Day 90/90. Well this is it! It's not the super triumphant parade I envisioned when I first started this but I think that's because I'm not stopping to rest on my laurels. I'm moving on with my life and I have more goals to conquer. My journey has only just begun. @giblets, I also journal at home with a private diary so sometimes it feels like overlap with writing (or typing) the same things twice. As I've mentioned, I will probably keep this forum journal as a weekly journal, to give me more days to organize thoughts, etc. rather than everyday events. But I'll stay on the forums each day as best I can. So I've been reflecting on what I've learned during this process. 1. Don't talk, just do. When I reread my old thread, it's embarrassing in some cases. I think this detox was my 4th try. I noticed in the early attempts, I tried to project confidence, talk smack, even brag a little about how great I was going to be. In fairness, I think I was trying to psych myself up for the process and I also think I was trying to emulate the self-help, personal development, enthusiastic attitude I was reading around me. In other words, I was being someone I wasn't. In my last attempt, I was broken and I just laid myself on the line. Here I am, world, naked and afraid. Take me as I am. And I just started writing and doing day by day without any gloss. 2. Gaming was a mask. I learned rapidly after I quit gaming that there were real issues underneath that were killing me. I didn't even know they were there until I got off the computer. I've described it before as pulling up a bandage and watching the pus drain. For a week or two after I quit, I was constantly in tears. I felt crushing loneliness. I slept on the couch in the living room just to be around people. So I had to take steps to fight this. I got into contact with old friends I hadn't spoken to in a lonnnng time, some over 15 yrs!!! I set up a system of daily reminders to force myself to regularly reach out to people (I still do). Sometimes I have nothing real to say and sometimes I don't receive a response that day but I keep at it. I also feel free to cry. I don't do this as much as I used to but when it happens, I just go into my bedroom or my car and I just let it out. I also make sure I talk out the pain with someone. And boy does that help! I never would have learned this (or even been aware that this was a problem) until I quit gaming. 3. Create not consume. Another thing that gaming masked was an intense desire for identity, to express myself. I've always had a passion for history and I think it's always torn at me that I never followed through with this, whether finishing a degree or expressing my passion in some other way. Quitting gaming was like kicking away a crutch. Once this happened, I couldn't hide from this pain of having something inside of me that I wanted people to see but wasn't doing anything about. So that's where my podcast project was born. I still have a ways to go with it but I have learned that a creative outlet is a non-negotiable in my life. Period. So that's that, for this 90 days at least. Onward and upward! *spikes "American" football* 😃 Gratitude 1. Finishing just the first step in a transformative journey 2. I'm never alone 3. The chance to truly express who I am
Day 89/90 I wanted to complete this early before church as I probably won't have time later. @Zala, my next step right now is just continued weight loss and maintaining my momentum. I've probably not written enough about it, but this weight loss journey has been exhausting and traumatic even as it has been triumphant and fantastic. I don't regret it for a second but it is very mentally draining to put all of my focus into the simple step of not eating fast food and making sure I go to the gym. It feels like I am on constant guard on a giant wall, keeping the addictions from getting in. That just shows me how powerful the addiction is. I have confidence that in the long run, especially as I transform my body (and by extension, my life), those addictions won't loom so large. Right now, as I'm still somewhat heavy, those old emotions and temptations haven't gone far. And being light headed and tired a lot (in a good way) takes all of me. My next step is continued dedication to maintaining this course for the next year or two. There'll be other steps too, but I'm not sure what yet. I'll keep journaling, just not as often. Gratitude 1. Getting lighter 2. Almost finished the 90 days, feeling amazed 3. The catharsis of journaling my feelings
Day 88/90. Almost there...feel like I'm doing the last two shoulder dumbbells...gruuunnnnt. 😃 @Hitaru, I actually use the Quitzilla app which keeps a running money saving tally for your addictions and how long you've been sober. Gaming is smaller, about $10-15 every two weeks. So it's about $60 now conservatively. Fast food/soda is the killer. I've regularly spent $7-10/day on it! No joke. So yes, $600-$900 saved in 90 days. That is NOT a lie and why I've always considered gaming to be the junior addiction. A quiet beginning to a quiet weekend. I still need to work on socialization as Saturday is my quiet day. I have church on Sunday and work on weekdays but I need stuff for Saturday. Once Labor Day is gone the tourists will decline and I can start going to the beach. Gratitude 1. Saving money 2. Friendship 3. A sense of accomplishment
I understand, gib. I feel like I'm getting a little burned out on daily journaling but I don't want to abandon it either when my 90 days is up. I've thought about a weekly update on the weekends, sort of a checkin. I would still try to read other journals and post as I can each day.