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taichi

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Starting to think differently about games and such.

Do I really need to be 100% perfectly free from distractions? Isn't that just another iteration of my recurring perfectionist dead-ends?

What I really might need to do, like, right away, is to wrestle with my perfectionist/narcissist personality.

 

My habit of acting like a shithead wanker and self-neglecting all day is most likely a key component of the narcissist cycle.

When a covert narcissist like me is in danger of being mediocre, they make sure to be straight down terrible, in order to defend theirself.

Therefore practicing self care and keeping myself sane should be a more practical goal than quit games.

 

I hate games enough that it would suffice to work toward the goal of "practice self care" anyway. Not doing things that I hate is implied therein.

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21 hours ago, taichi said:

My parents are slightly dysfunctional people in their own rights, I suppose. A lack of trust, empathy and self-respect is what I learnt from them.

The sins of your parents are theirs, not yours. I can understand though, my parents are batshit crazy. I'm relatively normal nowadays but I used to bounce off the walls. I still carry their bad elements inside of me but I now realize that I can choose to be better than them. And I can surely say that I've surpassed them both.

Take care of yourself man ! ? I love watching you grow

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Day 3

Natto is genius. 

 

Reading on gender. Also booked an appointment at the school career counsellor.

Edited by taichi
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Day 4

Got very wanky. Gonna take a shower and come back for some journaling.

 

I am back. Feeling clean and well.

Reading and listening to gender equalitist stuff made me dive into that all familiar mode of "I'm gonna make this my job and be brilliant".

Once in the mode, I picture these specific situations where I'm in front of people, doing the thing professionally and killing it. I'm also very socially influential and famous.

 

Well. In reality I'm not. And I'm not going to be a professional anything any time soon. Maybe I'll write a paragraph in my thesis, and that's it.

I'm also not going to have a famous curry place, or be a prominent environment activist, or even be a vegan.

All of which, from time to time, I convince myself I am.

 

I need to make my grandiose imagination shut up. It only leads me into the darker side of the cycle that is narcissism.

And in the meantime, I should just do what I can do right now.

Edited by taichi
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Day 6

Having big grandiose ideas might be useful as a entrepreneur or politician. That is, making it as a functional narcissist is a path.

But to be realistic, I need good mentors/friends and financial independence to do that. So far I haven't found either.

Also I don't particularly want to be an entrepreneur or politician.

 

What I want to be, I currently have no idea. No idea as in not a single idea.

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Day 7

Started doing my little morning stretch routine again. I should exercise more.

 

Cleaned my room fairly thoroughly. Feeling refreshed.

Edited by taichi

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Day 10 or something, what am I counting?

Feeling very self-neglecty today. Need to be sane.

 

Made myself a decent lunch with leftover stuff. Proud of that.

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Day 0

The last few days have been like the "Just don't take heroin" skit from Mitchell and Webb. "Just stay sane and practice self-care".

Even if I hate games, "just staying away" isn't possible when I also get sucked in by games.

 

Going cold turkey for 90 days.

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10 hours ago, taichi said:

Day 0

I'm sorry to hear that man. I activated email updates so I get a notification when you post something here. I was a tad sad to see you had fallen a bit, I want you to do well. I have my eye on you, dude. Is there anything I can do?

There is no shame in being pushed back a step by some big obstacle. On the contrary. I just had to start all over. Most things in my life are a mess now. But the tiny things that I like are starting to slowly gain ground. Véry slowly. But there's is a bit of progress. Maybe you should try to focus on the little things first? Baby steps!

Did you not go cold turkey before? Did you game from time to time? Or am I misinterpreting?

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Day 1

Oh hello. I like where this is going. Morning feels much nicer when you're not diving straight into distractions.

The summer heat's subsided quite abruptly and my body is confused. Must take care.

4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

There is no shame in being pushed back a step by some big obstacle. On the contrary. I just had to start all over. Most things in my life are a mess now. But the tiny things that I like are starting to slowly gain ground. Véry slowly. But there's is a bit of progress. Maybe you should try to focus on the little things first? Baby steps!

Yeah, I'm ready to admit this is a heavy heavy stone to lift. Whatever it is.

I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling your best. Take your time and be kind to yourself. Baby steps are the tangible steps that take you places.

4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Did you not go cold turkey before? Did you game from time to time? Or am I misinterpreting?

Yes, these last couple of weeks I have been gaming from time to time. Turned out to be a bad idea.

I was thinking my focus shouldn't be on game-quitting, but then I don't have any focus when I'm playing games.

It still holds that I need to focus on my personality and how it's holding me back from life. Abstaining from distractions is a means to said end.

 

Going to try learning Python again, because I'm quite certain I enjoy and excel at that kind of thing.

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The whole point of the detox is, in my opinion, not necessarily to make you quit games. Nobody is forcing or forbidding you to do or not do anything, you make your own decision in the end. But I figured that if I can't quit something for a mere 90 days, it has some form of control over me that is stronger than I am. And I don't want technology to be the boss of me. I am the boss of my phone or PC, not the other way around. Quitting games for at least 90 days has tonnes of benefits. Have you read the book and are you doing the exercises? There is sooo much help in there.

It's true that the true changes come from within. Games are not the root of all evil. Removing them from your life is no guarantee for progress. You making an effort is what creates progress ? It's just that games are kind of in the way of that or at least slow that down significantly.  

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Day 2

Caught a cold from the sudden drop in temperature. Yesterday was a lot of sleeping.

Hoping I can fortify my frail body slowly. Any kind of proper exercise feels very much out of my reach

 

2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Games are not the root of all evil. Removing them from your life is no guarantee for progress. You making an effort is what creates progress ? It's just that games are kind of in the way of that or at least slow that down significantly.

Yes. From the other 20-day-ish streaks I had, I understand that just counting the days doesn't magically move me forward.

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Day 4

Haven't felt good for a long time. Better find some positivity that isn't far-fetched.

Did some squats, push-ups and 3 kg dumbbells. This feels nice.

Also watched Berkeley's CS 61A up to lesson 4. Then had a nosebleed.

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Day 5

Body's wrecked but in a happy way. Gonna keep training & studying.

Did a bit of leg-lifting-while-laying-down, whatever that's actually called. That was all for the training today.

Watched Berkeley CS 61A up to lesson 11. Skipped 5 and 6 because that was a guest lecture.

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Day 6

Been sleeping poorly these few days. Dreams are either life-threateningly dangerous or deeply embarrassing. Maybe make a nighttime routine after 11 pm.

Today's exercise was some push-ups, squats, and a core strength anti rotation thing.

Watched Berkeley CS 61A up to lesson 16.

Edited by taichi

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Day 7

Well I played a game. For about 40 minutes. Not really bothered about that, because I enjoy learning computer science much more.

Watched Berkeley CS 61A up to lesson 22.

I need to learn how to rest, because apparently I never did. Resting is essential to living a healthy life, that much I know.

Met up with friends from uni music circle. It was great to open up about my situation.

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Day 8

Feeling refreshed.

Also very tired from staying out late yesterday. Made my bed for some quality sleep.

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Day 9

Not entirely rested, maybe take it easy today.

 

Somehow feeling even more fucked up now.

I'm thinking it's exhaustion. On Tuesday I was already pushing myself, and then 4 days of proper hard work.

Resting must come in rhythms, and one ancient rhythm of rest is the 7 days of the week.

This rhythm is absent in my current way of life. Rest was well overdue.

 

I'm going to take some days of rest, see if I can wake up refreshed again.

The good thing is that I have a passion to pursue, which is learning how to code.

If it gives me a few mental breakdowns on the way, I wouldn't mind.

Edited by taichi

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Day 10

Couldn't sleep till 3 am. Feeling restless.

 

Had a walk outside. Don't regret it but it was not resting.

Considering taking a year off from uni.

Edited by taichi

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Day 12

Stayed over at an old friend's house.

I guess I only half meant it when I said seeing uni friends was great.

This was just great.

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Day 13

It says Veteran beneath my name, and I'm still struggling greatly.

Goes to demonstrate how fierce the addiction is.

 

Talked to my prof at uni. I am deeply grateful for his kindness and understanding.

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Day 14

Feeling like my brain has become that heavy rubber ball thing for training back strength.

 

Reading "The Power of Habit".

I hate how the book is mainly about business and leadership, but Part One was relevant af.

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Kind-of read "The Power of Habit". Skipped most of the hospitals, supermarkets, and black rights movement chapters.

  • Complicated tasks can become automatic because our brains are like that.
  • We are always peeking for a cue, and when it arrives the autopilot kicks in. Once done, the usual reward is confirmed and reinforces the habit.
  • Habits don't really disappear. Modify them by following the existing cues with carefully crafted new routines.

That much was relevant to the title.

  • When making a change, you need to believe it is possible.
  • Structure your life so the small wins keep you advancing.

Not really habit-related, but great advice.

Edited by taichi

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