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tirEdOrange

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About tirEdOrange

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  1. Couple days in: And I gotta say ---> I failed badly. Gamed quite a lot, also got some things done but it's totally fine. It doesn't has to be perfect I just have to keep going 🙂 I'll try not to overdo it. I will for sure get rid of the temptations but I won't beat myself up about it. Anyway, there's a lot to do during the next time and I definitly need something in exchange to the gaming. Something that I could do all the time and I think I'll stick to a new hobby sometime soon. Also pick up a book and start playing some guitar, all just for fun 😉 If the tension gets too hard I'll try to get some sleep or do some sports, depending on how fit my body is. Looking forward to everything I can achieve if I keep goin 🙂
  2. Hey everyone! My Name's Ed and I'm joining you here on our Journey! I'm a 27 year old student and I had during the past 7 years huge problems with gaming. I basicly achieved nothing notable so far and I'm stuck. But I'm gonna change that. And that's what this Journal is for. Below this line I will write about all the achievements I made and how I motivate myself to keep going. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I deleted yesterday my archnemesis in gaming. Accounts are on the deleting list. I've been through this a couple times and that's ok. I took my time for me and I didn't find myself yet but I'm ready to explore myself and everything that comes with it. The Journey is the goal so I'm basicly already a winner for starting it. I'm excited where my first destination will be? who knows! But for now I will start. Start to study and tonight I will go for a workout. That's a strong start and I already feel pride for myself. I feel a little bit too much anxiety to go to university tomorrow but that's okay. I will make up for it on my own. I've been fighting lately with increased anxiety but I'll get rid off that, step by step 🙂 My Motivation for this journey: Be the Ideal that you seek. Be the Idea. My body and my mind are tools. Form them to something useable and then use them and give back as much as you can. Because everybody deserves to get something back in a world that absorbs so much. Be the Ideal. Be the Idea. That is true strength.
  3. Day X Hey there, been a while. Wanted to make a quick update: First of all: Thanks. Your guiding advices really helped me and made me rethink a lot of my behaviour and mentality. I've been very productive during the last weeks and achieved all my goals and more... while actually not really having a goal(except one: study!!!), I just knew what I didn't wanted to do. I didn't wanted to stay the way I was during the last months,... probably years. So I ran almost every day, studied every day, stopped eating junk food and generally eat less and only healthy stuff and see there: I'm bored 5 days before exams because there's actually nothing to do (so I just study related things and repeat old stuff for x-th time), I lost around 4-5kg(8-10 pounds) during the last 6 weeks and gained a lot of endurance. I wasn't even able to run for 3km straight without a break and now I'm running 6km and feel like I can soon run more. I'm still struggling in terms of mental health and it's going upward... slowly... so: During the last weeks I isolated myself and visited a psychological consultant. Turns out I'm having a (probably even chronic) depression, that's current state is middle to middle deep and probably some other things, which sucks but now I know what I'm dealing with and I'm seeing a therapist to help me out. Like I don't know... it was way overdue that I did that but some kind of false Pride didn't allow me to visit a psychological therapist. But now that I've broken the chains to everything I'm completly free and I start to build myself up again. Well, that was pretty much it. I'm still struggling with after-break-up symptoms and myself but it's getting upwards, so everything's fine. I think it's the first time since years that I look into the next weeks and I see some real hope for change, not just some wishful thinkings. Going to sign a contract at a gym and a boulder hall after exams and try to establish a routinated, well structured and productive day while not overdoing it. Now that I have literally 0 contact to anyone except family and 1 close friend I feel free, like I broke some chains. I couldn't care less about peoples opinions like that it's freaky to wake up at 4AM and do stuff and go to bed at 9PM. It's just pulling me down so why give a fk. Sadly my opinions towards others has changed into the direction that I'm only trusting myself (for a reason). Maybe that will change in future but I don't really care, just wanna hang on with fitness, study and money. The rest will come by itself or not, I don't care. I have no problems in terms of gaming addiction anymore. I mean, I've gone through it all during the last years and didn't make it easy for myself but well, whatever it takes to be successful. If I procrastinate I choose to game sometimes but it's not impulsive and uncontrolable as it once was and I for sure have no cravings... but... there's no way I can take this easy ever again in my life. It's easy to slip back into the darkness. Sucks but it's true. So I rather distance myself than hanging on the edge. Wish everyone energy and power to get through the mess addictions causes everyone of us. Keep it up!
  4. Also have to state that after my last entry I was feeling extremly pessimistic and down. Cooled down during the last days and probably will start to make entries regularly again since it helps, even tho they are just the aftermath of my unbeaten gaming addiction. Gotta clean up the shit that it left behind
  5. @WorkInProgress I totally get what you're saying since I've been on the right way a couple years ago and ecperienced this libersting feeling. It somehow produces pain to seperate from my current mentality and switch to this "new", liberating one. I'm on my way tho and thats all that matters. Day 23 Haven't been very productive during last days, I can now totally see that I'm stuck in depression and I'm struggling to keep up with everything because of it. I still believe that the 5 stages of grief apply to my situation and while I have shown signs of acceptance I'm surely really stuck in depression right now. I picked up learning, jogging and eating normally tho during the last 2 Days, so that's a little comeback. I will try to keep up with these 3 things during the next days and get through as good as possible. My goal is to wake up early again during the next days and keep up the things that I stated above. I'm thankful for not falling for any addictions during the last days and just go mildly through the down phase. Oh btw I wasn't drinking or smoking regularly, I just started bad habits around these two factors and since I don't wanna develop any kind of twisted relation to them I'm completly cutting them until I'm in a better mental state.
  6. Day 18 If this goes after the Kübler-ross-model(5 stages of grief and loss), which seemed pretty fitting so far, I have definitly reached Stage 4: depression. Don't even feel like writing daily entries anymore... I fucked this all up. I couldn't get over my broken self and now I have to deal with the consequences, so I deserve all that comes on this way. I have to restructure and redefine myself so much... and start over again. Will it be worth it in the end? Invested so much time and energy in other peoples dreams and hopes and made so many of them achieve these even though they didn't believe that they could but it seems that my taste in people is fucking horrible because now that I'm at the end of my ressources, I find myself lonely and with no hope for someone who would do the same for me. Investing 5 years in people that use and then just discard or even betray me. I just wanted to built a circle around me with people that push themselves into something higher... but instead I've gazed into the void of many people and while curing some of theirs, I've built my own. Fast forward to this point and I need to resist every fucking day to not drink, smoke, binge eat and gamble/game (the difference are only 2 letter btw... for a reason) away my fucking life and all that I hear is: "Hey that shouldn't be too hard for you, I mean, it's you after all..." like I'm not human but some fucking kind of object. Fuck my life. I honestly believe that I have a talent to cope with people and help them achieve their goals... but if this is what comes at the end of the road, then why even bother? I think I will turn at this point and use this talent for myself, as I did a long time ago and reject others. I was so happy when I broke out of Isolation and was able to bring joy, hope and fulfillment in other peoples lives, to see them develop and leave behind their void. Truth is that there are probably only a handful of people worth investing my heart and soul in... at least that's what I hope. If I would only rely on my experience so far then I would say that I haven't met any of them... except maybe 1 person. During the last 2 months I've lost 3kg, studied hard, stopped to drink and smoke at all. I gamed excessively and from one day to another I stopped because I realized I just hit rock bottom and that if I don't make it through the next months that I will fall into oblivion... maybe for the rest of my life. And it's fucking hard to maintain these changes. And yet,.... after all these experiences I still hoped that anyone that remained with me would help me out... would lend me a hand to get out of my void. But no one came, even when I asked. Sad. Instead I get stabbed in the back again by a person I respected a lot during the last years... during a condition like this. I'm. Fucking. Done. With. People. I always wanted to be the superhero... turns out I have to be the Supervillain to survive through this mess of betrayal and selfishness. Maybe one day things will change and I can open up again but until then I will embrace everything that I am right now and elevate it into something better. I don't believe in people anymore. If you've read through all of this then I wanna deeply thank you. You're a person that reads through my pain and still sticks to it in order to help or learn and that's special. If you struggle with excessive gaming right now then please try your best to stop it, a lot of my pain could've been avoided if I stopped at the right time. But I didn't and learned it the very hard way. I will stop my daily entries for now, I'm definitly out of my gaming addiction, even though it's still present in the shadows but I'm not planning to go back there, ever again. I will probably update every once in a while. Thanks for being with me.
  7. Day 17 Bad day today. Something, initiated by an outer source, happened and drained a ton of willpower from me. Can't expect to calmly go through my plan. I was on a good path to leave everything behind me and remember it in a good light and move on but that's not possible anymore. Not after yesterday. Urges and Doubts are great at this point but I won't give up. This is an unfair battle from now on but one that I can still win. 32 days left. I'm thankful for my family and close friends. Fucking rats.
  8. @WorkInProgress It makes sense, that's why sharing yourself is so important. I've alrwady built a provisional table, I don't wanna let any obstacle stop me from studying. Day 16 I lost a lot of time and focus during the last days due to my emotions and now due to other circumstances but I found back my drive yesterday. Time is running and my day today is practicly gone due to these circumstances, which sucks. I feel like depression is slowly fading. All those things nag on me but I start to identify my emotions and situations and accept my past failure; what I wanna do now is going forward. My goal for today is to set up everything for the next 32 Days so all the possible distractions, that I can influence, are gone. I don't know what I'm thankful for right now.
  9. My word for 2018 will be Mosaic. I guess everyone knows what a Mosaic is, a beatiful picture made out of broken fragments and that's what my year will be about: To create the most beautiful picture I've done so far with all the shattered pieces. I'm looking forward to finally create something that isn't perfect but has its own beauty, even if it's just for me.
  10. @WorkInProgress Thanks for your entry. Felt like quitting journal on an emotional level, even though it's it's a bad idea. Your entry motivated me to stay. Day 15 Today is gonna be shitty day, I feel calm about it though so far. At this evening all that I will have left is an empty flat with a bed and a wardrobe. Won't even have a table lol. I felt like slowly accepting all of this but this feels like a step back in terms of getting over with it because it's depressing. Gonna hideout in the library and learn, it's about time I start. Cleaning up in the evening where it surely will hit me. Not looking forward to this day. Don't know what I'm thankful for right now.
  11. Day 14 Feel better today. I show first signs of acceptance. Didn't do any Studies during the last 4 days and I feel like it have been 6+ days. Wanted to implement jogging in my morning routine but seems like that's too frequent for my body. Still plan on doing physical activities in the morning until I'm able to joh again. Gonna start today with studying for 8 hours, at least that will be my goal. Doesn't matter if it's a couple hours more or less, as long as I start. Ex will take out rest of furniture tomorrow, this will surely hit me. Should think about how to deal with that. I had some "urges" today in the form of thoughts like "Wouldn't hurt too much to play 1-2 games now that there's nobody to take care of anyway or not?". Didn't even took me a minute to throw away this possibility. Sneaky asshole addiction. I don't know what I'm thankful for right now
  12. Day 13 Wanna keep my entries shorter. Feel sad, empty, defeated. Had some good momentum yesterday but let it slip away with binging. Revising the past years just drag me down right now but it's inevitable. Losing touch with the time, honestly believed today was already the 6. or 7. of January. Will start tomorrow with the next learning session, today is a bad day for that. I will go to bed early but before that I will prepare my day tomorrow, cleaning up the flat and preparing stuff. The day tomorrow will start today evening.
  13. Day 12 Starting up my regular routine today. Didn't get up in time but I will fix that today since I still woke up early. Sadly I can't fully concentrate on learning and need to do some organizing before but as soon as I'm back home I initiate phase 2: Working through my workbook in 20 days (which means 5 sites full with exercises per day). Probably won't make 5 today since I'm a little bit off schedule but better do 2-3 and start than do nothing just because the day didn't start perfectly. I freaking hate this mindset of mine: Give up because it didn't went perfectly and is not worth trying anyway then. I already worked on it but deep down it still keeps whispering to me in bad times... asshole inner-voice. I'm actually in a happy and focused state since I had my emotional breakdown... it's insane. Writing and experiencing my feelings really helps me out. And I don't know... I usually never talk about crying or boxing walls in rage because I usually don't talk about my feelings at all so this is kind of a thing for me. A helpful step forward. I'm thankful for feeling good again after some pressured days.
  14. Welcome to the forums! You did the right step and doing a Journal over this time will help you immense. Looking forward to your entries!
  15. Day 11 Dude what a morning... My ex packed her things yesterday and now it's empty in this flat. It has troubled me so much already yesterday but luckily I was tired enough to just fall asleep. I slept until 7am and woke up. And then I just laid around and did nothing for half an hour. And then another. I just couldn't bring myself up to face the day. At some point I had to get up or I would just lay all day, but getting up means to face the reality. I just went from room to room, back and forth and tried to comprehend the situation. Anger built up in me and I punched a wall. The next moment I sit on the ground, leaning on the couch, bursting out in tears. Turning on some soothing music, getting into the shower and be there for a long time. After a while I can convince myself to keep on with my routine and make a tea and shortly after meditate but before that I just sit at the table and stare blankly into nothingness for, I can't even tell how long. What has excessive Gaming done to me? I've lost all to it. But I'm not even blaming the Gaming addiction. It happened because I was weak and I couldn't deal with all the pain that I was facing, so once I discovered that it distracts me from everything, it pretty fast became excessive and I just escaped with it from reality. And everytime I was facing hard times, I used it as a tool but not just for a couple hours, I used it for weeks. It ruined everything. My ex must have suffered a lot because of it as well but I can't even feel too much sympathy for her because she was a toxic factor that empowered this behaviour, I can see it now. It's good that it's over, it means I can finally get over it now. She left me for completly egoistic reasons when I would have needed her the most, when it's the decision between me beating my addiction after all those years and succeeding in my education or failing and give in to another downward spiral that I probably wouldn't recover from. But it was the right decision that we made because, with her being this factor and offering no support at all, I can only succeed in this without her even if it means to leave behind 9 years of my life. We made each other unintendedly suffer. It's sad but it's true. Today is a day where I wanna escape reality but I don't even feel like gaming at all... I'm hating it for what it has done to me. I dont think that I will give in to the urge ever again. This is too much of an defining event. It's pretty hard for me to focus and I don't think I will be able to study greatly today. I will get some things done that needs me to move around the town so I get fresh air and distraction and then I'll see how the day goes. Probably coming back at some point and at least revise the material, making some cue cards or something like that. Meditation helped a lot too otherwise I wouldn't even be able to write about this I think... gonna do that today as well. As a last note I gotta say that I strangely approve that I faced my "emotional breakdown" today. I wanted to avoid it by being in bed for an indefinite time but facing my emotions meant to work with the problem and that helped me a lot in moving forward, I can see that now. This is helluva phase but I wanna get through it to see what's behind. I will try to go into the next day as free as possible so I can start the day tomorrow as effective as possible. I'm thankful for this forum and the possibility to express myself here.
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