taichi

Lots on mind and feeling quite lost.

I acted like my repressedness is a thing of the past. I need to remember that recovery is not a black-or-white thing, and does not happen in a half-year.

Looking back at my years struggling in college and then losing my mother, it strikes me how little emotional release I had in those tough times. I don't think I even cried once in the month after learning about her terminal cancer. I suppose that's just how I was since childhood. The only way for me to access my negative feelings was the occasional fits of rage. The real sad thing is that I feel I'm not fully compassionate towards this past repressed self. Even though I know fully well this partial emotional blindness has its roots in my parenting, there is still a part of me who is

Heyy Phoenixking! Really cool to hear from you again, such a quick response too 🙂

A quick summary of what happened while I was inactive: I left university after September 2019 with the intent to return later on, which I haven't yet. My mother passed away April 2020, and me and my sister moved into our father's vacant home in Saitama a half-year later. I quit therapy entirely and am free of medication since November 2020. Maybe I'll make journaling a habit once again, maybe not.

Ok so um hello. My view of recovery has evolved quite a bit over the last couple of weeks, thanks to the book "The Tao of Fully Feeling" by Pete Walker. I've been meaning to read about Complex PTSD for quite a while, and I'm glad I finally did it. The thing is... Now that I know what my recovery might look like, I can't seem to get myself to actually do the work. This is probably the closest I have been to substantial psychological release, but it's just so hard to focus on. Instead of taking time to listen to my repressed feelings, I'm spending increasing amounts

The last 3 days have been amazing. 1) My anti-depressant and ADD medication have kicked in and everything feels so much easier ? 2) My two greatest sources of anxiety, uni graduation and job-hunting, have both started to seem like clear and actionable goals. The crucial key to both of these improvements was the self-knowledge that I gained at my current psychiatrists and their developmental disorders group. As it turns out, there are people/organisations out there whose entire job is to help out people like me, who are having a hard time as ASD/ADHD young adults. A hap

No-one can be perfect all the time, we all have our bad days and bad weeks. Keep smiling, even amidst a mess?

This coming Saturday is day 90 of my "no gaming / video binge / porn" streak. Recently I've been feeling like not much has changed, but reading some of my older posts I have to admit there has been substantial progress. Well I'm still depressed & in my room most of the time, and once again a game is on my mind quite a lot. That doesn't change. Maybe this too could start changing bit by bit, now that I have a steady rhythm seeing my psychiatrist, and have connected with my university's student support centre. On top of that, on Friday I am seeing my new prof at universit

UBlock Origin is neat. Edited most of this post out because it was a lot of whining.

After my first ever 2-day hiking + camping trip at Oze National Park, I'm surprised at how much my body could do and how little fatigue I feel now. The highlight was walking down some frighteningly steep paths to see the Sanjo Falls, an enormous and gorgeous waterfall that we had to ourselves. A great big thanks goes to my best friend, who lent me shoes & rucksack, and carried all of the heavier equipment to make my rucksack lighter. Games were unexpectedly on my mind quite a lot. It turns out distinctively beautiful nature reminds me of the game's various playing are

Recently I am feeling less and less inclined to post in this journal. This is probably a good thing, because it reflects how much support I have found outside of my room. I will keep attending my ASD/ADD communication training group, and see my psychiatrist every other week. I can also keep discussing my situation honestly with my family and dear one. And then I have my university's student support room. All this support I could find because I admitted myself to be a severe gaming / internet addict and took a year off uni. After 8 months away from school, I

My gaming / YouTube / porn abstention is nearing the end of week 8. I'm almost out of the woods in terms of DeltaFosB accumulation ? I'm feeling stronger and mentally balanced, and looking at my physical journal entries around Feb~March, I can't believe how depressed this person was. Going for a easy hiking + camping trip with an old friend the coming week, which invitation I would have definitely turned down in February. It's bliss to be feeling like my body could do something. It would be even greater bliss to allow myself to be mediocre.

@Ambassador Watched it! The final remark was really sweet. "Maths" could be replaced with any difficult & important thing:

@Ambassador That's okay, I have a website blocker on so I can't access bingey websites anyway. I need to borrow somebody else's PC to watch that video, which I haven't yet.