to be removed, but we need confirmation that there's actually something there first.

 

Recent highlight: Working efficiently til late last night.

Budget status: Nothing to report.

My one goal for the next 24h: Keep slaying! Only today and tomorrow left! I'm not going down in the fourth round!

What did I read today: A bit about sports jackets

My chore of the day: I should iron a bit...

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Finished the last of the casting agencies.

What did I post on social media: The first pic of my new look.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 3/31

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Soil is still moist so no biggie.

-Prep food - Having dinner with family tonight.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - n/a

-Drink enough water - I'll go running in a bit, so I'll be thirsty.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Didn't do it last night, but about to do the first part right now.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Nothing yesterday. Thinking of quitting alcohol.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 72. "Final round."

Doctor called. Second round of tests to make sure it's not the horrible weird swelling my SO is afraid of being afflicted with. We'll be on vacation for a few days, then she'll get the second tests and then we'll adopt the bunnies, so it's going to be an eventful 10 days now.

We went out and bought a lot of supplies for the bunnies. I can't believe we're going to have 2 extra beating hearts in our home soon.

It's really fucking warm. WHY?! Is a little cloud cover too much to ask for? I've got boxing later today, so it's going to be rough. I also figured out why I'm always the last one to finish exercises. When we have to do 1000 hooks, I do a proper punch, or at least try to, every single time. I imagine there's an opponent in front of me and I let loose. Others don't. Makes sense I'm so worn out so quickly. I should do it a bit more fluently, less explosive energy but the same finesse.

 

Recent highlight: Buying the bunny supplies. So excited!

Budget status: We're about to go on vacation, so it'll get wrecked a bit. But the SO suggested trying to save as much as we can next month. She wanted to let go finally, since she hasn't had a proper bit of time off to let loose since the lock-down started in March.

My one goal for the next 24h: Work the final bits of what needs to be done and then relax for 3 days!

What did I read today: Just a tiny bit about tweed from 'Gentleman'. It's late and I'm tired, but I still wanted to get this done.

My chore of the day: Cleaning the bathroom.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: It was a rather busy day today, so I'd like to at the very least flesh out 1 character out of the 10 I'd want to use for my job.

What did I post on social media: Pics of sailing a boat yesterday.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 3/31

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - They had rain for a few days, so we're okay.

-Prep food - We have leftovers from yesterday, so we're good.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - n/a

-Drink enough water - First bottle down. It's fucking warm again. And there's boxing later today so I'm sure I'll nail the goal today again.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it last night, about to do today's first bit and I'll hope to remember to do the latter part later tonight.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Had 1 cocktail yesterday. But I feel like I should have had some lemonade or something... I wonder if actually quitting alcohol would be hard on me or not. I do tend to feel better without it, though...

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 76. "Vacation."

Back from our trip! Whew. We started the day with a hiking trail where you get to take off your shoes. Soft underground, obstacles, water, ... In the middle of nature with no soul to be found. I felt the stress and tension flow out of me in those first few hours already. Then we went to a sauna/wellness resort and got massages. We stayed there for the rest of the day. An amazing place. Brand new and built like a temple. We spent the night at our AirBnb. A lovely couple with a huge house. He's into data, she's into horses. Day 2 was spent on the water and in nature again. We went wake boarding. I can wake board now. Holy fuck was that fun! We also climbed a mountain and did another hike. Then we went to dinner and had a romantic date. The last day we got a horse riding class. We really learned how to connect with the horse, it was almost like a spiritual experience. When we rode home, we visited another park and found a place to eat in the middle of nature. There were wasps, but the owner started putting little mounds of ground coffee here and there and burning them. The smoke cleared them out. Curious and creative solution! We ended our vacation by visiting a lavender garden. It's run by volunteers, mostly retired people. They have all sorts of lavender, a few huge fields of them in bloom, a rose garden, a hedge maze, ... We even discovered a hidden vegetable garden with some bunnies! But they were clearly not wild ones... We were able to approach them, but not pet them. I was so confused. Were these pets that'd ran away? When we asked about it, they explained they were a gift to the gardens. They have a donkey, a few birds, pigeons and peacocks and the bunnies were to be an addition to their colorful animal farm. But on day 1 they broke out. They didn't ran away though, they just hang out in the gardens and nibble the vegetables. Much the the hilarious dismay of the gardener. I offered to help catch them, provided their enclosures are great. I didn't want to aid in getting those fluffy animals into a bad lifestyle. But they refused. They weren't able to catch them or drive them away, so they built little fences around the vegetables. They now some sort of free-roam pets. We were told they sleep in the lavender fields at night and lead the lives of kings. The thought of them being free, happy and healthy filled me with joy. 

 

Recent highlight: Getting a call from my first coachee, telling me she nailed her presentation. That means my first customer was a success!

Budget status: Nothing specific. We went quite over budget, but we agreed to save a LOT this next month. I'm not a fan of the idea of living off next month's money. But hey, we were on a break! XD

My one goal for the next 24h: Pick up the bunnies tonight and prep their enclosure.

What did I read today: Got to the half of the book 'Gentleman'. It's progressing slowly, but progressing nevertheless.

My chore of the day: Prepped the bunny enclosure and took out the trash

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Wasn't a very active day, per se. 

What did I post on social media: An pic of my photoshoot.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 3/31

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - It's been raining often enough that I let this slide today.

-Prep food - Not having anything special. Just chicken curry.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done!

-Make the bed - I let it slide this morning. But I'll try to get this habit back up and running again.

-Drink enough water - Haven't had anything yet, but I just started.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did the first part, I'll try to remember the second bit.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Nothing yesterday. But I did let go quite a bit during vacation.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 77. "Two beating hearts."

Well, we adopted our two bunnies last night. I built their enclosure and read through all of the relevant info. How to feed them and what, how to potty train them, and so on... It takes quite a bit of energy and time the first two weeks. They need to get used to us, all of the new sounds, smells and sights, ... But for now it looks like the first night and morning went well. It's all very exciting!

I'm seeing my therapist tonight. I want to talk about my dad. I've been sleeping horribly for about two weeks now. I keep imagining scenarios where I talk to him, or meet him and go through all of the things I'd want to say to him. But it's so complicated and I tend to overthink stuff. I'm also not very certain that actually meeting up with him would be such a great idea. I'd basically want to tell him how horrible the last 20 years were because of him, I'd like to see for myself if he's actually that dense that he doesn't realize the mistakes he's made as a dad. And then I'd like to ask him to show respect for all of that trauma by staying away forever. I noticed, after grandma's (his mom) death, he tried contacting us a bit more often. But I'm afraid it's too late and it hurts me too much to deal with him. Too much has happened.

 

Recent highlight: BUNNIES ARE CUTE OMFGWTF

Budget status: Nothing to report. Other than that pets are expensive XD

My one goal for the next 24h: Get my to-do list done for today and go for a run.

What did I read today: Another bit from 'Gentleman'. It's getting noticeably harder to get through the book as other stuff keep growing as priorities.

My chore of the day: Put in, took out, and put up a load of laundry; folded and put away some already washed and dried clothes.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progressing my business today: Was planning on focusing on the bunnies; but I checked the listings for castings and did some emails and planning the next few weeks of work.

What did I post on social media: Nothing.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 3/31

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - The plants seem fine for now.

-Prep food - I'll find something to cook right now...

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Just had my first sip.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go do it before I head out.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Nothing yesterday, though I felt the temptation.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 78. "Easing."

The two bunnies are so adorable. The boy is slowly getting used to his new environment and the potty training is going well. It is actually progressing faster that we'd thought. The girl is a bit more reluctant. He's quite young and bold, she's a bit older and more timid. I think she'll need some time to warm up to both us and her new home. They seem to be eating and drinking fine, though. So nothing to worry about. 

I saw my therapist last night and we talked about 2 things. One being my dad and me not sleeping well due to him slowly edging himself more into my life now. I was able to talk about all of the history, but we didn't have enough time to really dig into it. That's because we were talking about me setting high bars first. That conversation has led me to wanting to try to wane myself off a bit of this diary. I was thinking of doing it every other day instead of daily. That'd grant me a bit more air. I am pretty demanding of myself and while that's okay, I should take a good, long, critical look at what I force myself to do daily and see if they truly connect to my values. It's like if you ask somebody if a healthy body is important to them. Sure, it connects to their values. But does it really? Are they minding their diet or exercising regularly? Are they willing to suffer for their values?

So I'm both making the lists below a bit shorter and will do this diary only every other day. We'll see how it goes ^^

 

Budget status: Nothing to report, other than that the vacation was kind of over budget. But we'll get by.

What did I read today: A bit about how shorts are horrible, stylistically. It made me giggle a bit. 

My chore of the day: Put in, took out, and put up a load of laundry; folded and put away some already washed and dried clothes.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 4/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - Done.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done!

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Started drinking. First bottle down.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it last night and did the first bit today.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 80. "Caught the scent."

So boxing went well. This is the second time I've heard a senior member telling me I'm doing great. Last time I met somebody who'd been doing it for ages. He said that he saw how hard I worked and that I'll definitely get where I want to get. He explained to me that it takes about a year for a person to reach their maximum fitness. That kind of blew me away. A year isn't that long at all! We're a month in already and I can clearly feel myself and my cardio improving! And today I was sparring with a guy, dodging blows left and right, and he was impressed that I'd been there for just a month. I fucking love hearing stuff like that. I don't do it for the pat on the back, but it's nice to hear stuff like that.

The bunnies are lovely. Toilet training takes a bit of time, but it seems like the peeing will go smoothly. The pooping less so. It's a long term thing, teaching them these things. We also expanded their habitat a bit. We want to teach them to be free-roam bunnies. So I'll probably have to bunny-proof the living room one of these days. They're exhibiting behavior, like gnawing on their cage bars, that implies they don't have enough room. Though that could also just be the younger bunny being a young bunny. He's gotten wise that there's a pretty big world besides their little habitat and he's becoming quite the escape artist. Despite the effort and patience it all requires, it's a lovely experience. Those little floof-balls are adorable when they try to groom me or my SO. They constantly exhibit behavior that implies they're happy, relaxed and at ease with us. The younger boy seems to fully accept his new life. The older girl is a but more reluctant. But we have time 🙂 

 

Budget status: Nothing to report, just happy the month is over and Save-Tembre is here.

What did I read today: A bit about jeans.

My chore of the day: Cleaned the bunny habitat and did some laundry.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 4/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - SO does it today, I made a shitload of bolognaise yesterday.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Had boxing today, so this one is all good.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did the first bit and remembered the second bit last night.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 82. "Nightowl."

I'm spending the evening at the office. The doors close at 6 pm. But you can still exit. So I entered at 5:55 and ordered takeout. I'm excited to work late and hash out some story lines and cool characters. The bunnies had their first visit to the vet today. My SO is really stepping up her pet-owner responsibilities. It's nice to be able to rely so much on her like that.

I had a bit of a fight with some porn urges yesterday and the day before that. I saw a certain music video and it triggered all kinds of messes in my brain. I was reeling from it. But want to excel at boxing and wanting to finish my D&D-project took the upper hand.

I've got an ingrown toe nail. Ugh. Ffs. I had it take care of as much as possible, but it's kind of inflamed. They gave me some kind of patch or sticker that's glued onto my toenail now. It's got a metal wire in it that exerts upwards pull, like braces can push or pull your teeth. It's supposed to slowly fix it over the course of 6 months and protect me. If it doesn't work... I'd need to find a doctor to remove the entire toenail altogether. I've read that when black ops people torture victims for info, pulling out their nails is an efficient way of figuring out if their victim is the type to crack or not. The pain is said to be so terrible, they'll either talk after the first one. Or they're trained well and won't talk no matter how many you pull out. I just hope it heals on its own...

 

Budget status: Well, I got paid! Yay!

What did I read today: Nothing, I spent the day rather active and going from place to place. I didn't bring my book to the office.

My chore of the day: Wanted to clean some stuff, but SO took care of it.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 4/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - I'd have liked to make soup, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - I haven't drunk anything, but I'll be here for a while, so I'll make sure to compensate.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it last night and flossed today too.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 1. "Dammit."

Relapsed.. Dammit. Almost made it to 90 days. I was kind of in the zone too, writing days on end, making good progress. There's finishing up the simplified character sheets, prepping the encounters and writing up the main story lines and possible outcomes. Just a few days of work left. I guess I'm still as fragile as ever. I keep wondering what pushed me over the edge. There was this music video that kind of shocked me in how explicit it was and my curiosity just sent me spiraling again.

Then I wondered if there was some sort of underlying thing, something stressing me out and slowly bubbling up under the surface. And then I realized it's my dad. Last time I talked to my therapist, we only scratched the surface of the stuff about my dad and we didn't have the time to properly deal with it all. I think it's been messing me up more than I'd like to admit. Luckily I have two more therapy sessions this month and I'd like to get some clarity about it all. On top of this, my SO was away for a few days, on a trip with some friends. I'm a bit more loose when there's nobody to keep an eye on me.

Oh, I almost forgot! I had a corona-scare. I had been feeling a bit under the weather for a day or two and I needed a doctor's appointment. I had to cancel my boxing practice last minute to due feeling ill, so I needed my doc to write up something so I could get my money back for that boxing practice. The rule is that if you cancel last minute, they keep the amount you paid for that class. So it was just a formality. I wasn't even feeling that sick, just a bit off. Sick enough to prefer not to do a crazy workout. But the doc gave me a fucking corona-test. I just then realized I'd been away on vacation exactly two weeks earlier. We went to sauna's, to dinner, to so many places, ... What if I'd caught it?! I mean, the odds were pretty low in any case, but still. It was a pretty serious reality check. I cancelled my plans for the weekend as I waited for the results to come in...

I dodged a bullet there. Came out clean. Phew. Makes you realize that nowadays there's danger around every corner and that it's super important to both be careful about catching it but also taking care of your body to make sure that when you do get infected, you're strong and healthy enough to fight it off.

 

Budget status: Our household stuff is kind of break even. But this month is kind of dangerous for me. I got about 90 bucks to make the month. I could get a couple of hundred more, but I'd need to see some of my invoices paid for that...

What did I read today: Nothing. Dammit...

My chore of the day: Didn't really do anything since I was too distracted with work stuff and the to do list. The laundry and dishes are an eyesore, though.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 4/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - Just having salad today.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Not done.

-Drink enough water - First bottle and a half down, next ones incoming since I've got boxing praccy later today.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did the first bit, second bit will before I hit the hay.

  •  
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 4. "Sleep."

A bunch of government goons are outside working on the tram rails again. At night. With power tools... It's fucking up my sleep schedule so badly. Ugh. I think I got a herpes outbreak due to sleeping so badly. On the bright side, it does give me quasi all night to work on my D&D-stuff. I was hoping to finish up a bunch of stuff later tonight. 

The dad-stuff is still on my mind. I've got a therapy session tomorrow. I hope I can loosen a few knots so that it doesn't subtly dominate my mood. I really notice this is weighing down on me. I almost feel like I'm a bit sick or something.

I'm going for a run for the first time with a buddy! I made a friend a boxing! Well, I think. You don't make friends overnight, of course. But she seems nice and interesting. I'm happy that boxing is helping me expand my social circles a bit! (We ended up talking alot and agreeing to do this weekly. Cool! I made a friend!)

 

Budget status: Didn't do it.

What did I read today: Didn't do it.

My chore of the day: Didn't do it.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 5/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - Ordered fast food.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Didn't do it.

-Make the bed - Didn't do it.

-Drink enough water - Drank some but not a lot

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - First bit done, but was too lazy last night for the second bit. 😞 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 11. "Occasionally."

I've been meaning to do this diary every other day, but it seems my efforts to keep it up are waning. Mind you, I've been rather busy writing and working. I try to get a casting tape or answer an ad every day. And I'm almost done with my D&D-writing. Just some aesthetics to finish up and we're good to go. Then I'll start working on more coaching stuff like writing workshops... I'm kind of low on money and I feel like I'm working pretty hard. The money stuff is scary. 'Rona hit my sector pretty hard. It's stressing me out a bit, but I'm a feisty fucker. I just pretend it's a boxing opponent and then I remember that I'm the type that digs in their heels and doesn't give an inch and how proud and happy I am after a bout like that. I'm a fighter.

Therapy is going well. We talked a lot about my dad issues last time. We'll talk about my world views and philosophy next time, I think. He gave me two fictional scenarios last time that worked me up quite a bit. He told me to imagine a drunk or addicted uncle, not a very sociable person, who tends to causes ruckuses at family parties. Nobody really likes them there, except for the grandparent of the family. They're the one to invited said uncle. I responded by saying that it's a dumb situation. If everybody truly agrees that they don't like him, why is he there? Because they're genetically related? That's a bit silly, isn't it? It's cool to have family values and make efforts and be loyal to each other, but I don't see the situation improving. Why should an otherwise nice party or family gathering be ruined by somebody like that? I told my therapist I'd be the first to step up and kick them out. If the family agrees they're an asshole, if they all have to endure him but don't like him, why is he there? I just don't understand that. They can see the grandparent who likes them some other day. Needs of the many vs needs of the few. He gave me a similar situation where he made up a scenario about a neighborhood coming together and having a big party with all the families and new inhabitants. And again, there's this noisy and drunk neighbor. It was kind of the same thing.

The therapist asked me to figure out why I'd get so worked up about stuff like that. I think it's a combination of being a fighter for justice, not liking people standing up for themselves or daring to speak their mind (there's also a bit of me being bullied for a long time in there somewhere) and the fact that due to my parents' divorce and horrible teenage traumas I don't look at family ties as set in stone as some other do. Because of how casually my dad was able to leave us stranded, I guess somewhere inside I decided that families aren't that important to preserve. I choose to look at my social or family life as something that's optional, I can pick my friends can't I? So why can't I pick just about everybody I interact with? I don't throw people out just like that, I make proper efforts; I also don't deny the value of family. It's just that it sometimes seems so arbitrary to stick with family members you don't like or who's company you don't enjoy just because you share the same genes.

Aren't we getting a bit too old to be doing stuff we kind of don't want to? I mean, you could die tomorrow? So isn't it better to try and strive for a life where you do what you enjoy and hang out with who makes you laugh as often as possible?

 

Budget status: Done. 

What did I read today: Another page of my Gentleman-book. It's a bit of a chore with all the stress, I feel like I'd rather procrastinate doing my real work it seems...

My chore of the day: I vacuumed the entire place yesterday, did some dishes and ironed. I think I'm good for now 😉 

Anonymity editing of my diary: 5/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - There's leftovers.

-Daily Japanese lesson - I started doing it but felt like I wasn't having fun so I quit it.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Nailed it yesterday.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I do it daily more often than not, but I forgot yesterday. Work tends to suck me in.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 17. "30."

I'm turning 30 in a few hours. I've been stressed for a few weeks now, my business requires a lot of buildup. I'm happy to say I'm starting to see some results, but there's still some serious financial issues I have to keep an eye on. It's a lot of work and a lot lying in the scales. I had planned, last year even, to do a big party. I'd pool my money with 5 other friends all turning 30 this year too. But the virus kicked our plans in the teeth. It's even hard to visit family like my lovely grandma because there's such a risk involved. I know it's unlikely I have it, but if I do and I accidentally kill her, I'd never forgive myself for it. There's just so many things that are kind of a bummer. My 30th was supposed to be a big fireworks filled day. But if I hadn't purposefully stopped myself, I'd have just kept on working until midnight today. Luckily I decided that'd be madness and now I'm just going to eat chocolate, watch an emotional movie and have a G&T. I can't go out to my special spot in the park because it's raining outside. I'd like to wear my cool suit, but that's not really an outdoors outfit if I want to crawl through the woods. And I miss good whisky. I can't really afford a bottle right now. Hell, I can't even afford new sneakers! I train about 4 times a week and whenever I go running, I get blisters. Now my feet are kind of callousing over so it's cool; it hurts less. It just kind of sucks. I'm being smart and not spending anything that isn't really essential. So yay me! I'm playing the long game here. I'm not going to put myself in debt or anything. But it just kind of sucks. Sometimes life does suck. And that's ok.

I feel like I turned 30 last month, though. When I saw the results of the photo shoot, I felt so mature. Me in my snazzy bespoke suit. I looked so cool. I looked like the man I'd always wanted to become. And now I am that man! Save for finding a better working rhythm XD Work and private life still tend to flow into one another a bit. But I've learned today that I have a habit of choosing to not work and do my chores instead. I'm going to try and to what I planned first, because that's the truly important stuff! Then everything else can come when I'm done. Like emails, choring, cooking and cleaning, social media, ...

To quote one of my favorite Blink-182 songs: "Well I guess this is growing up."

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 21. "Stretched thin."

Well, it felt like I celebrated my birthday for three whole days. My SO took me to a B&B that had a jacuzzi and a great pool. We had a fancy dinner together and slept amazingly. The bed and the pillows were so fluffy! No phone, no computer. A whole two days offline almost. The next day I spent a lot of time eating yummy stuff and watching the whole LOTR-trilogy. Then I was supposed to go to my grandma's. She'd made meatloaf for me. But it was a surprise party! The sly motherfuckers pulled a fast one over me! I didn't see it coming!! I was dressed horribly, hahaha. My whole family was there. My sneaky SO had helped arrange it all. I was so happy. Great times.

But on the other hand, I've been feeling off for a week or three now. I started to notice that trainings were beginning to feel harder, I'd be recovering more slowly too. I'd sleep more, way more. And then it hit me. I'm stressed. I'm working through some big issues with my therapist concerning my dad and my sister. It's normal that stuff that heavy would have an impact on me during the weekdays. I try to not worry too much about that though, there's allocated time for that during therapy. The big thing is work and money, I think. I'm really going paycheck to paycheck and it's stressy. I keep worrying if I'd make it or not. And the only way to alleviate it, is to work harder or smarter and get more results. I get an unemployment check each month but it just covers my usual expenses. Friends want to go out, SO wants to go out, wants to buy stuff or fancier groceries. I keep having to say no all the time to cool shit. If I'd be alone, I could maintain a Spartan lifestyle and it'd be cool. But it's not just me anymore. I have others in my life too, like my SO. So having a healthy financial life is important. I can get back a part of the expenses I rack up, but only if I made enough profits. And I'm simply not making a lot of money. It's only now starting to slowly develop. So I want to boost that and work harder and more. But it's a gradual process and I'm still learning a lot. So I can't help but go forwards slowly. It's hard not to get stressed because of the money and work and pressure... I sometimes worry that I'm in over my head. I then figure I'd just work harder and more, I'm 30 not 60. I can power through a tough month with a bit of grit and elbow grease! But I'm already a bit low on energy because of the stress. So I then fill up my schedule, but it gets a bit too full, I get distracted or the household becomes a priority. When I'm stressed, I start cleaning. Weird thing I do... And then there's my SO's driving exam in a week or two. It's just all a little much, you know.

I'm low on energy, and trying to solve this equation or puzzle takes energy. I should probably just work from 10 to 7 or something, 5 days a week. Maybe I'll put something in the books to fit my schedule to a more rigid, but more healthy or smart schedule. Djeezes christ. Adulting is hard.

 

Budget status: Done.

What did I read today: The last bit about suits and blazes. Now onto shoes.

My chore of the day: I'm going to do some dishes.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 5/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - SO is cooking today.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Filled up my first bottle of the day.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done. Usually this goes well.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 9/27/2020 at 7:09 AM, Phoenixking said:

And the only way to alleviate it, is to work harder or smarter and get more results.

 

On 9/27/2020 at 7:09 AM, Phoenixking said:

Friends want to go out, SO wants to go out, wants to buy stuff or fancier groceries.

Sounds tough. Everywhere are the addictions and the people compelled to spend money to follow those addictions. Just remember that when your enegy reaches zero - then you become sick and then it gets really expensive. That's what happened to my grandfather and he died.

Cutting back on expenses may offend the people around you, but that's just something a man has got to do. You can also ask for help. From who? I'm not sure but there's got to be someone near who can help you lighten the load. There usually is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 23. "Work in progress."

My therapist unearthed some crazy shit. I agreed to write my sister and my dad a letter. Both to get all of my feelings and thought out and to structure them a little; it's got an extra benefit in that they can open and read it when they're properly ready for it. On top of that, I learned that there's vengeance in me. I want to hurt my dad. Physically, mentally, emotionally, ... I mean, that's pretty normal because of the circumstances. But it's eerie to come to that insight. I consider myself a cheery and warm person in general. I choose to be somebody who listens to love and not hate. Hate ruins you, makes you an angry or bitter person. I don't want to have any hate in my psyche at all. But it's there. I feel so tainted. Like there's this glob of black mud or molasses swishing around inside my veins, clogging me up. It's called cognitive dissonance. When your feelings, values or behaviors aren't in line with each other. I'm glad it was spoken aloud. But it's uncomfortable to acknowledge it.

Work's going a bit better. I adapted my schedule. I now have actual working hours and two days off per week. Way healthier.

 

Budget status: Done. Looks like I broke my own record for amount of required entries this month. That means I didn't spend much. Yay!

What did I read today: A bit about shoes.

My chore of the day: Dishes and taking care of the bunnies.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 5/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - SO made dinner.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done! 

-Make the bed - Done!

-Drink enough water - Doing really well today!

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done. All good here.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

My therapist unearthed some crazy shit. I agreed to write my sister and my dad a letter. Both to get all of my feelings and thought out and to structure them a little; it's got an extra benefit in that they can open and read it when they're properly ready for it. On top of that, I learned that there's vengeance in me. I want to hurt my dad. Physically, mentally, emotionally, ... I mean, that's pretty normal because of the circumstances. But it's eerie to come to that insight. I consider myself a cheery and warm person in general. I choose to be somebody who listens to love and not hate. Hate ruins you, makes you an angry or bitter person. I don't want to have any hate in my psyche at all. But it's there. I feel so tainted. Like there's this glob of black mud or molasses swishing around inside my veins, clogging me up. It's called cognitive dissonance. When your feelings, values or behaviors aren't in line with each other. I'm glad it was spoken aloud. But it's uncomfortable to acknowledge it.

I think your hate isn't something to be ashamed of, if your father left your family when you were young and added to the fact you got addicted to gaming. At least you know what to avoid. It'd be naive to think we can love everyone and everything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Phoenixking I had the same problem with hate towards my father. 2 and a half years ago I moved away from him after an argument in which he insulted me and my mother. Even 2 month away I was still having dreams in which I hurt or killed him in total rage. So I spent the next month trying to learn what forgiveness is and how can I forgive him, and then I met him face to face and said I forgive everything and it was a turning point in our relationship for the better.

Edited by gargamel
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think your hate isn't something to be ashamed of, if your father left your family when you were young and added to the fact you got addicted to gaming. At least you know what to avoid. It'd be naive to think we can love everyone and everything.

Yeah, I agree. Lots of issues of mine (and my sister's) can be easily traced back to him leaving and his ensuing shenanigans. It's super normal to be angry or vengeful. It's just that I've always convinced myself not to give in to that. Hate and love are wolves that live inside of us and the one that grows in the one you feed. I try my best to be a warm, loving and kind dude. To suddenly irrevocably realize that there's hatred in me is a bit rough. Whether the hatred is understandable or not.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

@Phoenixking I had the same problem with hate towards my father. 2 and a half years ago I moved away from him after an argument in which he insulted me and my mother. Even 2 month away I was still having dreams in which I hurt or killed him in total rage. So I spent the next month trying to learn what forgiveness is and how can I forgive him, and then I met him face to face and said I forgive everything and it was a turning point in our relationship for the better.

How the ever flying fuck did you manage that? How did you learn to let that go? And what changed?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 24. "Teacher."

Today is going to be a productive day! My SO is away to her main branch office instead of working from home. She's going to be working from our living room until March. Yikes! My focus is really lowered if she's around... I need a bit of peace and quiet so my chaotic mind doesn't wander. But I'm home alone now!

I've found a company that hires freelancers to coach kids and young adults in their studies. It's not exactly what I want to do with my business, but it's money. And it's experience working with people. I need a steady flow of customers and income and I feel it's a good place to start. It's so weird because though I'm coaching, it feels like I'm teaching. Most of the kids seems okay in terms of intelligence, it's just that life dealt them crappy cards. It's a great way to brush up my communication skills too. And there's opportunities in the company for me too! Writing and teaching educational camps or seminars in summers. I'm excited! There's even a reception tomorrow evening to start the new school year off well and I'm invited!

Yesterday boxing was madness. Super rough shit. But I made another friend! I'm fucking 30 and making new friends, how crazy is that? He's convinced me to attend more classes. I totally want to up my game and match up with him. He's ahead of me quite a bit but he managed to get to intermediate level in 6-8 months. So I have about half a year left to keep up the pace with him and get to the next level. I'm considering changing out one of my 7k runs with a Drill Sergeant class. That's when they scream at you for about an hour to go faster and set up some kind of course with bikes, weights, machines, balls and other fun stuff. Honestly, it looks hilarious and fun. I like that I'm getting more into it. I love getting fit and that endorphin hit you get afterwards is golden. It's like a warm blanket falling over me on the bike ride home. 

 

Budget status: Just did the budget thing yesterday, so all good.

What did I read today: A bit about custom shoes.

My chore of the day: Taking care of the bunnies and cooking food later today. Also took care of the trash.

Anonymity editing of my diary: 6/32

 

Maintained habits:

-Prep food - I'll make dinner in a few hours.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - First bottle down, next coming up.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done 🙂 

  •  
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...