Level Up: Game Free Day 62 (New Record) Still going! No relapses! (Oh... I watched one episode of NCIS with my wife after a long day where we both just wanted to veg and snuggle in the air conditioning. It was actually really nice, and no relapse stress at all) So it's definitely been a while since I've been on here. That is primarily due to time. I've learned a lot about time management since I've been through this. I no longer consider myself a procrastinator. I don't always get things done as soon as I possibly can, but that's because things aren't priorities until they are. When I was procrastinating, I used to game a bunch when I needed to work on other things, and the thought was of course "I'll do it later." Nowadays, when I look at my to-do list (Mow the lawn, clean the house, fold my laundry, do homework X, do homework Y, do homework Z, go do freelance work, etc.) I plan things out and I decide which thing I'm doing when. Sometimes my homework still gets done an hour before it's due, but it's not because I didn't think about it, or I blew it off, it's because all the time before I started working on my project, I was doing something else worthwhile. I had assignments due that were more pressing, I was spending my time with my family, I was taking time for my personal sanity in my busy days, and so on. I don't procrastinate anymore, I prioritize.
I've been going through some rough times due to time, lol. I've currently got classes from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Monday-Friday. This is probably the biggest hell schedule I'll have for the rest of my academic career. I've got about three hours worth of gaps spaced between my classes. About 90% of that time is dedicated to homework, then I have homework at home as well (about 2 hours a night), and I've got travel time to and from school too. So at BEST, I'm looking at about 13 hour days, and at worse, I'm looking at about 15 or 16 hour days for school every day right now. I'm so fucking exhausted, and my brain has been running on full blast for weeks now. I'm ready for this schedule to be over, which will occur in 12 more days. I can't wait. I got some new books to read for fun! Reading those before bed is helping to keep me sane. Speaking of, Monster Hunter International (book 2) awaits! Love and miss you guys. I'll do my best to post, read, and comment.
Alright, I'm feeling more human again and not just a mechanical moving robot. The move was a big success :-) Lots of hard work, but very very worth it. The new house is amazing and we're already in love with the place. It fits our furniture better, we have an office, there's a playground, etc. It's a really his thing to be at the new place. It's the first place that felt like home, instead of just a temporary stop, since I met my wife :-) I'll continue this later, but know I'm back. My gaming urge is strong today as I am super exhausted. But luckily, I have no idea which box my mouse is in. Haha
Level Up: Game Free Day 42 (New Record!) Hey everyone, Sorry it's been such a long time since my last presence on here. As indicated by my last post, Chester's death on Thursday hit me pretty hard. I'm still reeling from it a bit, but I've had my moment of mourning. I'm the type of person who mourns once for a loss, I'll basically compress everything I'm feeling into one sitting or day worth of crying and huge emotions. In addition to my favorite artist's death, I'm moving about 20 minutes away from where I currently am. The last few weeks have felt SUPER draining because of that as well. I feel like I haven't had the chance have any time to myself, just for me. I'm pretty weary because of it. We move this weekend, so hopefully it's all on its way to being done and I can get back to a normal routine. Due to normal stresses, plus the added above ones, I'm feeling weak. I can feel my convictions on gaming and my other vices slipping. I'm not worried about falling off the wagon and relapsing on gaming right now, because I wouldn't have the time in my day to play anyways. I'm not really worried about T.V. shows either, because I decided a while ago the stories in T.V. shows weren't actually very exciting to me. They are mostly just entertaining and cool to see, but ultimately shallow. There might be a couple that are exceptions to that, like Game of Thrones and anything with Doug Jones in it. I've already relapsed on fapping and porn (though not hardcore porn). My primary goal was to quit gaming, and I'm still doing that, but this makes me feel like I'm interfering with my brain's ability to re-write itself away from the dopamine excess. So I'm feeling a little down because I've messed with that already. In addition to all this, I'm feeling like I've plateaued and I'm not getting any better. And my final worry right now, is that I've been having thoughts of re-introducing gaming into my life after I finish my 90 days (ish... we'll see if I need a little more time when I get there. Not in the way I used to do it. But I used to have a once-a-week scheduled time to play with some of my friends who were in their late 20's/early 30's. It was kind of nice to just jam with some friends and have something to do to connect with them. It was especially nice because it's hard to get everyone together with 5 adult's busy schedules. I'm not entirely convinced at this moment, that re-introducing this would be a bad thing for my life. I've got about half of my detox left in order to make up my mind about it though. So right now I'm struggling a bit. Hopefully it will pass after this weekend and the move (the new house is a HUGE improvement over the last space. It's the home we've been looking for for over 3 years now). Also, another high note. My wife and I basically spent our 3-day weekend in the house packing ahead of time (which never happens), and playing a board game called Descent. My weekend was quite nice She's also been wonderful in supporting me after Chester died. So overall, the home life is good. My girls are going to sleep early tonight, they're both super tired. So I'll finally take some time to do some writing on my book, read some posts from my friends on here: @Tom2, @Mettermrck, and especially @giblets (I've been totally failing as an accountability partner. Sorry brother.)
Hopefully I'll feel a little better after all that tonight, and some good sleep.
Level Up: Game Free Day 37 (New Record!) Today one of my heroes took his own life, Chester Bennington, co-lead singer/screamer of Linkin Park. I am utterly heartbroken. I'm not a crazy fanatic who dashed for their phone every time they posted on social media, but I am an enormous fan of their music. It changed my life completely. I didn't understand the point of listening to music until my brother, Ryan, started blasting Hybrid Theory when it released in 2000, I was 12 years old. Up until this point, music didn't make sense to me, and I thought people were silly for listening to it. Then I heard songs like Crawling, Paper Cut, and In The End. The pain that I was going through as a too-smart nerdy kid who was getting bullied was brought to life in musical format. It made it OK for me to feel the way that I was, and I realized there were other people in the world who were hurting too. Knowing I wasn't alone in what I was going through made me stronger. I made more friends, I outgrew the bullies, and I gained the courage to stand up to them even when they were picking on others instead of me. Believe it or not they also helped me curb my temper and my violent streak I had as a kid. A year later when I entered Jr. High, I enrolled in band. I played the clarinet for six years. When I got to highschool, I enrolled in choir and sang for 4 years (1 year college). I went to music festivals, and played first chair clarinet in an orchestra that SWEPT in competitions, won state every year, and I became the backbone of my college Concert Choir. I would never have understood music or spent any time learning it without this amazing band and their influence on me. There are a thousand different instances in my life where I turned to LInkin Park in order to sort out what I was feeling, what I should do, and what I wanted my life to be. To this day, if I'm so pissed I can't function, I listen to their album Minutes To Midnight from start to finish, and it's 100% guaranteed to calm me down and help make sense of things. Linkin Park has been the most influential artist/group (and I'm not just talking about music, ANY artist) in my life. They are a MAJOR factor in me being the man I am today. I wouldn't be me, I wouldn't be a musician, I wouldn't be strong. Thank you for 17 years of AMAZING music Chester. You will be missed like a best friend that I could always confide in. I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't stay in this world. Hopefully someday people won't have to feel that way anymore. I love you and your work. You will never be forgotten. Rest in Peace.
Lol. I don't understand our credit system well either. All I know is it HURTS if you're not perfect. Ugg... Onward and upward. Our credit is worse now than it will ever be in our lives, so we can only go up from here! Mwahaha. Yeah we were able to find a really cool dude who's our landlord. We were totally transparent on things, and we negotiated some things out so that he felt comfortable even with the credit score. AND he's a lawyer who specializes in home/rental law! I successfully negotiated with a lawyer, that's a first! Woohoo! Haha My wife and I get into little tussles like every one in a while... maybe like 4 times a year. So truly not bad. When something like this happens, we obsess over the communication and how things should be for the future. We never let anything just simmer and fester, we face it and debug it like a program. Haha.
Good news!!! Credit check was bad, criminal check was flawless, last landlord review recommended us, current landlord raved about us, plus negotiations, and *drumroll* we'll be signing the lease on 1/2 an awesome house probably tomorrow or Wednesday! YEAH!!!! ... it's been a stressful day, but with good results... Oh, and all the dishes in the house are clean now. Yay!
Level Up: Game Free Day 34 (New Record!) Overall things have improved in our family quite a bit. It's kind of a stressful time overall for us. We're trying to move, my wife is looking for a new job, I'm in school, our daughter is in school, I'm not working much, etc. We're doing very well now. Last Friday was just a particularly hard day for us to deal with. We talked it through, and I know what I need to do moving forward and she knows what she needs to do. I think we're both still getting used to this new version of me, and that newness just caused some sparks to fly for one evening. I was able to point out that she and I are a lot more passionate with each other since I stopped gaming. We have a LOT more sex, which is awesome for both of us. And I pointed out that I'm not so grumpy anymore and I don't make our daughter cry every day like I used to. I still make her cry sometimes, but that's usually when I have to do some tough love parenting and she just wants sugar instead of dinner. Lol. Overall though, things are better between us, and we were able to say some things that we've needed to say. Right now, we've got our fingers crossed so hard our fingers have no blood in them. We applied to rent the upper portion of a house that we LOVE! Our credit is super bad (thank you very much government for fucking students over SO hard on student loans), and so he's hesitating a bit. Hopefully we've negotiated well enough that he'll accept us, and we can move in there for three years, and he's got his rent set up so that consistent on-time payments can actually help our credit! God this would be the PERFECT move for us and so we're really hoping that he liked us well enough to trust us, rather than trusting a credit report. That's mostly what's going on right now. We start packing for our move tonight. Hopefully this time around will be easy. We've been trying to get rid of our extra stuff all year long so this move would be light. This week we'll see if we actually succeeded. Lol.
Level Up: Game Free Day 32 (New Record!) Oh... lol. I feel like I have been fairly active in the forums since my last post, but I totally spaced making my own post! Haha. Oops. So I made it past 30 days! That's awesome. Things have been pretty good overall. Still kicking ass in my class. I was one of 4 students chosen to be a project lead for the next phase of the course. Basically that means I get to have my own team (25% of the class), and I will coordinate with the other 3 team leaders to deliver an actual software product in 5 weeks. It's going to be a bit crazy, but it should be fun as well. We haven't figured out what kind of software we're making yet, but I'm really excited to get even more project management experience. My wife and I have having a bit of a hiccup right now. She admitted that she doesn't view most of my activities as productive, which included school, game quitters, personal projects that I need for my own sanity, etc. That caused a harsh discussion last night. It was unpleasant. She said that can't appreciate it if she can't see any results from the efforts. Most of what I'm doing right now is for long term goals, and long term results, so it's really frustrating to no have anything tangible to show her. I think we probably got through most of the muck... there's probably a bit more to wade through though. I'll keep trying to make things better for the family, and hopefully she'll see that at in a while. One thing I know I can do, is keep the house looking nice, make sure breakfast is made, lunch is packed, and dinner is planned. Those are physical things that she looks for, and appreciates. Maybe I can start working on my body in earnest. That would be a physical change she would notice too haha. Another thing to report is that I had a bit of a slip regarding porn/masturbation. I got onto Deviant Art yesterday, looking for examples of a painting technique that I really like. I'm thinking of starting a series of art projects based on this technique, and I wanted to see if anyone was doing similar things. Looks like no, I couldn't find anything. Haha. Anyways, I got myself into a bad spot and I started looking at artistic nudes. You can imagine what happened after that. The thing is, I don't really regret what happened. It was a very different experience than what the normal version of porn+masturbation is. I wasn't looking at people fucking each other, or being dirty, kinky, or quirky, etc. I was looking at artistically shot women's bodies. I think woman are like walking pieces of art. The shape of their bodies, the curve of their lips, the shine in their eyes, all of it is gorgeous to me. I am an artist, and I can look at a wonderfully sketched piece of art, listen to a great piece of music, view a beautiful painting and appreciate the creativity and the beauty within it. When I look at a woman, especially my wife, I get that same feeling of deep appreciation for the way their bodies look. This time around, I was looking at women from this beautiful sensual perspective, and not from a pornographic perspective. The experience was vastly different from the norm, and my body reacted very differently as well. Anyways, it was an interesting experience. I don't think I should be doing that again, because it falls right into the dopamine category of "Click = new high" and that's the main reason I'm going through this detox, is to rewire my brain away from those things. However, I don't regret it, and it helped to shed some light on a perspective that I already had, and it showed me how to appreciate the way I think of women a little better. Basically, they're not just potential sex partners (that's a bit extreme overall, but it gets the point across), they're artistic bodies piloted by beautiful souls. I think that's a win for me overall.
Agreed. Relapses are a way of telling us that your reasons for quitting aren't quite complete yet. Figure out what made you go back, and how you can change that portion of your life for the better. If you need someone to talk it through with, hit me up. My last relapse was a great success! I'm already past 30 days right now, and my dedication to this is rock solid. I wouldn't have had that if I didn't relapse one last time.
"It's the right time to rethinking my life. Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. I'm going to quit this forum because games are not problem for me anymore. Thank you guys for all your encouragement. I want to live on 100%. That is exactly what i'm going to do. Maybe one day fitted in suit and having rolex watch on my left hand with that calm buddha smile I'll become slovakian Elon Musk. Thank you! You are awesome."
Good luck to you man! If you ever have something that you need help with, we'll be here.
Happened to me not too long ago. It was really helpful to remind myself of the things that I knew I could do well, and I spent some time doing those things. Helped me recover some of my internal courage. Take some time to heal, but if you need a little boost, maybe do some of that?
Hey Bob, I can only imagine what you're going through right now. But I want you to know a few things: You've got a brand new exciting life now that you've made these awesome changes, and that is truly amazing. You're in a infinitesimally small number of part of the population that has the will to change their life. You're an awesome friend, and a good man. You're not only changing your life, but you've helped to change mine as well. Not to mention I'm pretty sure that @Onlysoul, @Tom2, @giblets, and many more could say the same thing. You've got MAJOR power in your life now. I'm excited to see who you become later down the line as well. You're going to have outstanding success.Thanks for being such a great force for encouragement, determination, class, and friendship on here man. You're a cornerstone here dude.
DUDE!!!!! TODAY IS THE DAY!!!! YOU FUCKING MADE IT BROTHER!!!!! Damn proud of you man! I'm seriously stoked that you finished that first almighty step that we're all shootin for! I hope it feels like a victory, because making it that long when you're in the gaming funk so deep as we all were is nothing short of amazing!
Yeah I made my Facebook post when I re-entered school after my relapse. I had just about 2 weeks worth of detox under my belt. I wanted to let people know that I was going back and that I was different this time around. Yeah the Ender's Game movie was very well done. It's my single most favorite book and they crushed it! Almost a prefect representation. :-D Yeah you're totally right about my last relapse. This last time around I was able to form a few new thoughts that I needed. Add those to the new research I had from Cam about the effects on my brain and bam! I was hooked on NOT being hooked. It's been a great process this far. And yes I do have downtime :-) Board games with the family, reading, cooking, writing my book, chatting for fun with my wife. All of these are nice ways for me to relax. That and the ice cream :-) I will never regret I've cream!