taichi

Yeah so after I posted that my mind instantly drifted towards YouTube. What would have happened yesterday is I would start watching videos about that game I like and forget to feed myself until well into the afternoon. I know this and I need this to stop.

My mental life is run by YouTube and games, and it feels alienating and miserable. Put the console away & added domain blocks in `/etc/hosts`. The last time I did an abstention of this kind, I was a student and had a place to go and stuff to do. Now that I've dropped out and I don't have those things, I might need to try out different hobbies / mental engagements to keep me going. Also the lack of ADHD medication makes it pretty hard for me to concentrate. Maybe I should stop being stubborn about being meds free.

feeling considerably better after cooking and eating with my sister.

ok wow I need to write I tried to meditate for 20mins yesterday and the day before, and both times came out of it feeling quite tense and hyperactive. I had a compulsive wank this afternoon and right now I am feeling out of control. I played a game (I have been playing games quite liberally the last five months or so) in the weekend, a fighting one with online matchmaking. The competition was making my heart pound harder and harder after each new round, the emotional residue of which adds to how tense I am in random idle moments. There is a lot more I would like to write down here but shit is overwhelming and every person around feels like a threat and what have I done to myself

Lots on mind and feeling quite lost.

I acted like my repressedness is a thing of the past. I need to remember that recovery is not a black-or-white thing, and does not happen in a half-year.

Looking back at my years struggling in college and then losing my mother, it strikes me how little emotional release I had in those tough times. I don't think I even cried once in the month after learning about her terminal cancer. I suppose that's just how I was since childhood. The only way for me to access my negative feelings was the occasional fits of rage. The real sad thing is that I feel I'm not fully compassionate towards this past repressed self. Even though I know fully well this partial emotional blindness has its roots in my parenting, there is still a part of me who is ashamed at how incapable I have been in the past.

Heyy Phoenixking! Really cool to hear from you again, such a quick response too 🙂

A quick summary of what happened while I was inactive: I left university after September 2019 with the intent to return later on, which I haven't yet. My mother passed away April 2020, and me and my sister moved into our father's vacant home in Saitama a half-year later. I quit therapy entirely and am free of medication since November 2020. Maybe I'll make journaling a habit once again, maybe not.

Ok so um hello. My view of recovery has evolved quite a bit over the last couple of weeks, thanks to the book "The Tao of Fully Feeling" by Pete Walker. I've been meaning to read about Complex PTSD for quite a while, and I'm glad I finally did it. The thing is... Now that I know what my recovery might look like, I can't seem to get myself to actually do the work. This is probably the closest I have been to substantial psychological release, but it's just so hard to focus on. Instead of taking time to listen to my repressed feelings, I'm spending increasing amounts of time on screen. I even bought myself a game yesterday and played for 6 hours straight.

The last 3 days have been amazing. 1) My anti-depressant and ADD medication have kicked in and everything feels so much easier ? 2) My two greatest sources of anxiety, uni graduation and job-hunting, have both started to seem like clear and actionable goals. The crucial key to both of these improvements was the self-knowledge that I gained at my current psychiatrists and their developmental disorders group. As it turns out, there are people/organisations out there whose entire job is to help out people like me, who are having a hard time as ASD/ADHD young adults. A happy spiral of [ self-knowledge -> better at seeking help -> even more self-knowledge ] has taken off. Feeling a lot of positive momentum now.

No-one can be perfect all the time, we all have our bad days and bad weeks. Keep smiling, even amidst a mess?

This coming Saturday is day 90 of my "no gaming / video binge / porn" streak. Recently I've been feeling like not much has changed, but reading some of my older posts I have to admit there has been substantial progress. Well I'm still depressed & in my room most of the time, and once again a game is on my mind quite a lot. That doesn't change. Maybe this too could start changing bit by bit, now that I have a steady rhythm seeing my psychiatrist, and have connected with my university's student support centre. On top of that, on Friday I am seeing my new prof at university, as a preparation for my return to campus in October.

UBlock Origin is neat. Edited most of this post out because it was a lot of whining.

After my first ever 2-day hiking + camping trip at Oze National Park, I'm surprised at how much my body could do and how little fatigue I feel now. The highlight was walking down some frighteningly steep paths to see the Sanjo Falls, an enormous and gorgeous waterfall that we had to ourselves. A great big thanks goes to my best friend, who lent me shoes & rucksack, and carried all of the heavier equipment to make my rucksack lighter. Games were unexpectedly on my mind quite a lot. It turns out distinctively beautiful nature reminds me of the game's various playing areas. I found myself keen to play the game again, genuinely interested to roam the magnificent locations once again, which was a feeling I hadn't felt for a very long time. The addictive behaviour has become enticing again. A positive sign that my brain is reverting to its normal excitement levels! ? (I searched the web a bit for some nice screenshots, and found them quite underwhelming.) Addiction recovery, as I understand it now, is 1) letting the behaviour's excitement return, and then 2) ignoring it. From here on, it seems the new challenge is the ignoring. Glad it isn't looking like much of a challenge.