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Question of the week: What are you grateful for?

karabas

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Everything posted by karabas

  1. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Day 0/120 I'm starting this as I started my last detox, at day 0 and a pretty crappy day it was. I've been gaming for about 2 weeks now, which isn't that much. But it's just an extension of my whole addiction problem: for a good month before that I had a problem with videos and even books. The result is that I haven't been productive since June. I'm traveling to my home country in a few days to help my parents out with some stuff and will be there for a month. It'll be particularly important for me to have the time to work while I'm helping them. So I can't do this nonsense. So I'm restarting my detox, including games and videos, and addictive books (fiction mostly). Last time what caused me to slip was: 1) reminders of my past habits (such as news about games) 2) "excusable" videos: TED talks, random videos I saw that was relevant to my interests, and the damned world cup I've deleted most of my sources for the above (cleared history on youtube, etc). I need to get off of facebook as well. I also need to spend more time away from the computer, so I'm going to try again to get away after every 2 hours and run the pomodorro timer otherwise. I also need to start writing out my day's tasks and hourly breakdown again. I was able to do 90 days last detox, so I'm increasing it to 120 this time. If I can go addiction free for 120 days straight, that's a third of the year. Even if I relapse after, it's a long way without addictive behaviour. I'm kind of in a conundrum: what happens if I break my detox in videos? Videos are definitely not as bad for me as games, but videos lead to games. At the same time, if I break my detox through videos, I'll say "eff it" and will go back to gaming as well. I need to try to do both I guess - that's the only idea I have for now. Even if games aren't in and of themselves that bad for me, they end being really bad as part of my addictive behavior. So, here we go again...
  2. karabas

    Journey to my white coat

    Agreed with Tom. Even if you relapsed, just look back at your past months that you've spent posting on these forums and count the number of days you've been productive and moving towards your goals vs the number of the days you've spent gaming. Pretty clearly a win. You've got this!
  3. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Day 1/30 |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Pomodorro Lvl 2 (56/100) Sleep before 12am: 0 (longest streak: 17) No phone in washroom 1/30 Umra resolutions (50%): 2/30 30-minute study: 3/30 Better, thank God. Video cravings still there, but under control so far.
  4. karabas

    JustTom's Journal 3

    That's an interesting insight. I think I'm pretty guilty of this, too. When I'm firing on all cylinders, I start projecting into the future, like "If I work this many hours every week this year, I'll hit all my financial goals and it'll be awesome!" and then I relapse on entertainment and spend a month doing next to nothing and feel crap about myself and like I'm betraying myself. I gotta have a recipe for those days. I think I'm going to ask the wife to go out with me, go for food or just a long walk or whatever. Accept that productivity ain't happening, that I gotta reset, and just try again the next day...
  5. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Yeah, maybe. I googled it, there are two places (that I could easily find) that offer ~$90/month (less if you pay monthly), although taxis will cost me another $80/month or so. That's quite pricey by local standards, but overall not bad. And yeah, I could count it as a business expense. Let's see. I might try it out. Taxi-ing every day is a bit annoying - that's really what's the biggest barrier for me, I think.
  6. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Guilty as charged. I should put an asterisk on the word "like", though. I like the books. The show was good until it passed the books. Now I just want to know how it all ends since it's going to be another 10 years or more until GRRM finishes everything up. 😄 There must be a space somewhere in this city (although the major co-working space in the country isn't available), but I see two problems with it: 1) It'll probably be a daily commute, which is time & money consuming. 2) I'm still sort of "alone" in a coworking space. If I start gaming on watching vids, nobody's going to look at me weird there. Whereas at home, I prefer not to do it in front of my wife... so the social pressure is greater at home. So I dunno if it's actually better in my case...
  7. karabas

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Hey man, hope all's well ❤️
  8. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Day 0/30 |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Pomodorro Lvl 2 (56/100) Sleep before 12am: 0 (longest streak: 17) No phone in washroom 0/30 Umra resolutions (50%): 1/30 30-minute study: 2/30 Ok, clearly 120 days is a bit beyond me right now. I need a smaller, more realistic target. I can try going for 30 days, that seems more doable. A show I really like is coming out in that time period. If it gets really bad, I'll try to content myself with reading episode summaries. That has helped me in the past. At least gaming cravings seem to have died down significantly. I just need to deal with my video watching. Spent most of the day doing that today. I think partially it's the fact that I'm in my office alone most of the day, but it's not all of it. Cravings to watch something or to game can be so strong sometimes, it's overwhelming. I try to push through and end up caving, because I'm so worried about productivity. I think I need to bite the bullet and get out of the house in those circumstances. Long-term gain, hopefully? I need to think about this more and pay attention. I've gotten lazy with journaling here...
  9. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Meh. Back to crap again. Yesterday had ridiculous cravings for games and spent half the day watching gaming vids. Literally the only thing stopping me so far has been the price tag of the game. Tried playing a few old DOS games online, but dosbox doesn't work very well on a Mac. Yet another reason to have a mac if you're a gaming addict! Today has been "better" in that I binge-watched 3 seasons of a show (ok, to be fair, I skipped around a lot). Went from 8am to 4pm straight and then wasted the rest of the day pretty much. But no gaming cravings and I actually feel like being productive tomorrow (I think), which would be a change. So I guess let's see? I've asked my wife to help with going to bed early and I'm hoping that'll help me in the long term. Sigh. This is probably the crappiest I've been since August...
  10. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Sleep before 12am: 1 (longest streak: 17) No phone in washroom 1/120 Umra resolutions (50%): 1/30 30-minute study: 1/90 Work Hours: 9:10 so far I've really made an effort (with the help of the wife) to sleep earlier. Stayed up after morning prayer yesterday and today and have had overall productive days. Trying to get back into my spiritual habits & study, as well as not using the phone in a washroom (a huge time suck for me!). Overall, I'm feeling pretty good. But my video consumption is still pretty bad. I've been watching let's play videos of my favorite game and the only thing that's stopping me is the $200+ cost of the game with all its DLCs (and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it without the DLCs). I did even play 5 minutes of an old 1990s game, but it quickly felt stupid and I quit. I'm hoping I can build up enough energy & motivation to finally stop consuming these videos and get away from my looming gaming relapse. I think the biggest factor for me has been my sleep routine and level of fatigue. If I feel rested, I do just fine. It's when I'm constantly sleeping late that this nonsense starts. So I need to take better care of my sleep and hopefully recover from all of this, God willing.
  11. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    i'm struggling. binge-watched 2 seasons of show a few days back, lost a whole day's worth of work. i've started watching gaming vids and the desire to game is pretty strong. the thing that's stopping me at the moment is that I'd need to fork over $200+ for the game that I want to play and all the DLCs that go with it. And to top all that, I'm not really feeling like doing any work on myself, re-starting the detox, etc. I don't even feel like working or launching my business (SO close). Sigh...
  12. karabas

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Maybe try giving yourself some regular down time and see how it works out? Obviously should be away from computer. Another thing I realized is the problem may be that you live alone. I made a lot of progress when my wife started working out of the same room as me, which meant that I couldn't game without her seeing and I stopped. It might help if you have a roommate... might also be a way to get that down time by hanging out...
  13. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    pretty much a fail all around so far. i have a new fad: podcasts. I started listening to them as I was helping my wife around the house, making meals, etc. I found some really interesting ones and now I'm listening to them in the bathroom and staying up late because I want to finish an episode. sleep has been a major problem for me. going to try to focus on once again getting off the tit of the phone, whether visual or aural, and getting to bed on time. these are key for me right now if i want to get back to being productive.
  14. karabas

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Well, Cam does have that new retreat thing... but it might not be such a bad idea to just get away from everything (if it's possible). Buy a dumb phone and an old-school guidebook with maps and go off the grid for a while. I think it'll give you that opportunity to figure yourself out spiritually also. I know what you mean about the skill of just doing enough to get away with things. Did that all through high school, college, work, and part of my marriage. Don't beat yourself up too much. The reason you fall into this behavior is because you're an addict. That's what addicts do, they sometimes relapse. You'll figure this out, it just takes time. I know I've been able to stay from games for over 6 months now, but the reality is that I've been trying to stop my gaming addiction since 2010. It's a lot of hard-wired behavior to overcome. I do get the sense from you that when you're on the detox, you're always "going". It doesn't seem like you allow yourself any downtime. It's like you always have to be doing something: gym, school, pickup, whatever. I think that's part of the problem of our modern lives: we're always plugged in and always trying to "maximize" our daily "efficiency". Our brains need down time. I'm Muslim so I end up grabbing at least 25-30 minutes a day by virtue of the daily prayers + some more time because of my spiritual routines. Whatever it is, I think you need to work in some down time for yourself. Think of it as a time investment. Also, have you tried doing "morning pages"? Google it - I think it's a good practice for us tech-addict types.
  15. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Thanks for checking in man. I'm actually overall OK productivity-wise. I've been struggling with the video detox somewhat. I keep off for a few days, then come back to it. But I don't relapse in the sense of non-stop binge-watching, so it's not SUPER damaging. But it still manages to waste an hour or two a day and I need those hours! I can finally talk about this (didn't want to before), but the biggest thing that happened recently is that my wife got pregnant. We were super excited (we've been married for a long time and are in a good place to have a kid overall), but unfortunately it turned into a miscarriage. We just got back from the hospital yesterday after the procedure to remove the embryo. Productivity-wise, it was a tough period. She really wasn't feeling well, so I had to take over pretty much everything in the household + take care of her. I was happy to do it, but obviously it ate into my work hours & sleep. I slept like 16 hours last night to make up for it. I don't think I've slept this long since college. Emotionally, it was a roller coaster. You look at life completely differently when you realize you might be a father. There were certain things about myself that I felt like were absolutely necessary to fix before the kid is born. My tech addiction is one thing. Being overweight is another (I gained weight in the last year of college and haven't gotten rid of it ever since). I started working out and have been pretty consistent with it for over 2 weeks now. Another thing is being established financially: it's something that I've been working on primarily over the past year or so, but I guess it gave me an even stronger impetus to do so. Once we found out the baby wasn't going to come, it was difficult. But at the same time, we both realize that all of this is from God anyway. We prayed a lot when in Mecca & Medina for children when the time is right and only if they'd grow up (and we'd be able to fulfill their rights). So we're happy to not have children if these things wouldn't align. Overall, I'm just exhausted physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, most of my routines went out the window last several weeks. I'm going to try to get back into them, but we're traveling in a month, so it looks like I'm in for a disruption again. *sigh* Will do my best to start updating more regularly from now on.
  16. karabas

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Sorry to hear you relapsed man. But this is also productive. I think you have to get to a point where you recognize that games are bad for you at a visceral level. If it's ingrained in you and not just a mental theory, it becomes easier to abstain. I find that as you spend more time off games, you tend to forget more about how bad they were, but by that point you'll hopefully have a life that you just won't want to lose by relapsing. I wonder if you can room with someone. Living alone is death for an addict. I honestly don't know how well I would've recovered if I wasn't married and a big step in my recovery was when I asked my wife to move her work desk into my office so that I'm not always alone with the comp. I know a roommate is not quite the same and might not be interested in helping you recover, but even just having that person there might make it too embarrassing to game 16 hours a day...
  17. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Day 12/120 |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Pomodorro Lvl 2 (56/100) Sleep before 12am: 0 (longest streak: 17) No phone in washroom 44/120 Umra resolutions (50%): 15/30 30-minute study: 0/90 Work Hours: 41:35 over the last week! Pretty much the same. Very happy about having being able to put the work hours in, although it's still eating into my other activities.
  18. karabas

    Mohammad's Journal

    That's an important reflection. Do you still watch gaming vids? If so, that may be something you need to limit. I've found a lot of benefit in clearing all my youtube history (including search), unsubscribing from all channels that have a negative impact on my gaming, and installing a chrome app that blocks youtube suggestions & the like. This way when i do have to go on YouTube, it 1) doesn't remind me about games I like and 2) doesn't pull me into the endless watching abyss. From my own experience and that of some of the folks on here, gaming vids are a common trigger, so you need to ensure you avoid it & set up methods to do so.
  19. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    lol yeah. i realize my journal is now a bit outside of the main gamequitters territory 🙂 i'm hoping gaming is no longer a thing for me (although I've had the urge to game recently, which is a concern), but i also don't see a lot of difference between being hooked on games and being hooked on videos. the process for getting rid of both is definitely the same and I enjoy the community. it'd be kinda lame to have to go look for a "videoquitters" community, if that even exists lol.
  20. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Day 10/120 |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Pomodorro Lvl 2 (56/100) Sleep before 12am: 0 (longest streak: 17) No phone in washroom 42/120 Umra resolutions (50%): 13/30 30-minute study: 0/90 Work Hours: 27:45 this week (I'm ahead!) I have something going in my life right now that's taking a LOT of time out of my schedule. Don't really want to share at the moment - will do later, God willing. So the fact that after spending most of Friday working, I'm actually ahead of schedule in terms of work hours is huge! To be fair, I had to decrease my spiritual resolutions by 50% and the study thing has not been happening (also had no class this week, and that's a good 8 hours or so out of my week), but at least the work is happening. I'm super behind on a lot of client work, but it looks like I'm slowly digging myself out of the hole. It's also not a bad hole to be in: I have a LOT of work. The only downside is that my business is once again on semi-hold. But I'm within shooting range now, I need maybe another 5 hours to start SOME stuff going.
  21. karabas

    Ninety Days Worth the Pain

    Yep. Your flaws are not you, because flaws can come and go. They're not essential to you & you shouldn't identify with them. If you accept that, then it becomes very easy to get very "tactical" about it: focus on how to eliminate one at a time. Never heard that before, but that's awesome!
  22. karabas

    Karabas's Journal: Part 2

    Day 7/120 |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Pomodorro Lvl 2 (56/100) Sleep before 12am: 3ish (longest streak: 17) No phone in washroom 39/120 Umra resolutions (50%): 10/30 30-minute study: 8/90 Work Hours: 6:00 (9:10 this week) Ok. Went to sleep slightly past midnight. This is a second night in a row I'm counting it as a win, so tonight I gotta get to sleep before midnight or I'm restarting that counter. Everything else going OK. I have a ton of work and super behind on all my clients' stuff, primarily because of the relapses.
  23. karabas

    Mohammad's Journal

    Not to worry! What was the trigger? How were you feeling before it happened? Nostalgic? Tired? Bored? You need to analyze what happened & make adjustments to your detox plan to prevent it from happening next time.
  24. karabas

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Actually, in retrospect, we're talking about the same thing here really, aren't we? Which is: don't identify with your flaws. Your flaws are not you, you are something bigger than that and you show love and want what's best for this "bigger" you. Sorry for the rant lol, I get carried away sometimes 🙂
  25. karabas

    JustTom's Journal 3

    There are two issues here. One is that unconditional love doesn't entail a lack of criticism. You can love yourself and admit that you have flaws. Otherwise, just go out and game until death do you part! Secondly, what is the "self"? This is a metaphysical question, obviously. In the spiritual tradition that I belong to (Islam), the "self" or the "soul" is one's potential for perfection & Divine communion. The flaws are not part of it and you shouldn't identify with your flaws. You should identify with that potential for perfection that you have. The flaws simply prevent that potential from becoming apparent. So, as I understand it, loving oneself would imply loving that perfection that one can uncover in oneself. But if you mean to say to not see the flaws as flaws... that's an entirely different thing and has some problematic implications...
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