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Maintenance of the PhoenixKing


Phoenixking
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As a dessert guy I'm just gonna leave this link here as another one of my motivations for cast iron. We have made this twice and dear lord it's the best. I'm a crunchy person so my wife eats the gooey center and I love the cooked sides. https://www.justataste.com/ultimate-skillet-chocolate-chip-cookie-recipe also if you like watching YouTube Cowboy Kent Rollins is probably my favorite because growing up in the south (Texas) I relate to a lot of his food. But if your interested in cast iron he goes step by step on how to take care of and manage a cast iron pan. Once you get one going and take care of it they last forever and become more non stick along the way. 

I need to up my breakfast game I like doing egg on toast, homemade hash browns and some sausages. I want to learn how to make boudin kolaches they are so good. 

Man after playing one or two rounds of shogi I had to watch some videos over the game. I have chess down in my head but you have to take such a non traditional way of thinking when it comes to the game. 

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Detox day 3 "Beacon of health. Fuck me, right? " 

So yesterday the results of the blood tests came back. I'm beaming with health... Huzzah... I was so prepped to hear some kind of horrible difficult to pronounce bacteria was eating away at my joints. But no. Nothing. Mechanically, I'm all there. No fractures, bones, tears or misplaced shards of bone. My knee should work perfectly on paper. He went all out too. Kidneys, blood plates, white bloodcell count, ... I'm totally healthy, it seems. Neurologically nothing wrong either. So he's sending me to a team of specialists at the local teaching hospital. I got an appointment next week...

So in the mean time he got me some painkillers and some secondary meds to combat the side-effects of the painkillers. Today I even got some acupuncture done. Fascinating experience. But all of it is just fighting the symptoms. I think I want a sharp-minded physical therapist to give me some exercises. I think that's why I relapsed. I had no control over the situation, over anything. But if I were to get some exercises I need to do daily, I'd have something to say about how quick I'd recover.

I had a meeting with my Starterslab-coach yesterday. Great lady, that Emma. No bullshit, able to handle all of my personality facets, seems like a great fit for me. I told her what I needed, what I wanted to achieve and what my traps are, my possible pitfalls. It's not going to be about willingness to work, it's more about planning, strategy and deadlines. I work great under pressure but can't see the little picture. I can see the big picture and can voice my 5 year ambitions. But I have a terrible time figuring out what I'll do next month do get there. So I'm making a business planning for this summer. It's due the end of the month so it'll start on the 1st of July. I can choose the type: bullet points, daily tasks, weekly goals, whatever...  And I can mail her for whatever and should update her. I should also pop in once a month, either for an actual talk with her or for collaborations with other entrepreneurs or extra classes. And she advised me to take a good hard look at the leg situation, because it might be smarter to freeze the Starterslab stuff until I'm better. There's a time limit, you see. I get 18 months of help and that's it. If I'm limited because of the legs and that takes a month off of it, that'd be a shame because I still have a long ways to go. 

I also got some more insight in my confidence as a coach. There is little. I'm rather confident as an actor or speaker (though I should learn to exude a bit more calm, I can be a bit much), but going from my planning, how I talk about coaching and my business and my focus on educating myself and gathering credibility, it seems like I don't believe in it myself yet. Despite being really good at what I do. So we'll have to work on that a bit too. Why would a customer believe in my services and pay my fees if I'm not fully standing behind those myself?

 

Recent highlight: Relaxing during acupuncture. Whether it works or not, your body can only handle one single pain stimulus. Having 10 needles in me made me not feel my aching knees for a bit and that was a breathe of fresh air.

Budget status: The paperwork's finally been accepted. Finally! I had to draw money from our joint household account to pay the acupuncturist because I'm broke and unwilling to use my savings account. The unemployment money should come in soon.

My one goal for the next 24h: I'd already made a first move to get my tattoo. I'm getting an actual Phoenix with a crown done on my back. It's going to cost some money but it'll be worth it. I'll also have to wait a loooooong time. Great artists are booked months or years in advance so I figured I might as well start if I'm going to challenge myself to last 300 days! I've also set my eyes on finished up a profile on a voice-over booking site. Can't hurt, right?

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's A Pitch.

My chore of the day: Nothing much, honestly. Kind of can't walk...

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: I'll make a voice-acting profile on the booker's site and look into what type of planning I'll use for this summer.

What did I post on social media: Pics on my stories of the acupuncture. It looked so cool. I felt like a pin cushion!

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done.

-Prep food - Probably will stay in bed all day.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - On my way!

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Brushed them this morning but it's hard to stand up long enough to flos and clean since I need the mirror.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - There's nothing really nice to drink anyways. But I do drink more often nowadays. The knees hurt less when I do and I'm sometimes a bit desperate for relief. Also because of increased stress since it's hard to relieve that too.

-Meditation - Can't really get to the park since I can't get a wheelchair, so this is on hold too.

-Exercise once this week - I think I should avoid it as much as possible, LOL.

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On 6/12/2020 at 7:17 AM, Tzen1 said:

As a dessert guy I'm just gonna leave this link here as another one of my motivations for cast iron. We have made this twice and dear lord it's the best. I'm a crunchy person so my wife eats the gooey center and I love the cooked sides. https://www.justataste.com/ultimate-skillet-chocolate-chip-cookie-recipe also if you like watching YouTube Cowboy Kent Rollins is probably my favorite because growing up in the south (Texas) I relate to a lot of his food. But if your interested in cast iron he goes step by step on how to take care of and manage a cast iron pan. Once you get one going and take care of it they last forever and become more non stick along the way. 

I need to up my breakfast game I like doing egg on toast, homemade hash browns and some sausages. I want to learn how to make boudin kolaches they are so good. 

Man after playing one or two rounds of shogi I had to watch some videos over the game. I have chess down in my head but you have to take such a non traditional way of thinking when it comes to the game. 

Oh cool! That seems amazing! 😄 I saved the recipe. I'll try 

I've never heard of those. We have like sausage bread, so it's similar. But they look amazing and really tasty from what I can find online. 

I tried it last night. Indeed a totally different strategy from basic chess. Ever played Chess960? It's where they randomize the positions of the knights, rooks and bishops. Very cool!

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I am glad you found some relief with acupuncture. It definitely is a very different experience. I had my first acupuncture 2 weeks ago and had an out of body experience.  It was like my spirit was floating on water, and my body was floating above me. But, it provided a ton of relief. 
 

I hope you are able to get to the cause of the pain and get some relief soon. 
 

Have a beautiful day.

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Detox day 4 "Right, that's it! Get your pitchforks and torches..." 

I finally got some fire back into my belly. Some will to fight. I'm going all out. Asking every opinion of everybody who seems capable. Monday I'll get a doctor but a younger one. Mine was old this time (I say this time because I go to a practice with several different doctors and my regular one was not available) so they're less inclined to be young and willing to dig for the cause. I'm going to ask for tests for Covid, MS, Lyme's disease, ... All sorts of farfetched stuff. I'm also getting some CBD-oil to manage the pain. And I'm getting that fucking wheelchair anyway. I sit down every single day anyways. Might as well sit down and not use my knees but roll around in the park I so dearly miss! I've got enough buddies who're willing to push me around, hahaha. I've also found an alternative healer or two and to top it all off... A buddy of mine is a parcours athlete, built like an Adonis-statue. He gave me the info of a posturologist and fascia therapist. From what I gather it's somebody who's skilled at tracking where pain is coming from in terms of muscle chains, connected joints and sinews, and so on... Made an appointment. I'm no longer careful. I don't care. If I am to find 1 person who finds out what it is, I'll have to ask 10 or 20 to find'm.

Even though my energy is up a bit, I'm still struggling like crazy. I have no way to get relief. There's no real position to lie or sit in that makes the knees feel okay. There's not a second without any pain. Because of the painkillers, my stomach is rather fragile so I can't have any alcohol, greasy food or spicy things. Because of the knees I can't work out in any way or go to the park to enjoy the nature and quiet. Because of the knees I can't even have sex because there's no type of movement that allows for me to no have pain. I've now quit games and porn again. So all in all, it's safe to say I crave some way to get some release. I can't have any of the fun stuff. A lot of this nasty situation is out of my control. I'm proud to be clean again. But I'm afraid for how long it will last...

I was advised by my coach to not be afraid to pause my Starterslab stuff and fall back on our healthcare system for a month... I don't like that idea. But it's true. Even if somebody figures it out, miraculously, I'll never recover from not being able to walk in just a day or a week. We're looking at a long recovery here...

I had a long talk with my SO. She's burning up. She can't take care of me and the household and also do her job. It's driving her nuts. She was thinking of going home to her parents for a few weeks. I understand, though. Don't judge her too harshly. She's dealing with burnout symptoms too and is still learning how to set boundaries with people. She allows her job to rule her life because she's so eager to help out everybody. You can't help anyone, including a crippled SO in this case, if your own batteries are empty. If a plane crashes, you're supposed to give yourself the oxygen mask first, and then help others. But I obviously couldn't help feeling abandoned. I don't understand how she cannot see something like that as a huge signal that there's something very wrong with her life, her level of energy and her priorities... I'm slowly growing more confident that she needs to hit some kind of rock bottom before she wakes up and tries to improve everything. A part of me has already decided to make sure I don't need her help for anything as much as possible, because it seems she's just a bit too unreliable. I'm a tough cookie, I've been through worse than this, I'm a fighter. If I were single, I'd figure out some way to make this work. So I can also do that now and see her help as something extra, like gravy. But I very much acknowledge that in that aspect, she's failing me miserably as a partner. In the end, after a long talk, and me explaining to her that I'd understand but also mentioning that I'd feel like she'd fail me, she decided to stay.

I feel very ambiguous about it all. Partially because I need her to step up and help me and she's not doing that. But also because she's so burnt out that she couldn't even if she wanted to. She found a psychologist that seems to fit what she needs. Let's hope that would bring her some solace. I don't want to pressure her too much. But I don't see a future for us if this keeps up. I'm a patient, kind and understanding person on these matters. But there are limits to which my patience is able to extend. I'd prefer it if we don't find those...

I also just realized a neighbor of mine smokes weed. Or at least their place smells like it. It might be a bit weird, but at this point I'll try anything. I'm considering sending the SO over to explain the situation and ask for some. I don't mind paying for a rolled joint or paying by inviting them to dinner or making them ridiculously tasty brownies or something. That'd be a hilarious trade off.

 

Recent highlight: Having my buddy come over to hang out, distract me from the pain and shoot the shit for a few hours.

Budget status: Nothing to report, still waiting for the cashola.

My one goal for the next 24h: My SO is leaving for her friends tomorrow to hang out. So I guess the goal is to 'survive' alone, hahaha. I'll just have her park my book, laptop and charger and anything I might need next to me on the sofa and I think I'll just watch movies and read and stuff.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's a Pitch. I'm near the halfway mark now. 

My chore of the day: Nothing specific. Although my buddy did do some of the dishes for me. What a class act.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: I guess this is on pause for now and it might be for a while, sadly...

What did I post on social media: I'm still contemplating if it's smart to talk about my legs online or not. In terms of business, I don't want to be perceived as weak. All my friends and relatives know and I get messages daily so that's enough support for me tbh.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - SO did it.

-Prep food - Went out for dinner with inlaws.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - I drink water daily, but still not the 'required' amount.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Brushing them daily is not the issue, it's hard to floss and clean because I kind of need a mirror. I'll never take being able to stand or walk for granted ever again.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Can't drink anymore because of the meds. So I guess that's possible. Though I'd kill for a beer or two. The stress relief and muscles relaxing...

-Meditation - I think that I'll hit the park as soon as I get some wheels under my butt.

-Exercise once this week - I have 2 tiny dumbbells of 1KG I something play around with. 

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Detox day 5 "Home alone." 

Went to dinner with my SO, her sister and their parents. Super nice people. I feel really at home. Their relationship varies greatly from what I'm used to with my own parents. For example, I have no shame around my sister or mom. Any conversation topic is fair game. I don't have a lot of shame in general. But my SO would rather commit honorable suicide before she tarnishes herself by talking about sex with her parents. She's a tad weird about it and rather insecure about her body too. I don't see any reason why you should be, we all have the same dangly bits.  And why would you have to be embarrassed about anything at all around your parents? They're supposed to love you unconditionally! We had a fight later that night about that. I eventually admitted that even though I had good intentions by wanting to break their taboo, it's not my place to do so. It's not actually my family. Who am I to want to change their dynamic, even if I think that'd be for the better. On top of it, it was kind of by accident. I was venting the many frustrations I'm going through, among many things the inability to have sex or do just about anything that lets me blow off some steam. I apologized and conceded.

We also fought over her being there for me. She's stepped up a bit more. She's arranged for a wheelchair, her dad took a second look at my blood results (he works as a lab tech in a hospital), cleaned the place when my buddy was inbound. I snapped at her for not getting me my pain meds when I was struggling. She's basically on call for a whole month and seems to be always working despite her burnout stuff. She reasons that she loves her job and that people need her help and there was an emergency. I claimed that I was next to her, in pain and needed some meds. Something that takes 10 seconds. Unless there's somebody dying at the other end of her phone, her priorities were mismatched. She has a bad rep when it comes to protecting herself and drawing lines in the sand, she easily gets taken advantage of. So it's hard for me to trust and believe her judgement is sound for when she's actually required to devote unrelenting attention to something. She can sometimes spend 4 hours over 1 email because of her perfectionism and I'm fairly confident she's done a looooot of unpaid overtime. I feel like the company is just cleaning her out as much as they can because she wouldn't put up a fight when they ask too much of her. But I can't be truly sure of that. I have my 'worried'-goggles on so my vision is skewed.

I'll just have to trust her judgement. Something that seems hard for me to accomplish. It's something I can't exert any control over and I guess that scares me. It's because of games. Games gave me control over a reality with specific rules and goals, it was all cristal clear to me and I was good at it.  Same thing with this insurmountable pressure I put on myself and sadly my environment and SO. That's very messed up of me. I'm sure it's because I spent so much time gaming and running away from problems that I blame myself for the lost potential and time. So I believe I HAVE TO make the most of every second to make sure I don't waste any more time. But I used games as a survival mechanism, to cope with trauma. I had no other way, I was just a lost kid. But I guess I'm not able to forgive myself for that just yet. My SO and I are seeing my former addiction counselor soon. Initially to help my SO learn more on what to do and how to behave when I'm in trouble or relapsing. But I guess now that I've realized the above, he'd be the perfect person to ask how to start forgiving yourself for the lost time.

 

Recent highlight: Watching The Titan Games on Netflix, I love every episode and just watched the finale.

Budget status: Nothing to report, still waiting on some money. I'll get a doctor's appointment tomorrow and ask her to put me on sick leave. It'll freeze my Starterslab progress so I won't lose any time. But my monthly income will decrease a bit, I believe. Still, I'll need the time to learn how to walk again instead of being able to pour that into the business. I don't want to lose any momentum, though. But I have to set my priorities to my health right now. The sooner I recover, the better and the more I work on that the quicker I'll get healthy again.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get my wheelchair, go shopping and hit the park. Get a doctor's appointment and ask them to test for obscure shit. I don't care that I am seeing a knee-specialist team on Thursday. It's not as if they're going to miraculously find what's ailing me on day 1. So I might as well bet on multiple horses in case they don't find anything either. I'm having them test for MS, sarcoïdosis and other crazy s;tuff like checking my back or getting a CT to see if there's nerve damage or something with my back.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's A Pitch, this time about the transfer of power.

My chore of the day: Nothing really. Just make as little mess as I can.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: I'm going to apply for a position at a tv program. I know it's a very high-stress environment, but I think it might be good for my career. There's a low chance I'll get in anyways since there'll be hundreds of applicants. Also did some emails, but no 2 hours today either. Depending on my recovery and speed, I'm considering just going into the shared offices of Starterslab and working for 4 hours there daily. That should give me a significant increase in productivity and I'll feel a bit better too.

What did I post on social media: Posted a picture of a scrumptious cookie and a message claiming that I'm doing badly, I'm in pain and there's not really anything to look forward to but that at least I have this fucking amazing cookie and that I'm going to enjoy the bloody fuck out of it. I got a lot of supporting responses and it kind of made me feel a bit better.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - I DID IT MYSELF. HOLY FUCK. I walked to the bathroom and back with no crutches and it didn't hurt like it did before! I did the same once or twice to the oven. Am I getting better on my own? In any case, I'll give my legs a couple of minute to recover, they obviously still ache and stuff. I shouldn't over do it, but I'd like to prune my plants a bit ... I might consider getting back up and walking over there, it's only a few paces and I can sit down while doing it. THIS IS HUGE.

-Prep food - SO put a pizza in the over to heat up before she left.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done!

-Make the bed - Still doing it daily, despite the knees.

-Drink enough water - I drink water daily, just not hitting the mark just yet. I think if I were in a more controllable environment or if I could use my legs, it'd be better.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I think this'll be the last thing I'll do today, do my teeth and shower.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Can't drink on my meds.

-Meditation - As soon as I get my wheelchair, I'm headed for both the park and the DIY-store to go and get my plants some new pots, soil and food.

-Exercise once this week - Can't really do anything for now.

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Detox day 6 "Wheels." 

Well, there's been some changes. First of all, yesterday while home alone, I decided I'd experiment. It started slowly. The over in about 6 feet away from the couch. I'd need both my hands for my pizza, cutting it, getting a plate and so on so I ditched the crutches to get over there. It wasn't ready so I had to give it another 5 minutes before I did the same maneuver again. After I say down, I realized that I didn't have any pain. I'd done a few feet with no crutches and no pain... I'm stupid and ambitious, of course. So I did it again, a longer distance this time. I got to the bathroom and back, again without crutches. And again with no pain.

I was elated but also horribly confused. How?! How could this be? Is it the heat of my laptop on my lap? Is it because I'd been sitting down all day already? Is it the anti-inflammatory meds that decided to kick in after 3 days? Or is all of it psycho-somatic?

I was so happy, I walked towards my potted plants and started taking care of them and pruning them with some clippers while I sat next to them.

When I was done and sat back down, it started to hurt again, but less than usual. Am I getting better?! And if so, why and how?!

I got some wheels this morning. The idea is that I'll only use the wheelchair to do big stuff my legs can't handle. Walks in the park. Parties or dinner or dates. Groceries shopping... It's granted me some of my freedom back. I'm so happy. I have way more mental energy now! My SO and I agreed to not use it indoors. Apart from it being huge and crude, it seems my legs are on the mend and I should not use the wheelchair as often as I could.

SO stepped up her game a bit too. She devoted herself to me and the household the entire morning. I'm a lucky man.

 

Recent highlight: Rolling around in my wheelchair for the first time. Everybody was so quick to help and super friendly.

Budget status: Suck that I have to pay back my prison job about 650 bucks. For paperwork reasons. I knew it was coming, it just sucks. I hope I get paid soon. Because of today's progress, I'm still not sure about getting a month's sick leave. That money would be even lower, I fear and I'd rather just recover quickly. Hence why I'm going both Western and alternative medicine plus the CBD and wheelchair. I'm using 10 different methods, doctors and solutions at the same time. I refuse to be a victim.

My one goal for the next 24h: Finish an email I'd been meaning to write. There's an opening at a tv show I like. I'm not sure if I could combine it with my current business or not; but it could open doors. I'm not super confident about it all. But I fear I might regret not dropping my name in the hat. You never know, something good might come of it, right?

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's a Pitch, about the similarities of business and life, firms and families.

My chore of the day: Helped out with collecting groceries.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: It's probably not going to be 2 hours again today. But now that I got the chair, I can go to the co-working space. As soon as I get paid, I'm arranging it! 

What did I post on social media: a pic on my IG Story of me in a wheelchair and one of my CBD-oil. I wonder if the stuff'll help me out.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - On my way.

-Prep food - Going to help the SO do food prepping for veggie meals this week

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done, Elevate too and my buddy is dropping by tonight to play chess IRL. Yay! I'm totally hell bent on kicking his ass!

-Make the bed - On my way.

-Drink enough water - On my way to get halfway there, at least! But it's a tad harder nowadays to fill the water jug.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - On my way.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Can't really drink in my condition because of the meds, so no sweat.

-Meditation - I feel like I should go to the park sometime soon.

-Exercise once this week - My shoulders are sore from the wheelchair. I'll see a posturologist soon too. I'm curious what they'll do to me. 

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Detox day 7 "CBD." 

So yesterday my buddy came over with a proper chess set. I won twice and lost once. I'm getting better at this, I enjoy it. But it's pretty hard sometimes too.

I bought some CBD-oil for the first time and the salesman told me to use 8 drops a day, all under my tongue, to use in the morning. I got the 10% stuff so it's strong but not overpowering. I took'm all eight, in combination with the meds I'd taken a lot earlier that day. It wasn't until after that I realized that may not have been wise. I visited the pharmacist to ask about what CBD can interact with and how I should dose it. All due respect to the CBD dude, he's a salesman, not a medical professional. The pharmacist or the doctor didn't really know. I ended up finding some papers online about which side-effects CDB can have when combined with certains meds, mine are okay. But if you're on stuff that's for your kidneys, liver or like something like a blood thinner, you better watch out. I feel like the CBD-dude should warn people about that... The doc was okay with me changing it up, it seemed, but not okay with combining. He reasoned if I did that and the pain went away, we wouldn't know for sure which did the trick. I know that the painkillers fuck up my stomach a lot and I need to take more pills to counteract that, but they do kind of work. There's less pain and I could walk a bit on my own on day 3. So today I quit those and am switching over to CBD fully. The 8 drops at a time was a bit much for me, I felt light headed. So my mom, a nurse, advised me to look for advice from Dutch medical sites. They've been using medical weed for waaaay longer. That taught me you need 4 moments of use per day, and to find your sweet spot. Because of your pain, body weight, height, and so on your correct dosage may vary. So I'm supposed to use 1 drop every 4-5 hours, so I take 4 in total on a regular day. And then do that for a while to see if anything changes. If not, I'm doubling it to reach 8 daily drops, spread across increments of 4 hours. Let's hope it works. CBD is way more expensive, my pills cost me about 5 bucks for a few weeks (thank you healthcare) but the CBD is like 70 for a dropper. I'm not even sure how long I can use the dropper for. But if I can dodge the stomach issues that way, I'd be glad to. 

I'm visiting the hospital tomorrow, physical therapy department. They'll take a look at my knees. They could figure it out instantly, order more tests or take weeks or longer to figure it out, who knows? Whatever they say or do tomorrow, will determine the next weeks. I might say fuck it, and order far-fetched and obscure tests and ask my doc for a month of sick leave, pausing my business for a while and slashing my income. I might see the acupuncturist again, my cousin who's a chiropractor and physical therapist or I might just bite down hard and take it all like a badass if the doctors suggest some form of exercise or medication. A friend of mine aptly put that my knees had rusted over because of the lack of exercise.

 

Recent highlight: Seeing the trailer for the new season of 'Dark' on Netflix. I fucking love complex time travel shit.

Budget status: Well, I have about 650 I should be paying to my prison job. I'd rather not touch my savings. I convinced them, because of the knees and the wheelchair (I'm using the sympathy card soooooo hard right now), I have a hard time paying some bills. So they gave me leeway and told me to pay it whenever I can, no deadline. Such great people. Where can you nowadays find employment like that? Also I got paid! Yes! I am going to make it through the month and I was able to patch the holy in my savings!

My one goal for the next 24h: Meal prep with my SO and FINALLY finish the mail I've been constructing to apply for the tv program job.

What did I read today: Another chapter of "Life's A Pitch", about how there are numerous pitches in daily life.

My chore of the day: Can't really do anything right now.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: After tomorrow I'll know more. I'd like to get started on planning out my summer though. And paying the bills for the co-working space and my business coach... Ugh. Bills...

What did I post on social media: A pic of me in a wheelchair on LinkedIn, with a comment about how slow progress is still progress and that if you fall down 1000 times, you get back up 1001 times.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Well, it's raining outside, so I don't have to do those!

-Prep food - Later today, I'm doing food prepping with the SO.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done!

-Make the bed - SO occupied the bed for today to get some space.

-Drink enough water - Today is a good day in terms of drinking water.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I really need to do this twice a day, my breath reeks. But it's rather hard if you can't stand XD AND I need a shower!

-Less daydrinking at home alone - If the CBD actually works, I could have a beer here and there. Here's to hoping!

-Meditation - The weather is kind of crappy right now, but I'm sure I could convince my SO to go to the park or the DIY-store with me at some point. 

-Exercise once this week - I try to move around the house without the crutches, but it sometimes still aches. We'll see what the hospital brings tomorrow morning.

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Detox day 9 "Slog." 

Yesterday was arguably one of the worst days for me and my SO. We slogged through it, more like kept dragging the other forwards, leaving none behind, but we made it.

It started with having to leave to the hospital. I was going to see a physical therapy specialist. I'd already feared they wouldn't really find anything and I'd be confined to the wheelchair even longer. It's horrible never hearing anybody figuring out what's wrong with the knees. I hate being crippled and handicapped like this. She dragged me and my wheelchair to the car and had a hard time putting it in the trunk. She's rather petite. And then the car didn't start.

Apparently she forgot to kill the headlights last time and the batteries ran dry. We have coverage for stuff like this, but it takes anywhere from 30-60 minutes to get a guy to come over, time we didn't have because we had to make it to the hospital. We decided to try and use the public transportation to make it in time. After all, there's a tram and bus stop next to the hospital since it's just out of the city center. We'd get some guy to come over to jump start things later. First things first. But dragging and pushing a dude in a wheelchair is rather difficult. Roads with cracks and tram track running through them, high sidewalks that slope sideways and pedestrian crossings without anything built like ramps for the handicapped. It took quite an effort to get to the nearest tram stop. We tried figuring out how to get to the hospital while we ran. Well, I sat and she ran. Her phone's internet was on the fritz and I didn't have any apps for public transport because I loathe it and never use it. I love my car, my bike and my legs. Public transport is overpriced and often confusing or late, I don't like it, never have. We ended up stressing a lot and made a mistake. We got on the wrong tram line. Well, it was the right line but the wrong direction. We paid for tickets already, though. So a few bucks down the drain and another 15 minutes of lost time. All the while I'm on the phone, trying to call the hospital to let them know I'd be a bit later because it's so fucking hard to maneuver a wheelchair through the city center. I'm on hold most of the time.

In the end, my SO called a cab that appeared within 10 minutes. We didn't know at that time if our tardiness fucked up the appointment or not, the SO didn't mention my wheelchair to the cab company so we were afraid something like a standard sedan would show up and that the hospital would reschedule us for another day. But we got lucky. A big minivan and a friendly cab driver took us. We were so relieved. No dragging and shoving anymore.

But the specialist didn't have any answers. At the point of arrival, I was already in pain. I'd left my CBD oil at home because I couldn't predict we'd be gone for so long, I was due for another dose. I had to stand up a lot for the x-rays they took. But they turned out to be inconclusive. Another clean bill of health, nothing wrong with muscles, bones, knees or my posture. I amped up the pressure. I am no victim. This dude works in a department of a renowned hospital that's known for being great at figuring out knees. I didn't back down and did not accept him. I made it clear I was a spry 29-year old and that I'm now in a wheelchair. How is it possible that no scan or test can explain it? I demanded to see his team, his boss or the local genius. I got an appointment with the doctor's professor and head of department. He told me that dude had seen éverything. But he's on holiday so we have to wait until fucking AUGUST.

I kept on the pressure. I got him to make a few calls and got me an appointment with a great physical therapist next week to start exercises on how to walk again. The doctor made a comment about my psyche. How it could be perfectly valid, and he was right about this, that my issues are psycho-somatic. Stress or different emotional factors could translate emotional problems into tangible pain. That's true. But my depressions and suicide attempts are long behind me. I've been okay for a few years now. And though the addiction is indeed an issue, it's more like a bad coping mechanism that I sometimes relapse into rather than a daily recurring issue I need to combat and address. My SO agreed with me and that as a trained psychologist she's never met anybody who's so emotionally in touch with himself and is able to verbalize so clearly what's going on inside him and why or how to deal with it.

I acknowledge the impact your psyche can have on your health. But before my knees broke, I was doing kind of okay. Sure, I was a bit scared about founding a business, but I was okay with that. I left a boring office job to pursue my dream career and I secured the right channels of aid to do so. I feel like I've never been so in control of my life, never have I been so engaged before with my fate and life.

Anyways, we headed home, once more with a cab. My legs hurt like crazy, I was really suffering though waves of pain. I requested some pain killers to tide me over but the time we'd require to get everything in order to get 1 pain killer from somewhere, was more than how long we'd take to get home. So I bit down and took it. Or tried to.

The cab showed up, and though the SO specified my wheelchair this time, it was a sedan. I guess our luck from the last cab ran out. We waited and it started raining. The diagnosis, the wheelchair, the pain, the cab shit and crappy public transportation, the broken down car, ... We were done. It was my SO's day off and she was just breaking down. She wanted me to be happy and healthy and taking care of me in itself takes a toll on her. I'm happy she's seeing a psychologist herself next week, but the issues are still there today. So I didn't want to stress her out even more.

We got home and she went to buy another junk food care package. Now that I'm on CBD I can drink alcohol and coffee again, eat greasy and spicy stuff too. 

But we still had to take care of the car because I'd have to see another doctor tomorrow about paperwork. I'd have to be put a month on medical care instead of Starterslab and unemployment.  SO made a call to the Toyota warranty hotline but was told they can't help because our contract didn't cover it. I was stunned. We bought it last month. I must have missed something, I thought. I made a few calls to get a friend to come over and to see if somebody has some jumpstart cables. My brother in law ended up helping, but the cables and clamps were too thick for the tiny copper plate on the hybrid battery system. While they were trying to fix that, I realized I had to bite through the pain ONCE AGAIN. Because after you jump start a car, you need to drive it for at least 30 minutes so the alternator can charge up the battery fully. We also needed fuel because the gas tank was really low and my SO can't drive it alone because she's still on a student's permit. So any way you cut it, I'd have to walk again, to the car, to make sure she can legally drive it to both the gas station as well as on a longer drive because of the battery. I bit down hard again. Fuck that pain.

In the meantime we'd received messages from my SO's friend about a bunny. She's looking for a place to shelter it for a month or two and my SO jumped at the occasion. She's been wondering to get one as a pet and it'd be a great and free opportunity to test that out because said friend is paying for everything like food. But she'd be here soon. But we wouldn't be because we'd be driving the car because of the battery. Combined with the pain, the wheelchair and the crutches, we were losing our minds.

In the end, I called the warranty office again and got shit sorted out. I didn't even have to check anything or raise my voice. I don't understand what the SO did wrong, I just gave them our license plate number and everything just went off without a hitch. Had to wait an hour for somebody to arrive, though. So walked back the the apartment, ouch-ouch-ouch, and then back out again an hour later. Honestly, I'm pretty confident the CBD works really well, because that was a really fucking hard day in many ways and I still had little pain at the end of it all. Tomorrow is the first day I'll be home alone for a full day. I have another acupuncture session in an hour or two. Moving hurts a lot. But I kind of have to if I am to seek help from as many sources as possible.

We ended the day by singing/screaming along to songs in the car for half an hour. A local freeway flooded so the bunny wasn't showing up since traffic got fucked. We're seeing the flappy-eared rodent later tonight. I was proud of us. My mind was sharp and willing to fight and hers wasn't. But her body wasn't malfunctioning like mine. We dragged each other through this battlefield of a day. If we can crack jokes and scream along to silly songs in the car at the end of a stressy day like that, I think we're good as a couple.

 

Recent highlight: Singing along to songs with the SO in the car after a hard day.

Budget status: I put the Starterslab thing on hold for a month. That sucks ass. It's a temp thing though, until I learn how to walk again.

My one goal for the next 24h: Paperwork. Cancel Starterslab for a month and get my healthcare paperwork done.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's A Pitch, about how to always be aware of how you come across.

My chore of the day: Sitting. As much as possible.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: I decided not to apply for the TV job. I think it's not a good fit for who I am and I'd rather not abandon my current Starterslab trajectory. So just paperwork for healthcare today. And some moping about how life sucks and how I want to walk again.

What did I post on social media: Nothing special. Wasn't an eventful day. I may post something tomorrow about stopping Starterslab for a month.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done. Walking went a bit better this time. I wonder if it's the CBD.

-Prep food - So is doing it. We prepped A LOT 2 days ago.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Finished the part about family names. Also did some chess and Elevate.

-Make the bed - SO did it.

-Drink enough water - Didn't drink anything yesterday. I should make an effort today. I used to find this easier to do when I had to use water to swallow my meds. But CBD doesn't work that way.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Took a bit of effort but just got it done.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Got a bottle of Jack Daniels to make Jack&Coke. 

-Meditation - Really hard to get alone time if you can't move on your own mostly.

-Exercise once this week - Had acupuncture today. It seems like I'm starting to be able to use my legs more. I've got a posturologist and fascia therapist the day after tomorrow.

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Detox day 10 "I CAN FUCKING WALK!!! Oh, and also there's a bunny." 

I'm not sure why or how, but I can stand on my own legs again more and more often. I'm thinking it's the CBD. I'm not sure what it does, but whatever it is, it seems to be doing its job amazingly. I can stand on my own legs again. I still feel some pain, but it seems more like it's sore or over- or underworked. Like, less joint pain but more like the muscles are experiencing shit they're not used to. Which makes sense considering the circumstances...

Maybe there's hope after all? I called a free help phone line yesterday, like The Samaritans. I poured my heart out and realized that I'm honestly afraid I'll never walk again and will have to leave acting behind me forever. It was a tough thing to realize. But there's the posturologist tomorrow and physical therapy starts next week. It sucks that CBD oil isn't considered as legit medicine so I have to pay a lot for it because it's not covered by healthcare. But if I can walk in a seemingly miraculously short time, it's totally worth it. The posturologist tomorrow, I'm not sure about him. He seems a bit rude, but I'm willing to give it a shot. 

We also took a bunny in. It's the cutest fucking thing, but it's in its puberty. It's really energetic because it's so young, so it's all over the place. But we bunny-proofed our place, so no worries. We just have to keep an eye out that it doesn't chew on the rug or the kitchen towels. We had a scare last night when it chewed on a leaf of a toxic house plant. We put the plant somewhere else, but a leaf had fallen behind it seemed. That was a pretty tense first evening. But it's okay now. It's really fucking smart. It has toy-like puzzles, it comes when you call its name, it's house-trained and has a bit of an attitude much like a pubescent teenager. If you get angry at it, it's going to look at you and try the same bad thing again like chewing the carpet. I have to tell it off several times and then it just angrily dashes off. I love it. It reminds me so much of myself, hahaha. 

It's safe to say that I'm feeling way better than 2 days ago. Maybe there's light at the end of this tunnel after all. I hope I never have to get in that wheelchair ever again and that my legs keep on improving.

 

Recent highlight: Walking and being able to stand up at the kitchen counter to make my own sandwiches for the first time in weeks.

Budget status: I got a month of sick leave. But because the pay is a bit less (I think) I'd like to get back to the usual stuff asap.

My one goal for the next 24h: Paperwork again. Because of the sick leave stuff.

What did I read today: A chapter from Life's A Pitch about charisma.

My chore of the day: Clean the bunny poop. It's marking its territory the first few days, so it's normal it's doing this. It's also just dry pellets, so it's a 5 minute thing. But now that I can stand upright a bit, I can finally start contributing again.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: I got a brainstorm scheduled for tonight to figure out a new name for my business. Also some emails and some paperwork for the sick leave stuff.

What did I post on social media: Pics of the bunny. And I might post another one soon of me walking, but maybe I should keep that for the weekend.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - I can walk a bit now, so I'm proud to say this is done!

-Prep food - Not sure what's for dinner, but we'll see. We did food prepping last weekend so we're fine.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done, and some chess and Elevate done too.

-Make the bed - Was done this morning!

-Drink enough water - I'm about 1 bottle and a half in today. The last 2 days were hard, but I'll bounce back again I think now.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done. Though I should do it more, though...

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Had a celebratory Jack&Coke after my first steps today!

-Meditation - Apparently I'd need a special wheelchair to get to the park, like an off-road wheelchair. So this is on hold for a bit longer then...

-Exercise once this week - I got enough exercise cleaning up the bunny poop. My muscles are weeeeeak nowadays.

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Sounds great with your progress with your legs! Good look with keeping it up!

What I was thinking about was the transformation from Arthur from DDP Yoga. He had 
an awesome transformation with DDP Yoga (It's on Youtube). He was also unable to walk
but with the help of this Yoga program he got back to running. Insane story.  Yoga seems to
be really good to recover.

Good luck with your health! Keep it up!

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19 hours ago, mks said:

Sounds great with your progress with your legs! Good look with keeping it up!

What I was thinking about was the transformation from Arthur from DDP Yoga. He had 
an awesome transformation with DDP Yoga (It's on Youtube). He was also unable to walk
but with the help of this Yoga program he got back to running. Insane story.  Yoga seems to
be really good to recover.

Good luck with your health! Keep it up!

Thanks for the tip! I've been thinking about taking up yoga for a while. It's like it combines exercise with meditation somehow? I don't really want to fuck things up by accident, so I think I'm going to try and find somebody who can tell me what's what first. If somebody can diagnose me, we can start figuring out how to heal. I'm seeing a physical therapist next week, so I'm hoping they can help me out with some exercises. But yeah... Patience is a virtue, I guess...

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Detox day 11 "Bunny box." 

Today we went groceries shopping and then my SO left to go kayaking with a friend. There's a party going on at our place tonight, so I was left in charge of cleaning the place and prepping stuff. Well, partially. I can't obviously really do anything. But I can stand a bit nowadays, without crutches. So of course I'm now hell bent on carrying my weight again.

I just have to clean the toilet, which I just did. And move some plants from the living room to the bedroom, to make more space for the guests.

I'm also on bunny duty. I made a digging box for her to play in. A big cardboard box filled with snippets of paper. I also have to keep an eye on her at all times because that conniving little bunny is clever as balls. The moment you turn your back, she doing things she knows she can't. She's in puberty and rather intelligent, we were warned. But I never thought rabbits would have such clear personalities. I'm really growing fond of the floppy-eared fur ball. She comes to you when you call her name, can you believe that? I hope nobody fucks with her tonight, I think I'm starting to become fiercely protective of Lou.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm having brunch with my family. I'm supposed to make some muffins, choux pastries and I'm going to try and get those done today as well. I can stand, ish, but not for long. So I figured it'd be smart to do what I can today and spread out the time I'm unavoidably on my feet over the course of 2 days.

I was supposed to go to the posturologist this morning, but he cancelled. Ugh. I was super critical of it all and didn't really want to go. Then I read some reviews online and got enthusiastic. And that's when I got the message he had food poisoning. Lame...

 

Recent highlight: The bunny running towards me when I called her name. That's a children's dream come true.

Budget status: Lame that I can't really save any money nowadays. I guess others are worse off that my status quo, so I shouldn't complain.

My one goal for the next 24h: Clean the place, sit down a lot and bake muffins and pastry.

What did I read today: A chapter of Life's A Pitch about emotional decisions in a business life.

My chore of the day: Cleaning the place a bit. Well, more like tidying up. I still am kind of crippled.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: Not really. I spent most of the time in the kitchen. I did contact a buddy about a new name. Currently I'm thinking of "Speaky.ly" 

What did I post on social media: I posted a pic of me in a wheelchair on my company social media, to let people know I'm taking a month of hiatus but not for anything frivolous. The positive reactions where overwhelming.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done.

-Prep food - Still going to, but after I clean.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - Still have to get my first drink of the day.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Just got done.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - All good.

-Meditation - I guess it's kind of on hold still.

-Exercise once this week - I moved too much yesterday and this morning, for the first time in a while, it hurt. Usually, when I wake up it's a blissful pain-free 15 first minutes. But I guess that after walking around a lot yesterday, my legs made it clear I'm still super fragile.

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20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I was curious about cbd oil for anxiety but wanted to try exercise, sleep, and meditation first.

I don't really notice any changes mentally. Though there could be an element, but right now it's all a bit shrouded by the complex emotions of not really being able to walk.

I was told by the shop owner that he's also got a special blend to help your relax at night to make you fall asleep more easily and sleep more deeply. For me personally, CBD is wonderful and helps out like crazy. I didn't expect this clear a difference. If you'd want to try it, go for it, I'd say. But I also learned that it's different for every person. Depending on your dosage, tolerance, liver and kidneys, you aptitude for drugs, your general health and emotional state, your weight, fat ratio, height, hydration, ... So 2 people could try the same CBD oil but get differing results.

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Detox day 12 "Family cookout." 

I spent the entire day with my family. My sister (a cook) and her SO, my mom and her BF of ten years and me and my SO. We decided to postpone celebrating Mother's Day until today and made a huge brunch for our mom and ourselves. Since my sis is a cook (who ironically works in insurance) we ate rather special and fancy stuff. All vegetarian too. Very tasty. I made a lemon zest cake with a yogurt lemon drizzle. Some choux pastry filled with chocolate mousse, some Japanese Milk Tea. There was quiche, pizza, salad, banana bread, ... Good god. I'm so full.

We had long and deep talks. About our dad and the divorce. About my sister looking to buy a house and realizing how hard it is for our generation to do stuff like hold down a job and buy a house or get enough cash flow to raise a kid... I'm so incredibly proud of my sister. She and I have been through a lot and her being able to find a steady and healthy relationship with her SO and is now looking for a house. I'm so happy and proud of her.

I did hurt myself a lot. I missed my family like crazy and so I wanted to be in the fray. Helping out in the kitchen, running around with ingredients and pots and pans... It didn't take long for that stupid idea to hurt me. I spent the better part of the day on the coach in pain. I was so emotional. My mom gave me a bunch of stuff. Lemon grass oil to sooth the pain, a massaging device to make sure the bloods runs through my knees and legs properly, magnesium pills and chocolate (she knows me so well, hahaha).

All in all a nice day, but fuck me do I hate the aching legs... I'm looking forward to my first session of physical therapy this Wednesday.

 

Recent highlight: Cooking with the family and enjoying ourselves and exchanging stories about our youth.

Budget status: Nothing specific to report right now.

My one goal for the next 24h: Sitting down. 

What did I read today: I'm halfway through the book. And now the chapters get way bigger in size, like three or four times.

My chore of the day: Helping out in the kitchen and then stopping because it hurt.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: Today was a day off.

What did I post on social media: Pics of the food of today.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - On it!

-Prep food - Spent all day cooking.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Should drink a bit more...

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Because of the legs, this is sometimes getting a bit of a hit here and there...

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Social drinking today.

-Meditation - It's lame that I can't go to the park.

-Exercise once this week - Moved too much again. Ugh.

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Detox day 13 "Response." 

There were so many reactions to the stuff I posted online. It's in times like these I clearly see the power of my convictions. I'm a pretty nice guy and it turns out people really go the distance for you if you maintain a good relationship. I've got a friend who works in the hospital and she's using every ounce of influence to get me to specialists quicker. Like not wanting me to have another month of pain, she's trying to fast track me to a doc who'd take a look at me in between patients. Madness how much she's motivated to help me out. There's been so many people offering her help, their support, asking if they can do something for me, ... I'm totally touched.

 

Recent highlight: Getting a message from my hospital friend and learning what crazy efforts she's been doing on my behalf.

Budget status: Nothing to report.

My one goal for the next 24h: Do stuff around the house. I've really got nothing planned. So I want to try doing the laundry or play with the bunny or read my D&D-books.

What did I read today: Life's A Pitch just got really heavy and complex. 11 chapters to go.

My chore of the day: Trying to get some random things done around the house.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: I don't have anything really planned for today. It's kind of nice to be able to do random things that require me to walk but know that I can take unlimited breaks.

What did I post on social media: Pics of the food yesterday and a thank you to all my friends helping out.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done.

-Prep food - We have leftovers so not going to worry about that.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Bottle is next to me but yet to take first sip.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Done.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Yesterday was social drinking.

-Meditation - On hold.

-Exercise once this week - Physical therapy in 2 days. That counts, right?

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Detox day 14 "Besieged."

The bunny is pooping all over the place. It's only been here a few days, so I hope it's still just marking it's territory. Normally they're house trained, even in the wild. They poop in designated areas, not just all over. I hope it's temporary. I'm going to read a bunch of stuff and learn more about bunnies, their behaviors, intellect, how to raise and train them but also how to take care of them properly and keep them healthy. It's also realistic that the pooping is related to her being in puberty. They go a bit crazy and she's in the middle of that period now. It's the actual reason she's being so mean to the other bunny of the original owners and why she's on temporary leave at ours.

I really like the responsibility of taking care of the floofball. But I notice my SO sometimes drops the ball. She didn't feed her this morning, for example. I feel like just as the household stuff is a bit too much for her to handle on her own, taking care of the rabbit is as well. Much like a six year old, she likes the petting and having fun. But she's not really thinking of all of the downsides and irreversible responsibilities. Like going on a holiday for a while. I'd feel bad if the bunny would have to stay in her habitat for a whole day because we're out. Of course, we have great neighbors, friends and family members. We could get help everywhere. But it's a really big decision. I'm going to ask friends of our, my sister and the original owners of Lou about having a bunny or two as a pet and what it's like and what the downsides are. I feel like a lot of the care is going to fall on my shoulders so I need to make sure I can handle it. I'd love a floofball of my own, but I want to be a certain as possible beforehand that I can provide adequate care so they're happy! My SO is seeing her psychologist soon but I'm pretty sure she's going to have issues for a while. Nobody recovers in like a month from something as serious as a burnout. 

A videogame came out last month. It's a big title. It's triggering me like crazy. I want to know what happens to the characters, I miss the setting, the music, the scenery and the tension... Now that I'm on healthcare for a month and having issues with my legs, there's not a lot of ways to blow off steam. I couldn't play the game if I wanted to, but there's lots of playthrough videos that give a similar sensation. I don't want to relapse. But I really want to know what it's like, what happens story-wise. It's really, really hard right now not to open a tab and find it on YouTube. I was able to resist yesterday, but I'm afraid it's just a matter of time. I don't consider watching the videos a relapse, but I know that I relapsed once before because of a similar thing happening.

The apartment is slowly becoming a pig sty because my SO can't handle cleaning everything properly herself. Trash is piling up because she didn't have the umph to carry it out. Now there's little fruit-flies that bug us. And there's still ants. I put poison everywhere I could, but every soda can that doesn't get cleaned up, sends another file of the six-legged repo men. It's tiring seeing all this shit going on and not being able to do anything.

I notice I am starting to be able to walk more and more. Just short distances and I need to sit down in between bits a lot. But still. It's more movement than I had last week. So with that in mind I've vowed to clean the apartment. One bit at a time. There's some kind of bug that's been biting us for weeks. It seems invisible. I'm not sure yet what it is, but I was hoping to find out today. It's not imaginary and it's not the ants or anything. It's often on our arms and legs, so I'm thinking they fly and thus might be related to the trash. We're going to stop eating on the couch and I'm going to try and clear out all of the trash, crumbs and so on before tomorrow night. That's when we can take it all out at once. After that, I'll go for the dishes and laundry.

jIt's like the walls are closing in on me. Dirty place, stinging invisible bugs and a colony of ants, taking caring of a pooping bunny, battling with my disability and the psychological effects of being kind of handicapped. And then there's the games and porn I'm not supposed to run to. I feel like life is really hard right now. And I don't know how or why. But I'm so ready to fight. I can barely walk, but I'm still willing to clean the entire place and improve things for myself. I love the bunny and take care of its needs daily with a smile. I hate the knee-situation, but I'm looking forward to finally getting to meet a physical therapist tomorrow. And being able to slowly walk again a bit, even if it's only in increments of a few steps, is hopeful. I measured it, I can now walk about 300 steps a day if I make an effort and am careful and sit down often. That 3x as much as 2 weeks ago. This kind of shit is why I call myself the PhoenixKing. I burn up into ashes sometimes, but I keep coming back for more.

 

Recent highlight: Reading the end of my D&D book last night. I ran away from my computer to avoid relapse and ended up falling asleep in my SO's arms.

Budget status: Nothing to report.

My one goal for the next 24h: Clean as much of our place as possible.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's A Pitch; about charlatans and image manipulations.

My chore of the day: Trash duty. Clear away as much as possible.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: I have a brainstorm with a buddy entrepreneur later today and I was thinking of how to market my 'rise out of the wheelchair'. I might make a video combined with an inspiring and rousing speech. Making clear that whatever the viewer's problem is, you can do anything if you dare to fight for yourself, what you believe in and are not afraid to ask for help; while I do the speech, I'd rise out of the wheelchair. Bit dramatic, but I think it might work.

What did I post on social media: Nothing specific.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done.

-Prep food - SO will have to do it. I'm on trash duty. I can only do so much.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Started drinking.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll go do it right now.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - I really want a beer right now. But I think it's going to make me watch the playthrough videos.

-Meditation - I should maybe read a bit.

-Exercise once this week - Tomorrow I have physical therapy.

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Detox day 15 "Solace."

Just got back from the physical therapist. That fucker figured it out. The daily pain, the randomness of it all, why other doctors couldn't see anything, ... Apparently it'd be near impossible to truly figure out the original event that caused it, but it seems my knees have been overcompensating badly for a few years. It seems like it started with some kind of accident I had ages ago and thus because something hurt, you start not using that part. Kind of how if you sprain an ankle, you get a bit of a limp to protect the hurt part. Getting that limp is an automatic thing and part of a carefully balanced system your body and subconscious keeps in order. It's a fragile equilibrium. And to make matters worse, if you don't use a part of your body, the same craving for balance in your body will subtract all nutrients, minerals, etc... from that point of your body; further weakening it. A clusterfuck of those bodily functions weakened both of my knees to the point of pain and duress. As soon as one hurt more then the other, I favor my other leg. But that one's not equipped for my full body weight, so it starts hurting too and it spirals out of control that way. Astronauts get issues like that too. Did you know that because they don't use their leg muscles in zero G, their own bodies make them get osteoporosis? Madness! It also explains why the other doctors didn't see or find anything. The whole point of that system is to keep the legs healthy and working. Ironically.

He told me I could make a full recovery.  That my muscles seem strong and that I'm clearly willing to fight. I was ecstatic. The first doc to figure it out, explain things clearly and give me some sort of control back over the situation. I have to return tomorrow afternoon to start the first exercises. It's going to hurt like a motherfucker. But they're going to teach me to walk again from scratch. I'll have to bite through a lot of pain. But every time I bite through it, I think, I'll be able to take more on the next time. So it's going to be a race to push my limits as healthily as possible.

 

Recent highlight: Hearing the doc's diagnosis.

Budget status: Skipping budget stuff, I'd rather pour every second of energy in cleaning now.

My one goal for the next 24h: Clear out the trash. 

What did I read today: I'm not going to read today, I'd prefer to clean.

My chore of the day: Cleaning. As much as I can.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: I posted a few things on social media. Furthering the narrative on my recovery. The response, both professionally and private, was immense. Useful to get a bit more exposure for my business.

What did I post on social media: See above.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Done.

-Prep food - Not going to worry about it. Thrash and cleaning is priority today.

-Daily Japanese lesson - I'll do it in a second. Get it out of the way.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - 2 bottles down already!

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it this morning.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - I had a G&T with my SO yesterday; our first proper date in months.

-Meditation - Suddenly I could make walking to my special spot in the park a goal for my physical therapy.

-Exercise once this week - I'll walk as much as I can today with trash duty and then there's physical therapy tomorrow.

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Day 16 "Growing pains."

So the physical therapy hurt. But not as much as I'd feared. My pain levels only once went to a 5. The rest was around 1-2. I did feel my joints and muscles ache a bit afterwards, but that's normal. I'll be going twice a week from now on and getting pretty cray exercises for at home. They're really pushing me. I'd be leaving the wheelchair in a week or 2-3. First I'm no longer allowed to walk from the elevators to the exercise room. Next week or the one after that, I'd no longer be allowed a wheelchair on the hospital campus, and so on... We rented it for a month, I'd like to return it without having to extend that period. If need be, I can always just sit down somewhere for a while or choose not to do certain activities until I strengthen further. It's weird having to re-learn how to walk. It takes a lot of mental focus too. Walking is an automatic habit. So walking correctly has to take it over. Repetition, repetition, repetition.

We went to see my addiction therapist in the morning. My SO wanted to know what she should do about it all, what her role was in my addiction. As a psychologist she can't disable the part of her brain that's trained to give counseling. So they talked about stepping out of that role a bit and daring to ask herself, as a SO, what she looks for in a relationship. So that way, she could more clearly state what she thinks is okay behavior for me and what isn't. Like, if I watch gameplay videos but it doesn't dominate my whole day, it's okay for her as an SO because it doesn't get in the way of dinner or my chores or quality time. Of course, something like that is reaaaaaally bad for an addict. But that was besides the point. I feel like I should jot some of those expectations down too. What do I look for in a relationship? What are my must-haves and my red flags?

He also mentioned that if I was serious about not gaming in the long run, I should look at it as a different way of life. So I no longer want to reach a set number of days, I'm just going to record the amount of days I was successful in not gaming.

He also kind of told me to talk less. I talk A LOT. We talked about peace and being quiet, finding respite and reprieve. I told him that I know I'm rather intense and competitive, that I channel that in fighting or visiting the park and being around nature; or that I'd like to explore yoga when I can walk again. He did mention that I might want to look into the deeper stuff that's causing all of the unrest. I feel like I'm full of energy and a calm person could be full of that too, but my kind of energy is the restless kind. I wouldn't mind being a more zen person. But I'm just not sure another therapist is the answer to that. I'm open to it, contemplating it. But just not sure I'll make a call rightaway. 

 

Recent highlight: The physical therapy.

Budget status: We're talking about how expensive the summer will be. New closets to clear out the messy study room. New hermetic trash cans to avoid more bugs in the future. Getting a bunny or two potentially.

My one goal for the next 24h: Well, I'm filling this in during the evening, so my physical therapy is already done. I guess I just want tomorrow to be a productive day!

What did I read today: I'm a bit too tired to read something educational. I've been filling up my brain with bunny stuff and reading my fantasy book.

My chore of the day: I did some bunny stuff. And I organized the storage space a bit, clearing things out now that walking a bit has come easier.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: Didn't really make any noticeable progress.

What did I post on social media: Nothing today.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - SO did it. 

-Prep food - Didn't do food stuff.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - About halfway there. So I drank a bit, but rarely truly enough.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Should do it in a sec.

-Less daydrinking at home alone -  Had a celebratory Jack&Coke yesterday. Two actually.

-Meditation - Depending on my progress, I could be in nature sooner than I expected.

-Exercise once this week - Physical therapy will be thrice a week, one of which on my own at home.

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Day 17 "BBQ."

I'm confused about my legs. I was able to exercise with my physical therapist for like 30 minutes. Normally I couldn't just even walk for 30 minutes, I stopped and sat down because it all hurt. I don't understand what's going on. Should I now ignore the pain constantly? I can still feel it all, so it's not just in my head. Maybe it's because they kept a constant eye on my legs and how I move and kept correcting me? I just find it hard to understand how I could move constantly for 30 minutes and then come home and not be able to do the dishes. I think I get the theory, but in practice it's weird that those two states exist in the same world.

We're going to a BBQ later tonight. First party with my SO's friends. She had some drama because she met that group via her ex, they were his friends first. I don't believe in a them vs us way of thinking. So it's a bit weird for me. She kept in touch with them all though and they kind of became her friends. But obviously they've know her ex longer, so there's more history, loyalty, and so on... Her ex is also emotionally very unstable. He can't talk about how he feels, he's impulsive, mean, manipulative, and so on... He's still human of course, not an evil being. He just went through shitty times and hasn't been able to deal with things, I'm sure. But he's going to be there. And there was some drama about my SO not being invited to lots of parties. Not because of the ex pressuring the situation and socially locking her out. But because the friends don't want the ex to explode over random things. He's very volatile, it seems. Volatile enough that they'd willingly cut a friend off from the group to keep the peace. To me, that's just bad shit. If a friend exhibits bad behavior, you talk to him like an adult. And if he can't be respectful and kind, well tough titties. I'd much rather adjust my life to someone's absence than I'd adjust my personal boundaries to their disrespect. I asked my SO if this is what she looks for in friends, that she should look critically at this group and truly wonder if this is the kind of people that's a right fit for her. Because my friends are the type that would tell me when I'm being an asshole and are also the type that would never allow somebody to not be a part of festivities. We talk about stuff when there's issues, like normal humans.

I was told not to fan the flames when we go tonight, not to provoke him. I don't care about that comment at all. I mean, nobody should go out of their way to be a dick, obviously. That's just a general thing. I'm going to behave exactly as I would behave otherwise. And if that pisses him off, well I don't care. I'm not going to hide my sparkling personality because of another's doom and gloom.

 

Recent highlight: Getting our new air conditioning unit.

Budget status: Nothing to report.

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the BBQ.

What did I read today: Another article about bunnies and taking care of them.

My chore of the day: It's still a bit hard to do actual chores. I did organize the storage space a bit more and I installed the new airconditioner. It's more like a fancy fan with a filtration system and a receptacle for water or ice water that it uses to cool and moisten the air.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: No real progress. I've scheduled a call with my coach concerning my comeback.

What did I post on social media: A bunny pic.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - It's going to storm and rain so we're good on that.

-Prep food - BBQ tonight so not having to do this.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Did it this morning.

-Drink enough water - First bottle down.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll do it before we leave for the BBQ.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - I'm now less stressed, so it's more about enjoyment.

-Meditation - I might be able to walk to the park sooner than I thought.

-Exercise once this week - Next physical therapy is on Monday.

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1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

We're going to a BBQ later tonight. First party with my SO's friends. She had some drama because she met that group via her ex, they were his friends first. I don't believe in a them vs us way of thinking. So it's a bit weird for me. She kept in touch with them all though and they kind of became her friends. But obviously they've know her ex longer, so there's more history, loyalty, and so on... Her ex is also emotionally very unstable. He can't talk about how he feels, he's impulsive, mean, manipulative, and so on... He's still human of course, not an evil being. He just went through shitty times and hasn't been able to deal with things, I'm sure. But he's going to be there. And there was some drama about my SO not being invited to lots of parties. Not because of the ex pressuring the situation and socially locking her out. But because the friends don't want the ex to explode over random things. He's very volatile, it seems. Volatile enough that they'd willingly cut a friend off from the group to keep the peace. To me, that's just bad shit. If a friend exhibits bad behavior, you talk to him like an adult. And if he can't be respectful and kind, well tough titties. I'd much rather adjust my life to someone's absence than I'd adjust my personal boundaries to their disrespect. I asked my SO if this is what she looks for in friends, that she should look critically at this group and truly wonder if this is the kind of people that's a right fit for her. Because my friends are the type that would tell me when I'm being an asshole and are also the type that would never allow somebody to not be a part of festivities. We talk about stuff when there's issues, like normal humans.

I was told not to fan the flames when we go tonight, not to provoke him. I don't care about that comment at all. I mean, nobody should go out of their way to be a dick, obviously. That's just a general thing. I'm going to behave exactly as I would behave otherwise. And if that pisses him off, well I don't care. I'm not going to hide my sparkling personality because of another's doom and gloom.

I like your line of thinking that her X is not an evil being. I think there is always something crucial to be understood about the person through one's Xs, both in what they love and what they hate. Are those people the only friends your SO has? It seems they chose him over her at one point, so I don't see the logic why any of them would want to meet again. Her comment to not provoke her X seems desperate (in the way that she wants the evening not to go poorly, rather than to go amazing) and misplaced given the attitude in your post.

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21 hours ago, Ikar said:

I like your line of thinking that her X is not an evil being. I think there is always something crucial to be understood about the person through one's Xs, both in what they love and what they hate. Are those people the only friends your SO has? It seems they chose him over her at one point, so I don't see the logic why any of them would want to meet again. Her comment to not provoke her X seems desperate (in the way that she wants the evening not to go poorly, rather than to go amazing) and misplaced given the attitude in your post.

I try to keep in mind that we're all humans. That's how I'd want to be treated on a bad day. Yeah, I notice all her exes kind of shoved her aside often. As if she kept looking for people to confirm her own poor self-esteem. No they're not, she's got other friends too that have nothing to do with them. But it's nowadays more of a fuse between different friend groups, so not getting along with certain ones, means getting shut out of bigger events it seems. I guess that she just mad friends with them and like her better than they did him, but they have more history with him. It's a bit complex. Yeah, I agree. She's so focused on not disturbing the status quo. Typical. She's often looking to prevent a 'no', rather than trying to score a 'yes'. 

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Day 18 "Gut feeling."

The BBQ was fun. No drama, loads of fun. We ended making plans with a few people to go whiskey tasting. My SO's ex actually seemed nice. I wouldn't mind to get to know him a bit better, if the SO doesn't feel like it's weird or anything.

I had an info video call session this morning. My job coach told me about where she got her education and I contacted them about the contents, the price, and so on... It's a post-graduate education. I can feel it in my bones. This is a good move for me. 

Tonight we're having a group dinner date to go eat ramen. It's a place that serve proper Japanese ramen, with a cook that learned the art in Tokyo and Kyoto. I talked to him last time and I was so flabbergasted at how authentic he was. My SO and I are going by car, drinking some wine in a park nearby and then headed to the ramen place. I've been looking forward to it for over a month now.

 

Recent highlight: Finally having a few beers and cracking wise with other people than myself and my SO.

Budget status: Nothing to report. Other than that the education would set me back a sloppy grand. But there's ways to lower the amount.

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the heck out of the rest of the day. Because the next few days will be tight and busy.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Life's A Pitch, about seduction this time.

My chore of the day: I did the bunny things, I'd like to do something about the laundry or the dishes though.

How I spent the 2 hours of focus progresssing my business today: Had an info and Q&A session about a type of degree in coaching.

What did I post on social media: A bunny pic. And a pic from my reel.

 

Maintained habits:

-Water the plants - Check

-Prep food - None, we're eating out and had a simple breakfast.

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Check

-Drink enough water - Check

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll do it before we leave.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - We've been going out often and drinking there. So less at home. It's been a while since I drank alone.

-Meditation - I'd like to go to the park at some point.

-Exercise once this week - There's physical therapy soon, but just moving from place to place nowadays is horribly tiring. Wheeling my ass around and trying to walk as often as possible.

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