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taichi
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  • 1 year later...

Ok so um hello.

My view of recovery has evolved quite a bit over the last couple of weeks, thanks to the book "The Tao of Fully Feeling" by Pete Walker.

I've been meaning to read about Complex PTSD for quite a while, and I'm glad I finally did it.

The thing is...

Now that I know what my recovery might look like, I can't seem to get myself to actually do the work.

This is probably the closest I have been to substantial psychological release, but it's just so hard to focus on.

Instead of taking time to listen to my repressed feelings, I'm spending increasing amounts of time on screen.

I even bought myself a game yesterday and played for 6 hours straight.

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Welcome back man.

Recovery is a slow and gradual process. It's super normal to want to quit or even actually start lessening the amount of hours played to then suddenly get confronted with all of the feelings you've been pushing away. I felt super sensitive after quitting just a little bit. I was so numbed for so long. And then obvious because of all of my repressed stuff, it all hit at once the moment I actually quit. So it's hard and it's super normal. Take your time and do what you feel is right. It's good to see after all this time you're still fighting the good fight 🙂 GANBATTEEEEE!!!

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  • 6 months later...

A quick summary of what happened while I was inactive:

I left university after September 2019 with the intent to return later on, which I haven't yet.

My mother passed away April 2020, and me and my sister moved into our father's vacant home in Saitama a half-year later.

I quit therapy entirely and am free of medication since November 2020.

 

Maybe I'll make journaling a habit once again, maybe not.

 

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1 hour ago, taichi said:

A quick summary of what happened while I was inactive:

I left university after September 2019 with the intent to return later on, which I haven't yet.

My mother passed away April 2020, and me and my sister moved into our father's vacant home in Saitama a half-year later.

I quit therapy entirely and am free of medication since November 2020.

 

Maybe I'll make journaling a habit once again, maybe not.

 

I sometimes still think about you man. I am so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart. I hope you can find a bit of peace and a bit of a new life in Saitama. 

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Looking back at my years struggling in college and then losing my mother, it strikes me how little emotional release I had in those tough times. I don't think I even cried once in the month after learning about her terminal cancer.

I suppose that's just how I was since childhood. The only way for me to access my negative feelings was the occasional fits of rage.

The real sad thing is that I feel I'm not fully compassionate towards this past repressed self. Even though I know fully well this partial emotional blindness has its roots in my parenting, there is still a part of me who is ashamed at how incapable I have been in the past.

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I acted like my repressedness is a thing of the past. I need to remember that recovery is not a black-or-white thing, and does not happen in a half-year.

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These things take time, bud. I'm still dealing with issues from about 15 years ago. Childhood is a period of your life that can truly have a huge impact and big things don't get solved in just 1 day. It takes time to create perspective and to let things go. I'd say you're already doing a great job realizing that you're a bit repressed. I'm kind of going through the same thing in therapy right now. Emotions can be scary and the process of learning how to deal with them is complicated. Like learning how to ride a bike to a baby. First they need to be able to crawl, then walk and not fall down and then after they can run, you can start thinking about learning to ride a bike. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

ok wow I need to write

I tried to meditate for 20mins yesterday and the day before, and both times came out of it feeling quite tense and hyperactive. I had a compulsive wank this afternoon and right now I am feeling out of control.

I played a game (I have been playing games quite liberally the last five months or so) in the weekend, a fighting one with online matchmaking. The competition was making my heart pound harder and harder after each new round, the emotional residue of which adds to how tense I am in random idle moments.

There is a lot more I would like to write down here but shit is overwhelming and every person around feels like a threat and what have I done to myself

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My mental life is run by YouTube and games, and it feels alienating and miserable.

Put the console away & added domain blocks in `/etc/hosts`.

 

The last time I did an abstention of this kind, I was a student and had a place to go and stuff to do. Now that I've dropped out and I don't have those things, I might need to try out different hobbies / mental engagements to keep me going.

Also the lack of ADHD medication makes it pretty hard for me to concentrate. Maybe I should stop being stubborn about being meds free.

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Yeah so after I posted that my mind instantly drifted towards YouTube. What would have happened yesterday is I would start watching videos about that game I like and forget to feed myself until well into the afternoon. I know this and I need this to stop.

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