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taichi

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The last month has been a gaming bingefest. Hated every second of my life. Resumed abstinence on Wednesday 27th.

Mother returned from hospital this morning, and from now on my sister and I will be taking care of her meals & nutrition.

Well my sister is busy with her work so more like I will be taking care of their meals & nutrition.

I am freaking out.

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4 days since mother is home. I am less freaked out than I imagined. In fact having someone at home everyday is very helping.

 

Finally read "Your Brain On Porn" by Gary Wilson. Chapter 2 contains a sharp and concise explanation of addiction.

It's empowering to have a crystal clear understanding that addictive use of anything affects the brain in the same terrible way ("there is only one reward circuit").

Most of the material was stuff I'd already heard about, but having everything organised in book-form made it all the more powerful.

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Yesterday felt quite nice, today feeling like SHIT.

Steered myself outside for a walk in the campus. The fierce wind had me whimpering.

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I found out my feeling shit was called ketosis transition (I'm on a low-carb diet alongside my mother). What I needed was to eat lots of fat.

Edit: Read up on what a keto diet entails and I am done with that. Unsure what macro balance to go for with my mother's carb abstention.

Edited by taichi

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Last year between September and December I made my first ever 100-day no gaming streak, but relapsed quite shortly after.

So this time I'm confident about 100 days but I ought to think about how to make it permanent.

1) My blocker is on a 10-year+ timer this time instead of 100 days.

2) The opposite of addiction is connection. Making it a priority to be emotionally present with my friends & family.

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Leaving tomorrow morning for a 3-day family trip to Kofu. Not feeling up for any walking more than 30 mins. In fact not feeling up for anything. I am feeling depressed.

 

I have to stop doing this to myself.

My initial reaction to my mother proposing a family onsen trip was "No, please not now, I'm not feeling like going anywhere far."

But then next morning I was like "Yeah let's go to Kofu. Of course I want to go to Kofu."

 

It was basically the same thing for the Russia trip. And the Kumano trip.

Both times I knew full well that a family trip would only tire me and wreck my body.

Both times I came home fully fucked up and miserable. In fact after the Kumano one I had diarrhoea and fever for a full week.

 

My needs are not something everyone (including me) can ignore.

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Back from the family trip. Feeling tired but okay.

I made sure to be vocal about how I was feeling. Saying it out loud really helped, both as instant relief and as negotiation for better options.

The thing I need to work on is I tend to sound angry / hysterical when I'm saying my feelings out loud. Such typical masculinity to be uneasy with one's own feelings.

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Yesterday spent time outside with a dear friend, something that happened out of the blue.

Today I feel my energy is all gone. Very thoroughly tired.

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This weekend is a mini excursion to Chichibu with college 1st year friends. Feeling very anxious what the conversation will be like, me being the only one left in university.

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I guess it's not really anxiety, it's just I don't feel close enough with them to be comfortable spending a night together.

Anyways Chichibu is a nice place. Will try to focus on the being in the midst of great nature bit.

Edited by taichi

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I made a point to be open to my college friends about my situation. No small talk, straight to the nitty gritty with "oh me? I'm working with a psychiatrist to overcome my problems."

* Edit 14 May 2019: That's a half-lie by the way. I hadn't been anywhere near a psychiatrist since last October.

Now I feel much closer to some of the people I talked with. I feel like I'm making friends at last.

Edited by taichi

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Nice! Half a month without all this digital content is worth the admiration! Even the masturbation, if it was your addiction too!

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I've had this since high school, but my mind often slips into images of me brandishing a sword. The last few days this RPG flashback thing is very noticeable.

I think I've always been the type to retreat into my own world, and my former psychiatrist suggested slight Autistic Spectrum Disorder in me.

My love for repeating the same thing over and over again could be a useful thing, like how I've been making my family the same delicious chicken curry regularly.

Hopefully I will find myself a happy place in this world, and the flashbacks will disappear in time.

Edited by taichi

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I had a thought about replacing the sword swinging with an image of doing something else that feels amazing, like maybe riding my dream bicycle.

Not sure if that's a good idea. I would like to have this busy mind shut up entirely when idle.

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Stayed over at my girlfriend's family home. Made a curry for the family.

 

I always start to feel exhausted and irritable after a few hours of being with my girlfriend, and I had always assumed I just wasn't kind enough to her.

Now I am starting to see that this is my empathy-sickness, a recognition that came quite suddenly when I was cuddling her and I felt like my body had disappeared.

I was denying myself of feeling, concentrating on how I could make her the most comfortable. The way I make conversation was also only a verbal version of that ghostly kindness.

 

I need to know what I am feeling.

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1 hour ago, taichi said:

I was denying myself of feeling, concentrating on how I could make her the most comfortable. The way I make conversation was also only a verbal version of that ghostly kindness.

Oh yeah man! You are making the unconscious conscious, and that is awesome. Keep at it!! I have a similar problem, when starting sex I always think if she wants it instead of asking myself that question.

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Now that my girlfriend has pointed out a lack of empathy in me, and everything she said rings true, I'm not sure where to put my last comment.

I suppose I have the wrong idea of empathy. What I was concentrating on is more like making myself unaccountable, always on the right. And that's shit.

Lacking empathy while feeling invisible is a very sorry state. 

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Games are starting to feel distant and interesting. This now familiar feeling is clearly my brain's attempt at tripping me up again. Poor thing.

 

This week's a holiday in Japan, so I went to see my grandparents, yesterday mother's side and today father's side.

Both live about an hour and a half away from us, and it was a lot of travelling for my easily tired body. Must relax.

Edited by taichi

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