Jump to content

Question of the week: What's your favourite quote?

taichi

Journal

Recommended Posts

Abstention!

Head keeps whining, mood keeps swinging,

All the symptoms!

Calf keeps aching, can't be standing,

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

 

Oh my body is fucked. That is Sloan's "Keep Swinging (Downtown)" by the way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/28/2019 at 3:51 PM, taichi said:

I always start to feel exhausted and irritable after a few hours of being with my girlfriend, and I had always assumed I just wasn't kind enough to her.

Now I am starting to see that this is my empathy-sickness, a recognition that came quite suddenly when I was cuddling her and I felt like my body had disappeared.

I was denying myself of feeling, concentrating on how I could make her the most comfortable. The way I make conversation was also only a verbal version of that ghostly kindness.

 

I need to know what I am feeling.

This is the most interesting thing I have ever written. I totally relate to what I am saying, but also recognise the underhanded psychological abuse I was making that day.

 

Being more kind to her was simply not an option in that moment. Now I am doing just that, being more kind, although this kindness is maybe 25% heart-felt. That needs to be 100%.

How could I be empathy-sick when she was feeling a lack of empathy from me? That sounds like a riddle but a logical answer is that my empathy threshold was extremely low.

How was I concentrating on how I could make her comfortable, when she reported the exact opposite? Probably because I was projecting my own downfalls onto my girlfriend.

 

Yes, I really need to know what I am feeling. I need to distinguish what I am feeling from what the other person is feeling.

Edited by taichi
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Analytical and interesting.

My two cents on that would be that I told my ex in the beginnings that I am not sure if I can love her, after not having a romantic relationship before. I got proved that I was very wrong in that statement.

As for acts of kindness, I've observed 2 types of them in myself:

1) manual state - you purposefully do/buy/make something nice for your girl, generally you can take a good stab by going for something general (flowers, plants, chocolate) or something she has interest in (knitting, modeling, gardening), but that might be a bit rougher, as she's likely knowledgeable in the field and you'd need to figure out what she'd like specifically to make your gift relevant

2) state of flow - that's the state you are happy with how your day is going 100%, you feel like you could do anything, your head is sparking with ideas and you really spontaneously find something amazing, be it a gift, activity or whatever else

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/8/2019 at 6:43 AM, Ikar said:

My two cents on that would be that I told my ex in the beginnings that I am not sure if I can love her, after not having a romantic relationship before. I got proved that I was very wrong in that statement.

As for acts of kindness, I've observed 2 types of them in myself:

1) manual state - you purposefully do/buy/make something nice for your girl, generally you can take a good stab by going for something general (flowers, plants, chocolate) or something she has interest in (knitting, modeling, gardening), but that might be a bit rougher, as she's likely knowledgeable in the field and you'd need to figure out what she'd like specifically to make your gift relevant

2) state of flow - that's the state you are happy with how your day is going 100%, you feel like you could do anything, your head is sparking with ideas and you really spontaneously find something amazing, be it a gift, activity or whatever else

Me and my gf are joking around about my narcissism, "(Insert kind words)" - "Oh you are so manipulating me." A pretty sinister thing to be joking about.

Right now we are both sceptical about my ability to love, and I hope to prove these doubts to be wrong.

"Flow" state in being kind sounds like somewhere I would like to be every moment. Also sounds a bit manipulative. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, taichi said:

"Flow" state in being kind sounds like somewhere I would like to be every moment. Also sounds a bit manipulative. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

It does! I found out that when I feel inspired, I don't feel inspired to do just one thing, but everything. If I knew how to manipulate myself into it, my life would be super awesome 😄

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since mother returned to work on Tuesday, I am increasingly anxious about my being home everyday, exhausted from the simplest of tasks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I suppose the brain's rewiring is going to take more than just a month. I've been a game addict/internet bingemonkey since the age of 11.

Addiction's symptoms include an intensified stress response, which does explain how overwhelmed I feel about basically everything.

It's gonna take time, a whole lotta precious time.

Edited by taichi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Looking to try doing a few squats whenever I feel motivated. My muscles are screaming for some action. Well I'm going to pretend they are.

Edited by taichi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm seeing my former psychiatrist once again tomorrow. It's been 22 months since I quit his psychotherapy sessions.

Thinking about working with a different counsellor this time, someone I feel I can be vulnerable with. Not really sure how I find that person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My psychiatrist recommended me their ASD communication training group. Going first time next Tuesday.

Looking forward to sharing with people with similar difficulties. The program is covered by welfare so that's great too.

Edited by taichi
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am feeling like shit. Let's try to break it down.

My Sunday jog was far far too much for me. Still aching all over. --> Stretch and rest.

Having two wanks the day after jogging was a terrible idea. My energy is yet to come back. --> Take a few days to replenish.

Pretending that I'm feeling better around my mother is really taxing on my emotional energy. --> Talk.

I'm feeling guilty for being in this home everyday paying nothing. --> Rest and self-care is top priority now. Also this sounds a lot like depression so maybe tell psychiatrist.

I have very low confidence in my personality since my girlfriend told me I lack empathy. --> ASD communication training will help.

I feel like the world is full of douche-bags and nothing's going to get any better.  --> Don't read that toxic blog ever again. Don't argue with that person ever again.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I contacted my university counselling service because this anxious feeling is getting out of hand.

Also found a government-funded support centre for connecting social recluses like me to society. Maybe have a look tomorrow.

I should take advantage of every bit of help society offers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My urge to game is pretty much non-existent.

I suppose I'm quite a lucky addict, in that the kind of game that I liked to play is rapidly disappearing from the market. 

*mild trigger warning (because I talk about a genre)

Spoiler

To be precise, I love bird-eye MMORPGs and they are not a prominent genre anymore, the remaining few migrating onto mobile, which I couldn't care less about.

Even the one I was playing until this February - March wasn't really perfect to me: The sexualized female characters were getting really annoying.

Being picky about unnecessary gender bullshit can help if you're quitting games.

Edited by taichi
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The weather was exceptional today. Went to the park and let my body soak up the sunshine. Feeling content and peaceful.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The university counsellor pointed out a bipolar-like manic tendency  in me, and advised me to work on things one by one, instead of phoning every support quarter all at once.

I'm amazed at how brilliant & helpful this was. Decided to focus on the ASD communication training + seeing the psychiatrist every other week for now.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ASD communication training was really great. The conversation is patient-lead, so need to bring notes on what my communication-related struggles are.

Listening to somebody with similar struggles felt very unsettling. Now I look back there was much common ground to be explored, but I kind of shut myself off.

Edited by taichi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm feeling really good today. This is the best I've felt in the morning for a long while.

On 5/15/2019 at 6:19 PM, taichi said:

I am feeling like shit. Let's try to break it down.

My Sunday jog was far far too much for me. Still aching all over. --> Stretch and rest.

Having two wanks the day after jogging was a terrible idea. My energy is yet to come back. --> Take a few days to replenish.

Pretending that I'm feeling better around my mother is really taxing on my emotional energy. --> Talk.

I'm feeling guilty for being in this home everyday paying nothing. --> Rest and self-care is top priority now. Also this sounds a lot like depression so maybe tell psychiatrist.

I have very low confidence in my personality since my girlfriend told me I lack empathy. --> ASD communication training will help.

I feel like the world is full of douche-bags and nothing's going to get any better.  --> Don't read that toxic blog ever again. Don't argue with that person ever again.

Looking back at this post, I see what I need to be careful about.

1. The right amount of exercise really makes me feel great. Only the right amount is very very little!

2. Maybe ejaculate once a week and keep it at that. I masturbated on Monday but still feeling full of energy today.

3. Being open to family has really helped. Even if they are acting impatient, explain my situation patiently. And then they may or may not listen, it doesn't really matter.

4. I have a modest action plan for my recovery, so that's rid me of any guilt. I am changing what I can change.

5. Having low confidence isn't bad in itself. Maintaining the "Beginners' Mind" in all situations is the key to bringing happiness to people & myself.

6. Having an argument with that person somehow attracted a new potential friend to me. The world is clearly not full of douche-bags, so I should keep speaking my mind.

Edited by taichi
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, taichi said:

I'm feeling really good today. This is the best I've felt in the morning for a long while.

Looking back at this post, I see what I need to be careful about.

1. The right amount of exercise really makes me feel great. Only the right amount is very very little!

2. Maybe ejaculate once a week and keep it at that. I masturbated on Monday but still feeling full of energy today.

3. Being open to family has really helped. Even if they are acting impatient, explain my situation patiently. And then they may or may not listen, it doesn't really matter.

4. I have a modest action plan for my recovery, so that's rid me of any guilt. I am changing what I can change.

5. Having low confidence isn't bad in itself. Maintaining the "Beginners' Mind" in all situations is the key to bringing happiness to people & myself.

6. Having an argument with that person somehow attracted a new potential friend to me. The world is clearly not full of douche-bags, so I should keep speaking my mind.

Having a clear view of things is the first step into acting upon them! Few personal views of mine about them, hope they help in some way.

1. You can slowly build up resistance and increase your workout sessions. Take note of the exercise you do and how you feel about it, so that you know when to increase rhythm and when to back it down a bit.

2. Once in a while isn't a problem. The problem is to rely on it to get the dopamine you would be craving for. But biology cannot be denied, humans have sexual urges now and then, and it makes no good to repress it forever.

3. Can't say much here, I have a lot of difficulties on this one. I can open myself to friends, girlfriend, but to family I fell... weird about.

4. It's not helpful to go full energy, head on, into hard and wild changes, only to find later on that you took a step too big  for you and now the floor is faltering under your feet. Take it slow and steady, and gradually adapting your plans as you need. At least that was the lesson of an old professor of mine, and I'm glad I never forgot, because it has been helping me a lot recently.

5. I'm a skeptic, and a Socrates fan. I think we all should have low confidence on our knowledge, but high confidence on our ability to learn. And it doesn't matter how many repetitions it takes for you to learn, as long as at the end of each you can be reasonably sure it added something new to you. About him who knows the most, however, that knowledge is only any good as the good things it brings him. Else, it makes of him a walking bookcase, which has all the knowledge but little use for it.

6. Yes, you should. If idiots are free to talk what they please, why wouldn't amazing people also be?

Keep rocking.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That great feeling last morning faded away as the day went by and I was feeling a sob in the evening.

Maybe I should be the most careful about mood swings. Keep them manageable.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Went to see my cousin who now lives in the countryside.

Their house doesn't have internet or TV signal, which apparently was a deliberate decision by my aunt.

So my cousin's entertainment is the river just outside, the lake Sagami, some CDs & DVDs that they own, and radio (also a few tv recordings that he plays over and over).

Spent a Saturday with them, talking, watching his favourite band's live DVD, cooking, and juggling. It wasn't a blast but it was a restorative experience. 

Edited by taichi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...