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taichi

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    Japan

Everything posted by taichi

  1. taichi

    Journal

    UBlock Origin is neat. Edited most of this post out because it was a lot of whining.
  2. taichi

    Journal

    After my first ever 2-day hiking + camping trip at Oze National Park, I'm surprised at how much my body could do and how little fatigue I feel now. The highlight was walking down some frighteningly steep paths to see the Sanjo Falls, an enormous and gorgeous waterfall that we had to ourselves. A great big thanks goes to my best friend, who lent me shoes & rucksack, and carried all of the heavier equipment to make my rucksack lighter. Games were unexpectedly on my mind quite a lot. It turns out distinctively beautiful nature reminds me of the game's various playing areas. I found myself keen to play the game again, genuinely interested to roam the magnificent locations once again, which was a feeling I hadn't felt for a very long time. The addictive behaviour has become enticing again. A positive sign that my brain is reverting to its normal excitement levels! 😁 (I searched the web a bit for some nice screenshots, and found them quite underwhelming.) Addiction recovery, as I understand it now, is 1) letting the behaviour's excitement return, and then 2) ignoring it. From here on, it seems the new challenge is the ignoring. Glad it isn't looking like much of a challenge.
  3. taichi

    Journal

    Recently I am feeling less and less inclined to post in this journal. This is probably a good thing, because it reflects how much support I have found outside of my room. I will keep attending my ASD/ADD communication training group, and see my psychiatrist every other week. I can also keep discussing my situation honestly with my family and dear one. And then I have my university's student support room. All this support I could find because I admitted myself to be a severe gaming / internet addict and took a year off uni. After 8 months away from school, I am increasingly confident about my being able to graduate in some form. It's probably too early to start saying thank-yous, because my addiction / depression is not fully gone. I will continue posting from time to time, but not very frequently, let alone daily. Edit: Maybe another reason is that my most pressing issue has shifted from addiction to communication malfunction. This forum is GameQuitters, not DevelopmentalDisorders.
  4. taichi

    Journal

    My gaming / YouTube / porn abstention is nearing the end of week 8. I'm almost out of the woods in terms of DeltaFosB accumulation 😇 I'm feeling stronger and mentally balanced, and looking at my physical journal entries around Feb~March, I can't believe how depressed this person was. Going for a easy hiking + camping trip with an old friend the coming week, which invitation I would have definitely turned down in February. It's bliss to be feeling like my body could do something. It would be even greater bliss to allow myself to be mediocre.
  5. taichi

    Journal

    @Ambassador Watched it! The final remark was really sweet. "Maths" could be replaced with any difficult & important thing:
  6. taichi

    Journal

    @Ambassador That's okay, I have a website blocker on so I can't access bingey websites anyway. I need to borrow somebody else's PC to watch that video, which I haven't yet.
  7. taichi

    Journal

    Thank you @AssellusPrimus for the beautifully comprehensive hacklist. I usually don't like self-improvement stuff, but this one rings like a open-tuned dreadnought guitar. I would love to be able to honestly hold my brain's peculiarities as a gift. I have 4, 5, 7 sorted and am currently working on 8 in the brilliant Kon-Mari method 😊 Nice to have a list to tick off.
  8. taichi

    Journal

    That sounds like a silly kind of hell. And I agree I think I live in one of those 🤣 And oh is that a Matt Parker video? I'm on a YouTube abstention but I do love Matt. Maybe I'll make it a cheat video tonight. Thanks for the recommendation. The thing is, yesterday I was shit by accident, and I did keep my head up, but also noticed my heart was crying like a grown up baby. I'm going to tell that insecure baby what you @Ambassador and @Phoenixking have told me today. Thank you!
  9. taichi

    Journal

    My psychiatrist pointed out ADD in me, which means I have ASD, ADD and NPD. I'm honestly feeling totally relieved about myself, knowing that I'm not a shithead devil, and each major flaw in me has its place in medical care.
  10. taichi

    Journal

    @Phoenixking I know that's right, at least right on paper, but I never felt like it was okay. My damaged core self-esteem makes improvement look like hell.
  11. taichi

    Journal

    I hate being shit at things. I always choose to not try a difficult looking thing, but make the choice subtle so that even I don't realise my own sneaky avoidance. When I am accidentally shit at something, under my indifferent mask I am shaken and crying, and I make a subconscious vow to never try that thing again.
  12. taichi

    Journal

    Went to see my cousin who now lives in the countryside. Their house doesn't have internet or TV signal, which apparently was a deliberate decision by my aunt. So my cousin's entertainment is the river just outside, the lake Sagami, some CDs & DVDs that they own, and radio (also a few tv recordings that he plays over and over). Spent a Saturday with them, talking, watching his favourite band's live DVD, cooking, and juggling. It wasn't a blast but it was a restorative experience.
  13. Laughed hard at that. That must have been great. I'm weirdly inclined to say a hilarious gig is worth foot pain, but as your foot seems to be in a really poor state, please take good care. I'm sure nobody gets pissed off over such an appropriate police call. Good luck on the cleaning up but be really careful about your foot!
  14. taichi

    Journal

    Feeling gloriously peaceful again. At least this euphoria feels better than a sob.
  15. taichi

    Journal

    That great feeling last morning faded away as the day went by and I was feeling a sob in the evening. Maybe I should be the most careful about mood swings. Keep them manageable.
  16. You remind me how grateful I am for what Cam has created. When it comes to addiction, knowledge is the most powerful & radical cure. Without Cam's work, I might still be without this knowledge - deep in depression, swinging blindly between addiction's heavy gloom & withdrawal's fierce stress. Just saying "I am a gaming addict" made so much fall into place for me. I'm hoping the forum will be of great help to you too! Good luck😊
  17. taichi

    Journal

    I'm feeling really good today. This is the best I've felt in the morning for a long while. Looking back at this post, I see what I need to be careful about. 1. The right amount of exercise really makes me feel great. Only the right amount is very very little! 2. Maybe ejaculate once a week and keep it at that. I masturbated on Monday but still feeling full of energy today. 3. Being open to family has really helped. Even if they are acting impatient, explain my situation patiently. And then they may or may not listen, it doesn't really matter. 4. I have a modest action plan for my recovery, so that's rid me of any guilt. I am changing what I can change. 5. Having low confidence isn't bad in itself. Maintaining the "Beginners' Mind" in all situations is the key to bringing happiness to people & myself. 6. Having an argument with that person somehow attracted a new potential friend to me. The world is clearly not full of douche-bags, so I should keep speaking my mind.
  18. taichi

    Journal

    ASD communication training was really great. The conversation is patient-lead, so need to bring notes on what my communication-related struggles are. Listening to somebody with similar struggles felt very unsettling. Now I look back there was much common ground to be explored, but I kind of shut myself off.
  19. Glad you're alive and well 😃 I hear being sick as a foreigner in Japan can be quite expensive, tough luck for you there. My counsellor gave me this exact piece of advise just today. One thing at a time.
  20. taichi

    Journal

    The university counsellor pointed out a bipolar-like manic tendency in me, and advised me to work on things one by one, instead of phoning every support quarter all at once. I'm amazed at how brilliant & helpful this was. Decided to focus on the ASD communication training + seeing the psychiatrist every other week for now.
  21. taichi

    Journal

    The weather was exceptional today. Went to the park and let my body soak up the sunshine. Feeling content and peaceful.
  22. taichi

    Journal

    My urge to game is pretty much non-existent. I suppose I'm quite a lucky addict, in that the kind of game that I liked to play is rapidly disappearing from the market. *mild trigger warning (because I talk about a genre) Even the one I was playing until this February - March wasn't really perfect to me: The sexualized female characters were getting really annoying. Being picky about unnecessary gender bullshit can help if you're quitting games.
  23. @30_yrs_of_gaming The quote is from Your Brain On Porn, a website by Gary Wilson dedicated to internet porn addiction. I also recommend his book of the same title!
  24. taichi

    Journal

    I contacted my university counselling service because this anxious feeling is getting out of hand. Also found a government-funded support centre for connecting social recluses like me to society. Maybe have a look tomorrow. I should take advantage of every bit of help society offers.
  25. taichi

    Journal

    I am feeling like shit. Let's try to break it down. My Sunday jog was far far too much for me. Still aching all over. --> Stretch and rest. Having two wanks the day after jogging was a terrible idea. My energy is yet to come back. --> Take a few days to replenish. Pretending that I'm feeling better around my mother is really taxing on my emotional energy. --> Talk. I'm feeling guilty for being in this home everyday paying nothing. --> Rest and self-care is top priority now. Also this sounds a lot like depression so maybe tell psychiatrist. I have very low confidence in my personality since my girlfriend told me I lack empathy. --> ASD communication training will help. I feel like the world is full of douche-bags and nothing's going to get any better. --> Don't read that toxic blog ever again. Don't argue with that person ever again.
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