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Mettermrck

Bob's Journey

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Thanks, @Hitaru and @giblets! No try! Just do...*growl* ?

Day 51/90. We have general health screenings at work today and I signed up. You get your weight and some bloodwork. Usually I get nervous because the nurse scolds me for obesity, diabetes, etc. This is the first time I actually look forward to it hehe. The fasting stinks though.

I read The Slight Edge chapter on goal setting and was working on it last night, with naming the goal, what that means, what the deadline is, and my plan. So I set up goals for:

1. Health (goal weight, gym)

2. Financial (better income, savings)

3. History (podcast, degree)

4. Social (dating, organizations)

5. Spiritual (church, contemplation).

I'd worked on this a little before but it was nice fully fleshing them out and giving me targets to work towards.

Gratitude

1. I'm able to save money by not eating out or buying games

2. I just love wearing smaller clothes

3. I live in an air conditioned condo

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Man, I'm not the first one to mention but those job benefits are awesome! Here in Spain the only extra you can usually get is less lashes :D

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Are you fasting for bloodwork?
Great job at setting goals! And respect for your attitude towards health screenings, they make your progress more measurable and therefore much more pleasant.
Godspeed.

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Man, I'm not the first one to mention but those job benefits are awesome! Here in Spain the only extra you can usually get is less lashes :D

You get siestas! So disappointed that did not catch on down under!

I know that feeling about fasting @Mettermrck, I am off for a blood test this morning and my morning routine is totally thrown out of whack without green tea and cereal! I seem to not be motivated as a result! Fingers crossed it will all be worthwhile in the end.

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Day 52/90. So my health screening at work wasn't too bad. If my weight is right, I've lost many more pounds last week. My blood pressure is good though my cholesterol was slightly off and my sugar was a little high. I think the sugar was high because of my relapse. Sometimes I get nervous because I eat more fruit and drink more milk as part of my changes. But surely that has to be better for me than the lousy fast food and soda I was gorging on? Sigh...analysis paralysis. I have to watch that.

Other than that, I'm hanging in there. My arms feel like jello as I graduated to the 20 lb dumbbells yesterday. I was proud of that.

Gratitude

1. Upped my weights at the gym

2. Did my health screening and know I have more work to do

3. I have encouraging friends to talk to

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Congrats on good results! You're definitely progressing very well.

Be careful not to push yourself too hard on weightlifting, so you feel more enthusiastic to return to the gym. Consistency is way more important than occasional super efforts.

Thank you for systematical posts, that keeps the pace for all community members.

Edited by Vlad

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Thanks, @Vlad! Don't worry, I'm slow and steady at the gym. I let my muscles tell me where they're at and slowly challenge myself. I can tell I'll be on 20 lbs dumbbells for a while haha.

Hey @Cam Adair! I appreciate it very much. And thanks for the "special thanks" on the forums. ? Honestly, it's part of my recovery. I know from experience how excited I get when someone posts even a short note on my journal. It makes me feel less isolated, like people are listening. So I try to give that to others. And if I invest in supporting them, they're more likely to support me. And social is my weak spot, that's for sure.

Day 53/90. I've been battling soda and porn relapses all week long. I still go to the gym and avoid gaming, but I'm still battling to break free of the other stuff. I have learned valuable lessons, however, on how I cannot give an inch in these areas. Anything from drinking a sparkling water, meeting someone at a McDonald's, or looking too long at a risque image and fapping, just sets me on a path to relapse.  Having improved so much these last two months, I can see the negative differences in how I feel when I do these things. The anxiety, the spending, the frustration. I know better. I won't even try, I will!, stop and get back on track.

     Thanks, @giblets, for talking about being honest in your journal in that last podcast episode. It's so tempting to just try to gloss over your struggles, hide them, and pretend nothing's wrong. Then you try to work it out on your own, which rarely works. No, I feel better admitting my battles.

     It wasn't all gloom and doom yesterday haha. I've communicated more with my brothers lately which is an awesome thing. I hardly talked with them at all these past few years. And they both work out so I'm able to talk about gym advice now that I'm doing it too. 

    So the journey continues and I keep learning!

Gratitude

1. Brothers and family

2. Gym. I'm probably way less anxious as a result.

3. This forum, for a place to journal and open up

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Bob, awesome progress!

I think triggering oneself is pure masochism, i'm glad that you're determined not to test your will power on purpose.

Keep on pushing, you're doing great.

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Hey @Cam Adair! I appreciate it very much. And thanks for the "special thanks" on the forums. ? Honestly, it's part of my recovery. I know from experience how excited I get when someone posts even a short note on my journal. It makes me feel less isolated, like people are listening. So I try to give that to others. And if I invest in supporting them, they're more likely to support me. And social is my weak spot, that's for sure.

Bob, thank you man. I've been procrastinating showing up in other's journals for almost all the time I've been here, and you showed me, right in my face. Even with a job and a workout routine it can be done. All my respect man, you're turning into legend!

Thanks, @giblets, for talking about being honest in your journal in that last podcast episode. It's so tempting to just try to gloss over your struggles, hide them, and pretend nothing's wrong. Then you try to work it out on your own, which rarely works. No, I feel better admitting my battles.

@giblets was in the podcast? I'm checking on that, awesome @giblets

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The great thing about yesterday mate is your self awareness of your triggers! If you know what is going to trigger you to relapse then you can come up with a strategy to combat them. This is one area where I see so many people (including myself) fall down is not having self awareness. Are there other meeting spots that are just as convenient that you could see people without being at McDonalds? If you get on the front foot and suggest a place rather than allow them to, I bet they wouldn't even notice that you were trying to avoid it. What other things do you like to drink other than sparkling water? Juice is another good one if you are trying to find something more interesting than water. What about really cold water? I find I am more motivated to drink more water during the day if it is really cold for some reason, so I always make sure that I have small bottles of it in the fridge.

Sure am @Hitaru, episode 14 the "Detox Survival Kit". Lots of really useful tools on there on how to get through the detox and kickstart personal development!

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Thanks, all, @Vlad and @Hitaru.

@giblets, yes I will not meet at McDonalds next time. Restaurants are fine, but the fast food places just bring back bad memories. When I was in a bad way a year ago, I would camp out at fast food places, pass the time for an hour or two, and binge on soda and junk food. Some days I'd go to 3-4 different places to pass the time if my wife was home. If she wasn't, I'd get takeout and game binge at home. Sparkling water does the same thing. The fizz of twisting the cap off, the bubbles, the carbonation. Bad idea. Actually yes I have been enjoying large glasses of cold ice water. I guzzle it actually. And crystal light is my occasional exciting drink hehe. I just fell into old ways and have snapped out of it.

Day 54/90. Somehow, despite my relapses, I still lost 2 more lbs...down to 296.2. I never slacked at the gym so that probably helped. 

I started reading Miracle Morning yesterday. Like Slight Edge, it is reinforcing things I'm already doing, and confirming my methods and also showing ways to add to it and enhance my routine.

So, a new week, a new moment. Watched Cam's video yesterday on picking a word for 2017. I'm very late, but the word that popped into my head is Transformation. I just know I'm becoming a different person. I will not be the same man next year as I am now. Just have to be patient and work through the process.

Was thinking about an old PC game yesterday, Talos Principle. It was a puzzle game that was also very philosophical. It was real intelligent and thought provoking. I ended up watching videos to recall the story. That was a dangerous thing to do but I don't regret it somehow. That's the kind of quality game that I never felt bad about. But I don't know if I'm ready for moderation, even at 90 days. I can't jeopardize my physical and financial recovery. Have to keep my distance for now.

Gratitude

1. Lost 2 more lbs!

2. Reading a lot more lately!

3. I have free access to a gym

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Right on, bro! Both thumbs up)

How do you feel at a lower weight? Did your energy level get better? Proud of you, fitness man!

You are as is the protagonist and designer of an all-genres-in-one game. I know you can make it the most intelligent and thought provoking game ever.

And, yeah, you're right they're not making them like they used to. xD

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In my case, I also thought about gaming in moderation. My decision was to leave it to my future 'me'. After 90 days, He will decide whether to play games in moderation or not. I thought it's not gonna be late to decide after 90 days.

About some good games that are not addictive, I also have good memories. I didn't actually played, but 'Journey' is the one that pops up in my brain. 

It's good to hear good news about your health! Keep it up :) 

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@Vlad, I still don't feel emotionally better yet about myself even though I've dropped weight and can see great changes in my appearance. I think some of that is my own deep rooted depression that I'll have to battle even after I reach my goal weight. I do seem to function well on less sleep since I've started exercising, which is nice.

@Tom2, that was a great comment! Yes, let my 90 day self decide and not fuss about it. Still have a little over a month to go so no rush. I suspect I won't go back to gaming during this weight loss journey. That's too important to risk sabotage.

Day 55/90. Yesterday wasn't bad. I upped the intensity at the gym and walked at a slightly higher speed. I was worn out for the rest of the day haha but it was a good feeling. I noticed I was extremely hungry many times yesterday. Sometimes I feel like an empty fuel tank and I have to keep shoveling in food just to keep up hehe. I eat a lot more fruit now as snacks and that helps keep me going.

Sometimes on Sundays, after the euphoria of a weekly weight loss wears off, I feel like the dread of another week of hard slogging, feeling light headed, still fighting against loneliness. I think part of the reason is that I was in this weight territory just a few years ago when I had had my weight loss surgery but then gained much of it back. My next milestone is 290, my lowest recorded weight in 2011 after the surgery. Once I'm past that, I'll be at weights I haven't been at for 18-19 yrs, since college. That will truly be transformational. I still love the gym of course, just have to make sure I'm eating enough, getting enough fuel.

Gratitude

1. The gym. Still moving forward!

2. My car...old but it works

3. Encouraging friends

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I call them the "Sunday blues", and I think that lines up with your timezone. I used to get them almost every week, especially after a few beers, and especially if I had been playing games all weekend. I still get them every now and again now, which is where my struggle to be productive on weekends come from. I don't want to say they are normal or natural, but you're not unique in your feelings. An element of it is looking forward to the upcoming week and feeling like you're starting from scratch, hitting that reset button, and an element of it is looking back to the week just gone and thinking you could do more, or wanting to do something differently, or regret from not doing something at all. Loneliness is hard work, and even if you have friends and a partner, you can still struggle with it sometimes. All I can say to it is don't force it, when I have done things to try and get rid of the loneliness such as forcing myself to go out or trying to reach out to people I thought I could trust, it has never worked out for me at all, some of the repercussions I am still dealing with. Instead now I just change my environment, just completely get out of wherever or whatever you are doing and do something else to re-center yourself. For me it's simply running or going for a walk with a podcast that will make me laugh (like Bill Burr), for you it might be getting out of your room/house and going for a drive, or just getting away from your computer and onto the couch. Mentally, identify the triggers and shift what you're thinking about. Stop what you're thinking about and start working on your podcast, or looking at workout routines, or watch cat videos!

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Bob, great job!

A significant increase in appetite may be a sign of you pushing too hard in respect to a weight loss goal. Keep your workouts steady, not too hard and energizing.

Blues are no joke, you have to reinforce your drive by giving yourself a healthy treat (in a broad sense, not like a candy etc.) after you sum up a period of time. It seems to me that a week is your period of choice. That's why you probably mentally sum things up on Sundays and feel like you're at a small crossroads. I suggest you do something pleasant on Sunday if you did well that week. Go to a theme park, a movie or go get a massage etc. That way your mind will be sure that you're doing something positive and you will have more motivation.

Congratulations on coming close to an uncharted territory!!! I haven't been below 220 lbs myself for at least 2 years and feel excited to go there, and your soon-to-be achievement is even cooler. So respect for that and best of luck. And respect for your consistency!

Edited by Vlad

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Thank you, @giblets! It's encouraging to know that Sunday blues don't just happen to me. Yes, I think symmetrically...in blocks of a week or a month. So on Sundays, I'm contemplating another new block of time.

@Vlad that is an awesomea suggestion about some kind of pleasant activity. Sunday is usually pretty quiet except for church in the morning and the gym in the early afternoon. Maybe I can drive to the beach or walk around the mall or something. Just break out of my isolation and be around people.

Day 56/90. Last night was tough. My Mom had to cash in her life insurance. It's the last source of major money she has left. I encouraged her to do it as she had no choice and needed it for vet, medical, and car bills. But I could tell she was depressed about it. I gave her a hug and encouraged her as best I can. I told her I am getting my act together and can help her more now that I'm not blowing my money. And as I lose weight, I'll have more energy and confidence to go after a better job, a promotion or even a part time job for more income.

      I know we're going to be ok. It was just sad to see her sad. My Mom and I are pretty separated from the rest of our family, even more so since I'm divorcing and losing my in laws.

     All the more reason to reinforce my motivation to do what I am doing.

Gratitude

1. My mother's love and support

2. Encouraging friends and counselor

3. I have the power to change my circumstances

Edited by Mettermrck

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I'm sorry about your hardship. Our loved ones need us to be strong. I'm sure that you are a strong man and will make it through. I'm in a temporary cashflow ass of a situation myself, but it's the direction we're moving in that matters in the long run. Yes, you can, bro!

As for more social pleasant activities, maybe you can find a board game club or a social dance club nearby. I like these both activites. Plus, the latter always reeeeeally need more men. I'm positive that they will be glad to wlecome you. Just pick something easy on the joints to begin with.

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Plus, the latter always reeeeeally need more men. I'm positive that they will be glad to wlecome you. Just pick something easy on the joints to begin with.

You say! In Spain latin dances are currently a big hit, and it's just ridiculous the disparity between men and women. I have a friend that really got into them (he lost around 30 kilos/66 lbs, there was a time he was in 4 academies simultaneously and danced around 8-12 hours daily, a madman :o). He's short, like no more than 5' 4", plump and thick boned, so the poor guy wasn't that popular with girls (at least until they saw him dance!) and the amount of work he had partnering with the girls was hilarious. Thankfully he likes girls and dancing with the same passion, other people would have ended in the hospital due to exertion.

@giblets It's settled then, if anyone ever makes a movie about gaming addiction, the name shall be "Sunday Blues". Sundance next hit, I assure you.

Keep going Bob! You are going to be ok.

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Day 57/90. I'm a little frustrated with myself about the soda and porn relapses. Gaming is fine and I'm confident I'll make it and don't want to go back. Thank goodness I'm a PC gamer and not mobile.

But the relapses for soda and porn are frankly....pissing me off! ? I KNOW better. I objectively, rationally, know, from experience (and not theorizing) that my life without this stuff is better. It is! So why do I fool around and flirt with the edge!

I am NOT going back to the way I was. I need to harness this anger into a positive energy and recommit myself to never ever go back again to that dark hole of a place. Mediocrity is not good enough.

Gratitude

1. An old friend can help my Mom get a plane ticket to see my older brother in Seattle

2. Miracle Morning gets me pumped up!

3. I can work my anxiety into the ground at the gym

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Bob, you're doing well!

As for soda, you probably should try an rearrange your schedule so that you're less exposed to it.Like maybe set a pattern of going to the grocery stores at specific times when you're in ok mood and aren't hungry / craving for sugary soda.

As for porn, bro I don't know. It's just too easy to access. Some other motivation maybe.

Anyways, I'm proud of your progress, keep it up!

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