taichi

I uninstalled my Blocker to play my game again. Which to be honest I was pretending to myself to be impossible. There is this emergency removal tool that's a hidden URL in the Blocker's website. I had this URL sent to me when my Blocker was genuinely bugged and broken. At one point I kind of noticed I still had the email with the link in it. And left it that way. On an emotional level, I don't really know what happened. Waking up and feeding myself and doing all the housework was getting harder and harder each day. Family members telling me things like "Your mum is lucky to have you at her support everyday" (which I totally wasn't) was quite immobilizing to me. Also the fact that pretty much nobody in my family thinks gaming addiction is a real thing, even after my explaining quite a few times, was grinding on me harder than ever. Feeling the pressure of "well just get working now that you've got something to do; your whole problem was that you had nothing important to do." Which point of view I kind of started to adopt: "Do I even have a problem?" Once again it has become very obvious that I do have a problem and it is a gaming addiction and it is bad. After a few days of gaming 5-8hrs/day I am feeling like shit and can't stop feeling like shit. In fact this is possibly the worst I have ever felt in my life.

ok I had a little slip up ahaha fuck I'm back on my ColdTurkey block, now stronger than ever before (closed down the little loophole that I abused for this relapse)

Apparently the most stressful part of chemotherapy comes in a week or so. No new info so far, good or bad. I'm thankful for the hospital and its nurses and doctors. Honestly not sure what the appropriate level of alarmed-ness is.

I am quite fiercely craving my game right now, need to cool down and reassess

Mommy will be staying in hospital for the next 2 months. Planning to go see her every other day or so, maybe bring her some high protein food as a bento. I cannot afford to be wanking my penis off and neglecting my body's needs. Self-care will be first priority.

Thanks for your unchanging support. All the best to you and everyone you care about. Thank you. Needed that.

Found out on Monday that mommy has cervical cancer stage III. Just about kept it together this week, preparing for her 2 month radiotherapy, but I can almost hear myself crumbling away. I'm always on the pc for no reason, not resting when I really really should be.

Cold Turkey Blocker Pro is pure gold. Make a "Never Ever" list (blocked) and a "Maybe a Bit" list (15 mins/day) and witness all of your zombie instincts dissolve. 15 minutes * 365 = 91.25 hours/yr max spent on nonsense internet manure.

That was a really good read. Thanks for sharing. I see you are a thoroughly diciplined person, but please don't beat yourself up for past behaviour. Addiction is not your fault, it is nobody's fault. Apologize and then leave the guilt behind :)

Found myself faintly daydreaming about games just now. Yesterday I moved my PC back on to my sitting desk (it was in a standing pc setup since last month), for need to write a certain short essay. Sitting in front of my PC slid me into that very farmiliar state of "I want more", and my YouTube consumption was at a unsettlingly high pace this morning. Being reminded of how utterly fucked up my brain is. Although my legs are quite fucked up too... Ought to return to my standing setup.

I like having sex. (feel free to quote me out of context)

Doing well.

Back to my abstention.

Thank you karabas. Dear me I have been doing that. Will try to minimize intake. Needed a day for this one to sink in, but you are very utterly right. Games are hardly on my mind right now. Still a long way to go, but I made a step. Thanks so much. I shall keep going. "Revolution from Within" by Gloria Steinem sorted me out single-handedly. Quite the read.

Very much this again. Feeling guilt about everything.