So I've decided to do this. Not just try but do this. This is my 4th run at the detox.but I know this will be it. Why? Because I'm tired. Tired of the mental debates raging in my head. Tired of thinking of moderation and what that will look like. Tired of staring at a computer screen while my life, my wife, my marriage, my job slip away. Tired of fits and starts. Tired of half measures. Tired of being 41 and feeling like my potential is slipping away. Tired of isolating myself from those who want to help. Truth be told, I'm embarrassed to come back. My old delusions of being this great success story that everyone can point to are gone now. I just want to prove that I'm more than a computer gamer. I'm just tired. Tomorrow I will begin the detox again.
Day 5. Relaxing morning. I read a little in a history book and listened to a couple of history podcast episodes. I didn't feel too overwhelmed but I have to be careful. I tend to veer from overdoing it and having giant reading lists, etc., and then feeling overwhelmed, recoiling, and quitting it all. I've done that with gaming many times, overdoing it vs recoiling and quitting. Plus I run to the internet to see what others think. Hence, the detox to help sort out my thoughts. I want to start exercising again. I used to walk a bit last time I quit gaming a couple years ago. I almost wrote "I'll start tomorrow..." just now. But I got up and went outside for a 5 minute walk and did 1 push up/sit up. Haha. Each week I'll add 5 min and +1 pu/su. I used this method before with some success. I'll start tracking this in my journal. Still iffy on the podcasts, Hitaru. History is my passion and as I go through this process, I want to learn how to express my passion somehow...maybe writing or even a podcast of my own. But let's not get ahead of myself. Podcasts can inspire me...but I have to take it in moderation. Worst case, another detox. ???? Soda I was leaning towards abstinence or even a detox. My therapist counsels avoiding too many "hard plans". I'm hoping quitting gaming or exercising will be a keystone habit that will spill over into these areas naturally. Btw, my new job is in a call center. A good place to practice social skills, even if it's over the phone. Gratitude: 1. I walked a whole 5 min haha! 2. This journal...I'm really starting to buy into it more. 3. My job. Not a dream career. But an opportunity to get on my feet again.
Day 4. The moderation voice is back, the voice of "reason". "This isn't that big of a deal. You've done 4 days. Declare victory and just game a little." Nope. Can't do it. Even if this feels easy so far, it's a little success I can cling to. I overdo internet self-help. I read too many forums and blogs about how people handle my problem issues...gaming, soda, and religion. All it does is overwhelm me with conflicting opinions and make me frantic. That's why I like the 90 day gaming detox. Not moderation, not abstinence, just a pause and then see how I feel. Maybe I need a soda and religion detox too? Took a break from history podcasts. Not because I don't enjoy them. But I subscribe to 49 of them in varying levels of activity....too much raw data coming at me, 2-3 hours a day and I feel obligated to cram them in each day. And I get jealous of the history students and historians who make them. Like I could've been them. Not fair, I know. Saw my church therapist today. We don't talk religion much anymore as he knows it sets me off. But he's like a friend to me and doesn't charge. He's happy about the gaming detox. Thinks I should handle soda choice by choice rather than grand deadlines or plans. We'll see. Still moving ahead... Gratitude: 1. I have a decent job again and will have health benefits again in a couple months. 2. More optimism about my health. 3. Good to be making friends again...here and at work.
Thanks, Mad Pharmacist...or do I call you hycniejsy? ???? Day 3. Working a full shift again makes it easy to forget about games sometimes. But if I give in on the weekends, that desire will seep into the week, making me cram in that frantic hour before I leave for work or even worse, calling in sick or being late to play more. I lost my last job in part because of that. Can't let it happen! Had some "I can handle it, just moderate" thoughts yesterday. When you haven't played in 2-3 days, you suddenly feel strong enough to handle it. Wrong! I tell myself we can discuss this on day 91. "Just one hour a day, just the real indepth grand strategy games..the ones you learn from " Stop it! The food/soda is still the grand daddy issue. I gave it up two years ago and went about 2 months...started exercising, etc. I think deep down I know I need to do that again but its like pulling on an unwilling cat. Lots of howling and pleading. There's a beast inside that I just want to pull out and chuck. It's so tiring just to think about it during the day. Moderation, abstinence, detox, moderation, abstinence, detox....over and over and over, plans within plans within plans. It's exhausting... Gaming used to be like that and still can be if I let it. Detoxing from gaming will be the foundation for other life changes, of that I am certain. I used to spend maybe $50/mo at most on games...but easily spend $100+/week on eating out. Hopefully the small change (is it truly small?) will cascade into something larger. Another detox of sorts was religion. I was catholic for a while...my wife's faith but I also dived in headfirst due to its history and beautiful rituals. But I spent my days overthinking it, agonizing over its dogmas. I told my therapist it was an "incense filled cave". Beautiful, mysterious, but also dark and claustrophobic. Just my own personal experience. I had to break free from that. I'm still deeply spiritual but I feel hurt and wounded and am afraid to try again. Just let it be for a while. See, I feel like I've knocked down trees in my life, my attachments. Gaming is one of the last ones. Then probably the soda/fast food bit. Then I'd like to take some time without plans and projects and float down the river, see where it takes me. I don't want a life of deprivation, for sure. Need some healthy alternatives. Ok, enough of a book for today. I just wanted to set the stage on some things about where I'm at.
Gratitude 1. I have a good job again. 2. I'm able-bodied. 3. I'm not that old, haha.
I'm taking a break from Facebook. It's great for connecting with family and old friends. But I find myself getting jealous of others' happiness and success and I get jaded during election season. I'm not strong enough right now