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About tirEdOrange

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  1. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    I didn't binged on food since I am structuring my eating habits new and all that's left is healthy stuff at home I was just unproductive during the day, no sports, no study, no reading, no instruments-practice. Just me, the Tv and YouTube^^
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  2. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    Almost a week passed again since my last entry, wow!
    I'm doing good and I feel fine. I was triggered once during the last couple of days because I got news about new changes of my old nemesis but I managed to get over that and the next day without any gaming and then the urges were gone, even though they had been insanely strong. I binged a lot during these days but I'll take the binge instead of a relapse any day.
    My day is getting more and more a routine. I have little to no problems with waking up early by now, which is amazing. There hasn't been a single day during the last week where I went to bed past 11:30 pm, giving me the opportunity to start the day as early as I want while having enough sleep, which is a vital keypart for me.
    Even though my pace is still quiet sloppy, in terms of study and generally during the last couple days, I'm still happy and proud about the changes and that the direction it takes is the right one.
    One thing that bugs me though is that I have mood swings while being with my partner. Sometimes they just come out of nowhere but I understand where they come from. Even though we had some good talks during the last days, some things still remain unsolved and that bothers me and changes my mood. Those matters need to be resolved.
    For some reason my brain is totally off right now Combine that with not speaking/writing english for a week and you get problems writing a decent entry
    Anyway, let's focus:
    I'm reviewing my changes with a happy face but I also need to look into the future and make plans. Today is the usual day where I take care of the household and prepare my meals. This stands on the plan for today. Since this won't fill out the whole day I'm going to add some reading and playing the instruments as well. Or Fitness. Actually I would need to do a workout today to stay in schedule. I have effectively 12 hours left to do all these things until I should prepare for sleeping, sounds doable.
    For the next days I wanna focus on Discipline. And for that I have in mind to design my days like this:
    - Treat your studies like a job, invest ca. 8 hours per day for them! 
    ~~> Wake up at 5:30 and start studying at 6:00. I will have a free day then from 14:00 for other things.
    - Make a rough schedule for the time that you have left after 14:00
    ~~> Implement sports and hobbies into this time.
    - Consider your worktime into your weekly routine
    ~~> Weekend evenings will be there to earn money.
    - Synchronize schedule with your partner
    ~~> But don't just simply adapt to hers. It goes both ways and she needs to respect that. Having flexibility doesn't mean that your time isn't worth adapting for.
    [[- and Dude, don't overdo it
    ~~> Yeah you're right... I will take monday as a rest day from everything and then review my week.]]
    I feel like this could lead to a burnout and therefore to a dangerous situation but then again... having a completly free day from 14:00 on sounds like holiday on every day(except on weekends because I have to work on weekends) and motivates me a lot. Add then some sports and hobbies into this free time and just imagine the outcome in a couple of weeks. That is a lifestyle that I could be proud of.
    I feel good and motivated!
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  3. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Bob's Journey   

    I can totally relate to this. I'm not having huge problems with weight but not a single trousers of mine fits me anymore. I started to do sports now a couple of weeks ago and I only gained pounds until last week but I am way fitter and also look this way. The difference will come faster after the start don't worry Don't listen to these stupid feelings, they have no idea what is about to happen to them hehe.
    Keep it up man! Reading through your journal is a really motivating thing to do, thanks for being persistent.
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  4. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    Time to check in.
    My last days haven't been very productive as expected but it was fine, I had some nice time with family and friends and my relationship is in a good state now after 2 big talks. I actually felt like going to the gym later on because I am so ambitious about my bodychanges but I have to focus more on studying, so today I will skip the cardio and instead learn. I already hit the gym yesterday with some lifting, so a break is fine anyway.
    I was confronted yesterday with some "new cool changes" from the game that I was addicted to the most and as expected I had huuuuuuge urges to play during the last 24 hours. Like really huge, my mind was already trying to convince me that I could just go for a few rounds to check it out and just play some for the nostalgia and so on. But I just said no to myself.
    Even though I didn't do anything productive and just binged through the day until now, I still didn't played and that's what counts. There is no little bit and I had a good rational view about it:
    Why should I play it if I'm not aiming to use any of these "new cool changes", which means if I will play for a bit then the reason behind it would be to prepare for further game sessions and I don't want these to happen. It's amazing how different my view has changed during the last couple of weeks.
    Anyway, I still need to get into a routine where I can be productive during the day and I'm beginning now with it. I will take more time for me during the next weeks and neglect any meetings in order to get more into the routine. There are always things interfering with it, so I don't have the chance to get used to it and anytime I'm back in my normal day pattern, it feels hard to get back into the productive routine.
    Anyway, going to study and play some instruments before working.
    I'm proud of making the decision to stay sober and aiming for the changes.
    I feel very good about my relationship changes and my ambition.
    Oh I should mention that I found a new "friend". I downloaded some motivational speeches that I'm listening to during some parts of my workout. I split the workout into a part where I have time to focus on myself and a part where I go for some cardio and while I do cardio I'm always listening to these speeches and the effects are insane. Honestly, this ritual is one of the most important things to me that let me grow my mind at the moment.
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  5. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Bob's Journey   

    Hehe it all depends. In my gym it isn't allowed to show off too much. Most of the times I'm also training with sweatpants and a longer T-Shirt, except on hot days.
    While I think that the idea from DeepSpaceAl is good, I would consider to wait a little bit and train for a while on your own to make this routine yours before sharing it. I'm just saying this because it would be sad to lose motivation for a healthy and good routine because someone could react inapproriate or say something stupid or whatever. Happens to me way too often every time I try something but well everyone is different
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  6. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    I am trying to make a routinated day, but some circumstances are always interfering.
    And that's how it will be during the next 4 days as well which is a good opportunity to be spontaneous and adapt to situations.
    I need to get things done during days like days even though I won't be in my routine, which is kind of hard for me. Well I will try my best.
    I'm happy that gaming isn't any urge anymore to me. But I still know that it's nothing to feel safe about, a relapse always lurks for when you have a weak time.
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  7. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Bob's Journey   

    It's nice to read that you pick up the sport at the gym! In the end it's always simple math: Burn more than you eat and just be patient. In my opinion the motivation is the hardest part, seems like you already mastered this step, you're doing great work. Keep it up!
    I can correspond with your feelings about having an unsure future. I experience this as well right now and I just try to do my best. Right now it's all about saving the situation but I hope that I can grow stronger with the actions that I take and maybe even grow so far that I do this all for myself instead of the situation. That's all that I can say about it, never experienced this situation before.
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  8. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    Thanks for the support you two, I appreciate it
    Today I wasn't able to make a clean workout. I couldn't turn off my emotions and thoughts during the training so it resulted in a very sloppy result and even skipping some parts. I can tell that a personal conflict is slowly tearing me apart... but to be honest, there are 2 different ways how I can look at it.
    On the one hand, yes it's sad that a personal conflict follows me all day and influences my results... but then there is the other side of it.
    Things will come out the way that they have to. There is no reason to worry about anything. Just proceed with my goals and my work. Wake up early, Study a lot, train hard, eat good.... live a life that I can be proud of.
    I am working more than usual during the next days in order to distract myself from the conflict but I think that I need to do more than that. I will try to redirect the energy of it and make it useful for myself.
    I mean in the end it won't matter how much thought and negative energy I put into it, how much it drained from me and how much I "tried". I will simply stay positive towards the conflict and be sincere with myself, the rest will depend on the other part. That is really all about it: Be sincere to myself and be open for a solution and if the other part doesn't want to work on a solution with me, then I will need to work on a solution without the other part.
    It's better to have a scary end than an endless scare.
    I will need to remind myself of these sentences during the next days. I feel good right now and in a situation where I can think clearly about the situation; I need to remind myself of my real vision of the situation everytime my mind is clouded.
    I feel scared but I wanna move on.
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  9. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    Yeah, losing weight is actually that simple. Burn more calories than you eat and do that for a certain period of time. The real challenge is staying motivated throughout this path so you don't break the cycle and lose your patience
    Not eating any carbs isn't that hard, there are a lot of delicious dishes that you still can do. Before I tried living with no carbs for a while I also thought that I could never do that. I'm not going for the low-carb diet anymore though.
    Last 2 days had been filled with a lot of procrastination but I will get myself on track again today. I'm currently in a grey zone with a lot of things but I really, really, really like the way how this all goes. After just a week of training I can see first results and I am having good results in terms of studying and overall mental health.
    I decided to fast for a day, so my body can get to some fat storages. I will probably do this again every now and then on "super-rest-days", days where I will take some time off and not learn nor train and just enjoy some time with movies and other things.
    I feel like the last weeks has given me a quick start to a platform from which I can now judge my situation better and I gotta say that the air smells better up here. It's filled with faith, dreams and hopes and that makes all the difference.
    I feel good about the fact that I decided to quit procrastinating all by myself because I had the urge to be productive.
    I feel good and little bit more like a different person, which I approve a lot.
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  10. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

     Yeah, I feel like a war against myself is the best description for how I feel about the situation. There is also a nice anecdote about this that helped me. I will probably come to it during the next days
    Got stressed out today and went to the gym, even though I felt like resting. Didn't achieve anything, had to abort the training and felt a little defeated but I do realize now that this was an impulsive reaction. I should had listened to myself and instead rest today, dealing with my stress in another way (I felt like playing some instruments and I should had done it).
    Anyway, there is no need to feel bad about this, I just shouldn't overdo the sports. I'm not in shape to endure that much sport.
    I'm thinking about not taking any carbs during the next 2 days where I will need to rest and I think that it would be a good way to cut down on some fats.
    At least I tried to cope differently with my stress and overdid it in the gym instead of gaming. My first impulse when being stressed was to go to the gym and not to game, that's huge. I'm proud of my achievements so far and want to keep going.
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  11. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    I don't know what to write about except for my achievements during the last days:
    I woke up early and studied for some hours, then went to sports. During the day I then prepared myself for the upcoming days and started to read some books. In the evening another sport unit.
    Yesterday I was able to run a huge amount. It was a real fight against myself because my mind was struggling already after 1/3 but I made it until the end. It wasn't my body that was failing, it was just my mind because I even worked for 5 hours straight afterwards. I destroyed my old mindset yesterday and I will keep doing it.
    I rather am a soldier in the war against myself than being the victim of my depression.
    I have no urges to play at all but I feel unbalanced because of some personal conflicts with others. I begin to believe that these conflicts somehow gave me the drive to start being this focused on my goals...
    I feel great today.
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  12. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    I think in order to beat loneliness you have to seem like you are in peace with yourself. I had the loneliest childhood ever where all I did was sporting and learning but I never felt lonely, I felt like I had a purpose and the funniest thing about it was that people complained about me never having time and that made them want to be around me even more. I believe that you attract certain things as soon as you find a purpose for yourself.
    So, I forced some talks with certain persons and I begin to understand the situation that I'm in.
    If I would go for the emotional side then I would say that I'm really hurt. Their vision of me is rather that I'm a loser and that my time is worthless so I should rather spend my time supporting them instead of investing my time in any way into myself. I've tried a lot of things during the last couple of weeks but failed since I couldn't find my way yet but knowing now that this is how people view me, I fall back into my self destructive pattern. And I don't mean self destructive like in hurting myself with anything, it's more like pushing myself so much into every direction so I get out of my comfort zone, no matter what.
    Now this sounds like a good thing and it is but I've been there before. What lies ahead at the end of this path is success but also loneliness and depression. The thought pattern behind it is somehow like this: <<If my life is worthless anyway, then I can at least not bother anyone and force myself to do things no matter my feelings about it>>.
    It means, going for a jog no matter if my muscles ache. Go ahead and study, no matter how much I want to actually procrastinate or enjoy my time somehow. Eating anything that's not healthy? why? It's not like I deserve it anyway and food will start to taste better as soon as I quit all these addictive sugar bombs. If no one bothers about me because my personality doesn't work, then I might as well just bomb my old personality and kill it off until I'm somewhere else.
    It's a fight with myself and the only thing that will accompany me are my dreams and hopes. There will be a lot of tears and emotions....
    The good thing about it is that I've been there before and I know what lies in the end. This time I can prepare myself.
    It's just sad that in order to be in peace with everyone else, I need to be in war with myself. I've been in war with myself for so many years, it was such a lonely battle but I guess it's time to go back into the fight. I've enjoyed my last years, they were calm and soothing for myself and I've learned things that I wouldn't have learned otherwise, even if I had been corrupted by certain factors like this addiction.
    But it's time to get back into the fight. It's time to go back into the war with myself.
    Today I declare a War against myself!
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  13. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Hassan's Recovery Journal   

    I did the same and while I guess that spacing out entries is quite normal, don't forget about them.
    It's not about doing it when you're fine, it's more about doing them when you're not in order to help yourself out.
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  14. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    It has been some days since my last entry.
    I didn't relapse and was a little busy during the last days and there's something going on in me. It's kind of hard to describe what it is. I think that I'm currently in a change of mind, so I'm kind of awkward to be with at the moment. But it will be fine and everything will find it's way during the future, I'm certain of that. It's just that I am very careful about anything that I say or do in this current anyway...
    Since last week I am determined to design my monday in a way where I precook meals for the whole week, wash the dishes and do my laundry. I was asking my girlfriend is she would do all of this together with me and she started to argue about it. She agreed in the end but I felt all day like she dragged me down with her half commited attitude, her arguing and her carelessness. So I told her to go away and leave me alone because she annoyed me with her negative attitude towards my plans and her permanent bleating; I don't mind doing it all myself and if I'm alone then I would at least have a good environment that I can work with and where I can focus on the important parts instead of thinking about what would make her debate the least. So after she left me alone I had a really good time and fun pre-cooking my meals and kind of mentally preparing for the week.
    Why am I pointing out this situation?
    Well, it's one of the points that keeps throwing me back: I ask for permission.
    I wanted my monday to be this way and I had a very great experience from it during the last week and today I was at a point where I wanted to quit my plans because of the toxic environment that I was in. But it wasn't me that was the problem. If I want my day to be like this then I should go on and do it like this and stop to wait for somebody to approve it and/or join me. Even though this kind of situation will turn into an argument sooner or later, it teached me something very important:
    If you want to be great, stop asking for permission.
    If my environment is toxic then I have to change my environment. If my dreams and plans are stupid, then let them be stupid for others. They are not stupid for me. If these people drag me down then I need to remove them from my work environment or create an environment where I can work for myself somewhere else. Today I had the courage to stand up for my plans and it was an important lesson for myself.
    I feel enlightened and good but a little scared of the situation.
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  15. tirEdOrange added a post in a topic Why I fail 4 times and then succeed   

    I managed to wake up early and do my morning routine, I'm overdoing it a little though. I feel kind of depleted and tired right now. I guess I'm a little bit too ambitious.
    I actually had a relaxing time but waking up early and certain other factors like more cravings than usual and allergy are just depleting me. I gamed yesterday a little over my restricted time and I feel bad about it. This is kind of dangerous but I'm fine today.
    I really wanna get a good night of sleep and reschedule myself tomorrow a little bit more. I wanna continue to work on my latest achievements and keep progressing.
    I feel tired and depleted but hopeful about the next days
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