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Moe Smith

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Everything posted by Moe Smith

  1. To answer your concerns, I was doing pretty well since I graduated. Yes I went back to gaming, no I didn't let it effect my life too bad. I had a bit of a distance on it this time. I held it at a distance this time, and of course there were negative impacts/moments on my life, however, they were fairly minimal this time around. It was ultimately just the last piece of the gradient I've been making for myself over the last two years to remove gaming completely. My life is already feeling much better and I feel more like my true self these days. Improvement, production, real connection with others, joy in my hobbies, etc. I've found I love working on my garden, and someday when I come visit you @giblets I would love to work on the garden a bit! It's very soothing for me to step out from behind the screen of work, and get my fingers into the earth.
  2. Day 13/90 (14% complete ... until I increase my goal), Work It has been a whirlwind of days recently. Early last week, I was slacking off at work pretty badly. I wasn't feeling any passion in my work, and I was just over it all, ready to move onto my next job (whatever that will end up being). Part of how I was slacking off, was watching Critical Role - Season 2 on YouTube while I worked. I've had plenty of days where this was a fine technique and prevented me from burning out over a long day's work. Last week though it turned into purely avoidance. Overall I justified my actions, but truly I felt pretty shitty. On Wednesday my project (which launches in late July) started ramping up hard core. I decided I wasn't going to do any Critical Role, and I was going to focus on my work. The next 3 days blurred by and I kicked some major serious ass in my project! My role in the project is Business Analyst - which essentially translates to "I make documentation which serves as blueprints for software, then I give said blueprints to Software Developers for them to program." My documentation has been done for a while now, and at this point I'm acting more as a Project Manager since the real guy is over allocated by a ton. I communicated with stakeholders, guided the members of my team, and even ended up doing some content management for the client which was way outside of the purview of my role. In short I feel fucking proud of myself for the work I put in last week. I know, hands down, that the project would have crumbled without me as the linchpin last week! And I performed my best work as a paid professional even including the Monday and Tuesday's slack off. I feel like I am able to give myself permission to move on and land the new job now. I was holding onto a concept that I shouldn't move on while the project still needed me, and I feel like it would be ok now and that I'm leaving on a high note rather than a slump. Professionally I feel great. Now I need to put my nose to the grindstone and re-engineer my resume. I haven't really started on that yet, which was my goal from Thursday. Work ate up all my spare time, so I have to start it this morning while I've still got a few hours to myself. Marriage In my non-professional life, aka real life, things got a little tense with my wife. She felt like I wasn't focusing on her or making her important towards the end of the week, and we fought about it a couple of times. Ultimately she's right, but I pushed back on her a bit. She has a tendency to black and white things, and I didn't want her to do that with the situation. I was making some small efforts to make sure I wasn't just glued to my computer towards the end of the week. It could have been done more, which is why I feel she's right, but I made conscious effort to still say hi to her, be sweet on her, and thank her for making lunch when I was working from home on Friday. We're doing well now, and her mood has mellowed out. We're in an odd place with our communication. We've both agreed that we have too much communication training between the two of us and that we want to be less formal with each other. Transitioning out of that has made a bit of tension, but we're working on it. Parenting Saturday was my kiddo's birthday party and she is now 8 years old! I'm a very proud daddy and the birthday was a lot of fun. I'm really proud of the fact that I stayed present during her party and I wasn't in my head thinking about video games, or shows, or work, etc. I was there, I was her dad, and we all had a great time! Ah... shit the cake is still in my car! Oops. Lol. Being mentally available for my kids is something I'm working on doing every day. They're worth the effort and they make me so happy I literally cry when I'm around them. Social We had some friends over yesterday for snacks and board games which was nice. A long term friend got married and we've been reluctant to hang out with his wife because she seems like she doesn't care for us. I had a frank conversation with the husband, and he told me that wasn't the case. We just didn't understand her yet. It was really nice to hang with them and let that bias we were holding about her melt away. Media I started craving gaming yesterday after our friends left. I immediately told my wife and her response was "Ok, what can we do instead?" I love her! She's very much so onboard with this detox and keeping gaming out of my life permanently. We ended up cooking dinner together, which was delicious! Then we watched a food show on Netflix about an Australian Pub called Eaton Hills I think, it was pretty fascinating! (@giblets do you know that place?) Cooking made my cravings melt away as I was able to focus on something delicious and productive. After the show my wife and I went to bed. It's becoming more and more regular that we read before going to sleep. It's been really nice to see her, and also me, get back into reading. We tell each other a bit about our stories and we like being next to each other while we read. I feel very healthy when we do that! End It's been a swift few days since I posted last, so I wanted to do some recap. It's a lot of brain dump, but overall I feel pretty great! Now I'm going to go take a shower, get dressed, and since I don't have any make-up work or panic-work to do (thanks self from last week!), I can work on my resume for a full 2 hours before I have to go to work. WOO! Be kind to yourself, Morgan
  3. Day 9/90 (10% complete ... until I increase my goal that is), It's again been a few days since I posted. When I checked the journals page to start writing this post, I was happy to see that I was literally the last post on the page. It's great that the community is very active right now! I've had a duality type week so far. I was in a bit of a depressive state for Monday and Tuesday. I honestly didn't do very much work, and if I had a boss who kept a closer eye on me he would have been very displeased. Instead as I have a fair amount of autonomy I was left to my own devices and the results were sub-par (not nothing, just not good). I will admit that I abused that trust. I don't like doing that sort of thing. It makes me feel shitty and dishonest. I will also admit, that some days I am not as strong as others, and it's alright to be weak sometimes. Yesterday I worked my ass off! Part of it was to make up the lost ground from Monday + Tuesday, but another part of it was just because that's what my work projects required. I still think I only put in about 7 hours or so, but I performed about 10 hours worth of work in that time. I felt completely fried, but I walked out of the building with my head held high. I know I performed excellently and I'm honestly not quite sure what I'm going to be able to work on today. I'll discover that as I go. Working on my format for my journal: What's my goal today? Begin working on my new resume. I'm moving onto a 2 page format because I'm tired of omitting experiences just so I can keep to 1 page. Complete my Career Development plan at work, and send it to my boss. What's my goal this week (7 days)? Job Searching Complete my new resume Update my LinkedIn profile Update Glassdoor, Indeed, & Monster Profiles Seriously apply to 3 jobs this week Home Life Finish work on my lawn's island garden Buy a new lily Buy some annuals for the front Spread out 1-2 bags of topsoil Clean the kitchen & living room. Get them to an easy state of maintenance. What's my goal this month (30 days)? Job Searching Land an offer for a job I'm extremely excited about. No settling. I settled for my current job, because I didn't want to put in the work to find something better. Now it's a struggle to go to work these days. What habits am I working on forming? Consistent sleep routine (10 p.m. - 4 a.m.) Bed around 10:30 last night Woke up at 4:15 this morning (thanks puppy!) Healthy home lunch Going to pack a lunch today so I stop spending my money which I could put somewhere else Be punctual, make sure my family is punctual as well Going to wake my kiddos up early enough to not be rushed. I don't like being rushed because I get grumpy, and that's my issue not theirs. Exercise 3-4 times a week Work with my wife to figure out some times to exercise at the gym I think she doesn't start work until 8:30 which means I'm going to go right after finishing this post!
  4. As promised I'm all caught up on your posts. @James Good it sounds like you're struggling. That's great news! Many times in my life, people have tried to convince me that struggling was a bad thing. I fully disagree with them. Struggling means there's a vision for something better and going through the pain of getting closer to it. I know it's a bit over-stated, but my mind always comes back to caterpillars transforming into butterflies. First of all, they literally liquefy their own bodies to reform them into a butterfly (sounds like you're working on re-discovering your base self as well), then they change into something greater (which you're doing), then when they're done they have to struggle to escape the chrysalis. Experiments have been done and it's been proven that if the butterfly receives assistance when breaking out of the chrysalis, then they won't be strong enough to use their body properly and they die. Struggling is an essential part of their survival. I think the same applies to people. Without going through the pains of becoming something better, we end up spoiled rotten or lazy. Keep fighting against both of those lifestyles and you'll find yourself surprisingly happy and competent. @Ikar I've loved your posts so far, and I'm now following you as well. ^ I read the article. Those Fortnight people sound like they know exactly what's happening and refuse to do anything about it. It's almost hilarious, but mostly just pisses me off.
  5. Hey @James Good, I just read your first post about your history and a few of the wins you've had. I'll read the rest of the some other time, but way to go on changing your life around. Looks like we're in fairly similar boats with having prior successes in gaming and now making sure that we're set up for success in the future. We're also in a similar timeline to one another on our most recent break from gaming. I look forward to talking with you more and hearing about the awesome things you're doing. Be kind to yourself, Morgan
  6. Day 5/90 (5.6% complete! ... until I increase my goal that is), It's been a pretty busy few days since I started my new detox. I've been working, dancing, playing games with my family, and having a wonderful Father's Day today. I'm going to be brief because I have more life to attend! Things have been fast moving, but very very good. There are times when gaming is not even on my radar, and it feels great to say that. There are also times when I am tired and I just want to relax for the evening and I catch myself thinking I will play some games. It was a sad moment for me when I realized that wasn't part of my life anymore. While it was sad, and I allowed it to be sad for a moment, I changed my attitude and instead I decided to feel strong and proud of myself, even though I was still struggling. This time around in my detox, I'm not getting a lot of peer pressure. My main friends who I gamed with have kind of trickled out of my life and I'm focusing on friends where Gaming was never part of the foundation of our relationship. It's highly rewarding to think that if I see those people, there could be a ton of different activities we could do. Historically it's been like... oh what game are we going to play? All and all, it's been pretty easy so far and I'm quite happy with my progress and the results I'm seeing. I feel like I'm beginning to live life again, and actually feel it! I had fun with my kiddo today. I felt a giddy sense of fun when we were playing today. That was worth every struggle I've had this week. I'll keep moving on, and making progress in my life. Eventually I'll stop thinking about gaming, and I'll reach the goals I want. Be kind to yourself, Morgan
  7. @James Good! You're pretty much spot on yes. For me, my passion fuels a lot of what I do in my life. But when I'm gaming, but passion drops to a drip. Therefore my fuel is non-existent and I mostly do the minimal required in life. I've got a lot I want to do with my life, as I've listed, and after some honest reflection I realized gaming was the right thing to change in my life so I can move forward. Some days it's all about revitalizing passion and living life, and some days it's just about sticking with it and behaving in the way I want to, even if I don't feel like it. It would be so much easier to return to gaming and hide in that shell. Instead I'm choosing to be scared, vulnerable, and chase a dream that will be worth it regardless of the outcome.
  8. Thanks @macpowers1! Having done it before is pretty nice at this point. It's one of the reasons I think I'm good to say "no gaming forever." Because this time I'm not focusing on completing the detox. I've already proven I can do it. That's a good question on the severity between detoxes. Each time it got less extreme honestly. In my last stint I swore off PVP games (specifically League of Legends) because there is literally no end to the amount of effort and time that I could put into it. Even if I was to become the best gamer in the entire world, then I would have to keep practicing to become better, and someone would eventually dethrone me. What's also made this decision super easy for me to make is that there are other things that have become more and more important to me which have filled the void that gaming held. Working as a professional, my wife and kids, my dog, my yard, the business I want to make this year, it all built up into a wave that eventually crushed my defensive gaming responses. It used to be a challenge to speak with my wife about my gaming struggles. She's a very composed person and for her if she makes a decision then it's a done deal. So she didn't really understand why I was having a struggle keeping my word when I was saying "I'm done gaming" every year. Eventually, through many conversations, we gained enough understanding of each side that we could speak as if we were in the other person's shoes/viewpoint. That's when it got easier for sure. I'd recommend continuing to have honest conversations with your girlfriend, and maybe correlating it to something she's been doing for a long time (not sure if your lady is a shopaholic, but that's a pretty standard comparison point that could be made). I sincerely hope some of that was helpful to you! I'm in this group to go through the process again, but this time I'm much more service oriented than just getting the benefit of support for myself. Let me know if you have other questions! Be kind to yourself, Morgan
  9. Here's my introduction post if you are interested in reading it for more context. Today is day 1/90 for my detox. Yesterday I wasn't feeling well so I decided to work from home instead of going into the office. That in itself isn't a big deal, my work is pretty chill about things like that. Instead of working my full 8 hours, however, I probably worked like 2.5 maybe? I was gaming the rest of the time. I justified it because my work load is pretty light at the moment, and I'll be able to make up the lost work this morning. I'm beginning that work right after this post + a shower. I've done this type of thing before, and it never feels great. Yesterday I put on a pot of water, on high gas, in order to boil some tortellini that I wanted to have for lunch. While I was waiting I went into the other room and kept playing my game. Eventually I started to smell something weird, and thought it was my new laptop getting hot and burning off some production chemicals. Eventually I left the room and went back into the kitchen. It had been hours... I'm not even sure how many hours. The stove was still on high, and my nice pan was now blackened on the outside, it had a film of gunk on the inside of the long evaporated water, and it was giving off a horrible smell that permeated the house. I turned it off immediately. As I was staring at it, I started to berate myself mentally. That only lasted a couple of seconds, and was swiftly replaced by a single question. "Is this how I want to live my life?" It wasn't rhetorical, full of self directed malice, or even sarcastic. It was an honest question that would have accepted any answer that came to it. If I wanted my life to include gaming and for things in my life to be easy, I could have said yes to that. In reality though, as soon as I asked the question I knew what the answer was. "No... I want to be a great husband, an incredible caring father, a physically strong and active person, and I want to open a business idea I have that I believe will change the world. None of that is possible for me when I'm playing video games." I immediately deleted the games I had on my laptop and my phone, and I packed up all the solo console games in the house. I'll be giving the discs/cartridges I have to some work friends that want them. Now the only thing that remains in my house that I will play is Just Dance for the Switch (which is far closer to a workout video than a video game) and Mario Party (which my 7 year old likes to play as a family for 1 hour every 3 weeks). I also came back to the Game Quitters community immediately, because I know this place works. It worked for me previously, and I was able to make it through a 90 day detox, and a 9 month detox. This time something is very strongly different. I'm no longer holding onto the notion that gaming will be alright for me sometime in the future. I've decided that I'm done for the rest of my life. Yesterday was the last day that I will ever exist as a Gamer. From now on, I am a Game Quitter and a Board Gamer (which is a big thing in our family). Not only that, but I'm also going to reduce the amount of TV I watch. I've recently been very attracted to cooking shows because cooking is one of the things I love to do. Gardening shows have been high on my list as well. I like the sound of sticking to those types because they provide me with knowledge I didn't have before. I'm dropping shows that are purely for entertainment and getting ratings from people based on drama. Also also, I'm done with porn and masturbation. I've used that as a crutch in my marriage for a while now. My wife knows about it, and she's doesn't care that I do it. So this is purely for me. I don't like the way my mental conversations about women go when I'm watching porn. I get nasty and aggressive and start thinking about women as if the only scenario with them is "Would they look good naked and would I fuck them?". That's not how I normally am. I love women as a group, and I think they should be treated with respect and dignity, and I believe women are not an object. Those two mindsets are obviously at odds with each other so I'm cutting porn out as well. I've also lost touch romantically with my wife and we're not intimate very often anymore. Somewhere along the way I figured "That's ok. If she doesn't want to have sex I can just masturbate instead." This thought gave me permission to stop putting in effort to the romance between my wife and I, and making sure she is in the mood for sex, instead of just putting on the moves and crossing my fingers that she wants to as well. Everything that gives me a repetitive and consistent dopamine high without earning it through hard work is out. I want my brain to change and to start feeling my life the way I know it should be felt: Passionately. This entire journey for me is going to be about rediscovering my passions, removing the drunk-like disconnected veil that hangs over my eyes, repairing my relationships, being productive, and making my body strong and capable. So that's my brain dump for the day. Things may be this long consistently because I like to write, and I have no problem jotting down all the thoughts in my head. So now I am going to take my first shower as a Game Quitter, sit down at my computer, and get some good work done for the day. Cheers! Be kind to yourself, Morgan
  10. Well done on your recognition of needing change. The statement "I'm a gamer." has been in my mind for more than 2 decades at this point. It's completely terrifying to give up that part of my life. However, I've had some really good successes with quitting games before (much like you), and in reality it's more like I'm choosing to support the rest of my life, instead of just one destructive piece of myself. Stay strong, keep going. Let me know if you ever want to chat 1 x 1. Be kind to yourself, Morgan
  11. Hey man, Welcome to the group. This place is an incredible area where you can let that stress you're talking about go. Dig into the process and the detox. Be honest in both your successes and your failures, and talk about your journey with that new gorgeous wife of yours. I personally used League as my own poison and escape for 4 years. If you want to chat about that, let me know. I spent years climbing and being bound by my friend's expectations to keep playing. Best of luck. Be kind to yourself, Morgan
  12. Hi Game Quitters, It feels nice to come back to this community. This is not a new process for me. My name is Morgan, and I've been an addict to games since gradeschool. I'm now 30. I've won some battles with gaming before, including completing the 90 day detox 2 times (maybe 3?). My last time was actually 3/4 of a year completely sober. I made it that long, because I had a goal in mind. I was 9 months out from finishing college, and I knew that if I kept gaming I would fuck it up and lose my chances of finally graduating. It wasn't worth it to me. My previous goal was "No gaming until I'm graduated." I made that goal and I was stronger for it. Afterwards, I went back to gaming with decent success. Decent is no longer an acceptable status for my life. I've got a fantastic partner and wife, a smart as hell 7 year old princess, a 7 month old infant who makes my heart swell, and a goofy dog who is one of my best friends. I've also go a business I want to start and work full time for as well as a book I want to finish. I've felt a massive barrier between myself and those things that are important to me. This brings me to the title of my post - "What the hell happened to my passion?"... I know I'm a passionate guy and that I love art and life. Lately however, my emotional abilities most of the time are flat-lined. I don't feel much, and when I do it's because I've put in extra effort to live my life purposefully. I've been stubbornly holding onto the idea that I can have gaming in my life in a healthy way. There's a deep conversation I need to have with my wife on this subject. Besides that, I'm ready to remove gaming from my life for good. I've wasted so much time and attention already in my life, and I can't get it back. But I can fix my habits and make the rest of my life worthwhile. Thank you for reading if you did. I'd love to hear what you're going through if any of this resonates. Human connection is something I'm looking forward to revitalizing as well. Be kind to yourself, Morgan
  13. Days sober - 191! Days till graduation - 50! Woo! It's been a minute. Several reasons for that, finishing up school, I've got a baby on the way, I'm working a farm (which rocks overall!), and I've got some new friends and hobbies. To be the most honest I can be, however, I haven't been online and posting because I have a thought that I believe will be unpopular on this forum. Luckily tonight I'm feeling brave enough to express it: I'm going back to gaming after I graduate. Now, before the Game Quitters community blows up in my face, which they have every right to especially considering my spotty history with returning to gaming, please let me explain. I made the goal to be game free for 241 days this year. That's the distance from January 1st - August 30th, the day I finish my classes for college. Let me be clear, this was NOT a New Years resolution, the timing is coincidental (in fact I've been sober since halfway through December of 2017, but I'm not focusing on last year's numbers). I decided on this timeline because it was a clear stretch of time and I wanted to give myself every tool possible to finish my degree. Even without gaming in my life, my last 3 quarters have not been easy. This timeline has given me a lot of time to reflect on who I am, what's important, and what I want to do. One of the pieces I came to connect with is that I am a gamer. #1: Gaming is a hobby. When I joined Game Quitters, I never truly set out to quit games, but rather figure out how to live my life powerfully, and learn to have gaming as a hobby. I'm certainly not looking to dive right back into my old gaming habits and think I can handle it just because I don't have school anymore. I'd lose it quickly for sure. Instead I want to treat gaming like I do the other hobbies in my life. For example, I love to dance! I go dancing a few times a month. Also I love board games! I usually play a board game with my wife and daughter between 1-3 nights a week, I have a board game night with friends once a month, and I am DMing a D&D campaign 2-3 nights a month. Reading, swimming, hiking, writing, yard work, etc. are all hobbies that I like doing in my life, but none of them are daily activities and none of them distract me from what's important in my life: supporting my various families, improving my skills, preparing myself to open my own businesses. I will treat gaming as a sometimes hobby when I feel like it. There have been times this year, after a long day of being awesomely productive, that I just want to sit down on the couch and recharge my internal battery by playing a game for an hour. Not a binge, not a marathon of days, just a once every 3 weeks kind of feeling. Anyways, the portion of my life that I am giving back to gaming will still be extremely small. #2: I am not returning to all gaming. For many years my poison on games has been League of Legends. It's the only PVP game I ever took seriously. My PVP time in original Starcraft, Halo, and WoW combined pale in comparison to my LoL time. For me, PVP is poisonous and dangerous - thus I'm not returning to it. I'm done with PVP games. Party games like Super Smash or Mario Party, while actually at a party, are probably the only exception to this. The reason I'm staying away from PVP is the infinity of the gaming model. With League I would train for a year to reach as high as I could in the ladder, I'd do well, get prizes, and start the pattern all over again the next year. There's no end to it, there is no finish, there is no 'good enough', and there is no game over. The other type of game I'm not returning to, for the exact same infinity reason as PVP, is the Endless Grind games. Diablo 3, Warframe, & Path of Exile all fall under this category for me, and they are my primary culprits. Just like PVP, there's no end to these types of games. There's only more stuff, more stuff, more stuff. Even if it was possible to get all the gear I could ever possibly want in these games, which it isn't possible at all, a new patch in a few weeks or months would nullify the finality of it and I'd be back into the grind once again. In short, I am no longer playing games that don't end. #3: Having the option. One of the tough parts about me being sober this year, is that my friends have been really good about not enabling me in my bad gaming habits. No one's been pissed at me for bailing. Don't get me wrong, this is awesome proof that I have great friends and I love them for that. However, I feel pitied by them. I feel like they see me as this broken person whom they can't talk about gaming with. It feels like "Oh he's still our friend, but it's so sad that he couldn't make it with gaming in his life so he had to cut it out... No we can't invite him to our E3 reveal party, and we certainly can't tell him about our quarterly Retro Game Night in the office. If we tell him about those things, he might break." The E3 and Retro nights are real examples for me. Basically this one boils down to this - if there's a fun event that I want to be a part of with my friends or coworkers, or even by myself, then I want to give myself permission to say yes and permission to say no. #4: Experiencing a story If you've ready any of my posts, or had any conversations with me, you probably know I'm a writer and a story junkie. Man I STILL love a good story. Something unique, something awesome, something comical, clever, sad, wondrous, bizarre, dark, terrifying, exceptional - I love stories for all this and more. Gaming was originally a way for me to have fun while experiencing a story. The first games that I really connected with were titles like Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy 6, Fire Emblem, Mega Man, Diablo 2, Starcraft, Warcraft 2&3, and Super Mario RPG. These all have a really incredible story to tell, or a world to explore. There were characters to fall in love with: Shadow - a brave ninja with doberman, Gau - an abandoned wild child who mimics animals, Locke - a thief with a heart of gold and a tragic secret, Vol'Jin - a Jamaican troll leader indebted to an orc warchief, Kerrigan - the a futuristic sniper with a tortured soul, Mallow - a cloud who thought they were a frog who controls the weather! I'm still wildly fond of these characters and they resonate with me just as strong as any comic, movie, or book characters! I feel like if I cut myself off from gaming completely, then I miss out on the opportunity to learn to love these characters. I no longer want to play games just to zone out and ignore the world. I want to use games to transport myself to other worlds in the same way as I use my love for reading. An additional benefit of focusing on stories instead of gameplay is that RPGs are the type of game which has a beginning, middle, and end! A finite completion! FF6 is the only Final Fantasy I've ever completed, and I've 100%'ed the game probably 3 times already. When I think back on the time I spent doing that, I don't feel self loathing & regret like I do when I think about my time with League. Instead I feel a sense of amazement and awe. I remember the world, the characters, the setting, the plot, the villains, the monsters, and I love it all! So much so in fact, that the story I've been working on for the last 15 years pulls heavily from the game. I miss that feeling and experiencing something new like that. So overall, like I said, I'm going back to gaming after I graduate from college. This break that I've taken from it has been a wonderful experience and I'm really glad that I took the promise I made to myself seriously. 241 days of life! And man have I lived during this time! ? Moving forward, using the 4 principles I've listed above, I'll continue to live my life - but with the occasional game... like the occasional beer... and occasionally both at the same time. If you've got an opinion on anything I've said, I'd love to hear it. Ask me questions, refute my logic, come at me with emotions, let's interact. I'm willing to bet that conversation heals more people than most forms of medicine. @giblets man, I so owe you an email. If you're tenacious enough to read through all of this, I'm sure it will prompt you for many questions and moments of tough love for me. I welcome them all!
  14. It's 5:15 a.m. and it's already been a really cool day for me. I have an Excel document that I use to keep track of my degree and my graduation progress. I'm very close to graduating after 11 years of work! Tomorrow I will be in double digits for days away from graduation! This is also double digits away from my 241 days! This has been an awesome experience, giving myself that much time to just work on myself and the things I feel are valuable in my life. There have been times where I've been so close to breaking my streak. The only thing that stopped me was that I had a VERY clear goal for not gaming and I knew what my target was. Nowadays, I don't really crave it. I'm more interested in spending time with my family, working on my startup, rocking my school studies, or just reading! I've got a damn good life, and that value only diminishes with gaming.
  15. "Addiction takes hold in the absence of value or purpose as related to self worth." These words came to me from an old mentor of mine, and rocked my mind! It became so clear to me! After I accomplished something big last month, I let my production drop. My morale and self worth is directly tied to the results I'm getting and the production I'm creating. When my self worth dropped, it opened up holes inside of me. When those holes opened up, my urge to game came swooping back in like air entering a former vacuum. Wow wow wow! So huge for me! I hope that helps you in your quest as well! :D
  16. Today I woke up at 6:00. Feeling pretty good. I was on my phone, scrolling through Facebook for a few minutes (which is about all I spend each day). One thing caught my eye this morning. It was a post from one of my first mentors, regarding addiction. He shared something of his, then he shared what a colleague (Medical Doctor) had said about a patient. "Addiction takes hold in the absence of value or purpose as related to self worth." Holy shit... That's it! A few weeks ago in my capstone project, I had nothing but self worth! Now, about a month later since my school has gotten on break, I've been struggling with keeping myself off gaming much more! Not coincidentally, I haven't been producing very much that I consider significant. My production is directly tied to my self worth, and thus my self worth has been down. When my self worth fell, it opened up the holes inside of me and gaming urges came swooping back in! Damn... 15 words made me understand myself much much better! Day 92/241 of life! Day 127/277 of school! 45.8% complete! Day 4/90 of no-fap!
  17. Day 86/241 I've been accomplishing a lot in my life lately, and I've been experiencing a lot of success. Yesterday, however, I failed to win a financial award I was competing for. It would have bought my a booth a Comic Con for my new business, as well as business cards and such. I'll have another chance to do get that money next month, and I can go with other investors as well, so it's not a huge thing. Overall, I relied on inaccurate data, and I failed to engage my audience. That's my lesson learned for next time. While I can diagnose all this from an analytical standpoint, I am still emotional and frustrated by it. Today I've been in a bit of a slump. Add in the gaming itch I've been feeling creep on me lately (especially during my vacation I just went on!) and I'm having a hard time. I came really close to downloading a game and just blasting through my frustration. Then I came to work, and had some mechanical work where I could watch some Youtube and get good work done. Today I chose to watch a few of @Cam Adair's videos. I'm so glad I did! Those videos definitely helped me out, and reminded me of why I'm going through this process in the first place. It also reminded me of what my epiphany was last time I started my detox back up! "I could beat gaming, but the amount of time it would take isn't worth it because I can apply that time elsewhere." I'm still in pain, and my internal compass needs to be repaired a bit, but at least I'm using my stress to forge a new version of myself and move forward. I can do this.
  18. I'll post again later, but I realized something was wrong with my data. I am only 72 days into my 241 days. I am currently 109 days into my 277 tracker until the end of my schooling, and I got it wrong. So hold please on my 90 days celebration! Woops! But still good things are happening.
  19. Keep going brother. I can't impress to you how true this is: the you that you've always wanted to be? He's buried right under the muck that we call gaming. All you have to do is clear away a bit of the muck.
  20. Days of life: 97/241 34.9% Complete! (New Record!) Yesterday, I presented my capstone project. Capstone, for my school, is basically the make or break moment that determines if I graduate or not. IT COULD NOT HAVE GONE BETTER! I put in about 250 hours over the last 8.5 weeks and I know my subject material like the back of my hand. It went so well! My slides were great, my presentation was spot on, I breezed through the Q&A portion, and when I said "Thank you very much!" and the applause started, I teared up. I've had yesterday in my sights for 10 years now, and I finally got to my goal and I utterly crushed it! :D I'm very proud of myself and the things that I've accomplished along this journey. I officially graduate in August and I'm SO pumped to look someone in the eye and tell them, "Pay me $80-$100k, because I'm worth it." These results would not have been possible if I was gaming. I never have to negotiate my time like I used to "Can I get away with playing for 30 minutes? Oh I mean 2 hours? Oh I mean can I get away with running on 3 hours of sleep tonight? No sleep?!" The way I prioritize my time is now, "Ok I stop working when I get home for the day, I'll eat dinner with my girls, do playtime, read books for bed, hangout with my wife for a bit, then sleep. I'll get up early before my girls and get the day started off at 5 a.m." I feel fucking powerful. I want something, I put my mind to it, it happens. 100% guaranteed. Oh, I also broke 90 days for my second time, and I've already blasted past it by a week. So that's cool!
  21. Oh lol. Was it not in Journals? My bad Yes I am finding answers, and yes I'm doing the walk. What's pretty great is that I still play games and I love them. But I don't play video games anymore. I play games of marketing, research, business, technology, health, family, and entrepreneurship. I LOVE these games. They are so rewarding and fulfilling and I'm starting to make my dent in the cosmos. Video games are a microscopic scale for me now, while my business games are global. There's a big difference in scale and power Day 78/90, Day 78/241, or 28.1% complete!
  22. Hello everyone! (Day 75/241, 15 days from my second 90 day detox) Short post today. Things are still going very well with my thesis project. I'm spending a lot of time working on it, and the results are spectacular. I'm a little disorganized with it right now, but I'm going to blame that on Finals week last week. I was denied entry into a competition that I won last month because my application was basically sloppy, yet again due to finals week. That stung a bit, but ultimately I don't blame them for the decision. When I was working on the application, I found myself in an odd situation where a buddy was playing an arcade game right in front of me on a huge tv. I was shocked to see how distracting it was even though I have been rock solid in my conviction and actions to not game. I was able to pull my attention back to my work, but like I said, ultimately it was rejected. I can't help but think that my application reflected my distraction in that moment. Went to a career fair at a local university today. It really sunk in that I'll be graduated in six months and that I have legitimacy when I ask employers for interviews Love the people on these forums, keep fighting, keep strong. Your perfect answer will come to you eventually.
  23. Day 66/241! 23.7% of the way there! HELL YEAH! Monday night, I attended the finals event for a small entrepreneurship contest. I competed against 9 other startups for a bit of seed money to go towards my business I've been working on for 9 months. It was a fantastic night full of seriously amazing innovations, networking, and friend making. I received my request for $1,000 to put towards my project! This is going towards a domain name purchase, AWS servers, version control software for my team, a business license, and a few other things. What a cool freaking experience! I even got my picture with a 4 foot long check! Yesterday something very cool, yet troubling, happened to me. I was making plans with my buddy who I haven't hung out with for a while. I know he and I both have a day off the regular routine coming up this Tuesday. As we talked we mentioned gaming as a form of hanging out that we could do. It would be in person, side by side on the couch with lots of laughter, interaction, and food as per our usual routine. We were talking about playing Monster Hunter World, which we played the first beta together a couple of months ago. SERIOUSLY cool game, so I immediately fell back and gave myself an excuse of "I've been busting my ass for 5 weeks, I can get away with one day without any repercussions." Which I honestly thought was true, until I realized that the worst repercussion would be me breaking my word to myself. That's always been the worst part of my relationship with myself, is when I lie to me. That's my slippery slope and that's when I start to spiral. This was the troubling part. My buddy that I was talking to, is totally aware of my gaming condition. He's been one of my best friends for 10 years and he knows my struggle. He struggles a bit with it too, but his is not anywhere as near as severe as mine. As we talked, my buddy bailed me out of my own bad habit. At one point, we were both entertaining the idea of a game day (or half day) and it was fun to think about. Then at one point he said, "You know what? Going to see a movie sounds really fun. Let's do that." He and I have always had a bond over cinema as well. I responded to his comment with "Yeah it does, and I'll get in less trouble with my wife!" Then we got to talking about where I was at with games, and I let him know that I kept being an addict because of my belief that I could beat it, but I decided to let that all go because it's not worth the time investment to come out on top. We then decided for sure, never mind on the gaming day, we're going to a movie instead. Conclusion: I'm very grateful for a buddy who knew when change gears, switch topics, and come up with a better solution. I had a moment of weakness, among several weeks of kickassery, but he still bailed me out and assisted me in making a healthy choice. And I'm very grateful that I don't have to reset my daily count. Sheesh! I just realized I'm only 24 days away from my second 90 day streak!
  24. Hello again everyone! When someone disappears from the forums for a while, it's fairly indicative of a relapse. I'm happy to announce that is NOT the case for me. I've been busy out of mind lately, which has left me little time to chat with friends and on forums. I'm well into my capstone project, and it's going swimmingly. I've put some great progress behind me and I'm really looking forward to what I've got coming up! I also got a part time job as a data storage administrator at a technology/health company! This has been really cool because I'm working on IT stuff which is NOT what I went to school for, but I'm learning a lot about something that's out of my comfort zone. Additionally I can directly apply this current knowledge to my future employees who work on the IT side of my tech business. I've also been attending normal classes in addition to my capstone (which is a 20-40 hour/week project!), and I spend time with my family every night, and I dance on Friday nights. Every Thursday I schedule myself 17 seconds to breath and that oxygen lasts me for the rest of the week! JK, but I am probably busier than I ever have been in my life. The best part of this, is that I barely crave games ever. The first time I have in a couple of weeks when I realized I was ahead of schedule and I could relax a little. I chose to cook some food, see a musical, and spend some extra time with my wife. Which was amazing! If I could provide one piece of feedback for everyone here who's struggling: find something productive that you LOVE doing. Then make a plan for where you want it to go in the future, and what work you will need to do to get there, then do it! Track your progress and you'll see yourself, not just a character, level up constantly. For me, it's this capstone project, which will eventually become my own technology business, and my self-created dream job. Eventually I started to crave the chance to work on this project instead of gaming. I still have those moments when my little black imp whispers in my ear "You could game, it won't hurt anything." To which I respond, "Yeah I could, and I would be fine. But I would rather WORK!" and he dissolves into smoke and drifts away. In many videos @Cam Adair mentions finding something to replace gaming. This program hasn't stuck with my quite like now until I really took heed of what he was saying there. I am stronger and more confident than I have ever been in my life, because I can tell anyone that I'm building my own business before I'm 30, and I LOVE the work. Well, that's it for my rant today. Let me know what you think, I'm happy to talk to anyone regarding how to make this happen! I love this community! ... oh and it's 56/241 days of life right now. Holy crap! That climbed fast!
  25. Hahaha. Aint that the truth? It's losing its vice grip slowly though.
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