Journal

[Cam Adair]

Happy to hear that!

[taichi]

Day 5

Pushed myself far too much yesterday. Staying out all day in the summer heat + freezing air conditioning.  Could hardly move today.

Neglected myself and binge watched garbage YouTube stuff on my mother's laptop.

Bad day. I'm thankful that my mother is back from work now.

Edited July 9, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 6

Found myself browsing mmo websites. Came here to ground my senses.

End-of-term stress is here I guess.

 

Ordered a book that might be a reference for my thesis.

Also did some home improvement. Less cables on the ground.

Edited July 10, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 7

Feeling myself a little bit. It's horrific to think it took me 2 full days to bounce back from exhaustion.

Also starting to realize that on weekdays I am lonely & want company. Going to school where I have no friends is a stress factor.

But then again I can't simply change that, so I'll just have to acknowledge that feeling and live with it. 

Identifying and naming stressful feelings is a good way to cope. (8:25 am)

 

Attended class today. Very pleased with myself. Maybe the beginning of a good streak of days.

Better get myself some comfy clothes for the summer. (19:55 pm)

Edited July 11, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 8

Losing my focus. Must get on with end-term papers.

[taichi]

12 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Well, you could always work on your social skills? Making friends is an ability that you can train, you know ?

I suppose that's right. What I can't change is that being in school 2 years longer than everyone around makes me hate myself.

[taichi]

Day 9

Another day doing nothing, feeling numb, not happy for a minute. General self neglect.

[taichi]

16 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I disagree. You cannot change that you are in school 2 year longer than the others around you. This is a fact. So far, we're on the same page.

But you hating yourself is merely optional. This is not a given fact that is unchangeable by nature. You choose to view yourself in that way.

Thus, you can change it. You decide what is real and what is not.

I don't think you would find any person here on the forum that agrees with you not being able to change how you feel about yourself and your situation.

I'm not saying it's not understandable or easy to fix. I understand how you feel and why, don't get me wrong. But you need to realize that you do not need to hate yourself. 

Part of growing as a person is viewing yourself with some love and chill out a bit. Make mistakes, that's fine. But forgive yourself afterwards, when you've learned the lesson. 

If you keep beating yourself up over something you can no longer influence, you're just beating yourself up over nothing. Instead, forgive yourself and deal with the problem. After the problem is fixed, continue being nice and loving to yourself by making sure you never end up in a crappy situation like that ever again.

I don't know you, but if you need me, I'm here, man. All you gotta do is send me a message ?

Thanks for your kind words.

Yes. I need to change the way I see myself & the world around me. That is undeniably the root of my current unhappiness & mental dead end.

I dunno how to put this, but not having friends in school still seems very unchangeable to me. The people around me & the major that I study (both of which I hate) are all part of the mistake that I made 4 years ago.

I can see I'm being very stubborn here. But that's how I see it right now.

[taichi]

Day 10

Planning to get a short paper done today. Just a short one to get a sense of achievement.

[taichi]

5 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Could you perhaps switch majors or change schools? Or maybe join a club or take up a new hobby that gives access to a new potential social circle?

Or if you truly hate it all, just quit? And go do something else? I mean, the useful thing about shitty jobs is that because they're shitty, there is always money to be made. I have a job that I can sometimes barely stand doing. But it helps me pay the rent and I use my free time to develop my skills and myself so I can find a better one. It's hard sometimes, but in the long term it pays off.

I'm looking to join a local volunteer clean-up team from next Saturday. It should be a good place to start making friends.   

Whether I'm quitting school or not, I should go get myself a job. Being able to support myself would be a great change.  

[taichi]

Day 11

Well. Only started on the paper yesterday and got distracted. Distracted as in watched YouTube shit until 4 am. Need to get a grip.

[taichi]

Day 12

Going to find myself some summer clothes with the help of my gf.

[taichi]

Day 0

Oh shit. I don't know anymore. I need to get a effing grip.

[taichi]

Day 0

Binged hard on games & other internet things the last 2 weeks. Ended up screwing up most of this term's classes.

Let's try again.

 

What I am thinking right now:

• I want to graduate and get a day job. Because I want to be financially independent & be with my brilliant gf.
• Therefore games & internet stuff don't have a place in my life.
• I need to take self care more seriously. Eating 3 meals a day (at least 2 meals + a large snack) is the foundation to making action.

This is going to be a difficult summer for me.

[taichi]

Thanks Phoenixking!

1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

Try to figure out what when wrong and where and why. Take a second to think about it all and what happened. Maybe you can figure out ways to prevent this for happening again in the future? 

I will do that now.

1) I feel like this relapse was waiting to happen since April. That's when I slacked and started 2 weeks late to every class this semester.

Must avoid that mistake next time. That is be aware when school starts. Simple.

2) I have been feeling too much guilt for all sorts of things lately. Spending money that I didn't earn. Buying one-use plastic stuff.

Being at a class that I haven't been attending very consistently. Need to relax and have a more complex view of myself & society.

3) I didn't have a goal to work for. This relapse was also an experiment into being a game streamer, and now I understand I'm not very good at that.

My goal from now on will be to graduate (in whatever messed up form) and get a job that I can even partly relate to.

1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

Try not to be too hard on yourself, we're all only human. Some of us have relapses 10 times. But in those cases, it's super important you realize what's going on and you quit 11 times.

Thank you man. I will keep coming back to this journal.

Ganbali masu. (I prefer L as a representation of ら sound ? )

[taichi]

Day 1

I am well rested and hungry. Going to get myself a breakfast. - 10:28 am

 

Been thinking about my issues.

My former psychiatrist told me about the way I function: I need to be brilliant. And when that's not seeming easy I choose not to try, rather than try and end up being mediocre.

He also gave me the name for that problem, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

But how to fix that, I never really understood, since our sessions proved to be very expensive and annoyingly slow. - 6:52 pm

Edited August 6, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 2

9 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I took a long time to realize that I'm actually doing fine.

This all the way. I don't have this view of self, not in a grounded, real or sustained way. 

My parents are slightly dysfunctional people in their own rights, I suppose. A lack of trust, empathy and self-respect is what I learnt from them.

9 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Sometimes you have to look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself as another person would. From a 3rd person's point of view. And you look at yourself with kindness and understanding. I guess it's all an exercise in being able to love and accept yourself for who you are. There is no harm in improving your life and it comes with a struggle. But for those willing to fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never understand.

Thanks for the thoughtful words. Yes, I do feel that viewing myself objectively helps self respect. Gonna get myself some breakfast for a start ? 

[taichi]

Starting to think differently about games and such.

Do I really need to be 100% perfectly free from distractions? Isn't that just another iteration of my recurring perfectionist dead-ends?

What I really might need to do, like, right away, is to wrestle with my perfectionist/narcissist personality.

 

My habit of acting like a shithead wanker and self-neglecting all day is most likely a key component of the narcissist cycle.

When a covert narcissist like me is in danger of being mediocre, they make sure to be straight down terrible, in order to defend theirself.

Therefore practicing self care and keeping myself sane should be a more practical goal than quit games.

 

I hate games enough that it would suffice to work toward the goal of "practice self care" anyway. Not doing things that I hate is implied therein.

[taichi]

Day 3

Natto is genius. 

 

Reading on gender. Also booked an appointment at the school career counsellor.

Edited August 8, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 4

Got very wanky. Gonna take a shower and come back for some journaling.

 

I am back. Feeling clean and well.

Reading and listening to gender equalitist stuff made me dive into that all familiar mode of "I'm gonna make this my job and be brilliant".

Once in the mode, I picture these specific situations where I'm in front of people, doing the thing professionally and killing it. I'm also very socially influential and famous.

 

Well. In reality I'm not. And I'm not going to be a professional anything any time soon. Maybe I'll write a paragraph in my thesis, and that's it.

I'm also not going to have a famous curry place, or be a prominent environment activist, or even be a vegan.

All of which, from time to time, I convince myself I am.

 

I need to make my grandiose imagination shut up. It only leads me into the darker side of the cycle that is narcissism.

And in the meantime, I should just do what I can do right now.

Edited August 9, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 6

Having big grandiose ideas might be useful as a entrepreneur or politician. That is, making it as a functional narcissist is a path.

But to be realistic, I need good mentors/friends and financial independence to do that. So far I haven't found either.

Also I don't particularly want to be an entrepreneur or politician.

 

What I want to be, I currently have no idea. No idea as in not a single idea.

Edited August 11, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 7

Started doing my little morning stretch routine again. I should exercise more.

 

Cleaned my room fairly thoroughly. Feeling refreshed.

Edited August 12, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 10 or something, what am I counting?

Feeling very self-neglecty today. Need to be sane.

 

Made myself a decent lunch with leftover stuff. Proud of that.

Edited August 15, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 0

The last few days have been like the "Just don't take heroin" skit from Mitchell and Webb. "Just stay sane and practice self-care".

Even if I hate games, "just staying away" isn't possible when I also get sucked in by games.

 

Going cold turkey for 90 days.

Edited August 17, 2018 by taichi

[taichi]

Day 1

Oh hello. I like where this is going. Morning feels much nicer when you're not diving straight into distractions.

The summer heat's subsided quite abruptly and my body is confused. Must take care.

4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

There is no shame in being pushed back a step by some big obstacle. On the contrary. I just had to start all over. Most things in my life are a mess now. But the tiny things that I like are starting to slowly gain ground. Véry slowly. But there's is a bit of progress. Maybe you should try to focus on the little things first? Baby steps!

Yeah, I'm ready to admit this is a heavy heavy stone to lift. Whatever it is.

I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling your best. Take your time and be kind to yourself. Baby steps are the tangible steps that take you places.

4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Did you not go cold turkey before? Did you game from time to time? Or am I misinterpreting?

Yes, these last couple of weeks I have been gaming from time to time. Turned out to be a bad idea.

I was thinking my focus shouldn't be on game-quitting, but then I don't have any focus when I'm playing games.

It still holds that I need to focus on my personality and how it's holding me back from life. Abstaining from distractions is a means to said end.

 

Going to try learning Python again, because I'm quite certain I enjoy and excel at that kind of thing.

Edited August 18, 2018 by taichi