taichi

Cold Turkey Blocker Pro is pure gold. Make a "Never Ever" list (blocked) and a "Maybe a Bit" list (15 mins/day) and witness all of your zombie instincts dissolve. 15 minutes * 365 = 91.25 hours/yr max spent on nonsense internet manure.

That was a really good read. Thanks for sharing. I see you are a thoroughly diciplined person, but please don't beat yourself up for past behaviour. Addiction is not your fault, it is nobody's fault. Apologize and then leave the guilt behind :)

Found myself faintly daydreaming about games just now. Yesterday I moved my PC back on to my sitting desk (it was in a standing pc setup since last month), for need to write a certain short essay. Sitting in front of my PC slid me into that very farmiliar state of "I want more", and my YouTube consumption was at a unsettlingly high pace this morning. Being reminded of how utterly fucked up my brain is. Although my legs are quite fucked up too... Ought to return to my standing setup.

I like having sex. (feel free to quote me out of context)

Doing well.

Back to my abstention.

Thank you karabas. Dear me I have been doing that. Will try to minimize intake. Needed a day for this one to sink in, but you are very utterly right. Games are hardly on my mind right now. Still a long way to go, but I made a step. Thanks so much. I shall keep going. "Revolution from Within" by Gloria Steinem sorted me out single-handedly. Quite the read.

Very much this again. Feeling guilt about everything.

I am a piece of shit.

Feeling much less like a piece of shit.

Fuck I relapsed. Coldturkey 100-day block ended and I somehow justified "playing for a couple minutes" and the week that followed was hell. Now I'm on a 10-year block. Feeling like a piece of shit.

I should learn to make myself happy each day. I should also admit that the computer screen hardly ever makes me happy. Edit: also wanking never makes me happy. all there ever is on the other end is regret and fatigue.

Today was shit. I can't see my life going anywhere nice. I feel too tired to try anything. Here is a breakdown of why I might be feeling like shit. I am currently very hungry. I am feeling nauseous because I mistakenly drank tea with caffeine. I am physically exhausted from spending the weekend with my young and hyperactive cousin. I am stressed out because every path that I can imagine myself taking in the future is both lonely and painful. Because I cannot permit myself to live happily when I see the world around me turning to shit.

Day something (probably 53) Spent the weekend at the mountainside with family and friends. I learnt that my cousin has abandoned his smartphone and gaming consoles because he thinks they are no good. At age 13. I am so happy about him. It was great fun just cleaning off all the dust that had accumulated. The place we stayed at used to be my grandfather's personal workplace. This has been the longest I have come without playing video games, but I don't feel like that really makes a change. I spend most of my days in front of my computer, mindlessly entertained. Being in front of the screen puts me in a certain dazed state, and it does not feel nice.

Day 47 Back feeling quite nice.