Journal

[taichi]

I suppose a counsellor's job is to guide the process, and I do the actual work in changing my way of thinking.

The least I can do is observe my inner brokenness everyday. This I can do right here.

 

According to my former psychiatrist, my problem stems from a lack of core self-esteem, the sense that I will be loved no matter what I do.

Ugh that sounds like a lie. Honestly, is that a real thing?

[Sapuverell]

1 hour ago, taichi said:

According to my former psychiatrist, my problem stems from a lack of core self-esteem, the sense that I will be loved no matter what I do.

Ugh that sounds like a lie. Honestly, is that a real thing?

Very interesting. It depends on what you believe I think. If you are convinced, that there is a god, you would be loved endlessy. But even if you do not, what do you think is better for you? Reduce yourself to something less or pushing yourself with a force, you may not even understand, but would help your situation. When you can't know the truth, then why don't you pick what is best for you and your people around you?

[Ikar]

5 hours ago, taichi said:

According to my former psychiatrist, my problem stems from a lack of core self-esteem, the sense that I will be loved no matter what I do.

Ugh that sounds like a lie. Honestly, is that a real thing?

 

4 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

When you can't know the truth, then why don't you pick what is best for you and your people around you?

That's actually a pretty good answer. I think mothers feel that way towards their kids naturally.

What's even more amazing that you actually find a person and build up unconditional love from zero with them too.

[taichi]

11 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

It depends on what you believe I think. If you are convinced, that there is a god, you would be loved endlessy. But even if you do not, what do you think is better for you? Reduce yourself to something less or pushing yourself with a force, you may not even understand, but would help your situation. When you can't know the truth, then why don't you pick what is best for you and your people around you?

Thank you for your kindness.

The way I was brought up, I find it quite impossible to relate to a deity in an intimate, inward kind of way.

I'm not even an atheist or agnostic, because nobody was religious in my childhood.

[taichi]

7 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think mothers feel that way towards their kids naturally.

What's even more amazing that you actually find a person and build up unconditional love from zero with them too.

Thank you for your insight.

What I am finding out, the hard way, is that I don't give unconditional love. People have to be special and serve my interests loyally for me to love them.

Thus my past relationships have been psychologically abusive ones, my current one also rapidly turning that way.

Thankfully, or more like miraculously, my current girlfriend has objected to my abuse and is still willing to stay with me, as long as I seek professional help for my inner troubles.

[Ikar]

4 hours ago, taichi said:

Thank you for your insight.

What I am finding out, the hard way, is that I don't give unconditional love. People have to be special and serve my interests loyally for me to love them.

Thus my past relationships have been psychologically abusive ones, my current one also rapidly turning that way.

Thankfully, or more like miraculously, my current girlfriend has objected to my abuse and is still willing to stay with me, as long as I seek professional help for my inner troubles.

Funny thing is, I think my response about a month ago would've been different, as I was freshly out of a relationship and I never saw the end coming.

Realizing your past relationship, I think with you eventually overcoming the addiction successfully and her being a witness and a supporter in the witness, would create a strong sense of gratitude on your part towards her!

[taichi]

7 hours ago, Ikar said:

Funny thing is, I think my response about a month ago would've been different, as I was freshly out of a relationship and I never saw the end coming.

Realizing your past relationship, I think with you eventually overcoming the addiction successfully and her being a witness and a supporter in the witness, would create a strong sense of gratitude on your part towards her!

A few days ago, I was sure mine had ended too. I am forever grateful for her caring love.

[taichi]

Meditation and exercise are things I need to have in my life. Let's try them bit by bit.

[taichi]

Abstention!

Head keeps whining, mood keeps swinging,

All the symptoms!

Calf keeps aching, can't be standing,

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

 

Oh my body is fucked. That is Sloan's "Keep Swinging (Downtown)" by the way.

[taichi]

On 4/28/2019 at 3:51 PM, taichi said:

I always start to feel exhausted and irritable after a few hours of being with my girlfriend, and I had always assumed I just wasn't kind enough to her.

Now I am starting to see that this is my empathy-sickness, a recognition that came quite suddenly when I was cuddling her and I felt like my body had disappeared.

I was denying myself of feeling, concentrating on how I could make her the most comfortable. The way I make conversation was also only a verbal version of that ghostly kindness.

 

I need to know what I am feeling.

This is the most interesting thing I have ever written. I totally relate to what I am saying, but also recognise the underhanded psychological abuse I was making that day.

 

Being more kind to her was simply not an option in that moment. Now I am doing just that, being more kind, although this kindness is maybe 25% heart-felt. That needs to be 100%.

How could I be empathy-sick when she was feeling a lack of empathy from me? That sounds like a riddle but a logical answer is that my empathy threshold was extremely low.

How was I concentrating on how I could make her comfortable, when she reported the exact opposite? Probably because I was projecting my own downfalls onto my girlfriend.

 

Yes, I really need to know what I am feeling. I need to distinguish what I am feeling from what the other person is feeling.

Edited May 7, 2019 by taichi

[Ikar]

Analytical and interesting.

My two cents on that would be that I told my ex in the beginnings that I am not sure if I can love her, after not having a romantic relationship before. I got proved that I was very wrong in that statement.

As for acts of kindness, I've observed 2 types of them in myself:

1) manual state - you purposefully do/buy/make something nice for your girl, generally you can take a good stab by going for something general (flowers, plants, chocolate) or something she has interest in (knitting, modeling, gardening), but that might be a bit rougher, as she's likely knowledgeable in the field and you'd need to figure out what she'd like specifically to make your gift relevant

2) state of flow - that's the state you are happy with how your day is going 100%, you feel like you could do anything, your head is sparking with ideas and you really spontaneously find something amazing, be it a gift, activity or whatever else

[taichi]

30 days gaming/YouTube/porn free ?

[taichi]

On 5/8/2019 at 6:43 AM, Ikar said:

My two cents on that would be that I told my ex in the beginnings that I am not sure if I can love her, after not having a romantic relationship before. I got proved that I was very wrong in that statement.

As for acts of kindness, I've observed 2 types of them in myself:

1) manual state - you purposefully do/buy/make something nice for your girl, generally you can take a good stab by going for something general (flowers, plants, chocolate) or something she has interest in (knitting, modeling, gardening), but that might be a bit rougher, as she's likely knowledgeable in the field and you'd need to figure out what she'd like specifically to make your gift relevant

2) state of flow - that's the state you are happy with how your day is going 100%, you feel like you could do anything, your head is sparking with ideas and you really spontaneously find something amazing, be it a gift, activity or whatever else

Me and my gf are joking around about my narcissism, "(Insert kind words)" - "Oh you are so manipulating me." A pretty sinister thing to be joking about.

Right now we are both sceptical about my ability to love, and I hope to prove these doubts to be wrong.

"Flow" state in being kind sounds like somewhere I would like to be every moment. Also sounds a bit manipulative. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

[Ikar]

7 hours ago, taichi said:

"Flow" state in being kind sounds like somewhere I would like to be every moment. Also sounds a bit manipulative. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

It does! I found out that when I feel inspired, I don't feel inspired to do just one thing, but everything. If I knew how to manipulate myself into it, my life would be super awesome ?

[taichi]

Since mother returned to work on Tuesday, I am increasingly anxious about my being home everyday, exhausted from the simplest of tasks.

[taichi]

I suppose the brain's rewiring is going to take more than just a month. I've been a game addict/internet bingemonkey since the age of 11.

Addiction's symptoms include an intensified stress response, which does explain how overwhelmed I feel about basically everything.

It's gonna take time, a whole lotta precious time.

Edited May 10, 2019 by taichi

[taichi]

Looking to try doing a few squats whenever I feel motivated. My muscles are screaming for some action. Well I'm going to pretend they are.

Edited May 11, 2019 by taichi

[taichi]

Tried some jogging with a friend. Running outside feels nice. Now I'm really shattered but in a nice way.

[taichi]

I'm seeing my former psychiatrist once again tomorrow. It's been 22 months since I quit his psychotherapy sessions.

Thinking about working with a different counsellor this time, someone I feel I can be vulnerable with. Not really sure how I find that person.

[taichi]

My psychiatrist recommended me their ASD communication training group. Going first time next Tuesday.

Looking forward to sharing with people with similar difficulties. The program is covered by welfare so that's great too.

Edited May 14, 2019 by taichi

[taichi]

I am feeling like shit. Let's try to break it down.

My Sunday jog was far far too much for me. Still aching all over. --> Stretch and rest.

Having two wanks the day after jogging was a terrible idea. My energy is yet to come back. --> Take a few days to replenish.

Pretending that I'm feeling better around my mother is really taxing on my emotional energy. --> Talk.

I'm feeling guilty for being in this home everyday paying nothing. --> Rest and self-care is top priority now. Also this sounds a lot like depression so maybe tell psychiatrist.

I have very low confidence in my personality since my girlfriend told me I lack empathy. --> ASD communication training will help.

I feel like the world is full of douche-bags and nothing's going to get any better.  --> Don't read that toxic blog ever again. Don't argue with that person ever again.

[taichi]

I contacted my university counselling service because this anxious feeling is getting out of hand.

Also found a government-funded support centre for connecting social recluses like me to society. Maybe have a look tomorrow.

I should take advantage of every bit of help society offers.

[taichi]

My urge to game is pretty much non-existent.

I suppose I'm quite a lucky addict, in that the kind of game that I liked to play is rapidly disappearing from the market. 

*mild trigger warning (because I talk about a genre)

Spoiler

To be precise, I love bird-eye MMORPGs and they are not a prominent genre anymore, the remaining few migrating onto mobile, which I couldn't care less about.

Even the one I was playing until this February - March wasn't really perfect to me: The sexualized female characters were getting really annoying.

Being picky about unnecessary gender bullshit can help if you're quitting games.

Edited May 16, 2019 by taichi

[taichi]

The weather was exceptional today. Went to the park and let my body soak up the sunshine. Feeling content and peaceful.

[taichi]

The university counsellor pointed out a bipolar-like manic tendency  in me, and advised me to work on things one by one, instead of phoning every support quarter all at once.

I'm amazed at how brilliant & helpful this was. Decided to focus on the ASD communication training + seeing the psychiatrist every other week for now.