Jump to content
Mettermrck

Bob's Journey

Recommended Posts

Wow thanks Hassan. I love getting such an in-depth response. My biggest fears now are lack of money and being alone. For lack of money, it's temporary. I blew so much money for so many years so that when I chose to start this journey, I was flat broke. I spent it all on eating out and video games. I'm slowly rebuilding my savings but in the meantime, I'm nervous about unexpected expenses and a lack of a safety net (family to help in an emergency as my Mom's broke too). At least these changes mean I am saving WAY better than I used to. Just a matter of being patient with the money.

     The other fear is being alone. I was surrounded by my wife and her loving family. I didn't really have friends of my own after we moved here and when my struggles became worse, I didn't try to. Even my church world is her faith, which I converted into and don't know if I belong there or not. 

     Getting rid of games and fast food really revealed these deep fears. I don't like the fear, but I'm happy that I can now take steps to deal with them rather than hiding them through addictions.

     Honestly I'll be relieved when the 2 months to our separation year is over and we figure our marriage out. If we divorce, I will move forward in my life, maybe look for a new church (not sure yet). If we stay together, I can put the old life back together but without gaming and fast food. It's just an anxious transition time for me.

     Thanks again for your response, Hassan. It means a lot not to be alone.

    Forgot to add, the reason I'm skittish about the AA type groups is they can tend to be....hmm, too spiritual? I really went into a dark place recently with religion, partly caused by my own addiction struggles, involving the theology, arguments, apologetics, etc. Not me personally but I read and listened to a lot of stuff by angry and righteous people and as someone with depression, it makes you feel like you're not doing things right. I really love going to church, at least to a liturgical service with lots of historical ritual. But I am scared of talking to religious people for fear of running into a zealot. Sigh. That's my own hangup. So I'm afraid of spiritual support groups.

Edited by Mettermrck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 9/90. I keep chugging through the no soda, gaming, and porn. Can't get cocky and complacent, but I still feel very committed to the long haul. The only weaknesses I see are struggling to stay at work. It's a data entry job, one I'd like to move ahead past eventually, but for now I can bring my headphones and listen to podcasts. It gets dull but at least it's a decent job and I'm not at home playing video games. The other weakness is fapping. I slipped once yesterday and I think it's because I'm not so adamantly against it like porn. But I think I need to to detox and reset my libido. I might check out the nofap reddit a little bit.

      My worry and anxiety are less. The issues are still there but I think I've talked through and processed these emotions and there's nothing more I can add. Plus I'm nice and tired at night and sleep well now.

      Went to church last night. Mixed feelings. I love the service but do I belong here? I guess I'll know more when I see what happens with my marriage. She did call me last night to vent about work. I was nice and gave good advice I thought. Maybe it's a good sign or maybe we'll still be friends who knows.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 10/90. I can't remember if I made it this far the first 3-4 times. I'm getting close to uncharted territory here. Just keep going, Bob! Also day 15 for soda and porn. So far so good. I read some nofap last night and decided that that needs to be a part of this process. Long term, I don't intend to freak out if I fap but I need to reset my libido especially with all the other dopamine brain chemistry resets going on. I need to change across the board. 90 days is good. Right now my fap fantasies are based off the fumes of gaming and porn experiences. Yes, yes I know....real sad.

      I've come to the conclusion that I'm very indecisive. I read somewhere that this comes.with depression. Well, then that's me. I've been veering back and forth on finding purpose and also my church. For purpose, I know my passion is history. I breathe it. I just don't know how I want to express it. Could be finishing school, could be starting a podcast. I think I've been rushing myself. I watched Cam's video yesterday on finding your purpose and he said you don't pick a purpose and then stick with it for the rest of your life. Things evolve and adapt. You need a vision for yourself. At the top of my vision is my health. Thin, active, in shape, self confident. I am working on it. I am exercising, I don't eat fast food anymore, and I eat less. I have to throw out a big pair of pants today!

     History is important. But I don't think I'm ready to decide what I want to do with it. In the meantime, I can nurture my love by reading and listening to podcasts. As my health improves, I will flesh out my passion for history.

      As for church, I'm seriously considering going back to my own church that I've gone to off and on on my own. My wife's church is real nice but it's partly her world and I get nervous about some of its teachings. I'm not myself there, I'm her husband. I want to be married to her, but as myself, not an extension of her family. I can't sacrifice my identity. It's scary because I feel like I'm starting to let go of the marriage. But maybe I'm just being healthy here. I'm forging my own identity here. Maybe someday that'll bring the marriage back maybe it won't.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 11/90. Also 16/16/2 soda/porn/fap. I am surviving. I am seeing differences with how my clothes feel and fit so that gives me some comfort for weight loss. But still battling light headedness and also had a bout of loneliness last night. If I could make any adjustments right now it would taking a little more pride at my job. And also have a little more money in savings to protect my mom and I. I either feel tired from the calories drop, lonely because I don't have my gaming crutch, or worried because we don't have a lot of money because we spent it all on eating out. It takes time to repair the damage and that goes for everything: my bank account, my body, my social life. I just gotta be patient and resist the urges to fall back into my old habits.

      What do I have control over? My attitude, how I perform at work, what I stay away from, my exercise, and my social calendar. I think the latter will be most important in the weeks ahead. My weight loss is so important to me. I cannot let anxiety and loneliness sabotage that.

Edited by Mettermrck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Bob! I'm pretty impressed that you've made it to 11/16/16/2. That's awesome! Battling four different addictions simultaneously sounds like it takes incredible willpower. That's a damn achievement everyday in my book.

While I am just a dumb kid who isn't been married and doesn't go to church, I got to say it sounds like you've presented yourself a great opportunity for some high quality you time. From what I've heard, part of maintaining a good relationship (with anyone, I suppose) is independence. Having some time where you create a podcast, write a novel, read, hang out with your own friends, workout, meditate/pray, and/or even go to your church will probably make you more fulfilled and allow you bring an even better side of yourself to the relationship. To me, it sounds like your perspective is different from this, but perhaps I'm wrong.

Anyways, keep up the great work!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, DeepSpace and thanks! Yeah I feel like I'm in a slow death on the marriage. I see two roads. If I can save the marriage, then I would slip back into my old life and make it better, especially without these addictions. And if the marriage fails, I will take it as a sign that it's time to move on. I'd probably consider my own church, etc. I still want to work on a project, either a book or podcast, no matter what happens to my marriage.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 12/90. Also 17/17/3 soda/porn/fap. Another bittersweet day yesterday. From a rational perspective, it was great. I went to church for a morning service and that was peaceful and then I ran errands. My wife invited me over to their family house to swim and I did. I enjoyed being around her family. I'm ashamed of how I've been these last years but it was nice to be welcomed.

     Then my wife had to run errands and she invited me along. We shopped, got our fathers day gifts, and went from store to store almost like old times. She did drop the friend bomb once, but I let it pass. "It's nice that we can do this...as friends". I didn't contest the point as my words mean nothing after the dumb things I've done. All I can do is act and improve and hope that's enough.

      I had a good day but was sad again at night. I called an old friend, my best man at my wedding from 8 yrs ago actually. We talked for an hour and it was a great talk. I needed it so badly. I haven't laughed like that in so long. He told me to remember a lot of these emotions I'm experiencing are chemicals. He said I sounded positive and with a good head on my shoulders.

     I still shed tears almost daily but I know it's withdrawal symptoms and also I'm processing emotions I hid for a while.

      Ending on a high note. I lost 3.2 lbs last week and am down to 308! A long way to go to my goals (200) but I'm glad the sweating and the light-headedness are paying off haha.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 13/90. Also 18/18/1 soda porn fap. Yeah I relapsed on the fapping but I'm not beating myself up over it. I was just sitting there reading and it just hit me. I made sure to put my phone away so it wouldn't lead to porn. I'm not devastated, just disappointed. I want to reset my libido.

    I kept myself busy yesterday. Went to church and ending up sitting behind.my father in law. It was awkward but at least I went. I'm sort of "letting it be" on the church front. I did a lot of reading, listening to podcasts, and watching Game Quitters youtube videos. That helped. I wanted to go to the beach but parking was ridiculous (June in Myrtle Beach forget it). I ended up going to our church chapel and just sat quietly for about 45 mins. It's extremely quiet, air conditioned, and got me out of the house.

     I had a good talk with my Dad for Father's Day. That was nice. I'm.planning to drive down and visit him in a couple weeks. That'll be nice. Since I've started this process of quitting addictions, I don't feel the self-conscious guilt I've always felt with my Dad. I know I have a long road ahead but I'm proud of myself for getting moving.

     Not too much anxiety. Some tough moments in church which is just sadness about the divorce and hating to feel like an outsider with my wife's family. I had some crying later on which I think is the usual fear of being broke and lonely. Talking to my family helps mitigate that. I'm getting there!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Howdy Bob! I can empathize with breaking the no fap. When I started my 90 day detox, I also wanted to quit porn (but I was okay with the fap part). Even though I relapsed, I think it's made me a lot more self-aware of my relationship with porn. Even if you're disappointed you relapsed, it's also a good opportunity to bring extra awareness and learning about your behavior. Also, props to 18 days of no porn. You've managed to stay away from the most damaging part of the porn-fap dynamic.

I'm glad you got to have a productive day, besides the awkward and sad feelings. Though, I don't want to discredit them, they're an essential part of the process. Keep it up man!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks, Deep Space. I love the encouragement. Yeah I'm not as broken up about fapping as I would be if, say, I looked at porn. It's more that I want to reset my libido and take more pride in myself. I don't want to take it casually but I don't want to dread it either if you know what I mean.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 14/90. Also 19/19/1. Almost two weeks without gaming yeah! It feels like an eternity and days just crawl by but that's just from being impatient with wanting to lose weight and being bored. I have to remind myself that any day without the "big three" (gaming, soda/fast food, and porn) is huge. Things are happening. I'm sad anxious and lonely sometimes because my brain is going crazy and changing. Just have to stick it out. Lile Cam said in a YouTube video yesterday: "my life is f'ed up!. . . face it". Without gaming, I face it.

      Tried a walmart sparkling water the other day. Whoa too close to a soda and dangerous, fizz and everything. Nope can't do it. 

     I will try a little project work this weekend. Need a creative outlet.

    My friend said I should consider getting to a gym and getting to know people. My work has a gym. I will contact the gym people and see what I can do.

     About fapping. I think it happens when my brain won't shut up and I want to clear my head. From the moment I wake up my brain turns on with constant thinking even about stuff I can't do anything.to.change. i need to find healthier ways to clear my head. Usually I can walk but it was a monsoon this morning haha. I did do my pushups and situps but otherwise I laid back in bed and that's when the fapping came.

     Maybe meditation? I need to find some relaxing meditation. I used to do some religious meditation but it brings back bad.memories of religious arguments sometimes. I thought about Headspace but not.sure.if I want to fork out the money.

    Any free or cheaper alternatives?

Edited by Mettermrck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Bob, good work with staying away from your big three! Yikes, sorry to hear the sparkling water was no good. I'm glad you didn't give into your soda temptation.

If you want a good alternate drink, I would suggest tea. There was a point in my life (when I was but a wee lad) where I had soda on a somewhat consistent basis. Enough that I became used to crazy amounts of sugar. Eventually the soda option disappeared (my mom stopped buying it) and we both switched to drinking tea. I noticed that as a I drank more tea, I gradually started adding less and less sugar. After a month or so, I had stopped adding any at all. The drink transitioned from being tasty because of the sugar to a subtle minty(?) kind of a flavor. When I went back to soda a couple of times, I found it gross because of how sweet it was. Some of the flavors that start to appear when you're used to the sugar weren't there. If you've ever had over sweetened tea, that was sort of how overwhelming it felt. I'd buy a generic green tea and add just enough sugar (cane sugar) so that it's tolerable (it'll probably be a bit bitter until you're used to it). You'll naturally use less and less sugar as you get used to the flavor.

I'm not super experienced in the world of meditation (haven't formally learned it). I usually meditate in shower, if you can call it that. I know meditation is about emptying your mind, but when I began, I usually just focused on a single train of thought. I would think about a story I was writing, review the character relationships and come up with bizarre, yet natural, connections. I think you can also focus on breathing though I found that difficult to do with a racing mind. At some point, it'll be easy to get in that focused mind set. Once you're focused, you'd don't have to think about anything. Be aware of your body and your train of thought. If you ever reach a point where you wonder, "Wait, how the heck did I start thinking about this?" retrace your thought train. I think you can call simple little exercises like that meditation. It takes practice and time. A bath might be a good place to start. Or somewhere you can easily relax that is in a different environment from your house. You can meditate on your bed, but if you're anything like me, you probably a phone nearby, or a laptop with stuff to read/listen to. You can't really meditate with those or in an environment where you usually use those.

Good luck joining a gym and finding a creative outlet. Doing both those things sound like great ways to improve your lifestyle! They definitely fill in the space of being bored. (Also, sorry for the two blocks of text.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

     Hey, DeepSpace. I never really tried tea. For the most part, I drink a lot of ice water along with some milk and occasionally some crystal light iced tea. I don't feel that deprived. That comes mainly from eating a lot less than I used to.

      I do need to work on the meditation or something. I feel like I'm getting bombarded regularly by anxiety boredom and loneliness. Anxiety comes from not having enough money and fearing the future. Boredom comes from not feeling challenged at my job and also finding things to do at home. And the loneliness comes from being isolated, losing my marriage and not having a lot of friends around me.

Edited by Mettermrck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Bob! 

I've been doing some catching up with your journal and I'm up to date now. What you're doing is amazing, man. And I can speak with full knowledge, because I'm quitting porn and Youtube at the same time and it's being Hell. Anxiety, loneliness, nightmares, crying, body shakes, exhaustion... the full pack, as you also describe in your experience. If this was learning to use a bicycle, you went full mountain biking, and I can only deeply admire and respect you for your efforts. Not many do as you do, leaving the forums and keep returning, keep trying, keep fighting, and with all the changes that are happening around you, inside and outside. And winning, because you can't slack off now, but also acknowledge, you are winning, day at a time. Currently, it's 2/4/0 in my Porn/YT/Fap counter, and I'm already struggling and not seeing the end of this. I can only hope (and wish) to reach your time as strong as you. You're an example, friend.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good to see you again, Hitaru! I've missed your encouragement. Yes, you've seen me at some of my weakest moments when I wasn't really ready to quit. Now I am. I tell myself that no matters what happens in my personal life, I won't have these addictions with my.anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 15/90. Two weeks officially yeah! Also 20/20/1 soda porn fap. I can't believe it's only been two weeks off the gaming. Time is crawling but that's because it's a hard battle and I haven't found new activities that motivate me like gaming did. I'm working on it.

Still trying to lock down the fapping. Saw a great mantra on the nofap reddit: "mother daughter sister wife". That really helps me think twice but it's a battle.

I found out my employer has a gym, a small one but with modern weights and treadmills etc. If I go 10 times a pay period, it's free! I'm signing up today and I should get access just after the next payday in a couple weeks. I'd like to do some strength training and build some muscle. Nothing serious but some definition would be nice. And it gives me a place to go every day and be around people. It's a 24/7 gym!

I got the Stop Breathe Think app on my phone for meditation. I tried it at lunch time and it helped clear my anxiety. I should have used it last night. I know this is weird but most nights I start off sleeping on the couch because my Mom's in the same room. If I start off sleeping myself in the bedroom I get hammered by anxiety and loneliness. Usually I sleep on the couch for an hour or so and then I get up groggy and go to bed and sleep fine. But once I wake up, my brain goes crazy. I need to meditate more. I also tried some gratitude this morning and that helped a little.

Edited by Mettermrck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Howdy Bob! You said you haven't found a new activity that motivates you like gaming did. It sounds to me like you're desiring something that's challenging in your life. That's where I think your gym membership is going to come into play. From my experience, going to the gym is more of something that fills the measurable growth category that games used to fill. However, if you have a goal like, "I want to climb this rock wall," or "I want to swim 10 laps without taking a break," I think that could provide the manageable challenge that it sounds like you want.

Also, it sounds like you're handling you're anxiety pretty well. It's not a perfect scenario and I'm sure there could be a way to channel that energy into something constructive. However, you're not channeling it into something destructive, like your big three. Let me know how you like meditation! I think that's a great and constructive way to handle it. I've never used an app for that before, so I'm most curious about that aspect of it. Keep it up!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks, Deep Space. Yes I'm looking forward to the gym. It'll help check the active and social categories for my gaming replacement activities, my two hardest ones.

Yeah that anxiety and loneliness is a killer. Meditation is helping and the exercise. If I don't do these things, boy do I feel the difference.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 16/90. Also 21/21/2 soda porn fap. I can tell the difference if I don't get my walk in and meditate. Walking acts like a burn off valve for the anxiety and just wears me out. Meditation is like a shutoff valve and cuts off the flow of anxiety at its source. Both are really effective and I have to keep going.

    I'm officially signed up for the gym! I'm going to the store this weekend to get some gym clothes, just some shorts and a t-shirt but I'll be ready to go. Might be next week or the week after when I get access. I'm psyched because this will give me an active and social replacement activity for gaming, easily my trouble spots. And it'll help give me something to do on the weekends.

  I noticed yesterday and today that I didn't want to listen to podcasts as much. I've gotten the sense that I'm overdoing them. History podcasts are informative but I have like 50 of them, some great some mediocre. I'm OCD about them and I hate it when I have 3-4 hrs.of new episodes I have to listen to each day. So yesterday I just deleted about a third of them and kept the better ones. And I spent most of the day at work without headphones. I felt more connected to the world around me, like I wasn't cut off from people or tuning the world out. It's an interesting change for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 17/90. Also 22/22/3 soda porn fap. I'm surviving but it was a rough night. My sleep schedule is weird now. I typically fall asleep around 9:30-10 and I sleep on the couch in the living room where my Mom is. If I tried the bedroom, I'd get hit by anxiety, loneliness, or racing thoughts. I usually wake up somewhere between 11pm-1:30am, stagger into the bedroom and sleep for a few more hours since I'm nice and tired.

   Last night didn't work out. I slept on the couch until 1:30am but when I went to bed, I just couldn't get back to sleep. I tossed and turned all night long. I even went back to the couch but that didn't help. So about 4 hours of real sleep sigh.

    I think part of it is the fapping. I'm back to day 3 without it and this was my last real source of dopamine hits. I think some of those withdrawal symptoms are coming back since I've closed that part off. I can't go back because I do not want to go through this again. I do not want to sleep on the couch forever.

      In brighter news I dled the Duolingo app and was studying a little German last night. That was fun. I took years of it in college. There's a couple of native German speakers at work that I was talking to yesterday and trying to remember some of my old phrases. You talk to people more without headphones I notice.

    I got more compliments from my boss and a coworker on how slimmer I looked. That makes it all worth it right there. All the anxiety I'm experiencing is worth it if I transform myself

 

Edited by Mettermrck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 17/90. Also 22/22/3 soda porn fap. I'm surviving but it was a rough night. My sleep schedule is weird now. I typically fall asleep around 9:30-10 and I sleep on the couch in the living room where my Mom is. If I tried the bedroom, I'd get hit by anxiety, loneliness, or racing thoughts. I usually wake up somewhere between 11pm-1:30am, stagger into the bedroom and sleep for a few more hours since I'm nice and tired.

   Last night didn't work out. I slept on the couch until 1:30am but when I went to bed, I just couldn't get back to sleep. I tossed and turned all night long. I even went back to the couch but that didn't help. So about 4 hours of real sleep sigh.

    I think part of it is the fapping. I'm back to day 3 without it and this was my last real source of dopamine hits. I think some of those withdrawal symptoms are coming back since I've closed that part off. I can't go back because I do not want to go through this again. I do not want to sleep on the couch forever.

      In brighter news I dled the Duolingo app and was studying a little German last night. That was fun. I took years of it in college. There's a couple of native German speakers at work that I was talking to yesterday and trying to remember some of my old phrases. You talk to people more without headphones I notice.

    I got more compliments from my boss and a coworker on how slimmer I looked. That makes it all worth it right there. All the anxiety I'm experiencing is worth it if I transform myself

 

Good to read your journal of 17th!

I sometimes have insomnia and I don't know what to do when it comes. I can't sleep either when I have a lot of anxiety. In that case, I try something really consumes my energy from my brain. For example, I read a long, and complex articles that I'm not interested in. It helped me to fall asleep. Another way to sleep is having some achievements during daytime. It makes me so happy and look forward to seeing the next day. Making achievements during daytime is not always successful, but it works for me to fall asleep.

I hope you could develop your own way to have a good night sleep. Perhaps if you learn German more deeply and thouroughly, it could help... I guess... You will find the answer soon unless you give up.

It's very encouraging to hear that you're changing in a good way. Keep it up!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks, Tom2. I think it's just withdrawal symptoms that cause this sleeplessness. Without any illusions from gaming eating and porn, I'm confronted by naked reality. And it can be terrifying, seeing the depths of where you've fallen. After a while it gets easier. But by fapping every few days, I think I'm preventing myself from getting past the full dopamine withdrawal. Just need to do it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm officially signed up for the gym! I'm going to the store this weekend to get some gym clothes, just some shorts and a t-shirt but I'll be ready to go. Might be next week or the week after when I get access. I'm psyched because this will give me an active and social replacement activity for gaming, easily my trouble spots. And it'll help give me something to do on the weekends.

I did too, but still haven't gone. Makes me feel really anxious and observed, like I was an outsider or unwelcome. What days of the week have you planned to go? Want to set up some kind of accountability partnership?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually I'm planning to go after work and on the weekends since I live close to work anyhow. I'll just rotate. Some friends advised me to do upper body 2x week, legs 2x week, cardio and also rest days. I'm a complete noob for the gym so I plan to ask the people there for help too. I plan to start small, probably 1/2 hr at a time but I'll work my way up. Sure I'd be glad to be a gym partner.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 18/90. Also 23/23/4 soda porn fap. Yesterday wasn't too bad. I was contacted by the gym and will go there next week for an orientation, preferably early in the week so I can get started. I bought a bum pair of gym shorts and a tshirt yesterday. Nothing fancy, but it felt great doing something tangible. 

      I've been asking people's advice about gym sessions. It seems to be centered around upper body/pushups 2x week, legs/abs 2x week, and the rest cardio and rest. I'm a complete gym noob so I'll ask more advice at orientation. I can't wait.

    I slept great last night. My dog was over for the weekend (usually stays with my wife) and I decided to try to sleep in bed. I stayed up later and took a couple melatonin and surprisingly I slept all the way through. I.don't know if it was because I slept poorly the night before or the melatonin, but I'm not complaining. Could also be I'm at nofap day 4 and pushing through that withdrawal.

       I watched one of Cam's videos yesterday on gaming after detox. Even though I'm only 1/5 of the way through, I really don't think I'm going back. If I had kept gaming, I would've never realized how socially isolated I was nor taken steps to change that. I wouldn't be working on myself so much, finding different activities, looking to better myself. I don't want to put that at risk when my 90 days is up. Gaming was a mask that I don't want to put back on.

    Btw Duolingo German is fun!. Ja

Edited by Mettermrck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...