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Bob's Journey

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If I do have to move on, I'm leaving these addictions behind me in the trash. Dump gaming, soda, and porn in the can and slam the lid. I will never hurt another woman, or any relationship for that matter, like this again.

Yeah that's right. Your life is yours, so don't be disappointed if the relationship doesn't go well. You did your best to deal with your problem. Keep it up!

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I tell you one thing. If I do have to move on, I'm leaving these addictions behind me in the trash. Dump gaming, soda, and porn in the can and slam the lid. I will never hurt another woman, or any relationship for that matter, like this again.

Fuck yes! 

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You have at least half of the community grinding their chairs in anticipation. 

Only because the other half is in another time zone and still asleep :P

You got this buddy. Don't go in with a hidden agenda and lay everything on the table. We will be waiting for you when it's all done as your cheerleaders! I'd say go visual on us being in cheerleader outfits to keep you relaxed but you don't want to see @Moe in a skirt and pom poms.

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We will be waiting for you when it's all done as your cheerleaders! I'd say go visual on us being in cheerleader outfits to keep you relaxed but you don't want to see @Moe in a skirt and pom poms.

Hey! I would.... and have.... rocked the cheerleading skirt before! My highschool had a powderpuff game. Girls played, so the more daring of us guys cheered them on. I would definitely need to shave my legs though.... scary thought. 

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Day 38/90. Well, it looks like divorce. Meg and I pretty much said the things we've always been saying at the meeting. She doesn't think she can ever trust me again and will always be on "pins and needles" and that wouldn't be fair to either of us. I tried to say that previously, I never saw my problems as addictions on the level of drugs or alcohol and that I have never let these things go as I have now. But, it looks like it's not to be.

     I really didn't have a lot of anxiety. I think I saw this coming so I wasn't completely surprised. I think my tears and anxiety these past weeks has been a grieving process for my marriage. I'm not saying I won't feel sad over the next months, but I think I've come to terms with it. 

     I am in the beginning of what I call my "transformative year". Letting go of the soda and fast food, the gaming, and the porn, will make me into a whole new man. I get impatient about it, but I battle day by day and I can see the slow and steady progress. This makes all the emotions worth it.

     So, Aug 29th is the day for the divorce. When I heard Meg having this date in her head, I knew it was over. She was committed. Time to move on. I have to become who I'm meant to be with no more regrets.

      My counselor sent me a text last night that was touching. "You have an awesome attitude...it is really Meg's loss as she will not find another man that even comes close to the man you are becoming. I'm proud of you!" 

    Thank you to my cheerleaders! I am certainly not giving up, only doing as Cam says, doubling down on what's working.

Gratitude:

1. I did go through with the meeting and am glad I did so

2. I hugged Meg afterwards and told her if she wanted to be friends, let's be real friends and not just a phrase

3. I started on the couch but ended up sleeping in bed. I made it!

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You will become very strong person! And everybody will notice that. I read every post you send and i think you are good man with heart in the right place! Be strong.

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We will be waiting for you when it's all done as your cheerleaders! I'd say go visual on us being in cheerleader outfits to keep you relaxed but you don't want to see @Moe in a skirt and pom poms.

This quote is obviously wrong edited, I would find extremely amusing to see as many members of this community as possible in such attire.

I agree with @Onlysoul, you got this! Sometimes cutting ties with your previous life can be an instrument of change. Cherish the memories for the good moments they gave you, learn from the bad moments, and keep the experience as another brick of the big (metaphorically, not bodily! :P) building that is you. 

Also, don't worry, common foreign knowledge about the US dictates that every american has an ex-wife named Meg.

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Hey Bob, 

I can only imagine what you're going through right now. But I want you to know a few things:

  1. You've got a brand new exciting life now that you've made these awesome changes, and that is truly amazing. You're in a infinitesimally small number of part of the population that has the will to change their life. 
  2. You're an awesome friend, and a good man. 
  3. You're not only changing your life, but you've helped to change mine as well. Not to mention I'm pretty sure that @Onlysoul, @Tom2@giblets, and many more could say the same thing. 
  4. You've got MAJOR power in your life now. I'm excited to see who you become later down the line as well. You're going to have outstanding success.

Thanks for being such a great force for encouragement, determination, class, and friendship on here man. You're a cornerstone here dude. 

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Totally agree with @Moe Smith. It's time to start a new chapter in your life. "No more regrets" as you mentioned! The life never ends even if there's divorce. I don't know a lot about marriage, but I'm sure that there are much more days to live!

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Day 39/90. Well I don't know what to say, guys. Your encouragement means so much. When you've isolated yourself for so long due to weight and games, every interaction becomes that much more special. Which is why I enjoy these forums. Thank you, @Moe Smith, @Tom2, @Hitaru, @Onlysoul.

I did ok yesterday. I've been reading The Slight Edge where he talks about the occasional cheeseburger not killing you but over time, repeated ones will. And how we need to make the small decisions right each day and let them add up. I can tell I'm doing that with exercise and diet. I just need to find good ways to do this in other areas. 

 My project is one possibility for mental engagement and creativity as I steadily apply more time to it. This next week I'll be allocating a little time every day (not just the weekends) to work on research for my possible historical podcast. Need something to work towards.

I plan to stick around my wife's church until the hammer drops next month, just in case I guess. Then I'll move to another church where I can start over and be recognized for me, and not just as part of her family. I also won't get bothered by politics and too much dogma I guess.

All in all, I still feel good. Just being patient. I was thinking today about being heavy. When I was massive (think 450 lbs on a 6 foot frame 13 yrs ago), my therapist called it a "200 lb backpack". I'm just about 300 now and on my way down but I still consider weight to be a "stifling blanket". How different will I be next year when this blanket is off? I hope to dance and be carefree.

Gratitude

1. I still love the gym haha

2. Slept in my bed - small victories

3. Having friends text you and ask how.you're doing

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Man! That's some seriously cool change you're making. I'm glad you're changing yourself in ways that you enjoy. :) Remember to be proud of yourself, what you've done is certainly worthy of pride. 

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As someone who has chosen ballroom and latin dance as one of my replacements for gaming, I'll tell you this: have the courage to dance and be carefree now! The euphoria that comes from that can't be compared to. The enjoyment I've had from thousands of hours I've spent gaming are probably equal to five nights of dancing.

Find your equivalent thereof. Cam was right in that the best replacements for gaming are: challenging, have measurable growth, allow for an escape from worry, and are social. The fact that you are working out is awesome and fits all of those criteria. Your study of history fits most of those, and by making a public podcast it will fit the social aspect as well.  As you improve yourself and find more of those activities the joy and confidence you seek will come.

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The Slight Edge seems to be the talk of the town at the moment, sounds like something I need to check out! Let me know how you go with it and if it is worth prioritising!

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Day 40/90. This morning I had that expression a pro golfer gets when his long eagle putt just misses the hole. You know, the contorted look of awwww, almost, but I know I still got a birdie haha. My scale said 300.8,  a nice 1.6 lb loss. I knew I wouldn't quite make 300 yet, but still...pro golfer face haha! So close. Barring a blip for muscle growth or whatever, I'd say 2-3 wks max to clear this border. I don't want to put super anticipation on next week. But I haven't been under 300 lbs for 6 yrs, since I first moved to Myrtle Beach.

Had a nice breakfast with one of my Mom's church friends who also works at my company. He's a retired history teacher and we didn't shut up about history and politics and our life story for 3 hrs hehe. It felt wonderful to just regurgitate about a subject one is so passionate about. I hope to meet.with him from time to time. He encouraged me to do the podcast too.

I did work on my history research for 30 mins yesterday. I am going it like I did walking, where I gradually built it up 5 mins at a time. This coming week it will be 35 mins a day on weekends (and 5 mins a day on weekdays) so it'll become a daily habit and steadily gain momentum. It was getting more interesting working on the material. Maybe in future updates, I'll talk a little more about what I'm doing.

Thanks all for your encouragement. @Pierce, I could see myself learning to shag, which is the local dance here at the beach. @Shine Magical, that is too cute that you got to dance. I need to follow your example. @giblets, yes The Slight Edge is validating the slow gradual approach I took to exercise and now I'm applying it to my project. @Tom2, @Moe Smith, you both remain awsome! ?

Gratitude:

1. Had a nice walk at the gym

2. Started on the couch, ended on the bed

3. Worked on my project

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He's a retired history teacher and we didn't shut up about history and politics and our life story for 3 hrs hehe.

lol

Edited by Tom2

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Day 41/90. Another day forward. I still encounter the empty weekend effect, where I still consciously try to fill my time on Saturday.and Sunday with activities since I quit gaming. The gym really helps and reading and my project will also help. But there's still a lot of down time. I guess the loneliness makes it worse.

I had a good conversation with a good friend last night on the phone and it was great. I wish I had more.of.this. Just laughing and talking and carrying on like old times.

Sometimes, though, when I text or talk to friends and family, I have to grit my teeth when I hear about their.success or something they did with family because it plays on my worst fears: money and loveliness. Rationally, I know its just my needing patience. I'm still planting seeds for future success, I'm barely a month and a half into the process, and I've had significant success in other big areas, such as physical changes, quitting addictions, reaching out to people.

   Sigh. I just get impatient sometimes but I know I'm on the right course. Time just crawls sometimes. Hanging in there.

Gratitude

1. Had a great phone call with my friend

2. Up to 55 mins on the treadmill

3. I have a comfortable, air-conditioned place to live.

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I also have lonely times, occasionally. Especially when I try to contact my friends but they are busy to answer me. During this moment I felt really down and couldn't focus really well. My solution was to find other people to replace my friends. It's not a ultimate solution, but it helps me endure those moments. I'm a kinda shy person, so I couldn't talk to some random people on the street, but the internet, is a great tool to talk to someone else that has similar interests. I could find some people that have the same interest as mine, so I talk to them whenever I want, particularly when my real friends are busy.

It also helps me to stay more focused during my study time. Because I can imagine there are some of my imaginary colleagues somewhere around Korea, struggling because of the same issues. And they also have failures and successes, so it's very interesting to watch them living their lives.

About other people's successes : I sometimes envy someone else's achievements, but there's no good thing envying. So I try to focus on what I do. I think the best way is just accepting and moving on. You're doing great. Let's see what grows in our gardens, not other successful people!

So hang in there! You're already doing great!

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Thanks @Tom2. It's good to know others go through this too. I just keep focusing on my goals and the small milestones along the way.

Day 42/90. Coming up on 6 weeks now and staying strong. Yesterday was a good day. I felt like I put in a strong effort at work for the first time in a long while. That made me feel good. I did get real tired in the afternoon. I wasn't sure if I was getting bored or just running out of energy. I wonder if I need more calories around that time. I did my workout after work but felt pretty tired in the evening too.

      I watched one video of a game I used to play because I heard a song at the gym that was part of that game's soundtrack. When I watched the video, I was a bit taken aback at how violent the scene was. I was a little embarassed that I enjoyed that at one time. Still, I have to watch out for the nostalgia. I also caught myself looking at book covers on Amazon that were a bit racy. Not porn, but I could see the path clearly. Whew it's a tempting world out there.

   For good news, I worked on my history project for 5 min. It's a slow buildup, but I wanted to start doing a little bit each day to build momentum. I actually didn't want to stop hehe. I'm starting to get excited about it and I see the potential in the project.

Gratitude

1. I can see the differences in my body in the mirror

2. I worked on my project on a weekday

3. I feel like I have a stronger positive attitude these days

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Day 43/90. Yesterday was a rest day from the gym. I think I've been pushing hard and my body needed a break. I hated it though, haha, as I love the gym. But I'll be back today. It was hard not to feel like I was slacking but I have to be careful about these perfectionist tendencies.

        I ate more than usual, though nothing over goal. I guess I just needed a day off but man I want to get back on it. This whole process (quitting gaming, soda, porn and then exercising) is my light in the tunnel. Whatever my fears, I know I have this going for me, this to look forward to, this to get excited about.

Gratitude

1. I got a text from a brother I hardly talk to anymore beyond birthdays. I hope to reconnect.

2. I have a comfortable place to live on the heat of summer.

3. I have good skills at work.

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Day 44/90. I'm wearing a 2x shirt today. I know that sounds big to you guys but I haven't been able to wear one in 6 yrs. I have some hanging in my closet, those "goal" clothes you always swear you'll fit back into someday. I try them on from time to time to see how I'm doing and it's gotten better these past months. Today I tried it and one shirt fit...slightly snug around the midsection when I sit down but wow it fits!

      I sniffled a little bit hehe. It's moments like this that make the pain worth it, knowing that no matter what happens, I will be a different man.

    It was good timing too. My weekend trip to visit my uncle has been postponed as he's recovering from illness and the meds were knocking him out. I was pretty sad last night. Even cried a little...man since I quit gaming, my emotions just pour out of me. But I guess that's healthy? Anyhow, hopefully we can visit in a couple weeks. I really wanted to be with family and reconnect.

     The shirt came at a good time this morning.

 

Gratitude

1. The shirt fits. Duh!

2. This community. I love writing my journal no matter how I'm feeling.

3. My mother. She lets me vent and talk and get the emotions out and then I feel so much better.

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I also have some shirts and pants that are too small to wear. Maybe I should try some diets someday... When my learning plan goes really well... It's good to see your efforts! Keep it up!

And I think being sad when the schedule like that postponed, is natural. Everybody deserves that emotion when that situation takes place. :) 

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