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Mettermrck

Bob's Journey

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Day 28/90. Almost at four weeks and not doing too badly. I want to step it up at work so that I'm giving my best effort. With the gym benefits and possibly school benefits next year, I need to appreciate this job more and take advantage of it.

     I did walk in the morning and work out with weights at night. It feels so good to finally be taking care of my body. It's weird I have muscle developing but still a lot of fat. I'm not embarrassed...it just looks it's undergoing a transformation, which it is. In a year or two, I won't recognize myself.

      I called my priest to discuss my marriage. I'll have a solo talk first and then see about having a counseling session with the both of us. Honestly, I'm not holding out much hope. Yes, I've made huge changes for the better and yes, she's noticed (at least the weight loss part) but I think she's resigned herself to divorce. Not sure there's enough time. I have a little hope but it's also sad. I'm ok emotionally as long as I hold to these changes in my life. They'll carry me through no matter what happens in a couple months.

Gratitude:

1. I am working out at the gym and changing my body.

2. I have a job with great benefits.

3. I am cultivated a network of supportive friends and family to help sustain me.

Edited by Mettermrck

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Day 29/90. Alright, four official weeks and closing in on the 1/3 mark for the detox. I think I'm in uncharted territory hehe. I didn't do too badly yesterday. I had my off day routine of reading, podcasts, and videos which passed the time and helped me avoid boredom. I did go to the gym after lunch and walked for 45 min on the treadmill. 

   My Mom and I went to a minor league baseball game which had fireworks afterwards. That was a nice way of getting out of the house. Even though it was super muggy and I sweat a lot and we got home late, I had a good time. The fireworks were great. It was good being around other people.

     There's still some things I have to work on. I call it "tightening the last few screws" for the detox. I've talked about most already. 1. Full effort at work. I've gotten so used to having work be a material support for my gaming and eating habits and not as a source of meaning itself.

2. Fapping. I'm not depressed about it or anything. I just feel like I want to detox from this as well. I'm still great off the porn, but I feel sometimes that fapping is still the fumes of my porn habit, and a potential danger for relapsing and a gateway drug. After 90 days, I don't know if I'd stay off forever, but I'd like to break this cycle.

3. Cleaning. I'm trying to do more chores around the condo to help my Mom. I have a schedule and have done a little in fits and starts. Need to apply myself more.

4. Meditation. I need to do this, as a better way to process emotions than burying them with fapping dopamine. I have the app and the timeframe. Just gotta do it.

5. Project. I need a creative outlet, something to focus my passions. As Cam and a friend said in a recent video, a project is not a life sentence. But I need to try something to express myself. I still think it might have something to do with a history podcast. But I have to find that out for myself.

Gratitude:

1. Enjoyed a nice time out with my Mom

2. I still went to the gym on a holiday

3. I drew up a nice daily checklist of tasks to keep me organized

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Day 30/90. Wow I'm coming up on the one third mark. I wondered if I'd ever get here. With the progress I've made so far, I wonder how I'll be in 30 or 60 more days.

I was in a little funk yesterday, nothing earth shattering. I made the mistake of stepping on my gym scale and registering a slight gain. I tried my home scale last night and this morning and same thing. Now rationally, I know that's to be expected. I'm doing weights, I'm adding muscle, it'll happen sometimes, and it's about inches as much as pounds. But emotionally, it still troubled me. So I had to work through that. I'm still eating the same, just gotta keep pushing through it. My body has no choice. The math doesn't lie. It's not getting enough calories to maintain. It can kick and scream all it wants...it will have to give up the weight in the long run. I just have to be patient.

I guess it's just hard when you feel deprived and tired a lot from less eating, and craving notice from those around you about your progress....that scale gets to be your idol, your source of well being. And I know I can't do that.

Gratitude:

1. I had a good walk on the treadmill yesterday.

2. I know that the weight will come off.

3. I had another good night's sleep.

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Man i have suggestion for you. In every meal you have add some vegetables or make salad! You will eat less and have full stomach at the same time.

Good work! Your progress is very inspiring for me! You are on good way to become more complete person. 

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Day 31/90. Ok, I've put 30 days officially behind me, one third of the way through! Thanks onlysoul. I'm staying well within my calorie limits, but yes healthy eating is another step for me.  

As for the 30th day, boy was it a rough one. The first incident was earlier in the day. I made the mistake of asking.my best friend if he had ever played Mass Effect. And that launched him into a deep conversation about the games he's played, a lot of them the same as me. Boy did that bring back the cravings and nostalgia! Luckily most of his attention was on Overwatch, a game that wasn't my style. Eventually he was apologetic for talking about it but I told him I was the one who had brought it up. Later he talked about some of the downsides of.gaming he's had with him and his wife. So the grass isn't always greener.

     The second thing was later on. My Mom's car had an issue and we had to fix it and then we're bringing it to the auto body this morning. I've seen this issue before and it's a cheap fix but the hint of car trouble brings my anxiety about money to the surface. Plus it was my wife who had called me about the problem and her Dad who helped us. So that sense of loneliness and isolation from her and her family was back. Even though they helped me, I felt isolated from them too, like I wasn't the family member I used to be.

     Needless to say, I was up late with my Mom, talking and tears. I didn't relapse and I tried to take pride in the changes I'm making. I'm just having to be patient that's all. I will have these days. I just need to push through them.

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Don't be too sad. You're gonna get better. One month is short time compared to the whole life.(But it's still awesome. 30 days of no gaming! 11 more days than me!) Everyday can't be perfect. You can make change. I believe in your patience! Emotions are just temporary, you're gonna find yourself smiling tomorrow!

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Day 32/90. Yesterday was a much better day, emotionally. Thanks, Tom2. The anxiety just hit me that day but I'm happy that. i weathered the storm.

I talked to my Mom and I've decided to get back on some medication. I used to take Wellbutrin and Zoloft when things were real bad last year. Of course, I wasn't watching my eating, exercising, and I was gaming up a storm and not working. So today my life is much improved but I'm still processing a lot of emotions from all the withdrawal and dealing with reality. I am only resuming the Wellbutrin and half of what I used to. I don't think I need a ton of pills again and I'm hoping this won't be permanent. But I've been diagnosed with.major depression many times in the last 20 years so a little medication might help stabilize the anxiety. I think it's a good thing for me.

Other than that, work was fine. I hit the gym again and did the treadmill. Graduating to a 50 min walk tomorrow. I'm starting to like seeing myself in the mirror in the morning and seeing the dents and wrinkles where I'm slowly shrinking haha.

And I actually slept on my bed! I got tired early and just went in and laid on the bed with my shorts on and no sheet or blanket. I figured I could always get back up later. I just zonked out and never really woke up again until this morning. I definitely needed it. I hope it's the start of a good pattern.

Gratitude

1. I had a great night's sleep!

2. I am dog sitting again this weekend.

3. I'm still hitting the gym like a boss

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Day 33/90. Well my scales were all over the place but I think I'm 302.4 this morning so 2.2 lbs off yeah! I'm optimistic that in a few weeks I'll be below the 300 mark for good and I'll never EVER go back.

@Tom2, @Onlysoul . Yeah I just resumed a lower dose of Wellbutrin. I don't feel like I need something serious to numb myself but with giving up several major addictions, I need help weathering the anxiety I'm getting as I move through this process. Maybe when I reach my goal weight and find a happy medium I can go off again.

Well I made it through yesterday ok. Despite the scheduled activities and the gym, I still felt like I need more to do. Today I'm going to make sure I resume my "research/possible podcast" history project. I'm debating whether to increase my time on Duolingo German or add a second one...like Esperanto for fun. Not sure yet. It's only the weekends that are tough.

Texted with an old friend from Missouri. We were best friends 15 yrs ago. We lost touch about 10 yrs ago when I was here in South Carolina and got married. The best part about quitting gaming is finding old friends again.

Went to church this morning. Beautiful hymns and homily and it really spoke to me. Still not sure if I'll stay if the divorce happens though. I meet with my priest on Tuesday morning. Sort of a last chance effort on my part. I'm not real optimistic but I can't leave things untried. I wish I had started these changes earlier but I can't wallow in regret.

Gratitude

1. I am losing the weight and approaching weight territory I haven't been at in a long long time.

2. I got up early this morning and had a good church service.

3. Old friends.

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Good job! Keep pushing through

stripping weight is the best thing you can ever do! combined with a good health you will look like Arnold Schwarzenegger sometime!:D

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I was in a little funk yesterday, nothing earth shattering. I made the mistake of stepping on my gym scale and registering a slight gain.

I can totally relate to this. I'm not having huge problems with weight but not a single trousers of mine fits me anymore. I started to do sports now a couple of weeks ago and I only gained pounds until last week but I am way fitter and also look this way. The difference will come faster after the start don't worry :) Don't listen to these stupid feelings, they have no idea what is about to happen to them hehe.

 

Keep it up man! Reading through your journal is a really motivating thing to do, thanks for being persistent.

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Thanks, @dirkj3, @tirEdOrange, yes weight is my #1 focus right now. I try not to get too impatient but I'm slowly moving forward.

Day 34/90. I had a good day yesterday. I felt busier, even pressed for time, which, considering how boring my weekends can be, is saying something.

I was texting with a whole bunch of friends yesterday and it was great feeling connected to people again. I made arrangements to see one friend in a couple weeks. I can only imagine where my social life will be in a year.

I did my first 50 min walk at the gym. My upper goal is 1 hr so I'm almost there. It feels great. Walking in air conditioning with a giant fan almost feels like cheating compared to outside haha. But I'll take it. Especially in South Carolina in July.

I made a food decision to stick with less junk food choices in my diet. I was getting tempted to have more "fun" foods in my life in moderation but I felt uncomfortable when I ate them and I want what I eat now to be an eventual bridge to long-term permanent healthy food choices. So yes fiber one bars, no snickers minis. Yes bananas, no smartfood popcorn haha.

     I slept on the bed again. I don't know if its the meds, or my meditating, but I haven't had the big anxiety for the past couple days. I'm not complaining.

    I did work on project research briefly on a possible history podcast. My topic would be the American Revolution. I also sent emails to a history podcaster about technical advice (what microphone to buy etc), how to get started, etc. He was really kind. Even offered to consider one of my first episodes as a guest episode once I got established. I told him I'm probably some months from seriously launching, but it was nice to take some tangible steps in this direction.

Gratitude:

1. I slept in my bed

2. I have friends I can talk to

3. I did work on my project a little

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Please post your history podcast once completed! I would thoroughly enjoy hearing what you have to say. The last time I studied anything pertaining to the revolution was when I read an article on Baron von Steuben. That man's story is incredibly inspiring, especially the bit at Valley Forge.

I know you've probably been inundated with fitness and diet advice by other people, but here's my take on the subject: walk everywhere (taking the stairs over the elevator and walking to public transport over taking the car), turn diet into a game on how to keep it as balanced as possible, and try forms of exercise in which you can achieve a sense of flow (I find lifting weights to be a very meditative experience, and check out running or swimming in high intensity intervals for the best cardiovascular results).

I'm looking forward to seeing how much farther you've gotten in your goals sixty days from now Bob. You got this man!

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@albrechtjess, @Onlysoul, @Pierce, @Tom2, Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. Well, a podcast is likely at least 6 months away. I'm waiting to see if I could return to school next year first, which I'll know at the end of this year. That would take precedence over podcasting as finishing my degree is a long delayed dream of mine. But I can still do research in the meantime.

Day 35/90. Yesterday wasn't bad. I worked out in the morning first thing with weights because I had a counselors appt after work. I'm enjoying the gym so much that I didn't want to miss a day on the machines hehe. That's a good sign.

Car battery light came on and off on the way to my appt. I know it's my alternator. I'm hoping it'll survive until I get to my cousin's shop in a week and a half. I don't have the money for it now. But I'll ask for help if it dies early.

The appt was good. As we discussed, I will be a whole different person next year and as anxious as I get sometimes, that is getting to be very exciting. The more weight I get, the more muscle I gain, the more I feel myself slowly transforming. And that helps cancel out the fear of no money, the fear of loneliness because I am slowly going to combat those things as the "new me".

Today I have an appt with my priest to talk about my marriage. I'm feeling mixed about it. I know I have to do it so that I can say I did everything I could to save the marriage. Actually, what I dread is not the appt but if it goes well and I have to call my wife and ask for us both to meet with the priest. I dread her saying no and then the pain that comes from that rejection. But I have to go through that. I have to have real closure on this.

Gratitude:

1. I slept 8 hours in my bed! Either the meditation or meds are helping.

2. I have a counselor who normally charges $50-$75 an hour and has charged me nothing for 3-4 yrs.

3. Old friends. I talked to one yesterday I hadn't spoken to in maybe 16 yrs. And it was like we talked just the other day.

Edited by Mettermrck

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Awesome! Today I looked to my body and I literally said: You are becoming stronger and You are experiencing the same thing. Relate to money i have 4Euro :D. So we are on the same boat. I have a car too (Fiat Punto) but no problem occured. YET. 

You feel anxious but on the other hand I having strong anger moments. Sometimes I can't manage my anger and I'm making silly decisions and actions which I regret later. 

We can do this Bob. We must do this for ourselves and surroundings.

We are awesome! 

Edited by Onlysoul

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Good job! Keep it up! You're gonna reach 90 days if you maintain this good pace! It's good to hear that you like to go to gym!

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Thanks, onlysoul and Tom2, I love finding your encouraging posts on my journal. ?

Day 36/90. And 41 for soda/porn (figured I'd give an update). I met with the priest yesterday morning. It was a nice meeting. I was honest about the things I'd done wrong in the marriage due to my addictions. He said he'd be glad to meet with my wife and I.

     I called her and we talked after work. She's still set on a divorce and adamant about it, but surprisingly open to meeting with the priest. At first, I thought, why bother if she's set in stone? But I thought about it and if she has left that door open, I have to go through it. Whatever happens, I don't want to have any regrets on what else I could've done in these last months.

     What was nice was that I went to the gym right after our talk. If I had any anxiety, I killed it on the treadmill haha! And I talked with friends and family that night and had a lot of support. I also slept great in my own bed. It's probably a combination of exercise, meditation, and meds that are helping. I'm probably also coming to terms with those boiling emotions that I had suppressed.

Gratitude:

1. I did meet with the priest

2. I did call my wife and ask her to meet with him

3. I have encouraging friends and family

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Keep it up! I'll keep reading your journal! I'm sorry to hear your situation with your wife. Hang in there... I don't know what to say.

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Dude! That's awesome! I am so happy to see you repairing some previous damage. From my experience, it's always worth it to do that :) Also, my parents divorced when I was young, but they worked on their relationship even after it was finalized and they're best friends with each other still. And that's even after my mom got re-married. Not sure if there are kids involved with you, but the point I'm trying to make is even if a divorce does happen it's great to be able to still have a relationship afterwards. It can be extremely healthy. 

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@Tom2 Thanks! I understand. Sometimes I don't know what to write on people's journals either but I appreciate reading an encouraging note each day.

@Moe Smith Yes, I think there's a good chance we'll be friends if we do divorce. I may have failed my wife in areas of intimacy and trust, but I was always there for support in a crisis and I was always a shoulder to cry on.

Day 37/90. So tonight is the meeting with my wife and the priest. I'm honestly not expecting too much though I appreciate her willingness to meet at all. I think I'll be relieved either way and I'll pretty much know where things are heading. I think I'm tired of having forlorn hope. It's mentally exhausting. After tonight, there'll either be a real chance or none and I can adjust accordingly.

She told me the other day that she was happy for my changes and wanted someone else to enjoy the "good Robert". Sigh. I told her she deserved the good me. She put up with the bad me for so long. But it's not my.call. I can only make my case, declare my love, and hope. If it's not enough, it's not enough and I must be ready to move on.

I tell you one thing. If I do have to move on, I'm leaving these addictions behind me in the trash. Dump gaming, soda, and porn in the can and slam the lid. I will never hurt another woman, or any relationship for that matter, like this again.

Gratitude:

1. I slept a solid 8 hours in my bed despite all this drama happening. Meds/meditation/exercise yay!

2. Gym workouts

3. A supportive mother who always listens to me

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Bob, I don't know what to say man, besides good luck. You're being so brave, it's incredible. Whatever happens today, don't feel regret. You made mistakes, like everyone else, but you tried and are still trying your very best and that's what counts. Perhaps your wife fears you'll fall back into bad habits if you get together again. Perhaps she's simply sure that she wants to move on to another stage of her life, not better, not worse, but without you as her husband. As you say, it's her call, she has the right to make choices you may even consider mistakes at some point. It feels frustrating and beyond your control of course. But I know you love her and the first proof of that is your willingness to respect her decision, and that only speaks good of you. Whatever happens, never forget. You're a good man with good intentions and a righteous path in front of you, and you have the strength to tread that path. You're doing awesome, and that makes you awesome. You have at least half of the community grinding their chairs in anticipation. Will @Mettermrck succeed in his goals? Will he finish his detoxes? Will he begin to live a life he and therefore us are proud of? I can't wait to answer those questions with a big YES, HE DID!

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