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taichi

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Day 27

I want to do something. There is just too much time in a day. Some quick ideas are

  • Study. Read on sociology. Watch computer science video courses. Read anything else.
  • Go see my grandparents. I have been distant for a couple of years, their aging scares me. Better make time with them while I can.
  • Buy myself some new clothes. This takes a lot of mental energy for me, practice should make it easier.

 

Felt motivated like that in the morning, but now I'm out of energy. Not sure how I'm doing this to myself.

Edited by taichi

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4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Don't forget to relax too ? This is a stressful and difficult period for you with lots of big things you'll want to tackle. Don't forget to blow off some steam once in a while ?

Thank you, you are right. But that's also what is turning out to be quite difficult. Must listen to my body's need for relaxation.

 

Day 27 continued

Went to an addiction clinic. Decided to try their day + night care program.

Edited by taichi
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Day 28

Getting ready for day & night care. Having somewhere to go to is really nice.

 

Had a really fun day at the care centre. Quite tired but in a peaceful way.

Edited by taichi
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Day 30

Shat myself up by allowing the iPhone into my house. Binged on YouTube crap for 5 hours or something.

The awful thing is last night my mother asked me a favour that required an iPhone, and I made that an excuse for reversing my own past decisions.

The result is me wanking and gagging on garbage videos, refusing to feed my sad hungry self.

I should have just said no, that is not possible, I don't touch the iPhone, the iPhone stays outside the house.

Considering selling it so I don't need to go through this shitstorm ever again.

Edited by taichi

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Day 31

Starting to feel like I'm only counting the days. Need to make it clear why and what I am doing.

What I am doing : I am trying to take online gaming out of my life.

Why I am doing that : Because it has been hijacking my life, leaving me with very few moments of consciousness.

 

I ought to do stuff with the freed up time, but really don't have the energy to. That's where I've been for a couple of weeks.

Maybe I'm telling myself to do the wrong stuff. My perfectionism is only a search for excuses: I can't x until I've studied y.

Everything seems impossibly far away under that perfectionist mille-feuille of lenses, but perhaps most everything is right in front of me.

 

The number of days really doesn't matter, so the count-up ends today.

Edited by taichi

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Morning

Feeling quite normal. That's been a while actually.

Woke up, did my stretches, brushed my teeth, straight into the shower, banana and nuts for breakfast.

That's a proper morning. I'm very happy with myself.

Edited by taichi
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Evening

Can't make up my mind about what I want to do. Well I want to improve my physicals but what to do with that?

I think I want to learn some useful maths, because I love maths, but can't really decide what. Bought a beginners' book on information theory.

Edited by taichi
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Days 33 - 34

The journal doesn't feel right without this day xx format ? Not that it means anything but...

 

Spent most of yesterday at my old friend's house, talked with him about my situation, did some good old yu-gi-oh. Ended up staying over.

Left his place this morning and spent the day at the care centre. Today's program was SST (social skills training), Karate, and Mindfulness Meditation.

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Day 35

Slept 12 hours. Woke up with some fierce fatigue all over my body. Karate was a bit too much for me.

Made and ate lunch at home, then joined the night program at the care centre. Today's night program was Cooking.

 

In a physically shattered state like today, my usual self would have binged hard on internet poop.

Sure enough, I found myself browsing meaningless trash when I should have been leaving home.

Having something to look forward to is such a simple but effective answer to my problems.

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Day 41

Met up with uni freshers year friends. Grateful that I have people to have proper chats with.

Browsed the library for something fun to read. Picked up a book by Mita Munesuke.

Body is knackered from the workout on Tuesday. Walking was painful.

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Day 43

This one is a morning log.

I've been binge-watching videos quite a lot the last couple of days. Readjusted my Cold Turkey filter to include all those mindless browsing loopholes.

Also these 5+ hour video watching and smirking sessions always lead to a wank. Yesterday was 9 hours video and 2 wanks. My mood is at its lowest this morning.

 

The workout programs at the care centre are optional.

My thought behind joining in on Tuesday was that regaining physical strength was 1st priority for me.

It turns out a 1 hour workout was far outside my muscles' capacities. Walking around is still painful after 3 days.

It was simply the wrong thing to do ---- especially since I have an addiction. I can't afford to be knackered and moody half a week straight.

Edited by taichi

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Day something (probably 53)

Spent the weekend at the mountainside with family and friends.

I learnt that my cousin has abandoned his smartphone and gaming consoles because he thinks they are no good. At age 13. I am so happy about him.

It was great fun just cleaning off all the dust that had accumulated. The place we stayed at used to be my grandfather's personal workplace.

 

This has been the longest I have come without playing video games, but I don't feel like that really makes a change.

I spend most of my days in front of my computer, mindlessly entertained.

Being in front of the screen puts me in a certain dazed state, and it does not feel nice.

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Today was shit. I can't see my life going anywhere nice. I feel too tired to try anything.

Here is a breakdown of why I might be feeling like shit.

I am currently very hungry.

I am feeling nauseous because I mistakenly drank tea with caffeine.

I am physically exhausted from spending  the weekend with my young and hyperactive cousin.

I am stressed out because every path that I can imagine myself taking in the future is both lonely and painful.

Because I cannot permit myself to live happily when I see the world around me turning to shit.

Edited by taichi

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I should learn to make myself happy each day.

I should also admit that the computer screen hardly ever makes me happy.

 

Edit: also wanking never makes me happy. all there ever is on the other end is regret and fatigue.

Edited by taichi

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Fuck I relapsed. Coldturkey 100-day block ended and I somehow justified "playing for a couple minutes" and the week that followed was hell.

Now I'm on a 10-year block.

Feeling like a piece of shit.

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