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taichi

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About taichi

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  1. taichi

    Journal

    Lots on mind and feeling quite lost.
  2. taichi

    Journal

    I acted like my repressedness is a thing of the past. I need to remember that recovery is not a black-or-white thing, and does not happen in a half-year.
  3. taichi

    Journal

    Looking back at my years struggling in college and then losing my mother, it strikes me how little emotional release I had in those tough times. I don't think I even cried once in the month after learning about her terminal cancer. I suppose that's just how I was since childhood. The only way for me to access my negative feelings was the occasional fits of rage. The real sad thing is that I feel I'm not fully compassionate towards this past repressed self. Even though I know fully well this partial emotional blindness has its roots in my parenting, there is still a part of me who is
  4. taichi

    Journal

    Heyy Phoenixking! Really cool to hear from you again, such a quick response too 🙂
  5. taichi

    Journal

    A quick summary of what happened while I was inactive: I left university after September 2019 with the intent to return later on, which I haven't yet. My mother passed away April 2020, and me and my sister moved into our father's vacant home in Saitama a half-year later. I quit therapy entirely and am free of medication since November 2020. Maybe I'll make journaling a habit once again, maybe not.
  6. taichi

    Journal

    Ok so um hello. My view of recovery has evolved quite a bit over the last couple of weeks, thanks to the book "The Tao of Fully Feeling" by Pete Walker. I've been meaning to read about Complex PTSD for quite a while, and I'm glad I finally did it. The thing is... Now that I know what my recovery might look like, I can't seem to get myself to actually do the work. This is probably the closest I have been to substantial psychological release, but it's just so hard to focus on. Instead of taking time to listen to my repressed feelings, I'm spending increasing amounts
  7. taichi

    Journal

    The last 3 days have been amazing. 1) My anti-depressant and ADD medication have kicked in and everything feels so much easier ? 2) My two greatest sources of anxiety, uni graduation and job-hunting, have both started to seem like clear and actionable goals. The crucial key to both of these improvements was the self-knowledge that I gained at my current psychiatrists and their developmental disorders group. As it turns out, there are people/organisations out there whose entire job is to help out people like me, who are having a hard time as ASD/ADHD young adults. A hap
  8. No-one can be perfect all the time, we all have our bad days and bad weeks. Keep smiling, even amidst a mess?
  9. taichi

    Journal

    This coming Saturday is day 90 of my "no gaming / video binge / porn" streak. Recently I've been feeling like not much has changed, but reading some of my older posts I have to admit there has been substantial progress. Well I'm still depressed & in my room most of the time, and once again a game is on my mind quite a lot. That doesn't change. Maybe this too could start changing bit by bit, now that I have a steady rhythm seeing my psychiatrist, and have connected with my university's student support centre. On top of that, on Friday I am seeing my new prof at universit
  10. taichi

    Journal

    UBlock Origin is neat. Edited most of this post out because it was a lot of whining.
  11. taichi

    Journal

    After my first ever 2-day hiking + camping trip at Oze National Park, I'm surprised at how much my body could do and how little fatigue I feel now. The highlight was walking down some frighteningly steep paths to see the Sanjo Falls, an enormous and gorgeous waterfall that we had to ourselves. A great big thanks goes to my best friend, who lent me shoes & rucksack, and carried all of the heavier equipment to make my rucksack lighter. Games were unexpectedly on my mind quite a lot. It turns out distinctively beautiful nature reminds me of the game's various playing are
  12. taichi

    Journal

    Recently I am feeling less and less inclined to post in this journal. This is probably a good thing, because it reflects how much support I have found outside of my room. I will keep attending my ASD/ADD communication training group, and see my psychiatrist every other week. I can also keep discussing my situation honestly with my family and dear one. And then I have my university's student support room. All this support I could find because I admitted myself to be a severe gaming / internet addict and took a year off uni. After 8 months away from school, I
  13. taichi

    Journal

    My gaming / YouTube / porn abstention is nearing the end of week 8. I'm almost out of the woods in terms of DeltaFosB accumulation ? I'm feeling stronger and mentally balanced, and looking at my physical journal entries around Feb~March, I can't believe how depressed this person was. Going for a easy hiking + camping trip with an old friend the coming week, which invitation I would have definitely turned down in February. It's bliss to be feeling like my body could do something. It would be even greater bliss to allow myself to be mediocre.
  14. taichi

    Journal

    @Ambassador Watched it! The final remark was really sweet. "Maths" could be replaced with any difficult & important thing:
  15. taichi

    Journal

    @Ambassador That's okay, I have a website blocker on so I can't access bingey websites anyway. I need to borrow somebody else's PC to watch that video, which I haven't yet.