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On 10/10/2018 at 10:03 PM, taichi said:

I am stressed out because every path that I can imagine myself taking in the future is both lonely and painful.

Because I cannot permit myself to live happily when I see the world around me turning to shit.

Very much this again. Feeling guilt about everything.

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Jumping in here because I saw your last post in the feed.

29 minutes ago, taichi said:

Because I cannot permit myself to live happily when I see the world around me turning to shit.

Stop reading the news or your FB feed. Seriously. The world isn't that bad, but you're not going to see anything good while you're consuming this stuff (because they focus on the negative). News consumption and social media have now been linked to depression in studies, so I'm not pulling this out of my butt.

On 10/9/2018 at 11:48 AM, taichi said:

This has been the longest I have come without playing video games, but I don't feel like that really makes a change.

I spend most of my days in front of my computer, mindlessly entertained.

Being in front of the screen puts me in a certain dazed state, and it does not feel nice.

It only appears that it's not having a change. Trust me, it's having an effect. If you like reading, check out the book "Mastery". It talks about how anyone practicing a skill encounters a "plateau" where practice doesn't seem to have an effect on their skill and this is where most people quit. Whereas in reality, you're improving, and if you keep going you'll notice the effects later.

I think if you ask the folks on this forum who've been going for a while, they'll tell you the same thing. My first 90 day detox didn't really do much for me. I just switched to wasting time on Netflix and YouTube. I relapsed on games right after the 90 days were over and spent a couple of weeks glued to the screen, avoiding my real-life responsibilities completely.

However, eventually I was able to completely leave games (it's been 131 days and I barely have any cravings). For a while, I still didn't feel progress because I was stuck consuming videos, but what I didn't realize was that now that I weaned myself off of games, I could focus all my efforts on weaning myself off of videos. It took 3 months, but I'm finally making progress in my video detox (30+ days).

And it's only that I've gotten rid of both of these things that I'm finally seeing the effects: more productivity, better relationship with my wife, more time for my spiritual goals, etc. I've been on this forum for nearly a year now (and trying to deal with my gaming addiction for the 10 years before that), but I'm seeing results only now.

But now looking back, I can clearly see progress, even in moments when I relapsed or failed to get anywhere with my detox. I was practicing and failing, but practice eventually yields fruit.

I'm sure you'll hear similar feedback from other folks who've been doing this for a while.

You've gone longer than you ever have without games - that's a win. You failed, that's OK. One thing I've seen to be true 100%: people who don't learn how to fail and pick themselves back up give up. People who fail, get up, fail again, get up again, and just keep going  eventually see results.

So, brush it off and keep going. You've got it and you've got an awesome community supporting you ?

P.S. This is a personal recommendation because I've found it crucial to my progress: sort yourself out spiritually. "Why am I here?" is the most crucial question, because it determines how you live the rest of your life. It's worth spending time contemplating.

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Thank you karabas.

On 12/22/2018 at 8:24 PM, karabas said:

Stop reading the news or your FB feed. Seriously. The world isn't that bad, but you're not going to see anything good while you're consuming this stuff (because they focus on the negative). News consumption and social media have now been linked to depression in studies, so I'm not pulling this out of my butt.

Dear me I have been doing that. Will try to minimize intake.

On 12/22/2018 at 8:24 PM, karabas said:

It only appears that it's not having a change. Trust me, it's having an effect. If you like reading, check out the book "Mastery". It talks about how anyone practicing a skill encounters a "plateau" where practice doesn't seem to have an effect on their skill and this is where most people quit. Whereas in reality, you're improving, and if you keep going you'll notice the effects later.

I think if you ask the folks on this forum who've been going for a while, they'll tell you the same thing. My first 90 day detox didn't really do much for me. I just switched to wasting time on Netflix and YouTube. I relapsed on games right after the 90 days were over and spent a couple of weeks glued to the screen, avoiding my real-life responsibilities completely.

However, eventually I was able to completely leave games (it's been 131 days and I barely have any cravings). For a while, I still didn't feel progress because I was stuck consuming videos, but what I didn't realize was that now that I weaned myself off of games, I could focus all my efforts on weaning myself off of videos. It took 3 months, but I'm finally making progress in my video detox (30+ days).

And it's only that I've gotten rid of both of these things that I'm finally seeing the effects: more productivity, better relationship with my wife, more time for my spiritual goals, etc. I've been on this forum for nearly a year now (and trying to deal with my gaming addiction for the 10 years before that), but I'm seeing results only now.

But now looking back, I can clearly see progress, even in moments when I relapsed or failed to get anywhere with my detox. I was practicing and failing, but practice eventually yields fruit.

I'm sure you'll hear similar feedback from other folks who've been doing this for a while.

Needed a day for this one to sink in, but you are very utterly right. Games are hardly on my mind right now. Still a long way to go, but I made a step.

On 12/22/2018 at 8:24 PM, karabas said:

You've gone longer than you ever have without games - that's a win. You failed, that's OK. One thing I've seen to be true 100%: people who don't learn how to fail and pick themselves back up give up. People who fail, get up, fail again, get up again, and just keep going  eventually see results.

So, brush it off and keep going. You've got it and you've got an awesome community supporting you ?

Thanks so much. I shall keep going.

On 12/22/2018 at 8:24 PM, karabas said:

P.S. This is a personal recommendation because I've found it crucial to my progress: sort yourself out spiritually. "Why am I here?" is the most crucial question, because it determines how you live the rest of your life. It's worth spending time contemplating.

"Revolution from Within" by Gloria Steinem sorted me out single-handedly. Quite the read.

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Nice to hear! Dont be like those people:

For nearly a decade, stories in the Western press have tied Japan’s sexual funk to a rising generation of soushoku danshi—literally, “grass-eating boys.” These “herbivore men,” as they are known in English, are said to be ambivalent about pursuing either women or conventional success. The new taxonomy of Japanese sexlessness also includes terms for groups such as hikikomori (“shut-ins”), parasaito shinguru (“parasite singles,” people who live with their parents beyond their 20s), and otaku (“obsessive fans,” especially of anime and manga)—all of whom are said to contribute to sekkusu shinai shokogun (“celibacy syndrome”).

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Found myself faintly daydreaming about games just now.

 

Yesterday I moved my PC back on to my sitting desk (it was in a standing pc setup since last month), for need to write a certain short essay.

Sitting in front of my PC slid me into that very farmiliar state of "I want more", and my YouTube consumption was at a unsettlingly high pace this morning.

Being reminded of how utterly fucked up my brain is.

Although my legs are quite fucked up too... Ought to return to my standing setup.

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Found out on Monday that mommy has cervical cancer stage III.

Just about kept it together this week, preparing for her 2 month radiotherapy, but I can almost hear myself crumbling away.

I'm always on the pc for no reason, not resting when I really really should be.

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I'm really sorry to hear this man... That's horrible news to process. I will you and your family all the best and a hella load of strength to keep it up. It's twice as hard to maintain your focus when you're battling with complex emotions and stress.  Try and be mindful and kind to yourself. If everything crumbles, that's okay. Just at least be aware that it crumbles and at the very least learn from it, ask yourself 'why?'. 

Thanks for your unchanging support. All the best to you and everyone you care about.

2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Try and be mindful and kind to yourself.

Thank you. Needed that.

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Oh man, I'm really sorry to hear that. That's really rough ?

Not much that can be said here. Just be of service to your mom in this time as much as you can. Physical & emotional comfort can be key to a recovery, plus it'll keep you away from the computer. So just serve her hand and foot and try to make this time as bearable for her as possible.

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On 1/27/2019 at 8:21 PM, taichi said:

Found out on Monday that mommy has cervical cancer stage III.

Oh no, I hope that your mom is doing well. ?

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Mommy will be staying in hospital for the next 2 months.

Planning to go see her every other day or so, maybe bring her some high protein food as a bento.

 

I cannot afford to be wanking my penis off and neglecting my body's needs. Self-care will be first priority.

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17 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

Take a breath. 

How are things with your mom?

Apparently the most stressful part of chemotherapy comes in a week or so. No new info so far, good or bad. I'm thankful for the hospital and its nurses and doctors.

Honestly not sure what the appropriate level of alarmed-ness is.

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3 hours ago, taichi said:

Apparently the most stressful part of chemotherapy comes in a week or so. No new info so far, good or bad. I'm thankful for the hospital and its nurses and doctors.

Honestly not sure what the appropriate level of alarmed-ness is.

Thanks for the update. Hang in there, dude. A close friend of mine went through the whole spiel. Having somebody to support you is a big difference. I have a lot of respect for your dedication to your mom. 

How are you dealing with it yourself? Because I can imagine all of the attention and focus is on your mom now, but you need love and time too!

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ok I had a little slip up ahaha fuck :70_poop:

I'm back on my ColdTurkey block, now stronger than ever before (closed down the little loophole that I abused for this relapse)

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14 hours ago, taichi said:

ok I had a little slip up ahaha fuck :70_poop:

I'm back on my ColdTurkey block, now stronger than ever before (closed down the little loophole that I abused for this relapse)

What happened? ?

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4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

What happened? ?

I uninstalled my Blocker to play my game again. Which to be honest I was pretending to myself to be impossible.

There is this emergency removal tool that's a hidden URL in the Blocker's website. I had this URL sent to me when my Blocker was genuinely bugged and broken.

At one point I kind of noticed I still had the email with the link in it. And left it that way.

 

On an emotional level, I don't really know what happened. Waking up and feeding myself and doing all the housework was getting harder and harder each day.

Family members telling me things like "Your mum is lucky to have you at her support everyday" (which I totally wasn't) was quite immobilizing to me.

Also the fact that pretty much nobody in my family thinks gaming addiction is a real thing, even after my explaining quite a few times, was grinding on me harder than ever.

Feeling the pressure of "well just get working now that you've got something to do; your whole problem was that you had nothing important to do."

Which point of view I kind of started to adopt: "Do I even have a problem?"

 

Once again it has become very obvious that I do have a problem and it is a gaming addiction and it is bad.

After a few days of gaming 5-8hrs/day I am feeling like shit and can't stop feeling like shit. In fact this is possibly the worst I have ever felt in my life.

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On 2/26/2019 at 3:11 AM, taichi said:

I uninstalled my Blocker to play my game again. Which to be honest I was pretending to myself to be impossible.

There is this emergency removal tool that's a hidden URL in the Blocker's website. I had this URL sent to me when my Blocker was genuinely bugged and broken.

At one point I kind of noticed I still had the email with the link in it. And left it that way.

 

On an emotional level, I don't really know what happened. Waking up and feeding myself and doing all the housework was getting harder and harder each day.

Family members telling me things like "Your mum is lucky to have you at her support everyday" (which I totally wasn't) was quite immobilizing to me.

Also the fact that pretty much nobody in my family thinks gaming addiction is a real thing, even after my explaining quite a few times, was grinding on me harder than ever.

Feeling the pressure of "well just get working now that you've got something to do; your whole problem was that you had nothing important to do."

Which point of view I kind of started to adopt: "Do I even have a problem?"

 

Once again it has become very obvious that I do have a problem and it is a gaming addiction and it is bad.

After a few days of gaming 5-8hrs/day I am feeling like shit and can't stop feeling like shit. In fact this is possibly the worst I have ever felt in my life.

I understand man. I've learned through relapses that I can't be trusted when I'm having an urge. I had my girl sabotage my gaming account and she's reset the pasword and forgotten it and everything. Making it as hard as possible to relapse can really help. 

I feel like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and you're in a situation where you're naturally coping with pretty big things. Your mom and everything going on with her is a huge deal. It's naive to think you can wrestle with the monkey on your back AND deal with all of that at the same time without failing somewhere. You're only human, bud. Try and forgive yourself and see it for what it is: a coping mechanism, a way of fleeing from the stress of it all because you're used to this being your method. I had to learn how to deal with stress and pressure in a healthier way. Because that was my last relapse too.

And it sucks that your environment isn't more understanding. Gaming addiction is véry real. But it's also rather new. So it's not widely accepted yet, sadly.

Yes, you do have a problem buddy. Addiction are hard enemies to fight. But that why there's a forum. You're clearly not the only one struggling with this. Find solace in that.

And learn from your relapse, man. Be critical but loving to yourself. Why exactly did you relapse? What could you have done to prevent it? What can you change right now to prevent it, deal with the issues better or make it harder for your to relapse? 

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Hey Taichi,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.  It can be hard to stay on top of addictions when it seems like life it getting harder and harder everyday. 

On 2/27/2019 at 3:24 AM, Phoenixking said:

After a few days of gaming 5-8hrs/day I am feeling like shit and can't stop feeling like shit. In fact this is possibly the worst I have ever felt in my life.

When I read this, I definitely resonated with it.  I experienced some of the worst days and months of my life when I was gaming, so there has to be a connection.  Either way, I wish you the best on your continued journey to success.

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